Ep 224 - Get Out of the Drama Triangle

being named Grady campaign. Thanks mister. But listen, I have to talk about Hamilton, and hopefully this will encourage you to watch it, because whether or not you are a Broadway fan, a history fan, musical fan, story, hip hop fan, whatever, I think Hamilton became such a cultural touchstone when it was premiered on Broadway, or when it premiered on Broadway four or five years ago, and it was the defining piece of artwork for I think a generation, and it's

going to become what Camelot was to the Kennedys, where Hamilton is the Obama administration. Everyone's going to remember the time of Obama in Hamilton. And it is for those of you who have been sleeping under a rock or just you know, avoiding it, like Tiffany and My Little Brother.

Hamilton is a musical based on the life of Alexander Hamilton and our founding fathers Thomas Jefferson and others who fought in the Revolutionary War and wrote our Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, how our nation was founded, and the fact that it was founded by in one of the founders, Alexander Hamilton. Like a lot of people, all I knew about him was that he was killed in a duel, and that seemed really dumb. And Glynn Manuel Miranda,

who grew up in Washington Heights in New York. He is Puerto Rican. His parents immigrated here from the island before he was born. And hip hop was really, you know, like in the Heights. I mean, hip hop was just instrumental to his growing up. And he also became a Broadway nerd, and he really mashed those two things together when he created Hamilton. He's won the Pilitzer. He's been

named MacArthur Genius. This was a phenomenon, like people in Middle America knew about a show that they couldn't even see in New York City, and now it's all over the country, or at least it was before it became too dangerous to go to theaters anymore, which is very sad to me. So now it has been released on Disney Plus as a film. They actually filmed Hamilton four years ago when they were just about it was after the first year of their run on Broadway, and now

it's available. And what's so fascinating about Hamilton is it was for me, it was huge, Like Tiffany, if you've ever been to a Broadway show, you know, the audience is usually very old, very white, and I've been going to shows. I mean also the audience is very old and very white because it's very expensive to go to Broadway.

I mean, we're talking about two hundred dollars for a show unless you really know you know how to get cheap tickets, and there's not very many ways to get like affordable tickets anymore, especially there's so much demand for lotteries and things like that. So Broadway really is just inherent in the in the in the art form. It is I think classes because it really keeps out people who are at lower income threshold and cannot afford to

see it. And I only really began to be able to afford Broadway like a few years ago, and even then I had to save and it was really a big moment for me to go to a show. Hamilton for me was so important and so huge is because the cast is largely people of color, Latino, Filipino, black. It features a hip hop retelling of the founding of our nation. It is powerful. It is so powerful if you are like me and you have been starved for

stories on Broadway from people who look like us. I remember very specifically when I saw Nashville on Broadway, which is set I think in the nineteen sixties, and it tells it tells the story of Motown but through the lens of the artists who performing in Nashville at the time, and it was beautiful. And there really haven't been that

many more moments for me on Broadway. And then Hamilton comes around, and not only is the stage diverse, but the audience became more diverse because they came to see a play that featured people who look like them and it was magical. What's happening now it's four years later, Now we're in this different context. Back then, it was like, yeah, Trump was elected, but Hamilton came around twenty fifteen, twenty

sixteen before Trump was elected. It was still the good old years, you know, with in power, and Hamilton seemed to embolize everything that you know, the Obama stood for. And they were very supportive of the play and saw a million times. But now we're in twenty twenty. We've got the backdrop Black Lives Matter movement, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Elijah McCain, all of these, you know, and and the list goes on and on, and we're in the middle

of a pandemic. And Hamilton was universally beloved at least it felt that way when it first came out. But what we're seeing now is people like my brother, for example, have watched Hamilton and he's never seen it before, and he, you know, he din'ner. He was like, almost seems really overhyped. And I'm not trying to like just jump on any bandwagon, but I begged him, begged him, begged him to watch it because I was really interested to hear his opinion.

He's a very he's a tough critic. He loves hip hop. He actually performs and writes songs and raps himself.

He said, of all the stories you can tell with that many black and brown artists and hip hop itself, the art form that was founded by black poets, artist freestylers, spoken word artists in the sound box, like, how do you take that art form and then use it to lift up the stories of white men who played such a massive role in proliferating slavery at the founding of

our nation. And he just couldn't get beyond that. He couldn't get beyond the fact that he was his hip hop, which he loves was being used to tell the stories of these white guys who own slaves. And yes, Hamilton mentioned slaves in a couple of It mentions the fact that Thomas Jefferson owned slaves. It mentions the fact that George Washington actually does it. I'm not really I don't remember if it mentions Washington's the Washington the fact that

he owned slaves until his death. He emancipated his slaves in his will. So generous of him. Wait until I don't need you anymore and then y'all can get out of here. So he really took issue with that, and he's not the only one. People are really critically looking at Hamilton, And you know, my little brother was like, it just kind of felt like the Obama version of a hip hop musical. And it hurts my heart that he's so cynical about Obama. I'm gonna help him get

to the other side. But you know a lot of people criticize Obama. Did he do enough for Black Americans? Shouldn't he have done more for criminal justice reform? Shouldn't he have done this? Or that? Wasn't like the pressure is so real the first black president, he was never going to be good enough and he was damn near perfect, you know, in everything he did, this same thing is happening to Hamilton. I think it is one of it is such a huge cultural touchdone. It's all these black

and brown actors, singers, dancers, written by a Puerto Rican composer. It's, you know, about an immigrant story at its heart, and people are just kind of they're really tearing it apart. They're wanting these Founding Fathers heads on a spike. And I completely see it. But it's just a very it's a very interesting debate right now, and I'm actually it makes me like, in a strange way, it makes me like Hamilton more.

you're able to criticize it. So, you know, I just feel like it's art. It's meant to be you know, we're not talking about you know, I don't know, like it's art is subjective and so you know, it's meant to be critically looked at, and especially because there's some things like for example, like I mean, even though it's not the same as Hamilton, but thinking about like I used to love Martin the show, but if I were to watch it now.

I think that you know that this only also puts Hamilton cements its place in history and these types of conversations. So so now you make me curious to watch it, so I shall.

wil Miranda. He is a Latino man who has been through his own grit and determination and his talent has clawed his way to the top and has taken people with him. He has catapulted the careers of so many unknown Broadway actors, rappers, actresses, people who had been Broadway stars but hadn't crossed over yet because there just weren't enough opportunities for them to share their talents and meaningful roles on Broadway. And he gave them they He gave them a voice in the musical that he didn't have

to give them a voice in. No one would have said, oh, hey, Alexander Hamilton, play okay cool, everyone's white. Yeah sounds about right. But he cast. He did color blind casting, and he you know, he says he had to one because those are the people that he knows. And also because he's doing a rap hip hop musical, So what's he gonna do, Like, how can he cast? It would just be ridiculous to test anyone other than artists who can be true to

that art form. And that is what I've been advocating for, you know, the past couple of shows, just talking about how if you're given a piece of power, do your best to make things a little bit better, you know

than what you found it. Maybe you like, you're no sure he could have done a better job, you know, ripping apart these characters for the role that they played in the slave trade and how they fought for freedom and liberties that did not apply to everyone, despite the words in their own constitution.

That's one of the key lines from Hamilton. I'm trying not to get too on my soapbox about it, because I am pretty it's in my blood the show and the themes in it. But we're taking back the narrative. It's in our hands. Who lives, who dies? Who tells our story? We do we can, and if you don't like the way someone tells it you His success means that someone else who looks like him or someone different

will have an easier time telling their story. And I promise no more songs, I mean, maybe a little bone.

the top of your pictures. It's like you can look at someone's feed, you can do IGTV, or you can look to see how many people have tagged you in the thing. So anyways, it's on my IGTV and it's it's called Let's talk about Racing Money, and so we talk about racing money and so yeah, yeah, I just wanted to because I was just thinking about we were talking about, uh, race and money? Because oh you know why I came up because someone who interviewed and asked

me this. It was maybe forms or SEEINGBCEE. Somebody asked me, did I think that they had been interviewing some financial educators and experts whatever, some of whom believe that race and money should not be talked about together two separate things. Like, for example, someone told me I've not heard this to be true, but someone told me that Dave Ramsey said money is not black or white, it's green. That there's no place for race and money. And I'm like, well,

how white of you. That's so cute that you can live like that. What the hell is he talking about if he said that, because that's just not Yeah, So, not only is there a gender gap, there's a it's exacerbated by your race. It's you know, how much you make, how much you spend, Like my owner's insurance is influenced by where I live because of the races oft people

that I live here. We'll talk about later on in the show about you know, we've already talked about appraisals, but we have like this like update to talk about that. I mean, I cannot personally separate my race from the way I have to navigate with my money.

being able to separate the two. So when she told me that a bunch of financial educators, you know, that she'd interviewed, like I said, I can't remember what it was like Forbes or Time or something like that, I was like, yeah, I can almost guarante you what they look like because they don't have to consider that, you know, I don't.

paid less. I mean, should it be can it be changed? Absolutely, but it's still a thing that I can't pull out, you know, Like I would love to pull that out that I would love to know that as an influencer or an educator whatever, that I'm paid the same despite the fact that me being a woman and then being a being a black woman on top of that. So I just thought that was so I did a whole because of that interview and maybe it just put me in a state of mind to do like a talk

and a rant. And you can certainly tune in and listen, but I wanted to take like a veer to the left. So I wanted you actually just as good, right, I want to your advice man drugs. I feel like you are good with whether or not because I tend to lean on not saying when something is not right, and I feel like you're more of a better gauge. So

I use a service. Well, it was a product that I order handmade beautiful, but the young woman who was black, who was delivering these products to me, it has been challenging. Everything has been.

take discounts on black women, so cheat offer me. They're like, oh my gosh, I love you, but Janizza, you know I love what you're doing. I'll give you a discount. I said, thank you, but no want to pay pull full price just like everyone else because I'm also going to expect full service, and so that has not happened. So our our working relationship has coming to an end, like I'll finally get the final thing that I've paid

for soon hopefully. So I'm just wondering, I would I want to pull her aside to have like a sister the sister hey girl, hey like business almost you know, black business owner to black business owner. Here's some things that you know, here's someeedback so you can do better. Obviously I'm not gonna I'm not dragging her on social or anything like that, but I don't know is it my place too, because we're not like like if it

was you many we're friends. So I could be like girl seeing a thing telling you, you know a thing, but someone we're not you know, we're not bosom buddies. We're not friends. You know. I was just a client, and I do have some feedback, and I would love to be able to give it to her, like you know, in a you know, from like literally like black women

and black woman business owners to a business owner. But I'm not sure if it's appropriate, and she has not asked, you know, so when it made sense, I would say, hey, you know, checking another thing, I don't have it, or hey, this wasn't delivered in the way that I was expecting. So I've given the basic feedback, but that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying like that deeper. I didn't ask you for all that feedback, Like honestly, if you would do this, this, this, and this, it would be better

for your business that kind of feedback. So like the other stuff, the surface feedback I've already given, but the deeper feedback, what say you, Mandra, Is that appriate?

go immediately and blast them on a review platform. I think it's very generous of you to give her that feedback one to one and very mature. Whether or not she receives it is up to her. Whether or not she takes it and is gracious about it is up to her. That's why I'm like, get your goods first and then give the feedback.

it's generous of you. And I also think that you're in a position where, I mean, you've talked in the show about how you've had your fairy godmothers who have given you advice when you didn't ask for it, or even when you did ask for it, And you know, maybe you could be that for someone else, but they need to be ready to receive it. I can't. And because you don't know her, you can't speak to her maturity,

and she may take it as an insult. But if she's smart and mature, she will say, Wow, this person has poured into me a little bit of knowledge. I just don't. I mean, based on the fact that she hasn't owned up to her own pens management, I would err on this. I kind of feel like, maybe she's not so mature, but she's what kind of product is it? Like an artistic product or like a numbers and finance type of I mean.

gonna you know what I mean. I just because a number of people have asked and I'm like, oh, well, uh, I don't know if this person is taking on other commissions or whatever, even though I'm sure that she is, you know, because I don't want someone to come to be like that Hail Tiffany. I ordered it and it's like four months later, and I'm like, you.

And I'm glad that you're the one who's who's going to be giving her this this feedback, because I guarantee you if a white lady and this mom's of whatever, you know, I'm in my local Moms of x y Z City facebook group because they you know, it's a good it's a good way to source recommendations for all kinds of stuff. And I know if one of those moms goes and works with the black owned bakery for the first time and the cake order is messed up, they're not going to get the benefit of the doubt

that you know, a name brand bakery would. And also, you know, even if the even if the customer rightfully is like I'm probably not going to order a cake from that place anymore and I'm just going to order from somewhere else, there's so few and far between that somewhere else is probably not going to be black owned. So it sucks on that end, it really does. But at the same time, there's I think you giving her the advice is very generous and you should do it.

Just don't be offended if she's like okay, doesn't respond to you, or worse, you know, is very petty about it.

our listeners. So one of the one of the couple that reached out to us. Let's see, So if you remember a few shows ago, this woman she reached out. She wanted to be anonymous, and she asked, us, you know, it's a pandemic right now. I'm up for a job, and I know that I'm not being offered the same as someone else who's worked there before. Do I have is it? Is it okay for me to negotiate essentially? And you can guess our answer. It was very emphatically like, yes,

ask what you're worth. So she reached out last week and she said, I just wanted to give y'all an update. I was offered the position with more money, and I still negotiated. My total raise was ten thousand dollars in the middle of a pandemic.

And this sounds like an internal promotion. It's probably a lot easier to give you a raise than it is for them to spend time and money going out there and recruiting a whole new hire who they're going to have to pay a lot more to poach. So I think this is fabulous and I'm glad you stub for yourself.

is terrible. So I enter into that triangle over and over and so many of my relationships, and it's a pattern that I have that I'm observing and going to break if I want to do and be better. So that's all.

need to continue setting boundaries like you. I didn't know there was a name for it, so thank you. This has opened my eyes so much.

you could be like, oh, so the key is. I actually was talking to one of my friends about it today because she wanted to write this whole long letter to a cousin of hers because she felt super taken advantage of. So I was asking her to give me examples, and I said, She's like, well, I let her in my dress and my jewelry and this and this and this. I said, does she come to your room and take it it'? She's like no, I said, so, when she didn't give you back her dress, did you lend her

the necklace? When you lend her the dress, no necklace? At a different time, I said, well, when she didn't give you back her dress in your necklace, when did you lend her the earrings or after that? So is she really a taker or just a receiver? Without you see what I mean. So I had to really look at myself and say, oh, a lot of what I am categorizing as this person is taking unless they really did come and take these things from me. Because some people are are you know, are like that malicious in

their taking? Or is this person just an endless receiver? Because we have people in our lives that are good at setting boundaries for themselves. So my husband, although I'm an uber giver, he sets a boundary that says, when Tiffany gets to hear, I stop her. So that's why we have such a great relationship because he is not a bottomless pit of receiving. But a lot of people are. They're not taking, They're just like, well, Tiffany is an adult. If it's too much, she will stop. If she doesn't stop,

I'll say I'll get taken or I'll keep receiving. So it's like, oh, so I'm learning through business coaching AKA Like it's like, honestly, it's therapy. Is that not to I won if I'm not giving from the light. So you can give from the light side or give from the shadow side, giving some of the light side of when you're really just giving, because giving brings you joy, like when I do something for my nieces and my nephew, like, oh my gosh, I love doing stuff for them. I'm

not expecting anything. Giving from the shadow side is giving with expectation or giving because you're worried about what that person will think or feel. So giving from a place of fear, and if you do that enough, you build up that resentment and then you become the victim, you see what I mean. So I was like, oh, so I've actually been learning to say no. I literally have a list of like things that people are asking me

to do, and I'm writing no next to them. So i can say no because I do so much, not because I actually want to do it, but because I'm afraid if I don't, what will they say? What will they think? That's not really giving, that's performative niceness.

to appeer to be a nice person. You see the distinction, Like, yes, I want to be nice, of course, but I'm like, I really really want people to think I'm nice, So even when I'm not feeling nice, I will act nice so people can be pleased with me. And it's a habit that I've learned. I mean I can kind of like trace it back to like this time in like seventh grade, when I just I had no friends, and it was.

It's important that people are happy with you even if you are not wanting to do the thing. They cannot know you don't want to do the thing, because then they're gonna say Tiffany's not nice, you know. And I'm like, oh, and he said, so, what's the worst thing if someone thinks that you're not nice? I'm like, I don't know. So that's the question I have to answer for myself. So most people, if I say I can't do a thing, are fine. Most people are like, you know, hey, Mandy,

can we tape on Tuesday instead of Wednesday? And sure, that's most people. There are gonna be a handful of people who are gonna be you know what, No, I don't know, you know. But the truth is most people don't care when I say no, you know, not no, like no, but like, oh, you know. Unfortunately I'm not able to participate in that. In that webinar, most people are like, okay, well thanks for considering. So I'm like, this is what you're afraid of the Okay, thanks for considering.

Like I said, I it's something I'm trying. It's a pattern I'm trying to unlearn because I don't want to be performative nice because it's a miserable place to be because I find myself doing things that I really don't want to do because I'm afraid of what you'll think of or say, and I want to just be because honestly, my regulativity self it's pretty nice. Not I'm not one hundred percent nice, but regulativity self is a good eighty

five percent nice. It's like it's okay for fifteen percent to be Like, I don't feel like doing it, even if it's a good thing, because that's why I feel guilty. They're like, can you come speak to the homeless shelter in you know, New Brunswick. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I haven't like slept a full eight hours and like three weeks I'm tired. And so although do runs for homework shelter homeless shelter is a good thing, I actually don't want to do it because I for once I

want to sleep in. But I'll do it because I can't say no, I'm a homeless shelter. I'm terrible if I don't, and then I get sick the next week and then you know, so it's not an easy thing. So I just I encourage all of you supergivers to really ask yourself, are you just performing your kindness and performing your niceness? Are you giving from a place of

shadow or from a place of light? And you really want to make sure that when you are giving, that that you're you're getting the return from the give, so meaning that like I'm if I'm doing something nice that I know, I'm like, my friend was sick, so I sent them vitamins, so like, there's this vitamin C that I really like, So I sent them vitamins. And so my return on that investment and sending them vitamins was I knew my friend was going to feel better, so

if I'm waiting, well, so I didn't need anything. So my friend ended up like like cash affing me money, and I was like, if you don't keep this money, so I sent it back. But if that was the reason why I sent the vitamins, so that way they can then give me my money back. You know, you're looking for like your payout on the back end, and you may or may not get it, and that's why you feel the sink sense of like being used or

taking advantage of it. But that's not really true. So really giving with the sense of like, the giving itself is the gift that I'm leading. That is the return on investment, the fact that you're giving in itself. So I'm practicing it so for those So this is a little exercise that we can all do together. And this is what Zion, my business coach, said, So we're not changing the pattern right now. We are going to celebrate

the awareness. So I have been just my regulativity self still, but when it happens, I'm saying, hey, you are perfect. You are practicing performative niceness aware. Okay. So that's the first step. It's just as you're going through to say to like put it like a sticky note on it. Oh you're doing it again, okay, But to celebrate the awareness,

not to make yourself feel bad in the awareness. It's just we're just that way you can start to notice your patterns and then I'll learn what's the next step, because I don't know. So right now I'm just being like, oh, look at you doing it. Girl. You know you don't want to do that, okay, but we're celebrating it. Okay, good job, we see you, Tiffany, And.

and like still people like her. How does she manage? You know what I mean? Like, I just that's one of the things I love about you is that you're just like, yeah, no, that's not a fit or you know what, it doesn't feel right or you know. I mean, I'm terribied of like people being like I Haye, Tiffany. I don't know where that comes from, but like I,

it's so I find myself seeking out. It's almost like maybe a through osmosis, I can like get some of that mandyism where you're like you're pretty clear on yes to this, know to this, unapologetic, like I didn't kick your puppy so you'll be.

not in therapy. No, I'm not business therapy. I'm in the psychoanalis kind of therapy. But what I have found is I was a little insecure about all the boundaries I was setting. You know, is it keeping me from relationships that I might have? You know, because I leave jobs and I'm not the one who has seventeen or you know, twenty coworkers that they still catch up with.

I maybe have one or two. And I've got friends of mine from previous jobs who will be friends with everyone from the old job and go to all their parties and their weddings and YadA YadA. But I realized when I talk to that person about the parties or they get together as they go to they're never happy about it. They're like, oh, I got dragged to this day party where they played music, and I just like, I'm so tired. And they never seem joyful about the

interactions they have with those friends. And I think, I think you're absolutely right. And I don't have too much to add to it other than to say that I love a boundary and I one hundred percent feel like, just follow what is true to yourself and it will be in the right direction and have confidence in that. And I've only come to have confidence in my strategy for happiness, I would say, in the last couple of years.

So I love it, and thank you for going back into it, because the second time you told this story, I'm feeling it more as a mother, that fact that I will say, I will put down my work, interrupt a conference call that I like I did today, and go take the baby so that hus by can have a sandwich. Meanwhile I'm glaring at him the whole time and turning off my video so I can glare at him properly and they don't see me. And then muting myself so I can say nasty things to him while

I'm holding the baby. What if I just said, nah, brah, you hold the baby and eat a sandwich at the same time, because I do that all the time. Yeah, so you set yourself up a failure and that's a stand.

it and I'm going to own up to this. I was even thinking, Oh, it wasn't that much less like what was she really discriminated against, Like this is not as strong as my voice was at the time, but I had that little niggling doubt in my mind, and I think a lot of black and brown people you question the reality that you're facing, Like you question what's that That's what they call it microaggressions, Like what's that discrimination? Am I overreacting?

times on Facebook. I think it was like ten thousand times by the time someone that Instagram follower or shared it with us. But this person on Instagram or sorry on Facebook, it's a public post for an awswe I'll post a link to our show notes. She says, on the topic of generation wealth, we needed to get our home appraise. The appraiser came by and he was immediately unpleasant, making one rude comment after another. He expressed exaggerated surprise when he saw me, a woman of color, working at

my home office during the walkthrough. At the end of it, we received an appraisal result that was so low that it was laughable. We appraised lower than neighboring home sales with fewer bathrooms, fewer bedrooms, significantly lower square footage, and half the land. I knew immediately what needed to happen. We ordered a second appraisal and took down all family photos containing black relatives. We took down all pictures of

African American grades that we displayed to inspire our son. Zora' Neil Hurston and Tony Morrison came down from the bookshelves. Shakespeare went up. My son and I took a convenient shopping trip during the appraisal, leaving my white male husband to show the appraiser around alone, we appraised, Oh, this is gonna kill me. We appraised one hundred and sixty two thousand dollars higher the second time around, the amount of an entire house.

it's like that abusive. This is what I mentioned in the in the in the Race and Money rant on ig and my ig TV post is where I was just like it truly is an abusive relationship with America that you get punched and hit and hair pulled so often that you've learned to accept the abuse even though, like you know it's not right, but you've learned how to manage through the abuse until one day you're out of the shower and you walk by a window and you see your body full of bruises, some old, some new,

and you're just like, what the entire hell? And it's times like this that make you say that, and then you you have to you start to replay all of this abuse that you've that you've like lived through, and you're just like, well, what do I do with this? I'm minus the abusive relationship. I don't know where else to go? I know this is wrong? What do I do? And that's why you see some people raging and some

people rioted, some people you know, protested peacefully. But that's why you see, it's because we walk by the mirror and we're seeing the bruises old and new, and we know that there are more bruises to come, and we've had enough. And it's just look to you to your point, manny where I'm even questioning myself. Will take now you buck and girl, because maybe you know what's ten twenty thousand dollars? I'm sorry, what's ten twenty thousand dollars? Does

anyone else have to say that? You know the fact that my my realtor was like, that's your that's your your your homeowners insurance your house and praises for about four hundred thousand minus one point too. We pay the same amount in home owner's insurance. He was shocked you had the same exact homeowners insurance company. And I had a woman in my comments say, well, as an insurance company,

it's because shut up, ma'am. It's not reasonable that my house, which is worth one third his house, should be I should be paying insurance at such a high rate in comparison. Shut the entire hell up. That is wealth lost to my family from the house being a praise for less, from paying more to homeowner's insurance to being paid less as a black woman. So you add all those things up, and then you're like, if black people would just only work harder, wouldn't be a wealth gob Shut the entire

hell up. I'm supposed to outwork racism.

previous homeowner. You know, his his pictures from the Vietnam War, his military pictures. I forget if he was in the army or what, but he's a veteran and I, honestly, I reacted so warmly to that, to those photos and to the fact that we were buying it from a beautiful black couple whose love was so apparent in their home. But not everyone is like that. I get that and part of me is like, hell, yeah, Rosemary need thanks for not hiding your identity. But would they have gotten

more offers on the home? Would they you know, have gotten a would their house have appraised for more? Because the appraisal came in a little bit lower than what their asking price was and we took advantage of that and got the house for like I think it was maybe five or ten k cheaper. But was it because of their race? Because the neighborhood we're in is not majority white, because there are you know, there is a good presentation of minorities, and because they're very clearly a

black couple. If you come into their home and you bother to look around, you can see those signs. Yeah, and you're storting me a little bit uncomfortable and it but I didn't want to see it, and I think

even a black woman like me I will. It's like you said, we have these moments in our life and sometimes to keep moving to keep our good mood going, to just keep you know, trying to believe that you have possibility in this country that things can work out for you because you're different, because you're smarter and you're educated, et cetera. You don't want to hear it, and I so I'm sorry for even not hearing it. But I acknowledge that.

what's the alternative? You know, this is why you have, you know, slaves singing spirituals in cotton fields, because what is the alternative? Do I just lay down and die here or do I hold onto some hope in the future.

the bad actors, because they have the power. They wrote the law that enacted institutions like the Federal Trade Commission, like the Consumer Financial Protection the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Let me say the entire name of that organization, which has been systematically dtoothed. Is that the word like d toothed, I don't know, ripped apart? Yeah, thanks, I did have a big glass of white wine and no dinner, just

you know, being transparent. Over the past few years, since Trump was elected, they have completely cut the CFPB down at the knees, which was an institution that Elizabeth Warren herself spearheaded during the Obama administration. Anyway, like, these institutions should be the ones that are fighting for us, and you need to contact your local representatives and tell them your stories because they're the ones who are being paid by our tax dollars, by the way, to defend us.

And it is not our job to. It is not our job to. Unfortunately it has become our job to fight and get in the streets and get mad and get last. But they should be held accountable and we need to vote with these issues in mind. What are you doing to promote black homeownership and fair lending practices for black and brown homeowners or home purchasers? Like what are you doing for us? We need to ask these questions and be cognizant of the power that they hold.

it's because they're doing this like scanner thing. You know, you can scan your home you put all these things in, like how many bedroom, bathrooms all that, and it just goes into a machine and it says, this is the appraisal, and the machine pulls based upon square footage and this and that. It pulls the comps based upon the actual facts, not who freaking lives here, not the color of your skin. They're like, you know, you're their appraisal. Gun, it's taking

do do do do? Okay, this is this is how big the house is, this is all the things, this is what other house is sold for. This is how much you know, It's like what I do with fair pay for for the for my staff. Right, So we have a short a chart with you know, you know what color you are. You know what color you are based upon how many responsibilities you have. But you also

know because we tell you your personal color. So no one knows your color, but everyone knows all the pay They're like, oh, purple makes between thirty and sixty oh or pink makes between you know, sixty and one hundred, and so you fall within that range based upon your color, the color that you are, based upon the responsibilities that you hold, and basically how long you've been here. And there are bonuses that we give you know, based upon like you

know your how well that you do. But it leads so it's like you're not wondering, well, it's the guy getting paid more. It's like if he's blue, he's getting paid blue, you know, and.

figure out what they can get from us. Let's just cut the bullshit and ask people for like, give them an offer for what they're worth and be firm in that.

Like it drives me nuts. That's how I act as a hiring manager, and that is one of the things that I'm really pushing my company to change because I'm like that as a hiring manager because I know what it's like to be on the other side as a woman of color and to not know anything about what I'm asking for, what I'm worth because I don't have the friends and family who can tell me and help me out. But I'm unique. I genuinely feel that in the company and other people should be trained and how

to do that, and we should. It shouldn't be that hard. And I'm fucking tired. I saw a Twitter throw from one of my writers about a previous job that she had and how she felt like it was her fault for not asking for more. No, it's not, it's not. It is on us. The people with power should be the ones not abusing it, but using it to create

the equality that people deserve. It's on us. If I see one more article about how women should negotiate better and how women should learn how to ask for X y Z, or how you as a black person, can you know just just you know, fade yourself a little bit to get a higher salary. You know, hydra LinkedIn picture, you know, hydro Airbnb photo, You'll get a higher rate for your Like, this is.

for people like Tiffany myself. Eventually in the future, I imagine myself starting something on my own and to change the way businesses operate and operate from this place from the beginning, so we don't have to just go and learn it later when all of a sudden someone calls us out and we get embarrassed. This has to be the new norm, one hundred percent. You guys got to vote. You got to contact your legislators. They check their email. You got to contact them, call them, ask the questions,

share your stories with them. It's not time. Now is the time? Now is the momentum is behind us. We've got to share these stories. And I'm so glad this woman has. I don't know how her story ended, but as far as I'm concerned, she has nothing to do. She needs to share her story with her local representatives, and like she did on Facebook, it's getting the story out there. Now it's on us who have seen her story to amplify her voice and for people in power

to do something about it. Not her. She did the right thing to do. She got a second opinion, and that is what you can do. That's in your power. Your power as a consumer in this system for the time being, is to get second I mean, unfortunately it costs extra money to get another appraisal, but get multiple appraisals, get multiple loan office loan offers, make people negotiate, make them compete for your business. That's what you have in

your control. Who Okay, that cause of mine was very I should have had some dinner before I sat down. But that's all good, all right. Thank you so much to our listeners who followed up with us. If you have a question that you've answered that we've answered on the show and you have a follow up, send us to send them to us. And also you can send us your questions at Brandanbispodcast at gmail dot com or hit us up on the gram. We are at brandonbis podcast on Instagram.

trying to get you. If you're not familiar with mister Kaepernick. He is the gentleman that kneeled all throughout the like I think it was like twenty nineteen and maybe even twenty eighteen, like the NFL eight earlier seventeen, Yes, during the NFL season, and as a result lost his ability to play professional football. I mean he but he started a whole movement and he was like, you know what, you know who doesn't care? Not me, Not that he didn't care because he loves football, but he was like,

this means more. He was kneeling to protest police brutality against black people, and they turned into this whole disrespect of the flag and other bs said it wasn't but as racists are apt to do. Since then, the NFL admitted like we were wrong, because you know, black lives matter right now is cute, so you know they want to get in line with it.

inspire the youth with compelling and authentic perspectives. I look forward to sharing the docuseries on my life story in addition to so many other cultural impactful projects we're developing. So he has a development deal with Disney to develop and black and brown stories, which I'm just like, what, So this is what I posted underneath you know, I said, this is the literal manifestation of they tried to bury you, but didn't realize you were a seed groking, continue to

bear fruit and bring nourishment back to your people. Okay, So yeah, he's all the things, and I just yeah, I just you know, well, here's the thing. It doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes you stand up for what is right, and you know, you there are no flowers, there are no Disney deals for you. And obviously he's not doing it for that, because how can you anticipate that what's gonna happen. But you know that if you

can make someone else's life better. But he sacrificed so much, and so I've just loved that this is happening, and he's been donating money. I just he has stayed so true in the face of adversity. I honestly, he's goals. Okay, he's goals.

her platform to amplify important voices of color. And I love her so much and the fact that they're teaming up together is just beautiful. Love it and shout out to Disney. I guess they're trying to make things right because you know, for a long time they did not amplifier voices.

was I gonna do again? I forget? Oh my boost, Yes, a quick boost finally I've been wait, I haven't forgotten about you, Amy Cooper. I don't think America has either thing. Thank I was a little concerned because George Floyd happened soon after Amy Cooper. Not that obviously no one's life was taken, But Amy Cooper, she's the woman who called the police on a black man in Central Park because he had the audacity to ask her to put a leash on her dog, which is the rule in the park.

That she was waltzing her behind through with her dog, and she took great offense to the fact that someone called her out, and so much so that she called nine one one and threatened him. She didn't threaten him with a gun, or with a knife or with the actual weapon. She threatened him with his own race. She said, I'm going to call the police and tell them there's a black man threatening me. Because she knew the power of her words. I don't care what statement she put

out afterwards. She knew that using his race against him was a weapon, and she knew exactly what she was doing. But I wonder she lost her job very soon after this news broke She unfortunately, you made the mistake of talking to a man who was very renowned in his field, not that he needed to be at all, but he had a lot of people come out and support of him, and she had her come up. But what mattered to me most was is what she did illegal? And has

she been held accountable? And it just came through today, I think or yesterday, that she's been charged officially with filing a false report with law enforcement, which is like, why did it take all this time? I don't know. It was pretty clear it was a false report. But thank goodness, because this is the accountability that we need, and it's something small, very small, that has happened that is the right thing. There are obviously bigger things that

were still waiting for. We're still waiting for accountability for the police who killed Brionna Taytlor murdered, murdered, needlessly Breonna Taylor in her home. They still haven't arrested those those killers, nor had they arrested the people who killed the cops who killed Rashard Brooks in Atlanta, and so many more. But it was one one little piece of today, And.

because he almost crashed me. And then you call me the N word and she starts to scream and cry and says I'm not a Karen and he's like, ma'am, I just want you. I forget whatever it was he wanted to exchange. I think she's something. I think he wanted to just exchange insurance cards or something like that. But so, anyway, so people are walking up, and of course, because she's weaponizing her tears, You're like, what are you doing? Leave her alone. He's like, I don't know if she

hit him or clipped him. He's like, I just want her, like I am allowed to ask for her insurance card or whatever he wanted. And she's like, he called me the N word. I'm recording because I don't want it to come out that I did something to her and I did not. So she is boohooing and screaming, but I'm like, I bet she won't screaming when you were calling this man the N word and cutting him off. And so It just was hilarious because she was very well aware of yikes, if this is his the interwebs,

this might be the end. So you're on notice, ma'ams and missus, so watch your mouth, watch your face because yes, you know, although black people don't.

it's like unrequited. You watch it and you're like, okay, so they did this terrible thing and now we know, So now now what what I like about Gossip of the City is that it pivoted its account and now it posts the ask for help finding this person and then shares that person with the authorities for them to either be arrested or shares them with their job, and then post updates like hey, this person was arrested for threatening this person or this person was let go for

these racial slurs. So it's of all those types of sites, of all those types of ig accounts, Gossip of the City. It feels like there's a sense of closure there. And they've even started like a Facebook like page where it's like, you know, help Stop Racism, where you can basically report in and crowdsource help, like hey, this person did this

to me. I'm showing you the proof, and then they crowdsource help like you know, because sometimes you know, nobody wants to do anything, but then you know, twenty two thousand people see it. The New York Times does a story and all of a sudden, the police are like, oh, yeah, that's a legal Oh you think so, I just yeah,

so I like thus far. You know, a friend of mine, I was actually getting my hair retightened the other day because it'd been months and months and months, and so I was telling my the my friend katab who does it. He was telling me about the site. He told me that's why he liked it, he said, because the other ones just kind of made him feel bad, and he was like, but this one, it feels like one I could help in case I recognize someone. And two we get an update of like, hey, thank you guys so

much for the help. There's been something something has happened as a result. So I'm like, yay. So Gossip of the City get you.