BBR #186: Learning Resilience through Letting Go

I'm your host , jpb , and this is episode number 186 . Today's episode is inspired by current events in my own life and is all about acceptance . I am getting older , as are the rest of us , and things are happening to my body that I don't love . My knee hurts I injured it a little bit ago doing some lifting the other day .

My hip hurts , which I injured sprinting a few months ago when I wasn't strong enough to be doing that yet , and I have not been sleeping very well . I don't know if I'm going into perimenopause or what is happening , but I just wake up so sweaty and I cannot sleep . Also , my eyes are really dry and they hurt in the morning because of that .

I did have LASIK almost 15 years ago and something has been popping back into my brain like that . I remember them saying something about dry eyes later on , maybe in my 40s , and , as young people do . I disregarded that entirely and thought that was a problem I'd deal with when that time came , which was so far from then . But that time was a blip .

It's here now and I'm dealing with it , and so all of these things are happening , and I wish that they were not . And they are not , and they are .

So I started thinking about acceptance this morning , which is something that I come back to constantly , because acceptance is a huge part of the work we do in building a better relationship with stress and anxiety . Accepting that the past cannot be changed , no matter how much energy we spend worrying about it or regretting it .

Accepting that , as well , the future does not yet exist , no matter how much energy we spend worrying about it . And a bit of a bonus when we learn that it is the actions that we actually take now that create our future , instead of the worry that we try to fix it with . Overall , just accepting what we can and cannot control .

Accepting that we cannot control or change others or the world around us . We can only control the thoughts and beliefs .

We choose to give our energy to the actions we choose to take , the actions we choose not to take , which is also just an action , and the things we choose to watch , read , listen to our diet , the things we consume , diet the things we consume and people we choose to spend our time and energy with .

Acceptance of what we do and do not have control over alleviates so much stress and anxiety . When we are able to generate an acceptance of ourselves and our experiences , we are less likely to need to avoid or escape . We are less likely to need judgment , shame , stress and anxiety to cope with the things that we refuse to accept .

So let's talk a little bit about what acceptance is and how to do it . Acceptance , my friends , is the idea that we cannot avoid unpleasant , hard , painful situations in life , but the extent to which we suffer is directly tied to our attachment to the pain and discomfort .

And this has its base in Buddhism and then , later on , carl Rogers and his acceptance theory that acceptance is the first step towards change . You can't change something you refuse to acknowledge . You cannot change something you refuse to accept exactly as it is , because what you wish it was or was not isn't real .

You're just spending your time and energy pretending it can be different , and nothing can be different in this moment , because it is exactly what it is . You can , however , choose to take actions that will change how the future unfolds , identifying reality and not focusing entirely on your emotional reaction to that reality .

Spending our time resisting what is does not allow us to problem solve what currently exists . And acceptance does not mean that we love it . It means that we recognize and acknowledge thoughts , emotions , experiences , without judgments or trying to make them something they're not trying to change them into what we wish it was .

Acceptance doesn't just happen like oh , now I'm able to accept , I embrace acceptance . I think that's an idea that sounds great . Like we're all just going to meditate our way into acceptance . Meditation is great . It does a lot of things .

It was definitely not anything bad about meditation , but acceptance is a skill , like most things are , and it takes intention and practice . Resistance and then recognizing the resistance and then practicing acceptance is how we get there . So you have to first be aware that you are resisting a thing .

So when you find yourself wishing something were a different way , not wanting to feel a certain way , being upset or judging an emotion , a reaction or situation , these are all signs that you can pause to consider resistance . When you find yourself thinking things like I can't deal with this . This isn't fair . It shouldn't feel like this .

Why is this happening to me ? It should be different . I should be doing , I shouldn't be doing . Should is a huge indicator word . These are signals of resistance when you find yourself blaming yourself for everything bad that has happened in your life or is happening , wishing that things were different , but you feel powerless .

When you're angry just about everything that has happened in the past that is happening around you now . List . When you're angry just about everything that has happened in the past that is happening around you now . And let me be clear anger is absolutely not the problem .

It is an appropriate response to so much that has happened , that is happening and that likely will happen in the future . Anger is not the issue . It is being stuck in the anger , holding onto the anger because you wish it were different . Again , acceptance does not mean that you approve of something , that you like it , that you love it .

It just means you're acknowledging that it exists .

So when you find yourself constantly nagging your spouse , hoping that they will change , upset by the choices that others make , ruminating on that fight , the thing your boss said , the shitty coworker that you wish was not a condescending , disrespectful , like generally unpleasant person wishing that they were someone entirely different than exactly what they are and that

last one is definitely not a direct example for my own resistance . These are signs of resistance to what actually exists , and these are things that bring you much unnecessary suffering .

We can't change a situation , but what we can change is how we respond to it and what we choose to do next , moving away from the helplessness feeling of like this this shitty thing happened , I can't do anything about it . Now I'm going to be mad about it and just wish it were different .

We have choices , and one of those choices is to accept what exists and then look at how we can respond , how we can move towards something that we want more , or how we can move towards processing the emotions , how we can move towards the thing that is more useful and usable to us .

In those moments when we choose to accept something as it is , we can free up the energy being spent on resisting and pushing against , wishing it were different , being mad about it being exactly what it is , and then move towards caring for ourselves , giving ourselves what we need which is why we're having the resistance in the first place , because a need is not

being met . Curiosity , then , is the key to acceptance when you know yourself and what makes you tick , like how you work on a biological , physiological level , and getting curious about the experiences you've had and that have shaped your perspective and the emotions you hold as a result , your reactions .

Once we have explored all of those things , we can have a better understanding of what is and is not within our control , what is just a part of being a person like having emotions of all kinds , like experiencing stress and anxiety and depression , and what causes those things , because it is not that there's something wrong with you or your brain or that this is

something happening to you . Those are all natural responses to environment . We talk about that in other episodes .

So once we get curious about what makes us function the way that we do and the responses that are appropriate there , we can move that understanding out into the world around us , the people around us , and understand that what other people do also has nothing to do with us . What they think , how they judge , how they react , isn't actually about us at all .

It's about their perspective and the thoughts , emotions and experiences they have and have had . Knowing this , we can put aside the judgments and criticism from others , because we know it's not about us , it's about them . It doesn't matter .

That is so much easier to say than it is to do , but it is a constant reminder for me to mind my business and pay attention to the things that I can control , which is my focus , my attention and what I choose to do .

And when you have a strong foundation of trust in yourself and your values and you're more likely to consider your own acceptance and approval over that of others , then those things just matter less . So how do we start practicing acceptance and how to even recognize the resistance that pops up ? We have to pay attention to ourselves .

This is something that this is . This is a theme that keeps circling around in life , in all of my discussions of stress and anxiety and how to self-regulate and how to recognize all of these things , what we do and don't have control over . Pay attention to yourself . I think this is I know that this is fundamental to so much I want to say problem solving .

That's not right , but the issues that we have stem from not paying attention to ourselves , and it is the last step . I feel like we try everything outside of that . Pay attention to yourself .

Step one pay attention to what triggers those feelings of resistance , and something that I use in all kinds of situations is to remind yourself that you are right there in that space . Not that you love it , but I am right here . It gives you the power to move forward with intention . I am right here . So what do I choose now ? What is my next step ?

Remind yourself of what is within your control , your attention and your actions , the choices that you make in that moment . Know that you don't have to understand everything . We are always trying to intellectualize our emotions and have a reason for everything . You don't really need to know why to be able to recognize that this is what exists in this moment .

I don't need to know why it is , I just need to know that it is and recognize okay , this exists . I don't need to figure it out . I can just notice and recognize how the resistance feels . What are the sensations that it brings with it ? Is there tightness or tension or pain , restriction , changes in how I'm breathing ?

Again , just like noticing and accepting that these things exist and then just letting them be , without trying to control them or change them . The thing about control is that the more we try , the less we feel any sense of it . Acceptance is also not a tool to , or an excuse to not have to do anything .

In situations where action is needed , acceptance is so you can choose how to move forward . Okay , this is happening , so now what am I going to do about it ?

Examples where acceptance is not appropriate are things like if you're in an abusive relationship , if you're being harassed , if you're being taken advantage of , if you're experiencing burnout with your current situation or intentionally just not taking action out of fear . Acceptance is not an appropriate response to those things . We have things .

We have a couple of different types of acceptance . There's active acceptance , which is an adaptive , coping response to unchangeable situations . Okay , this thing exists , I can't control it , so what am I doing now ? Whereas resigning acceptance is taking on more of a helpless outlook .

This is just how it is and how it's going to be , so I might as well not even try . Instead of resisting what already is the emotion , the situation , the whatever Use your focus and energy where it can actually be useful . I'm sure that maybe I'm making an assumption .

Maybe you've heard the expression what you resist persists , and that just means the more you try and control the world around you , the more you spin out and feel anxious , stressed , overwhelmed and defeated , because you cannot control anything outside of your own actions , where you choose to place your attention and focus and what you decide to do with that .

When you are constantly trying to fight against yourself , there is an incredible amount of stress and anxiety created from the tension and conflict within you . Strong anxiety and panic come from the fear of those feelings , trying to control the sensations that arise within the stress and overwhelm , the feeling of being out of control .

So then we squeeze tighter and try and control the way our physiology responds , trying to outthink an evolutionary process , an automatic , automatic process within our body . And thoughts are not actually needed . There's nothing to figure out , just notice , get curious , ask yourself questions . What does this feel like ?

Name it , not like I feel like shit and I'm dying , but my throat is tight , my heart is racing , I feel fear . Just naming what exists is a huge part of acceptance and recognition , not that you love it , but that it is what is right now .

So you can then pause , use your nervous system regulation tools and get into a space where you can access your rational thinking , your problem solving and then take action . Acceptance has actually been shown to produce downregulation of negative emotion and activation of the stress response , as well as an elevation in activation of regulatory brain networks .

So it's not just a nice thought . It's not a nice idea . It is a practice that affects your physiology and will change how you experience life . That , uh , basically , it is what it is , and so what is your next step ? That's , that's it . That's all I've got for you today . I hope that this was helpful .

If you enjoyed this episode , please do share it with a friend so they might also find some use in it . I wish you a beautiful day , a beautiful week ahead , and we'll do this again next week . I always love hearing from you . If you have ideas , suggestions , reactions to today's episode or any of the others , please let's connect . I do .

I love hearing from y'all . When you get ahold of me mostly on Instagram , I think , is where most of you decide to reach out , which is a good place I'm always there and you can excuse me , message , message me . Let me know what's going on with you , because this podcast is me just talking into a microphone in my home office by myself .

So I always love the connection . Anyways , wrapping this up , I will see you soon , talk to you soon , hear from you soon . We'll do this again soon , peace .