episode 7 - DRUMK

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here, wishing you a very happy half-off holiday, because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not... half the service. Mint is still premium, unlimited wireless for a great price. So, that means a half day. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch.

A upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com. Hear that? It's holiday cheer arriving at Ulta Beauty with gifts for everyone on your list.

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That's how you like starting things, right? Yeah, I love starting things trying not to throw up. I love getting to the movies early for the trailers, and so I can see Leonardo DiCaprio, my favorite movie star, going, when they've turned the cameras on him for the first time. Is that what happens? Yeah, dude. It's the opening credits of every movie. He's so frightened.

So I'm very angry. What are you guys doing here? I'm extremely angry. Why am I wearing makeup? He wears so much makeup. Oh, I hope no bears come. Remember when he was in Sweeney Todd? Man, no. Johnny Depp. The wife beater. Not the singlet. Hey, welcome to Not the Singlet, where we talk about men in the industry who've beaten their wives. Oh, my God. Johnny Depp. Bill Murray. Sorry.

It's true. And the thing, the crazy thing about that Bill Murray thing is after he beat his wife, he talked to her and he was like, no one will ever believe you. And it's true. He's such a funny meme. But he was so good and lost in translation. That's actually what he whispered. It's what he whispered in the movie. He whispered, I beat my wife.

She looked at him and then got in a taxi. I thought that he was like, I'm a fictional character. I'm an actor. I was very good in Lost in Translation. And she's like, what? He stood there and he went, new phone, who dis? and she was like bill i'm looking at you god bill please we've all seen the memes he was pointing at her shoes and he whispered what are the

Oh, my God. I hate millennial Bill Murray. It's so bad. It's so shit, man. It's so bad. He spent freaking 10,000 years in that groundhog day and still can't afford a house. House. Can't afford a house. That's good.

Okay, so so far this has been a collection of terrible noises. Yeah. You want to hear some more? No! Hello and welcome to Terrible Noises, our contemporary podcast about Australian music. Up first, we have the Dune Rats knockoff band Sand... Ooh, it's very hard to find an animal to end that. It is. It doesn't sound racist. Oh, it is. It really is. Oh. Beach monkey, completely fine. Sand monkey, uh-oh. Uh-oh. No, it's...

June rats, so, like, he'll ferret. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's nice. Thanks. I'm adequate at comedy, sort of. I don't know if that's even a joke. It's just a synonym competition. I'm at a comedy, sort of. There's a mosquito, and I bet it's the one that was spiteful to me the other night. Our working theory is that my musk attracts mosquitoes and then the paleness of your skin...

Yeah. Entices them to bite you. That is entirely because when you were away, I barely lit any of the candles and I wasn't, most of the time I wasn't using my little like electric mosquito go away boy. Jesus Christ. I didn't get bitten once and you came back and I got attacked that night completely. So that's like...

Cool and fun. Also, surprise, you stupid pieces of shit. I've been away. Wow. We banked episodes. We did bank episodes. Those weren't being released on a weekly basis after being recorded on a weekly basis. Fuck you.

Loving listeners. Yeah. We took advantage of you when you believed us. Davy Jones' locker. Yeah, I've been in... Okay. What was that? What? What character was that? Was that like a one-scene character from Pirates of the Caribbean? That was a million-scene character, the tentacle face. Oh, Geoffrey Rush? No, Bill Nighy. Fuck off. It's... Fucking Bill Nighy, and you know why I know that? Because you've led a bad life. Yeah. Okay, cool. No! Death. So...

Bill Knight, I remember I was like, I have no idea who this actor is, but I remember looking at one of his tentacles. And you know how in a lot of those CGI movies, they kind of give them characteristics that the actual actors have? Like Jack Black looks exactly like a CGI shark. So they were just like, let's just do that. Are they how they made Will Smith like a blue fun robot? Wait, what? You know. In robots. He was a blue fun robot? Was Will Smith in robots?

Yeah. What? I think so. He was both in the movie Robots and iRobot. He was also in A Shark Tale. Yeah. That's what I was talking about when Jack Black was a shark. Oh, yeah. Is he in Robots? God, I hope so. You know what? He wasn't. God, who was it? Well, the good news is I'm not... Fuck. That would have been bad. Who is it? Ewan McGregor. So I think I'm officially not racist and never will be again. No, I think he might just be a fuck. The bad news is Halle Berry is in the movie. Is she really?

Fuck. Robots 2005. Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, Mel Brooks, Amanda Bynes, Drew Carey and Robin Williams. Robin Williams? Yeah. Oh, I'm a robot. No. Oh, I hope I don't stick a fork in a socket. Oh, oh, I sang the song Rudebox. Oh. No. Oh. Oh. It's a fun thing to do. Man, we watched The Birdcage last night. You hadn't seen it before. It's one of my favourite movies in the entire world. It's so fucking good. It's so great. Anyway, Bill Nye, Tentacles. Oh, yeah. What's that?

It's not Davy Jones. Oh, maybe it is Davy Jones. No, it's not Davy. It's definitely not. It's not Davy Jones. It's not Davy Jones, but it's some sea man. We've spent more time discussing this character than I think... Anyone else has, and I'm including the people who are involved in the production of this movie. Do you know what the fun thing about this character is, though?

Do you know who he's in love with? I can guarantee you I don't. Do you know who he's in love with? No. Well, I'll give you a clue. Oh, my God. That voice. It's me, Calypso. Oh, my God. I turn into a million crabs. Fuck. That's not... It's just a fun way to do it, but it's not okay. He has a tentacle that's like one tentacle coming off and then like a...

Looks like it was supposed to branch into two tentacles and one is like cut off. And Bill Nighy has this thing. You know that I'm saying Nighy and not Nighy, right? Not the science guy. Bill Nighy. Did you know that? You thought I was talking about Bill Nye. Yes. Okay, so. All right, well, I want to loop around. Oh, God. And talk about the. He has a disease that means that two of his fingers are permanently locked. He had a disease as a child.

Oh, right. Do you know Bill Nighy, though? Boring story alert. Oh, I thought that was you about to kill Bill Kilme. Oh, fuck. You're about to do a big murder on your girlfriend. Oh, gosh. That's how I'll announce it. The black cent. No, I wanted to... To me? Yeah. Just looking me in the eyes. Oh.

Bloody hell, better start running. We both knew. That's how I'd announce my suicide. Oh, my God. My suicide note is just a note that says people are reading it out tearfully and they're going, weep, boop, weep, boop. That's the name of your show, right? That's my suicide note. That was good. That was my suicide note sometimes.

So, I wanted to loop back around to the Because You've Led a Bad Life file. Ah, yes. Because this is something that stuck with me this week. This week, footage came out of Tom Brady. kissing his son on the lips his teen is like too old son yes getting his son to kiss him on the lips while he's on his back getting a masseuse and it's a lingering getting a masseuse yeah he's purchasing one entire masseuse he's looking up he's going through a dictionary being like

No, not a guy. For reasons that I'm not comfortable with unpacking, I don't want to get a massage from a man. Why is he looking through a dictionary? Hmm? Why is he looking through a dictionary? No, he's looking through a big list of... Did I say dictionary? You said dictionary! Well, I think you'll find I'm a stupid man. Dictionary is my go-to word when I think of big book. He's looking through a dictionary being like, wait, masseuse? Oh, they touch me bod. Oh, a rub man.

What's his name, Wayne Brady? A rubber bot. Who's this man? Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Footballman. Yeah, footballman. He kisses his son on the mouth. It's very strange. When I brought that up with you, you were like, is that strange for parents to do? Because you did. You're like, I don't know. Maybe they do that in good homes. What am I to say? The man's a quarterback. My mom, my parents didn't kiss me much.

I have problems with intimacy. Yeah, cool. Well, that is something you probably knew before you started this episode, listener. You're aware of me. If there was a multiple choice question of how much Demi Lardner's parents kissed her growing up, I reckon someone could nail it looking at a picture. I was about to say the exact same thing.

Option D, as much as you expect. Not even a picture of me, just a picture of my haircut. Yeah, absolutely. Just fucking a vector line drawing of where your hair goes.

Christ. I've been in Perth. I've been away in Perth. Good brag. Yeah, dude. Hey, you know where I've been? I was about to, like, when you said that, because you were looking at me, I was about to be like, I fucking know, cunt. I was lonely. I'm telling the people who we've been lying to by releasing banked episodes. Ah, yeah. Tom's been in Perth. So this one will come out like, I think like two weeks after we're actually recording it because we've got other banked episodes.

Do we? I don't think we do. Yeah, we do. We just released episode four, you fucking cunt. Oh, well, by this point, hopefully the angry comments about me being on Tonightly have died down. Oh, I got death threats from doing that. That was fun and good. Fun and good. You got? A fun and a good thing to do with my body and my mind and my skin and my eyeballs too. It's great to get. A fun and good thing to do with it. And that wasn't the point where I was allowed to join in the song. Jew. Cool.

Yeah, you got significantly more death threats than a male comedian would have. It's weird, isn't it? It's so crazy. It's almost... How society doesn't value women as people. A lot of guys saw you doing comedy and were like, that deserts to die. That does desert to die. And if I may spread whipped cream on my head and put a cherry on top.

So you can shoot me in my pussy. Jesus Christ. How long do you think... No, if you get shot in the pussy, you're probably being shot in like... There's no vital look. Someone's probably shooting you from below and then it'll travel up. It'll travel up. Unless you've been doing your kegels. I can catch a bullet with my pussy. Yeah. Go. Okay. Bang. Oh, dead. Oh, no. I've just bloody shot my girlfriend square in the pussy. Oh, no. Good thing this podcast will prove my innocence.

What? Oh, waiter-roonie. I'll have to wait till it's uploaded to Libsyn. Oh, I thought you were talking to a cute waiter. Oh, God. No. A waiter-roonie? Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, you've got a lot of death threats. I don't think... I don't think you'll get any because you're an attractive white male. I think I will get a lot of people telling me to kill myself. I'm not going to get so many people telling me they're going to kill me. That's the breakdown of our fans.

That's the difference in how people relate to us. No, I think that you're attractive and white and tall enough that people are going to relate to it and realize that it's irony and people are not, you know, people think I'm like a quirky girl. People think you're a funny boy. Oh, thanks. And if you're listening to this podcast for the adventures of this funny boy and this quirky girl, thanks for sticking with us. Through such discussions as Calypso's voice.

Man, Perth's a hard place to be in. I'm not like other girls. I'm not like other girls. I have an aircraft tire where my pussy should be. Yeah, you can fucking thread the needle. I'm sorry. I like to say it as it is. I don't have a clit. I have one of those signs that you throw a ball at a carnival. And when you throw it just right, my chair collapses and I go splish into water. Splish into water. The walls of my pussy are made of the same padding.

use on insane asylums because i only fuck crazy dick who tell people how uh i That my version of leave room for Jesus is just the back wall of my pussy. You can't touch the back wall because leave room for Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he is. There's an air pocket in there where I keep the spirit of Jesus in my heart. Yeah.

is that I can't go I can't hit Demi's back walls because that's where God lives that's where God lives and when I queef after fucking I go bye Lord well that's the word of God the word of God is Amen. Amen. We know I've got a huge pussy. Yeah, dude. Which is weird looking at me. Because I'm two feet tall and I've got a three foot wide pussy. Yeah. And the great thing. My queefs actually sound like. My penis goes into Demi like a scared child into the woods. It's like.

I can't go further. And it backs out. And then again, it's like, but I love being scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my pussy's open at the top. For the wide canopy. A mist comes out. Far off in the distance, two red lights light up the thing and then blink. Yeah, and it's much brighter and greener where the light hits it. Where the sun touches its leaves. Also, I only live through photosynthesis.

Okay. Burger go in the mouth, son go in the puss. What? I don't know, man. Are you mad because I don't eat burgers? Guys, I fucking hate burgers. Do you? I really don't like burgers. Just because I'm too little, I can't fit all of the flavour bits of a burger into my body at once. There's so much bread. You could have only the components of a burger.

I could have only the components of a burger. Explain yourself. It doesn't make sense. Okay, what I'm saying is that you can have only the ingredients they list of a burger. Oh, and not the bread. Yes. You would have to eat some kind of bunless burger. Some kind of burger bowl. Some kind of.

Some kind of burger bowl. Some kind of meat crime. Yes. What you would want is for someone to frisbee the patties at you with a pickle placed delicately on top. Centrifugal force. Exactly. I love... pickles um it would be it would be a meat crime with a condiment punch on top yeah can you imagine if there was like a dummy made out of

food that you fight and if you bite off its hands you win the fight like if you catch a punch in your mouth yeah you've won the fight chrome do you know what i mean i can't imagine it like a fighting dummy like um Like some kind of robot. Like a mechanical bull that doesn't want you to bite the back of its head. It's trying to buck you off so that you can't eat the delicate ribs it's made out of. So I'm grappling with this meat person. What you're describing is...

An angry human. Yeah. What you're describing is hunting a person with several steps taken out. Sure. All you're describing is just hunting someone who's already edible. So anyone. Yeah, no, but they're already cooked, is what I'm saying. You're describing just cannibalism, but with a few steps taken out. Right, but I'm Jewish, so if they've eaten enough bacon, I cannot eat their whole body.

I'm not Jewish. I'm sorry for that. Yeah, sorry. Demi's mother isn't Jewish. She's just absent. I don't know what that means. It's just the thing I know. Ah, mother. Ah, man.

Imagine. Hey, news for me. What? We haven't talked about this. What? One of my exes got married. Had a big fancy destination wedding in Mexico. Really? Yeah, man. She's... Fucking rich now. Cool, like, where does she live? Is she pretty? I don't know, and yes. Let me level with you here. Don't know if she's pretty and she lives that, yes. Hello, I'd like to book a plane ticket. It's to one of the options on your website, but it wasn't at a location.

It was under, would you like travel insurance? Yeah, no. She's very pretty. Incredibly rich. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, this woman who I dated. Yes. Before you. Great. She's married. Super rich. Very happy. What's her name? Oh, God. I'm not going to say that on the podcast. Now the address is another issue. Here it comes. Yeah. Feels weird. To have an ex be married. But yeah, not in any sense of like, oh, that could have been me or whatever. We went right for each other.

I'm not jealous. And, you know, I wish her well. But it's super weird. Oh, you wish her well? Cool. Yeah, I wish her well. I hope she makes enough money to, you know, come back to Australia. Have a fling with someone, whoever. Okay, yeah. Like who? Some kind of... Short queer girl. Yeah. I want to be cucked by my married ex. I want both of our lives to fall apart at the same time.

When? Recent? Yeah, man. Recidentally? While I was in Perth. Oh. Pussy shit, cum, fuck, piss, cum, pussy shit, pussy. Pussy, cum, cunt, fuck, shit. Cunt, pussy, shit. Cunt, shit, puss, fuck, shit, pussy, fuck, cunt, shit, pussy. Big dick, little pig. I think what I just said was big dick little pig. Little pig, yeah. Big dick little pig. It's a pig that has the biggest schlong.

Hey, here's two fun facts about Demi's dad. He told her once that he sometimes puts a little bit of toilet paper on the bowl. In case Johnson kisses the porcelain. No, no, no. It was his old fella. In case the old fella touches the ball. Touches the porcelain. And I was like, okay, Dad, never tell me anything again.

Yeah, I just got a big limp hog and it lies down where it wants. My name is Alan Lardner and everybody knows that my hoggy-boggy touches the porsey walls. I've got a big dick and I don't use it for much. rather than putting it on cold. I don't know whether my dad has a big dick. I think he has a very regular dick. Honestly, let me say, good. Good. That's the end. But I do know that my pussy takes after my mum.

If we were both in a wind tunnel, you would hear a double echo. Big pussy brigade! Here's the other fact. Oh, I don't have a mum that I know of. Jeez Louise. Because you have to fuck someone and not remember it to attain a mum. That's how I understand the world. Oh no. You think everything's fine, just all your definitions are fucked? Sometimes I just have a surge of empathy for the fucked up childhood you've had.

And the slightly terrible adulthood. Well, but it's so funny. I have a great adulthood. I'm so happy right now. Except for the crippling depression when I don't take my meds. Yeah, that. No, it's weird. I feel very high highs. I'm so happy right now and I feel like everybody who is our age either... just has had the most wonderful childhood or has undiagnosed depression, you know, or anxiety. I've been talking to my sister about it lately, trying to like, cause she, she's really, really anxious.

And she's like, my boyfriend hates when I smoke weed, but it makes me happy. And I was like, smoke? We. Yeah. Definitely do it. I don't give a fuck about your boyfriend. That's one of those equations, though, that makes sense now. But, like, looking back, you're like, hmm. And I... would take my own life if it made my boyfriend happy. Yeah, I know, exactly. And I get where she's coming from because I didn't have...

Until I was like legal drinking age, I didn't have a proper like... talking relationship with my sisters so I'm trying to have that with my sister and she's like I don't know what I can say and I'm like you can tell me anything and I literally don't care please smoke weed if it makes you feel better for sure like

If that's what's keeping you from necking. She contacted me and she was kind of like, I don't know. I feel like I don't want to be alive. And I was like, oh, call me immediately. Smoke some weed, dude. Yeah. Don't. Go get on meds. Dude, when I think about killing myself, the first call is green out station. What I do, my friend, is I hop the bong train and I get off it.

Green out station and I walked up. It's not fun to green out. Weed Boulevard. Last time I greened out, I bawled my eyes out next to a bin and told everybody I'd forgotten everything but my name. Oh, God. Me and one of my best friends screamed at each other in a street. And we just stood in the middle of the street and we're like, you don't care! But at the same time, me...

Me and this huge dude were both in that voice screaming at each other, you don't care. And then I walked up to him and I was like, what are we fighting about? And he was like, I have no idea. We just went to bed. I've... In the middle of Rundle Mall in Adelaide. Yeah. I... Yeah. As soon as you... You could have just said Adelaide and we would have known the one street the town has.

I think I feel less emotions in a decade than you do in a month. Your voice certainly hints at it. Absolutely. I have a very big issue with my voice. I sound... Constantly sarcastic. Hello, Demi, I love you. Oh, cool, babe. Yeah, there have been times I'm like, oh, I love you too. And that's me saying it genuinely, but oops. Bye.

love you too now i want to loop back to when i said two facts about your dad i've given one fact so far which is big long dick he kissed the he kisses i don't think he has a long dick okay well Honestly? I think he just really lunges into the toilet. Would love to stop talking about it. Would love to top talking about this. Would love to top talking. The other fact. Tom would love to top my dad. The other fact is that. Fuck my dad in the ass. I don't want.

Okay, well the other fact is that We are connected on Facebook Messenger. Sure. Because he sent me a friend request. The two interactions I've had with him. Oh, no. That he waved at me on the 20th of the 10th, 2017. And then... On the 26th of January at 11pm, he sent me this photo of a woman in an Australia bikini with a kangaroo tattoo on her butt. Is that the Qantas symbol? I think, I believe it's the watch out for kangaroos symbol.

So Dad sent a link to a friend of his sharing with the caption, I love this country. That's just someone he's found on an I Love Australia page. It just says the caption, I love this country. Oh, fuck. I have not replied to either. And I'm unsure as to how to continue. Oh. Christ. It was really weird getting sent a flag butt on Australia Day by your dad. Can you just send him a picture of a hot dude?

Okay, cool. I'm searching Australian firefighter. Oh, God. All right. Australian firefighter. Oh, Christ. Hey, have I ever told you this? So I really, this isn't like a controversial thing to say, but I love dogs a lot. Sure. Please don't break up with me. I just hope the internet has room for this take. I love dogs a lot. I had a mutt when I was younger. I had a cute little dog called Sally. And I remember when Sally died, I was unbelievably heartbroken. And...

Maybe like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you continued your childhood. So this is the middle of the story. You remained heartbroken from a previous tragedy. So this was you just... As a person. Sally was the best and I fucking loved her. And I remember being a kid, I had like a really good imagination and I was like, I think I was like eight when she died. So I used to...

think about Sally as hard as I could before I went to sleep so that I would dream that I still had her. No. And I had a dream pet. No. I was just like, can't wait to go to sleep so I can hang out with Sally again. It worked? It worked. It worked when I was a kid because I had like a really like full imagination. Well, yeah, you didn't want to be where you were.

Absolutely didn't want to be in the house where everybody screamed and they never had a jumper. Oh, no. Imagine having shoes. So it was like I couldn't afford a Tamagotchi, so I was like... Like, this is how I feed her. Like, sorry, I was away for 12 hours. And I just had this dream dog that I used to hang out with. Sally was still alive in my imagination. Oh, my God. You know, that's like a...

And I'm not saying it's directly analogous, but have you heard about talpas? Uh-uh. So, talpas are a thing. I got obsessed with this a while back. It's a whole thing where...

People will spend a long time trying to train their imagination and train their brain processes into thinking about this one thing. Right. And then the goal is to get an imaginary friend that... essentially functions independently of your conscious mind because you've just trained yourself to imagine this thing for as long as possible and so it's visible to you and acts pretty much independently of you and yeah

Wow. So the Tulpa sounds... Tulpa, T-U-L-P-A? T-U-L-P-A. And what you will find if you Google this is... Almost exclusively people using this to give themselves My Little Ponies. And it is... The loneliest part of the internet that I've ever been to. Oh, fuck. And you've been to Kameg. I have been to Kameg. We'll talk about Kameg. Let's talk about Kameg later. Yeah, sure. Fuck, that's some breakfast radio tier sizzle.

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here. Wishing you a very happy half-off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not... half the service. Mint is still premium, unlimited wireless for a great price. So, that means a half day. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch.

A front payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed flow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See MintMobile.com. Hear that? It's holiday cheer arriving at Olds of Beauty with gifts for everyone on your list.

Treat them to fan favorite gift sets from Charlotte Tilbury and Peach and Lily. Go all out with timeless fragrances from YSL, Ariana Grande, and Carolina Herrera. And you can never go wrong with an Ulta Beauty gift card. Head to Ulta Beauty for gifts that make the holidays brighter and even more beautiful. Ulta Beauty. Gifting happens here.

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Learn more at ambetterhealth.com slash ICHRA. Okay, this is right now my chat history with your dad. Come look. my god oh fuck that's perfect tom's just sent my dad three different angles of A man in budgie smugglers. An incredibly strong man. An incredibly strong and objectively attractive man in budgie smugglers with the Australian flag on them. No message. It's perfect. Okay.

send that to you on the old Australia Day? Yeah, 26th January. Is that what Australia Day is? Yeah, yeah. That's Australia Day. Invasion Day. Well, yeah, genuinely Invasion Day, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, I agree. But also, yes, your dad chose... It fucking rules, man. Oh, dude, that's so fucking... He sent that to his daughter's boyfriend at 11 o'clock at night. My dad has met you, what, twice? Oh, more than that. Four times? Something like that. Yeah. And my dad...

It's his blind spot because I'm really proud of my dad. He's learned a lot about like queer things. He asks me a lot of questions just because he's like, I know it's probably not okay to say it, but this asks me questions and so accepting now. Oh, for a prison guard. For a prison guard in the 90s, very, very like accepting now and wasn't a couple of years ago and I'm so proud of how far he's come. He still is very into Australia Day. Yeah. Hey.

Here's a fun thing I found out about you that I almost couldn't stop yelling about when I found it. Demi is, of course, the product of two prison guards cheating on their then partners. dad both cheated on their fathers to get together prison guards so they had access to handcuffs that's how Bane was born fuck

Oh, shit. You were just on the right side of the bars. Hey, I was born in the shadows. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I need to get another whiskey. Oh, my God. We specifically filled up before, so we wouldn't have to do this. Ignore you. Somebody needed it. I'm my mother's daughter. Oh, my God. She's an alcoholic. Hi. Hey. What were you talking about? Conversation starters?

You want a conversation starter? Sure. Go on. What's your conversation starter? So when I fly from Sydney to Perth, I was sitting next to a guy and he was an older gentleman who it became clear through the course of his conversation ran a business. Because he was talking to the guy next to him I was not talked to at any point. He was talking to this guy next to him about how he's scared that he was devoting too much of his life to work.

and he wasn't spending enough time with his kids and he was going into detail. How old was this man? He was like, I would say, I would say 40s, you know, mid to late 40s. Okay. He was a weathered guy. Yeah. And he clearly, like, uh... was regretting some of his choices. He was like, I've been in Sydney for like, I've been working in Sydney and New South Wales for four years, pretty much. My kids have been like growing from four to eight and the other one has been from six to 10.

And I've missed out on that time. And I'm really worried, but I'm keeping a roof over their heads. And the guy next to him is like, you know, replying. I'm like, yeah, I... I get that. That's such a hard thing to do. And then I saw the guy open up his iPad to watch a movie and the lock screen on his iPad was a picture of a forklift. Not... Okay, well, not a picture he'd taken. The kind of picture that you get when you Google forklift.

So he unlocked it to watch the movie and the background was the same picture of a forklift. And I don't know what to do with this information. Did you see what movie he was watching? Yeah, he was watching like a documentary about heroin in... In a small American town. Oh, you know what a more efficient way to lift that heroin would be? Well, you know how you want to get those junkies off the streets is when they're supine.

You could easily get a tine or two underneath them. You are going to have to wait until they're dead and have rigor mortis. Otherwise they're going to flop between the two tongs. Otherwise it's like lifting up a cat. Just grabbing one end of a slinky. Just like lifting up a cat. Makes me horny. Jesus Christ. Pick it up, pussy. Anyway, worried about the kids.

He has his lock screen with a picture of a fucking forklift. I'm really worried about... I don't like background. Like, I've looked up forklifts since then. third picture along. His kids are like, his wife is one big forklift and his kids are two smaller forklifts. One forklift with like a gold band around one of its forklift tongs because they're married. Yeah, the baby forklifts are like losing their baby tines.

Their adult times are coming in on their forks. Getting really big times and just weighing them down at the front. Goes home, gets his wife forklift all alone, sticks his dick up the exhaust. maybe forklift just like that it's a very very still large forklift and then Clunk, clunk! And just a baby forklift falling out of, like, the window of the forklift. I'm imagining it like Thunderbirds where a hatch at the end of the forklift opens up and the baby forklift just, pa! Pa! Yeah.

Okay, here's the sound of his family coming to greet him at the airport. That's it. That's the hug.

Man, it fucked me up so bad. Oh, man, that sucks. So I am known, I think maybe I talked about on this podcast how much I cried during Orc Cop. Yeah. Did I? Yeah. Just any movie with... Like... You know, middle-aged to old men having any emotion. Having any emotion at all. Or cop. I cried, what, three times? More? Yeah. Absolutely more. Ben Jenkins now knows this about me. Acquaintance of the show, Ben Jenkins, showed me.

Just a still image of a... Oh, fuck. Oh, man. It was just an article about the last video shop in a small town closing down. And the quote for the article was, Mark says the closing down of the last blockbuster, quote, shook him about. And the man standing here with his lips pursed. And he was definitely trying not to cry. He was wearing high viz. He was. About 43, I'd say. Oh, man. And Ben showed me the picture and I made this noise.

Just held my breath. Man, it really wrecks you. Anything with old men in it will absolutely fuck me up. Dude. Yeah. I, uh, there was a scene and I knew that watching, uh, war. It's a war. I'm Tom Hardy. Colin Hanks is in this show too. There are people that I don't know. It's war and we all have parachutes. What's that show? Well, it's Flying Boys.

Birth from a plane The plane is our mum And we're here to kill Germans Flying boys Here in a plane Kill them Germans And I'm Tom Hardy The gun is my mum's placenta And just to reiterate, my mum's the plane. The mum is a plane and I was wrapped in guns when I came out of the plane. You know, during World War II. My mum, the plane, ate all of the guns. It's healthy and provides her with nutrients.

You know that during World War II, there was a real issue with the troopers who had dropped into Germany imprinting on the first thing they saw and thinking it was their mum. Is that real? Yes. dude. Oh, fuck you. You stupid bitch. Because you. You dumb piece of shit. Look, I know a lot about ducks. You. You genuinely had a second. Because here's why. The paratroopers thought whatever they saw after jumping out of a plane. I thought.

adult human lives with their mum. I thought that you meant... You thought something dumb with your shit brain. I thought something with my rotten brain. Yeah, what do you think? Something with my broken shit old apple core brain white dog shit.

My brain is made out of just a blend of old brown apple cores, white dog shit and sawdust that I found at the amusement park to soak up all the vomit off of people's rides. Your brain is made up of what goofy... finds when he tries to fish in a lake it's just fish skeletons old boots and tires what new slaves to add to his dog collection it is fucked that he has pluto it's really bad um

I just thought because you stuttered, I was like, oh, it's a real fact. He's not just going to give up on this fake ass fact halfway through telling me. No. Brother, something brothers, brothers. Oh, Band of Brothers. Band of Brothers. That show in like maybe the second to last or maybe the last episode, I was like, this is the episode that's going to happen because they cut between like. Spoilers for Band of Brothers coming up, possibly. They had all the recreations of the scenes and stuff.

like two parts of the episode near the start and then near the end they would have interviews with the dudes who were still alive who were actually oh fuck in the place no and it fucked me up bad there were like because you would see people die in like the recreations but like very very dramatized recreations and it was when you say recreations like

Are you talking about the show? Because I know Band of Brothers is just a fictional show. It is a fictional show. It was like one of the first prestige TV shows. It's a completely fictional show, but using some people's real names. Gotcha. And in some of the scenes... having the actual situations they were in so like they would play like they would they would play interviews at the start and be like we were dropped into this place and then they would show like

in the show the people entering the place and then near the end they would be like someone would like have their legs blown off and they would be like and and they would die from that And then one of the men would be like, yeah, when this character's name, but he's also a real man when he died. And they're really fucked up over it. And the second to last episode, they're all just crying. Old man crying. trying not to, but then falling into sobbing. Oh, man. Oh, God. Yeah.

I used to do acting classes. Anyway, this is a comedy podcast. Is it? Or is it now a war reenactment? Jesus Christ. Ow, don't! I'm going to shoot you again. Don't shoot me to death. I'm going to freaking do it. I'm joking. Ouch. Kabang. Yeah, kabang. The back part of the gun makes the car. bang comes in the front of the gun so car against your shoulder yeah bang bang bang hitting the flesh

Got any conversation starters, Tom? Oh man, let me check. Oh, hey, I just have here, don't talk about a sad shit from a world war cunt. I thought that was going to have some kind of payoff. No, it was just... Why was I even talking about that? We were just talking about sad shit with dads. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And how much you cried during... And we've got to say this. Genuinely bad movie, Orc Cop.

Not as bad as everyone says it was, but... No, it's a bad movie. It's still a bad movie. It's badly written. It's a bad movie, but... A fun movie, if you can forget it, was written by Max Landis. But the way that that one actor... Joel Edgerton. Joel Edgerton. Incredible. So good. A really good performance of like a guy trying his best, trying to be the best he can be. He's a bit shit. He's quite good. He's also an orc. He's an orc.

And get this, he's an orc. Did I tell you that I looked up the screenplay and no joke, in the scene where... You did. Please tell the audience. Yeah, orc cop is introduced. The script is like... He, oh, private orc cop gets out of the car and meets him. Oh, hey, what are you doing? He says. He's about in his 40s, looks a little bit tired, a little bit nervous. And guess what?

Bold italics underlined in screenplay. He's an orc. Can I please just tell you how offended I am that you didn't remember the name Jacoby because I have it imprinted in my brain because of how attached I am to this character. All right. Oh, did you hear that? That was fucked. I'm the crunchiest little baby. You have a nightmare body. Sorry. Christ.

I can be your sweet dream or your nightmare boyfriend. I'm your boyfriend now. Congratulations to me for finally being queer enough to date you. Your neck is made of the shit that glow sticks are made of. That's the exact sound you get whenever you manipulate your neck to the side. Yeah, when we turn off the lights and I crack my neck, immediately you hear... We're immediately in a rave in our house. Mr. Brightside, fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Piss your fucking ass. Piss your fucking ass.

Coming out of my piss and I've been fuck shit, cum, ass. I really don't know if that's as funny as we think it is. I think it's the best. Oh, man. Coming out of my piss and I've been flinged. Fucking shit, ass.

Oh, fuck. If you had the choice, after you die, would you like your skin to be turned into belt leather? Yeah, I'd like to be useful any way I can. Now and in the future. Whether that's carrying folding chairs or providing a man with the materials he needs to keep his trousers up. I would love for my skin to be used in some kind of sartorial way. Preferably for a jacket.

Yes, yes, yes. I would love for my body to be made into a cool leather jacket where it also, like, my hands are left on there so it just looks like I'm hugging someone. I would love... Whenever they cross their arms, I'm like... hello yeah i would love that but also there's a hood on the jacket where

The top of your head but not the bottom of your jaw is the hood. So they just put me on? They put you on and your teeth are touching like... their hairline I would love that and the top of your face is there that would be so good also it seems 100% illegal but just tell everyone that it's a I mean everything's illegal

Did you hear fucking... You wouldn't have heard this. This is outside your thing. There's an improv guy called Del Close who is kind of like held up as the starter of... improv in america basically uh but he his like one wish was for his skull to be used in a production of hamlet cool and then finally someone as what

All right, we got your new chair. This doesn't seem right. Oh, God. Hey, wait a second. This seems like it's... Are you guys sure the prom manager hasn't made some kind of mistake here? Just Hamlet fucking his skull. God, it's playing Ophelia? Yeah. So he really wanted his skull to be used post his death as the skull in Hamlet.

Well, the part that plays up to you. Yorick, it's the only smart thing I know. Yorick, Yorick, Yorick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very stupid. Yorick, Yorick. You're salvaging any kind of all its cred. I'm a dumb piece of shit, Yorick.

Somebody said, who was it they were talking about the other day? Was it like Mark Latham or something? And I was like, who? I don't know fucking anything. I'm so dumb. It's crazy that you don't know who Mark Latham is. I just don't fucking know anything. He's the guy who, he ran against John Howard. for Prime Minister of Australia lost and has now completed a turn to the right and weirdly tinted alt-right.

But, like, I know a lot of... See, I know a lot of things about... He kissed Milo on the face. Very specific things about ancient Rome. And I have... I'm so dumb. Wow. I'm... So dumb. I'm so dumb. But I know a couple things I know a lot about. Yeah. Anyway. You know that garum was the main product of Pompeii and it's some kind of delicious fish paste. So.

The other main product of Pompeii was dead people. It was certainly the thing that we inherited. Do you know that the floor is made of lava? Started in Pompeii and originally wasn't a game. God. Fuck you. That's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. But the only thing that I could think of was that actually it was the gases that killed them. So. Eat my dick. Shant. Eat my entire dick, which is your dick. I own it.

Eat your own dick. Oh, well done. Have I told you about how I... In my, like... Fucked subreddit browsing. I ended up on r slash selfsuck. You've shown me so many pictures of r slash selfsuck. Yes, you've told me. It's so funny. Just all these guys sucking their own dicks. Yeah. But with amateur level photography. So it's just a guy with photo booth I put on his Mac. Just like. It also makes me think like. So.

This is the mechanical problem that I have with self-suck, right? All the pictures I've seen are people with their toes pointed and their legs up in the air, sucking their dicks. And I would think that if you bent your legs, you would have... at least a tiny bit more elasticity in your legs to get that whole D in your mouth. I think that maybe you're seeing certain photos of people self-sucking. Anyway, the point is that the two...

The two genres of post on self-suck are how hard is this? And then I did this and it didn't feel like someone was sucking my dick. It felt like I was sucking a dick.

Anyway. Talk about cum egg. We promised we would. Yeah, we did tease cum egg. The end of the Del Close story, just quickly before we get into cum egg, is... that Del Close wanted his skull to be used as Yorick, and they said they fulfilled his request, but then years later they were like, we weren't allowed to assume his corpse, so we just bought a skull. Oh my god. It sucks.

Come egg. Come egg. Go on. Okay. Well, this is going to be a real. You wanted to base your show around this. Yeah. So full disclosure. In the lead up to. Comedy festivals. I was like, I want to do something new and different this year. And I still am... But to a much lesser extent. I was like, I want to have a show and I want it to be called Narrative. And at 3am on one night, I changed the show title in an email to my management frantically to honk honk honk honk honk. Yes. But...

narrative was going to be about the cum egg. And cum egg is something I found on the self-suck forums. I'm so sorry. This is fucked. I was thinking before about how filthy our fucking podcast is. And this is... Talk about Kameg, you coward. Kameg. You fucking coward. Talk about Kameg. Kameg is the title of a forum thread on the self-suck forums. I've just looked it up. Oh my god. Step three, cum.

Step four, store it. Step five, freeze it. Now, thankfully, due to his freezer, step four and five boil down to the same thing. Step six, come some more. Could have just put, see, step three. Step seven, add it to store. Step eight, freeze it. Rinse and repeat until storage is full. Step 72, he's being optimistic there because there's more steps than that. Insert cum storage into ass.

Fuck, I forgot this. While cleaning out my pantry, I found a plastic Jell-O mold for making Jell-O Easter eggs. He already had the egg mold! His plan was to drop a load of cum into it every day and freeze it. How many days did he think it would take? I believe he thought it would take approximately two months. Oh, fuck. So each cum, I believe, is about...

30 milliliters? Maybe, yeah. I'm pretty sure. He... A tablespoon. Yeah, and here is his next post. Yeah, it's taking forever. Still not even half full yet. Starting to think about giving up. Not sure. This is the part of the narrative where the hero is struggling through adversity. So I have to move. Less than three weeks notice given by the landlords. Fuck. Yep. Their house is going to be condemned. You watch on this comic. Yeah. You get fucking ice packs.

You find a friend you can trust? You buy an esky. You didn't buy the egg mold. Spend something on this project. Oh, God. Here it is. The egg only got to about a third full. Man, cum looks worse frozen than fresh. It's interesting. People talk a lot about how cum looks in hot water. They never talk about how it looks frozen. Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? It is interesting. It interests me. Good. Okay, here we go. Several weeks pass in this forum thread.

Oh my god. It's almost full. Another shot or three should do it. It's full. Now I just need a day alone to take advantage of it. Stay tuned. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Simply can't wait. And here is the third twist in the tale. But I have to. This is something that I can't do in front of the wife. married. How did he keep it a secret? How did he keep it a secret? What the fuck? He had a chicken...

egg-sized egg full of cum in his freezer that his wife did not know about. He was jerking off every single day into an egg and his wife didn't know. Yeah, it literally melted in seconds. Oh my god. It melted faster when I simply touched it to my anus than it did when I popped it in my mouth. My freezer is set to maybe minus five Celsius. Just enough to freeze water. And keep pre-frozen foods frozen. So no ice burns for me. Oh my God. User always coming comments.

Oh, not into Adel at all myself. But impressive cum egg nonetheless. That's exactly the sort of thing I'd be tempted to thaw out and drink. Working on a new frozen cum collection myself specifically for swallowing. Oh my god. Sorry, I need to pee. Okay. Let's pause. Alright, you're back from the toilet. Quick update before we start come egg again. Your dad has sent me a thumbs up emoji. Oh my god!

I'm taking a screenshot. What the fuck? And we'll post that somewhere. Oh my god. Alright. Back to cum. What the- Yep. Absolutely. All right. Coming. The final chapter. The Alan Lardner story. No! Do not! Come egg. After the success of his first egg, he found out that it melted faster than he ever could have guessed. But our hero fulfilled his destiny of making an egg.

Full of fun. Full of cum. And fun. Full of fun. Full of cum. Doing the opposite of what chickens do, inserting an egg into his ass. He posted a video of himself putting the cum into the ass. The hosting has long since expired. Okay. Here is... Here is the denouement for this story. that I sincerely believe to be the greatest story ever told. It is the final post in the thread Cum-Egg.

So I spent several weeks generating a new comeg. First thoughts, generating an incredibly kind word. Oh yes. So I decided I wanted to use it with this amazing new blowjob simulator toy I got from Japan. Unfortunately there was a leak in my cum egg and air got in. I never noticed it over the time creating it. I made a video of the whole thing. It was pretty great. Was. Apparently that brownish tinge on the one side of the frozen cum that I thought was odd was a huge warning.

I gave myself one of the nastiest bladder infections the hospital has ever seen. I'm not sure I should even post the video at least not without a disclaimer. If I'm ever going to attempt something like this ever again I need to figure out a way to make the eggs 100% airtight. What do you guys think? Wanna see it? And that man's name, as you might have guessed. was Alan Lott. No! What? Stop making it your dad! Isn't that incredible? In all my forum trolling...

That is the one narrative I've found that is perfect as it lies. It genuinely is perfect and I can't believe that you are. Apart from the people that you've told, i.e. me and what? A handful of other people? I told it to Ben Jenkins because I tried to convince him to let me do it at Story Club. Oh, my God. He said, no. He said no for me doing it at his live show that is podcast in partnership with, formerly in partnership with the ABC. Oh, God. Yeah, man. Like...

The reveals in order that you get in this thread. Anyway. End of podcast. I love you, Tom. Good night. Good night. That was a long time. Yeah, it's a real long one. How do I stop recording? Do I just press dunk? Yeah. Group Health Insurance can put businesses in a tough position. Now a new form of employer coverage called an ICHRA can help. Unlike group insurance, ICHRAs offer predictable costs and personalized health plans. Learn more at ambetterhealth.com slash ICHRA.

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