episode 5 - DO YOU REMEMBER

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Bigsofttitty.png Bigsofttitty.png Bigsofttitty.png Bigsofttitty.png Bigsofttitty.png Hey buddy, how's it going? Hey. Hey, I'm recording here. Hey, I'm sick of this joke here. Hey, this is getting hacked over here. Hey, this isn't how we speak over here. Nah, you paisa. I'm also from New York. And I'm from New York as well. But I have a...

A habit of setting my head far back on my neck. Yes, I'm a snake that's also in New York. Ooh, that's good. Here I come. Ooh, hey, I'm slithering here. Bloody chomp. It's what a snake does. I'm picturing a snake with human teeth and let me tell you, fucking loving it. I did a show called that once. This is a reference I can enjoy. I'm three whiskeys deep.

Great. As long as you preface everything with, that's a reference I can enjoy. So our listeners will be like, oh, okay, it's not for me. And for me. I had a show called Birds with Human Lips. You said snake with human teeth. and I was like ha ha like me okay cool well now they've had the reference explained to them they're gonna love it oh yeah whiskey is good um

Patting while I take a sip. Yeah, man. You put me on the spot. And sometimes these improv bones just completely leave the body. Improv bones. It's the improv bones. It's a skeleton that doesn't know what he's going to say. Improv bones. Improv bones. It's the opposite of the... Funny bone. It's not the humorous, but it's supportive.

And there used to be a thing that... What's that thing that people say when they're doing stand-up? They're like, oh, it was good for on the spot. Is that it? What? It was good for off the cuff. It's a gross thing. Have you ever encountered it? I've said that a billion times. It feels really awful to remember it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

So when's the last time you went to the dentist? Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. I need to book the dentist. And if you're listening to this, you probably need to, too. You don't have your life together. Whee! Go get yourself checked. Get those chompers you looked at. Yeah. Ask the doctor to check you for herpos. Yeah, it's good. You've got to get those herpos checked. They're going to do it anyway once you're under. Yeah. What? They're going to drop your Dax and be like, hey.

Everyone gather around. Drop your jacks and clean your plaques. Yeah, man. I love comedy. If I was a dentist and I'm not. If I was a dentist I would be played by Steve Martin Wow If I was a dentist, I would have a favourite tune. Oh, good again. It was so good before, and I'm really excited to see that the sequel brings a lot of the same things to the table. You've seen that fucking movie now, and you just don't want to join in.

I've seen it once. Yeah. Join it. And I vaguely remember that. If I was a damn test, I would be a blue king. Fuck yes. This is what people don't pay us for. Yeah. Oh man, this is the reason we're paid the big zero.

This is why people pay that sweet zero money. The big zero is what people call people who are dying of not cancer. The big zero is the screenplay they wrote where Kamil Nanjiani... Dates a girl and then she just gets hit by a car and dies. It's the one where he's dating a cum. That's how old she is. That's the dishwasher going off.

Yeah. In the background. I was worried people were going to be able to hear that. Yeah, that's not just a machine laughing at Demi's cum joke. Yeah, sorry. We have a dishwasher. Kumail Nanjiani sitting down across the table from a cub and being like, so what brings you to... No. Absolutely had an internal debate. Weighted up in my head. What did the internal debate sound like? It sounded a bit like this.

Tom, I was wondering if you could do the accent because it is so funny. And then the part of me that isn't all about comedy was like, I don't know. I just think it might be offensive. Book me for voiceover ads. I'm going to do banks and swords. Banks, swords, sword banks, bank guns. That you use to rob banks. Oh, my God. Or shoot banks. Azalea banks. The gun shoots a woman who raps and kills chickens in the cupboard. What? Did you not see these fucking videos?

There are videos of Azalea Banks. Like, oh, no, she's cleaning out her, like, chicken sacrificing cupboard in her house. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That. Completely rules, by the way. It's probably the worst thing. Like, it is, but it's a hypothetical thing that a rapper is into. Very into it. Yeah. To have someone be super into animal sacrifice? I like doing raps and I'm good at it. Also, I'm a witch. Yeah, wow. That's her career trajectory. Jesus Christ.

Why are you so mad at me this episode? Because you're constantly interrupting me. Because I have the number of sentences I've been able to say in full. This is like the sixth one, period. There, it's gone. You're not going to get a chance at that one. But all the other... I've just been you. You literally just free associated from a sword banks. Yes. Into a story about Azalea Banks. Yes.

This doesn't count as me talking. Just because I'm saying the same words as you doesn't mean that... Oh, my God. Okay. I'm a little bitch. I said that? That was dumb. I can't believe I said that into the microphone. All right, go through your little conversation, guys. I can't believe I said what's on my t-shirt.

The rumors are true, guys. I got a t-shirt printed up. It says, I'm a little bitch. And then I've got another t-shirt printed up, which has the same thing, but it's printed upside down so I can read it while I'm wearing it. One that's printed regular and then one that's printed that you wear 3D glasses to read that says I'm a little bitch. Wait, so is it like a magic eye? Like the red-green glasses. You know when you used to play that Jumanji game?

No. Alright, fucking talk about your phone. Alright, well, Jesus Christ. No, do you remember when you used to go to 3D movies and it was just red and green in the glasses? No. I'm sorry. I don't. And I wish that I could lie to you and keep this bit going. But I don't remember going to a movie and being given the opportunity. Going to a movie. Don't remember going to a movie. Don't remember eating the popcorn.

Don't remember a chock-a-topper. Don't remember she grabbing my dick. Don't remember she grabbing my dick. The day Italian becomes a not okay accent to do, I will cry. Oh, man. It's going to really suck. It's a problematic, what do you do? Oh, don't you know that I have a... The racism, like a grandma used to do. Yeah, that's the thing. They're racist enough that you can pretty much...

I completely stand by it and I'll say it about any European country. Go on. Yeah, the race is enough. It's fine.

Are you going to do the thing? Oh, yeah. So I was talking to Demi and I was like, oh, I've started a little notes folder in my phone that's things I keep meaning to bring up on the podcast but then forget about. And let me tell you, telling her that... Bad idea. Because if you want to get made fun of by someone, absolutely mention that you have a little note full of conversation starters.

That you add to on the train. I'm so mad they're not on palm cards. Give me five minutes. Okay, go. Okay, good. No, I was just naming my favourite bands that have quirky video clips. Oh my god. Suck my clit. Oh, cool. I love them, dude. I will, but just before we go on, I think we can both agree that now the lowest form of wit.

used to be sarcasm now sarcasm absolutely rules and the lowest form of wit is oh that's my favorite band oh god I can't with it yeah it's so bad you know what else I can't adult Welcome to I Can't Adult. Welcome. We're talking about going to the laundry and taking coins there. And also maybe we decided this voice was sexist last episode, but I automatically go into it. Yeah, we are talking about it. that which is what Tom said a minute ago. Yeah.

Let's talk about how I have too many fairy lights in my house and not enough tax receipts. I can't stop eating ice cream for breakfast and I hit a man in my car and I didn't stop. I practice self-care by hitting dogs with my car and then not getting out. I've been in a bubble bath for three days. I'm just having a hard time. I'm basically a Jessica Soup at this point. All my skin is broken down and it's like I've been bitten by a...

Because the inside of me is just floating organs in a little soup. Have you seen that one scene in The Shining where Jack Torrance touches that old lady and her back comes off? That's me. To a T. But fairy lights. Yeah, okay, here we are. String them up around the house for a nice little vibe of uh-oh. Being old is young again. I lost an eye on my gap year.

All right, what did you want to talk about? I love making money in my job and then using a credit card to make purchases that define me as an adult. Man. Yeah. As someone who's shit at a lot of stuff, I really feel like I dodged a bullet by not running to the shield of adulting. Oh, yeah. Like, because I fucking suck. You am fucking suck. We can agree on me being fucking suck. Me am fucking suck. I'm also fucking suck. I am fucking suck. You are fucking suck. We. Just like yes in French.

Jesus Christ. We all fucking suck. No, wait. Were you about to say something about... Like, because... Do you mean, like... The people who, like... you were friends with in school have gone and no not many of them just like a few of them have been like very adulting much Here I am. I'm reading comic book. It book with picky. Can I... I'm having chippy from Macca. Adult much?

I had four hash brown from Macca this morning. What? Yum, yum, yum. Did you? Yeah. I was at the airport time. Oh, yeah, you were at the airport. Well, I don't see that I deserve that language. I was at the airport, cunt. It gave birth to me. Ah. Slooped me straight into the Maccas. See, that's interesting because I have to go to the cunt airport because I've been a bit of a bloody too much of a nuisance online.

I'm a bad guy. They put me with all the others. That's me. So these conversation starters. These are things that I've wanted to talk about but haven't been able to. Because I forget them. Possibly in a moment of subconscious self-censorship. It's so funny that I got through subconscious self-censorship the first time. And had to circle back just then. I can't fucking speak. That's you. Oh, cool. Do you want to hear you? Go. Oh, no.

You fucker. I'm not your fucking dancing monkey. That is me. Yeah. No, you is, I'm a dancing monkey. I literally is a dancing monkey. You are. Absolutely a dancing monkey. You am suck. I is dancing monkey. Yeah, dude. Go on. Okay. What kind of gladiator would you be? Oh, my fucking God. I was thinking about this. I was on the train and I was like, I really hope I'd be one of those guys with a net and a trident. Oh, fuck. I would be one of the gorillas that fucks a woman to death for sodomizing.

So you don't know as much about gladiatorial battles as me then from your silence? No, I would say that I know an okay amount about gladiatorial battles. I would say what you've described as... Part of the circus, but certainly doesn't feature any gladiators. It's the lead up to the gladiator. Wait, they opened with a gorilla fucking awoke? Yeah! Yeah, man! Imagine... Following that? Like, is it the gorillas' first gig or something? Do you reckon they reused the gorillas? I mean...

If they have like one gorilla that's real good at fucking sodomites to death. Yeah. Sometimes they used wolves as well, which is like their teeth are too sharp. Actually, oh no, gorillas are so strong. Oh no. I don't know. Oh, what happens when a gorilla is a sodomite? I reckon you get less fucked by a wolf. Oh, yeah, no, that's...

A very good point. Like, certainly it's less of a fucking Twilight Zone, like being fucked, do you? Well, compared to being fucked by a freaking gorilla. I feel like, but I feel like. It's less of an ironic punishment. It's all just like, oh, yeah, well, we've got an appropriate punishment. For you, which is wolves. I love that Twilight Zone where Mads Mikkelsen says, Yeah, you like being fucked, do you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just want to be fucked, so now it's a monkey.

He's a bloody ape. I don't want to anymore. Too bad. I feel like there was a thing where it's like they would put a pelt over the woman. And when a wolf's that horny, it's not going to not fuck what's in front of it. Sure, they've been like talking dirty to it for a few days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've been holding up like pictures of wolf tits. They're like, they had the wolf.

just kind of like touching its thumbs and then making it text a girl like, ha-ha, okay, so what would you be doing if I was there right now? Oh, man. Do you finger yourself? Is that how you think wolves get horny? That's how 14-year-old boys, a.k.a. wolves, are texting. What's your favourite shape? Are you a virgin? Whoops.

Well, sorry, my friend sent that, but if you want to reply to it, that's fine. My cousin was on the computer lol jokes. Yeah, but anyway, what's your boob like? What's your boob like? Triangle, square. How many corner does boob have? I remember having triangle boob when I was younger. How severe? Like...

I mean, I didn't have it for very long, but... Doctor, she's got a bad case of triangle boob. It's extreme. We tried to get her in here on a gurney and she took out the eyes of two interns who peered over to have a look. It's just two vortexes on my chest and it's shooting pyramids. out into doctors oh my god no i had like i had like like complete triangle boob when i was just getting boobs it was like dink dink and i was like oh

And it's, like, at the same time that, like, you're starting to, like, as a girl, it's, like, usually that's around the same time that you're starting to get BO and you're, like, I have to remember to put on a bra and DIY to rent. Oh, man. Oh, no. Yeah, it all comes at once. That's so funny. You also gestured there that they're pretty far apart. So I would say you had, it looks like, just to give your mime context, that you had basically nipples on a stick.

Nipples on a stick. Oh, my God. Nipples. Nipples on a stick. Holy shit. Oh! Nééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééé

I was looking in your eyes and I was like, please, you've got to do it. You can't wimp out on this. We both know where we're both at in the song, okay? You know when you're coming in. If there's one thing you know about me, it's that I know. Know the structure of disturbs down with the sickness. And know exactly how many bars there are before the ooh-wah-ah-ah-ah. I can't believe how syllabically perfect you just got that.

And the amount of relief that rushed through my chest when I heard you do it. Fucking hell. Alright, what's the next conversation starter? Because that went great. Yeah, that must be like how you feel when like you're... Because there's a danger when you have a... baby that it hasn't done a shit oh what yeah like when you when you have just had a baby yeah you know that you when you have a child and it hasn't done a poo in a while and it's like

That's a danger, like that's a health danger. Yeah. And then so when it pulls it off, you're like, oh good, it did the terrible thing. And the shit like slugs out like caterpillars out of the baby's butt and just turns to you and goes, wah! Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, man. Isn't that fucking rad, though? What if your turds talked? No, not if my turds talked, but if you had a child and its shit came out. Okay, already I'm on board because I freaking love having a child. Yeah.

I'm very aware. Yeah, absolutely. Demi hasn't been getting on well with my son. Daniel, get in here. Daniel's his middle name. His first name is, of course, Will with one L. Will! Rove McManus. Will Rove McManus untuck your brother Daniel and tell him to untuck your other brother Tyson? Oh my God. Why have you brought all your kids into this tiny apartment?

There's not enough room for me, the fourth kid. And I'm the one you fuck. How much literage do you think my body takes up? Blended. I reckon I could fit you. Are we talking the solids blended or is it with the fluids? Am I chucking the whole demi in a blender? Alright, it's a whole demi in a blender. And this is the only way you can come. This is... You say I blend up and then you just see a little out of the liquid.

Your pussy flubs up to the top? Flubs up to the top and goes, thank you! I can picture you in a blender spinning rapidly just going, wee! You're just ground into a pulp. All right, so I reckon you would... But you've got to think about this. There's like kind of spongy tissue in the body. Yes. That wouldn't take... Like there's probably like porous stuff like the bones, I think.

there's a certain amount of like there's an amount that different bits of your body get that get ground up how many liters i reckon you would be storable in a duffel bag Yeah, right. That was too quick for you to say that. I just... It's also very unsettling that I know where they are. Off the top of my head, 17 litres. Sorry for just being smart, dude.

I have a certain amount of intelligence for serial killer shit. Anyway, here are the numbers of relatives that I have to call from your phone. Thanks to the way you've lived, there's one. Was that an impression of me? That's you. Oh, my God. You're autistic. It just feels so good to be seen. With your big friends. All right, next. You hate your parents. Oh, that is me.

I do have a big fringe. You don't know. Yeah, but if I let it grow. Tom won't put product in his hair, guys. Tweet him. Well, this will all be cut. All right. What is the best shape of animal? Loaf. Yeah, I think we both agree on Loaf. I'd also like to put in honorable mention, the sphere or orb. The sphere, I was just about to say sphere. Or what? Orb. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So same. Yeah. Yes. An orb is a sphere.

There's always a sphere, but with certain mystery about it. Oh, come on. I will not back down from this. If you're telling me that you don't have... This is the one hill you'll die on. This is the one hill I'll die on and I plan on dying on it tonight. Because I'm going to Perth on Friday and I don't want to. Guess what, everybody? I just got an apartment. Yeah. Yeah, sphere is good. The only thing is, right, rag. Like sloth. You know?

And they say it's only just come to me because obviously we're both agreed on loaf and orb. Perfect animal shapes. Yes. But rag. You know? And by rag you mean like a hanging cloth. Yeah, like a sloth. Basically, a sloth encapsulates that very relaxed cat. Yeah, I get you. But then also, it comes to mind like a whippet. I'm like...

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I love a Whippet real good. They're so skinny and just running always. Yeah. Was that a devo pun? No. Okay. No. I love the whippet. No, it wasn't. Can I tell you about a cute thing that happened to me once? Oh, let me tell you about how much you can tell me about that. Tell me quickly. Because I freaking love cute stuff and I'm ready to hear it. But it can't...

before I'm done with my story about how much I want to be told your story. And so we find ourselves a stalemate. Now this story of yours, I cannot wait to hear it. And let me just say that its approach fills me with such... joy and wonder that I cannot wait for it. Tom, you're going to regret doing this. It is about you and a Hawaiian shirt and that's almost enough that I want to. And let's back up and find out what a VIP is.

Because I assume because it's Weird Al, it must be some kind of funny meaning to it. Perhaps it's a venomous inch-long python. And you get to the VIP area and it's... Packed full of tiny snakes. Security guards everywhere watching. You go. When I was an open slather, I used to constantly pitch Weird Al Gore.

Can I tell you, on the subject of bad sketch pictures, enemy of the show, because as we stated before, there are no friends of the show, only enemies. No friends of the show, only enemies, and only one enemy, Michael Hing. Yeah, yeah. Friend of the enemy of the show. Yeah. Ben Jenkins. Ben Jenkins! Yeah, he got a interview. I cannot remember what it was. I think it was like a... Like a late to some kind of moo cow. He went inside. He got mentioned on a moo cow.

Somebody graffitied Benkins on the side of a cow. Oh, man. All right, where's your fucking story going? Yeah, here we go. It was just that he was in this writer's room and he pitched this sketch after getting in there from doing these student review shows and he pitched a sketch that he hadn't been able to get into his own show. Oh my God. them which was ski pants ninja right so all right so so it's a ninja that's really bad at being a ninja because yeah right and

The way he does it, which I'm now stealing, is just the looks on the faces did not change from the start of the pitch to the end. Holy shit. Yeah, man. Anyway.

Weird Al Jankovic concert, which I am excited to hear about as we've laid the groundwork for. It's not even that great a story. It's just kind of cute in the way that, you know, when we're watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and... Brooklyn Eighteen. Brooklyn Eighteen. Sorry, I just love maths. You know, when we're watching Brooklyn 9-11 and we can... Who's the fat one? Scully. Is it Scully?

uh-huh yeah scully says he says something and i'm like oh it's my dad in that cute way i was at a weird owl concert just because i was like fuck i listened to this so much when i was a kid like with my dad yeah so and like fucking like consummate professional by the way like oh he's incredible he's amazing we we We got to the concert and there was like, and people probably already know this because I reckon a lot of comics and stuff went to this concert in the same way that I did.

man, I really liked Weird Al. It's not really my thing now, but imagine if I didn't go to this. Yeah. I bought fucking VIP tickets. I wore a Hawaiian shirt. And just to give some flavor, the start of the concert...

was like us watching a huge screen. It was at the, not the Palais, maybe the Palais actually in Melbourne. Really, really big. And it started on... a clip of Weird Al like walking through a hallway past like people who were clearly like part of a show and and singing like you know his song Tacky?

That's meant to be a rip-off of Happy. It's like a new one. He's like, because I'm techie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Singing that through the hallways. I'm like, oh, that's really funny. And then he gets outside and the theatre that he's doing it in is... Geographically, right next to Luna Park in Melbourne.

And then we see him come out into a backseat and we're like, wait. And then you can see Luna Park and we're like, he's outside. It's just like a live feed. Oh, wow. To Weird Al doing this song and then coming into the building and then walking down the aisle. That's so cool. I like that.

actual coolest shit ever and it's like a really simple idea but it's like holy fuck that was timed so well because like at the exact point where the chorus broke he like came through the doors yeah like came down the aisles and it was all completely like

and then like did the most high energy concert I've ever seen from anyone, let alone like a 50 something year old man. Yeah. Anyway, I was sitting next to this old lady. I remember they got to... dare to be stupid um and obviously they're all wearing like the devo head things

this old lady had been talking to me since the start of the concert. I was there with my then boyfriend. I'm sorry. And I was like, that was just for Tom. Yeah, I know. And I was sitting there and the latest was a couple of years ago. And the lady was like, Oh, are you just waiting for your parents to come back? I was like, I was 20. Yeah, yeah. 21 or something, 22. And she was like, I don't know how old I am, Tom. I know. You've had to Google Demi Lardner age.

In my eyeshot. I'm... You still don't know. 24. 24. 24. I'm 24. You're making a face like I'm not. I think I am. 23. Okay, yeah, but you are, but I just wanted to see if I could make you break. That scared me so much. I thought I was 25 for a second. I was going to fucking kill myself. Fucker. Dude. All right, so I am 24. Welcome back to the adulting cast. Thank you for that intermission. Welcome back to MI24. Okay.

I was sitting down and there's just like this lady sitting next to me. She's like, your parents coming? And I was like, a friend is coming. Yeah. And I didn't have as many visible tattoos then because the Hawaiian shirt was very big. And she was... She was kind of talking to me. She was like, I've been to every Australian Weird Al concert that he's ever done since the 80s. And for everyone who knows, Australian Weird Al is the parody artist of regular Weird Al.

Ostentations. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he performs such songs as I'm fucking tacky or I'm bloody fat. Fucking Albuquerque, but in Australia. I can't think of any weird owl songs. Oh, dude, you must. They're incredible. Yoda, but Australian. What's the Nirvana one? Oh, what is that? Smells like Teen Spirit parody? I don't know.

Is that the long one? This is boring. Anyway, I was sitting next to her and we got to Dare to Be Stupid. It was great, man. She just leans over to me. That was good content. They've got the hats on. Yeah. She leans over to me and she's like, and I just, like, it was just kind of like a snapshot of like, this is the cutest thing that's ever happened. Yeah. Because obviously I fucking know. Like, I've been alive. But she was like, they're taking off a band called Devo. Clean it back.

Thought she was helping out. And I was like, oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it was so good.

Anyway, boring. What's your next conversation starter? Yeah, cool. Well, it's an idea that's just Let's Play Episodes. Great. That game that has ads that come up constantly on Tumblr slash Instagram that are all seem... to be about fucking they're all about fucking like oh hey bae doesn't find out about me and his best friend yeah or it's like and then the two options are like I like living on the edge or like stop enough is enough yeah or it's like oh we just thought we could unwrap

You could unwrap us and get our candy canes. And the two options are like, ooh, presents early or maybe we should wait. And that was a Christmas-themed one to pull the curtain back. I haven't been on time for much. They started as the most straight thing I've ever seen. And then I reckon they got a ton of feedback.

And they started including hot lesbians in the ads. Really? Yeah, it was just like, my girlfriend is too tall to kiss. And it's like a short woman of colour with the same hair as me trying to kiss her very tall femme girlfriend. Oh man, I hate when my girlfriend's too tall to kiss. Yeah. Oh, no. No. I'm little. How much taller than me are you? You're 6'3 or 4?

I'm 6'3". I may well be 6'2". 6'2". But maybe I'm shrinking. You're more than a foot taller than me. Absolutely. We have to make changes to the way our day is going. to do a kiss on the mouth. Have we talked about the mirror? We have to put you on a little plinth. Have we talked about the mirror in the bathroom? I don't think so. I've had to change. I need to get a drink. You need to get a drink? Yes. Okay, you go. I'll fill.

I'll fill. Could you grab that? No. I think this one's going to get in, man. I've got good feeling about it. We won't need the jingle. I think that I'm going to fill this with information. Okay. Here's an important thing about me filling is that you can't sing because they can't hear you.

They can't we found this out on literally every time we try to fucking fill and you've just gotten up saying Okay, I gotta get a drink and then proceeded to talk away I know they'll love it. They'll fucking love you You're just over there, putting ice on a fucking glass, and it's more interesting. Okay, well, again, they can't hear anything you're saying. All you're doing is yelling. There are some girls on Instagram that hate me right now.

Oh, well, good. Not because you get to fuck me. Not because I get to fuck you? Only because. Oh, only because I get to fuck you. All right, well, again, this seems a strange tack to take after I just yelled about how... bad it is for you to talk. I'm trying to fill. I am a tall man. Demi is a short little goblin. She put all her points into comedy and none into hype. That's what you like. And...

What I would say is that this apartment was designed absolutely with me in mind. We've had to do a bit of moving things around to make it acceptable to you. Can I ask what is up with that? Like, you... You... Yeah, I did not make this apartment. You didn't make it. But it's clearly made for a tall person. That it is like a very tall person's apartment. And not like... Like it's... You know. There are things that I have to completely stretch my arm.

To get. But they are probably things that the person who lived in here was like, well, I'm never going to look up there. Yeah, they were like a secret cupboard. Yeah. They're like, oh, well, that's the skies now. You could be keeping seven wives in shelves that I can't reach. Absolutely. And you are. And even if you stood on a chair, your fingers would only graze their supple clits. That's what that was. Uh-huh.

I know a clit graze when I feel one. That's how queer you are. You're so good at finding them. My flaw was trusting you. Oh, my God. I'm the worst. Yeah. Welcome back to What the Fuck, Men, a podcast where I, a self-flagellating man, have a queer woman on and tell her to tell me I'm bad. I'm Marsha Marin. Oh my God. Who are your gals? Are we doing this? Really? I've got Michelle Obama on and she's like... Lock the flaps!

the word the word flaps so often for puss and i have just re-realized how great it is it's a good word flaps is so good as a describer of just the vulva i was talking today maybe this is like weird natalie field yeah not to brag um no i was at a gig earlier at just a mic and it came up like i remember how i and the thing is

I don't think I can remember how... I don't think there's any background. Shut the fuck up. I'm a clown, not a storyteller. I'll take that to my grave. I was talking to someone about how I was trying to convince you to get... Your pussy lips removed so I could really focus on the hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel you. Just get all of that ancillary bullshit out of there. What I want is just like a skee-ball hole in the middle of your body. And then the clip.

just above it. So it's just like flipping a light switch. Oh god. Get all that bullshit out of that. filler. All those little architectural flourishes like the labia, majora and menorah. Get them out of there. In my mind, I'm keeping those flaps in a locket that I wear around my neck. Or put them on your mouth. Oh, just put them on my mouth.

All right, so we've had to redo a lot of stuff. We had to move a lot of stuff to lower shelves. We've had to... I'm little. I'm 5'1". Tom is 6'. I'm going to say 3'. I reckon you're 6'3". Thank you. I'm a very castable height, for any influencers listening. And...

What we realized is that in the bathroom, you could not actually even see the top of your head in the mirror. So the top of my head, if I was standing directly under like the medicine cabinet that the mirror is the front of, it wouldn't touch it. So I couldn't see any of my... head in the mirror so I decided to command strip a mirror to the wall

At my head height. Yes. And then I believe... Which is perfectly underneath the mirror that exists. Perfectly underneath the mirror. But it's like, you know, I can see my whole face and chest. Yes. And I got a text from you. You... Specifically, the day after we did that, I went in to have a shower, and all you heard from the shower was, Ah! Yeah, and then I got a text from you, and as I received the text, I heard the words,

This has never happened before. And then I looked at the text and it was Tom's face and shoulders down to about elbow. in the top mirror and then just a perfectly framed dick in the mirror underneath. And it sounds unflattering already, but the thing that's ultra unflattering is that the second mirror, the dong mirror, is about a foot back in the wall. So it looks like I've basically got Johnny Bravo body. Yep, yep, yep. But with just the...

Tiniest little peanut of a dongus. It's so bad, man. I still get scared by it. Yeah, it's really bad. I get scared by it. It's like...

Tell it to not. It keeps freaking spitting at you like a cobra. Only in Spanish. Yeah, dude. Do you know any? No, I don't know either. Only in French. I don't know French. you know some words where so how much did you not learn was it two years yeah i was in france for two years going to clown college and i know No French. I know enough nod and smile French. I know I can order stuff, I can get by stuff, and I can get to a point where people will give up and speak English to you. Yeah.

Because they pretty much all know it, except for in the small town that we were in. Kind of an hour outside of Paris. Central. Do you know what is genuinely like a really good tool to have in that situation? I haven't been to France, but I have been to Montreal and I was in the heart of it, which is... Mostly French. Ah, le coeur. Okay. French for heart. So, when...

I got there, the tool that I used was look scared always. Just kind of walked around being small. Yes. And then was like, I don't know how to find it. And someone would be like. be like anglaise see i realized that i was i tried to learn french initially but then kept doing things like i'd walk into a coffee and be like uh i'd try and order a coffee takeaway and they would be like

Pardon? What? And then I realised later I got home and googled what I was saying and I was asking for a coffee outside time. Because I was asking for Ouvretemps. And then it's like, I don't fucking open time. I don't fucking know what it is. Could I have a coffee? Serve it directly into a portal that I can access. Different timeline. Now I have outside parked a police box. I'm from Australia.

So I can't drink the coffee in your time zone. Send it back seven hours. No, what you're going to need is to perk me up in the past. And then I shall enjoy the perks of it now. If you were doing your job properly, I'd already be awake. What I'd love for you to do is to throw those coffee beans directly at the sun. And should you achieve enough forward thrust, they will travel back to me. my time. Pardon? Oh, I see. Fuck you!

That's a really good French accent if you're watching a French movie made by British people. It's really funny when you're watching, like, do you remember, did you see the movie of The Boy in the Striped Pajamas? Do you remember? The boy in the striped pajama. He died in a gas chamber. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Never mind. Fuck it. Yeah, man. I don't even want to. He did, though. Big time. Yeah, man.

Do you have another conversation starter on your phone? Oh, let me check. Let me have a sip. Here is my sipping song. Put in the gas to my lipids and put the liquid into my mouth and I'll put it down my throat and then I'll start a rap about my parents. Mum was an alcoholic and Dad had a lot of problems. We don't talk. Go on. And my parents were good and they continue to be good. They are really good. We stay in touch and I go and visit them. It was...

our dog's birthday two days ago. Beanie's birthday. No, it was yesterday. You fucking idiot. I'm going to tell Beanie you didn't know. Don't tell her. You dumb bitch. She hates knowing things. Go on. Okay, yeah. That's a Come Town reference. It is. For all the...

Demi's... Demi... For all the cumheads out there. Oh, man, it fucking rules. My... But you can't take it. I don't... Yeah, it's a... The people who like... No, I can't take it. I just think... Into your life, I mean. Like, I think it would be bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on. Talk about your fucking... Oh yeah, conversation starter. Oh boy!

Don't cut any of this out, you fucking coward. I'm not going to cut any of these out. If this is my turn to edit, this is all staying in. It's gold. And that fucking you walking away. And the theme song is going to be the theme from Becca. Oh, I loved Becca. Becca, Becca. I'm Becca. I'm a grumpy doctor. There is Linda. And the Black Receptionist.

Wow. It was so incredible how well you made that fit. Wow, dude. Like I was looking in your eyes and like syllabically, it was perfect. All right, next conversation starter is... We smile at each other quietly. So, that will begin in 3, 2, 1, and... Okay, I've realised that... I don't know. This is a big swing on my part if I'm wrong about this. But I think we're too in love to do this in any way that's interesting.

Because we will just keep doing it. Because I was really enjoying looking at you and smiling. I don't know. I just thought it'd be interesting to listen to. This is how fucked my brain is. Other people being in love. Oh, Christ. It's so boring, too. It is boring, hey? Yeah. But I think we're fucking cunts enough. You know?

No! That wasn't interesting to listen to. What, that period of silence? Look at that. What? It's a dust moat. Yeah, can you get it? Can you grab it? That one. Can you see it? Oh, that's gone. Okay. Well, you failed me. Back to Melbourne. Oh, my God. What? As soon as the responsibility of editing falls to me... Which is this episode. Uh-huh. You... Yes? You pile it on.

You just got distracted by a dust moat. You just made us smile at each other in silence. And it was nice. I love you, Tom. I love you. You were saying that there were the cadence of someone who sang it through a door? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, you're going to sing in the toilet. Bye-bye.

Bye. Or to a dog while you're closing the doors on your lips to try and keep in the room as long as you can to a dog. All right. Bye. I love you. I noticed you didn't say it back. I've said it three times. It's fine. I love you. Whatever, cut. All right. Well, that all about... I don't know. How long have we been doing? Are we stopping? No, let's not stop on that note, for sure. Something about that note. Goodbye!

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