Heal Your Relationships with Sasha Quince

up required, just press play and enjoy. By subscribing, you'll be the first to know when new episodes drop and help the show reach more listeners, meaning we can bring on the guests that you want to hear from. New episodes drop three times a month, the sixth, sixteenth, and the twenty sixth, so mark your calendars. My guest today is Sasha Quint's, a relationship coach who integrates deep emotional work with proven methodologies to help people heal and transform

their relationships. You can reach her on Instagram at Sasha Quint's Love Coach. How's it going?

the pain wasn't so bad. And as I went through that, yoga became my life for a decade, and I thought that's what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I didn't think anything would change. I worked with many people I supported them through their journey of both physical pain, you know, also mental you know pain as well that comes up and how when we

can't handle our mind and you know, it's spiraling. So I went through that whole journey and then I felt like I hit a second rock bottom in twenty seventeen. So I had been in my relationship already for ten years with my partner two boys. They were quite young at the time, and I could just see my relationship like going downhill, literally like sinking, and I felt like I could do nothing to save it. I just felt like I was going to lose everything that I had.

And it was so crazy because it was actually self sabotage. I was self sabotaging my own relationship, but I was on a sinking ship that I could not save, and I had no idea how to save it. So when I look back, I kind of wish I had someone like what I've become for people at that time when I was really struggling, and I didn't know I was going to become that at that time. And the first

step into love coaching was actually inner child healing. So that's where I began my journey through healing my own inner child that was still struggling from loss and trauma and abandonment. And as I did that, I was able to actually heal my marriage and we've been together now

seventeen years. Boys are a lot older. And then I was inspired to become a love and relationship coach so that I could support other women that are struggling with toxic relationships, with self sabotage and in that space where they feel everything sinking and they don't know how to get back out.

self sabotaging behaviors. So I get other coaches that they're like, self sabotage coach, What what's that? What that dude, I'm like, you don't know.

not be. And now that I'm in a space where I am in healthy love, which I wasn't ten years ago. I can say that it is interdependence where you can be with each other, but you can also be without each other. It is a relationship where you can communicate your needs and your feelings, where you can be able to each other, but also respect when that person's viewpoint of something is not your viewpoint, to be able to meet them halfway, to know that we're not here to

fix each other. We're here as to just see each other through. Like you are going to trigger me in a nasty way, and I'm going to trigger you in a nasty way. But if we are willing to see each other there and grow together, that is what healthy love is, right, Like, It's not about getting rid of all your triggers and your challenges that come in the relationship. It's that, Okay, this is a hard thing for you and that's a hard thing for me, and we're going

to work together. Like I think it's Mary and Willmanson who says that. Imagine you see, like you know a person and they're having a hard time and they're your partner, and you literally just like are like you're disgusting for that and you push them away because they're having a

right time. And I think healthy love is being able to see that person having a hard time and see them through it and be there, but at the same time also protect your space, have your boundaries, and be able to make sure that you are taking care of you, because if you take care of you, the rest will take care be taken care of. But the minute you stop taking care of you, that's when the relationship begins to feel resentful and burnout and gets overwhelmed.

person happy. Another one is that when we go through conflict, we engage in self sabotaging behaviors like withdraw, like blame, shame game, and we go through our nervous system responses. Right, so if we're fight, we're going to like, you know, get very reactive, which was my self sabotaging pattern. Or for my partner, it was like he would withdraw from

me and not talk for days. Or also he would fawn and he would try to please in the conversation and then that wouldn't really be what he wanted, so he would hold on to the resentment. So we move from these nervous system patterns that are innately who we are as humans, and we all have them, but we don't actually grow out of them, Like we don't understand each other's patterns. We don't take the time to understand each other's patterns.

we're already dysregulated. We keep trying to go, go, go and find a solution. But so your prefount of cortex is already switched off at that point, right, you're you know, like the one that cut your brain, that comes up with consequences and can handle problems. So if you're so disregulated,

why are we still communicating about this? And so for from someone like me who had, you know, is recovering abandonment wound, if my partner were to, you know, say I don't want to talk right now, like in the abandonment wound recovery, it would be like, oh my gosh, he hates me. It's pushing me away, this is going to end. This is the end of our relationship. It's done. And then everyone has a different wound that they're coming from.

So you have to understand what your wounds are and understand what is important for your unique relationship and when to walk away and what to be telling yourself when you walk away.

specific with what you need. And I find for like men, they are a lot more specific, and for women we sort of just meandered. Our brain works different and we go around, you know, the bend and around the garden, and we think that our partner should know, but like, just stop believing he knows. He doesn't be as specific as you can, state your feeling, state your need. And if you notice that you're communicating from blame, which I that was my one of my toxic patterns. Blame was

a big thing, you're already justsregulated. Like the only thing you need to do is get out of that situation, because anything in that situation is going to become very nasty and actually create more distance between you two as well.

So I love, I feel, I need I also like one that I'm going to use tonight because I have a Monday night catch up with my partner, or every Monday, regardless of how tired we are, what's been going, god, how late it is, we catch up, we decide what's working well on what we need support on that week. And I've listed a few things that I need to discuss with him, and one of them is going to be in an ideal world, this is what's supporting me, Like this would look like this week in an ideal world.

So this is my ideal world. And then he gets to say what his ideal world is and we can hopefully through that find some compromise and some support through the way.

how we fell, who said well, who did well. And I think a lot of that's what's missing from society today in general, because everyone is so reactive, right, and I think a lot of that comes down to not knowing what self respect means, because you can't give someone what you don't have, and then also knowing that disagreements are normal and that people are going to have differences,

and that differences should actually make you stronger rather than weaker. Right, absolutely, Yeah, So what would your advice be for handling conflict in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than creating more issues and more distance.

very toxic for your relationship. So what I love and when it comes to conflict is always have the most generous interpretation of your partner. I call it MGI always have the most generous interpretation. Right, So you don't know what their day was like, you don't know what's going on, you don't know what childhood trauma you've just clicked on

or touched in that moment. So if you can be have the most generous interpretation versus the least generous, and you can even like ask yourself, what is my least

generous interpretation of this person right now? Like, for example, my partner was just late coming home and he knew that I had this, you know, espessionally, it's like this podcast agree with you, And the most generous interpretation is that, you know, he was just late, like he's having a hard time, he's doing his best, he's trying to get here. The least generous interpretation would have been, how could you do this? What?

wrong with it. Now, if you didn't see people you grew up with having conflict that got repaired, or like having conflict in getting through it and being okay and still you know, surviving as a couple, you're not going to think it's normal if you're if you were in conflict, if you didn't see it wrong. So it's important to understand that just because you didn't see it doesn't mean it's not normal. And we have to normalize conflict because two people are not going to get along all the time.

Just like when you're growing up with your siblings. It's not like you got along all the time. You fought and then you made up. That was part of, you know,

the reality of life. And another thing I love with conflict that I use with my partner and my boys all the time is the concept of repair, which you may have heard of, right, So, no matter what happens at the end of the day, as you come out of that, you have this opportunity to work pair and that goes like I did X or I said why that may have made you feel sad or angry or disappointed, whatever you thought, it made them feel that was not okay, and I would like to do something to make it up.

And you don't always have to make it up, but that's generally like the rhythm of the repair. So repair is a great way to come back to each other and reconnect after conflict has brought disconnection to the relationship, and conflict is just part of being human. Like I don't think how like how fun would it be if you're always in a relationship where everything was always okay

and butterflies and rainbows, Like, it's so unrealistic. We're people at the end of the day, and you're going to hit on your trigger points as a couple, Like it's just normal. You're going to be tired one day, you're going to be hungry, You're going to disagree. You know, you might not have the same values or viewpoints on certain things, and we're always going to fight for our values. Right when it comes to our values, we're going to go straight for them. So it's being opened to the

fact that different viewpoints. You can see, you know, you can see a trip that we're taking to. Let's now I'm going to tailand recently soon, so the trips that we're doing in Taialent, you could prioritize, you know, resting more, and I want to prioritize sight seeing. And that's what you value in that moment, that's what I value. And we can respect each other's values for suspiding about them and then find about.

this experience. This is what I do with a lot of my clients in the dating world, is we look at what their intention is to even be on the app. And what I've noticed is some of them just want to intend to communicate stronger because it didn't you know, That's something that they're working on. Some of them want to intend to set more boundaries. Others want to, you know, just be open to meeting different people and being open to love coming in different ways. And those are great intentions.

But when you go into it to be like I need to meet my person before July twenty twenty five and that's the only reason I'm here, you are doomed to fail. It's not going to work because whatever intention you put into it is going to you know, be sent back to you, right. Like it's like the law of I think it's the law of mirrors, right where whatever is you're reflecting here, you kind of then get

it reflected back at you. So if you're reflecting urgency and you know, I'm this age and I need to meet somebody and this person has to have this much money and they have to be doing this job, and you're putting everything into a box, you're like, you're setting yourself up for suffering. So that would be a huge tip. Is that checking your intention? Why are you on that app?

Why are you swiping? You know, be present, be like, take a minute to check in with yourself and don't just open the app and swipe like and not have any you know, actual awareness to what you're doing. Absurd way to meet people. I love them for that, you know, like I think that it's I've seen so many thirty three percent of marriages come from apps that people meeting on dating apps. It's a good percentage of people. I know people that have met on apps that have had

successful relationships and have successful marriages. So it's not that that's not a great way to meet somebody. But also be open to dating in person too. Don't rely on the app to do everything for you. So be open to meeting people and telling people that you want to meet somebody. I'd love to be introduced. You know, like a lot of us have a lot of shame about that that I can't say that I want to be introduced, and you know, it doesn't look good if I'm vocal

about it. But why why doesn't it look good if it is where you are, own where you are, and show up from.

someone's going to cheat on you. You're likely going to attract a partner that's going to cheat on So you're always a mirror. And if you see this happening repetitive, you notice that you're attracting similar types of people. You need to check that in yourself. Be willing to look inside you and figure out what energy is happening here, what healing needs to be done that you haven't done that

is getting you in the same boat, same situation. You know, person after persons, Why after swipe, because then that's a you problem. I hate to say that, but it is.

up that nobody could get past that. So I kept meeting partners who either didn't live here or were just not willing to commit. And the moment that I got real with myself and I said, well, what's coming up for you? And I remember I was standing on my balcony. It was November, beautiful weather out here, looking out all the lights in Dubai, and I said, what's going on here? And I said, you're afraid to get hurt because you've been hurt before. So admitting that was a huge thing.

I actually think that eighty percent of us dating are afraid to get hurt. I mean it makes sense even a relationship, you could have that fear, right, But if you don't admit what your fear is, whatever it is, you will continue to meet people who actually perpetuate that fear. And so I noticed that, and within a month of noticing that, I actually met my life. It's like all I had to do is be aware of it. That's it. And the minute I was aware of it, the energy

shifted for me. So stop pretending that you're not afraid to get hurt, Stop pretending that you're going with the flow, Stop pretending that you don't need a man, Stop pretending that you're independent, and what would a man bring to my life? All of this is very much clouting you ever getting into a healthy relationship.

that they can control, manipulate, et cetera, et cetera. So that takes us into the territory of red flags and green flags. Right, So, what are some subtle but important red flags that people should watch out for early in

a relationship, whether you met them organically or online. And then you can also give me some green flags because I'm saying this because when people come to me for relationship help and they can't find a partner, I usually tell them write a long list, right, like sixty things for starters of values and things that you're looking for any other person, and make sure that you are that first. Otherwise you're just attracting garbage and you don't know why you're attracting garbage. Right.

subtle one. We're especially for the apps where you're constantly chatting, but the person doesn't take initiative or doesn't respond to your initiative to meet up, to actually meet in person, or even to have a phone call like not a text, not a WhatsApp, but an actual phone call, like old school style, you know, in the day. So that would be important too, Like are you guys just chatting for

a month? Is that what's happening here? Or is there some sort of you know, movement forward, because if there's no movement forward, this is likely a sinking ship anywhay. And so they, you know, are they making the effort? Are you making the effort? Of course, you know, checking in with the right questions that I find a lot of people will say, oh, well, are you looking for a relationship? And people will say, yes, I am, But

then that doesn't always mean it's true. So I think that question doesn't hold as much as it used to hold, you know, maybe back even before ask so I would get serious and ask them like, well, what did you learn about If you're already at that stage of talking and you've been talking a while, what did you learn from your last relationship? What did you learn about yourself, about your partner, about what kind of partner you are, right,

what is the challenge that you've been through that you overcame? Like, are they willing to get vulnerable with you? Are they willing to share a part of their story or part of their life? And you will always see if someone is willing to share it or if we're going to just you know, dodge that question and go it right

somewhere else. Additionally, what I love to say to women is, and this really helps you when it comes to the possibility attracting a narcissist, is if you notice that somebody is being a little pushy, or they say something that doesn't feel good for you, or they make reference to wanting to see a picture of you or sexual references or whatever it is, set a boundary. You do not need to please this person you just met a minute ago or five days ago. Set a boundary, and if

they respect your boundary, that's a green flag. But if they don't, that's a And that's how you can avoid dating a narcissism, because a narciss will unlikely ever you're Another concept that comes up is someone who comes on too strong, so that can be a bit of a red flag as well, Like making plans to go on a trip, hasn't known you that long. They call it love bombing, right, or like you know, sending you numerous gifts,

or just like calling you fifty times a day. I mean maybe not fifty, but even five times a day. That is a red flag, right, Somebody who's like racing down the pace and giving you everything you want to hear and telling you everything that is like a dream. It's likely a dream, it's not the reality. So I hope that's helpful.

Do they make excuses like I was so busy or you know, I had so much going on. I personally, I think if you like somebody, you show up. You don't have excuses. You can have a busy day, of course, but you show up. You don't take five six days where you don't talk to the person and then you've probably heard like you know, do the words meet the actions? If they say that they'd like to go on a date, or have they asked? Have they planned to something? Is

something occurring? And for women, I you know, I find that women and I think it's important to stay in your feminine energy. But I also believe that if you want to take an approach of like asking someone to do something like, don't be scared if intuitively, if it's coming up for you, if you find intuitively that you want to be like, Okay, I'm free on Friday or

I'm free this weekend, let's hang out. That's okay for you to take that first step, as long as they meet you on the other side, and it's not always you taking that step.

for what intimacy means to you. The intimacy can come up physically, it can come up emotionally, mentally, whatever it is. But if you feel that you need intimacy to you, is a quality conversation like the one you were saying that you have with your wife before your partner, before bed, right, that's a quality conversation that you have together that is intimacy. And if that matters to you, then make sure you're doing it. Make sure you guys are committed to For us,

it's just Monday nights. For you guys, it's every night. Right, Make sure you stay committed and consistent with one thing in your relationship and try to do something together, like whether it's you know, I don't know, going to a bookstore, reading the same book or whatever it is, like, try to have something in common that keeps the relationship having in you know, new things to talk about.

you want to pretend you're okay. I will circle back to what I said in the beginning, you are better off saying what you feel versus avoiding your feeling, Like, don't pretend you're fine when you're hurting, even in your relationship, right, And I've done this so much so I'm someone who can tell you how many times I pretended I was fine, which was self sabotage, versus actually admitting that I was disappointed,

I was hurt. And when you go into that, you know, it's not like you're looking for someone to fix the situation, but you just You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to say what you feel without getting a solution to the problem, and it's important to advocate that. Another thing I would say is that when we go into a relationship, we look for our partners to meet all of our

emotional needs. So we have four psychological emotional needs, the need for connection, the need for acknowledgment, the need for sovereignty, and the need for pleasure. Your partner cannot meet all of your needs if you do not meet your own, that will never happen. And so we go into relationship believing that our partner has to be the one to give us all of that, and it is going to leave you very disappointed, because no human can give you

all of that and also take care of themselves. So what I like to remind people in new relationships and relationships that are ongoing is that you've got to learn to meet your own needs. Meet your own needs for connection. What are you doing to connect with yourself? Daid? How are you checking it for yourself? What are you acknowledging

about yourself? Like if I'm waiting for my partner to tell me he's proud about something I did, I liked it a lot with the kids that day, and I just want him to say, well, maybe did such a good job. Why am I not telling myself that? Why am I not acknowledged acknowledging myself for how what a great effort I put in taking care of for this today? So acknowledge yourself. Do not wait for your partner to

only do it now. This doesn't mean your partner doesn't do it, but it's sort of like you got to fill your cop up before you can you know, expect

anything from anyone else. And if you go to your partner with your cup completely empty, you even if he fills it up or she fills it up, it's never going to feel enough because you're going there empty, it's always going to feel like you need more, right and so a need for meeting acknowledgment is to say what you're proud of about yourself, what you appreciate about yourself, Acknowledge if you're having a hard day. A lot of us just judge ourselves for having a hard day and

we try to dismiss it. If you're having a hard day. I'm having a hard day. This feels really tough. I don't know what's going on, but I'm struggling to It's okay to struggle. I'm allowed to struggle today. I don't have to change it. Just meet yourself where you're at. Allow whatever is existing to exist, because when you do,

it actually simmers. It doesn't escalate. If you distract and you push it away, it comes forward and it keeps knocking on the door, like you know, a very eager child who wants to get candy and Halloween or something like that. So we can't, you know, we think that our partner needs to meet these needs, and I'm not saying that they don't, but we first have to be the one to meet them. Like tomorrow, I know I need to meet the need for a sovereign day. So

what I've done is I've set a boundary. I've told my partner that I'm not able to pick up the kids tomorrow from school. I'm leaving at twelve after I finish work. I'm going to my favorite place, the beach, and I'm going to go swimming, and I'm going to

be back at nine at night. I don't know what I'm going to do between twelve and nine, but I'm going to have a day or half a day that I meet my need for sovereignty, and I'm going to feel free, and I'm going to have no like restriction on, you know, having to do this for this person or that. And he totally respects that, and he's meeting me halfway and he's going to take on the responsibilities of the rest of the day. I'm going to enjoy myself, and

I think I'm going to come back. I know I'm going to come back so much more available for all all the men in my life, my partner and my little men as well, because I did that so to meet your need. No one's going to do that for you. Nobody is going to do that for you. Nobody's going to save you from them. And the last one is pleasure. So how do you pleasure yourself? Right? So do you like If you like a coffee, that could be a nice pleasure, a nice tea, or maybe you I love

a walk. A walk is always pleasurable for me, being in nature, listening to the birds, being by the trees, a swim. So, however pleasure looks like in your life, it could be listening to some you know, very soothing classical music as you do a puzzle. I mean, whatever it is, right, meet that need for yourself, don't wait for your partner to meet it. I know I've gone on about the same thing, but it's so important.

tackle the day together. Because, like you've said, you still have your own journeys and things that you may need to do stuff on your own, and if you are co dependent on a person, that can lead to trouble as well.

savior and the fixture. So you have to watch these behaviors in yourself, and the more that you can become aware of your behaviors, like, the less you're going to

engage in. It's a practice, right, it's practice to be like, oh, I'm victimizing right there, or I am trying to fix the situation, or I am making my poor me mentality, or I'm taking on someone's emotions, like you have to be aware of where you are coming from your wound and where you're like participating, perpetuating and making your life harder, like you're creating your own suffering.

try to cater to anybody's needs. We just talked straight, right, So I get that that doesn't work for us, but for others. How can understanding the concept of a love language improve the relationship? Right now? How would you recommend then that within the context of a couple you can navigate those differences.

already had our card stamped and approved. We were ready to go, right, So we weren't looking for that mommy daddy connection from anybody else. We already figured it out, you know. So yeah, in agreeance with you. If that's where you're at, you know, you have to be conscious of those things, and there is a life where you know, you can expect that you don't have those challenges anymore. It just takes practice, you.

it going to happen? Like I wasn't counting on it, but I was just curious. I was sort of like testing a couple of methods out in terms of, you know, the work that I do and like, okay, you know, if I'm appreciating myself and I'm really working on that,

is he going to do it? And sometimes I think it's just going to the person saying Babe, you know, i'd really love for you to just appreciate one thing about lets your ego gode, dissolve your ego for one second, and if you really need something, just to be honest about it. You know, if you really need to be acknowledged for something, or you really need to be appreciated, or you really want to hug, just ask. We get so stuck in the ego, like I don't want to

do I'm not going to appreciate. I'm not going to ask him to do that for me or ask her to do that for me. If they can't figure it out. Again, they're not a mind reader. They're not going to figure it out, and you're setting your relationship up for a failure. If you keep waiting for that person to figure it out, so as your ego dissolves and it stops fighting, you know that story of what that person needs to do for you or how they must show up for you.

Could you just simply tell them what you need and could they just like in a nice way, not in a you know, you didn't do this, and not in a planning and putting them down we're criticizing them way that Like, you know, I'm kind of having a really hard time today and it would really help me if you just appreciated one thing about and that person when you say it that way, like they're all going to be on board. You know, Oh that's a simple thing

to do. Like, you know, I really appreciate you know how hard you've been working to plan the strip to Thailand. Like whatever it is, right, they're going to be on board.

Don't throw up any walls for any reason, because sometimes you're not even throwing up walls because you mean to you just you're doing something and your partner comes up behind you and hugs you, for example, and you're like, what do you want? You know, like, that's not a good attitude to have, right, Yeah, exactly.

to suffer in silence. So if if something's coming up, say it, because if you don't, you build resentment, and resentment is the killer of all relationships.

herself very much, but I have to fix me. So I stayed single for six years and went on a radical journey of personal growth to try to figure out how to heal and to make sure that I never was the person that I was when all those things that I allegedly did that I don't have any proof that I did, but I still took responsibility for them anyway happened. Does that make sense to you?

probably judging you all these different things. Right, So there's a lot of really bad breakups that happen out there. Let's talk about healing after heartbreak. So for anybody who's gone through a painful breakup, what's the first thing that they should do to begin healing so they can move forward?

to just meet yourself where you're at. You need to give yourself so much compassion, give yourself compassion and feel the hurt. Feel it. So this is how I feel an emotion, any emotion. I sit with it for ninety seconds, I put a timer on and I feel it as sensation in and it is like a wave that comes to the scene and it goes. It'll come in a really big sensation. It can be in your heart, your belly,

your shoulders, whatever it is. This is what I also use with my clearing the Fears of conscious reprogramming method. You feel the emotion and it'll come in the biggest intensity, but it will always break. Just like a wave reaches the shore and it breaks at the shoreline, that emotion will always break. So allow yourself to feel it, because

it's so easy to distract yourself. It's so easy to get caught up in talking about the person and focusing on what they did wrong, and as asking the why questions, which I'm not saying are not going to happen. Been like, we're all human and you're allowed to have periods where you ask those why questions, but know that all those whys are almost just a layer covering up what you're not willing to feel. And if you were to just sit with your hurt, which is so foreign to so

many of us because we are not taught this. And this is what I'm teaching my sons to do right now. I'm teaching them this so they don't have to learn it when they're adults like I did. And so I'm really proud of that I'm doing with them, and so feel what you're feeling. If it's anger, feel it like, take a pillow, slam it to the floor, get it out of your body. Let that anger move through you.

If it is sadness, of course, you know, let yourself cry, let yourself be upset, and stop questioning why you're so hurt. If you only knew the person for three weeks or one month or six months, you're hurt. Because you're hurt. You don't have to question how long you knew that person for it to equate to your heartbreaking less or

more than what it is. Meet yourself where you're at, because likely your heartbreak is already triggering an open mound from your past experiences anyway, And that's why it feels so.

You really have to watch your mindset. That's for coaching is good, right, because you can look at your mindset and your feelings, watch your mindset and feel wherever you're feeling, and allow yourself to be where you're at, regardless of the duration of the experience, regardless of what you did or what they did. It is what it is in terms of what's coming up for you. So be that person who's willing to sit with you and deal with you.

Be that person for yourself, right, and like try your best to Like I know it's hard not to talk about it to other people, but I feel like then you just kind of get stuck in that energy as well, of like people kind of perpetuating your story to you and getting stuck in a cycle of like, yeah, he's such a this so she said to that, you know,

like kind of riling you up to stay stuck. And notice that if you are willing to feel whatever you're feeling, you will always come out a stronger version of yourself, a more aware version of yourself, and you'll always feel lighter. Always.

What advice do you have for someone who is learning to enjoy their single life and maybe they want to continue to grow as a person, I should say.

you can. But I would go back to the emotional needs.

I would go back to learning to meet your emotional needs when you're single, whether it's that you came out of a relationship or you are just learning about this, like really learning to connect with yourself, check in with yourself, to notice what helps you feel sovereign, to pleasure yourself with whatever helps you feel pleasure right, and to acknowledge yourself, to acknowledge when there are hard days and you're believing that leve will never happen for you, or to acknowledge

when you're feeling lonely you're alone, or to acknowledge when you're actually quite joyful for not having a partner in your life that's okay too. So I would go back to that for everybody, whether you're in a relationship, whether you are single, whether you're dating. I think it's a common thread that can help all of us. Yes, and remembering that it's it's all about phases right and watching

yourself again get stuck in the same story. I hear a lot of oh, there's no single you know, there's no single part with men or women in my city. Everyone's taken. That is freaking bullshit. Everybody is not taken. There are people coming out of relationships into relationships, Like you know, there are plenty of people out there. But if you decide that everyone's taken, the universe will show you everyone's taken. It's exactly what you'll get back into.

So watch your mindset, you know. Or like there's a lot of like stigma around age too. So if I am forty or forty five or fifty, like, oh my chances for love are gone. Like it's no who said what because we saw this on a TV show or society or a magazine. I mean, you actually have like celebrities that are like well into their fifties and sixties

and they're still making connections. So that's actually proof. But it doesn't matter what age you are, that you can find companionship at any age because people are coming in and out of situation.

showing your brain. Show your brain proof that it's possible. Ask for it, go look for it, be curious, and once you show your brain enough proof of that, it'll start to actually take on that belief. And again you will notice people telling you stuff. People are always telling you things, and you're absorbing everything that people are saying. You know, be brave enough to be like, I actually am not in alignment with that thought or that you know, opinion of yours right now, or this is my opinion,

and so you can leave it at that. You can get caught up in you know, people tell you all stories. So I you know, I tried for years to have a kid and this had happened. Oh, like I was over forty and you know, you can always like it's kind of like when people share their pregnancy stories, like or their birth stories. You don't want to get caught up with that because it's just going to get absorbed into you, like you're sucking in all of that. Right. You got to keep your space clean. You have to

keep your you have to protect yourself. You have to have a clear energy around you when it comes to what people are telling you and what you're absorbing from society. Everything that we see.

reactive communication to calm and considerate and respectful communication. They went from yelling in their home and passing that cycle onto their kids to not yelling anymore because they looked at themselves, They understood themselves, they did their inner child work, they looked at their patterns, and they learned to communicate

in a way that was healthy. So he learned to set boundaries with his partner and stop pleasing, and she learned to stop the conflict, to stop the conflict when she was disregulated, to go meet her needs and get regulated. And so together they have come up stronger for their two young girls and for themselves, and I just feel so honored to have worked with both of them because I also really got to see I didn't work with them together at the same time. I first worked with

a woman and then the man. I really got to see just how everybody has a story, Like, regardless of what role you play in your relationship, we all have fears, all have trauma, we all have hard things that we're going through, And if you can do the work to understand yourself, you can then relay that to your partner so much more better and you can have empathy and compassion for their experience, Like, you know, we can get stuck again in a lot of like oh, well, men

are like this and women are like that, and we're just people. People are you know, they're going to have hard times. So that was very successful to see them overcome that, and I'm so proud of them. And they were just such fast learners. So I was really lucky actually because I only worked with you know, her partner for three months and her for six months. But they're doing great. I just checked up with them and they

said that everything that they're learning, they're practicing. They still have hard moments, but now they have the tools to overcome it. And most importantly, they understand when the partner is triggering them or it's like a past experience or a childhood thing triggering them. And knowing that difference has really helped them as well.

that recommendation. But she was very hopeless in love and she didn't think she was ever going to meet anybody. And while we were working together, she came from an abandonment moon, which I understand a lot because I also come from that, so I can deeply resonate with that when I work with people with anxious attachment or abandonment.

And as we began to meet. She began to meet herself where she was accept the qualities about her except when she was a little needy, except when she was having a hard time, and she began to be compassionate to herself and go through that healing journey. She met her partner while we were together in the six months coaching container, and she got married a year later and

they're doing good. I just checked in with them, and so that was a really powerful story just to see like she was just she just I think she had one really breakthrough session where she realized that everything she was looking for and somebody was not really what she was looking for. What she was looking for was safety, and she created that safety inside her and then she found someone. Okay, that's safety.

it's something that happened two hours ago. Like I know that I've done a lot of repair with my relationship with my older son because the mother I was to him when he was one to five is not the mother I am. And so the accountability I've taken, the ownership I've taken, and the willingness to repair and to own up for what I did that he might not remember now, but his subconscious mind remembers it one to

five years old. That is what I believe will keep our relationship strong and he'll and heal help him feel is because I'm willing to be like when you were this age, I was like that that was not okay, and I'm willing to actually, you know, own up to it. So don't underest to me at all. It is so powerful.

You can have a relationship that has been broken, you know, even between a parent and child or any other dynamic for ten years, and then repair comes in and it saves that relationship and it brings it back together.