Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. When things don't go well in our lives, we sometimes take out our frustration on the people closest to us when it's not their fault. This creates a problem in the relationship with them that wasn't there in the first place, adding one more issue to the list of things that aren't going well.
That's why it's important to compartmentalize. Your frustration with car trouble does not need to cause friction between you and your children, for instance, nor is it okay to allow the way your boss treats you to change the way you treat your spouse, for example. If you don't heal from what hurt you, then you end up bleeding on people who didn't cut you. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to you.
It's mind-boggling to me that while most of us like being in control, the only thing we actually CAN control is the one thing we don't: our composure.
When people come over for the holidays, at least one of the guests will likely say something offensive, another might accidentally break a valuable possession of yours, the neighbors' dog will bark all through dinner, yet the house will smell amazing from pies in the oven, you will keep warm by the fireplace, and there is a very good chance someone will either drink too much, start talking politics, pick a fight, or be passive aggressive enough to make snide comments about your house, the food,
"the problem with the world today is people like you," or something along those lines. "the problem with the world today is people like you," or something along those lines. That scenario is just a snapshot of life and all the people in it. Although drama is all around us, we don't have to allow the external chaos create disturbances within.
My aunt, for example, is disturbed by EVERYTHING from the way people dress and talk, to the poor choices the government is making, not enough dressing on her salad, too much ice in her drink, she gets extra irritable when she's tired, grouchy if it's cold outside, not to mention it's best to stay away from her when she's hungry But if the weather is nice and she is well-rested, she can actually be a pleasant woman and even kind, but her temperament is unpredictable.
It's not just my aunt, of course, we all feel joy, pain, anger, hunger, sympathy, irritation, excitement, and exhaustion, sometimes all in one evening, yet we rarely exercise the ability to maintain composure despite what's going on within or around us. Controlling our attitude affects our experience, so it's surprising we expend so much energy trying to control the elements, but we don't pay nearly enough attention to the tremendous difference a change in mindset can make.
This is an invitation for us to stay calm and intentionally undisturbed. When I say "Undisturbed," I'm not talking about numbness, apathy, indifference, or carelessness, I'm talking about Emotional Stability. The ability to care, even passionately, have opinions, even strong ones, while calmly living in peace.
It doesn't mean we don't proudly stand for what we believe in; we can quietly vote with our wallets to express our opinions, for example, we can support organizations that offer solutions to what we perceive to be problems, we can entertain conversations about deep topics with people who are interested and open to having them, and we can do it all calmly while everyone else does their own thing. Let me clarify, though, that that's what we CAN do, but not necessarily what we practice.
For all I know, you may actually be the guest at the dinner party who picks a fight or drinks too much, or the one who internalizes the external and lets it wreak havoc within.
how do we compose ourselves when uncomfortable situations or disagreements arise, and why do we let our mood affect our manners? Just imagine my aunt maintaining composure, being kind to herself and everyone around her, whether she is hungry, tired, hot, or cold. Not only would her own life improve, but the lives of everyone around her. Composure is not a thought or a feeling, it's a practiced state of psychological stability.
Composure is when we remain undisturbed by experiences or emotions, discomfort, or anything that may cause others to react irrationally. The ability to remain calm and centered is not only fertile soil for wisdom and true freedom, both psychological and emotional, it is also the root of compassion. Even if outraged, once we compose ourselves, we can be a force for change fueled by constructive grace, not by destructive rage.
To be crystal clear, we must accept all of our feelings; being "undisturbed by emotions" or difficult situations does not mean we deny, suppress, or avoid our feelings [suppression of feelings is a form of nonacceptance and resistance]. If you feel sad, you allow yourself to feel sad. Maintaining composure is about embracing the feeling without getting lost in it. I'm going to say that again: embrace the feeling without getting lost in it.
If you think remaining composed will let people walk all over you, it's actually the opposite: when you blame someone else for your behavior, that is giving them the power to manipulate you.
if you blame someone else for "making you angry," you essentially tell them that they have you wrapped around their little finger. But if you maintain calm no matter what happens or what someone says, if you stick to your conviction to be less reactive, to be more loving, and to always be peaceful regardless of what's going on inside or outside of you, THAT is your superpower. Claim it.
We learn composure while meditating in our peaceful little bubble, yes, but we get to practice composure at the dinner party when 3 people arrive late with unexpected guests, the food is undercooked or burnt, someone drops the pie on the floor, the cat eats just enough of it to get sick, the power goes out, and when you don't fall apart like everyone else, and someone tells you that the problem with the world is people like you, take it as a compliment.
Composure does not mean we pretend something doesn't hurt or bother us, nor do we dismiss anything with carelessness. If people hurt you and you feel angry, it's okay to acknowledge the anger, but if you keep thinking about how terrible those people are, your own thoughts will make you angrier. So, feel your temper, explain your temper, but don't lose you temper.
the Dalai Lama didn't say Only be kind to people when you're having a great day, He said, "Be kind whenever possible; it's ALWAYS possible." Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list.
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