Porges on New Book

She's got a new book out today. It is entitled What Girls Need, How to Raise Bold, courageous and Resilient Women. And she man her background. She's a former U. S. Naval officer and former senior advisor to the White House during the Obama administration. And she joins us on the phone from Pennsylvania. Very impressive. But I have to say I look forward to a day when we don't say that about a women because all women have your backgrounds.

It's just a given. Yes, exactly, We're all awesome and we are all bold, and that's the story we want to tell our next generation. Well, we'll tell Marissa tell us about you know, what is the biggest difference between girls and what girls need and what boys need, especially when it comes to learning in their early years, that's going to pay off big time later on, especially when

they're out in the work world. Yeah, I think it's the sense that we need to give our girls earlier and earlier some of the key skills that will differentiate them when they are adults, things that came to me later in life. You may have your own stories about that. When you learn to negotiate, when you learn to self advocate, These things that you know, by large come more naturally to young boys um social norms the way they're raised.

But we meet our girls who have those strong voices to be able to step into a room and negotiate, haven't ask, and have it be effective in a way that feels personal to them. It's also interesting to think about some of the key skills that are very natural to our girls, how they emphathize and communicate, and if we can lean into those strengths that will be their competitive advantage when they're older too. So it's both, you know, bridging the gap and helping them lean enter their strength.

Well and Messa, it's interesting to have this conversation as Carol pointed out earlier in the show, like we're having this series of conversations almost by accident. I mean we

totally planned it. On the show today, around education, we were speaking with the dean of the business school down at Fuqua uh Fuqua Business School at Duke University, and he was talking about sort of this three three layered approach to some extent around leadership, which I'm guessing you would agree with because he talked about I Q and EQ, which we talked so much about, but also d Q, which I would say is dairy queen, but he would say is the decency quotation, which I think is so

interesting to think about as we try and raise empathetic young people, and I wonder, how do you teach something like that or how do you nurture it? Well, it's such a critical part of how we need to raise the next generation, and this idea that it can actually

be taught. It's a learned skill that can be reinforth even in how in what books you choose to be your no kids, we learn empathy by taking other people's perspective, is by stepping into other people's shoes and then thinking, well, not just how would we want to feel, but how would they want to feel? So read fiction, Read fiction where the protagonists, especially for young girls, is someone who is a young girl themselves but has a different background.

You know, It's something that we leave into our curriculum at Baldwin and I know, Carol, I'm sure your daughter school does as well. But when you think about this for all our girls and there are boys too, especially these days when we're really trying to bridge gaps and understand different perspectives, and so that is a key way you can actually teach the skill of you of excuse me, empathy, um, alongside these other skills that we've know, we've talked about

already so far. Right, So I do want to ask you, I mean not to take this in too much of a turn, but Carol mentioned your background, and I do wonder, I mean, give us the one minute version of you know, sort of how you touch those different things and end up um doing what you're doing leaving in school. Well, I think it's uh one of the things who want to teach our girls to risk a getters and all their follow their personal passions and see where it gets them.

And I had the good portion of going to Baldwin, myself by too, and I'm a lung of an all girls school. And when I was young, my dream job was to fly just for the Navy, and I pursued that passion and then it took me different directions and one day was given the opportunity to give back to the community that gave me so much and set the stage for the next generation. And so it's one of those moments where we take risks in new ways and

learn to lean into leadership. So it's it's both the fact that I had my own uh chance, and then I'm ready to give it to the next generation to make sure they're set up for success. To what was your experience so uh in the in the U. S. Military, in the U S. Navy, because I feel like that

can be such a difficult world for women still. Yeah, you know, it's it's uh part and parcel of having navigated a lot of male dominated fields and for everyone who's listening, and it's been a tech industry, on a corporate industry and finance, it's still a place where there's so many barriers that we see in a daily basis that you get used to them. Um, it's the moment when you put on your equipment and you realize the equipment was made for a man of a different size,

in different shape and doesn't really sit me. So I actually had a final waiver saying if anything happened, idea, okay with it and want through the US military. And yet um, Yet it was you know what I wanted to do when I had a good portion of having mentors, male mentors as well, who set the stage for me and allow me to pursue that passion. But I do think that it does take a certain um resilience, a certain uh competitive spirit. I mean that was for me

something that really made a big difference, um. And that we want to make sure our girls have those core skills they can pursue these fields no matter um, you know, when they get older, no matter what the gender bias looks like. Then well, I'm thinking about your book too, and I'm wondering what the Marissa today would tell the younger Marissa, UM, based on what you've learned. Yeah, yeah,

I think it's interesting. I Um, I came to my voice despite my all girls upbringing, um, and despite a lot of what I was told, I think, um, and in some ways I came a little bit of my voice late. I mean, there's one story in the book where I had the most pivotal moment of my career at some level. UM was sitting around the table in the West Wing with the President of the United States.

That moment we all dream about, where you're like stuff, you know, literally, you know, asking talking about national security, talking about my area of expertise, and it was the cliche of tat got your tongue? And I watched other people around the table UM speak to my issue set, and I left just thinking, Wow, I missed my opportunity. I had the good fortune of being able to sit down with UM the President later and speak to him about Um al Qaeda and is this in my issues?

And so I did recover UM. But I do think those moments when I too realized that there was just a hurdle I had to overcome and I had to still train myself even as a young adult, to do these things. And I think we want to the next generation not to have those moments. Right, Let's get back to our conversation with Dr Marissa Porches. She is currently the head of school at the Baldwin School. Former U S Naval officer former senior advisor to the White House

and Marissa. I wanted to pick up kind of where we left off because Carol asked a great question about what you would tell your younger self. And what's interesting is you have, like I guess, a few hundred of your younger selves that you're talking to all the time. And so I do wonder when you came into this job, what was one thing or a couple of things that you changed or adapted or or did differently based on your experience there as a student, but then your later

experience in the military and then uh in the government. Yeah, well on you know, on one hand, we have such expert teachers and administrators that I you know, have the good portion of letting them. We invent the curriculum, daily basis, and things that go on in school these days. It's just it blows your mind. So, um, you know, on

that level, I was walking into a really wonderful situation. Um. And yet I always think we can do more to talk to our girls and really be honest with them about what takes for um, for young women to grow into their best leadership self. And so we did start a leadership course for our seniors and we talked very directly about some of the challenges that both face, particularly as women, not just in college, but as they leave

and enter the real world. And I think as the system is changing, there's still a lot of barriers to entry and things that we want our girls to know about before they meet these situations so they can face them head on. And I think it's also about UM teaching really how our girls want to, you know, learn from failure, how they should be taking risks, how they

need to be resilient. And that's part of this book as well, is really what we can do to teach the skills of resilience, the skills of risk taking UM from an early age so that you know they're ready to be the entrepreneurs that we know they need to

be and want to be when they get older. I have to say, Bam, Marissa Man, when you said about this idea of taking risks, like I mentor a lot of younger women, and I constantly am saying, and I say this to my daughter who's seventeen, you know, make yourself uncomfort ball and don't be afraid and and take those risks, because I do think that there is a

big difference between men and women. And I know that there are studies out there that even for jobs that women feel like they have to take the boxes on everything and men are like, yeah, I got most of them. You know, I'm perfect for the job there. I don't know whether it's just the d NA what it is, but I feel like that's something that women and young girls have to be more comfortable with, and studies show

exactly what you're saying. And I think every woman listening to the show can can remember a moment when they realize they let some guide take an opportunity that could have been there is if only they were a little

more of a risk take or put themselves forward. Um. And I think if we can talk about this from an early age and there are things we can do concretely to push all girls to to practice feeling uncomfortable used to those moments and they build a muscle that later on when there are bills, will be like, yeah, I know I got this. I'm okay with that moment because when I was little, my parents, my teachers, by family members encourage that in me. And there's tricks and

skill and strategies that work for that. And that's for the book of it out. I have to follow up Jason. I I'm like pointing at him. I'm like, yeah, see it's you man. But no, I don't really mean that, But I mean there is something about you. Do mean that, You're just hopefully not talking about me. But now I was around. I have a lot of nieces and they're

in their mid you know, or young twenties. But this whole idea of like women are so quick to say sorry and back off, and and I do think that there is something in society that has yet to change to accept women who are powerful and strong and aggressive very much though. And there's interesting studies that show about competitiveness, right, and how we nurture this healthy competitive nature we think competition is. You know, I thought of as bad for

a lot of our young girls. They think, No, it's about I don't want to beat my friend, I don't want to stand out at the spelling be or on the soccer field. And need our girls to thrive in a competitive environment because it's a good thing. You know, Guys don't when we know that it takes that to get to the top in any industry. Um, and it's healthy too. It's not a malad adaptation. So you know, it's about that, it's about how we own our best self and you know, and and have a little fightyness

with it. You know, you could call it aggressiveness, but you could also describe vicenis too. Right, Yeah, and be in the game. Right. I have one last question, and Jason, I will let you talk at some point, but let so you're gonna have to come back. What do you think a female vice president? If that's what we got, what I was I was going to go to politics next, because we've heard this criticism of a lot of the

people who are vying for this job. She's a little aggressive. Like, what do you think a female vice president might bring to a ticket and really more importantly an administration, a White House and ultimately our nation. Well, I think it's

such an important moment of the country. And I think one thing we have seen that UM women bring to the table the diversity of perspectives and willingness to see from lots of different perspectives, how to solve a problems, how to lean into a moment and really collaborate UM to find a solution. And I think that comes with how we communicate naturally, how Um, we emphasize and how

that's we enforced throughout our lives. And I think it's something that will, you know, sort of the next administration, well if if it goes that direction. But I'm excited to see that play out, and hopefully we're all ready for it, right, And that's that part of the conversation. We're so ready. In fact, it's a way over exactly. We feel very very ready for that. All right, Really good to catch up with you. Congratulations on the book.

We appreciate your time and your efforts around this. Dr mer support just She is the current head of the Baldwin School and the author of What Girls Need, How to Raise Bold, Courageous and Resilient Women, a really important read, timely to say the least. She's a former U. S. Naval officer senior adviser to former President Barack Obama. Carol, Yeah, she's another one we have to come come back to. And she's been grappling too with having to shut down

her school. I was kind of checking out some of the videos that she has been posting online for her school, and UM, you know, it's tough for anybody who's in education right now and and trying to find the way forward,