Today on Bold Steps, Mark Jobe gives us some practical parenting tips.
The school system is not a substitute teacher for your children. The church, society and programs out there are not to raise your children. You are the raisers of your children. You are the instructors of the children. You are.
Welcome to Bold Steps with Mark Jobe. Mark is president of Moody Bible Institute and the senior pastor of New Life Community Church in Chicago. I'm Wayne Shepherd. As we move forward in our study of the book of Ephesians, Mark is going to be taking us to chapter six in order to help us glean some practical parenting tips from the text as we try not to exasperate our children. Today's message is part of our series titled When You
Believe everything changes. And if you've missed any of these messages, you can catch up online at Bold Steps. All right, now let's get started. Today's message is called the Power of Role parenting. And here's our Bible teacher, Mark job.
And he says parents or fathers, verse four, which could be used in a plural way for fathers and mothers. Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. The second point if you're taking notes, write this down a parent's willingness to train and instruct spiritually will help shape the destiny of their children. Now, after having said children, obey your parents. Listen, if your if your mother or father says, do this,
you do it. If they say this is the rules. That's the rules. If they say this is how you this is the rules of this household. Those are the rules of the household, period. Now, having said that, I want to make sure you don't leave parents. You don't leave this meeting beating your chest, saying, I'm dead. And I want to make sure you understand the other side of this as well, because it says, fathers, do not
exasperate your children. What does it mean to exasperate? To exasperate means to lead them to seething hostility, or to frustrate them to a point that they become angry towards the parents? Um, sometimes there's a lot of anger in households, uh, from children to the parents, and there's seething anger. There's this feeling of frustration and anger that arises, and you're not always sure where it came from. And you're the household seems like, well, there's a lot of battle happening
in my household. There's a lot of anger from the children coming towards the parents and the Bible says, hey, do not, do not exasperate the anger. In other words, don't stir that anger up by the way you parent. Let me give you a few things that lead to exasperation. And, um, I've taken this list and edited this list from a commentary that John MacArthur had in Colossians. And let me
give you a short version of this list. Uh, ways that we exasperate our children one Overprotection you can exasperate your children and make them angry when you're overprotective and you never allow your children any liberty. Uh, they have strict rules about everything, no matter what your children do. Overprotective parents do not trust them because nothing they do earns their parent's trust. So children begin to despair and may believe that how they behave is irrelevant and that
can lead to rebellion. Listen, uh, a few years back, when Josh McDowell was here, he said this I love this quote. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Some of you were raised in very super authoritarian households in which you demanded the you demanded respect and you gave rules, but you had no relationship with your your parents had no relationship, and your children may have obeyed, but eventually leads to rebellion. If there's rules without relationship, it leads
to rebellion. And so if you are over protective or over demanding and don't give some latitude, then it can lead to frustration. Number two favoritism. If you show unwittingly, if you compare one child to another, like why can't you be more like your sister? Or your sister always had better grades, your brother had better grades. How come you can't be that way? How come you're the black sheep? How come I always have to look at them. How are your cousin? Is doing a lot better than you.
Do not compare your children with other children. Your children are individuals. And if they begin to feel like they're the black sheep, or you show favoritism to another child in the household, that could begin to create a sense of hostility or frustration rising within them. Number three depreciating
their worth. When when you when you deal with the children as though that that a child feels like they're not important to that you don't listen to what they have to say, um, or that, um, you don't give any time to them. They begin to feel like they have very little worth in the in the house. They begin to they'll bottle up anger and begin to feel exasperated or angry because there's never a listening ear number
for unrealistic goals. If you set goals that are so high that demand perfection, and no matter how hard they strive, there's always a critical word about how they could do better or where they're failing. Then it will create frustration or failing to show affection. Parents need to communicate love, both verbally and physically to their children, or it will
discourage and alienate. Do you know how many adult men in their 30s or 40s have sat down with me with tears in their eyes, broken and choking up, saying, I never remember my father once telling me he loved me. These are grown men. Quivering because they say, I don't remember my father once saying, I love you, son. Physical and verbal affection. Your kids need to know you love them. No child should ever have to think. Did my father or mother ever tell me I love, I love you?
You should say it so much, so often that they know. You say, well, pastor, I'm just not that way. I'm not very emotional or very expressive. Then learn to be.
I just feel awkward doing it because my dad never do it. Well. Hey.
Break the cycle. Break it. Listen, unless you begin to tell your daughter you love her. Unless you begin to. Unless you begin to hug her, unless you begin to show appreciation, there will be some man there that will be willing to do that. And sometimes the wrong man. And she'll be driven to sometimes wrong choices, because she's looking for the love of a man that she should have found in dad through her father. Appreciating, loving her, affirming her. and she's going to look for it somewhere.
She better find it in you. Dad.
We'll continue our message in just a moment here on Bold Steps with Mark Jobe. But first, Mark, if you'll permit me, I want to share something that's been weighing on my heart lately. I've been thinking about how throughout history, God has always raised up people who prioritized his mission,
even during some pretty turbulent times. Whether it was the early church during persecution or believers during world wars, or missionaries in hostile territories, there've always been those who kept their focus on advancing the gospel despite everything happening around them. And we've got a lot happening around us right now.
And, Wayne, oftentimes it's.
In the midst of a lot of turbulence and turmoil that people start looking to the heavens in special ways. And I believe that we live in a moment like that. And I just want to say that as a pastor, I've been a pastor for over 30 some years in the city of Chicago. I have never seen the openness that I've seen now. That's incredible. I'm having these conversations,
especially with young people we've seen at our church. Over a thousand people come to Christ and get baptized in the last 24 months, mainly under the age of 35. Many that had no religious background and are just hungry for God. And I think the turbulence of the world has caused them to say I need something. And many of us as believers, we're getting too distracted by what's happening and not focused enough on the gospel. And so I want to bring your attention back to the opportunities
that you have around you. That's what Bold Steps is all about. Regardless of what's happening in our world, we believe that the greatest news that needs to be proclaimed is the good news that Jesus.
Christ is here. He's the Savior. And we do not want to miss this window of opportunity of so many people being open. So join us as we continue to boldly, passionately, powerfully, 24 hours a day through moody radio, proclaim the good news of Jesus.
And at Moody, we're sending workers into that harvest, aren't we?
We are. And so excited about that as well. Uh, we're sending people focused on the gospel. Bold steps, as you know, is making sure that we include a call to the gospel on a regular basis. And so excited to see people coming to Jesus.
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And sometimes we're good at it when the kids are little. Come here. We hug them, play with them, love them. But then when they get a little older, we feel awkward. I've discovered that sometimes men, as their daughters, get older and reach puberty, and our young women, sometimes they feel awkward with that. Listen, I believe your daughter needs to needs to be lavished with love all the way up
into whatever year she has. In appropriate ways, of course, but lavished with loved, hugged and and let know that you love her, and that she is that both and your boys as well. Boys, as much as they'll let you hug them, right. They reach your age, dad. But but you know, you you live through that, you live through that, and you show them. You verbally affirm them physically showing affection. There's something about kids that know that they're loved, that are much more secure in their life
as well. And some men Listen, some women need to learn this as well, but I especially find it among the men that have had austere, discipline oriented fathers that feel like if I show them affection, I'm showing weakness. They just need to learn.
To.
Rough it up and discipline. And they they never have learned how to show affection. And usually you're pretty bad at showing affection to your wife and to your kids and to your sons. Listen, it's something that you need to break and need to learn and need to learn that you, as a father, have the power to embrace your children, show physical affection and verbal affection often and regularly, so that they know that they are loved. Amen. Amen.
And then criticism. You know, there's times of correction. But if your kids always live under criticism, it will wither their spirits. Neglect is another thing. If you are so busy and there's things like addiction or overworking or dysfunctional marriage that consumes you and your problems and causes you to neglect your children where they feel like you never have time, you really don't care. It's not a part because you're so consumed in your own stuff that they
begin to feel neglected. Neglected kids will begin to develop a frustrated, angry spirit, and oftentimes kids that are neglected will start acting out to get attention, because what they're looking for is attention from their parents, and they'll take positive or negative attention, whatever kind of attention they can get. You show me a family that starts the the mom and dad starts struggling, and every time a child starts acting up, the first thing a counselor asks is, is
everything all right at home? Because when things are not at right at home, a child feels neglected and they start acting out their frustration because they're looking for attention and they will take positive or negative attention, whatever they can get. And so there needs to be, regardless of what you're going through at home, there needs to be a sense of showing affection and care to your children,
regardless of what your own personal struggles may be. Excessive discipline is the last one I'm going to give you that leads to frustration. Listen, you can you can provide excessive discipline so that it crushes the spirit of your children. Let me clarify something. I believe in corporal punishment for smaller children when it's very controlled and very limited. Never when you're angry. Never when you're frustrated. Never when you're out of control. When my children were small. This is
how it would go if I used corporal punishment. And they were, you know, 5 or 6 years old, I'd say, okay, go to your room And I'll meet you in your room and explain and sit down. Bend over the bed. You get one swat. Of course. It was like they're going to kill him. Please.
I'll never do it.
And then it was one limited one.
Parents that often use corporal punishment. They do it when they're angry. They start slapping, they start hitting. They start getting out of control. That is never listen. That is never, never, never, right? Ever. If you have a problem with explosive anger and it leads to physical mishandling over handling of your children, let me tell you what to do. If you're angry, you're mad, and you cannot control yourself. Listen, walk out of that
house now. Get out of the house until you can calm yourself down, and then you can administer a a right discipline to your children. And by the way, when your children get get older, any kind of cultural corporal punishment is just uncalled for. When your children reach an age, there's a small window of opportunity when they're young, very
limited discipline, corporal discipline. But when they reach an older age, when they get their teen years 13, 12, 13, I think that it's inappropriate to be administering corporal punishment because typically Scripture says, do not exasperate your children did bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. I love this because it says, bring them up the ideas. Nurture them, nurture them. It's like carrying nurture. It's the word we use that's used for feeding your own, taking
care of yourself. It says nurture them in a loving way. Bring them up. How? Two ways. One in Instruction and training. Look at what it says. Two words are used there. Bring them up in training and instruction. Training has to do with corrective discipline, and instruction has to do with teaching them. Listen, parents, I want you to understand this really, really well. The school system is not a substitute teacher for your children. The church is not a substitute teacher
for your children. Your grandparents are not a substitute teacher for your children. Listen, society and programs out there are not to raise your children. You are the raisers of your children. You are the instructors of the children. You are. You say, well, I sent him a daycare to teach him then. No no no, no, daycare is not going to do it. I sent him in a youth group. I hope that you get him straight. No, no, no youth groups. Not going to do that. You are. You
are the raisers of your children. There's no one that can be a substitute for a parent. That means that you have interactive time with them. That means that you get involved in their life. It means you talk. Oh, you say other teenagers. Hey, listen, I believe you can talk to teenagers. I've had a few of my own. I have a few of my own. Find ways, find hangout times. Things that you can do together. I have a 16 year old right now. He's behind the camera
right there. So I always know where he's at at this service. He can't escape. You know, there's things that we like to do together. We've been working out together. Go to the gym a couple times, you know, just work out together. Why? It's a bonding time. Next time you see him, say, hey, I think your biceps getting a little bigger there. You know, that's dad's been coaching him there. I listen to his music. He listens to my music. His music's a lot louder than my music.
He says it's Christian music. But, you know, I don't know because I can't understand the words. I just know it sounds something like.
Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah.
I actually like it now. I've listened to it so much, so much going in the car with them that I actually like it, you know, been to a concert with them, to it, got in a mosh pit with him. You know,
I you know why. Finding common ground there. And all I'm saying is that I believe that you cannot raise your children unless you find common ground to get into the world, to hear the world know what they're doing, know what's going on, find some ways of instructing, coaching, getting involved in their sports or their school activities or things that you can do together, things that you can talk about. I believe you have to take an extra effort to do that, but I believe there's no substitute
for it. And the day will come that you will look back at the season when your kids were at home and you'll say, I wish I would have. I wish I would have, and I want to challenge you. If your kids are still at home, take advantage of the door of opportunity that you still have. My daughter's at her first year of college. She's out of state. Thank God for texting. Facebook, Skype. At least a couple times a week I'll text her in the morning. I
did this morning. Hey. Good morning. Love you. How you doing? Hi. I want her to know that that that relationship is there. I don't be I don't believe the teenage years have to be the worst years of your life, by the way. I believe they can be challenging, but I believe they can be. Some years that you look back and say, wow, those were great years. Good years they were at home. I had fun, I loved my kids. As they get older,
you release them. The leash has to be unleashed. You can't treat a 16 year old like you treat a ten year old. They have to be released a little bit, and you need to know what the appropriate leash is to let go, but I believe, listen, parents do not buy into the lie that your kids don't listen to you anymore, that you're too far apart, that your opinion is not important. Listen, if your kids are still a part of your life, I want to tell you your
opinion and your life influences them deeply. Don't buy into the lie that they're not listening. They are.
Some great practical advice and instruction from the book of Ephesians. You're listening to the Bible teaching of Mark job, and this is Bold steps. Well, Mark, this was such a powerful message that many people needed to hear, I'm sure. But parents aren't the only ones who can make a difference in the next generation. Us grandparents, you and me and all the grandparents listening can as well. Your grandkids
are close at hand. Mine are kind of far away physically, but we can we can encourage them, can't we?
Yeah, absolutely. And I want to just highlight the understated influence of grandparents. And if you're a grandparent and you're listening, I don't want you to undervalue the power of your influence because you have both influenced the parents that are raising those children, but you also have the power to speak into their life and their destiny. My wife and
I have five grandchildren now. We understand that we're not the primary raisers of those kids, but that they do value what we speak into their lives, and it makes a huge difference. So grandparents, pray for your grandchildren speak into their lives. Some of you have grandchildren who are not being raised in Christian households, but typically the parents don't resist. If you read them a Bible, talk to them. I have I know a lot of grandparents that they're
the ones that are taking their grandkids to church. Even if their parents don't. And so there's a powerful influence. And I've heard testimonies over and over as, uh, adults get ready to get baptized, they'll say something like, it was my grandmother or my father or grandfather that taught me about Jesus that often. Don't I hear it a lot?
I know growing up you lived thousands of miles from your grandparents, but were you aware of their prayers for you? Absolutely.
Had some very, very godly grandparents, and although we didn't live close in other countries, I knew that they prayed for us and they let me know often. Hey, we're praying for you.
Yeah. So if your grandkids aren't close at hand, you still have a ministry with them 100%. Wonderful. Thank you. Mark. And before we go today, let me remind you that we have a variety of bold resources and tools to help you experience the power and presence of God in your life each day. And right now, we're currently offering a book that may lend a whole new perspective to a battle you didn't even know you're facing. It's a book by author and pastor Mike Fabares, and it's titled envy.
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dealing with in our daily lives. That's coming up Monday right here on Bold Steps with Mark Jobe. Bold steps is a production of Moody Radio, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.