episode 1

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here, wishing you a very happy half-off holiday, because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not... half the service. Mint is still premium, unlimited wireless for a great price. So, that means a half day. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Hannah Berner, are those the cozy Tommy John pajamas you're buying?

Paige DeSorbo, they are Tommy John. And yes, I'm stocking up because they make the best holiday gifts. So generous. Well, I'm a generous girly, especially when it comes to me. So I'm grabbing the softest sleepwear, comfiest underwear, and best fitting loungewear. So nothing for your bestie. Of course I'm getting my dad, Tommy John. Oh, and you, of course.

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Okay, I'm closing the Dark Souls 3 wiki that I have open. Fuck yeah, that's the best way to start this maiden voyage of our podcast. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. I'm not getting any strategy tips anymore. Dark Knight Gale. Just drag a tea. Oh, I can't wait to break up over this. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, man, this is going to be so sad when we look back on it. Yeah, man.

This is going to be, as soon as we start putting this out there, we're going to have a resource to go back and look at our long versions of us hanging out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we'll be going back to the live shows where we... freaking killed it. I'm sorry. You're so optimistic. We'll be like oh god remember when Will was on it and Anderson of course. Oh yes Anderson. Oh the WA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember when WA was on it? Frick hell, dude. Oh, it really was good before all of the... What? Events. I know. I'm so scared of calling my shot when it comes to us breaking up. All right. Why are we going to break up? What do you think?

Cool. You're going to move to England to pursue a comedy career. All right. And I'm going to bury myself in the ground to hunt for gold. Oh, man, I want to hunt for gold. No, dude, I'm getting in there. I'm right down there at the surface. If you dig the whole way through, you'll find me. Okay. Well, that's not where England is, champ. You don't know. England is hell to me. It fucking is. It sucks. All right.

And I know this is like, this is one of those things. It's like, man, if there was a zombie apocalypse, which place would you go to? Prison or Bunnings? Wait, quickly, quickly. On the subject of where you'd go on a zombie apocalypse. I want to tell you about my friend who had so much invested in a zombie apocalypse coming and had read so many conspiracy theories about it that at one point he sat down and was like... Man, if the zombies don't come soon, I've fucked up my life.

many emergency supplies and pieces of camping equipment and he spent so much time planning what would happen like he'd bought a katana become quite invested in the learning of it trained in ninjutsu and then like... planned out how it would go, how he'd rescue his friends. But then as he'd been doing that, he'd been neglecting his non-apocalyptic life. Oh man, that is such like a, that is like the epitome of calling your shot, right? Like you, if you...

If it does happen, which it won't, you are the most useful person on earth. But not even them. There's armies. But it's not going to happen and you're just insane. You're also telling me this knowing that I have a go back. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm wanting you to just put a little less energy into that. Okay. And a little more energy into, I don't know, watching me play the PlayStation 4.

that we all know I love. Do you know I love watching you play the PlayStation 4? What were you going to bring up? It's sort of... Oh, I think it was going to be like, who do you think would be better at fucking Satan or... There was that one angel. Gabriel? What the fuck, dude? Also, no, Lucifer, I assume. If you're talking about Lucifer, the angel who went to hell, and it's a competition of hell people who are fucking. No, that's not what I meant.

Okay. Satan was the name of my American stuffy. Okay, great. So who would fuck better? Better out of my American stuffy. And Gabriel. A dog you've known and loved. Yes. And that I know can fuck real good. Based on anecdote, not experience. So someone just came up to you and was like, listen, I've heard it through the grapevine that your dog Satan lays mean pipe. He's putting down that fiber to the nose. He's doing the fucking like those dogs do.

Did you have to go to mass at your school? Was your school religious? Yeah, we went to chapel. I don't know anything about Jesus. We were like a Protestant school. Protestant. It's like the one that is kind of less corrupt. But then also you give up all the cool ceremonies. Which cool ceremonies? Which cool ceremonies do you have to give up? Well, I don't need that. You give up.

You give up all the cool old stuff where it's like, oh, God's real. And by virtue of that, so's magic. This wine is a boy. And this bread is the boy's skin. You're a filthy little bitch. Eat the boy. That saved you. Every wine is a boy if you're loose about the guidelines of what wine is. Did I tell you about the time that I licked a priest's finger when I was taking the wafer out of his hand?

What the fuck? It was great. I hadn't been to church in like seven years and I went and the priest went to... You hadn't been to church in seven... Yeah. How old are you? I... Now? No! I was like 17. Okay. And I went to church. Uh-huh. And he went to put the biscuit on my tongue and licked his fingers. I didn't know how... I didn't have death perception on my large tongue. Okay. I really sucked on them fingies. Yeah, because I know that 17-year-old Demi Lardner looked like...

Approximately 11-year-old boy? Yeah. 11-year-old boy that, like, all the candy canes have gone straight to his hips. Yeah, right. So you are temptation given flesh. To this priest. I said I sucked. You've rocked into his fucking church and you're sucking on his fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. What?

No one else was there. Good for him for not fucking you more than once. Welcome to BigSoftTips.PNG. Do you remember that's what we decided to call this? Yeah, I remember that conversation we had seven and a half minutes ago. It's only been seven and a half minutes? No, it's been six minutes and 46 seconds. Stop it. Okay, well, we can't do any more of that because that makes time pass like it's fucking running through treacle.

It's late. Fuck you. What? Okay. I'm drinking. I know. You're not. Why are you being such a little bitch? Because it's my prerogative. Because I'm lounging like a decadent senator. Yeah. Oh, cool balls, man. Thanks, dude. What cool balls you got? Hey, thanks. One of them... What's their mileage? How many kilometers have I got on these balls? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I guess they go with me wherever I go. Yeah. So those bulls have been to Edinburgh?

It's my mileage plus a few metres for the amount of times they've travelled up and down between my torso and the ball sack. Wait, a few metres? Over time. What are you saying to me? My balls sometimes pop up into my body. Excuse me? Yeah. Does that happen to everybody? Are you going to show me? I am. Check this out. What? How does this work? Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah.

Have you Googled that? No, don't do that. I hate it. It's fucked, right? Why? Have you Googled it? Yeah, as far as I can tell it. pretty benign it's just something that happens i found out in like this year was the first time i found out that it doesn't happen to everyone but i've never brought it up you're the first person

I've ever talked to about it. And the first time I've done that is on a Big Soft Diddy Dot PNG. Big Soft Diddy Dot PNG. Yeah. Cool, man. It's weird, right? Right. So you're pretty much done. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Once I can't say with complete certainty that my balls are going to stay in one place directly beneath my dick, it's about time to chop this whole thing off and take it in for resurfacing.

You should get it refurbished. You know they do that for free at the Apple Store. I'm going to stick my dick in you and break it off and it can just live in there. Fuck yeah. I'll give it such a good home. I want to say there's a good other podcast that I was laughing before because I just thought about having my dick as one of those little dinosaur sponges. it goes in you little and hard and then like i just leave it in there and then after a while i come out it's just giant and soft

Both good attributes. I mean... Just completely misaligned. I mean, good luck, mate, because I've got the biggest, driest... pussy in Sydney. Mmm, it's like a fucking gulch in there. Mmm, a gulch implies moistness and that is not what I've got going on. You're right, sorry, it's more like a ravine. Mmm, a ravine.

Ravine Pussy Larder is what they called me in the college that I didn't go to. That's cool that you didn't go to uni. I went to uni. And then I stopped going. Yeah, I know. I was bad at it. Yeah, I kind of wish I'd stopped going. Yeah, man, it's so good. I listened to one Kanye album and I was like, that's good enough for me.

And also I saw one of my tutors stacking shelves at a BWS. And he was like, hey. And that and my twisted, beautiful, dark fantasy were the only two things. College dropout. Wow. Which was on. It doesn't matter. Oh, fuck yeah. Do you think that came through on mic? I think so. They turned out pretty loud. Alright. Email us.

At TomWalkerIsGood at gmail.com. Don't forget about my email. I get a little bit of happiness every time I get an email and that would be... completely dampened if I start getting emails on whether people can hear my farts on a podcast recording or not. Because I can't have all my chickens come home to roost. I've lived a life free of consequence and I mean to continue doing so till the foreseeable future. All right, I'm sorry. I might bleep it.

I might put it in four times after I've said this. Yeah, okay. Fine. Fucking give a girl garage band. You're going to be using my computer to do it fine. Yeah, Tom let me out of my small little cage. And now she's doing just fine. God, I gotta be damned because I want it all. I was once... in a cage and now I'm not in a cage it was only a cage it was only a cage Now I'm falling asleep and I'm having a dream that I'm inside a cage. Yes, I'm back in the cage.

Now I'm falling asleep and I'm back in the cage. Did I mention that I was back in the cage? I must have forgotten that. Yeah, I'm back in the cage. This is a song about being stuck in a cage. Being Mr. Brightside. I'm Mr. Brightside in a cage. I just can't look. I'm in a cage. And I'm in a cage This is unlistenable Jealousy You want to be in the cage Fuck, he's so happy to be in that fucking cage. God, he loves that cage.

I know why the caged Mr. Brightside sings. Fuck, that was so many misfires. I didn't know what the fuck you were meant to say then. I couldn't decipher. The worst thing is it was a poem. Poetry reference that I stumbled over and stacked it all the way down the stairs on. I think the only poetry I've read is... Like... Weird old Australian poetry. Oh, that one. Oh, no. What's that fucking poem?

That is, sorry, no, short story. It's the saddest story in, what is it, baby shoes? Hemingway, yeah. Baby shoes. Baby shoes for sale, never worn. Never worn. Yeah. That sucks. Yeah, like, baby died. It's not the saddest thing that ever happened. Do you want to hear my competition for six-word saddest short story? What? Dead baby, dead baby, dead baby.

Do you want to hear my six word happiest story? Yeah, sure. I am still in the cage. God damn. Yeah, bitch. I just counted up on my fingers. On your five fingers, too. Oh, fuck. I did go to uni. Which means you did go to uni. You can count past your one hand of fingers. It is sad that they buried that fucking baby without any shoes.

That bitch is going to be rocking up to Thoth in the afterlife like, oh, sorry, I'm just in my suit. I'm in my widow suit without any shoes. Oh, no. Because I was only buried without these freaking shoes because they wanted to make a profit off them. So baby shoes are basically just socks. Like you can't put hard shoes on a baby because their bones are made out of snowflakes and they'll just...

Be crushed by actual shoe. And because we don't breed the cobblers small enough. We'd have to shrink a cobbler down to microscopic size and have him build a gigantic shoe. Why did you shrink him down so small? He can't even make love to his wife now. What a shrink race scientist. Also he can. No. No. He can make love to her. He can get in there, chuck it around. Yeah, but she's not going to feel any good. It's going to be like being in my pussy.

biggest one. Well, how's this for a try it on for size? Yes. His wife is a man and that's woke. That... His wife's actually a man. That's maybe the unwokest thing. Like, which one of you is the wife is, like, the worst. That's so funny. I have an idea of, like... Oh, fuck. This is dumb. Nah, it's the best. We were laughing. So, I think the funniest thing to me is songs that are about...

one thing for the entire song. All right, what? And I was just like, I want to be an American idiot. Yes, an idiot. That's from America. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Changing songs to be completely redundant. A little bit of mumbo number five. Some more of the mumbo number four. Yes, this is more Mambo No. 5 and a continuation of Mambo No. 5. I like to sing Mambo No. 5.

And now it's time for Mambo No. 6. Just kidding. Mambo No. 5. Mambo No. 5. No, I reckon... And I'm not exactly sure why. I can't – I don't own the memories of why I know all of – don't make a fucking face. I don't own the memories of why I know all of the words. to this but i know every word to the bob the builder version of mumbo number five do you ever hear that is it do you remember bob the builder i have It's like it's someone else's memory coursing through me. Right. Now, this building bob.

Had some sort of number song. There's architecture, Robert. Now there's Tool Man. Yeah. Bob the Bullman Baylor. Bob the Bullman Baylor, yeah. Did you ever hear that? That... That version of Mumba Mumba 5. Fuck me. No, I don't think I did. A little bit of timber and a saw. A little bit of fixing, that's for sure. Like, I know all of the words. And I don't remember ever hearing the song apart from me singing it. It does.

Does Mambo No. 5 have better female representation than the Bob the Builder version of Mambo No. 5? No, because... It just feels like it represents... No. Does Mambo No. 5 pass the Bechtel test? No, because Bob the Builder in Mumbo No. 5 has Dizzy the cement truck singing a verse in it. Or at least a few lines. Oh. Yeah. A verse is too much for Dizzy. Jump up and down. And move it all around. I dig a hole in the ground. Oh, my God. That sounds worse than our Mr. Brightside. It's bad.

It's a bad thing. A little bit of tiling on the roof. I never, because you never got into Pokemon, but to me. No, I've never. Yeah. Well, it's short for pocket monsters. Let me tell you, these things, they're out of control. And what is a pocket? It's a...

It's a certain kind of prison that's forbidden on dresses. Yes, all right. And a monster? Yes. A monster? Some kind of animated animal that competes with Michael B. Jordan in a basketball you're so close but also wrong and also and I'm aware that this was a riff but I must inquire as to whether Michael Jordan's middle name is B. Because if so...

Immense misstep by Michael B. Jordan, the actor, to be like, no, no, I'm this one, but not to his research. Fuck. I don't know. Where's my phone? Hey, Siri. Oh, she doesn't care. She doesn't care. She doesn't respect you. She doesn't respect me. Hey, Siri, where is she? This is shit. You choking on your Stone Cold Steve Austin water? Shut up.

What? And for everyone listening at home, I'm not drinking water from... His succulent teat! Yeah, I'm not milking those pecs. I am, in fact, drinking water from a large cup I have with Stone Cold Steve... I would call it a glass tumbler. What do you think? Just throwing it out there. Okay. Well, it is made of glass. You're right. And it's a... I've got to be honest with you. Still got a lot of water caught where it shouldn't be.

You alright? Yeah, I'm fine. Do you need to take a break? No, I'm okay. I feel like I just kind of... Yep. When...

Do you remember not believing in Santa? Yeah. I remember being told the truth about Santa. Oh, you got told. Willing it. into a dark corner of my brain so I would forget. And then the next year, my mum, as is fine in that kind of situation, remarked about, you know... Santa not being real. And I screamed at her, I made myself forget! And then ran to my room. And in retrospect, I was a fucking terrifying child. That's amazing. How old were you?

Oh, boy. Oh, no. Too long a pause. I reckon I was... I reckon I would have been seven to nine? I don't know. 79? I was 79, baby. Dinner for two. Dinner for 79. The ones that had the back of their head blown off by a freaking sniper. Yeah, and we're just kind of funneling. We're just pushing the meatloaf down their vocal cords. 79. Someone sucking off a seven. Just going to town on the freaking number seven. Sucking on their neck. I always thought the round bit of the number was the head.

Oh, dude, let me tell you something. What? Oh, but the seven's dick is at the top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, clearly, the large, beautiful circle at the top of the six and the nine, that indicates the... Beautiful orb of the pussy. Of the pussy, yeah. Okay. And then the weak stem of the clitoris that forms the rest of the woman's body. Man.

I wish we'd done this before we named the podcast because the weak stem of the clitoris is pretty good. No. Yeah. Absolutely not. Well, I was about to say something to you about Santa. Do you want a fucking medal for it? Do you honestly want a fucking medal for being about to say something? Are you about to Jezebel me? Thinking isn't enough. We need action. Did I tell you about my dad, Mike?

my cat that we had in my house i tell you about the cat that dad we had a cat called maca and he was like a ginger cat but actually it kind of looked like the cat that my dad has now And he used to attack me all the time, but I really, really loved him. He used to scratch the fuck out of my legs. This is... What, telling of the rest of my life? Yeah, I know. Yeah, man.

He used to, but it was just like, but it was a cat though. And I loved it so much. It was so soft, but your, your dad owned foreshadowing. That's what they were doing.

The Lord set up that little scene where you were like, I love you! And instead you received... pain yes yes yes no but the cat sometimes just lied on my lap and it was fine but then if i walked around the house at night it would attack my legs and scratch them really bad so i always had scratches on my legs and i really love this cat so i used to wear jeans to bed so if i had to go to the

toilet i would just like you know kind of get scratched up and then i remember so learning to not dress provocatively at night

Is that the message you're giving me? It was my fault before then because I was wearing my Elmo pajamas and how's he not going to attack that adorable sight? Oh, God. Keep going. So, I... Dad... got rid of the cat and we were sort of we we didn't we weren't really talking about it it was just kind of like well we can't just keep having this cat attack you right and I was like yeah but I love him and then one day dad picked me up from school

And I was... Hey, Ryan Reynolds here. Wishing you a very happy half-off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half... price, not half the service. Mint is still premium, unlimited wireless for a great price. So, that means a half day. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch.

A front payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed flow after 35 gigabytes of network's busy. Taxes and fees extra. See MintMobile.com. Trading at Schwab is now powered by Ameritrade. Unlocking the power of thinkorswim.

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Learn more at schwab.com slash trading. This holiday season, connection with the kids we love is the best gift of all. Right now, kids on average are spending between five to nine hours a day on screens, and studies link heavy use to rising anxiety and depression, with social media being at the center of it all. That's why Gab makes kids-safe phones and watches.

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and he didn't usually walk to my class but then he did and he was like hey um i took maca to the rspca and they said they were sending him to a farm and at that time i was like Okay. So he's dead. Like I was in my brain. I was like, so he's dead. And I can't believe you've just said those words because it's the biggest cliche I've ever heard in my life. And then I think.

I was maybe 19 and I talked to dad again and I was like, oh my God, remember when you told me that Macca went to a farm and dad was like, he did. They told me he was going to a farm. And then just kind of looked at me and went, oh. Like the RSPCA killed my cat and told my dad it was going to a... to a farm what the fuck so they why'd they say that to your dad I mean my dad really loved the cat as well we all really loved this horrible cat yeah

That ripped my legs into mincemeat. Oh, man. Sorry about that story. That's fine. I wasn't planning on doing anything for the rest of my life. I actually like just vacantly staring. This is fucked. He was fun. I had another cat called Jasmine. She went missing. Oh, what happened to him? Oh, fuck this. What happened? Oh, she went missing. She went missing. And instead, because we didn't have any pictures of her, I drew a shitty little text address.

and my parents were like, yeah, we'll put them up because clearly they didn't care for her that much. Yeah, well, they didn't have any pictures of her. Yeah. There's the clue.

Come to think of it, there's not that many pictures of me. Oh, sure there are. There's lots of fan art. You know, there's lots of people who... Draw you in image software. Yeah, in Adelaide, during Adelaide Fringe, there's more separate pictures of me doing different things than there were in my parents' hallway growing up. What else? What? What else? What else what? What else just generally? Oh, right. Yeah, you'll go. I was thinking about...

Oh, mosquito. Get it. Is it okay that the lights are blinking? Yeah. Does that mean we're talking? No, that's good. Oh, really? It means we're... Yeah, it's good. Usually it means bad. No. In technology. No. Don't you think? Nope. It does mean we're peaking a little bit, but I can fix it. We'll cut this out. No, I insist. I yank the curtain behind and let everyone into this cornucopia of podcast knowledge. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Go on.

What else? Bush 9-11. He sure did. Oh, man. What? I was thinking about the worst... like, file names I've had on my computer. Okay. Because of us talking, we were sat around for, I would say, half an hour. Yes. Tossing names back and forth at each other. Yes, I remember I was trying to do an airplane trick on your feet. I was leaning against... your legs. Yes. Trying to make you airplane me into the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crushing my titties. Just your usual board meeting. Yes, yes, yes. And...

We settled on BigSoftTitty.png. Yep. Keep talking. I'm going to get a whiskey. Okay. Well, here I am. Really? Yes. This just means that you're just yelling at me. Yeah. Okay. This is my lot in life. To hear a sad story about a cat then get shouted at. That's such an awful thing to yell. We have a perfect relationship! You're happy! Yeah, I was thinking about just the saddest... I think the saddest document names I've had on my computer are shit like...

Mealplan.xls. Oh, man! Are we going to talk about this? Are we getting into this? Like, just sad. We can get into whatever you want. I don't know what you're reading in it. But, like... Go on. Like, uh... Mealplan.xls or, um... Fuck, I had like a... Why is Mealplan specifically sad? Because it's boring or because it's telling of a problem? Oh, because it's...

Definitely because it's telling of a problem. Yeah, no, that's what I was talking about. Are we going to talk about this? Yeah. Oh, yeah, no. I used to have alarms on my phone that were for like 11.58 a.m. that said, remember to be skinny. And 1158 means it catches you off guard. It doesn't catch you when the clock's tonguing. That was exactly it. Oh, no. I've got that. I once uninstalled Chrome and then reinstalled it so that...

The links that I knew my exit clicked stopped showing up purple on my laptop.

Oh, my God. Did you ever find any that like, and it's fine if the answer is just no, but were there ever any that you were like, ugh? Little dick, how make best case? How dumb loser comedian. Demi Lardner age. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. I had to Google that the other week. Yeah, you forgot how fucking old you were. And you lost a year. Man, that sucked so bad for me. But also, I was like, the way that I figured it out was because I was talking to Penny Greenhall, the funniest woman alive.

We were, I was certain, like when we're talking about it, I was like, I'm not exactly sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm 23. And then I was like. Wait, I think Tom's 28. I am. Does that mean I'm 24? And then I had to like Google like what, how old am I if I was born in October 1993? And that didn't come up with a clear enough answer, so it was like, Demi Lardner age. And then it came up, oh, man, really rotten.

The first Google didn't solve it? Well, it didn't work because it wasn't simple enough. It didn't just tell me how old I was in years. So I had to look up what other people have found out about me. Why is it like, ah, you're two score years of age and a bushel of apples tall. With a great big bushy beard. Why, you're as spicy as seawater, young lady. Hiya. Thanks for visiting my webpage. Okay.

I'm trapped here. Oh no. I know. Oh. I put my dick in a CD drive and now I live here. Is that what happened? Did it shut on your dick and you got sucked in or? No, I just died there. Oh, you died there and this is your ghost I'm talking to. It was the most incredible pleasure. Interesting. And now I'm a ghost in the machine. Cool, what's St. Peter like or? Oh.

We don't have him here. Oh, you have just kind of that hula-lipping Jesus. It's Saint P3T3R. Saint P3O. Fuck you. I want to die. How could that be worse than what I was doing?

As always, you think you're doing a bit that's ironically bad, but then you fucking blow it out of the water with an even worse bit. I used to be a one-liner comedian, baby. Really? Did you know that? Yeah. Cool. I'm aware of your work. The end. Oh, fuck. What were you doing before you went to that French cunt's house? Oh, man, I was no good. I've heard that.

Yeah, I know. Michael Hing, Enemy of the Podcast. I'm calling it now. We don't have friends of it. Esports little shit. Enemy of the show. I would say Honored Rival. is the closest we have to a friend. Okay, cool. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, enemy of the show, Michael Haney. Enemy of the show. Honored rival. Long may his name be eaten by worms. He...

saw me start stand-up and I saw him start stand-up and that means that we've seen each other be so shit. Yeah. Like, worse than anything. Oh, were you shit? Fuck off. We're equals now. But yes. Cool, like how many awards do you have? How many childhoods did I have? Yeah, congrats on putting all your points into fucking comedy, cunt. I got a bike for Christmas. I got a unicycle once. That's half a bike. I got a unicycle once.

Wonderful. So you could traipse on down to the comedy club on your little wheel and entertain them as a 15-year-old hanging out with stand-up comedians. That were 30. Also, I had to pay for the unicycle. It was my present to myself. It's like a damn payment on a unicycle. What? You fucking later paid a unicycle for your Christmas? Until I was 14, my dad's side of the family only bought me bath toys as presents on Christmas because they said the rest of the present was going...

towards like a uni fund that doesn't exist because I didn't get it when I went to uni. Oh my God. Anyway, so I was a bad stand-up comedian. And still retain, I will say, a certain amount of defensiveness. I screwed at you. And I fucking sucked. And I jumped into doing like fringe shows because I used to like host uni, theater sports and stuff. Yeah. So I had kind of like a very inflated sense of my own self-importance because I was quite good at hosting. Yeah. But then...

I don't know if you know this, but writing jokes, boy oh boy, it's quite difficult. Yes. We don't do it anymore. No, it's much easier to do a dance. Much easier to half learn a dance and then win an award. Anyway, go watch Tom Walker's Next Gen iView special. Mine's coming out in a few days. Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, I fucking sucked. What did Hing tell you? He just told me you were bad. Yeah. And he did that autistic thing he does where he was like, oh, he was so bad. He's a good boy.

He has two emotions. I'm doing the right thing and I'm doing the wrong thing. Man, I've seen him pivot between those so well. Yeah? I mean, I know I've told you this several times. What? Tell me again. Just him in the car. With his girlfriend. And he was like, I feel old. Because I don't know what...

Thick is? Thick double C. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone kind of explained it to him for a while. They were like, well, it's like an attractive thing. It's for a woman who's slightly thicker, has like a bit more mass, but it's still beautiful, like curvy and stuff. And Hing was like, oh, cool. Like, you know, how you're thick, babe. And then the deepest silence. Here is...

My dramatic reading of those moments. Okay. And they're all lines by Michael Hing. Okay. He's driving a car. Wait, should I be other people? No, no, no. Okay, you just do it yourself? Yeah, this is a two-line excerpt. Okay. And both lines are from Michael Hing. I like your thick. No! No you're not!

Oh, man. So good. Hang. Hang, we know you're listening to this. Hang, fuck, just get a different person. Hing, I love you and I'm very offended that you don't think we know each other very well. Yeah. Still. It's Tom here from before. If you can get me on the feed, that'd be good. I think I might have to make some serious changes to my lifestyle if I don't find success soon. By which I mean I'm going to become a labourer.

No. What? No. You don't reckon I will? No. I reckon I could. You wouldn't be able to talk to them. I reckon I could. You'd find them interesting on the first two days and then you'd want to kill yourself and then you would. I might not go through with it. I'm a coward. That's true, but...

You know, if you're a labourer, you're going to be on a work site where there's chains instead of ropes. I would be an absolute cut up on the work site. Didn't you hear me stutter through that poetry reference before? Fuck yes. Have you ever met a really gruff... that then likes poetry. Did I ever meet a very masculine man at clown college or studying my arts degree at the University of Sydney? Did you? No, I didn't. No, I...

The closest I got was, like, I do, like, Brazilian jiu-jitsu. I did that a few times. And those are, like, the most masculine people that I've met. masculine in masculine like if you were reading a dictionary masculine as someone who hasn't read a dictionary in let me check my seven days What? I was looking at my naked wrist as well, which only makes the bit worse. Fuck. Didn't act out. Yeah, I don't know. They were like rough kind of guys.

Which is great to be choked out by a real, you know, by a dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some would say a daddy. Oh. Air forced from my... Anyway, let's get off that. Okay. Immediately. What else? Just turning the eye on me. Do you want to get a mailbag? Yeah, let's check the old mailbag. Cool. All right. I have. All right.

Here we go. Okay. Blue tack colour is the perfect modelling material with excellent moulding and inhibited properties. Alright. Okay, cool. Well, um... Thanks, boss dick. Not sure how to answer that one. I have... Okay. Go. Hey, Tom. If you have anyone for this Wednesday's guest list, you can email their names through to me. Alternatively, here's the link for the Eventbrite. HTTPS colon slash slash www.eventbrite.com.au

Slash E. Slash trial hyphen show hyphen Zoe hyphen Coombs. Stop licking my fucking foot, you degenerate. Keep going. I'll begin again. Hi, Tom. If you have anyone for this Wednesday's guest list, you can email their names through. This is the worst. Alternatively, here's the link for the Eventbrite colon HTTPS. colon slash slash or wait forward slash no let's start again okay

Hi, Tom. If you have anyone for this Wednesday's guest list, you can email them next to me. Alternatively, here's the link for the Eventbrite. Colon. H-T-T-P. Event. Thanks, Yvonne. Yvonne McCall. Okay. That's enough of that. Yeah, that's in that mailbag. Okay, cool. I don't think I have anyone for the guest list, though. Can I come? Embryonic stage. I do not want anyone to see it. You can come. You've seen me at my worst. I'd love to come. It opens up my bum. I love to come.

Fuck, we're good at comedy. Yeah, I'm really proud of my extension, which was sounds. Is extension some kind of fucking clown word? No, it's like an improv thing, I think. Because that's the difference here. You have two worlds colliding. I don't know any of that. The street smart world of stand-up. Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Demi Lardner. The little warrior of the microphone. Oh, this tiny temper. Oh, this pocket rocket. This feisty young woman. This teeny little teen. Oh, okay.

Keep in mind, you fuck me. I do. I do. And it's great. Cool. Couldn't recommend it less to anyone else. Hands off. mine mine i like doing it I'm getting better at it. Yeah, fucking Demi's a lot like stand-up. You've got to do it for like six years. Then you've got a chance of getting good. Oh man, and you've got to fail. You've got to fail. Otherwise you won't learn. I was thinking earlier.

Just when we do that. That's the moment I start shaking my phone to see if I've got an excuse to leave the lunch early. Yeah. Oh, man. Should we stop? No, no, no. HTTPS. Call it. Don't read out my confidential email on how people can receive tickets to my trial. Tom Walker is good at gmail.com.au. It's not .au. It's not .au.

And also, even if people do email me, nothing bad can come of it. I don't want to be proven wrong. Never mind. Please don't. Please don't email me. It'd be really funny if you didn't. Oh my god. I wonder if it's obvious to people who are listening that you're drinking and I'm not. Because I'm just not drinking because I kind of fell into it. You fell into not drinking. Yeah. That's not how anything works. I fell onto the wagon. I was drinking on a very big bridge.

You were drinking on a rickety cliff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I sidled right up to the edge and I was drinking a beer and I was like, boy, can't love this yeast water. And the roadrunner came along and just kind of pecked at the cliff. and then you plummeted. All respect to him. Boy's got one hard beak. What I can only assume was mostly rock. What a strong bird.

Boy, and I can see why they call this thing the roadrunner. Yeah, tell me why. Freaking runs on roads, dude. Yeah, it's true. And I mean, like, he freaking runs. Yes. Boy, oh boy, this Tasmanian devil. I thought him and the blur were two separate characters. He's a blur so much of the time. Anyway, I'm not drinking. And it fucking sucks. It sucks. Why did you make that decision? I just...

I think I drink... When I drink at night, just at home, it doesn't make me feel very good. Okay. And I think it makes me insensitive. In a few ways, it makes me much more stumbly. I interrupt you. I talk over you more when I've been drinking, I feel. Especially when we're at home and there's nothing... To gain from it in a social lubricant sense, like it's just for a fun time. Yeah. I don't feel like the positives outweigh the negatives sometimes. Or at least with the amount that I was drinking.

Man, I never know when you're drunk. Right. You do not seem different to me, which is probably why it's like, it's why I get maybe offended sometimes. Yeah, right.

You have no excuse. Because I don't have that charming big red nose that a drunkard would have. And a great big bushy beard. Oh, my God. Okay, fine. We get it. You've seen Hot Fuzz. I love Hot Fuzz. That's so obvious. Yeah, how's that whiskey?

It's great. I don't want to tempt you. I don't think I'm going to be. I think this is one of my famous arbitrary points that I'm willing to die on a hill for. How long do you think you're not going to drink for? I think until the end of January is when I've said it. What?

What's the date? I'm looking at my naked wrist. Okay, well, it is... It is the... It's like the 6th, the 8th. No, it's the 9th. It's the 9th as of now, as of 30 minutes ago. That means tomorrow we both have trial shows. Oh, f***. Fuck me. I'm going to go panic buy some property. Oh, my God. We should both go to the rope shop. Very good. Very good. Do you want to end this? Huh? Do you want to end it? Yeah, wait. Cool. So that's your mic forever. Dude.

And by this, I meant our relationship. Oh, yeah, so it, like, sunk into that mic cover, hey. The pop filter smells so bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's a pop filter, and what it does is... It traps your hair. Yeah, it's a fucking sponge. So you just, what you did, you just cupcaked yourself. You just threw your own butt air into your fucking nostrils. I want everybody to know. Holy shit. Fuck. All right, do you have any plugs? What? No. I don't want anyone to look at me.

Come to our trial shows on the 10th. Follow me on Twitter. Wednesday. What day is it? Oh, it's the 9th. Yeah, come to the 10th. It'll be uploaded before then. Really? Are you going to upload them by then? I'm going to upload in the morning. All right. Well, come check out. The show's a giant dwarf. Demi's on stage as part of comedy-ish trial series. I'm doing a... Don't just sniff your own... What? What am I going to do? Not...

interrogate my surroundings? That's what separates us from the animals. I have a voracious desire to learn. Oh, man. Come to our shows. 10th of January at Giant Dwarf. It will be Justin Hamilton and then me and then Tom. Yeah. We'll be doing a show and then Mr. Brightside. It's me, the cage boy. Thank you. We're the cures. The next song. Not many people know this. Also about being in a cage. Yeah, just...

On your bones, I'm inside a cage. That was The Killers. Is it? Yeah. I don't know any of them. Bones. Okay. This cunt. Get out. Demi is talking to a mosquito and just grabbed it there. Anyway, that's my roast. We're done. Goodbye. Okay. This holiday season, connection with the kids we love is the best gift of all. Right now, kids on average are spending between five to nine hours a day on screens.

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