Don't Get Mad, Do Something!

Um, I was two days shy of my 38th birthday and, um, interestingly enough, I was actually coming out of a networking event. Um, I actually helped, um, a dear friend. Um, uh, so I was supporting her for this networking event. She was leading. And, um, I remember, um, during the event, I was sort of feeling a little bit off. Um, and, um, you know, my, my partner, my now fiance, um, was, um, you know, he brought, he brought me home. Um, and.

You know, kind of, I laid down and all of a sudden, um, the stroke just kind of happened and, um, and it was very odd. It was a really weird experience. It was, it was. Somewhat. Out of body in a number of ways. Um, I found myself watching myself floating above, um, As you know, but I was still in my body. It was just such a Surreal experience and. You know, my partner was kind of at, you know, he was, he was. Talking to me and I, I just couldn't respond.

I couldn't, I didn't know exactly what was going on. Of course I knew that it was a strange experience for sure. Um, and this was at night time. So this was on the night of July 1st. Um, I kind of snapped out of it in some weird way. I don't know exactly what or how or what, why this happened and and how it how it manifested, but, um, long story short, um, I did fall asleep. Um, and part of it is, you know, I just didn't have the awareness. I didn't know that I could have had a stroke.

Um, And so when I woke up the following morning, my, um, fiance had left for work. And I couldn't use my phone. I didn't know how to use it. Um, you know, and, and I don't know if you know, but with, you know, the iPhone you've got, you know, kind of a tactile. Slides and things like that. So this was, you know, post. posts the, like the button, right. I didn't have the button anymore.

So I had like the screen that basically had you know, um, the, the the slide so long story short is I, my mother was calling and I couldn't figure out how to use my phone. I, and so she was calling and calling and calling and I just didn't know what to do. So I was like pressing buttons on the side and I. I just kinda, I kinda gave up, I kept trying because she just kept calling and obviously she knew, you know, mother's instinct um, something was really wrong.

Um, so I kind of just left it and I was really slow that morning. I was really tired, really, really tired could like just couldn't wake up. Um, so, um, after I and again, like you don't even realize this when this is kind of happening, especially after having fallen asleep, that's kind of the Cardinal sin when you have a stroke is falling asleep. Um, So I, you know, I, I, I kind of went out, tried to go about my day. I tried to make coffee right?

Which is the thing that, you know, I did every morning. Didn't know how to use my, my coffee maker had no idea. Did not know how, what on earth? The concur. I knew what it was, but I just didn't know. What to do about it. Um, and that's when I was kind of like, This is really weird, you know? Cause it's like, It was just so. Uh, it was just so surreal and so bizarre. I remember it being such a bright day.

Yeah, bright and so, um, long story short after I realized that I kind of sat down because I just didn't really know what to do. Finally, my mother got in touch and I was very, I was my, my, my, my speech was really impaired. Um, And, uh, and so I was only able to respond and, you know, just like one word, two words. Um, And then she called my partner. And then he, then I, then he came home and we went to the hospital. And so that was on the 2nd of July.

Um, when I went to the hospital, um, you know, I because my, my, my speech was impaired and I didn't know how to tell a story. I didn't know how to talk, um, in a way that was meaningful. Um, you know, I remember being in the hospital. And, you know, um, my partner being with me and there all these doctors and residents I think that that kept coming in and out and asking me what happened, what happened, what happened? And I just. I was like, I was at a networking event.

Like, I don't know you know, and it was clear that I was impaired. But ultimately, um, after you know, about several I don't know I don't even know. I don't remember how many people came in um, the ultimate decision maker was the doctor on call that basically. Um, sent me home. And so when I didn't receive that care. I just kind of was like, well, okay. I guess I'm fine. You know? Yeah. And so my birthday came and went don't remember it. Um, that was the next day.

Um, Uh, I remember sitting and for, for like the next five years I was sitting. Just like on my couch. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to move. I didn't know where to go. I didn't. But I remember being so blissfully unaware, like in this like Nirvana, almost like, ah, things are happening, but I don't know what's really happening. Um, and so long story short.

Um, after about five days I told my partner, I was like, I've got a, I think I have to go back to the hospital because nothing's improving and I don't know what's going on. And so we w you know, we went back to the hospital. That was on the seventh. So six days after my stroke, um, I was, I was admitted. Um, and they found the, they found that I had the stroke, um, through an MRI.

And so, um, The story is such that, um, you know, it's heartbreaking in a number of ways because had I received the care, um, and I don't know exactly the what and the why. Um, you know, I can't really yeah express why those things happened when they did and why I was sort of take it turned away. I think a lot of it does have to do with the fact that I was young. I think that we were in the, in the, in the midst of a pandemic.

I think that, you know, there were a lot of kind of resources that we're just over, over utilized. I think there were a lot of things that were happening at that moment, um, that kind of contributed to, um, this experience. And so, you know, after I you know, I was, uh, it was obvious, you know, again, that I thought it was my, my MPA, my speech was impaired.

And, um, and then they put me, they, you know, they basically put me right into, into speech therapy, but, um, you know, six weeks of speech therapy is not nearly enough when you're bre brain rebuilding neural pathways when you're, you know, um, when, when nobody really knows why this happened, you know, nobody really knows. And we have, you know, we have our suspicions, but. I'm not going to go into that right now. It's a whole other question.

And I think that's something that's so new and so different for each individual that has some kind of brain injury and even a stroke, right? Like right now it's February, but March is coming soon, pretty soon and all the different types of brain injuries and how they happen in. How did you even know that was happening to you? Like it's just so much to learn about.

Um, so I did want to like, thank you so much for sharing it because a lot of it, I didn't even hear about it before and you're sharing that too. Uh, wider, like, you know, um, audience. So, yeah. Thank you so much about that.

I got the opportunity of a lifetime for the, with this, with this uh, for, for this job, because my resume was up to date and obviously I have you know, my, my, my life prior to the stroke was wonderful storied in so many ways. And I'm so grateful that I got to live that first part of my life. Um, those, those first 38 years really, um, I did a lot. I did a lot and I'm, and I had an incredible kind of experiences career wise. I had incredible experience traveled everywhere.

I mean, I did wonderful things and I'm so grateful. Um, and S but like when it comes to, you know, trying to get back to back, what you think you, sorry. We, we had it's ju it just takes a different it's a different beast and it's not a bad beast, it's just a different beast. It's. It's something that is hard, but it shows us like how tenacious we can be, how resourceful we can be and you, and you're constantly, you know, when with all of these adversities that we face, we face with our own.

Inda an invisible disability where we look fine, but you know, and everybody kind of thinks, oh, well you look recovered. You look fine.

I couldn't accept the fact that I was going to have to do recovery for years, not a couple of months, years to be able to walk again. Right? Or run again. So it's so different to like lose who you were, right?. I worked, I had a very good social life. I have, I still have, but it's different, but I had like a whole network, a whole village of people that I love that loved me. That you know, lived walking steps from me.

Um, that's supported me in everything, whether they want to wake up at five in the morning and run with me. Or they want to stay out until five in the morning I go out with me, right? Like I had a whole different life and I loved it. I there's nothing that I didn't like about it. I lived a healthy life in Chicago. I lived a crazy life in Chicago. Like, you know, everything and I loved it and having this stroke yeah. I had a re like basically rewire my who I am. Right?

And it was, it was very difficult and I wasn't at a moment, I wasn't even accepting it. Like I was like, nah, I'm going to run a marathon again. A couple months. It's March and I'm going to do it in October. Like. You know,

Um, Two and a half years later, you know, I'm still trying to figure out like what, you know, where my gaps are, right. From a, even from an interviewing perspective, right? Like, How do I tell a story in a way that's impactful? How do I tell a story that you know, where, where people will want to listen? You know, what will will w where. You know, they'll and also, what do I want to share and what do I not want to share? Right.

Like, that's the other thing too, is that it's just, it's so challenging when you're, and especially if you're dealing with specific types of um, you know, Uh, I guess symptoms following your brain injury. You know, one of the things that I really struggle with is executive dysfunction and, you know and concentration. Those are really my big ones and PTSD. You know, those are the things that just come right when you have a traumatic experience, but also when your brain has been.

Rejiggered, right? Yeah. And so, um, and the fact is, is that we're constantly trying to rebuild those things, right? Like we're trying to like. You know, where as that, and I, and I hate to say it this way, because this may be somewhat triggering, but like where that part of my brain died. There are other parts of my brain that like, want to to do something different in that part of the ear. Uh, that, that area, you know what I mean?

Cause if they're listening to us, it's for a reason, But, oh my goodness is it hard to like talk to our mother who it might be easy to talk to or our friends, it should be, but they knew who we were before and how do I explain, like, What I don't want to talk about and why I don't want to talk about it. Right? Like, I don't want to explain that today is just not a good day. Why is it a, not a good day? I have no idea why it's not a good day, but but I just woke up like this.

And it's so hard to explain like, well, you should be happy because life goes on like, yes, I should be and I am very thankful and very grateful. But today I just woke up in not a good mood. Like something must've happened during my sleep right? And it's so hard to explain it, you know?

Without seeing some negativity, and it's hard to have those conversations with people that you love and that knew you before before your, your, your accident or your experience, so the stroke, whatever you want to call it, right? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So it's difficult. Um, but I did also want to know more about like, How you are here today, right? Like how did you hear from us? And in all honesty, like knowing your experience. Like I said, it's completely different.

Um, I just got placed in in Texas, because I had to right but you didn't. And I mean, you had whole life before Texas. And how did you get here? And how did you hear about BIND and who are you today?

So, um, so basically this started my journey, which was like, Taking what I already knew about myself and like double, triple quadrupling down. One of the things that I've always really, um, thought about or have known about myself is that I tend to be, I'm very timid, tenacious, and, um, I generally am a very resourceful. So on this journey, I started to you know, look at where my, like, what I needed.

And so when I decided that I wanted to basically do something different when I wanted to like, Find, uh, you know, uh, figure out what I wanted to do from a career perspective. I started learning. I started doing and mind you this, you know, this was like, you know, a few months after stroke, like I couldn't absorb anything. Imposible But here, I was like all new to me and all these like courses and being like, oh, I'm going to be a coach. I'm going to do this. I need to help others.

I need to do all this stuff and that is something that just generally really resonates with me and has always resonated with me is trying to help others. And I was like, how do I, how do I take this experience and help others with this? Because this sucks. And so long story short, that's kind of how it all started.

But part of it was, I didn't have the resources I moved so I moved to before my stroke about, um, a couple months, a years before I moved to the magical, magical land of, of enchantment New Mexico, which I absolutely love. I love New Mexico so, so, so much I miss it. But, um, I was living in Santa Fe and just didn't have the resources for somebody like me. Um, who, you know, had a stroke. Um, and again, during COVID, when you know, people were kind of largely. You know, um, kind of tr.

going between different places. Like whether they were, you know, working, not working, et cetera. And so, um, so I had to do it all myself. Some of the things that I did were again, constant coursework, trying to absorb, trying to do, um, coaching nonviolent communication. Um, trying to do, you know, just again, trying to figure out and I was so angry during this time because I couldn't absorb things.

So like, In these courses, I would be like, I would be so, so just an IB, I'd be working out and I'd be so angry. And I, and I didn't know why I was so, so angry. And a lot of it is I think. The attention deficit that I have is I need to constantly focus all the time. Yeah. And so like, that's, that's been the challenge overall. And so long story short, I did that. Some of the things that I did again, because I didn't have the resources where I took a Shakespeare monologue class.

Um, which was impossible for somebody with aphasia it's imposs. It's so hard, you know, or one of, you know, I mean, obviously everybody has varying, um, experiences, but um, but thank God for that, you know? Um, thank goodness for, um, my improv class. You know, all of those things that helped with mental flexibility. And so, um, when I started to like actually dig into, um, the, you know, support groups where I was, cause I was really in a bad place, um, BIA New Mexico came along.

Um, and then I started attending, um, James's, uh, um, support group for New Mexico, who, who also happens to lead a support group in DFW. Um, and he's the one that told me about BIND. And so, um, that's kind of how I, and and long story short, we were also moving at the time and so to Dallas, so it just was a perfect sync, you know, synchronistic kind of series of events. And so. Um, so that's where I'm here that's why I'm here now.

Um, it's been, you know, wonderful and great, and it's been a huge challenge for my mental flexibility and my, you know, the things that I'm working on constantly. So yeah.

And I mean you've done a lot of the step-by-steps by yourself. And I think that a lot of people that don't look the way that people I think that people with brain injuries are supposed to look. You know, those are, you need to have physical therapy to get better. You need, like, at some point we do need to challenge ourselves because it doesn't look what it needs to be to need to get, receive the help that we were supposed to right.

Who's going to tell us to get back into, um, to working right into your experience, or who's going to reach your expectations and really there's no one else other than us. Right. So. I hope that that's what everyone in our listeners are learning. So, um, I want to thank you for giving your time to be here as a guest. Actually, not even as a guest, as my friend and who we can talk together and, you know, give some opportunity to share experiences. Thank you.