284: Get Your Guy with Anwar White

Hello. Thanks for coming back for part two. This is the continuation of our conversation with Anwar. We hope you enjoy. If you didn't hear last week, just go back and listen to that first. But yeah, really great episode and I'm excited for you all to hear. Love you. Hey, group chat. I know y'all see my text. There's tea to be spilled. Each week we're bringing you our unfiltered take on culture, news, dating, and our lives as black millennial women.

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Switching gears a little bit, you mentioned online dating a little bit earlier and kind of to even tie together what you're saying about like black men and kind of where where black women are societally when i'm on these apps some of these people that i'm seeing i'm like there's just no way in the world and i'm willing to try lots of different things but i'm definitely like at a certain status in my life and i get these like you should really meet such and such and i'm like i should y'all

think this is my match that's kind of crazy but really my bigger question is what advice do you give the women that you work with to not have fatigue using the apps and to feel like, motivated to even continue because i find like a lot of the small talk like very laborious and kind of boring and i'll respond like twice and then i forgot that i even matched with the person and i'm over it and i've not been on the app like i just responded

to somebody that i matched with in november i was like oh shit no girl i forgot about that i forgot i forgot i hadn't opened the map hadn't opened the app since november not november girl no yes because i just have moments I'll be like, oh, what's on the app? Okay. And then I like forget that I'm on it because I like don't really care. And I don't like meeting people on apps because I have, I just, I have no reason to be interested if you're on the app because I don't know you.

It's a great question. I will say it's January now.

These first three weeks of January, I consider are the Super Bowl of online dating. So you need to be on there because you're going to have 30, 40% more people on these apps because it's a new year. to new them and they want new love. So this would be the time to actually maximize. That's why most of my clients in the end of March, early April are often getting their guys because they maximize this time. So I'm glad that you're coming back on. Stay on for that month.

Try to make it happen, honey. You need to have boundaries when you're online dating. So I always tell my clients like 10 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes in the evening. Don't let it run you. You have to run these apps. And so your boundaries have to be really strong when it comes to that. A lot of of women that I work with, because they're smart and successful, they go hard in the paint, right? So it's 100% or nothing. I'm saying, girl, it's a marathon. It's not a sprint. So go 60.

Yeah. So what I find a lot is that you mentioned a couple of things, and I think it's multifaceted. One, people do this start and stop thing because of what you were saying. But I want to offer that the start and stop happens because we get triggered and we don't know how to necessarily manage that. And the work that I do with my clients is to figure out, okay, so what's going on and why is this affecting you so much, right? What's the origin story?

What are the thoughts that you're having in this situation, right? And why is it hitting that tender spot and managing Managing and acknowledging and healing those areas so those things don't bother you, right? Because if you can't manage those things on the online apps, please understand that when you're in a relationship, it's times 10 because you actually care, right? right? And when you're triggered all the time, that will create disconnection in your relationships when you do get into it.

So that's why I say that dating is such an opportunity for healing. That's number one. Number two, you talked about small talk, which I think is really interesting. And this is one of the reasons why I'm a dating coach for Black and Brown women specifically. What I have learned is that. Oftentimes, Black women split themselves. They are one way with parents, one way with friends, one way at work, one way with men.

And it can get really exhausting to continue to split yourself, and you give like 60% of yourself to everybody. The work and what I help my clients do is help them to combine all of those split parts, right, that sometimes we have to code switch, it so that we don't have to feel like we're faking the funk and we don't have to feel like we're putting on a face because that's the exhausting part, right?

Guess what? You don't have to ask lame questions about their hometown or how many sisters or brothers that they have. You can talk about whatever the hell you want to talk about. And I actually want to encourage you to do that, right? If one of my clients was a math teacher in Boston and she was very much into sci-fi and So one of her questions was, do you believe in aliens? Right. And then we would talk about that because that's what she cared about.

I always tell my clients, like, whatever you were on the phone talking about with your best friend, those are the sorts of subjects and conversations that I want you to have on these apps. It doesn't have to be small talk.

You can and that's not scary because that's that's another question i had how soon do you jump into like real topics like how you feel about money how you feel about religion how you feel about like real things is that a first date is that a second date is that that's going to be different for every woman but the reason why you said scary is because we're not used to being vulnerable we're not used to sharing our feelings and

sharing different aspects of ourselves it It feels scary because maybe we're not in practice of it. The important part about feeling secure and safe when we are being vulnerable is having the boundaries to back it up when it doesn't feel safe anymore. When someone tries to use your vulnerability against you, it is through your boundaries that you exit left, right? And if we don't feel fully confident in our boundaries, that's when it isn't

safe. So that's why I was talking about earlier vulnerability and boundaries. Very important as you're navigating your dating journey. I think that's valid, like knowing when it's not going to work, when this is not your match. And I wonder what your opinion is of that, because a lot of times we hear about compromise. Every relationship has a level of compromising, right? But at what point is it like, no, this is not a compromise. It's not a match. Does that make sense? I think it's important.

You know, you'll never hear me talk about red flags. I don't talk about those. Because I think that red flags are focused on what's happening on the external, what he's doing. And I actually want the ladies that I work with and your audience to think about what's happening inside and how you are feeling, right? That's why it's so important to be aligned with your feelings because your feelings will connect you to your intuition and your intuition will never lead you astray, right? Right.

So I think that understanding how things feel is going to be really important and navigating when to step away and when not to. Right. If you're focused on making a judgment versus a feeling, the judgment is often coming from like a trigger that you probably or something that you need to navigate. But if you're feeling a certain kind of way, that is when we have to let it go. Right.

But that requires being able to check in with ourselves. And many of us aren't really in the practice of doing that. Mm hmm. Yeah. Do your do your clients work with you to find their man and then or woman and then that's the end? Or do you kind of stick with them through the beginning dating process? So. In my VIP program, roughly 80, 85% of the women that I work with are getting their guy, right? And so I also have like a private program after that, that is really focused on relationships.

Like tonight, I'm going to be working with all of my ladies that are in relationships, right? Because, and we definitely, for any woman in my program that gets in a relationship, we will support them for at least that first month, because that is the month where we We want to do all the self-sabotaging and nitpick and try to fight because we don't feel like we deserve to be in that relationship.

So even if they're like, get their guy at the very end of the program, we always support them for an additional month to make sure that we're helping them navigate through that. But I do have a relationship program to help my clients learn how to be in relationship in a very healthy way. Because many of them, most of their relationships, if they have them in the past, weren't necessarily the healthiest.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I imagine, you know, it's all fun to date, but then to actually be in a relationship, it's like a different muscle because it's, you know, you might have a disagreement. How do you handle that disagreement? Like, you know, things come up. It's not just... I always tell them that's when the real work starts. Right. Exactly. Dating is child's play.

What do you say, because you work with women who are often successful and like in their careers, who feel like they don't have time? Like another example I'll give is matched with someone on an app and it took us like a month to go on a date because I was away. Then he had something to do. And then I had like six things to do. Does that, do you see that come up? A little bit, but the women that I work with really do make it a priority. You have to make it a priority. And here's what I know.

I know that if you're single and you're successful, then your current boyfriend is your job. And if you're giving a lot of time to that entity, you can also give a bit of time to dating. I always tell people that are interested in working with me, you're going to need to, you know, five to 10 hours a week. That's what it's going to require. Yeah.

Yeah wild i think that's valid especially if you what's wild about that is it is it is valid it is, i'm just like where the gag is that you probably doing overtime and working five to ten hours at your job and you probably don't need to be working that much so you can reallocate that time into investment of yourself and in your dating life yeah i also, I wonder because we had we had like the girl boss era.

And now what I'm seeing a lot of online is like trad wife, soft life, those kinds of things. Are you seeing a lot of your uber successful women who actually want to partner with someone to no longer have to be in this, you know, working frame of mind, they want to be a stay at home wife, for example? I have some clients that are like that, but here's the thing. If you want a soft life, you have to be soft. And what that means is that you have to live that lifestyle before you find your person.

It doesn't just automatically start when you find your guy, right? This is a mentality. This is a mindset. mindset so if you're working at 9 or 10 p.m you don't have the mindset for a soft life yet right a soft life is about boundaries it's about the essence of feminine energy and making sure that the first and foremost about what you are focused on is your own pleasure and that is something that you can do before you find your guy and that's what i help my clients do Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Wow. It seems like there's a lot of self-work that is in a part of this, like, before you can even be good at dating or be successful at dating. Yeah. Do you believe in soulmates? The idea of soulmates? Because you have been saying, like, you're person. Yeah. Yeah. I think that we have multiple soulmates in our lifetime. And I think that oftentimes what happens, I actually think that the concept of a soulmate is disempowering for a lot of women.

And it actually makes them want to focus on one guy. And I tell my clients, I want you dating at least three guys. I call it Olympic dating. I want you to have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medalist, right?

But if you're focused on a soulmate, oftentimes women will take that and just focus on one guy and date one guy and think that he's the one and be very solely focused which creates a lot of scarcity love mindset that's what i call it right quite as it's kept i actually think that your best friend that you've known forever is probably your soul mate but does that mean that that ends up being your person though. I mean, I don't know. I think it's different for everybody, right?

But I think that the concepts can be quite limiting, right? Because you're ever evolving and changing. And the idea that you all are going to change together in a similar way, I think is a bit unrealistic. I'm seeing this word love behind you. And

I wonder if you think that is like a part of the the human experience like does everyone do you think everyone needs a partner or to find love or i'm seeing more women who are like actually i want to live golden girl style i don't want a man ever that is the future of dating actually you know and that's why i was saying it's going to be a little bit harder with ai and vr and you're seeing it now a lot of men are engaging with women on like OnlyFans and like mentally thinking that those

women are their girlfriends, right? And so some of that will happen on the women's side, but most of the time what you will see is, and you probably had this conversation with your best friends, girl, let's just get two houses right next to each other and we're just going to live together forever, right? So yes. And I have have a Golden Girls little artwork here too, right? Lots of women are going to have that set up. I think that love comes in a variety of different ways.

And what I love about love is that it doesn't have to be romantic. That ultimately what I have found is that, at least this is my opinion, but I think that the true essence of love is being able to experience. How much capacity you have to give to another person or another being, right? So like you have a lot of mothers that like, and if you have children, you know that those first three months or six months are crazy and it's pure love.

And the reason why is because you are actually able able to see the capacity that you have to hold all of that love inside of you right which is like very different so i think that's like the true essence of love and that can happen with a child with a partner with a best friend with a parent with a pet yeah for sure i also had a question about it came up earlier in our conversation about boundary setting and you know in the first,

moments or the first few dates kind of like almost like teaching someone how to treat you is that your belief that you can teach someone how to treat you or should they already know because i've seen like that online like you can't teach someone they know they're going to treat you how they treat you like.

How do you feel about that? I think it is important when you are dating to sit back and observe and see what their homeostasis is, their home training. Because they either have home training or they don't. And you can't make someone naturally become a person that they are not, right? For me, the inflection point in the courtship process is date three. Because roughly 97% of the guys that you interact with will never get to a date three.

So after that, that is when I think it is important to share what you would prefer, what you would like, set boundaries after that period, not before. So my answer is somewhere in the middle, right? Right. Yeah. And are you coaching your ladies, especially the black ones, on how to do it, especially since there are so many stereotypes about like angry black woman, she's nagging you. Like, is there a way to do that? Is there a way to tell someone I would prefer you do this versus that?

Most definitely. I mean, in my program, like I was saying before, because many of us are not taught how to date and taught how to do all of these things. We go from 101 to AP, right? In vulnerability and boundaries and all of that stuff. And we practice that language. We role play, right? Which is really important. Like most recently, one of my clients went back to Nigeria and she had never set a boundary with her mother before.

And if you can't set boundaries with your parents, you're never going to set boundaries with men.

So we role play significantly how do we set that boundary okay what if she does this okay what if she does that how do you navigate that right and so really understanding and getting one with the language boundaries both practice and then in the moment is really helpful and that's definitely do that with all of my clients yeah i love that i had a sort of completely random question in that week right so that's that's the sort of transformational things that will happen you know as you continue to

put this work into practice yeah go ahead chelsea i was going to switch gears so you won't you should yeah i was going to switch gears too completely just a small random thing because you were talking about like the three dates and i was curious if you have thoughts on like what a good grounds for a first date is you know there's conversations around like don't take her a coffee or like our cocktails like not enough or like too informal and then people start drinking do you want to go to a full

dinner with someone i don't know any thoughts.

Yeah, I'm a huge fan of coffee dates or drink dates or ice cream or walks. For me, it should be informal. And this is like, do I want to get to know you more? And did I laugh and have a good time? Yeah. And guess what? The guy is feeling the exact same way. And I think a lot of women, specifically Black women, feel like it's quote unquote low effort suffered because this is the way that they're establishing whether he's a brokey or not.

And they've dealt with a lot of men who are broke, specifically Black men, no shade. So this is also something that they do to try to protect themselves. This is a money wound that you need to heal though, right? Because the gag is that most wealthy guys, rich guys, they don't invest in things that don't have an ROI. And so they are going to do their due due diligence, and they will be more apt to take you on a drinks date or a coffee date before they roll out the red carpet for you, right?

It is the men who are trying to impress you, right? Trying to bias you into making you think highly of themselves on the first date that are actually a bit more dangerous. Oftentimes, toxic and narcissistic guys will do that more more often than not, right? So that you are enamored with them, right? The love bombers will do that. When in reality, regular guys that are healthy and secure in themselves don't feel like they have to climb over your walls or overly impress you.

They're just trying to get to you. Yeah. And what are your thoughts on ghosting? If you had a first date that just

wasn't a vibe and like you both knew it. What do you mean? Do you have to say like, Like, hey, I don't think it was a match. I don't want to see you again. Or can you just stop talking to them? Or yeah, like if you both mutually, you can just kind of tell that you both knew it wasn't a vibe. Like it just didn't. Well, it doesn't really matter what he thinks. It matters what you think, right? So if you're not feeling it, definitely I would say communicate it.

Now, if you feel in danger or unsafe, I would block immediately. Block immediately with a smile. Yeah. Always. I just... I wanted to change gears a little bit because I see that you love reality TV. Is there a reality TV couple that you think is ideal doing it right? For me, it used to be Kyle and Mauricio, and now they're breaking my heart. I love them. I wonder if you have one. Oh, my God. This is such a good question. One of the best questions I've ever had. Oh, my God.

This is so good. I have to think about my housewives that I love because I think couples that are doing it well. Let me come back to you on that one. Yeah. I want to think about that a little bit more. This is such a good question. But I have like some like couples from like 90 Day Fiance are like really, really good. Really?

David and Annie. I don't know if you are familiar with that show, but they're really good. I like them. I like that they fully accept themselves because love is all about acceptance and accepting who that person is and not trying to change them. And I feel like they do such a great job of that. So like David and Annie, he met her in the Philippines or Vietnam. I need to check out David and Annie. Love them. Love them.

Yeah, you're right. I was trying to think of others, but it was Kyle and Mauricio

for me always too. You know? Always. Maybe Wendy and Herman. I don't know. I don't really watch Potomac like that, though. Happy Eddie. They're cute. I can't read your face, Coach Anwar.

I just remember from 90 Day Fiancé, there was a Trinidadian Muslim woman and then a guy. And she came to America and he and he like tried to pretend that he lived in a shack and picked her up in an old rickety car. And she was like, it was like a test. Yeah, that was disgusting. Don't play around. But they're still married. He's changed. He got his he got called out.

Yeah. And so everyone was like, you're a narcissist. So now he's like kind of, because he's a narcissist, he hates the fact that his reputation was ruined. So he's changed his face. Well, hey, it worked. Yeah, definitely. Well, I want to hear your housewives' favorite person, but I know you're still thinking about that. You might have to come back to us. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll have to come back to you. because honestly a lot of them don't have great relationships i know they say it's a curse of the show the housewives curse yeah yeah i definitely i have to think about that one pk and dorit are not together anymore right no i think they're still together having issues oh yeah no she's i heard that she had like a side dude because they used to make me laugh together they seem that they have like a understanding

in their own way okay my my last question since you i didn't know this before but since you do work with couples in terms of or women while they're actually dating what about cheating is that the end of the relationship for you. So one of the things that I think is really important to understand is you will know a lot about a guy based on where he is while you are being courted, right? So oftentimes guys who cheat aren't happy with their lives and aren't happy with where they are.

And oftentimes it is related to their job. So if he isn't happy with his job, if he doesn't feel empowered or in control, if he feels unstable. He probably will cheat to make himself feel good about himself. I always talk about novelty, which is like finding new things.

So if a guy doesn't have a lot going on in his life, like he's not experiencing new things, if he is pretty close minded and doesn't really allow for your own, your perspective, like, you know, those guys like either online or they're not trying to hear anybody. They're like, no, this is how I think. And I think guys that are at the far right and far left are very much like that. They have a higher propensity to cheat because their life is not new.

And they will need newness to feel alive. live, right? To answer your question directly, that is something that you want to be evaluating during the courtship phase, right? And his self-actualization, right? If he is still trying to prove things or not, because guys that are self-actualized don't feel like they have to prove things. They don't feel like they have to impress anyone and they are content. Yeah. I feel like I could talk to you literally forever because now I'm starting

to think about poly relationships since that's, become such a thing now? Do you have clients that are interested in that? Or are you like, I don't work with women that are interested in poly relationships. Okay. No judgment to that. But I think it's important to understand that. And this is such a phenomenon for the Black community specifically, because there are 100 Black women to 88 Black men. And in the big cities, That actually increases. So you have 20% more Black women to Black men.

And so in cities like Atlanta, D.C., Proper, and Houston, you see a lot more poly relationships because men have most of the power in those cities. So they can actually, they have six to eight women chasing them at all times. So they don't have to be nice to you. They don't have to treat you with respect. They can have two or three of you and that's fine. Right? Because there's the numbers and the gender ratio is so off. This is why I tell Black women that I need you to date everybody.

Body like legitimately there are not enough black men for black women yeah right so someone's gonna have to right so that's that's fair i think i just get frustrated with the rhetoric online where it like kind of puts white men on this pedestal and i find that i see that from women who have never actually dealt with white men i have and i'm like there's still men like i don't know why you're putting them on this pedestal. Like, I don't think they're any better than our men, quote unquote.

Yeah. I mean, I don't necessarily think one race is better than the other, but I will say that there are different and unique lived experiences and there are different privileges that come with the partner that you have. But for the women that want to to have a more softer, more privileged life, you may have that with a non-Black man versus a Black man more. Now, that's not, I mean, based on what the world and society is, oftentimes that is the truth.

So I don't really think that white men are better than Black men. Like I always say, I want you to find your person, whoever that is and whatever package that that comes in. But I think that we would be playing ourselves to think that other race of men don't have more privileges than Black men. And that relates to your potential life with your partner.

Yeah. I have a white partner myself. There are some things that I let him handle because I know that he's going to get a better result than I would. Interesting. Interesting. Like when we travel internationally, I let him deal with all the border stuff, right? I don't want to be questioned. That's just real.

Yeah, that's real. Right? Yeah. I wonder, have you experienced women who like tried it for the first time and they were like, oh, now I'm feeling like I have to bend and contort myself to be able to be with this person who is so different from me? I think that to be successful in dating, it can't be forced, right? Right.

And so if there's anything that I want to teach my clients, it's like I want them to trust themselves. I want them to try new and different things. Right. So that they can make the determination about whether it's for them or not. But ultimately, if it doesn't feel good, that's the barometer. And we got to go. I love that. I feel like that's also a beautiful way to end the wrap. If it doesn't feel good, that's the barometer. I love that.

Exactly. Trust your intuition. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for joining us. I feel like our listeners are going to love this episode. I learned a lot from your having a conversation.

Where can our listeners follow you and keep up? yeah so you can go to my tiktok at dating coach anwar a-n-w-a-r or if you're interested in working with me you can go to my website getyourguycoaching.com i also have a podcast called the get your guy coaching podcast where i spill all this tea um on each and every episode. Music. Awesome thank you so much coach anwar yes thank you so much,

Thanks again for listening to Black Girls Texting. Make sure to rate and review this podcast wherever you listen and subscribe so you never miss an episode. Oh, and don't forget to text every group chat you're in and tell them to check us out. Follow your girls at Black Girls Texting. Music.