Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. When I finished giving the following talk at a local Church over the weekend, the pastor smiled and said: You know, the job of a Minister is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable, and I can always count on Timber to do both.
I laughed when he said that, but I immediately realized that while it's funny and maybe even sounds like a great quality for someone to have on occasion or as a public speaker, it probably really annoys my friends when it presents itself in the form of a 20-minute answer to a simple Yes or No question. When I hold up a mirror, so to speak, I tend to elaborate, perhaps to a fault,
over-explain, and use too many examples, but it is for good reason. We are taught a language, but we are not taught how to communicate; without elaborating, our conversations limit our connection to our own individual level of understanding. When someone says, I love you, for example, we assume they mean the same thing we do
when we say it, but that's not necessarily the case. And if we don't ask them to elaborate and explain what they mean, not only are misunderstandings likely to occur, but our perception of love in this case would remain constricted to our own experience of it. What a shame! We basically rob ourselves of growth opportunities whenever we fail to elaborate or ask others to do the same.
The verb "Elaborate" means to reinforce, enhance, amplify, and improve, so imagine if we habitually did that in every interaction. Everyday conversations provide us multiple opportunities to grow, and failing to elaborate is like being offered a cluster of grapes, but only taking one grape out of the bunch, and leaving so much delicious and nutritious sweetness unrealized.
I have mentioned the following example in a previous episode when a friend asked me how I was feeling, and I answered, "I feel good!" To which she replied, "'Good' is not a feeling, Timber, can you tell me more?" She literally handed me a sheet of paper listing hundreds of possible feelings, from which I was able to elaborate and articulate that I felt accomplished after getting so much done that morning, well-rested after a peaceful night of sleep, grateful for our quality time together,
excited for what the rest of the beautiful day had in store for us, and so on. She smirked and said, "Now, isn't that answer richer than a simple 'I feel good'?" She was right, of course. Mindfulness does not make our life longer, it makes it deeper. And elaborating is a way for us to not only deepen our self exploration, but the way we connect with others as well. Failing to elaborate, in fact, can even border on unacceptable when someone
apologizes, for example, by saying, "I'm sorry for everything." It sounds like an apology, but they don't actually take responsibility for any wrongdoing for which they express the remorse they feel, they aren't making amends or promising to try their best to avoid repeating certain behavior in the future, nor do they follow the apology by asking if they are forgiven. There is no way to tell if they are genuinely sorry, or if they simply said it to get away with something.
Asking them to elaborate might reveal the answers you seek. Even saying Thank You to someone is a golden opportunity for us to specify what it is we actually appreciate. It's a chance to acknowledge someone's intention, their effort, attention to detail, and final execution. So, elaborate! The more specific you are, the better everyone will understand and be understood, and the richer the experience will be. I often ask people, What are you grateful for?
And they immediately say, "Oh, I'm grateful for my friends, I'm grateful for my family," and so on, but I remind them that I had asked them WHAT they are grateful for, not WHO. They take a minute to think about it, and then specify it's companionship they appreciate, support, unconditional love, camaraderie, understanding, patience, acceptance & so on. This one habit enriches our experience of life itself, so why don't we do it more often?
I have said it before, and I will say it again: Mindfulness is the pause between impulse and response. What we do in that pause is crucial. Someone on Sunday mentioned that when her daughter said something to her, if she had immediately and impulsively reacted to what was said, it would have led to conflict between them, but she was able to pause, see the pain behind her daughter's statement, and connect with her with compassion rather than reject her with judgment.
In addiction support groups, unpacking the craving and where succumbing to it can lead is a tried and proven method to keeping sobriety from derailing. It's called "Think the Drink Through," where the challenge is to force the mind to look beyond the first drink, for example, and see where it would lead until the realization sets in that the path is headed toward unwanted results. The invitation to elaborate isn't just for when you talk to others, but also when you tell
yourself a story in your own head. Just keep saying, "Tell me more" until additional details reveal themselves. Keep in mind that this is coming from an introvert whose baseline habit was to say as little as possible.
But I have found over the years that at the end of the day, I am actually better off giving a fully detailed answer right off the bat that leaves no questions unaddressed, with as many relatable examples as possible, than being vague and then spending an hour going back and forth with misunderstandings or gaps in the story. These are just examples of moments that can strengthen our relationship with ourselves and with one another.
It's uncomfortable and requires effort, of course, but the rewards are worthwhile. So, elaborate... give yourself the present of depth and richness to enjoy the entire cluster of grapes. Your challenge is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire. Namaste. Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode, and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏