episode 2 - Sphere Chat

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Oh, my God. I didn't sit down yet in my proper podcast chain. That's all right. We can edit this out. And don't put it, keep it in for authenticity. We will not. Yeah, it's fucked. It's staying in. No, don't. Yes. We're sitting so far apart. I hate this. Do you want to sit closer? Yeah, I'm going to sit on the floor. All right, here we go. This must be edited out. Is this better? Fuck. Is this better? Oh, man.

Do you want to sit on the floor? Yeah. Do you want to sit facing each other on the floor like we're doing a seance? Oh, God. Please edit all of this out. No. Come on. I'll edit it out. It sucks. Sit down. Okay. I'm down. All right, go. For the listeners, we are sitting cross-legged. That's how you do it. edit point. Oh. Yeah. Because it'll spike on the thing. Oh, right, right. Oh, that's smart. Okay. Yeah, I'm pretty. I'm smart. Okay. Yeah, I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I'm smart.

I'm lots of fun. Yes. And I believe that dogs are naturally superior to humans. Okay, so here's a list of things about me. I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm made out of sequins. Dad. I'm pretty. I'm smart. I live in the sea. I have a summer home on land whenever I grow legs. Yeah. I have seven more teeth than most people and not where you'd think.

I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm double jointed, but they're on my twin and I don't talk to her anymore. Enough questions. Tell me something about you, but make it about me.

what do you want what the fuck i like going into podcasts i like going And a podcast is just immediately competitive. Yeah, and not only that, but competitive in a way that is like, what... It's not related to the podcast. Yeah, you just say, what? What? Now what? I didn't know this was my job. Oh, cool. It is your job, your co-host. And by that, I mean help. I am the main host. Oh, sure. And I'm pretty and smart. You're smart. You don't know how to fart. I absolutely don't. No.

Yeah, this is an episode of a podcast, obviously. And what a thing they are. Truly the book of the modern age. podcast is a wacky take on the things that our dads do. That seems to be podcasts. Yeah, no, that's absolutely a podcast. Hey, welcome to Dad Chat, where we talk about our dads, your dads, and dads that have been in the news. What did your dad do this week? He kept being underground. He's in a big wooden box and also sometimes I think I hear him.

Oh, really? I really love that about your dad. And might I say, what a hunk. My dad didn't come down out of his tree house this week. Mom keeps screaming. And I don't know what to do about it. Get out of the tree. She said. Dad, come down. That raccoon isn't your family. Okay, so they're either a North American family or there's an escaped raccoon in Australia. Yes. Okay, fine. Okay. Oh, do you want to do this now? Oh, my God. The premises of podcasts are bad. And ours...

Welcome to our podcast called Premises of Podcasts. What premises have you come up with this week? We're going to go through the premises of other podcasts and review them. That's what I'm bringing to the table. And that's also the podcast that we're doing, so you have to say it's good.

I'm going to go through every passively aggressive hostile email that my co-workers have sent to me. Oh, that's good. I'm going to go through the letters of the alphabet and see which ones are racist. I'm going to... make a slight wind brush against the opening of my nostrils and see whether that's good content. I'm going to look at a painting and say words that come to my mind for an hour. Green!

Red now. Red. Green again. Boring. Paintings are boring. I wish this was a podcast. Podcasts are awful, I'm finding out. They suck. We should stop. No, let's keep going. No, they're good and funny. Oh, boy. Yeah, no, the thing I want to say is like podcast premises mostly stink. Yeah. Like everyone knows there's one. Welcome to our podcast, Things That Stink. Okay, here's a list. The bin. Yucky. Second, my pussy. Thank you.

some whiskeys. Your dad doesn't know how to pour whiskeys. He doesn't. It's too much. He was pouring it like a beer. He was pouring it like it was wine. I saw the whiskey. We went and had dinner at my parents' place tonight. I didn't want to be rude, so I almost tried to finish it before we left, but then I was like, it was so much whiskey. It was so much.

He pours whiskey as a man who does not drink spirits, but desperately wants everyone to have a nice time. I did have a nice time. Welcome back to the Things That Stink podcast. Unfortunately, due to a manufacturing error, we only... have scratch cards as the sniff has been left off okay but scratch away as i talk about

Okay. Ooh, the junction of the body. Scrick, scrick, scrick, scrick, scrick. That's me scratching the scratch card. Scrick, scrick, scrick, scrick. It smells like my fingernail blood. I might have scratched this for too long. You did. because you're an optimist and that's what I love about you. I just wanted something to happen. I believed in it and I believe in you. Do you reckon we could start a politics podcast?

And on the subject of dreams you've had, please stop telling me about yours. I just really... Do you remember? It was a horse that got spooked by a bunch of little goats jumping around. On the subject of, like, artificially induced confidence, you last... week introduced to me you came up and you said oh I had a dream you'll love this and then went on to describe this the most boring

Dream. That was a joke, though, and you... I didn't of it. You didn't of it. I didn't. I didn't of it. Oh, sorry for trying to give you some time back into your life by cutting an L off of love. Welcome to... I didn't of it. This is a podcast to talk about things that we didn't cook this week. Welcome to Single and Oven It, the podcast where I put things in my oven and then don't go on dates.

11 minutes and 28 seconds. Welcome to the podcast. It's the podcast where we talk about numerous cats, sometimes at once and over each other. I thought we were going to talk over each other. Fuck. Yes. And? I love improv, dude. Edit point. Fuck. Yeah, right. I don't know. Sometimes I think I know less about politics than anyone I've ever met. And it's not an over-exaggeration. Yeah. Can you...

very quickly. Name a politician. Okay. Julia Gillard. Okay. Well, I know who that is. Okay. Tanya Plibersek. What? Is that real? Penny Wong. Oh, I know. Well, of course I know Penny Wong. Don't make it easy. I'm not making it easy. What? Okay, but you don't know many politicians.

I'm not. Welcome to my podcast. You think I don't know Penny Wong. I didn't think you didn't know Penny Wong. You thought you didn't know Penny Wong. I thought that you would name people that most people know and that I wouldn't. Well, Christ. No, I just don't know many... I'm just... I'm really dumb. What about... I'm really dumb. I know. You've put all your points into one thing and it's working out fine. Tell me what the thing you think you're talking about is.

Being a little bitch. That's me. It's stand-up comedy in all its forms and twists. You know, you were a one-liner comedian and now you're a multi-liner comedian and those are the two types of comedian. Just the amount of lines that you do is the only type of comedian you can be. Oh, freaking. And I know something about that. Okay, tell me. What is it? Oh, it's about freaking cocaine. Okay, go on. Go on. How is it? How is it good?

Tell me what those qualities of cocaine are when you do it. It feels like I have... Yep. When you have sex, it feels either good or bad. Bad. It's such a freaking high when you snort a line of that. When you shneef a line of that sweet white snow and put it on the freaking train right up to the snot where it mixes. I love getting cocaine. I love drinking. There's nothing more I like more than kicking back and drinking a nice tool glass. A big tool glass. A big tool glass of cocaine.

Demi. What? Yes? How was your day? I love days. I love nights. I love any part of my week that encompasses either. Are you in a fucking public speaking competition? You're speaking with the barely learned confidence of a... A contestant for Miss Universe that comes from a country that I would not be able to find on a map. I had a pretty good day. No, I didn't. I was sad. Yeah.

Is that what you want to talk about? Yeah, I want you to fucking admit it. I'm fine with talking about it. I've done a lot of that on podcasts in the past. You have. No, I didn't want to admit it. No, I was sad today. Yeah. I was a sad little... Baby boy. Yeah, right. I'm okay now.

I'm a little bit stressed. We both have a trial show tomorrow. Yeah. This will be in the past if it ever gets released. If it ever gets released. Yeah. I just wanted to repeat that very pertinent bit of information. For some reason I was just, yeah, we have trial shows tomorrow. That's a weird thing because we both do comedy. Dumb shit. Yeah, comedy. No, no. I was going to loop around to saying dumb shit. Dumb shit. We both do dumb shit comedy where it's not like... The thing...

The saving grace that I think that we have is that... Okay, chucking me in here as well. Okay, interesting. Okay, I'll just do it for myself. No, no, no. But even if you do, I'll know that it is about me. The saving grace that I think that we have is that the female portion... of us is very talented. Fuck you. Yeah. Um... I was chinky water. My name is Tom Walker, and I was chinky water. I was chinky water, yeah, I was chinky fluid. I was chinky water, and I wish that you could do it, too.

Edit point, edit point, edit point, edit point, edit point. And just looping back, where do you get your ideas? Please keep talking about it. I'm just wondering how you get those freaking ideas. Okay. I mean, do you freaking smoke a pot? hot or something i mean sometimes i see a show and i'm like frick she must have been did you ever play chess no i'm an idiot I don't know whether you remember our conversation from before, but I'm a dumbass. Yeah, I...

I think I'm a dumbass in many of the same ways you are. But you can play chess. Yeah, I get it. You're better than me. No, I can't play chess. When I played chess, I was frustrated because I was like, well, obviously what you want to do is move the knights out together and send all the peasants forward. Like, I was playing a... Yeah, you want them horsies to be able to kiss for the big horsey tongues. Absolutely. What I want is for these horsies to go into the castle so they can...

Booch. Booch. Yeah, dude. You haven't tried it? Oh, I haven't. Should I? Yeah, absolutely. Welcome to Booch, where we booch. Oh, my God. It's another podcast. You know I got it. Fuck, so many edit points. There's been like three. There's been multiple.

Yes, three. Okay, no, you're right. I didn't ever play chess because to me it was so unsatisfying. And I didn't like the idea of protecting a king. Because that guy needs to be down there with his fucking queen slaying alongside Jay-Z before it became not the person who's good. Yeah, that's right. I said it. Because to me, someone who cheats on Beyonce is a freaking monster. It must have felt so bad.

To have everyone like lemonade. Oh, man. When it's about you. And then for the rest of your life, you're just married to the woman. Isn't that fizzy drink? And I laugh. Yum, yum, yum. Hey, Jay-Z here, wondering if I could take a look at that track listing. No? Or what about the lyrics? No? Okay, well, it's released through my record comedy, but okay. I've got nothing but faith.

Waking up, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Jay-Z's hands are flying in the air like Kermit's Aziz's voice. That would fucking suck. It would suck. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, it would suck to be called out on cheating on your wife. By your wife, though. By your incredibly successful, beautiful wife who everyone loves. You know what else might suck? Tom. What? Being cheated on. Oh, yeah, absolutely. For sure. I think if anyone... Deserves to be cheated on, what?

absolutely 100 queen b yes she like and not enough gets made of this but she during their relationship in its early stages i know they got together when she was quite young um No. No, Tammy. They did not start dating when Beyonce was 10. And he was... 40! Jay-Z getting his calculator out to try and do the half your age plus seven thing. And then he's like, ah. He's like, well, I was never good at maths.

Is 10 more than 27? I'm going to guess yes. Fuck. Without looking at a map, which is where I get my ages from. Pardon. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. S-Y-U-T up. Shut up, guys. I'm being serious. Shut up. This is serious. Now, listen. I have some opinions. Everyone just needs to... しよう The worst librarian. Excuse me. Excuse me, but you're not just you. You're not a library. You're not a library. You're not a library. You're not a library. You're not a library. You're not a library. You're not a library. You're not a library. My name's Ja. This is my decimal system. Here's how it works. My name's Ja. My name's Ja.

Yeah, welcome to Wabra. I'm speaking as quiet as I can and everyone else. As long as everyone else is quiet, it's fine. Here's my favorite book. Hear that? It's holiday cheer arriving at Ulta Beauty with gifts for everyone on your list. Treat them to fan favorite gift sets from Charlotte Tilbury and Peach and Lily. Go all out with timeless fragrances from YSL.

And you can never go wrong with an Ulta Beauty gift card. Head to Ulta Beauty for gifts that make the holidays brighter and even more beautiful. Ulta Beauty. Gifting happens here. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here, wishing you a very happy half-off holiday, because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not...

half the service. Mint is still premium, unlimited wireless for a great price. So, that means a half day. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Hannah Berner, are those the cozy Tommy John pajamas you're buying? Paige DeSorbo, they are Tommy John. And yes, I'm stocking up because they make the best holiday gifts. So generous.

Well, I'm a generous girly, especially when it comes to me. So I'm grabbing the softest sleepwear, comfiest underwear, and best fitting loungewear. So nothing for your bestie. Of course I'm getting my dad, Tom John. Oh, and you, of course. It's giving holiday gifting made easy. Exactly. Cozy, comfy, everyone's happy. Don't wait. Shop Tommy John's biggest savings ever and get 50% off sitewide at tommyjohn.com slash comfort.

Kramen Pjashmia. What? His favorite what? Bjorken. I love the reality of Bjorken. My favorite Bach is Kramen Pjashmia. My character's different because... And I listen to my favorite Islamic singer... Oh, I simply love the haunting melon of BAAACK! seem to have manifested a second myth, but trying to pronounce, of course, the thing that neither knew or... The beautiful swan wearing. SWAN! SWAN! You guys want some bjerks? What can I put you guys down for three five bjerks?

Or not biographer? Wait, do you want or not biographer or murmur? Where are you going? All right. All right. Charlie Charles. Yes? Just him saying Schindler. Oh, is that what that was? No, the idea. Oh. Like, it's just sitting on my mind. Schindler. Schindler. Fuck. Unlistenable. Fuck. I'm sweating. Surfer librarian? Oh, Charles! He was born with a deficiency that put his tongue like three inches back in his throat. You can just see the tip of it flapping.

Every second is pure. Bjorn, I got thrown with a help of Bjorks. I freaking love Bjorks.

Best and only podcast. Imagine having a podcast about, like, movies. And welcome to Gaming While British. This is a comprehensive review of every video game with the language option English. Is Dark Souls the best video game? No. It has many flaws. Tell me one. An incredibly opaque system that lends itself very well to guides and frustration from players.

And its adoption by fans and purists. Fans and purists. Fans and purists. Has led to a weird community that... cherishes skill whereas the game itself is more about pattern recognition boring What's the best game? I'm so sorry, babe. I was finding that. I told you, babe, we agree we wouldn't do that on the podcast. I actually found that really interesting, but I thought it would be funny to just sort of tear you down. I think my favorite game is...

Throwing a girl out the window. Cool. From like the third floor of a building? Yeah, but if you keep going, you'll dox where I live. Can't believe you called my shot that early. You piece of shit. Fuck. Yeah, I don't know what the best video game is. And I know that's crazy. It's Breath of the Wild. Man, Breath of the Wild is good, but also I feel no compulsion to ever be around it again. And that's me saying that about a game where I could if I applied myself. Yeah.

unlock a motorbike. Oh, shit, yeah, I forgot about that. But there are so many possibilities in that game. I've seen videos where people, like, did you? No, I think you showed me that video, actually. Almost certainly. It's like somebody throwing a bomb and then Stas is locking it, jumping onto it, and then exploding themselves onto a platform. Yeah, yeah. That's so cool. You know what's cool to me? Tell me. Just learning. Yeah.

Oh, man. I meant that to be a facetious thing. But to me, the most dangerous video games are the ones that have a feel of learning about them. Zumbinis. Okay. Need more. Something on that I don't like. You had the wherewithal to hold the microphone away from your face, but not the wherewithal to stop doing the 90s video game reference to an educational video game about the ever well-known Zoombini.

Make me a pizza! Do you want to talk about your main problem with the video game? Oh yeah, you want to hear my main problem with the video game, Zoom Beanie? Yeah. The guy who does the... interludes I don't know why there is a man that needs to do interludes in this thing because there are no instructions that he tells you but every now and then there's a disembodied voice that congratulates you on finishing a level usually it's

something like, oh, well done. Just something like that. And then sometimes they've run out of things to say and he says, hip, hip, zoom beanies. Which isn't... It's not a... It's not even an agreed-upon thing to do to the phrase hip-hip. I'm assuming here. Hooray. Oh, is that what you think? I think it's a homage to the classic phrase, hip hip hooray. Very cis white male of you to say, but yeah. Do go on. I love that podcast. I am...

what i'm flat from i'm flat on my back from oh surfer librarian absolutely yeah who is me too there was a lot of energy in that yeah yeah yeah what about librarian surfer I've got to tell you, really tickled by anyone who's in a tube. I've been, and I think you've noticed this in me, I've got a really reacquired passion for the...

Basic shape. Oh, yeah. I am. Anytime there's talk of a cube. A cube. Oh, man. I think that's so funny. The cube is the funniest. A cube is so... I mean, you know that I love a cube also. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A sphere is hilarious to me. Except for that... Imagine someone listening to this podcast because they want to start comedy. Sphere. But I'm imagining them being like, I was walking down the street the other day. Sphere!

No, they'll just be like, oh, this guy. Cube. Cube, cube. What do you do for a job, Sphere? But the only thing about a sphere... What do you do for a cube, buddy? What do you do to own your cubes, champ? Hey, champ. Hey, you look like a guy who's got a few cubes to chuck around. Oh, he hasn't quite caught up. He'll sphere later. You know how... I don't come to you where you work and knock the cubes out of your mouth. Cubes out of your sphere. Spheres are...

Really funny to me, but they're also uncomfortable because I'm like, how am I going to keep it in the right place? Do you know what I mean? It's just going to be rolling around. Right, you're talking about the practical considerations of sphere ownership. I'm talking about the practical and the metaphysical aspects of a sphere.

If I imagine a sphere, I have to un-imagine it before I stop thinking about it. Because otherwise, it's going to be rolling around this apartment. You just said I have to un-imagine it before I stop thinking about it. This is... upsetting thing that I've had since I was little. Are you saying that you have to erase things you imagine? Yes. You can't just... What? Go on...

With the rest of your life, you have to go back and un-imagine. This is... Yes. Listen. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, so... I used to have a joke. And I don't remember the context of the joke, but I remember it ending with me saying something about holding a baby and holding my hand up like this.

If you're listening, imagine me holding a glass up in a cheers motion, but it's a baby. And then I was like to the audience, the thing that upsets me about this is that... i don't know whether you guys are imagining a leg or a neck you know but and then at the end of every time i did that joke I had to hand the baby to someone in the audience. Yeah. Because otherwise I'm just dropping it. Yeah, yeah. You can't. So...

I get very uncomfortable with creating imaginations for myself and not making them not exist after that. Yes. First off, I pictured you holding the baby by the back of the head. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. And second off, I feel like that's a pretty... Yeah. You think that's a pretty yeah? Yeah. You seem... I am reaching for comforting words and finding nothing but silence. You don't need to comfort me on this. I have lived this life since I was born. You don't...

Need to tell me that I'm normal because I've had a weird life and you are here now. I'm here. Yeah, songs are fun. Yeah, it's the worst. Yeah, because that means you have to do cleanup on the one thing that's supposed to be unlimited. Well, when you put it like that...

It's very upsetting. Yeah, dude. Thinking of you enjoying imagining like a deer or something and then just knowing that soon you'll have to take out an imaginary gun. No, no, no. Sometimes if it's a deer, I'm like... Well, you might find your way somewhere where you can live. So I can let the deer go. Okay. But if I put a sphere in my imagination and just let it roll around this house.

Then what am I going to do? See the sphere later? I know. I know what you're going to do, which is I'll watch you walking around and I'll see you step over something that's not there. There's nothing trickier than that first... grief wank like how long like and I'm talking like a serious death yep go on how long do you go yes

Without cranking that hog. Like, how long does that build up? All right. First, clarify what you mean. I already have my answer, I'm pretty sure. Okay. Bye. Because I think that, you know, when... Someone close to you dies. There's a mourning period. Yeah, it's a bloody length of a mourning, am I right? Hey guys, welcome to Dead Air. When do you... When do you... Like after...

After a significant death in your life that isn't related to sexuality at all? You're not talking about jacking off to someone who is dead, right? No, I'm not talking about that, but related to that. Sorry, if I may interrupt. Please. Thank you. There is recently a pornography star called August Ames, I believe, passed away. Yes. And... Recently, browsing for pornography, I found, like, on the front page of Pornhub, RIP August Ames Best Scenes Compilation.

We're getting to that point, aren't we? And I... Trump's America. And I had to stop what I was doing and just go do something else. Yep. Yep. It was... Too much. Yeah. It was no good. And then I came back once, I girded my spirit and I J-O'd to that. No, I didn't. It was so weird. So what you're saying is like when somebody close to you dies in your life, how long do you wait before you? Yes. Actually do that. Yes. I feel... You're... Leary, you're giving an answer because you know that...

If you do, if someone close to you dies, people will know pretty much the day that you'll jack off next. Yeah, and it'll be that day. And it doesn't matter what time of the day. It doesn't affect it. What? What are you talking about? I'm not thinking about them. It's not permeating my every thought of my being. It does. If you died. I would be so distraught. Okay. And I wouldn't because you're a huge part of my life. Uh-huh. My Nana died and I was like, dang. It's coming.

Okay. Like... Yeah. Who are we talking... What are we talking about? I don't know. I just... Like, I had a friend who died and it knocked... I mean, I would say a couple to three days off schedule. Yeah. So this is the thing you, that, that changes it a little bit. Cause I think if, if I had a, like a close friend who died. Yeah. It was a soggy sale accident. I won and he ate my toxic cum. And then as he was getting poisoned, he choked on the biscuit. I love your toxic cum. Because I only...

come like a little string. I know. Other guys chuck ropes. I'm a string guy. Oh, yeah. And I love it. And it's normal. The biscuit wasn't soggy enough and it cut up his throat. And that let the toxic come into his bloodstream real far. Oh man, I should have stopped talking so long ago. Oh, do you think people that are listening know who it is? They definitely do. Uh, what? Huh? Uh... That... That might be the difference because I haven't really had friends. You gotta.

The end. Oh, dude, you've got to try it out. I haven't really had friends that have died. And family members, the ones that have died, for me, I've been like... There's been one that I was really caught up about, but even then I was like, I didn't choose this person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, I'm not as close as I could have been, you know? If you died, it would be the fucking worst thing ever. Aw. But right now I don't have a scope on how long after somebody dying I could do a big sloppy cum.

Oh, jeez. Out of my huge dry pussy. Oh, God. That I just cannot emphasize anymore how big and dry it is. Absolutely. Yeah, I had fun. Thank you.

Wait, no, don't leave me saying I had fun in there. What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I won't. Bye. Hear that? It's holiday cheer arriving at Ulta Beauty with gifts for everyone on your list. Treat them to fan favorite gift sets from Charlotte Tilbury and Peach and Lily. Go all out with timeless fragrances from YSL, Ariana Grande, and Carolina Herrera. And you can never go wrong with an Ulta Beauty gift card.

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Well, I'm a generous girly, especially when it comes to me. So I'm grabbing the softest sleepwear, comfiest underwear, and best-fitting loungewear. So nothing for your bestie. Of course I'm getting my dad, Tommy John. Oh, and you, of course. It's giving holiday gifting made easy. Exactly. Cozy, comfy, everyone's happy. Don't wait. Shop Tommy John's biggest savings ever and get 50% off sitewide at TommyJohn.com slash comfort.

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