Ep 330: Drowning In All The Opportunities ft. Diversity Inclusion Expert, Aiko Bethea

And so but they were. I have to say, I've been on a lot of sets and hands down the nicest crew. Everyone was nice every single step of the way. I you know, and shout out to is his name Eddie. He was like the producer of my segment, and he was saying that they're known as like the nicest show in television. I mean, Kelly, oh my gosh, Kelly. Kelly was saying, so Ryan is actually sick with COVID because you know, so it was her husband Mark. Mark was nice.

Kelly was nice. I mean, it was almost to the point like do they beat y'all here? Because everybody they do, they beat y'all like to be.

it was like it's my first without Jarell. And it was nice because usually I would wake up in the morning and like downstairs, as soon as you come downstairs, it'd be like he would have a present and balloons and whatever. And Tracy remembered that, so, you know, I came downstairs and there were my balloons, which was really nice. And I don't know, like it was just like I'm in a space now where I'm simultaneously holding space for

both grief and gratefulness. You know, It's like I didn't think you could hold both at the same time, and I'm doing that. And so it was just such an awesome birthday, just like really great food, Like all the kids were here, like like I said, my Sunday's Supper crew. So it was just a really really really nice time and I was just, yeah, it just was one of my birth best birthdays yet.

And it was a two week grind and I was up a launch day with Saturday, and you know, I set the deadline myself and then but I got it done and I'm so happy. Yeah, everything is going smoothly. I'm so happy that I made this transition. Transitions are hard, but I know, what's that thing you said, like you want to make decisions now for like when pre pivot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, So this was more like a pre pivot and an investment in like a you know, like a more expensive

platform and all of that. But I think it was really smooth. I think all my experience as a manager, trying to like, you know, people would change can be a little trying to tell the team, hey, we're going to change the way we do things. That's how I feel my bandy money Makers. I'm like, y'all, it's going to be some stuff going on. You're gonna have to think about what you're gonna do, and you're gonna have to let me know, and it's gonna be fine. Yes, just do not be alarmed. And you know, I had

a couple of people who were alarmed in Panama. Of course, there's always going to be there's always a couple.

and I'm so proud of her. Can we put the link in our show note? Oh yes, I would love to.

the audiobook. It was so powerful. Like I'm someone who y'all know, like like to read a lot, you know, listen to a lot of books. But I one day Usually that's like unheard of. Usually I'll listen to over a few weeks or a week or so. No, all in one day. I literally took a two hour walk just so I can finish it. It was so powerful her her like mono or mantra is rest is resistance

and we will rest. It is just so powerful. The book is really just about how we were all overworked and overwhelmed and that how you do not have to earn rest, that is your divine birthright, and like we're all doing too much and if we would all just slow down just for a moment, you know that we can live more fully, deeper, happier, more centered lives. It is just it is a love letter to black women,

you know, and I just I cannot recommend it enough. Yeah, Like honestly, I almost wept when I finished it, honestly, Like that's how much it spoke to my spirit because you know, I mean you already know you know an entrepreneur, which just it's you work so hard. And I'm not saying you're not supposed to work hard, but sometimes we lose sight of like wait, so when does it stop? Like what is the end goal? Because sometimes work begets work, you know, And where do you draw the line in

the sand. And it was just such a beautiful book that helped me to reshape and rethink what is it that I'm working toward. Then how do I integrate rest more? Because you hear me now, my voice sounds like this. I mean, if you're used to my voice, it's a little huskier than normal. But I was sick because of

lack of rest. Honestly, I was getting sick. I felt it, and instead of resting, I pushed and pushed and pushed until I got upper respiratory infection and had to use an asthma pump for the first time in twenty years. Like and meanwhile, I don't have to work if I don't want to. So it's not like, oh my gosh, s Tiffany, because how you gonna pay these bills? Girl? How are you gonna So it's like, so I really needed it, and I just I suspect that most of

y'all listening could use that book too. I cannot recommend it enough. It's just it's just it's beautifully written. She's a poet, so there's a lot of that's the sense you get when you hear her read it to you. But it's just a really powerful book. Rest Is Resistance by Tricia Well, we'll put the link in our our show notes too. Tricia hersey h e r s E y.

keep going. So that's what it helped, you know, like to do so but yeah, so yeah, I just it just like I said, it was just it was a delight. But certainly it was definitely an eye opener of like, what are you working toward again, Tifney, slow down.

we're always teaching lessons again and again. Live the fact that now I pre recorded that and I can show up and do the you know, do the group coaching and give that guidance fresh like I'm and able to say no to things and I but I also feel like we all sometimes we are good at the whole rest thing and the you know, taking care of ourselves, and then there's like these cycles and you kind of find yourself getting out of balance again, and that's where

you like need that book or need that reminder. So I feel like this is going to be in my survival kit of when I start, because I'm I mean, I got some stuff planned. I'm like, oh God, the chaos is coming. So I can't wait to read that. I'm so grateful that not only that she that this mystery is out there, but that their message seems to be hitting, like we're absorbing it changing because of it. Why don't we have a guest today? Yeah, I'm excited

for you guys to meet. Well, we have a couple of exciting things we have in house, B, a Q and A. Finally, we are listening. We have our We've selected some listeners to join us live on the show, which we'll have our first today, and then we also have another special guest, Icobathia. And if you guys have heard me rave about Ico. She is a diversity inclusion expert, one of the originals, and she is currently working at like the biggest consulting firm I believe in Dee I Work,

which is Brene Brown's organization. And if you know Brene Brown, I Goo is right there with her and she's gonna come on and talk to us and I can't wait.

someone y'all might know, Stacy Abrams. I don't know, little just throwing that out there. Worked for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundations, where she started to first get where she first started to get involved with the important work of creating things like employee resource groups, leading some of

the organization's first conversations around race. Not because it was her job description, but because she knew that was at the core of what she wanted to demonstrate in her life and work, she dove headfirst into that equity work full time when she founded her own consulting firm, We

Love a Badass Entrepreneur. I Goo founded her very own consulting firm called Rare Coaching, where she has consulted with some of the biggest corporations globally around the country for sure, and today she is a part of the Berne Brown Education and Research Group, where she is also a senior director at Frontline Solutions, which is a black owned consulting firm.

Ico says she's guided by her unique background as a black and Asian American woman, with her intrinsic values of justice and loyalty, and her role as a mama of two black sons. With this perspective, Iico's able to use her passion and drive to create conversations and change around race and equity in the communications and organizations.

a stellar leader period, a competent leader. If I were only focused on equity or racial equity work or gender equity work, I would probably be exhausted all the time. So you know, the emotional labor behind that mental labor behind that is concentrated in being the work and doing the work can be exhausting. So I appreciate doing leadership work as well so that people can understand the sustainability part and not just segregate it and say all that d I work is over there. This doesn't have thing

to do with me. This is like the ex or curricular work.

So when you're always just on a hamster will period and there's not that space to one connect with people, and there really isn't that space to check yourself and also recognize the barriers that you're putting up for other people like that takes self awareness, pausing introspection, and then also the effort to retool and do something different. And so I think in the workplace there just hasn't been enough space for one people to be humane to themselves

or to other people. And then there's this other part about just accountability. You're going to say you're doing all this stuff, or we're this type of place to work, but when people don't show up that way, or they're really doing harm to other folks, and usually the same people who look the same, who are less empowered in society are the ones who are experiencing that harm. But

then there's no accountability. And sometimes in some workplaces there's actually a reward to that, right you're not spending time trying to hold the hands of your employees or get to know them. You're just getting stuff done no matter

what the cost. Therefore you're getting more of the kudos or the bonuses because you're selling more, you're working your people harder, they're producing more, versus thinking about the way that people experience the workplace, or that maybe you don't have the highest retention rates or do you even have lower retention rates when it comes to your brown and black folks, your women, other folks, and no one notices that because maybe there's only two in the organization anyway.

What's profit look like? You know, quarter after quarter? And I know you've worked for some really big corporations, But how do you start to shift that mentality of this stuff matters retention rates of black and brown talent, engagement rates, those other measurements that you talked about, How do you start to shift that mentality and convince them that this is good for business?

like why do people quit and leave? Is recognizing even for the Great Resignation, the number one reason that people left didn't have to do with compensation, didn't have to do with COVID, didn't have to do with remote work. It had to do with people saying, I'm working a toxic culture. And the way they define toxic culture was about a culture of disrespect, lack of ethics, dismissing issues that pertain diversity, equity, inclusion. So you can't even keep

your workforce. And how much does it cost to actually even hire and retain talent and to retrain talent. That's another thing. The other great thing is because there's podcasts like yours, there's things like classdoor all these other places, is where we can actually assess what an organization is like before we buy from them as a consumer, before we even apply to work there. So there's a greater

accountability beyond the walls of an organization. And you know, customers, consumers, people are getting savvier that get a line in a heartbeat to look at what's happening or find out what happened on that runway that had either clothing products or what have you that was disparaging to us. Everybody knows about black Twitter, the accountability looks really different, and it's very hard to recover a brand, especially when it's harmed

by its own behaviors or ethics. So I appreciate those aspects of even the social media and people being more willing to be transparent about what their experiences have been at different workplaces.

You know, what are the options for her?

aspirational self? If it is not, the longer you stay on that Hampshire will the more you're going to get in a place where there's lower morale, maybe lower aspect of your self worth, maybe further from your purpose in life. So I'm always centering the client about what do they want. I'm not going to ever be coaching you to coach which assimilate and do all these other things. It's what do you want? Who are you? And who do you want to be? What's your inspired self look like? So

that's the first thing I'm going to say. The other part is there's a reality of what we have space to do and not do in a given moment. So everybody doesn't have a privilege to just walk off of a job or tell somebody what I really think about you, but the idea of how do you make it so in terms of what your inspired life looks like, what is steps you need to take? But most importantly, why are you at this workplace now? And how is it

serving you? So now I'm making an intentional choice and informed choice of I'm staying here because maybe because you know what, my kids need health insurance, or maybe it's because X, Y and Z, or it's serving me because I'm getting this experience is going to allow me to be a B or C later, But being intentional because one of the things that we often find ourselves doing is showing up by default because everybody said that's a good job, and I need to stay at it, because

I should be grateful to be here, because I don't know if anybody else will take me, because I'm afraid and what else could be out there, what people are going to say about me? And sometimes it is I'm more comfortable with the devil, I know. But at least if you intentionally know why you're doing it, now you have ownership over your choice and you're not just living a life by default. So those are the first things I'm telling people. It's the center of them versus whatever

is happening in the system around you. You know, I want you to notice what's happening in the system, but I don't want to you to take the default route of I have to fix it, or it's my problem, or I need.

at leadership as an opportunity. And what I'm the response I'm getting is often politics, work, stress won't be supported. Fewer of us get at the top that look like us. How can I expect to be any different? And I'm just wondering if you have any if you've felt, if you've heard the same things, or if you have some advice for me, and how I can I have my own way of encouraging that and trying to not push but just show the possibility of what can happen when we do sort of end up in those rooms and

get those leadership roles. But it is one of the common things I hear again and again is I know I could be a leader, but it seems like, damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of proposition, I'm going to get there and I'm going to be the razor thin margin for error is going to be like this, I'm going to screw up and get kicked out or I'm not going to have any support. You know what would you say to that?

And also oftentimes, unfortunately what we've seen happen to other people dictate what our destiny is and that may not be the case. So still idea of my mantra for my folks, my clients and whatnot. It's really you're here to define success in your own terms. If it looks like being in that other seat, that higher seat, than

go after it. But know also who you are and what your boundaries are about what you're not going to do, and if it's not what you want to do, then understand why is it that you feel like this is a story to telling yourself and the life that you're creating for yourself, Because that's really important too, because more likely it's some kind of other boundaries that are probably that may be breached too.

you know what, my story can be different. And that's one of the harder things I think it is for to get over that mindset hump.

should be in the bracket we're in, right. Then there's on top of that, I always question data and how it's gathered anyway, So when I think about people in my community who are entrepreneurs and they're you know, cosmetologists, doing hair, doing it steta, they're making six figures. That's not necessarily calling the data. So I would have once upon a time been like, I'm not going to be doing hair. I'm not gonna blow because I can't make

it living. And now I'm looking at some of my friends and colleagues who make you know, three hundred thousand and more. They're doing hair, and that's not something that's necessarily looked at as a career for many folks. But I'm like, you have got to be able to find success on your own terms of what you want and make it so. Because if I believed everything that was written in the stats, because we know that there's so many stories about us that are not told because no

one's seeking them. And then there's the idea of what does a qualitative lifestyle look like. So there's also data that shows that many of us who work in corporate America, who were making great money economically, we went to all the schools that we're supposed to go to. We will die before somebody else who may be at a lower income bracket who looks like us. And I could give you a few guesses. I'm sure y'all know exactly why

and where's that stress coming from, Tiffany. Is it coming from the fact that you may not be able to pay the light bill? No? Is coming from what.

by my people, and am I doing enough? Yeah? And I just this book gave me kind of like the permission that I needed that I was already starting to give myself is that you don't have to do anymore. You do not have to qualify or quantify your life. You know, like if you had stayed a preschool teacher, it would have been enough. If you had just in the budget they said, it would have been enough. If you had been a mom and stayed at home, it

would have been enough. If you had never had children and stayed single and had your record, it would have been enough. You do not have to qualify your life. You don't have to add on too. I don't have to do anymore. I don't owe anyone, you know, and then except to show up in the fullness of who you are. And so like we are tired, we will

rest and I cannot. You know, that is the space that I'm navigating from, because it's just I mean, I tell this to my mentees all the time, that the real work is in the reaping, not the sewing.

you guys an example. So my book comes out, it becomes a New York Times bestseller. More opportunities to hit my inbox, I say yes to those opportunities. More opportunities hit my inbox. I say yes, So I have more opportunity. I say more opportunity. And before you know it, you're drowning and all the goodness you are literally drowning and all the opportunities and it seems like such a good

problem to have, but it's it is. It is the reason why my blood pressure has shot up to places where I stopped taking it because I was scared to even see the numbers one sixty over something. Can you imagine? And I was like terrified to like, I gart he a doctor and she was just like, girl, I knew I was stressed out, but I didn't know that my body knew that I was stressed out, you know, and use the store. Yeah, so that's another book that I've read,

Your Body Keeps the Score. And it was way before Drew had passed away, My husband had passed away, And it wasn't until he did that I was like, so what are we going to do, Tiffany? Are you next? You have to make a decision, girl, Like what are we going to do? You know, like, at some point you have to decide are you going to choose life for yourself?

I decided to get healthier and I lost twenty five pounds. Yeah, I eat better, you know, I work out well, I walk, and I relax more and even like I have this up respiratory like coffee because I've been doing too much the last couple of weeks. But and when I went to the doctor, she'd asked me, like, you know, do you have like high blood pressure, diabetes whatever? And I was like, you know, black people, I'm not climbing it.

I was like, noil. And so she took my blood pressure, which I had not had taken in like months, and it was normal. It was like one twenty five over like seventy two. And I was like, yes, yes, because what that means is because although I am definitely going through a seemingly stressful part of business right now, what that means is I am learning to say you come first, and that although those things are happening, I'm not allowing

it to tear down what's on the inside. And I just want to give all of us permission that as you do the good work, it starts with you. You know, it really does start with you. That you are no, you're not going to be helpful to anyone broken and and tired and exhausted, and I just I'm just so glad you're here so people can hear that, yes, we want to do the good work. We want diversity and inclusion.

You want to have a voice of you want to sit at the table, but you don't have to do all the things by yourself.

body even rejects it because it's so unknown. So you're sitting on a sofa, or you're doing some different things, you need to get up and do this. The to do list is just right there, heyble, And we don't know how to say no because six hundred people are asking us to do stuff. So we think that if we're not doing things that are on the job, then

I'm resting, But you're really not. And so this idea of imagination and world building seeing other women do it, giving ourselves permission even to be in luxury and not feel guilty about it, but we have to start even being able to imagine it because many of us have never even seen it or felt it before. So I'd ask you, Tiffany and Mandy, like, what is it that you had to be able to do to even imagine

what it looks like to rest? And one you already give yourself permission, but then to do it and to figure out what's working and that it's okay? What did you do?

a version of life that's happening in New Jersey. But here's another version of life. This is a corrective experience. You can live life in this way. And then quite honestly,

I had to burn it all down. That's an episode that you said when you came on earlier, and you said that that was the one that you were like because people were upset with me for burning it all down because they didn't see that if I did it, I would not be here, you know, yes, and so they did not know that, like I all that I had been doing to make sure everybody was okay if I didn't burn it down, that all it was for them was job loss. For me, it would have been

life loss. And I was just like, so sorry about your job, but kind of want to live. So I'm just I don't know what just else to say, you know. And even after sharing that, there were still some people that there were like, yeah, but you know, you know, you know, I was depending on that money for dot dot dot dot dot, And it was really like, it's a different Tiffany now because I'm not nearly as nice as I was.

I'm still kind, but now not nearly as nice as I was, because I realize how people will pick at the bones of your body and then walk over and then eat off somebody else and I'm not here for it. And so I'm still super kind, like you know, like that is a you know, but as far as nice, no like meaning that like the posturing, the I don't want people to think badly of me, the let me behave from this from this perspective or or point of view, so that way, on the outside everyone is like, Tiffany's

a good person. No, whatever you think about me, that's your business. I know how I operate. I sleep very well at night. I don't mistreat people. I try my best to navigate from a place of fairness and integrity and in alignment with what I think is best for my people. You know, I don't take more than I than I give. And so however you perceive me as far as nicest or not, that that's not of my concern anymore. And so that's what I had to do. I had to burn it all down, and I had

to like let the chips fall where they may. My biggest fear before it would always be what will they say? And I'm sure there are lots of people out there now who say, you know things about me that are not super flattering, and I don't care. Sorry, sist like I paid well for a very long time. You should save those coins when I was overpaying you to do underwork. Yeah, like, let's speak on it, because I promise you wherever you're working right now, you're not paying. They're not paying mode.

I was paying because I was doing too much.

And this idea so we talked about one, you've got to have give your self permission to imagine something that's even possible, right, that you may not have ever even seen or experienced. Then you got to give yourself permission. The permission may actually come first to even give you yourself permission to imagine, right. And then this other part of this self worth that you're saying, which is it can't be anchored into what the world thinks for what

other people think. So that idea of going back into who am I and what's my inspire self? Am I creating a castle between that my purpose and my inspire yourself? Or am I actually walking that? Because you're right that burnout. If we're doing this in terms of pleasing other people who were supposed to be always talk about it being their agenda, there's a point where we go away from their agenda to our agenda. That their agenda is you

need to do this right. You need to go to this school, work at this place, be this kind of person in the community. Whatever that story of origin is for you, you got to dismandle it and like you said.

tak look at the beer says you step there. You decided that you you the boss to everybody, you know, And I'm just like, let grown people, grown people, you know. And so that was a huge one for me too. But like, I yeah, when she told me that my blood pressure was normal despite all of the shifts that are happening, and now share some of that stuff with Mandy, and I'm like, I'm just like I was so like, yes, yes, you are figuring it out, Tiffany. You are choosing, Tiffany.

You know that you're allowing people to do what they need to do. You are still showing up, you know, in your purpose, and you are focusing on, yes, maintaining your kindness and integrity without this people pleasing niceness that you used to bring with you, because it's harmful to everyone, not just harmful to me, but honestly, it's harmful to people that was being nice to because it props them

up for something that's unsustainable, you know. And so like it's just such an interesting space because that's the struggle. I feel like, this is why this this this conversation of how do we show up for ourselves while doing work good work for the community. It's such a hard conversation to have because you know, it's like what do we owe the larger community of black and brown folks and what do we owe ourselves? You know, It's I

don't know any other race. I don't know because I'm only black, you know, But I'm like this, do other people carry so much of that heaviness of what we're supposed to do? Because Mandy and I struggle with that, right Like Amani's are our show producer? Because Mandy was like, no, I want a black show producer, you know, and it's just like, because like that's what I'm wanting. So it's like, how many of those types of pushes are ours to have, you know? Versus sometimes it's like I'm just tired.

brain off. And you know, I credit coming up with Tiffany in a way, like Tiffany's like my big She's ten years ahead of me in so many ways. And I've gotten to absorb and I've listened to everything Tiffany I said. So when I was building my business these past couple of years, I made such great boundaries when it came to my time and my schedule and charging more so that I wouldn't have to work more, and

you know, all these changes. The thing is, what I had to learn is other people haven't always been as as comfortable with the way I operate.

Disney World mom fun Like, I want to give him my everything, and I have to give it to myself first, So I work between ten and two thirty usually for ICO, I show up okay at this time, but it's interesting. And even my mom, my mom, who like I know that the so many and my mom is white actually, and she is still like she can't sit still. Laura Jane, if you're listening to this, I know you listen to the show you hate when I talk about you, But

the woman can't sit down. You never got to watch a movie with her because she'd be doing laundry and checking that and getting up and down. And I operate very differently, and even from her, I feel that, like nearly those dishes in the sink overnight, I'm like, yep, and I deserve to sleep. And she's not that kind

of person. So if you're in a space where I'm just saying, like, if you're in a space where even other people close to you seem a little uncomfortable with the space you're giving yourself, that that has nothing to do with you, and I don't. I choose not to feel an ounce of guilt about doing what needs to be done for myself. So I keep my monthly massage, I take my naps. I still bring home the damn bacon and it's thick cut. It's not that cheap shit either.

It's a good bacon. Like, I'm still bringing it home, and I'm trying not to sacrifice myself in the in the in the middle of it all. Talk to me in a year and maybe it'll be different, But I that was the biggest barrier, that was the biggest challenge for me, was like, wait, y'all don't necessarily want to support me in this, like you judge it a little bit because of issues that are not mine, and I can't carry that with me. And Alsola, yeah.

I mean, Tiffy, I'm glad that you, you know, went to get medical, you know, help checking up seeing what's happening. I just had a call from a close girlfriend today about a man I'm pre diabetic. What is going on here? And there's so many of us, many of us don't even have a space to get to the doctor's appointment and think about ourselves unless we literally steal it and say I'm worth it and make it happen, because it

is not one. We just are in a place where everybody works, right, that's your worth, What are you producing? What are you doing? And then to be a woman, and then to be a black or brown woman and be able to say I'm worth it and I deserve this and I need to do this for me, that's a whole other type of mental trip. To have to push.

And it just I still think about that commonversation and it's like, is that what you think? That's everyone's story that we must struggle. Yeah.

I just I don't even know if people realize sometimes we just be so tidy'll sometimes like oh my goodness, it's so tired. I'm like, I mean literally, I had a woman the other day. I was like sitting in a chair. I was taping some show, and she was like, I thought she was doing my hair. She was petting it, and she even said, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I just love your hair. Don't mind me petting it. She uses the word pet and I pulled away to look at her, and I just was like, do you do.

I'm just petting it. And I just look like I just I'm like, h'all tied because I'm tired. I go, what do you do?

space is. So one you know, a certain way, talking a certain way, not being able to make mistakes, not being able to push back and ask certain questions, especially as a woman of color, not being able to hold boundaries. I mean, it's not just that it's a razor thin space. It's about what is all of the humanity, your humanity and opportunities is taking off the plate. You can't even have your hair a certain way without somebody wanting to touch it, or someone meaning what did you mean by that?

Having to code twitch constantly. People don't understand the price behind that and even these other things. When you think about the experience of black people in the US, especially if you're thinking about deal, you know, to send us a slave, there is this rooted history of trauma and it is hard for someone to actually accept and think, oh, wait, you had a different experience than me, because I can't

even imagine it, because what could that be like? And it's that idea of modeling that this is what it could be like, and this is what you have to do. Are the decisions we may have to make that are different, that could be unheard of. And I know that I have to do constant unlearning because of how I was raised in a low income household in Spartanburg, South Carolina, and what was normal is not what should be normal

for everybody. But I have to constantly tell myself that instead of looking at other people's sideways of what you do such a time, or you know, diminishing somebody because they didn't have this experiences considered the black experience, instead of thinking, I'm not trying to rewrite that story for my kids. Are imposting on other people or make them

feel less than because they didn't have it? But that takes so much awareness to have to do that, because in the moments I do have these moments aside out like wait what and I have to say, but we do I want somebody else like me to have had that experience I don't want you to have had that experience. I'm glad you did, and that means we're getting closer to having more spaces where all of us didn't have that trauma.

truly internal work. And you work from that place. If you don't have to solve every problem and fix every issue, and you know that if you do that internal work, and if everybody did that, you know that's how we moved the needle forward. So we just want to thank you for coming, thank you.