Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight. This is Bleeding Daylight with your host Rodney Olsen. Welcome. Links and other Bleeding Daylight episodes are at bleedingdaylight.net where you'll also find links for our Facebook and Instagram. Please share Bleeding Daylight with others. Sexual brokenness is alarmingly common in both men and women.
Today's guest has some helpful ways to move forward, especially for women who feel broken and for the people who love them. Today I have the privilege of chatting with Teresa Whiting, who is not just a writer, speaker, and podcaster. She's a hope-bringer, a truth-teller, a seed-seller, and a friend to fellow strugglers.
Grounded in her deep faith, Teresa's latest endeavor, the Bible study Graced, How God Redeems and Restores the Broken, invites readers to delve into the stories of six broken women in Scripture. She tackles difficult topics like sexual brokenness and shame, inviting women to find freedom and redemption. Teresa's mission remains clear, to share the truth of God's Word, empowering others to embrace their worth and identity in Christ. I'm so pleased to welcome her to Bleeding Daylight today.
Teresa, thank you for your time. Rodney, thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. It's hard to imagine too many topics that would be more difficult to write about. What is it about sexual brokenness that compelled you to tackle such an issue? Oh, wow. That's a great question. Honestly, I had some serious arguments with God about this because I didn't want to be the sexual brokenness lady. I didn't want that to be my story. I didn't want to write a Bible study about it. So I didn't.
I actually wrote a pretty generic, safe study about women in the line of Jesus. And as I submitted a proposal for that, as I prepared the proposal, I had to do something called comps, you know, where you're comparing your book to others. And I saw all these other books, all these other Bible studies on women in the line of Jesus. And I could not shake this little voice in my head that kept telling me, but no one else can tell your story.
And I'll tell you what, Rodney, I argued with God about sharing my own story of sexual brokenness and he won. So I ended up writing this study. And as I've gone around and done some speaking and I've interacted with women over it, I'm just so grateful that God has allowed me the honor of walking beside other women because it is so, so common. There are women everywhere who have walked through one degree of sexual brokenness or another.
It's just an honor to have been able to write that book and to share it with women. The story that you unfold, the Bible study that you unfold, as you say, it's not just about those six women, but you're revealing something about yourself. Maybe you can share a little of your own story. Sure. I grew up in a, I like to say, a big fat Italian family. I was the youngest of six kids. My parents were Catholic and I had five siblings that were quite a bit older than me.
So as I was a young girl, you know, I was watching my teenage siblings experiment with things like drugs and sex and alcohol. And I just couldn't wait to grow up and be like them. And I had this great plan in mind. I was going to sin as much as possible as a child. And then when I got old, I wanted to become a nun to make up for all the sins I wanted to commit. So that I could get to heaven someday. That was my plan. I thought it made sense as a young kid.
When I was in second grade, I came home from school one day and I found myself in the care of a male teenage relative. And by the end of the day, my innocence had been taken. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. And so I went across the street and I spoke to my friend because I was like, well, hey, she's a big fifth grader. She'll know what to do. We sat in the woods behind her house and I told her the story of what happened and she did not say much to me at all.
But the next week when I got on the school bus, all the kids were laughing and pointing and saying nasty things because my secret was out. I made a promise to myself at that moment that I would never tell anyone again. That started a six year cycle in my life of abuse and secrecy and fear and shame and a lot of anger. I became very angry. I was kind of a little bully. You know, that phrase hurt people hurt people.
I took my anger out on other kids and then eventually I turned that anger in on myself. And I would beat myself up with accusations of you're not good enough. You're not a good enough student, athlete, wife, daughter, sister, you know, all the things. I eventually when I was about 13 years old, I went to a Christian camp and I came to know Jesus. And I'm telling you, Rodney, he turned my life around in so many ways. And I went to Bible college and I married a pastor.
And even with all of those things, even with the way God got a hold of my life and changed me, I still struggled with shame for so many years. It just it just wouldn't loosen its grip on me. And that is the difficulty, isn't it? That when things happen that are outside of our control, there's still that sense of shame. And the enemy is still pointing the finger and saying, well, it's your fault.
We can tell ourselves it's not, but we know that that accusation is going to come back to us again and again. So as you say, you're in a much better place, but the shame is still lingering. How did you start your journey towards uncovering that shame and walking toward freedom? Well, really, the way it came about was through studying the Bible and getting to know women in Scripture.
As you read through Scripture, you will encounter story after story after story of women who have walked through sexual brokenness. And these are not just little sideline stories hidden underneath in the back corners. These are women that God highlights. If you look at the line of Jesus, just look at Matthew chapter one. The first woman mentioned is Tamar. Tamar's story looks like it came out of a modern day tabloid or daytime TV show. She had wicked husbands. They were abusive.
They were sexually abusive. She ends up getting pregnant through her father-in-law. It's like a story that you would think, let's not shine a spotlight on this one. And yet that's exactly what God does. He takes Tamar and he allows her name to be the first woman mentioned in the line of Jesus. And then the next one is Rahab. Rahab was a prostitute. Rahab was a pagan woman who God rescued from the city of Jericho. The next one is Bathsheba. Bathsheba was raped by the king of Israel.
Her husband was murdered. All these women that are like highlighted in Scripture. And when you get to know them and when you read their stories, they're so amazing to me. Because you see God saying, you see this woman? I'm choosing her for my family. You see this woman? I'm using her to build my kingdom. And then you look at the New Testament and you see Jesus going out of his way to meet people like the woman at the well. Forgiving the woman who was caught in adultery.
Turning toward the sinful woman that came to anoint his feet at Simon's house. As I studied Scripture and I got to know these women, I felt like God was saying to me, Teresa, you don't have to be ashamed. You don't have to be afraid for people to know your story. There's a lot of women like you. There's a lot of women who have stories that would cause shame. And yet those are the very women that I chose to build my kingdom. Those are the women that I came and got to know and spent time with.
It was really and truly getting to know those women that brought freedom to me to say, Oh, I don't have to hide. I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to be afraid that people are someday going to find out my story. It's interesting that you use the word brokenness because there is this train of thought that we hear so often these days of people saying, Look, don't tell me I'm broken. I'm not broken. I don't need fixing.
And yet there are so many people, and it's not just through sexual brokenness or shame, but there's so many people that do feel a brokenness inside. And it's almost like a denial of what they instinctively know. Why do you think there's such a pushback against this idea of brokenness that needs healing? Well, I think it exposes our vulnerability, and that's scary. Nobody likes to be vulnerable. Nobody wants to be seen as weak or broken. I would say.
But the fact is, when we realize we're all in this broken boat together, I mean, we are living between two gardens. The fall has occurred. Eden is lost. Paradise is gone. We are not yet in the kingdom of God in all of its fullness. We're in this messy middle ground where everybody, everybody has something broken in their life, whether it is through abuse or through financial misfortune or through illness or relational struggles.
I mean, we all have something in our life that is not as it should be. And that makes sense because we live after the fall and before the kingdom of God. And yet we resist that because we don't want to be labeled and we don't want people to see our weaknesses. I think that's, to me, why there's a pushback to that label. You mentioned that the first person you told about the abuse that you had suffered was the wrong person to tell it to.
And I guess there are many people who are thinking, yes, I do need to share my story with someone. But what if that person turns out to be the wrong person who doesn't hold that confidence or who dismisses what I'm saying? Is that a real struggle for many women? Oh, my goodness. Absolutely. It is so important to find a safe place to share your story. And I do think that sharing your story out loud with a safe person, with an appropriate person, is the first step of healing.
But, Rodney, I will tell you, I've talked to so many women who tried that and they were shamed or they were silenced. They were told, we're not going to talk about that. Or it was your fault. What were you wearing? What were you doing? You brought this on yourself. And so that is definitely a valid struggle, I think, that women have. And not everybody can afford a counselor or a therapist because they would be safe. They would have an oath of confidentiality. But it is important.
And there are safe people out there. I would encourage those who are listening, whether they're men or women, to find someone who is trustworthy, someone who will keep confidence, someone who will help you walk a healing journey and tell your story. I really do believe that that is step one. I didn't mention this before, but one of the things that brought me a lot of healing was when I did start to share my story.
There was this freedom that comes with not feeling like there's something in my life I have to hide. There's a lot of pressure of keeping secrets and hiding things. And when you're out in the light and you're like, hey, this is my story and I'm not going to hide it anymore, there is a freedom that comes just in speaking the story aloud. So I do think that is definitely one of the first steps. That's really counterintuitive, isn't it?
Because we sense in ourselves that things are going to be better if I just keep this to myself. It's not going to complicate anything if I just keep it in. And yet, so many people, whatever the struggle has been for them, they do find a certain freedom once they start to share that story. And as I say, the fear is that I'm sharing it with the wrong person. But once the right person is found, there's a freedom that comes almost inevitably for people with whatever their brokenness has been.
Yes. Yes. You know, I think that's our tendency in shame is to hide. So whatever your source of shame, that's how it all started. In the garden, I mean, we think about Adam and Eve. The minute they ate the fruit, the first thing they did was they hid themselves from God's face. That's our MO. That's what we go to. We go to hiding, covering. I don't want to see anybody. I don't want to be seen. I mean, it's so crazy.
We live in this social media obsessed culture where everybody's like, see me, notice me, look at me, but don't know all of me. Don't see all of me because then that would be devastating. And we also have this issue that because so many people are holding things in, and you've mentioned that it's the same for men and for women. You're dealing specifically with women, but we know that there are men who are sexually broken or broken in various other ways. So this goes right across the board.
But so often because so many keep it in, we don't realize the extent of the issue, and we think that we're perhaps one of the handful of people that are experiencing something. And that's probably what you felt as well, that I'm one of a handful of women or girls at that stage that have experienced this when the reality and the statistics show us that it's alarmingly high. Yes. Yes, it is. It's frighteningly high.
So when we see those numbers and we start to realize, actually, I'm not alone, does that bring some sort of freedom to realize, okay, I can step out and talk to someone because I'm not alone in this? I think it does. I think you saw that in the Me Too movement. I mean, the minute that movement started, it just took off like wildfire. And I think because there were so many people saying, I'm not alone anymore. I'm not the only one.
It showed up over and over and over in people of all ages and all demographics. You saw, yeah, Me Too, Me Too, Me Too, over and over. And I think that that's one of the things I want to do is I want to shine a light on the fact that whoever you are and whatever you've experienced, you are not alone. That is so important for us to know. We're not alone. Once people start to tell their story, of course, there's a difference between just blurting it out and actually walking that line really well.
What does it take for a woman to steward her story well? I love that question because I do think that we have to be careful when we share our story. Now, I do think, you know, you can share it in confidence in a safe place and say whatever needs to be said. If you're going to get up and share your story, let's say you're going to share it in a public place. You're going to give your testimony. I would really encourage people to know that they are in a place of at least some healing.
I liken it to wounds and scars. We all have these wounds. When our wounds are open and raw and bloody, that is not the best time to share our story. That's a time for healing. It's a time for maybe just a few people to gather around you and hold you up and dress your wounds and be intimate with the story that you're holding and hold that carefully.
But when you have a measure of healing and you have a scar that's formed, that's when you can, I think, say to others, look, look at this evidence of victory. Look at this evidence of healing. And I'm not by any means saying you have to be perfect. You have to have it all together and everything wrapped up with a bow because that doesn't come till we get to heaven.
But I'm saying if you have experienced a measure of freedom, of grace, of God's work in your life, even if you're just 10 steps ahead of somebody else, you can take them by the hand and say, here is what you're walking through. And guess what? I've been there and you're going to be okay. And I know that because God has brought me to where I am now. And I think as we experience healing, we then get to share that with others. And I think that is a stewardship. I think it's so important.
Jesus, when he rose from the dead, he did not erase his scars, which I think is so fascinating. Here he has this resurrected body, and yet he kept his scars. And he allowed people to touch them. And it brought faith to them. It brought healing to their souls to see his scars. And I think they're a symbol of victory. They're a symbol of what God can do to overcome. And so I guess I would say we steward our stories well by guarding them.
And I don't mean being secretive, but I mean, you just don't want to get up in front of the whole congregation and share all the gory details. That's another thing I will say is the details really don't matter. I try not to share a lot of details when I share my story because, you know, everybody has their own story. And if we give too many details, we tend to compare, well, oh, what happened to her wasn't as bad as what happened to me. And that's irrelevant. The point is all of us need healing.
All of us need the work of Christ. All of us need to experience the freedom that Christ can bring. I guess stewarding your story well is knowing when you're ready to share it and then also being willing to be vulnerable and share it with people who might be still bleeding out in the place where you're now healed. So there's a warning there of not to be jumping in to telling the story before it's time.
But there's also people like yourself who are saying, God, I really don't want to be telling my story. What do you say to women who feel called by God to tell their story and they're just not quite sure? I think the key in that question was feel called by God to tell their story because, honestly, I do believe that we are stewards. And I love that story of the master. He gives the stewards, you know, different talents. And this one has this many and this one has this many.
And the one guy that was afraid, he buried his talent. And when the master came back, he unburies it. And he's like, here, I have this talent that you gave me, but I was afraid. And so I hid it. And I think if your reason for not telling your story is fear, that's not a good reason. I mean, the master said, you wicked, lazy servant. You let fear rule over you instead of investing the gift I gave you. I just heard this phrase from somebody recently.
She said, instead of saying all the things that were done to me, I now say all the things that were done for me. And I was like, oh, wow, what a way to think of it. Like all the things in our lives are for a purpose. They're for a reason. God allows them for a reason. And so when we hear God saying, it's time for you to tell your story. I mean, hey, I argued for a few months and God won. I would encourage women to maybe test that out, like share it with a few people. And see if it resonates.
And I can almost guarantee you it will resonate. Because people don't relate to our perfect stories, which I don't know that I have any perfect stories. But they don't relate to all the things we're doing right and all the good stuff. People relate to our pain. When you start to share that, when you start to see that you can bring somebody else along. And you can bring them a measure of healing. That will completely change the narrative in your mind.
And you'll be like, I can't wait to tell my story. I can't wait to share this. Because I know that there's somebody out there that needs this. And I want to be a part of their healing journey. When it came to writing your book, what was it that made you decide that rather than write a, this is what happened to me, this is how I came through it, this is how you can too, kind of how-to book. To actually create the Bible study.
What was the difference in your mind and why did you go down that particular direction? One of the passions that I have is studying the Bible. And not because I see it as an academic exercise. But honestly, I really feel like it reveals God's heart. I love so much when I am studying a passage of scripture. And I start making connections. And God, through His Spirit, speaks to me. And I'm like, oh, wow, look at this. He brings comfort. He brings conviction. He brings joy.
And so I wanted that for the reader. I do feel like I could have written just a book of stories. My story, the stories of these women in scripture. But what I really, really wanted was for women to have that aha moment with God. Where they are getting in touch with God through His Word. And He, through His Spirit, is speaking to them directly. And they are able to just have that experience of interacting with God's Word. I would say it's kind of an in-depth Bible study.
It's not just like, read this story and read this verse. It's pretty, I don't know if intense is too strong of a word. It's like probably 30 minutes, 20 to 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week per chapter. Where you're really digging into scripture. You're digging into her story. You're digging into a psalm. You're exploring themes like shame, labels, what it means to be a woman, forgiveness. All these different themes in each chapter.
I just wanted the reader, the one who is doing the study, to have that experience. And there's a depth to that. And I imagine that those who have gone through sexual shame, sexual brokenness. They're probably feeling that fairly deeply. And they want something that's going to go deep to bring that healing, aren't they? Yeah, one of the things that I have in the book. At the very beginning, there's a checklist. And it's two-sided. On the one side, it says things like, I am not enough.
And then on the other side, it says, I don't have to be enough because of who Christ is. And on the one side is all these self-condemning thoughts. And on the other side are truths about what Christ says about us. Rodney, one of the most beautiful moments I've ever had is going through the study with a woman. And we get to the end of the book. And that checklist appears again. I asked her, I said, where were your checkmarks at the beginning of the study? And she said, they were all on the left.
And I said, and where are your checkmarks now? Like, what are the things? Did any of them move? And she said, they all moved. And to me, that was so encouraging to hear that. Not my word, not my study. God's word brought her to a place of truth, of self-acceptance, of seeing God's love for her in such a profound way that she was able to see herself differently. That was so encouraging to me.
And I guess that's part of what you are seeing is it's not just an inspirational or motivational book, but it's a book that is connecting people directly to Jesus, helping them to understand who they are in Christ. And so therefore, this is not something that is just going to give them a momentary high or a momentary respite from what they're feeling, but it's actually going to be something that sets them up for years to come, isn't it? That's my hope. That's my hope.
One of the things that I say at the beginning of the study is I have a few goals. I have a few hopes for those who go through it.
And one of them is my hope is that they will develop a hunger for God's word, that it will be so sweet to them that when the study is over, they'll be like, I can't wait to study God's word more, and that it'll be something in the morning or the afternoon or night or whenever they do it that they look forward to getting into God's word, and it kind of sets them up in a habit of spending time with God as often as they can.
What has been the response so far from the women that have been through it? You mentioned that one particular woman that you went through it with and all the markers have moved for her. Is that a common response that you're getting back from those who are reading the book? I think that there's definitely change. I have seen it over and over in women. To me, what's really cool is I'm seeing it in women of all ages and demographics.
There are college students that have gone through it that have said, this has helped me. I've talked to women in their 80s who've said, you know what? I've never dealt with this. I've never addressed this. I've known these stories all my life, and I see them differently, and I see myself differently. So it's been really sweet to see just different women, different age groups, go through the study and take something out of it.
And what I say is you can't walk away from it unchanged because it's God's word, and God's word is alive, and it's powerful, and it changes us. At the end of every chapter, I have a QR code, and it leads to a video teaching and three podcast episodes. If you never watch a video teaching, if you never listen to a podcast episode, and all you do is spend time with God in his word, you will grow. You will be changed. It's impossible not to be.
I know that statistically speaking that there will be those who are listening right now who have been through their own trauma, who haven't been able to speak about it to anyone. What would you say to someone listening right now who has experienced sexual brokenness? I think what I would say to that person is that whatever has happened to you or whatever choices you have made, that does not define you. You are not alone. You are not beyond God's power to redeem and restore.
As a matter of fact, you are the very person that he's looking for. His arms are open wide to you. He loves you. He's pursuing you. And all you have to do is look up and run into his arms, and he will embrace you. It's to me so important for women to know that God is not disappointed. He's not shaking his head and saying, Oh, you really messed up. I'm done with you. I can't do anything with you now. Absolutely not.
Just look at those women in the line of Jesus who this world would have said, and at the time probably did say, Oh, not her. She's useless. Look what happened to her. And yet God said, Oh, look at her. I am going to put her in my family. I am going to redeem and restore and rescue her in such a way that the world will be able to say, Only God. Only God can do that. I'm very aware that there would be some listening who have heard the call of the world that says, You are wearing the wrong thing.
You are in the wrong place. And putting the blame back on that person. And yes, there are decisions that we can take that may or may not help, but that's never the woman's issue. It's never her fault for what is done to her. What would you say to those women who are hearing, still hearing those accusing voices? That is not God's voice. That is not God's voice. You know, it's interesting, the story of Bathsheba.
I can get on a real big soapbox about this because people say, and even in certain translations of scripture, it says when David committed adultery with Bathsheba. And people say, well, she was bathing on the roof or whatever, what have you, these things that are said about her. And the fact is, God never once implicates Bathsheba. In scripture, the original language, it says when David went into Bathsheba. It does not say when David committed adultery, because adultery is two consenting adults.
I don't believe Bathsheba was consenting. David was on the roof. She was not. She was probably in a private courtyard. She was taken. The word take where, you know, it says they brought her to David. The word means to take, capture, seize. That was not her choice. That was not her fault. I get a little up in arms when I hear people say that, you know, she committed adultery. She did not. I believe she was raped, and it was not her fault. And never once does God implicate her.
As a matter of fact, it says in 2 Samuel, the thing that David did displeased the Lord. When Nathan the prophet came to him, Nathan says, you took this man's little ewe lamb. Like he described Bathsheba as an innocent lamb that was taken and stolen. Those voices are loud. Those voices that tell us it's our fault. But the only way I know how to silence that, a couple things actually. Number one, work through that. Work through that hurt. Work through that pain.
You can't just push it aside and silence it and be like, la, la, la, I'm not going to listen to this voice anymore. You have to work through the pain and name the hurt and say out loud what was done and say how painful it was and grieve the loss of innocence or the loss of whatever it is that was stolen from you. But then you have to listen to the voice of Jesus who says, I am here. I will redeem. I will restore. I will make all things new. It's a process. I can't give you three easy steps.
I wish I could. But I think it's a process of learning and growing and learning to listen to God's voice above the voice of, really, it's our enemy. It's Satan who is telling us we need to live in shame and we need to live in fear and we need to hide and it's our fault and if only you had done this different. Those are his accusations. And the only way I know to fight lies is with the truth.
Teresa, you touched on the fact that there's not just the book that you've written, but there are other resources available. If someone is listening at the moment, they want to grab hold of that Bible study or they want to get in touch with you or see some of the other resources, what is the easiest way for them to find you? Easiest way is to just go to my website, TeresaWhiting.com, and there is a page there of resources.
There's links to the Bible study, links to the podcast, links to all kinds of things. I will put links in the show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find you easily. But, Teresa, I want to thank you for sharing some of your story and for what you are doing in contributing to the healing of so many. Thank you for your time on Bleeding Daylight today. Thank you, Rodney. Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight.
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