episode 6 - WAKEUPSLEEPYHEAD

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Yeah, wake up. We've got a podcast. Oh, my God. Come on. This is good and I like it. Wake up and smell the content. Yeah. I love content. Put your dick away if we're going to podcast. I'm doing it nude now, dude. Oh, no. I'm a nude, rude, potty dude. All right, what are you? All right, what?

How's your day been so far, cunt? Pretty good, man. Yeah? Yeah. Great. I mean, pretty lonely. Oh, man. I was having a dream I still had a boyfriend. Oh, you do still have a boyfriend. Whee! I'm a little bitch in the morning. I'm sure not all your boyfriends have broken up with you. The rumours are true. Me and Demi are poly. I'm Polly. He's Paul. Yeah, I am Paul. And that means I'm the part of the Polly relationship that just chills out at home.

She gets to fuck other guys and I get $10 credit a month towards PSN purchases. For indie games on the PlayStation Network. I made us coffee. I'll go grab the coffee. Oh, okay. I'll fill. I'm so tired. Oh, thank you for my coffee. No worries. Whee. It is literally the least I could do. Fuck you. What have you been up to today? Oh, man, I got up.

I messed around on the computer. Oh, yeah? Had a grand old time. Yeah, I kind of want to pull all your skin off. Okay. Well, what I figured... How do you wear it? Well, I need to... So, we need to do this podcast now. Yes. Because life has been too good so far. Yes, easy, easy, easy.

I'm going to go. We need to bank an episode today and I'm going off to get my back looked at by a physio. Oh, and you're going to the bin city after that. Yeah, I'm going to bin city. Yeah. Because I'm a freaking little garbage girl. Is that me? I'm horrible. You're not horrible. It's just early in the morning. Listeners, pause and think about what time you think it is. All right, now you've done that. It's 11.21 a.m. But I'm tired. I'm tired. It's hard for me. I'm sorry.

Oh, God. Oh, for your perfect conversation starters? Yeah, man. Right.

Okay. So, conversation starters. Can you at least give me a modesty cloak to cover my shame? What, you don't want to do a tits out? I don't. I'm doing it nude, dude. Yeah, I hate it. All right, cool. I'll chuck you a towel. No, I don't. Oh, fucking la-di-da. If podcasting a towel is good enough for Mary... That's how he did the Obama interview, dude. Yeah, but... He opened the door.

Wearing it lady style over the tits with one wrapped around his head. And then he'd come like, oh, sorry, I feel overdressed. And he just took off the one over his tits. So who are you guys? Yeah. There's a t-shirt for you. Yay. All right. This is always my favorite part in the podcast. Yeah? In Serial, where Sarah Koenig slowly puts on a...

A shirt for the first time at 11.22am. I've never worn a shirt before. Yeah, yeah. That's why you put all your fingers out one hole. Excuse me, I can't get fingers too long. It's a dress. You wear a t-shirt like a turtle wears a shell. Aww. Strapped on to my back like turtles do with a belt. Yeah, dude. Like what a turtle does.

Oh, hey. Are you going to sit down or are you just going to kind of... Stand dick out holding coffee as a power play? Yeah, this is like fun and good. Do I remind you of like a mad man? Like several mad men? Well, either that or someone from... You know what you remind me of? A mad girlfriend who's angry and tired. Okay, wait. I'll put on some underpants. Oh, my God. So you can talk about something that's not this. Oh, fuck. What if this was the only erection I'd ever had?

Just so everyone knows, I'm floppy as a goddamn guppy right now. Yep. But if this was the only way I could get hard. Floppy as a half full sock of marbles. Floppy as the day I was born. Floppy. Floppy is a baby's tongue. Floppy is a knocked out boxer. Floppy is my nan's skeleton. All right. Floppy is boiled bones. Do they go floppy? Floppier than boiled dicks. Here we go. You can just put... What? What do you want? You don't want to miss a single second of your...

Of your laboured breathing as you use one arm to put on your... Listen, now that we've done this, we might as well make it as... Dick helmet. I feel like this is, you know, something that we really want to document every second of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the court. Yes, true. I love you. I love you. Yay. Wonderful. Alright, do you want to do a conversation starter? I would love to. So my idea for this is because you're just up.

Not even out of bed. We're literally still on bed. Still lying in bed. This could be our audition for Breakfast Radio. So g'day! You're here with Timbo and the Dream. Hey, this is the Dream. Timbo, why don't you get your little dick out? All right, mate. I'll bloody get it out. Make it angry. Get it big like a Mario. Feed your little dick a mushy. Make it get all big.

Feed it a flower and it'll shoot fire like it was bloody last weekend to do that much, Timbal. Bloody listen, got with a girl and she gave me a disease. Yeah, yeah, they'll bloody do it, mate. She was a goodness. I know I will. She gave me an illness. The dream. The dream's packed full of microbes. And teeth of other people. All right, well, here are the headlines for today.

Archie born without eyes. What a miracle! Yay! Our baby came out without those inconvenient eyes! My child has so much more room on the face for all his noses. Now I can finally put my craftiness to use and use those googly eyes I've had sitting around. Can you just get like a Macca's logo tattooed on the kid and then ask them for money? Why? Because you've got so much more real estate there. Because you're advertising. Because that blank skin. Yeah. Yeah, good.

Alright. That's one of them. I think that's because it probably just came out too early. I think you would just hold it back up there for a bit. Do your kegels. You reckon that it was made foot to tip? Yes. Yeah. So it's got grouse toes. It's kind of like women were the original 3D printers. We all know that. And it does it the same way a 3D printer does. It just goes like... toes. Tip of toes. Absolutely. Tip of footy bottom.

Yeah. As we all know, when you see an ultrasound, the baby is standing in a T pose, perfectly upright with its arms out at like a 50 degree angle. No, it's, well, you wouldn't know that because it would only be like up to the knees at that point if you're getting the ultrasound. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. You don't get an ultrasound right before you give birth. There's probably a baby in there. What you would get.

What you get in an ultrasound is two little baby feet standing on their own as if a baby had been blown up by an old tiny dynamite. Yeah. I think that if you looked in the womb, you would just see all the code from the Matrix. Right. That's why the labia actually evolved, so we would stop seeing the green code flickering on a black background.

so people could get to sleep. It developed a curtain. It was casting too many shadows on the walls of the cave. Yeah, so women weren't just like meat projectors. Alright.

Train strikes still on the cards as marathon dorks end with no deal. Marathon dorks? Dorks! Marathon talks. Not marathon dorks. The people who are just crazy about running 42 kilometers. I think that's it. Is it miles? I don't know. What? No, it's kilometers. How long the marathon is? Oh, right. Yeah, I didn't. What do you think I know? I'm in bed at 11.30. I don't know how long a marathon is. Hey, you're in bed at 11.28am. And you know plenty of stuff.

Tell me one. You tell me one thing I know. This is a potential breaker. Ask me a question that you have never asked me before but think that I would know the answer to. All right. What is a particularly virulent fandom on Tumblr? No, because you know that I know the answer to that. Deep down. All right. Super Who Lock. Supernatural, Doctor Who, Sherlock. All combined together. Super Who Lock is the name of the fandom. And it makes me so fucking mad. Oh man, I feel poorer for having a...

known that. You fucking asked. Welcome back to You Fucking Asked.

We get questions from you, the listeners, and you fucking asked. And also, when I was putting the name of the show into Libsyn, I didn't have an N on my computer. You fucking asked. what i said it was gold so it's you fucking asked you fucking asked yeah cool I was trying to correct for my blocked nose. The N fell off because I spent too much time typing a certain word. Banana. I don't know what you thought of.

Annika is often in the word banana. Banana is the real N-word. It has triple the amount of beep. Oh, wow. Their podcast got cut off. Libsyn Bantam, you're now in bed at 11.30 a.m. By the way, two minutes is left. Oh, no! You know, it's good. It's good. You're right now. Stop flailing. Spill my coffee on my bed. Stop. Stop leaving a cup of coffee. mattress. I don't feel I'm the unreasonable one here. I've set up a work meeting at an entirely reasonable day. And I've even brought refreshments.

I feel refreshed. All right. So what are your thoughts on this way of doing the podcast? No, it's great. I love it. Okay, cool. The train strike is there. That means I have no escape. If we're doing... If we are on Breakfast Radio, you probably wouldn't say there's a train strike. You'd probably have a catchphrase or something. Oh, okay. Well, slap my... Pussy! Alright! And then a... Yeah, and a meow. Meow. Oh, it likes it!

It's a good pussy. No, I don't like slap my pussy. Let me think of a new one. Well, put Margaret in the bin! Put what in the bin? Margaret. Margaret. Put Margaret in the bin. She's copping it. Oh, no. What a deep bin we have in this office. Absolutely. They recorded an office. This is just like a podcast. I think I'm getting sick. Yeah. All right. Oh, here's one. Eight irresistible islands on Australia's doorstep. Okay. Okay. Oh, is that it?

Well, if I click on them, I'm going to be taken away from the front page, which is what I'm using to get all these good headlines. Piece of shit. I mean, I can do it if you want. Wait, so read it out again. Eight irresistible islands on Australia's doorstep. That's because you're strong of will, Drim. You're strong of will and weak of mouth. That's why you have that awful tone. Oh, I've got one muscle in my body. This is the only part of me that I can move, not through paralysis, but by choice.

When you say strong of Will, do you mean... Never mind. It was going to be about Anderson. Yeah, of course. Everything, all bits lead back to Will. Alright, and now we have...

Best of Fairfax cartoons, January 23rd. So, above the cartoon is the words annual tennis parents camp camp camp comp Great news, it's comp. No, what it says is annual parents' camp, camp, camp, comp. Good news, it's comp. So that's above the cartoon. Yes. And then to the far left is a person, an adult, with their mouth open.

Wearing tennis clothes, a baseball cap and shorts and a yellow t-shirt. How far open? Like, if they were a true human being and this same sense of scale was put onto a real mouth, they would... Be dead. Undoubtedly be dead. Yeah, okay. They would have had their... Someone who would have put their hands in on the upper and lower jaw and just... Right. Or maybe some kind of saw trap.

some kind of jigsaw trap that he's trapped you in because you do drugs and that's bad and you should realize that your life is perfect without them. I'm a clown. Wanna play a freaking game? Hey guys, Jigsaw here. It's him riding it. I know. It took me a second. That is the worst jigsaw impression I've ever heard. The laugh that the little clown on the bike does is definitely like a recording of, I think, Tigger.

So it's like, he's downloaded that sound. Well, that's what it's like. We can watch a clip of it or something. I'll play it. Oh, too scary for me. Oh. Oh, such a weirdo clown. Oh, he may go to twap. He put people in building. For me, that's the really scary bit. Just the idea of being trapped in a building with people. It's like a party you can't leave and I don't even have my phone to check.

I want to sit next to somebody on the bus. I'd rather stand. That is you. Ten seconds into being chained to that guy, I'd be like, oh, so, what? So what did you do before? What did you do before? There was one that really fucked me up where it was like, how am I meant to get out of this?

like there was like a machine in the middle of the room and these two people were chained to it and it um once you like woke up it kind of started wrapping the chain around itself and was kind of like going into like a like it was going to suck you into it. And they had it like around their necks. And one of them had their mouth sewn shut and the other one had their eyes sewn shut. So like one of them was only able to be like,

So the one without the eyes just tried to attack them. And it was like, what am I learning? What's the lesson? Yeah. What's the lesson here? You had eyes and you just looked at everything willy-nilly. Why did he look at things that matter like painting or maybe a drawing of a boy? Don't look at panting or child fussy. No, you don't have eyes and you're with a person who always talked about their dreams. Always talk about. Because they wasted their mouth. Yeah.

Talking about their dreams and eating ghost drops. Hey, I'm a clown and you can't see it, but okay, I'm going to describe it for you. I'm like two feet tall. And I'm on a tricycle. And I know that sounds crazy. I'm not a real guy. I'm a little toy. Anyway. So we all know that little puppets can't ride bikes or speak. What my movie presupposes is...

Hello, welcome to My Pitch. What you see in front of you is, of course, a tiny weirdo clown. And welcome to My Bitch. It's a podcast within a podcast. Oh my god.

All right, what's the... And that person is saying, get out there and show the kid you're the best or I'll thrash you. What? And they're standing by a kid. Oh. And then over the... other side of the court is a mirror image of the person and the kid and they're saying remember you're nothing if you don't grind that little wimp into the court so that so that's meant to be like Like one of them served an insult of being a parent. One of them has been like, I'm the angriest.

Perhaps. Say more. Alright. Oh my god! There's nine of these. No! Alright, we have... Oh, my God. All right, put it down. Have you managed to pass anything? Asks someone. And then a little figure who I think you'll recognize once I'm finished describing him. orange-faced blonde head the hair's drawn ridiculous oh yeah but it may be so in real life and also they're behind in front of an american flag

And they're sitting at a desk and the desk has a big stand on it that says stable genius. And that person replies to the question, have you managed to pass anything with just the blame? Hey. Oh, Trump. Is that what you were talking about? Yeah, man. I was like, Garfield doesn't wear a wig. President Garfield. Oh, my God. New rule. There are two Tuesdays now. No rule. All right, what are you going to say? My ovaries hurt really bad.

Right now. I would love some pills to deal with that. Do you want to go get you some pills? I'll do it. No, I want to leave you on mic. No. Please don't leave me here alone. Because I made this handy box. Oh, good. Full of Pandamax. Handybox to fill your pandemonium box. Wait, do I eat Pandamax or Panadol? Which one is it? They're both the same, dude. Okay. One of them's like a generic version, I think. Pandamax? Yeah.

Do I take two? Yeah. All right. Well, one of the pills dropped on the floor and she's going in to get it. In it goes. How do your ovaries hurt? Just by like being in pain and sort of just like existing. What do you mean, how do they hurt? Do you want me to describe it so that you can imagine? Welcome to Woman-splaining, where one man, an idiot, asks questions to women that only they can answer. Even if I told you... how it hurts. You don't have ovaries to... to...

Happy half-off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half the price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So...

That means a half day. Yeah. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. A front payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed flow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com.

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Ain't it? It's just like having buried balls. Yeah. Like if I took your balls, just buried them in one of the pot plants in one of those cacti we have on the windowsill. And I was like, how does that feel? You'd be like, oh, no, good. I feel like I need Choccy in a bath. Oh, it feels emotional.

A little trash person. You just gagged. Is that because you put the floor pill in your mouth? No, it's because... I can't taste floor. Well... It's not that strong a flavour. I reckon if you gave... me two things and one of them had been cooked on a stove and then the other one had been cooked on the floor i could taste it cooked on the floor not to be not a break but i'm a god uh i just realized people are trying to get in touch with me because

Because I have a TV spot tonight and I haven't sent them my script. Oh, my God. You're a fucking mess. I'm not a mess. I just don't want to talk to them. It's a good thing that this podcast is so obstructively named that your management will never listen to it. I saw my guy. My guy. My guy. Talking about. My guy. Michael Topple. I went to see my agent Michael Topple, who is a wonderful man, constantly baffled at my attempts to make myself uncastable. He... is good. Oh, man. I don't know.

It's also dumb. I mean, like, agent and representation. Yeah, it's really dumb. No, it's much better. But I love it! It's much better than the alternative. It still sucks. Alright. You excited for your spot? No. Jeez. I don't want to do it. Yeah. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Yeah. Yeah. You want some of my jokes?

I don't know if I have the throat for them. I don't know if I can be that loud and angry. They're real screamers. Yeah. How about you take one of my... one of my classic insomnia jokes oh yeah like um bloody this aladdin guy you hear about this aladdin guy

You have to be the audience. Okay, I'll be a regular audience. Go ahead. Say it again. Okay, but I can't help but feel like... Okay, so you know this Aladdin guy? No, we do not. As a collective, we have never heard of the man Aladdin. Okay, well that's all. Well, that was one person for the audience, so just fucking wait. Well, I'm here, Emma. Old school southern gentleman. I can't say I've heard a heart or a hair of this Aladdin fella. Goo goo ga ga. I'm not a baby, I just have a kink.

We are sperm in balls of the man above us. We long for release but fear the world that brings pain. I'm a lice. Yum, yum, yum. Skull. Hi, excuse me. Chair here. Sorry, I can't talk up much. I've got a butt on me. Hello, it is I, Negative Space. I'm bloody Tom Ballard. Hello. You're on my show tonight, Lee. Mic stand, drop, clonk. Gush, gush, gush. I like when he gushes. Yeah, dude. One of my favourite things he does is gush.

All right. So, you know this Aladdin guy? Yeah. Wait, no, we just established you don't. Anyway, here's the joke. After that establishment. This is all verbatim and you have to deliver it like this. Even this? If you tuned into Demi on tonight and she said this, including this. Yeah. This bit that I'm saying now on the show, you'll know we haven't broken up. Yeah, but my bit will be played by Tom in this instance. And he'll be saying that as well. We share everything. You know this Aladdin guy?

He rubs a lamp and gets three wishes. You kidding me? The only thing I get when I rub a lamp is asked to leave Ikea. But why would they ask you to leave? He's really rubbing it. I'm freaking get in there, dude. Bloody rubbing it raw. Yeah, man. I'm rubbing it through one side and out the other. And it's like a touch lamp, so it's also just making everything flicker. And everyone's going... And as soon as you leave, they're like, oh, who turned off the sandstorm? Because...

It also controlled the music for some reason.

Wow, I really like the world you guys are building. Do you have any options considered for the IKEA Aladdin joke verse? Because I think there's a really rich world there. What's this negative space guy doing? How are you feeling about me waking you up? Like, it's fine that you wake me up. Just like my... pussy feels like it's gone to hell. It probably has because of all those sins you put in there. Oh, that's true. That's where I keep them. Yeah, dude.

Write them all down in an old ancient scroll. It just appears when I do something wrong. Welcome to hypotheticals. Would you go to heaven if it meant your pussy had to go to hell? What do you mean if it means your pussy gets to go to hell? It's a 24-7 party down there, are you kidding me? And they have all the good music.

Nickelback. They've got all the gays. They've got all the people fucking out of wedlock. They've got Charles Manson. Admittedly, that's a bit of a downturn. No, but he did have a... Bug-dongus. Bug? He had a bug-dongus, and by that I mean it was real hot. He had a dick that was 50 roaches. Yeah. I want to die. Welcome back to 50 Roaches. Here's one. Squink. Okay. I grabbed it by its sides. That's why it said squink out loud. It was like, excuse me, Demi, squink.

He squeezed the air out of it and it came out just as its little roach mouth was making the word squink. Squink. Squink. What? I don't know. Are you going to get another tattoo?

Oh no, man. The two tattoos I have now are an X, which links... Welcome back to Two Tattoo, where we talk about the theme song to Ship to Shore. do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do on his hip the other is a big old joke but he got as a big old joke Hannah Gadsby is a good one

Yeah, I got nominated for Barry Ward and then I got the tattoo on my arm when I got nominated that said Barry Award winner 2017. And the next day when it was announced. Next week. I had it on my arm for a week. Oh, right. Or two weeks. I don't know. That'd be crazy. I'm a freak out wild card. And then when Hannah Gadsby won the award that we were nominated for, I got winner crossed out and replaced with nominee.

Anyway. In your handwriting. Yes. Which is great. In my handwriting, and not only that, but my handwriting, which was on a tram at the time. So it is substandard is a kind way of saying it. Yeah, I don't know. I would like to get another tattoo. My mum freaks out about them a bit. Why? Because she cares about you? Yeah. Wouldn't know. Yeah. Wait, your mum? Care? Hang on. Who is mother?

I know enough to know that they don't care about me, but I don't really know what they are. Your brain zooms in on the word mother and there's just the sound of fingers typing into a keyboard and then the duh of your Mac not finding anything. Zero results. Yeah. Fuck. Your search return, no results, Demi Lardner. If there were zero results for mum in your life, it would be better.

Oh, mum, you mean big drunk lady. She's not big, she's tiny. Oh, big compared to you at the time. Oh, yeah, true. But not now. Yeah, I don't know. I would like to get another tattoo. I've been thinking about them a lot. See, the thing, you can do that to anything I say. And it immediately undercuts me in front of the audience. That's me talking, guys. That's me. What would you get? What's your next one? I don't know. I'd like to get something I drew.

Something tasteful behind my ear. Like maybe a music clef. I'm going to get a tiny tattoo behind my ear. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What are you going to get? Just the word ear. Stupid. I would love to get, I don't know, maybe... Drunk.

I freaking love them. Party all night long. Oh, have we talked about that yet? I went to the Wenger Boys last year when they were in Melbourne while I still live there. Yeah. And they were like basically just kind of edging everybody because that like just playing the Vengabus horn like in every song. No. Like remember that song's coming. Just like doing that. And we were like, and then just didn't.

The best bit of the show, actually, was our friend Levin's DJing between all the sets. Yeah. Because we also saw a bunch of other, like, old artists. Fuck, who did we see? It was like an old... It was like people in the vein of S Club 7 and... Yeah, it was all 90s artists. Who sings? Do you reckon the members of S Club 7 are in a tontine? They're not called S Club 7. No, there is. When it gets down from S Club 5, which is the current number, to S Club 1.

They get all the art they've stolen over their time? I'm pretty sure there's only two remaining original members. Really? And they're just called S Club now. Yeah, S Club 2 doesn't have a ring to it. No, no, no. The S Club 2 sounds like, absolutely sounds like some shooters. What is it? What's the song? Bring it all back to you. They're singing while they're shooting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the mime of a gun was real important to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was running out of air in my lungs. Too much water was going to your pussy to make sure it could feel pain as much as it can. It feels okay now. Who's the person that sings Jack, Jack, Jackie? I don't know. But you were there with like a lot of Vengaboys adjacent groups. Yeah, it was actually fucking sick. But there was one 90s act. or early 2000s act. I forgot about this. They did a cover.

of Sex on Fire. And it was at least three beats late, the whole song. Like, didn't have a band, just a backing track, and didn't correct themselves. It was the worst thing I've ever heard. Fuck. And then the Vengaboys came on. They were like teasing us with Vengabus like all night. They don't have the deepest discography in the world. Actually, I was surprised by like, oh yeah, we're going to eat pizza. It's Ibiza, but it's eat pizza. Come on.

And they got to maybe like the middle of their set and they go, so sometimes we're, so sometimes I don't know where they're from. They're ridiculous accents. Sometimes we write new songs when we're just in hotel rooms together. And usually they're crap. But...

Sometimes we come up with something like this. This is already the saddest thing in the world. This was not an ironic thing that they said. And these were the lyrics to the song, which I listened very hard on the first chorus so I could turn to my friends and sing it right in their face screaming. love this song it was um i'm gonna get drunk and party all night long

I wanna get wasted. Tonight I can make it. Let's have some fun. Like, oh yeah, most of them are crap, but like sometimes you come up with something like this. Sometimes you come up with a real banger like... I want to get drunk. You guys ever have that feeling? You guys ever think, hey, what if that Black Eyed Peas song, but without the problematic use of retarded? Do you think their manager was like, finger boys, you need to be more relatable.

Yeah, we can't picture you guys having fun and doing regular people things. Like singing about how nice it is to get wasted and have fun. I hate the idea of them drinking. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah.

I'm Googling it right now to see if we can chuck it in at the end of the episode. Fuck yeah. You could Google it later when you're editing it, but. No, absolutely not. I refuse. All the work I do on the podcast. happens on the podcast you the other day when we had people over for dinner they were like oh my god your house is so clean now and you were like the trick to that is having a girlfriend that cleans compulsively

Which was the most like, I have a girlfriend, I'm really like, it's clean. Yeah. Assuming that I'm not the biggest fucking grub of all time who didn't have one shower when she went to Melbourne. Yeah, but that's the thing. You become filthy in direct comparison to how... clean your surroundings become that's true but like you take all of the filth of a giant house with two people in it yeah and then concentrate it into yourself yeah i'm like if pig pen lived in the sistine chapel

Yeah, that sucked to me, but I didn't mean that. You didn't mean it, but you said it. They don't know me that well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I stand by it for that reason. I have a reputation to uphold. Oh, you fucker. As a truth teller. You're a piece of shit. Ooh, I'm a piece of shit. And I whispered to you, you're going to have to make them realise how grubby I am later in the night because you just misrepresented me. Alright, well. But you didn't.

Anyway, guys, that's Demi Lardner. She just ate a pill off the ground to fix her fucking hell pussy. Hell pussy, what do you think about that? I'm not sure about it. Oh, wow. Choked on its own tongue at the end there, huh? Choked on the brood that I'm currently gestating. Yeah. Oh, no. I just sort of have them like a child fruit. Just sort of.

Lay them in vines along the ground. You have to be careful not to step on them. Oh, my ovaries hurt. I haven't put down a sack of eggs in a while. If you turn up to Comedy Festival with a sack of... dream eggs on your back and carrying them around like a mother spider. Yeah. No one would be surprised. I was just about to say the exact same thing. In my brain, though, the sack is sort of attached underneath my leg. I have to crab walk everywhere. And it's like in Aliens where...

Big Lady, you know when she rips her whole butt off so she can chase Cigaroonie Weavers? Wait, do you think that the protagonist of Aliens is the Alien Queen and her name is Big Lady? That's what we're... Yeah. Okay, good. What was your... I thought it was really interesting because they didn't show the protagonist until the last 15 minutes of the movie. That is really cool. They just showed that she was really trying to bring down those dastardly humans. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're trying to do industrial work. It's so weird because she rips her butt off and then Bishop gets ripped in half. And it's like, well, Sigaruni, what are you going to do about it? And she just doesn't. She doesn't do any ripping. And which would be triggering for those two? Because they would be like, you can still get your bottom half.

And she's like, yeah, this is what I do. Like a fucking cis man. So are you saying that she needs to check her by having privilege? She's not an ally. She needed to rip her bottom half off if she wanted to make those other two protagonists feel comfortable. I would hate to be chopped in half.

And I've thought about this. Oh, you have? Yeah, man. Like at length, more than just like, that would be bad? Yeah, I've thought about just being chopped enough and then be like, oh no. And then just like seeing my legs somewhere else. Because you don't know what you've got until it's gone. My legs is Tom's adopted son. Seeing my legs. My legs. Hello. Can I come into the podcasting studio? Wait, you already have.

You need to ask before. You need to get written consent from one of us, which we won't give. Okay, I'm going back to the door. Thank you. It's cold somehow. My legs, you're standing by the open fridge. Oh, yes. I want so badly to be a cube of ice. Well, that's the worst character there's been so far. I want a sub-ballot to be a cuba, but I can't feel being not loved. All right. I love the idea of you, my legs. Thank you for saying...

Oh no, I tripped on my own feet and got my head stuck in the shelf. Look at him. Your son. That's my kid, dude. Not my blood. I got him the same way I got all my children, by making a real big wish. I've never had sex, but I do wish real good. I wished on one of my baby eyes when I pulled it out of my skull.

Tied it to a door and slammed it. Don't worry, guys. That was one of my baby eyes. Oh, he's losing his baby eyes so early. He came out with them. He must be really advanced. I have terrible news. No, my miracle baby. It was born without eyes and screaming. That's such an interesting... Like, why does it have to be a miracle? That's not a miracle. Like, it wasn't...

I would assume not having eyes doesn't mean you're at risk of not coming out of the puss. Miracle Comedy Festival show somehow has no jokes. Wow, I can't believe God deigned to give us a baby without eyes. It's just like, it doesn't have to find the opening itself. Like, it just sort of comes out. So it not having eyes isn't... If anything, it's a help.

Because you're going to get distracted by how cool the pussy looks and want to stay in there. Yeah, this is great. You just know how bad it feels. You know how the pussy's all covered in sharp? It is covered in sharp. Yeah, it's like the pokey. Yeah. Fuck. All right, guys. That'll do it for this week. Bye.

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