Aspirations Are Kicking My Butt (383)

my second flight to Georgia in three weeks. First, you know, my uncle passed, My dad's brother passed, and it's so fucking sad.

this year because not everybody can be pleased. And as much as I've worked on, like, you know, being at peace with the fact that I can't please everybody, of course still you want to please people are on the holidays, so the mental gymnastics of like where are we going to spend which holiday with? Who has begun along with Like my son's school sent us a note last night that this is Spirit Week, but thank god today was pajama Day. I was like, can I be pajama day

every day? Can it be? You've worn those same pants?

And the one thing is he sent me. At the time, I was like, what an interesting baby gift when I had rio, Uncle Mark sent me this like giant package of sesame street wash claus which was like such a specific gift, and I'm like wow. But when I tell you, I have gone through all like fifty of those things, and they're always a thing I pull out instead of like all the fancy baby you know, rags and burp

claws and all that kind of stuff. So whenever I see those sesame street wash clause, I always think about him. And the last text I sent him was like, do you know I use much and the last conversation we had, this is why it's so sad, And I'm gonna turn it around because I'm trying to look at this from like a use this moment to learn and to grow

for your family moment. Because my uncle he suffered from kidney disease kidney failure like so many people in my family do, and he was on dialysis for fourteen fifteen years, and in recent weeks he had offered us comfort and offered us sort of a window into what his life on dialysis is like as I'm not trying but my dad's business out there. But my dad is also potentially

going to be dealing with that as well. Anyway, But Uncle Mark, he got on the phone with my brother, my dad, and I and he was like, you know, this is what it's like. It's a part of my routine. Your dad doesn't have to your dad and have to suffer like he can make it a part of his life. Like there's cruise ship where they do dialysis, all this kind of stuff. And he was so comforting to us.

And so now two weeks later for him to die from complications of that very disease and having gone to my grandpa's funeral just three weeks ago, who died from kidney cancer. And it is just it's humbling, but it's also it feels like I'm finally awake in a lot of ways like this, it's not the kidney disease that has been killing so much of my family, my dad's

side the family, it's all the underlying chronic conditions. So if you're someone with diabetes in your family and hypertension, the way that it moves in my dad's side the family, I mean in twenty twenty three, like, how can I have an aunt who died from diabetes complications? Like that's just to me, it's criminal, you know. But in our community in Atlanta, like my dad's family, access to health care is a real issue. Access to affordable insurance is

a real issue. When your primary care doctors are fucking er and you have to wait hours to be seen, they're not in there giving you like holistic care. No primary care doctor has been on you about getting your glucose levels tested and talking to you about the long term, you know, impact of these chronic diseases. And it's like,

now my family is reaping the not the rewards. It's just like it is finding out the consequences of not not educating ourselves and not making changes, you know, and not making it like our jobs, like making it a part of our jobs to check on each other and be on each other's you know, backs about taking care of ourselves the way that you know. I feel like a lot of the stress that my brother and I have had around showing up for my dad now and making sure that he has all of his appointments and

he meets those things. I'm like, where have I been? My Dad's a hot I was like, where have I you know, I take some of that ownership. I'm the eldest, I'm his you know, first daughter, And so there's like that pressure, and I know I'm going to go at this funeral at the end of this week, and I don't know what to say other than like, we have to wake up and we have to start like my cousins, you know, the young the No, I'm not that young anymore.

We're in our thirties and forties now. But we have to get it together and break this cycle because this is a last funeral I want to go to from a preventable disease, you know, in our family and so did I say I was going to turn it around and like put a positive spin on it, because I think I lost the spin.

I think I have not you know. I was like I had all these things like okay, this is like you know, my doctor gave me like a list of things, and then she got sick with cancer and she was gone for a while, and I just was like, I just you know, you just are like, oh, I got to find a new primary I gotta you know, I know. ZocDoc is one of our sponsors. I was like, I think that's what I actually used initially to find her, and I, you know, you just like you kick the

can down them, you know, down the road. I mean, Drell passed away and just everything else full out the wind. I just was like, I don't you know, I can't even think about it. But just most recently, I've been like Tiffany, like you don't know where you stand? Helpful.

I mean, you know, I don't you know. When I was doing IVF IVF, I mean I literally probably went to the doctor two or three times a week, so I was constantly blood pressure, blood work, and so it was like I knew everything where I stood, you know. But then when that process was over, I can honestly tell you I have no idea. So I'm like, I know, like I need to you know, I need to know. You know, there are not too many things that I know of that run in my family. My dad is

in his eighties. He doesn't have as far as I know, high blood pressure. No, that's not true. Maybe a little, but nothing something that's like comparable to his age, you know what I mean. Like nothing, I mean not that I know of that cancer or anything runs in our family but still these things you don't know, you know, so.

came on in my eyes. When I visited my dad recently for my grandpa's funeral, which happened to be like, you know, he died the day my dad was discharged from the hospital for anyway, And as we were driving from the airport to my dad's house in the heart of Atlanta, on the way to where he lives, like a little bit south of Atlanta, when I tell you the number of dialysis centers I saw, it was like you know when you go down those streets with car

dealerships and there's just one on every side, there's like ten there. It was like that, you know, when it's like a diabetes and dialysis treatment center, and I'm just like looking, yeah, look at the business. Look at the business. Look at the billions that are being made on the backs of people who were dying from an illness or suffering from an ill inventice, you know, that's treated because

it's a symptom of these preventable you know, conditions. And this is all Remember when we talked about it wasatic not long ago. Ozempic is the you know, the Hollywood drugs people are using to lose weight. Now. It was started as a diabetes drug, and of course now it's like a you know, a miracle drug for weight loss

and all of that. But the day that it came out that they had just completed this came out like last week or so, because I was sending it to my brother and my dad and like harassing his doctors because ozempic has been found to actually help with kidney disease, chronic kidney disease, which makes sense because diabetes, you know, is tied to that. Anyway, the stocks of these dialysis companies started to go down. You know, the last thing they want is to secure huge business, huge business on

black and brown bodies. I wish I had done a little bit more research so I could share some stats on how like much more prevalent these diseases are in our communities. But I, yes, they are so and I think it's on us to understand what our risk factors are. Not let it doctor tell us, because your doctor may not share the back of the same background, but hopefully you know, it's great if they do. And I stopped

playing around. Glad that I stopped playing around with like I don't know doctor Roulette or just not doctor Roulette, but like I would be like, oh, I need a physical, let me go find a different doctor because I would move so much. I finally found a primary care this past spring, and I was like, you're my lady. I'm going to see you again because I need to be you know, I want to be committed in a committed

PCP relationship. Yeah, so it's yeah, just your reminder and tip get your mama, Graham girl, I know, like we talked about this last year.

you waited at forty five. He said no, because he said, I saw the research that said that black men should start getting tested at forty And I remember the prep the night before, drinking all that stuff and all the you know, so I just like, yeah, I y'all know my mom, well you might know where My mom is a nurse, and so she's been getting out of Are you getting your regular this? You know, like are you? Because and you're right, I have to like, you know, I have to like I'm I mean, I feel quote

unquote fine, but what does that even mean? So many things are silent, you know, like you know whether they're you know, pcos. Some people have you know, five boys, y'all know I had five boys. I didn't even know. There's so many things that if knowing ahead of time, you know, you can navigate. Even now lately, I'm like, I've had this really nasty cough for the last couple days. I'm like, please don't tell me I have COVID, But I took a test and said no.

And even now that's one of the questions. It's like I love doctor Green, and I'm like, well, if this is your specialty, if I'm no longer in this heightened traumatic state, what does that look like? You know, like in a year, do you do I find another therapy? I'm going to ask her, you know, like what, yeah, you know, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't want to let go of doctor Green, but I also want to be mindful that, like, you know, if it's

more maintenance, this is still appropriate. This because I don't ever really want to stop going to therapy truthfully, because I think it's just been so helpful. But I just want to make sure that, like I am always aligned with where I wanted to go. You know, even though these hard times are hard times, I'm just seeing this trend in people focusing inward, you know that I just see so many people who are just like I'm not

doing all that. I'm focusing on my family, the people I care about, my friends, like the work that moves me. So there is a shift happ Remember before this shift was toward like go go, go more more more work, work work, You know that we were in our everybody's in there, Gary Vee error, you know, but even Gary Vee I recently heard him on the podcast er Come Taught Me, and he was talking about slowing down and peace. I'm like, wow, even Gary Vee is tired. So if

you're tired, that is okay. We are all tired. It's okay to be tired. It is okay to say I don't want to do quite as much, and it's okay. Like, honestly, I am now reverse engineering where I'm looking at my life and saying, how much do I really need? Not from the excess, but from as little as possible to live this? And so that way, how do I what do I need to do to make just what I need?

You know, so I have more time for people, I have more time for rest, I have more time for peace, you know, like the Tiffany from ten years ago was like more and more and more that more is more, and now to me the more is different. Before it was like more money, more accolades, and now it's more time more. Like I had my sister sale with my

sisters this weekend. We do an annual sale. We do a closet sale, and we clean out our closets and then Lisa has a really cute apartment, a garden apartment in Jersey City that's right on the corner, and so we do like a sidewalk sale with all of our stuff, and.

judgment here because we have been there. But if you are in your laid back chill piece, the purpose of your finances is to fit to the life that you're wanting, and so don't be afraid to update the financial part of your life to fit to wherever you're wanting to

go or wherever you are. Now, Like you are allowed to update and change and say, I know, I said I wanted to make three hundred thousand blah blah blah, but one hundred and fifty is more than enough to do the things that I want, and so I could take a nap. You know how many.

a person. It's almost like I don't want to create a business that requires me to be at one hundred percent all the time, because the reality is like if I can get like a solid sixty five percent on it, I'm like today was good, you know, like I was sixty sixty five percent of my uh you know, my

cup being being filled is like pretty decent. And the days that were so last week was a week before that, yeah, the week of the twentieth whenever fincn was that was a week where I needed one hundred percent of myself and I knew it. I was like, it's going to be a tough week, but I felt good when I booked everything, and then you know, all the shit started happening with family and then my mental health and you know, just like the seasons and all that, and I was like, Okay,

we have to we have to break. We have to like break the image of the person I thought I was going to be for this week. Yeah, because the person I am can't do this. And I had to back out of fin Con. I was supposed to give a talk there. I had to cancel like several meetings that were like big ideas for you know, maybe next year kind of meanings and just like bring it back to the bare minimum. And it sucked. But I was also like do this or like what's it for his

for who to disappoint? To make me happy? Because no one else is asking me to do everything?

It's not really less. It's just like a reallocation of the energy because it's more for.

money already, if I'm being candid. But I knew that this was going to be a year well I might not be able to fully show up, and I didn't want to have to be like, of course I have plenty of savings whatever, but there's an anxiety for me to tap into emergency savings even though it's there. I wanted to say, I know the budget needs to would have to be closed down for me not to be able to afford my life because I don't have a mortgage on my current home and I don't have a

mortgage on them on the condo. But I did that intentionally to relieve rates though, girl, to relieve some of the stress of life. What you don't got to worry about, Tiffany, is you just have to make the bare minimum to make your you know, to afford your life. And so I wanted that peace of mind over more money in the long run. And to me, you know, it didn't hurt. I mean, certainly it's like, oh, you really could have made more. Maybe there's an extra six figure, I get it.

But I just was like, this is what I mean about adjusting your financial life to fit how you want your actual life to go. And so for me, you know, after talking with my financial vibes, I didn't make the decision lightly and she said, here's the difference. In the long run, either way, You're fine, you know, it's just a difference between a lot of money or a lot of a little bit more than a lot of money.

And I was like, I'll take less. I'll take less money in the long run for more peace in the short term.

raising you, your guardian, your mom, your dad, whoever. But then this book really specifically kind of dies into how this is potentially affecting your romantic life, whatever partnership looks like for you in your romantic life, and well, bigger than the romantic part, which we can get into a little bit, but the bigger than romantic part is that I'm really learning like about myself and how I show up, you know, and how I've been showing up, and I'm

just like, oh. And then also to your point, Mandy, I'm looking at like friends and family and I'm like, oh, that's what's happening. And I'm learning what is I mean, I'm only like halfway through, so certainly i'd love to have just like, like, I think it would just be great to just like talk about attachment in one episode because it's just been so helpful. Like, in general, I took like I took the quiz because you can take

an attachment quiz. In general, I show up in a secure attachment style, which means that you know, I'm not anxious, I'm not avoidant, that I'm like, I have healthy relationships in general with in romantic spaces, and well, this is like I want to say, one gerella is here in pat and beyond or prior and in like spaces with my family and loved ones whatever. But since I've started to date, I said, let me see what my attachment

style is specifically now in dating. It is anxious. And I was just like, wow, that really kind of blew me away that like, okay, in general, Tiffany, you are secure, but now that this new part of your life that you have not had to do in over ten years is here, I'm showing up with an anxious attachment. At first I thought maybe it was avoidant, but that the way you know you are avoided or not is like do you crave intimacy or not? Do you want closeness

and intimacy? If you don't want closeness and intimacy, you're likely and avoided if you do want closeness and intimacy, then you're either secure or anxious, you know, like and then you just have to see which how the rabbit hole goes. So I do want closeness and intimacy now because I miss companionship. But I am navigating from a place of fear. You know. There's fear of like what if it goes when something happens to this person. There's all this anxiety that's being brought up that was not

here before when Jarrell was here. And I just like there was a component. Actually I called you. I don't even know if we talked about this last My memory goes I called you because I read this component where I was crying. There was a study in the book that's called the Strange Thing Study or something to that effect, where basically a baby is in the room with their mom and a researcher. Mom holds baby, enters into the room all these amazing baby toys, all the colors. You know.

The babies love the toys and lights them, and so mom puts the baby down on the ground. Baby crawls over to play with the toys, but glancing occasionally back. Mom's still here playing with the toys. Enjoying myself, exploring, glances back Mom is still here exploring. Then mom slips out, you know, when the baby's busy playing. Baby looks to make sure Mom's still here. She's not here. Baby looses his shit, crawls over to the door, bangs on the door,

where's my mama? Basically but you know, maybe can't speak. The researcher tries to re engage the baby, like these toys are still here, though, babies like get out my face, literally throws toy and researchers face like you thought. And finally mom comes back. Baby you know, continues to cry, is consoled. Once they feel better, they're like, put me down because me and these toys about to play again. But say, here's this, and so what mom represents in

that study was something called a secure base. This is what the book was saying. And they find found that when children have a secure base, those children explore and experience the world from a place of like I can do anything. I can navigate. I can because my base secure and I'm not going to try to cry. But I realize that one of the reasons, Remember I was like, maybe I don't even know if I want to do but any stay anymore, I don't know if I want

to do anything. I didn't realize how much of a secure base that for me, Like yo, I mean, I knew I had like this awesome husband, but I didn't realize like how much, because I find myself to be like hyper independent, you know, Like that's what I told myself because I grew up hyper independent. The household that I grew up in, it was like you could do it.

You know, you've got it. My dad was very much girl power, and so I underestimated how much security I got from having him in my life because literally the year I moved in with Jiarel in the Halfway Hood, I went from six figures to seven figures in business because for the first time, I did not have to be my own foundation, you know, that I had this space, Like it's not like we didn't have any money or anything like that, but I had this secure place to

be like I'll never hit the ground because he's there covering it, you know. And I just was like, wow, no wonder I felt so secure because I grew up in a household which was a little bit emotionally chaotic, if I'm being honest and Jirelle came into my life and provided so much safety and security that my attachment

style shifted toward secure and across the board. It helped us shift me And now that he's not here, I feel a little bit lost, you know, not even a little bit, a lot of it lost, And I don't want to explore the world. The world seems so scary, you know, like, and I don't necessarily want partnership anytime soon, but I certainly miss companionship because being by yourself all

the time is really lonely. And so that's why dating now brings up so much anxiety, you know for me, Like there's one person in particular that I've been hanging out with more than anybody else. He listens now, which I'm like, great, hey.

to chapter four and one. I love the fact that he said that he was more than open to doing so, and so because he's a big reader anyway, So we've been reading the book together and really like navigating chapter by chapter and discussing what we're thinking and feeling, and it's just been really an amazing experience. So yeah, I still want partnership. That's what him because he'd be asking. But that's fair.

And I feel like this book. So many people commented who said, my therapist recommended this book after my divorse, and I feel like it could prevent a lot of divorces, you know, whether by preventing people from marrying people who are the wrong style for them, or helping you get the tools to you know, strengthen your your relationship in spite of you know, some differences that you have. It's

just been, you know, really eye opening. And it's it's the first book I've read in a very long time that I feel like I know myself better having read it. And it's not only these books where it's like do these things to achieve this goal. This is this is sort of like understand the these things so that you

can know yourself better. Yes, And it just it created like in the storm of the past month, it really gave me like a sense of calm and acceptance for at a great time because I never have needed so much support then, I you know, maybe I have in the past, but like I needed a lot of support, and I know how to ask my person specifically what I need now, and I know why I'm asking, and I know and he understands because he's reading the book too, why I need what I need and what happens if

I don't get it?

and still is a love of life. And I remember him asking me distinctly, like do you think that you could love again? And at first I thought, I don't know, and then I thought about the way parents love children. So I know when Rio first came, you were like, girl, ain't no love greater than this love. Everybody could go this is my boo, this is like. But what Rio, I assume really did was opened up a different level of capacity in your heart because now you have, you know,

this new baby, what's your new baby name? Kind of kept like my mind is like doing a BA right now? Remy? I know, right, So now you have Remy. So it would be crazy to be like, well, I have Rio child, I can't there's no space for another baby for me to love another baby. That's not what Rio did. That Rio helped to expand the capacity of your heart that you can love Remy, and if you were to have another baby, you would be able to love that baby

just as much. And I think that that's the way really good partnered romantic love can do for you too. That like, it's not that the buck stops with Darrell, which is what I thought at first when he first passed away for the first like year year and a half, right, that is because of the kind of love I had with Darell. It expanded my heart's capacity that I do believe that I can love again, you know, because it's like your heart can expand as much as the good

love that you have poured into it. So I do believe that I just like, in this space and time, doctor Green has been awesome because I told her, I said, is there a reason why I'm just not wanting partnership? I mean, obviously I know because I missed Jarell. But bigger than that, she said, Tiffany, it sounds like to me that you recognize that partnership takes a lot of She said, I don't like the word work because work sounds like a negative connotation. That partnership takes a lot

of investment. And right now, you are investing in yourself, you know, because I'm still trying to find my footing, and so I recognize I actually don't have the excess investment to pour into someone else because I'm still trying to get myself so it's not a judgment on you know, whether someone's enough or not, or good or bad. It's like not at all. It's literally a Tiffany choice that I'm like, I am reserving all of my resources to invest in myself until I can feel stable again and

be open to partnership. Although I am open to companionship, you know, but like not necessarily partnership right now. Like I'm not trying to be nobody's you know, girl, woman, like you know, wife, I can't even imagine, but you know,

maybe one day, you know. So, but the attachment attached that book has really been so helpful for me to see myself as I'm navigating, and so I can just be kinder but then also to kinder to whomever I'm dating, and also to navigate towards back to I want to get back to the secured attachment style that I've enjoyed for so long. You know.

don't like the way avoidant besties make me feel. It's horrible, it's awful, and it's not okay for me as an anxious avoidant, I'm always like, oh, I'm the problem. When they get too close to me, they realize that I'm horrible and they don't want to and like. But but they're reacting not because of me, because of anyway. So find you a secure or bestie. And I was actually talking to a brand Ambition former guest for Shikha Tolshian

who wrote Inclusion on Purpose. I think I had her when you were actually on when you were it was after Darrell passed. But anyhow, Rashika was asking me about she's writing an amazing book called Uncompete, Sidebar, Sidebar. I have to have her on to talk about. It's basically about how there's so much more to gain by not competing with one another as women. But she asked me for an example of anyway, and I was like yes,

I have a secure friendship in Tiffany. She's secure and I don't have to worry about I don't have to like watch what I say. I can just be myself and it's a beautiful thing. It really is.

I wasn't. I wouldn't be back, you know. I literally came back because of my friendship with Mandy, and I enjoy having this time, so as I forget that, like you know, we're taping because I'm like I said that, damn, you know, I was just talking to Mandy, you know, like literally I came back for you. I came back because I enjoyed this time. I came back because you know, like you're my friend and I love you and I want to continue to do this for as long as

we want to do it. And so yeah, no, so yes, Thankfully that part of myself is still secured, like my I still navigate from secure attachment and friendships. It's just this this new space you know that I'm like navigating. But who.

mailing list. I want to subscribe to every version of this trailer. It's got Fantasia, it's got to Raji p Henson, it's got so much heart, and the trailer is up. I'm gonna post we can post a link in the show notes so that you see it. But the music like Taragi's playing Oh I can't shug Avery in the in the in the movie, and I think Fantasia is still playing Seay and then Danielle Brooks is playing Oprah.