Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight. This is Bleeding Daylight with your host, Rodney Olsen. Welcome. I'm so pleased you're here. You can stay up to date with Bleeding Daylight by connecting with us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and other social media. Links are at bleedingdaylight.net, where you'll also find dozens of other episodes. Please consider leaving a five-star review on your favorite podcast platform.
What do you like at asking questions? Are you good at waiting for the deeper answers? Is it okay to ask God the big questions? My guest today is all about building relationships and faith through questions. On today's episode, I'm joined by Mandy Pallock, author of The Question Habit, and the voice behind the podcast Presently Engaged. Mandy is passionate about fostering deep intentional relationships with both God and others through the power of asking thoughtful, Jesus-centered questions.
Her book explores how simple, curious inquiries can transform conversations from lighthearted icebreakers to the most difficult discussions. I'm so pleased she's joining us today. Mandy, welcome to Bleeding Daylight. Thank you so much. I am delighted to be here. There are some people who might say that we shouldn't be asking questions, especially asking questions of God, but rather we should just believe.
How did you come to discover that not only is it absolutely okay to ask questions, but that questions can actually help shape our lives? Yeah, I love that. It started by seeing how many questions are in the scriptures, that scripture is just peppered with questions from start to finish. Creation fell with a question. And then in Revelation, we have that big, huge question that gets asked, who is worthy? We're asking all the questions in between.
So for me, just noticing as I was reading the scriptures, how many questions are in there that Jesus asked questions, that Jonah asked questions, that God asked Jonah questions, like so many good times, and that we see questions asked, and that really, God has given us a holy curiosity, that He's designed us to be curious. And when we squelch that, we're squelching something that God designed. It seems to be modeled to us as well, because all-knowing God still asks questions of His creation.
He will still ask people questions, even though He absolutely knows the answer. Why do you think that is? He's showing us how to do it. Yeah. Jesus asked 180, 188 questions in the Gospels, depending on which version you're looking at. Here's God in the flesh modeling questions.
And we see all-knowing God using questions in different ways to pull out, to help people understand, to help people realize where He is at work, and to help give clarity in different situations and different circumstances. So when did it first dawn on you that asking questions is okay, and that you should delve into it a little bit more? Absolutely. Okay. So I was the quiet kid that was sitting as far as possible away from any parent that I could in the car.
So we get in the car, we have this big 12-passenger van, because I'm from a big, boisterous, extroverted family. I'm the lone introvert until my sister came along. I discovered that if I sat in the far back seat on the left side, I was safe from questions like, how are you today? And what do you think about? And all these different things. And I could get lost in a daydream or lost in a book. My dad was not the kind of guy that would let me get lost in that situation.
He was consistently and lovingly inviting me to join him up toward the front, where we would have these seats that we called the talking seats. He would consistently, lovingly, tenaciously invite me into conversation, even on a short drive to the grocery store. He's looking for spots to connect. I discovered, Rodney, that if I was the person that asked the questions, then somebody else would do the talking. And I'd get out of doing the talking if I could get somebody else talking.
So full disclosure, that is how I wrote a book on questions, but that's how I got into it, was how do I get other people talking? Then along the way, I discovered, wait a second, I didn't know that. Wait a minute. I love hearing that. And that along the way, I was discovering how awesome people were, and that questions really were a fantastic tool to relate or discover or connect.
Now, as someone who's happily married, who has three kiddos that are preteen and younger, who works in communication spaces and wants to connect with people, I see that questions are a phenomenal tool to build those relationships. And not in a putting someone on the spot way or in grilling them way, but in a really curious, exploratory, open way to establish those relationships. Whenever we're listening to someone talking, we can be looking for the get-out clause.
We can be thinking, well, that's for someone else. That's not for me. And especially for those of us that are introverts, and I certainly count myself in amongst that number, we can be looking for a get-out clause and thinking, oh, well, asking all these questions, that's an extrovert thing. And when you walk into a room and someone's peppering you with questions, which I know is not what you're advocating, but when someone is, we think, no, no, that's what extroverts do.
And yet you mention in your book, you're an introvert. You've just mentioned it there. And I know that one of your podcast episodes talks to that as well. What is it about introverts that actually helps us if we are asking questions? Oh, I love that. Absolutely. I speak from what I know in this context. So speaking as an introvert, I see that often introverts are thoughtful, that they're not the first to speak up because they are pondering and collecting data.
It's not that we're shy or afraid of engaging. It's often that we're contemplating and taking in information. And if you ask an introvert a question, chances are they've thought about it. They've processed it through. I think that introverts are purposeful in that if we're waiting in line, we can be thinking about what we're going to be saying as we head to that cashier that's ready to check us out or that person that we're going to connect with.
There's an intentionality that is a beautiful thing that we can use as a strength. So you're talking about asking questions of people that we've never met. That seems like a very extrovert thing to do. But if we train ourselves, we can do that. What is important about actually engaging with people that we may never see again? Because most of us will engage with those people around about us, maybe the people that we work with, the people that we love in our family.
But what's important about engaging with those people, as I say, that we may never meet again? I love that question. I want to back up and quote one of my favorite guys ever, C.S. Lewis. He says that we have never spoken with a mere mortal.
And so every person that we're interacting with every day is someone made in the image of God and then reflecting his image and nature, however imperfectly or however clearly, there are these beautiful aspects of humanity that we see in someone that's made in the image of God. What's important about it is I'm speaking to you.
And when I remind myself that you are made in the image of God and that you bear his image, that is going to inform the posture that I have when I jump into a conversation with you.
If I do that with a complete stranger or with somebody that I know and love and maybe even am feeling frustrated with or that I'm jumping into a challenging conversation or I know it's going to be a hard conversation, when I back up and I remind myself, this is someone that's made in the image of God and is not a mere mortal, then that is going to inform how I even ask the question. Maybe what my posture is, maybe what my tone of voice is, maybe what my facial expressions are.
And then at another level, if I'm speaking to someone who is a believer in Jesus Christ, then I'm speaking to a fellow heir, a fellow person who is a child of God. It's as a child of God speaking to a child of God. And that also informs my conversation. Sometimes I can get myself in a rut that I'm speaking to my kid. So this is a me and them conversation with an authority-driven perspective.
When I think through that this is a conversation that I'm having with someone who is a child of God, that we both are joint heirs with Christ, that is going to totally change the conversation.
So to answer your question, when I recognize that I am entering into a conversation with someone who is made in the image of God and then potentially someone who is a child of God or will become one, then that's going to change the conversation and make me as an introvert, reach out and say, Hey, what's the best thing that's happened to you in the past 48 hours?
And if I have something ready already ahead of time, and I can ask that question, then I'm just available to see where God's going to take that conversation. It's a beautiful invitation to be included in what he's already doing. And the pressure is not on me to make something happen or to make it be an amazing conversation. Instead, it's simply tossing out a question and I can see where Jesus is going to take it.
I know that questions are important and having some questions ready is great, but what about listening? Because I know that often people will ask a question simply to get a response that they can then bounce off and talk more about themselves. We've all met those people.
So how do we make sure that when we ask a question, we're listening deeply and that we're ready to ask the second question, the third question, the fourth question that take us deeper, rather than just using that answer as an opportunity for us to have our say and share our experience. Wow. Yeah. Listening is one of the best gifts that we can give another human being. It's such a beautiful gift to be able to converse with someone and know this person is completely listening to me.
And then they're going to be able to have thoughts on this conversation. We know, don't we, Rodney, when someone is listening to us or not? I'm not a football fan. If we're watching a game and the game is on and somebody pretends like they're listening to me, but really they've got their whole brain and half an eye on the game that's going off on the side of the room. I know that.
And so every so often, if it's a really big game, you get a pass on active listening, but active listening is such a beautiful, beautiful gift that we can give someone else. One of the ways that I can get myself into that mode is to listen and then say, can you tell me more? Tell me more about that, that you just said.
And so as I'm asking that really simple question, can you tell me more about that specific thing, that story that you just told, that thing that you just referenced, then I'm showing them, hey, I'm actually listening to what you're saying, but I'm also kind of getting my mind engaged too, as I want to take that conversation deeper. Maybe you can tell me a couple of examples where you've used questions and you've seen a result that maybe you weren't even expecting. I love that.
I remember a time when I was going on a walk with my dad. We were literally on this walking path going around and around, and I knew I would never get off until we finished the conversation. Cause we were having that big, what are you going to be when you grow up conversation? And so many decisions in that late high school era needed to be decided on. I am so grateful that my dad was basically just asking me questions.
One of the things that he did, okay, I got to back up and just reveal that I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to decision making. I had these five different, literally five different career tracks that I could not decide on. And so I wrote a five-year plan for each one because then I could place myself down the road and imagine, okay, this is what it would look like if I were to do that.
And so as my dad asked me questions like, well, what's the greatest thing you could imagine if you were to pursue culinary arts, or if you were to pursue political science, or if you were to pursue history. And so he's asking me these questions and I was thinking, well, what would be the greatest thing that I can imagine? And we kind of talk about it as we were walking and go another loop around the thing.
Then he asked me another question, which was, okay, if you couldn't do that, what would you do instead? Every single time I would come up with, well, if I couldn't do that, what would I do instead? And I loved children's ministry and I loved history. What's the greatest thing I could imagine? Well, I'd write a history book for children. And that would be what that would look like. Well, what's the greatest thing that you could imagine? I mean, what would you do if you couldn't do that thing?
Like, well, I would write other history aspects of it. I love history. And so I'd write another aspect of that. Well, what's the greatest thing that you could imagine in the world of, at the time, three years into high school, Spanish. Spanish was a big thing. I've since lost all my Spanish. I would love to jump into a ministry in Mexico and what would you do there? And so I'd look at, talk about what that would be. Well, maybe I'd write a book and then we translate it.
Right. So anyways, I'm just kind of imagining and talking about these ideas. And he's asking these questions. Finally, he asked me a question that kind of unlocked everything because I had these five different careers that were all there. And I was trying to imagine and look at what it would be. And he said, well, what would you do if you couldn't write? And I remember I stopped walking and I turned to him and I was almost irritated. What do you mean? I can't write. I can't not write.
I had not ever made that connection because writing and communication was not on my five career options that I was pondering, but through clarifying questions, through gently probing my heart's desires and asking, well, what if he kind of helped me realize, well, what's that thing I cannot not do? So that launched off. Okay. Here's an internship at a ministry. Here's a focus in writing and what those next steps were. And then God expanded that to be communication.
And so, you know, started with graphic design and then got into publications and then got into production. But all that to say, yeah, those questions unlocked what my next steps were. And I love it because we weren't fully committed. If God directed somewhere else, that was okay. I'm not locked into a five-year plan, but asking questions, being curious, helped me realize that's the thing I cannot not do. That's what I'm going to do. And what are the odds?
Right now I'm actually working on a book that is related to history. So it's fun how things happen. It's interesting when we talk about this whole idea of asking questions, because it can just be a fun thing, getting to know someone, getting to unlock things like you've just mentioned there. But we also get to ask questions during difficult times. And I know that you relate a story that perhaps some people would have heard about the ball of magic yarn.
Maybe you could share a little bit about that story and then tell me what is it about questions that helps us to engage with that story? I discovered this story when I was a kid. It was the idea that one day a little boy was walking down a forest. And of course, it's a magical forest as all good stories happen. And he meets an old woman who gives him a magical ball of yarn. The idea is that every time this boy pulled out the end of the yarn, his life would skip forward.
And it would be like one of those out with the hard and with the fun. And whenever he bumped into a challenging circumstance, he could pull that yarn and be at the beginning of recess instead of at the beginning of a school test, at the beginning of Christmas instead of right in the middle of summertime. And so all that to say, as he got older, he discovered more and more reasons to just tug on this string just a little bit.
As his wife was going through labor, or his kids were having a hard time, or he was bumping into a work project, he could pull on this string and jump to the next thing on his timeline, so to speak. And before he knew it, he had reached this point where there's only this small amount of yarn left. His wife had grown old and his kids had left the house. They had not even left memories behind because he had skipped through it all.
And he realized that in his desire to skip through the difficult parts of life, that he'd skipped through life itself. So often we forget that the shockingly difficult and gaspingly beautiful moments of time are just woven together. And that's what makes life what it is. Those threads of string twist together to form yarn. And the thought that comes to mind, Rodney, is like, how often do I do that?
When I'm thinking of just the next stage, if I just grit through it right now and I get to the next stage of life, then I'll be where I'm supposed to be. Then I can start living my life. Then things are going to be different. Instead of really looking to say, where does God have me right now? And what does it look like to live presently, to live purposefully, to live engaged right here in the life that God has given me right now?
With an eye to the future, with gratitude for the past, but really wanting to jump into what God has for us today. And I think that God gives us that in Deuteronomy 6, when he's talking to parents specifically who are going to be talking to their kids. And he said, teach your children these things when you sit by the way and when you get up, when you lie down and walk in the way. And then as you're sitting down at the table, and there we go.
And so he's saying, talk about these things and everyday normal times in your day. And when we are available, when we're ready to jump in and have a good conversation and just say, hey, this is something that reminds me of what I've seen in scripture. Or this reminds me of a moment when we have that conversation, then we're really seizing the day. Because life is short and we want to be purposeful and we want to be engaged.
We realize that life is going to happen and the laundry is not going to wash itself, but how can we jump in and be purposeful and engaged and ask questions as we're living that one beautiful life that God has given us? You've mentioned that you're a mom, you've got kids, and I'm sure that you're asking them questions. I'm wondering about when kids hit that teenage stage and they don't want to answer anything and they get into that time where it's just grunts.
I guess you hinted already at how we actually deal with that in that your dad was fostering that question, that answer, those conversations well before you ever even reached that age. Is that part of the key? Absolutely. Absolutely. The subtitle of my book, The Question Habit, is The Art of Building Resilient Relationships One Question at a Time.
It's sourced from this idea that we don't have to feel like every conversation has to be a life-changing conversation, that every interaction has to be 10 out of 10. Instead, resiliency is ... I'm just starting to think of things in life that are resilient. Rubber bands are resilient. The Golden Gate Bridge is resilient. Suspension bridges are resilient. It doesn't mean that they don't have stress on them at all.
They're designed to absorb stress and be able to show up the next day despite the stress. That's what some parenting or family relationships are. Resiliency in that situation is knowing that someone's going to show up the next day, that my kiddo who does speak in grunts and monosyllabic, like single words there, I know that he knows that I'm going to show up and that I'm going to be there the next day. Maybe we'll have two sentences. You never know.
We've talked a fair bit about asking questions of other people, asking questions of people in our family, even people we don't know, but tell me about the power of asking God questions. Oh, my favorite. We have this book in the Bible, the Book of Psalms, that is 150 questions, really, and praises. These chapters that David and others wrote, the pages are splattered with big questions. Where are you, God? What were you thinking? Do you see what's happening?
David is asking these really big questions, and never does God give a response that says, stop asking those questions, or is there any sort of retribution or condescension or condemnation for asking questions? There's so much freedom that we see in that, that David asks questions and that we also can ask really, really, really big questions.
When we ask big questions, Rodney, I find that when I can find that question in scripture, it helps me, if I can, or if I am using the verses, the words that I find in the Bible to ask those questions, then it helps direct my heart because I know I'm asking those questions from a really safe place. Because David was the guy that said, God, why are you hiding when I'm in trouble? I'm not going to offend God with a question that he hasn't been asked already.
An unspoken question is still going to be in my heart. When I'm taking my questions to God, I know that I'm taking them to a really safe place. Then I can say, God, this is how I'm feeling. This is what I've got going on. What do you think? If we were having a conversation like that, and I told you, Rodney, this is what's in my heart. This is what I'm feeling. What do you think? I would actually wait for an answer, right? I would want to hear what you have to say. I'd be asking you.
In my relationship with God, because God is a person, when I say, God, this is how I'm feeling, what do you think? The blinding flash of the obvious is that I should actually wait for his answer, and that I should be ready to hear his answer. Then I can look for that in the Bible and see. But to let it be a two-way conversation instead of me just making it a one-way conversation or a one-way diatribe.
When was it you decided to take this lifetime of experience of questioning and put it into this book? Several years ago, I was having a conversation with my husband. I'm so grateful for him. Peter is so many strengths of my needs for strength. I joke that he's the PC and I'm the Mac, and he's the nerd and I'm the artist. I'm so grateful for that.
In the process of identifying dreams and goals, he said, hey, I would support it if you were to set aside time on a Saturday to go work on this thing that you're talking about. That's how it started. I would go out for a couple hours on a coffee shop. It started by looking at names of God in the Bible and how God revealed himself in scripture. It was a Bible study. Then I realized, wait, there's so many questions alongside this revelation of God.
I started going and seeing the questions in the Bible and then seeing how all these questions actually pointed us to the fact that God made us to be curious, that he invites questions, and that we can learn from it. Not only is it this interesting and intriguing Bible study, but this is something that actually helps my relationship with my kid. It helps my relationship as a co-worker. That makes me a better business owner. That's how it started for me, and I've been grateful for the adventure.
You mentioned earlier that there is one thing that you couldn't imagine yourself not doing, and that is writing. That really comes out as you read the book. You're really drawn in. It's more like a conversation, which I guess is what you're trying to do as a communicator. Using the medium of writing, you're trying to communicate. You're trying to invite people into a conversation, and it does feel very conversational.
I'm sure that if people are thinking, well, it's a book full of questions, they're going to be very pleasantly surprised. What's been the response so far as people have started to read through the book? My favorite thing to hear is somebody who said, hey, I read your book, or I read a chapter from your book, or I read a section. Then I went and I walked around the block with my spouse, and we had a conversation because my heart was ready to hear what he had to say.
Another favorite is a group of amazing individuals who go on short-term mission trips. They've recognized that they want to use questions to establish relationships. They have read this book, and they are in the process of using ideas from it to engage with people cross-culturally and engage with people to have Jesus-focused conversations. Then also to have conversations on their team as they have team members that are all getting together for these missions outreaches.
It's been really neat and delightful to hear what these conversations are. I am the first to say that as that person that always feels like I come up with the idea after the fact, right? I'm like, oh, I should have said that. That would have been a great thing to say. I love just having some conversation starters on a OneNote file or Notes file on my phone so I can pull them out and I can reference them.
That's another way that this book started was just a collection of questions that I needed to be ready to ask someone. I was like, I want to ask these questions. I want to find out. Collecting those together in a way. It's been fun to hear how people have done that as they've added to their own question file and been ready to listen, ready to ask questions, and ready to see where Jesus is going to take a conversation.
Before we move on, I just want to touch on that idea of keeping a list of questions because some people might think that, well, that's a little bit contrived, isn't it? That you've got this list of questions that you're going to ask people, and yet it actually shows that you care enough even before you meet someone that you want to be able to engage well. It's the same as people who keep forgetting each other's names.
Going into a social setting and it's like, I know I'm not going to remember names, and so you note them down. It doesn't show that you don't care for that person. It actually shows I know I've got a bad memory, and I really want to remember that person's name. So how important is it that we put those things in place rather than just expecting ourselves to come up with this amazing conversation every time? Well, Rodney, you're such a great example of this, right?
Because I can tell in this conversation, you have prepared for this conversation. You've thought it through. You have an idea of what questions you want to ask, and you're fluid with it. You're okay if the conversation goes somewhere else, but you're at the ready with those questions. That makes me feel appreciated and welcomed and delighted to jump into a conversation.
These are just feelings that I'm experiencing right now because of the questions that you're asking and the fact that you have pre-thought out questions. That's a gift that we can give other people. If I'm going to jump into a mentoring type meeting with someone, if I'm saying, hey, can I meet you for coffee?
If I have a list of questions that are ready ahead of time, then first of all, it values their time and it communicates to them, this person actually values the time and the expertise that you're willing to share. Then it increases my odds of continuing that relationship past a one-off. Because if not, if it's kind of a dud conversation, then that's that.
But if they know I prepared for this, I'm ready for it, I want to know what are the top five books that have helped you get to where you are in your career, or what should I know if I want to head that direction? When I ask those questions and I'm ready for it, it communicates, oh, there's purpose here. I'm ready for it. There's a whole range of things that you've been involved in and time won't allow us to go through at all.
But I do want to touch on your podcast because many people are busy and they don't have the opportunity to add another podcast to the list. Yet your podcast is one that gives people those short bites. It gives people an opportunity within nine minutes, 10 minutes to be able to just take something in and move through the day. What was your thought behind creating that podcast? Yeah, thanks so much for bringing it up.
It's called Presently Engaged and it's short, friendly, Jesus-focused encouragement to live intentionally right where you are. I had these different thoughts.
I was bumping into these different thoughts that were kind of more devotional in nature that I would share in a blog format or in an Instagram format, in a short format, thinking through, well, what would be an effective way to actually communicate these thoughts to people that are just like you said, on the go and busy and purposeful and engaged, ready for encouragement, but they're moving to their next thing. Yeah, they are. They're short and friendly.
They're about six to eight minutes long and it's a devotional thought and then a section of scripture that supports you. At the end, you feel encouraged and then you have a scriptural foundation that goes with it and you're ready. It's like the right length for a walk around the block or driving to work. That's the idea behind it. Mandy, I mentioned that you're involved in a whole range of other things and you've touched there on the blogging, but there's so much more.
If people want to find out a bit more about you and engage with you, where's the easiest place for them to find you? I'd say the easiest spot is thequestionhabit.com, which is the name of my book, thequestionhabit.com. From there, you can jump off to my podcast, my blog, my book and different things like that.
If you want to download your own questions that could get it started, I have some up there that are just free and available to start the next conversation where there's a whole collection of hundreds of questions that you can download and save them on your phone and have them ready for the next big chat. I will put links in the show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find you easily and can find the book easily. Mandy, it's been a delight to chat to you.
Thank you so much for your time today on Bleeding Daylight. Thank you so much and thank you for your questions. Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight. Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode with others. For further details and more episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net.