Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. A friend once told me everything he ever let go of had claw marks in it.
I laugh because I can totally relate. We have a tendency to cling to things with a firm grip, whether it's a strong opinion or unwavering belief that we are right about something, a specific way to do things, or outright refusal to try something new. When Bruce Lee said "Be Water, My Friend," it was because that which is rigid, breaks. Many teachers over the years have pointed out my ON/OFF Button, as they called it, and they urged me to install a Dimmer Switch, so to speak.
It's because I tend to be All-In with everything or not at all, "Go Big or Go Home," and Do it ALL or Nothing... you get the idea. I even confused moderation with mediocrity until I learned the difference a few years ago. What I thought was my conviction and dedication, others saw as me being extremely hard core, brutal, and even insensitive, when I frequently leaned too heavily on logic and rationale, completely dismissive of the sentimental or emotional.
I was called heartless, cold, and distant. Unfortunately, we usually can't see our own sharp edges until they hurt someone, and people rarely stick around for us to smooth things over after that. Recently, however, a very close friend of mine chose to shine a light on one of my sharp edges, and she even helped me better understand the problem: "It's great you have boundaries," she said, "But is the barbed wire and electric fence around them really that necessary?" My mind was blown!
I always considered my boundaries to be healthy, and they arguably are, but how I respond to people who test those boundaries, can most definitely use a gentler approach than shutting them out so definitively. Sadly, gentleness is not a skill I've ever learned, and my existing pattern is so deeply embedded, I don't even know when I'm being rigid half the time.
It actually helped that my friend was not only reflective and understanding, she also confessed to being rigid in her own ways: She takes all the dirty dishes out of the dishwasher and loads them all back in because she likes it done a certain way, she is extremely anxious about showing up late to anything, and she immediately thinks less of people who use profanity. Her daughter's rigidity shows up in how harshly she judges the way people look,
and therefore herself. And her son is unyielding and stubborn about the things he refuses to do, like getting on a plane, camping, going a day without coffee, or eating alone at a restaurant on a Friday night, which he insists is strictly for Date Night! I guess we all have sharp edges and rigidity about certain things, and we may even feel justified in our ways. But what happens when our rigidity works against us and we refuse to bend? That which is rigid, breaks. Remember?
I remember the first time I sat down to meditate in the Zendo. I put on a very serious face and I told the Zen teacher that my Mantra was going to be: Like a Rooted Tree I Shall Remain. He just laughed and said: You could be a tree, just make sure it's a Palm Tree that can sway in the wind. My spiritual journey ever since is fueled by the intention to transition from rigidity to being more gentle with myself and with others.
What I have found is that when I intentionally apply gentleness in one area of my life, it makes it possible for me to be gentler in others. For example, I've been on a strict plant-based diet for many years, so none of my dishes or utensils at home have ever touched meat or dairy.
But when friends invite me over for dinner, and they go out of their way to grill vegetables for me, I know their pan was used to grill a steak the night before, but I say Thank You and I enjoy my grilled vegetables with tremendous gratitude for their generosity. I still won't eat meat, and I remain rooted in my values, but this tree can now sway in the wind.
As I continue letting go, I may actually end up being a better friend to people I meet today than I've been to those I've known for the past 40 plus years. This may be a very strange example, but silence is my favorite sound. So, in the old days, when I went on a long road trip in the car with friends, it was either in complete silence or we only listened to what I deemed appropriate... Sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?!
On a recent ride with a friend, however, I consciously chose ahead of time to completely let go, and we listened to whatever she wanted to play on the radio. I essentially decided that our friendship was more important than my rigidity or being in control. I not only survived the trip, we ended up having a great time! So, with another year coming to an end, do you think you have some sharp edges that hurt the people around you and maybe even yourself?
Our rigidity often works against us, and if we have our claws so deeply embedded in the way we WERE, we get in the way of who we might BECOME. So, practice letting go of one stubborn opinion at a time, try things you swore you never would, and learn to listen to others without interrupting them, even if they use profanity or disagree with everything in which you firmly believe. Remember what Bruce Lee said: Be Water, My Friend. Happy New Year!
Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring Ted Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode, and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼