August 2017 Q&A

in you as you are in them. The person who  broke up with you clearly doesn't want to be with you, which is... I mean, if  anything, your response is: thank you! Thank you for making it really clear for me that  you're not the one I want to be with, because the person I want to be with would  want to be with me, and you're not that one. It's a very logical approach, but that  seems to work for me when the heart wants to spiral out of control, the mind is...  you know, "Come back, come back heart,

"let's look at this from another perspective."  Because that's what ends up happening, whether it be through breakups or any  political climate, is we get really wrapped up in one single point of view, and we  know intellectually that there's more

than one perspective. And so, you're looking at  it too closely, you're looking at it from only one point of view and you're not seeing the  other side of the picture, so inviting yourself to take a step back is how I deal with it.  And when I'm asked what drew me to Buddhism and whatnot, it's always been logic, it has  always just made perfect, rational sense. How do you meditate to deal with the  death of other people? For the most part,

I will be honest and say that I actually  deal with it ahead of time. I prepare myself in advance, as we all can, as life prepares us,  I believe, inevitably and constantly, for the death of other people. From the  moment that we're young and our grandparents pass away, and then perhaps  our parents or a friend or an aunt, an uncle or someone, we are immediately  introduced to the idea, the fact that everything is temporary, people pass on. And  the earlier on we start dealing with this,

the easier it gets as we grow older. And I  think we can all prepare ourselves, so to speak, emotionally, to prepare our response  in advance rather than be shocked. I think it actually surprises me when  people are shocked when someone passes away,

because it's the only thing we know for certain  is gonna happen. Is it sad? Of course it's sad, and I acknowledge that when I'm sad, I'm sad  for ME, that it has very little to do with them, because we don't know what happens  to us when we die, we have no idea. So any thought of it being terrible  or a tragedy or a loss actually speaks of our own lives, not the person who died.  It's our own loss, it's our own misfortune.

It's a very self-centered approach and I  truly believe that we are here to learn to be completely selfless. I moved from Israel  to the States at a young age and I knew that I probably would never see any of my  friends ever again. From that moment on, when someone passed away, I just  pretended in my mind: Oh they moved away. And I think that's a really healthy  approach of looking at it, because they did, they moved away, they just went somewhere.  And I think just shifting that perspective

from a tragedy, horrible, loss, bad, negative,  to "Well, that's interesting." I mean, we're all going to pass, and they got to pass. And I  don't know why we're so quick to make that worst-case scenario assumption that death is  such a terrible thing; it may not be. Whoever died may be blissfully happy wherever  they are, we don't know. We have no idea.

And so I'm not suggesting that we create a  story in our head that they're floating up in the clouds, but I also advise against  creating a story that what happened to them was terrible, because we don't know. And so,  rest in Not-Knowing. I think that's probably gonna be my answer to most of these, but  let's go on. When jealousy creeps in, that's interesting, there's a wonderful  book by Neil Donald Walsch called Conversations With God, and he talks a  lot about the difference between envy

and jealousy. Envy is when you're a little  kid and you see your big sister reach up and open the door because she's taller, and  you're envious of that and you aspire to be like that, you don't hate her for it, there's  no negative feeling, you're just envious. And if we don't learn how to deal with that  appropriately at a young age, that envy

turns to jealousy, which is not healthy.  In the same way, anger is very healthy it's a little indicator that says,  "Hey, something's not aligned here." But if we don't learn how to deal with anger  appropriately at a young age, that anger turn to rage, which is not healthy, it's blinding  and it's very destructive, so that's a really good way to distinguish between the two. Courtney, "How do I cultivate more patience and grace with my five kids?" I don't know you can. Oh,

man! I'm joking, of course,  of course it's possible and I actually have a good friend with quite  a few children, and if I understand correctly what she does is constantly remind herself  this is what she wanted, this is her dream come true, she loves being a mother.  And yes, it's hard sometimes, but at the end of the day, you  wouldn't trade it for the world, right? And so the key is to remind yourself of that  in that moment. That's how you can kind of

it's temporary. Pretty soon they'll all be grown and you might, if I understand correctly from other people, you might find yourself a few years down the road missing them. So, there are many tools and I advise talking  to other parents about this. And I know it's hard because it's almost a taboo  for mothers to admit that they're having

a hard time, but it's necessary. I think  it's really important for us to be vulnerable and be open about it, especially with other  mothers despite the fact that some of them will judge you because they'll refuse to admit  that they also have a hard time sometimes. But talk to other mothers. You're not alone at  this and there are solutions. In fact, the friend I mentioned has another friend with  multiple children, and they help each other.

So there are times when the one with five and  the one with three takes care of all eight, so the other one can take care of  herself, and then they switch places. So, it's balance: I think that's a  common answer you'll receive from anyone. How do you loosen your grip of  unrealistic expectations of a spouse? Tanya, your answer is in the question:  they're unrealistic. As a spouse, you expect your spouse to be loving, and supportive,  and trusting. An unconditional companion

on this path. Those are reasonable  expectations. Those are actually agreements you have entered into together, something  that you and your spouse have agreed to

Same thing in a marriage: if your spouse didn't  agree to this, if your spouse didn't sign up for this, and you expect it from them,  and then furthermore, if they don't deliver, you are upset with them for not  delivering something they never told you they would deliver? Again your answer  is in your question: it's your own unrealistic expectations. And how do you  loosen your grip? You realize that it's completely self-absorbed. That you, at no  point, took your spouse into consideration.

It brings up another discussion we had when  a friend sent me a care package of sorts, and I opened it, and it was really interesting  because the friend thought that the gift was a very considerate way to say Thank You.  And, realistically, after we talked about it, she admitted she never took me into  consideration when she sent me that gift.

She put a bunch of stuff in the box that she  liked. Being considerate is part of the things that you can realistically expect from  your spouse, but you have to deliver it yourself as well. You gotta be considerate  and you can expect it from others. The best marriage advice is that a healthy  marriage is the union of two good forgivers. I think, ultimately, that's what it is.  It's about unconditional love, the way you would think of the unconditional  love of a dog, and I hate to say it,

but you know dogs love you unconditionally.  And if we can love our spouses that way to still have our tail wagging every time  they come through the door, and love them, even if they got mad at us earlier in the  day, and even 12 years down the road still be equally happy to see them, and let go of  all that other stuff. As we mentioned, the expectations, and the unreasonable  demands and whatnot. Love like a puppy!

Forgive, move on, learn, be grateful  for their presence. And if you have, as someone else mentioned, unreasonable  expectations, then be grateful that your spouse has shed light on that,  they brought that to your attention, so you know exactly what it is you need to  work on, and you wouldn't have known that without their guidance, without their  presence in your life. And that's why when I was initially surprised that Zen priests  actually get married, have kids, and I thought

they would all be celibate, and it's not the  case at all. When I asked why they would even do that, if Zen and Buddhism is all about  living a simple and uncomplicated life, why in the world would you make your  life so complicated by getting married? The answer is unanimous that there are  things you can learn in a relationship that you can't learn outside of one. Well, we'll take a couple of more questions and then I'll let you guys enjoy the rest of your day.

And when they witness someone like you  feel validated and at peace and wonderful without someone else, it's very scary to them.  It sheds light on even as far as codependent they may be. Kind of like when I chose  not to drink alcohol, many people wanted to remedy that. They said, "What's wrong with  you?" Because the alternative was to look at themselves and ask why am I choosing to  drink alcohol? And that's not a very pretty

picture to look at. It's a form of deflection.  You don't need to explain it to your friends so they understand. Be okay with them not  understanding. Imagine that it's beyond their comprehension. It's really  interesting; I don't think there's anything you need to fix just like there's nothing they  need to fix. That's who they are. And perhaps the moment you accept them for who they are,  they can then accept you for who you are.

But you can't control them, you can only  control you. And this is a recurring theme. Let go of this need to fix people, people! Just fix yourself there's plenty of work to do right here guys. There's no need to go out there and start sweeping the front door of other people, you're robbing them of an opportunity to sweep it themselves. And you're overlooking your own front stoop. So take care of that!

Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling  author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode and invite you to subscribe for  more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier  of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏