BIGFEETS Episode 33 - BIGFEETS VS. ALASKA MONSTERS

Squatch, Yahoo, Phantom of the Forest, You Spear, Finger, Fire, Dragon, Ohio Grassman, Silver Giant, Bloodless Hallow, West Virginia Vampire, Coyote King, Hogzilla, Devil Dark, Coyote Killer. Creature, Mothman, Smoke, Wolf, Lizard, Demon, Ashman, Grafton, Monster, Cow, Killing, Bastard, Shadow, Creature, Dustman, Cherokee... Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Red Island Bear Beasts Silver Giant Squalling Savage Black Wolves Kind of Average Stone Giant Raven Mocker Midnight Whistler Wampus Beasts Wild Wild Woman Ohio Grass Man Again Technically Huckleberry Wolf Man of Wolf Downy need to find the axe again If we hurt the lightning man The West is where we'll steadily howl Kentucky hellhound Little girl, endless horror I can't take it anymore Steal yourself some chicken wire

And I'll get some lumber, catch the Thunder Brothers. Don't you dare get out of the golf cart. We can keep our big seats while we hunt the big feet.

Welcome to Big Feats! We are a Mountain Monsters watch-along podcast by the creators of 1900hotdoc.com, the final website. Go there for daily articles by an all-star cast of comedy writers, and support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash 1900hotdoc... to get all our jokes, plus Discord movie events. Also more! Our normal Big Feet's host is still on hiatus, leaving it to me. Hi! I'm Internet's Sean Baby, and Chief Karate Negotiator of Southeast Asia.

and i am new york times best-selling author jason pargen yes this is another robert brockwellist episode which if you know the format means we are not going to do a regular episode of mountain monsters we will never recap mountain monsters without brockway if he never comes back then that format of the show never comes back so we have found an alternative

is it as ridiculous as the last alternative we found ufo cowboys that's a very tall order and frankly unfair for you to expect us to meet that standard again But this one's pretty stupid. It is very stupid. Jason, your TikToks and also book I'm Starting to Worry About This Black Box of Doom are sweeping the nation. It's a standalone novel with everything.

it's got bulldozer battles bucky's gas stations mysteries titties and twists can you tell us anything more about it at least one of those was not accurate but i will leave it up to the readers to find out But yes, it is available now in all formats, hardcover, ebook, audio, just those three. We'll be back soon. And obviously we'd never watch an episode of Monsters, Adam.

But we would watch an episode of Alaska Monsters Without Him, the 2014 exact same show by the exact same producers set in Alaska. So according to the episode guide, they fight everything from the Otterman. to the Sabretooth, to the difficulty of coming up with monsters every single week because they fight Bigfoot on all the other episodes, just like our boys in the Ames team. This is a fascinating phenomenon because...

The existence of this show means that somebody greenlit a spinoff of Mountain Monsters. After like season two of Mountain Monsters, because that show only started in, I think, 2013. This was 2014, 2015, made it two seasons. But it did not take very much Mountain Monsters before somebody else was. Like, I've got to have my own exact, that exact thing. I want you to find me another wild bill. I need the same facial hair. And just like sped that into production.

So, wow. I'm starting to think that Colt Straub, the guy behind these shows, is the greatest producer in the world. Yes, he's clearly a genius. Because he can walk into a meeting and walk out with a yes, no matter what. And I mean, no matter what. It is the most valuable skill in Hollywood, and he clearly has it. We're in the Alaska Triangle, it explains. We're in zone 22. It's called Buffalo Haven. And we are seeing a flash forward, I assume. It's a night vision camera of a burly man.

He hears something behind him. He says, there's something behind us. Did you hear that? And then like anyone in mortal danger from something behind them, he continues to stand very still looking the other direction. It's a good way to start the show because it's very stupid, confusing. And then it's going to cut the credits and come back to a four days earlier thing. So it's like, hey, here's a hint.

of the action that's coming it's not like mountain monsters where they build up to it it's like hey we're going to give you a little taste of what's going to be coming up in the exciting climax

and now we're going to circle back and set it all up now a couple of things that the listeners may already be questioning what is zone twenty two is alaska divided up into zones instead of counties the answer is no They made that up for this show. Some of you are asking, where is Buffalo Haven, Alaska? Nowhere. They also made that up for this show. i find that to be a fascinating creative choice that again i have wondered is there a legal reason that they had to do that

But because they point out on a map where they're at, but the place where they're at, these are fictional, fictional zones. Like, I think these zones they reference are... in the universe of this show, that's for their own use. Like these are the Bigfoot zones and they're going to zone 22 of the various different Bigfoot habitats in the. Alaska Triangle. And then some listeners have already said, wait a second, what is the Alaska Triangle? It's nothing. They didn't invent it for the show.

But it is much like the Bermuda Triangle, a totally arbitrary triangle that somebody drew on a map across three points of interest and then declared that everyone who has ever gone missing in that triangle vanished due to big... Now, in reality, this is brutal, harsh wilderness that is constantly has planes flying over it. So the Bermuda Triangle, for those of you who don't know, the way that came about was...

Every time somebody set sail in that area around Bermuda and never came back, which is a heavily trafficked area, they would announce that these people disappeared. And were never seen again. When what happened was their boat sank. They were never seen again because their boat sank. But they would just change that wording to disappeared.

the alaska triangle is the exact same thing every time some guy in a little tiny cessna tries to fly through a blizzard drunk and crashes in the middle of this six hundred thousand square miles of alaska they say and he was never found again it's like yeah because you're never going to find him it was in the middle of thousands of acres of woods but he's out there he's been eaten by polar bears do they have polar bears in alaska

I don't think so. He's been eaten by someone. I can guarantee you. They do. They do have a lot of drunk guys driving into blizzards. The fate was he crashed and then nobody bothered to go looking for him because why would you? You're just going to crash yourself. He's dead and has been eaten by wildlife.

They are going to, in every episode, talk about we are here to get to the bottom of the mystery of the Alaska Triangle because in the universe of this show, everyone who's gone missing in the Alaska Triangle has been eaten by a Sasquatch. Yes.

or other strange and unexplained creatures, it says. So the intro of the show explains that they're frontiersmen with cutting edge technology, exploring the triangle zone by zone. Our team is Little Bear, the team leader. Krusty, the researcher. Todd, the trap engineer. And those three are all big burly men with long beards and hats. But then there's also Levi, the tech expert, who...

Looks like a tech expert. He's a nerd. And he makes Jeff look charming. And that's as mean a thing as I can say when you're a TV personality. Levi sucks hard. There's also Rhett, the rookie, who would probably be like a burly hunk on the mainland. But in Alaska, he's a twink for sure. And then finally, they have Face, who is not a face. He's an expert tracker. I think this is just Ed Asner researching a role before he died. He is ludicrous. Sean unfairly said that Levi sucks compared to face.

Face has been shown a reel of Wild Bill highlights and said, we need you to play Wild Bill. For a guy to just be Wild Bill is one thing. You can't hold that against him. That's who he is. Sure. To act the role of Wild Bill as faces, because he is their expert tracker, and he actually does that in this show. But he is there to be their Wild Bill. He has the mannerisms. He has the shouting random phrases.

Some of you find Wild Bill irritating. A man trying to fake being Wild Bill and doing it in a voice, he's doing a wacky, wacky woodsman comedy voice. It's a lot. And it made me physically angry, like angry on a physiological measurable level. To add to it, he does look like one of the dwarves from the Bad Lord of the Rings movies.

Just so you sort of have that sense memory of something sucking in addition to the man right in your face sucking so hard. Also, they did a thing. He has the long white prospector beard as four members of the team do, I think. And he has like a rubber band tied around it. I 100% believe the producers made him do that.

To separate him from the other identical looking men with long white prospector beards. And they're like, no, put like a braid or put something on your beard so they can tell which one is which. I would have gone with body glitter, I think. So the voiceover says, when you investigate Alaska, the home of the missing, Bigfoot is just the beginning. And while I say that.

They have just so much irrefutable proof of Bigfoot on display, like just footprints, more footprints, a couple of cameraman attacks, but mostly mostly a whole lot of Alaska clowning. So that's that's the show.

It's exactly Mountain Monsters, but with some asshole playing Wild Bill. And they have a little bit more of a budget, but in their voiceover, they have some phrasing that's like Alaska, where some people go to... become to disappear but others disappear against their will and then they use phrasing that specifically implies if you have ever had a loved one go just go missing in alaska

they were probably eaten by a Bigfoot. That's true. They did not get drunk in the forest and freeze to death. They were not stabbed by a meth head at a bar. No. Everyone who's gone missing, real good chance that's a Sasquatch murder. It'll be a closed casket, and you have to go to Bigfoot and trade him crystals to get the remains back to bury anything at all. So what I also like about the show is they tell you to the minute when something is happening. So it's like we go, it's 1032 hours.

And they show the meeting of everybody. And we meet Little Bear. And this fucker just comes roaring in to say hi to everybody. And he is a... Physical menace. Like, if this man stomped over to shake your hand, you would either dive to the side or die. Like, I don't know why they need the rest of the team. He's at least 80% grizzly bear. Okay.

I cannot describe clothing the way that Sean can. So the next 20 minutes of this recording is going to be Sean describing Little Bear's outfit. Because you might think you're ready for how this guy is going to show up. What he's going to be dressed as when he goes to meet the team for the first time in the very first episode. You want to talk about making a first impression? Buckle up. I didn't write down anything.

You know, in a cartoon, when someone runs through a clothesline and they come out in there in a zany outfit, it's like, what if someone just ran through like an Alaska gift shop? He's wearing like fur chaps and like.

20 amulets and like I like if I tried to write down everything this guy has on a furry animal pelt like a shawl just draped over his shoulders it's not a piece of clothing it's just a hide that he has thrown over his neck this chaps on the back are shiny black leather on the front are very long furry chaps and blue jeans a spectacular cowboy hat even more spectacular facial hair necklaces amulets

I would need to bring up a photo to go basically zone by zone on his body to describe it. Because I'm not adequately doing... Like, it is definitely more than the sum of its parts to see the outfit. But I do want to note something after, because this is actually the funniest time to note it. This man, Little Bear, the leader of the crew, he doesn't come back for season two of Alaska Monsters.

He lasts six episodes and then they don't mention where he went. So you can speculate in your own mind what fake he meant. I know exactly what that means. He's probably just changing his clothes. He'll be back in season 11. But yeah, if any listeners or viewers want to speculate in the comments, if you have watched the show, what... happened to little bear that made him unavailable for did he get a bigger role did he demand too much money is he in prison is he dead

You won't find out from Google that none of these men have any presence on the Internet. I can find no evidence that they exist. And like, if you search for little bear, you'll get a lot of matches. But then if you try to zero in on it, like no leather chaps, little bear. You will, yeah. And then six hours later, you will forget what you were searching for. Yes. I had a really fun night on the internet. So he started this team because he's sure there's creatures out here in the woods.

Jason, I want to give you the honors of telling everyone the fucking name of his team. So the name of the crew instead of the Ames team is he called them the Midnight Sons, spelled. S-O-N-S. He claims, just as in Mountain Monsters, inexplicably that he formed the Midnight Suns in 2008. So in both shows, they gave them like, in all three shows, they gave them like a seven years of experience.

before we met them right and you will also those of you listen to the theme song that is like we're the midnight sons we're the chosen ones whatever it is by the same band that does mountain man town the theme song to mountain monsters i cannot remember if ufo cowboys had a rock theme did it I don't think so. God, I don't even know. But these songs are composed for the show. And if you listen to the lyrics of the song about the Midnight Suns, it is very funny. I did not take a recording.

But he's assembling everybody for the Bigfoot hunt. They're going after the Central Alaska Bigfoot. And Krusty, the researcher, explains in my notes, it says anywhere from six and a half to nine, ten feet tall. 700 to 1,000 pounds. I did the math. That's anywhere from 0.8 to 1.4 shacks in height and 2.3 to 3.3 shacks in weight. So to help you picture that, imagine Shaquille O'Neal carrying...

two Scottie Pippins, and then people seeing that and reporting anything from I saw a Scottie Pippin to I saw a much larger man carrying two of him. That's how reliable their sources are before you consider these are stories about Bigfoot. Like, I'm saying we've already got a huge problem in the data and the reporting. And then he goes on to say that its fur has been reported as strawberry blonde or black or white. So all of that stuff you just said, you could have phrased it as...

We don't know what it looks like or what it is or what it does. Or even if all of these sightings were of the same creature, because why would you think they were if there's that much variance? One of them, I think it was Little Bear, suggests that it was like a snowshoe hare. You know how they change colors depending on the season? So this is how conspiracy thinking works. You take data, you make it fit into the story, however. So fine, he's a...

A Bigfoot that molts, changes color, changes size, maybe. Or not. Who can say? Later on in the episode, somebody's going to say, well, you know, maybe he changes color to blend with his environment. Like a chameleon. Like, sure. Right. Sure. Sure.

That's totally normal. This is all extremely helpful for our hunt. All of this information you've given us. They all take turns saying... a version of the things are big in Alaska and then face screams we are the last frontier I guess so I guess uh oh crack me up so hard I guess they just sit around brainstorming license plate holders in the middle of a Bigfoot hunt I don't know

I just think that the 10-foot cryptid that's eluded capture for 100,000 years might have a chance against these guys, is my point. And that was the point of the episode where I decided that none of these men had been to Alaska before. And in fact, this might not be being filmed in Alaska. They might be in Colorado or something. Yes. Because I don't get an Alaska vibe from any of this.

Yeah, because if they say, hey, we're in this, they look up a county on the map. People might watch the show and say that the county doesn't look like that. There's no sawmill there, whatever.

So Krusty has a story about some buffalo disappearing, probably because of Bigfoot. So he's doing the whole ancient Indian history like Jeff normally does. but he has something in his beard that I can't understand. It's like, it's like a part of it died. Like it's a dreadlock that formed around 15 sticks of gum, but it looks kind of wet.

I watched the entire episode only trying to figure out what he has in his beard because there's some shots where it looks like an animal tooth that he's like stitched in there. Other times it looks like he has spit. several times and it just dried like tobacco dries. It's very distracting. One time I could have sworn it was just a hole in his beard and that was his shirt that was showing underneath. It could just be like a weird cat turd.

ties to his chin when it's a special occasion. I realize people listening to this who have not watched the show are wondering why we're stopping for so long to focus on this. I'm telling you, if you watch the episode, it's the only thing you'll be able to...

I had to stop and rewind to listen to what they were saying because I was so distracted trying to figure out what he had in his beard. I didn't even bother rewinding. I was like, I'm never going to hear what this guy's saying because I'm trying to figure out what... It's kind of leathery. It's like an umbilical cord of his beard waiting to rot off. I hate it so much, it's so distracting.

The meeting goes on and on. Face does a Bigfoot impression. He's like, I once saw a Bigfoot. I heard a Bigfoot and went whoop, whoop, whoop. And I'm like, dude, you've been hunting Bigfoots for six years. Like maybe don't. Right. Maybe try to remember that part of your backstory. He immediately tries to, it's like, yeah, one time I was out fishing it and I thought I saw a Bigfoot. It's like, no, no, no.

The fiction is that you are professional Sasquatch hunters and have been doing it for most of a decade. Did no one tell you that that was going to be in the voiceover? And the other thing I guess we've not mentioned, they're not doing this briefing in a truck. They have like a headquarters. They have like an HQ. Yeah. And it's just an old outbuilding in the middle of the wilderness somewhere. I don't think the guy who owns it knows they're shooting in it. I think they just.

Just set up and then ran away when the guy came home. Hell y'all doing out here? You shooting a porno? You know goddamn well we're hunting Bigfoot out here. All right, carry on. Carry on. Thank you.

I had reporters of him in zone 22. He's anywhere from 700 to 1400 pounds. He's every color. Uh, so, uh, Levi, the nerd explains that they're going to use cameras. And lasers, like he doesn't seem to have a handle on what technology is, but he's going to prove they exist. That's his goal. But everyone else is definitely here to kill that Bigfoot. Yeah. Again, maybe this goes without saying.

They absolutely have no idea whatsoever what they are trying to do to or with this animal if they catch it. We will get to that later. But even here in the briefing, some of them have the energy of... well this thing slaughters everything in its path you know we're going to put an end to its reign of terror and then the nerds like well we are hoping to analyze it and get some good documentation for the scientists

Which, by the way, having a nerd character, anybody who watched action shows in the 80s knows you need the nerd. character like that's that's a standard thing the computer guy doesn't fit in he's not a tough guy like everybody else it's like a source of dramatic and comedic tension uh also the the nerd character also does not make it to season two. They cut him loose. So enjoy Levi. Those are the two things that work about the show. They took off the burly super guy and the...

That's so stupid. They kept face in season two? Yeah, all the other people, and then they cast two new guys, and I don't remember their names, but yeah, one of the guys they're going to bring in is called a forensic researcher, which I'm sure is hilarious, but I have not watched all these episodes. Fast forwarded to season two, because I noticed on IMDb that these two guys were only credited with six episodes. And I thought, oh, do they get eaten by a Bigfoot?

In the season finale. And no, episode one, season two, they just don't mention them at all. They just retroactively just act like they were never there. It's great. But yeah, even in this opening briefing. You can't just erase him. The world famous. In this opening briefing, like right after the nerd talks about how he's got cameras and lasers and.

Obviously, we're all hoping that there's a scene later where he has a laser that blasts a hole in Bigfoot like at the end of Congo. That's not what he means. Hell yes. That right after he mentions about getting documentation and all that, it cuts right back to them. the little bear like charging out of the room like gentlemen let's get this hairy bastard

Which is not normally how a scientist talks about finding and tagging a specimen. But right away, it's not like they're going to address this conflict in the fiction where the nerd's going to confront Little Bear and say, like, no. We just need to document him. No, they just never acknowledge that they, that they have totally different agendas. Yeah. He has that like little brother energy of like, I'm, I'm a cool burly guy too. Right. Like, uh,

I love it. So they set up a meeting. It's exactly like Mountain Monsters. They set up a meeting with an eyewitness out at some old sawmill. This is kind of an improvement because they have a location they're meeting someone at, like you might with a real human person and not just like...

An NPC in the grass, which always cracks me up. They do do that later in the episode, but like this guy, they're like, let's meet at the sawmill, which is the place we could both drive to. They do. Another thing they carried over from Mountain Monsters was the car comedy bit. Yeah. On the way to the sawmill, they do. They have a bit specifically. They have face do a wild bill bit. Right. So they they ask face what he's going to do when he finds the Bushman. He goes, oh.

Going to take a big old bite out of him. So then Little Bear the whole time has been suspiciously like preparing something. And then right after he says he's going to take a bite, he pulls his fucking dentures out and says, here, use these. And, of course, it gets a huge laugh in the car, but I was troubled by it. Plus, it's like a bear trap with plaque on it. This guy's mouth is the size of a tennis racket.

And how did he lose his teeth at such a young age? He's not an old man, but I don't know. Because there's some habits that can cause your teeth to go bad. It's either methamphetamines or Bigfoot. He probably got punched in the face by Bigfoot. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. So they get to the sawmill. There's nobody there. The whole place is abandoned. And so this is something that we don't normally see where they're like, oh, what? There's...

We couldn't find the guy in the woods. Now, they do this thing where they show up to the empty sawmill and they're like, where is everybody? And it's like spooky music playing. Like this is suspicious as opposed to, oh, we scheduled it at the wrong time or they're on their way.

But it's like a plot point because then up in a golf cart comes not their witness because they claim we're going to talk to two employees at the sawmill who were frightened of the Bigfoot. It's like the sawmill foreman coming up in a golf cart explaining. No, all of my sawmill workers are cowards who walked off the job, walked off their full-time job because they're scared of the Bigfoot. They're scared of the Bushman. It's so good.

He says they don't spook easy, so this might be the first time the entire crew stayed home because they heard a Bigfoot. So, I mean, these aren't normally the kind of guys that stay home because of Bigfoot. But anyway, those are the stakes. We got to find the Bigfoot, get these boys back to work. No one's stealing any wives. No one's eating any mushrooms or apples. It's just he yelled near a sawmill and now nobody can work.

I mean, that's probably Zone 22's main industry, the sawmill. You shut that down. Well, the funny thing is that they even say like, well, are you sure it wasn't like a bear? And like, no, you know, this thing was over seven feet tall. The only word I could use is Bigfoot. Which is not much of a reveal considering the name of the show and the genre, but whatever. But the thing is, if you work in Alaska, I would think seeing bears and stuff, wolves, whatever.

Not that uncommon, all of which would be more dangerous than a Bigfoot. You're right, though. All the witnesses on the show, just like mountain monsters, do that thing where they're like, I heard a noise. I saw a shape, kind of a man shape with...

What do you call them at the end of their legs? I can't. Feet. Something about feet. Like, it's like you called the Bigfoot hunters to meet you in the woods. You saw, I would say, one of the most common things. Any person alive knows what a fucking Bigfoot is. But they're always like, I don't know. It could be anything. An ape? So now, here, Little Bear says...

Because this guy makes it clear, like his sawmill is ruined unless they can fix their Bigfoot, get rid of their Bigfoot problem. And Little Bear says, don't worry, we'll catch him and tag him. Now, do they mean, because I think when you're tagging wildlife, it's something new so you can track it. You put like a thing in its ear or whatever, so you can track its migration patterns. But I don't know if there's slang where tagging it means. taking it to preserve a Bigfoot preserve somewhere.

Because if he's just talking about tagging him and turning him loose, that doesn't fix this guy's problem. It's going to come and frighten his cowardly sawmill workers again. I would say... In likeliness, it is toe tag, like he's going to tag him and bag him, tag him for a research project or relocation, or maybe they're just playing tag. They're just going to... Tap him and be like, you're next, Bigfoot. I'm going to zone 23. You'll never catch me. Because they will never...

They will never resolve this right up through the final credits, which I get that this was made while Mountain Monsters is still in its first couple seasons. So they also had not solved any of these problems. It's not like this is made with, you know, the...

the lessons that have been learned of doing a decade of mountain monsters it was still early and they were all still young and foolish um but here a little bear says all right we need to come back and do a Night Recon. Which is the first of the delightful changes in terminology to make it clear this is not Mountain Monsters. This is not a night investigation. Idiot.

This is a night recon, and I immediately, because they're in Alaska, imagine saying, all right, we'll be back in three months. Right. You go, right? Of course. Don't the nights last? In some parts, yeah. Not here. Apparently, here they have a normal day-night cycle. It's never mentioned. Sure. I love this because...

The first thing they say on the night recon is that they're looking for rocks, overturned rocks and prints, which I feel like you would have had a better chance of finding those during the day is just my point. But normally they don't say that. Normally they go there at night and you're like, oh, cool. They're going to do it at night. But here they're like, we're looking for things specifically we need the light for. Well, right. And also.

The one sighting they have was during the day. This was not an overnight sawmill operation. It was during work hours that they saw it. So no reason in the world why they had to come back at night. And, of course, they are immediately going to find. that it is next to impossible to do this at night, and they're going to totally fail. Spoiler. But in their night stuff, their night vision is this very bright green that's hard to look at.

It's not like the mountain monsters where it's that gray thermal camera, whatever the hell. It's like that really harsh, bright green, and it's kind of hard in the eyes. It's pretty unpleasant, yeah.

They kind of all just clumsily stomp in a random direction. And then Face goes, I smell shit! And Little Bear quips, you sure it's not you? And... Here's where you know Face is a good improv artist, because he goes, No! And then Little Bear says, You're not sure it's not you? And... You know, like, inviting him back into the bed. Like, we can still make this work. And he screams, if it was me, you'd know it! Like, he's really mad. Okay, think about what he said there. Think about that comeback.

If these were my turds, you would know it. Yes. It would not smell like it would not smell like this Sasquatch feces. It would smell like you would know the difference. My turds stink way worse than what you're smelling right here, buddy. You would not be able to stand here if this was mine. I swallow a lot of hair. It comes out smoking. Face does a testimonial to camera where he is straight up doing a wild bill impression to the point that it enraged me.

said i've smelled a lot of doo-doo and that was bushman doo-doo i can guarantee you that now yeah I dare have not given any context to why he has smelled so much Bushman feces that he can instantly identify it and know that this is not deer, bear, even though all these animals are eating the same diet. They're all eating the same berry stuff around here that he can instantly detect it on site. Doesn't explain. I would love if in the improv, someone had pinned him down on that and said,

What does it smell like, Bushman? How's it different from other animal feces? Face? Tell me. We've got time. Just explain why you can so easily identify it. Is there a spicy note to it? There was a line he said during this tantrum where he says, I was walking up the hill. I was leading because I'm brave. I thought that was... It's something exactly a seven-year-old would say and no one else. No, there's one other person that would say that. Wild Bill.

It's a goofy Wild Bill Marine thing where he would shout, you know, yeah, I'm waiting for men in front because I'm brave. I feel like he would have put it in a different way. Yeah, that's true. He would have used different phrasing. Because if I meet something, I'm going to meet a dick first. Like, that's something Wild Bill would say. He has personality.

So then they go through the motions. I love that we pine. I love we make fun of Mountain Monsters and it's such an inept, stupid show. And then we see the spinoff. We're like, God damn, I wish we were back watching Mountain Monsters. Remember old Wow Bill? He was a clever guy. He didn't really turn a phrase. I think my issue with this is...

One, they have clearly more of a budget. I don't know if we've explained this, but for example, they've got a lot of overhead shots that I think are plane shots because they will use a plane later in the show. So in Alaska's wilderness shot from above is spectacular. It is amazing. So like their beauty shots in between look great. It is high definition. They've rented a plane camera. It looks great.

It is the production's just a little bit better. When they build their trap, they've got access to a little bit more stuff. Their tech guy does have a bunch of gadgets. So they spent a little bit more money, but it's clear... that they don't have any idea what does and doesn't work about mountain monsters so the things they're trying to like correct are kind of the wrong things but saying

Well, we've got to have a wild bill. You know, we've got to have a guy who can who's doing wild bill. And then their trap guy is really doing Willie. Like it's. We'll get into it. But anyway, they do the perfunctory thing where they hear a noise, a branch snaps. They look at something and say, oh my God, look at that. Cut commercial. And of course it's a frigging footprint, which I guess you have to do this. Like you have to have this.

Like in a Batman franchise, you've got to have the parents get shot. Like that has to be there. So the moment where they hear a branch snap and then they find a footprint, like I guess Bigfoot fans would riot if that wasn't in the first episode. I think, yeah, I think you're probably right. Yeah, they did that CSI recreation of like, oh, this is where he drug his leg across that log. And...

And yeah, and they do the same thing where they marvel at this track, this very ordinary track, while the creature is 10 feet away. Like, they just heard it. And they're like, let's just stop here and look at this track. They way overdid it with the track. It's like two yards too big for any kind of a foot. An elephant wouldn't leave a footprint this big.

One of them is that maybe a little bear and somebody reaches down and measures the footprint using their shotgun as a measuring stick because none of these people ever think to bring a tape measure. Even though that's crucial to what they're doing. They're constantly trying to guess how tall or how wide something is. And they're always using some ridiculous like.

Well, his shoulders were brushing that branch. Go stand next to that branch. Well, he's six foot two. So that means he must have been at least. It's like, okay, next time, bring a tape measure. They're small. Put it in your pocket. You know, you can get an exact measure. I measure everything by shacks and shotguns. Yeah, it's two-thirds of a shotgun. It's like, what? And then it also says that he says, based on this track, 800 pounds minimum.

Again, no moment where they measure the depth of the track or explain, because that could be kind of a cool thing. Maybe the other guy, the nerd claims he's got a laser. Maybe give him like a little laser thing. He shines on it. And then he just claims. Just a laser pointer, I'd buy it, yeah. Yeah, look at the refraction. Based on that, the compression from the refraction of the laser, that's between 800, 850 pounds. There, there you go. Done. I would have bought that for sure.

I would have made fun of it, but in the fiction of the universe, I would have said that was really good. That's a good note to send them through time, I think. That's the kind of thing you give your nerd to do, because in this episode, they're going to struggle a little bit. I don't know. They may have written him out of the show because they never quite figured out how to integrate a nerd into this universe, but we'll get to it. Yeah.

There's a moment here I really love where after they look at the trap and they're like, wow, it's a Bigfoot trap. We're in pursuit of a real Bigfoot. They all just kind of understand that the foot is enough. Did I say trap? I might have said. I might have meant footprint. I might be losing my mind. But basically, they see the footprint. They're like, OK, cool. Let's call it a day. And they all just know that, yeah, let's go home.

They just give up the hunt. Definitely no need to follow that track to see if there's more and if maybe those lead to a den or something or to a Sasquatch. Maybe the Bushman is standing 47 feet away by a rock watching us do this. No, they found the track, the one thing that they needed to do, and now it's time to move on to the next step. Yep.

It's trap time. So Todd claims he builds big crazy traps for big crazy monsters. And he's there with the nerd and the rookie. He's got an idea for a trap, a cylinder snare trap, he calls it. It's a grain silo. With coil wires that, like, they grab you when you go in. This is probably the funniest moment of the show. Do you know what I'm talking about, Jason?

Well, for one thing, they meet around, there's like a series of storage containers that I don't know what the fiction of, is it supposed to be theirs? Is that their trap building junk?

facility, but they're all there and you immediately realize because their Todd is their Willie. He's got like a salt and pepper beard. He's like very... claims he's like an air force mechanic or whatever right but he has willy's kind of common sense on the builder guy then they've gotten levi the nerd and then ret the rookie and you realize that the whole thing with mountain monsters is that the re because they don't have wild bill on their trap team their wild bill is actually their tracker

The whole reason Mountain Monsters has Wild Bill do chainsaw shenanigans is because the trap building sequences would be very low energy and boring otherwise, because these traps are never that interesting too. think about or watch being made so wild bill is always consciously seriously trying to like bring energy to those segments and they turn him loose to do some sort of slapstick to nearly die he will fall out of a tree

Like, he gives himself to, like, hey, I realize this thing we're building is idiotic. It's made out of scrap wood and some stuff, but I could die. Don't look away.

I could die at any second, so you'd better watch. And it brings energy to the show. An episode of Mountain Monsters does not really start until the trap team in Wild Bill shows up. That's when it gets real stupid. Up to that point, it's just been... a bunch of bigfoot wikipedia stuff they've talked to a witness and then done their night thing and then boom trap the trap stuff and watching wild bill dance around with a chainsaw now we've got a tv show this show does not have that

It has three normal boring guys discussing building a trap out of junk, and it just emphasizes how much of how nothing this is. Yeah. The funny part to me was...

Because like you say, there's no wild bill. There's no drama. So they tried to manufacture that with like this big reveal. So he's like, ah, I'm going to build a cylinder snare trap. So I need like a grain silo. And he like, his eyeline like moves. Two inches to the right. And he goes, oh, look, a sideways grain silo nine feet in front of us. Jackpot. It is so fucking funny. Like the cameraman just turns and there is exactly what he was looking for.

Why did he think that was so much better than, Hey, we're here at our junk pile. We were looking around for something to use and we thought this cylinder would be good. So what we're going to do is we're going to set it up right. Brace it like that's just as admirable that you started with. OK, what do we have?

And Steph's like, no, purely it was revealed to me in a dream that we should use a cylinder in a full week. There's one right here. Oh, my goodness. In plain sight the entire time I was talking. shouts the guy goes that's the holy grail like and they sprint over to it's such a weird moment that they thought no no we've got to pretend like this was luck it's like well no

It's less impressive if you just happened to, because if that hadn't been there, you would have been screwed. Just admit that you started with that and worked backwards. That's totally reasonable. It's an insane decision, one of many. They sort of talk about Levi here, the sort of elephant in the room. They're like, you wouldn't think Levi would fit in with us as a fucking nerd, but we need his tech help.

And he brings out his drone. He explains it's a quad rotor. He explains what that means. Now, what that means is it has four rotors and it goes in every direction. Now, Levi lists. Each of the directions is fucking... Fuck Levi. He's the worst third grade teacher in all of Alaska. And they're just like... Well, these guys have to, because they're mountain folk, they have to react to this very common hobby drone that at the time you could have bought at any Radio Shack.

This 2014, these things were everywhere even back then. They have to react to it like, what? like he's brought out a cyborg or something like he's brought out a ufo it's like what is that he's like well now there's a thing you can clip a camera to it and then this camera feeds it to our phones like By what wizardry is this? Another great decision.

Anyway, the drone goes up and they find a Bigfoot teepee like instantly. Like all they needed to do is just go up 20 feet and find out, oh, yeah, there's Bigfoot teepee right next door. So we know what that means. It's either territory, a map. Or a burial ground. A fish locator. Ceremony. Ceremonial. Ceremony.

Yeah. But now, in this case, they do not find three sticks leaning on each other. They find a big pyramid mound of logs, of dozens of dead logs. Now, did you recognize this? Because they didn't make that. Did you? I don't know what it could be. Okay. In forest, the people manage wildfires. They'll go through and clear up a lot of fallen logs and stuff and pile them up and like that.

And then they leave them at when the first snow comes, they'll do a controlled burn of those pyramids. And that's how they clear stuff. That's the forest management service. So when he says like, well, there's another one over there.

Yeah, if you go to, like, if you do a trip to Colorado or whatever, and there are woods in the mountains, you'll see those mounds of logs everywhere, and they're just waiting to burn them. Which, again, that's fine, because at least there is storytelling structure here. nerd has the drone let's fly the drone oh we're looking across all the forest oh here's the scanning zone twenty two well what's that it's a big it's a bigfoot marker whatever

Let's go investigate it on foot. One thing leads to the next. It's got a structure to it. They improvised like, hey, this strange... The formation of logs, that's something a Bigfoot does. If they had that drone flying over them just all the time, they would have hours and hours of footage of Bigfoot attacking them with logs. That's true.

Now, here they decide they need to retrieve the drone. And they decide now's the chance to have face do some wild bill physical comedy shenanigans. And it made me so angry I had to pause it and just go walk around the house for a while. Yep. Yeah. Because he does the thing where he falls down in a very wacky way. Because you don't need to catch a drone out of the sky. They just blame themselves. This is not... Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about it.

God, what does Face say? He says, Bushman, he's incredibly strong. He might even be. Hell, he could get a job doing arm wrestling somewhere, you know? That would be the quote of the... We're probably not going to do the quote of the week, but that would be mine. But with the caveat, I fucking hated it. So he's going for a Wild Bill thing, obviously, and it sucks. It's a man with no personality trying to be a man with big personality.

And he is like landed on six year old middle child, just stupid as shit. Trying to talk like he thinks grownups talk. I hate him. Jason's right. You just got to leave the show and walk around sometimes when he does some antics. So there's no tire tracks leading out to these very ordinary piles of logs. So they've decided it has to be the Bushman, which is what they're calling the Central Alaska Bigfoot now.

They go back to the Trap Boys for a second. Nothing really happens because there's no Wild Bill. Then they go to the next eyewitness, Eugene Homesteader. And he is fully just in the woods. They found him with an exclamation point over his head. three miles from anywhere and three guys i think is a little bear crusty and face come up to him and they actually say well what are you doing out here he's like i'm waiting for you guys

Like almost says, your producer told me to stand here. What are you talking about? He's very annoyed. Yeah. Like, no, you told me to stand out here in the middle of the woods like a dumbass. You could have come to my house or my trailer, but they didn't want to do that. They wanted me to stand out in the middle of nowhere in the freezing cold. So, yeah, I'm waiting on you.

He has the same sort of storytelling skills as the mountain monster guys where he's just kind of flailing on roller skates. Like he says his dog like growled at something in the woods. And now he realized, well, that's not that fucking weird. So he says, it wasn't a bear growl or a bear bark, like how a dog would normally say the word bear. So it's clearly a Bigfoot. He ran away, says that his dog has different barks for different creatures. And this was a Bigfoot bark.

That is a thing where if you get pinned into that corner during your improv, you look at the camera and say, no, no, no, let me take that again. Take it from the top, yes. I accidentally said that my dog has a special Bigfoot bark that he does, and that's how I know it was a Bigfoot. I didn't realize until I heard that come out of my mouth what that sounded like. But no, they...

that is now canon to the universe of this show. Monster bloopers. But he's doing that thing, too, where he's like, I saw something. It was like a human-y shape. I don't know. I don't know. There's no word for it. He just will not say the word Bigfoot to the Bigfoot hunters. After his dog told him there's a Bigfoot using his dog language. But he's got video. Real quick. Oh, that's right. But before the video, he does say that.

He saw some caribou corpse just torn up by something he's never seen. So again, like this is rough improv because like. A Bigfoot eats his prey, right? He hasn't just strangled them and leave them for dead. That's a whole new crisis. But they just blow over it. Yeah. But yeah, he has a video.

It's a few frames of a guy in a gorilla costume. Yeah. It's maybe the same. I don't know. I would say the same gorilla costume. These are mountain monsters. You can get them anywhere. But it's not anything impressive about it. It's just a tiny figure in the distance.

And it's very brief and they don't show very much of it because it's not a very good costume. Right. It has sort of the stink of effort, though. It's more bold than the Mountain Monsters videos. You can sort of get a good look at it and say, oh, that's a guy in a suit.

off in the distance whereas mountain monsters it's like that might be a like a home alone like stand up on a train track like we don't like it's just a blip of something on mountain monsters yeah sometimes they'll have just a straight up smudge In a trail camera. And it's like, oh, my God. Look at that. Look at the muscles in its hindquarters. It's like, okay. 23 pixels of something in a black and white trail camera from Walmart. Let's not.

They'll find some thigh muscles in those pixels for sure. Thighs like that. I bet he could jump 60, 70 feet. Like, okay, let's. So the trap, the trap is done. They all love it. They go see the trap. Uh, it looks like shit. It looks like someone's trying to, like, crate ship a grain silo. It's just... It looks... There's no Bigfoot in the world that would get in this thing. It's... It's so... It's so trash.

I don't think a Bigfoot would fit. A Shaquille O'Neal could not fit in this thing. Yeah, but it doesn't have to because they realized that just this barrel, this huge barrel framed out with some scrap wood wasn't anything. So they added... Maybe the funniest possible addition to that tread. Okay. Yeah, right. Because they tested the pressure plate and they're like, oh, the pressure plate doesn't work. So what we need to have is someone hiding nearby.

Okay, but what the pressure, it's not just a barrel. The key is they have four heavy duty cables hidden around the exterior. And then once the Bigfoot gets in there and triggers the pressure plate, the cables will pull tight what pulls the cables tight you ask good question they have four winches attached to nearby trees those winches are five thousand pound winches

So what they have created here is the Bigfoot steps into this barrel, falls into it, activates this pressure plate, and then four heavy-duty cables. Have you seen the movie Cube? Where they have all those traps where like this cheese wire comes out and slices people like into four verticals and then they just fall apart. That's what they built here. It is a cylinder that is a cube trap where four winches are going to go.

And slice this Bigfoot into five neat slices that will then just collapse down. Delicious short ribs. Because he specifically says these are 5,000 pound winches with cable that will snap. when he steps on the pressure plate. And that's their trap. So the question of, again, I know that I am beating a dead horse. I know that I see this in every episode of Big Feats, guys. I do. I get it.

The fact that in now at least two different shows, it didn't really come up in UFO Cowboys yet that they don't know what their goal is in the show to capture. document or kill the animal because if you visualize a sasquatch in this barrel with four cables like cutting into its flesh. How, I mean, from there.

Where do you go? What happens next? Because again, if you just run up to it and then shoot it in the head, now that you've got it tied in place, that's not an honorable way to hunt a creature or a man. Probably can't be the plan. They do not have tranquilizers with them. They do not have any means of transporting the creature. Again, even, you know, they don't have a flatbed truck. They don't have anybody they can call to come get it as far as I know.

Even here at the trap building stage, it's not clear what outcome they want. which is a bizarre thing in storytelling to not know what the heroes are trying to do and to the point that no one within the team If you interviewed them each individually and asked them, they clearly do not all have the same, the same idea. Yeah. But they're going to eat good tonight. But as you said, order that Bigfoot.

they test it the pressure plate doesn't work so the nerd failed at his one job that was the only thing he was supposed to do was rig up the switch so they're like that's okay we will have todd their trap guy just hide and we're going to make like a blind with some sticks he will hide nearby with a remote when the bigfoot falls into the thing he will activate the cables that will pull tight and slice the Bigfoot into five neat chunks and then we can each take a piece and eat it.

And that's seriously their plan. I know at some point I started lying, but the part where the plan is for him to hide in the bushes, wait for the Sasquatch to get in the thing, and then push a button and trap it. No animal trap works that way. You would not trust your own like reflexes to do this or being able to see this at night because they are going to do it at night. Plus the keen senses of animals.

it's one of the reasons you don't stand right next to a trap with a button right because they're going to use some caribou parts to lure it in but why would it not prefer the fresh living human being Rather than these rotten dead animal parts, right? Like, why would it not prefer the flash forward that it does? Yes, that's exactly what happens. So now it is time.

not for the night hunt or the final night hunt. It is the midnight hunt that for some reason has to take place exactly at midnight, but this is totally different.

from the night hunt as seen in the hit show Mountain Monsters. Right. There's a part I liked here where Little Bear's kind of doing a little rally, but instead of like... a charging speech he like plays a little flute for everybody and does a long rambling speech about how he's part blackfoot indian and he still does all the ceremonies and the sage and um i know i kind of police

people's ethnicity on the show, but I think if Little Bear did 23andMe, he'd find out he's 95% Sasquatch. But the part that... the part that I want to talk about is I don't even know if he knows he's doing this, but when he starts talking about his Blackfoot heritage, his voice starts like doing like a broken Keanu Reeves accent. Like he's like, yo, we're going to get that Bushman.

Because my people before me are sacred land. You're like, what are you doing, dude? He can't even help. He's just doing Apache Chief. And I don't even know he knows he's doing it. And he does the thing where you're like... wafts the sage smoke around each member of the team and they and they wafted over themselves and the thing is even if that is a genuine part of Little Bear's heritage, and if he, in fact, does have that lineage.

Using that ceremony as part of a fake Bigfoot hunt for a TV show is probably not the proper use of it. I would imagine. It's actually less insulting if he's just making this all up and like, yeah, you know, like doing a Steven Seagal thing where he has mystical powers that he's decided he has.

Yeah, it's incredible. Krusty points out that Bigfoot can see at night and also there's wolves and bears. So this is a really dumb idea to do a midnight hunt. He just wants to reiterate. Even in the fiction of this universe, they know this is fucking stupid. They head out to the teepee. They do not do a pincer movement. They simply all gather in one group.

and then figure they can gather at the one spot and then push it toward the trap. And with their group of however many guys they've got, how many? Are there six of them? Sounds right. Whatever. But there's six guys that they can cover the 600,000 square miles of Alaska to make sure that they are pushing the creature toward.

toward the trap because obviously if the creature doesn't happen to be between them and the trap, this is meaningless. It's just a bunch of guys walking toward a thing. It's just a night hike. Yeah, but no, they figured out the two places that it has been at some point in the past, and they're going to walk from there to there. That's their...

That's their plan. Levi, as the tech nerd, gets the infrared. So he's got Jeff's job. And sure enough, every time they ask him if he has anything, says no. That could mean a lot of things. Bigfoot probably covers himself in mud when he's being hunted. They get to that log pile again, and he declares that the log pile is warm. But there's not a fire in there. They're not to that stage. Bigfoot's rubbing his balls on it. You know that's what he's implying.

Tide goes crawling into the log pile with his knife and pokes his head in between two logs and does that thing. He's like, oh, there's a whole den in here. There's like a bedding area. Nightstand. This is where he charges his Bigfoot phone. Yeah, a bunch of... You got a ceremonial crystal in here and a time portal because it's clear. Because obviously it would be very funny if the cameraman was like, well, that sounds amazing. Let me poke my camera in there. It's like, well.

No, it's pornography. A lot of Bigfoot pornography in there. He's put a device here that will scramble any signals you tried to transmit from... He's clearly just stuck his head into a pile of logs and stuck a flashlight in there. It's great. He kind of like chickens out of that, too. He's like, I think I see a bed. Might be a bed. Kind of like a bed. Looks like something might have made like a nest or something. And then I think Bigfoot attacks now.

Well, we get the generic lion sound effect that interrupts. Like, hey, let's rope this off and get documentation and get photos. And this is a Bigfoot house.

This is the scientists all over the world will want to come and document this in person. Let's preserve it. But instead, they get the generic roar sound effect. And this here, at this point in the episode, was the first time I saw the weapon. the little bear was carrying. I don't even think I noticed. It is a revolver with a 14-inch long barrel. Yeah. He's got the fucking dirty Harry Python. It is.

Again, I cannot emphasize that some of you out there have never been hunting before. If you go on a hunting trip with a bunch of guys and you pull out a Dirty Harry .357 Magnum with a 14-inch long barrel, If you think I'm exaggerating the length of the barrel, I am not. It is 14 inches if it's one. It's comically large. It's like a joke gun. It's something you would pull out in a comedy sketch to make fun of a gun guy.

You pull that out to go hunt a creature with it, they will immediately, one, assume they're being pranked, and two, will not let you hunt with them. That is not a thing that anyone does. I love it. I didn't even have that in my notes. I saw that and it just fit him. You make it sound ridiculous, but for me, I was like, yeah, that's...

That's what he would use. Because again, he's just got like 700 accessories on. So to have a ridiculous gun is like, yes. He's like an old crafty lady that makes like... a lot of loud personality choices and that's that just felt like one of them yeah his entire outfit is the equivalent of a 14 inch long barrel on a gun like it's too much

But it's not there to blend into the crowd. It is there to stand out. So they're going to go rushing to their golf cart. and face in a Wild Bill voice is going to yell, Yabba-dabba-doo, Bushman! This is when I had to walk away. Yeah, well, I physically attacked my TV, so I damaged it, and I had to come back the next day and repair it before I could finish watching the episode. Yabba-dabba-doo.

Bitch, did you scream yabba dabba doo during a Bigfoot fight? I'll fucking... He knows he's wrong for that. He should have stopped and said, please edit that out. Just... I... I got too excited. I haven't found this character yet. Fucking yabba-dabba-doo. Also, it's 0141 hours, which means... It took them 101 minutes to walk from their car to the teepee and find a Bigfoot. Amazing. Amazing time.

So they arrive at the sawmill, right? That's the stack of logs they show up at. They're back at the sawmill here. I think so.

and they do a whole thing where they claim they can smell him like they like he was just here and then they hear a noise among the logs and they ask levi if he has anything on infrared and he again says no I would say Krusty suggests it should be easier to find a 10-foot monster. He's like looking around. He's like, it should be easier to see a 10-foot monster. And I thought it was interesting that they didn't have an effect for the infrared of like a...

Because to do a Bigfoot in infrared, you just have to have a guy. You just have one of your crew go out there because you don't know the scale, so you just need a humanoid figure out there. They never did that. Every time they keep going back to the infrared, it's like, yeah, I got nothing. And they have to act like it's amazing that they don't have anything. So at this point, they tell Todd, who it turns out is with them, oh, you need to go up.

to the trap and hide because we think he's heading toward the trap. I thought Todd was waiting at the trap. This is, as a plan, insane. Because why would you think you could beat Bigfoot? Because he's going on foot. Why would you think you could beat Sasquatch to the trap? It's insane. And it just gets dumber because... Like they send Todd back to the trap and now they've decided he got past his Bigfoot's gone. This is so weird that I truly don't get it.

Because they're looking for a big fit at the logs. They figured out he's not there, but that he was. They're like, he's heading toward the trap. Quick, Todd, go get in position. Todd does this.

runs gets in his blind got his remote he's there with the cameraman acknowledges the cameraman like hey all right listen all right get in here all right so here we are we're at the finale the rest of the team continues searching the sawmill bigfoot the bushman is not there as we've already established and then they declare the hunt over as if they forgot about the trap and todd so

They start walking away and they start saying stuff to each other. Like, like face says, well, you can't win them all. It ain't our first defeat. which you don't need to put that in the show. Like, yeah, we've been failing at this for years and years. This is how it always happens. And we keep cutting back to Todd, who now is hearing Bigfoot sounds.

And because that's why he's there. Yes, this was the plan. You are specifically there to activate the Bigfoot trap because you believe a Bigfoot is heading toward the trap. And he's in like, do you hear that? I think there's something out there. Yeah, a goddamn Bigfoot. You are a Bigfoot hunting crew. You built a Bigfoot trap. You are waiting at the Bigfoot trap. With a Bigfoot trap remote in your hand, did you all...

It's like they all have brain damage or something. So they keep cutting back. I thought about this so much. Yeah, you're right. They keep cutting back. Back and forth, trying to build dramatic tension between Todd like, he's right outside. And then cutting to the rest of the team who... over and over and over again say, well, now you know you can't win them all. Sometimes they get right past you. And Levi says, well, you know, you can't win all the time. And Krusty says,

Well, he gave us the slip. He's a slippery character. Sometimes you can't win. What are you talking about? Winning isn't an always thing. And they do this over and over. Yeah. And I feel like that's... That's why the plot fell apart is because they're like, this is going to be amazing. We're going to trick the audience into thinking it's over. We're going to do this very casually by just constantly rewording how it's over. Each of us will do it seven times. We'll just keep going in a circle.

Just however you want to put it. And yeah, meanwhile, Todd should be safe because it's over, right? But I don't know. I was so frustrated by how stupid this was. the bigfoot attacks is blind and so they start heading back toward todd not to see if he has a bigfoot in his trap but they're like well we'll go compare notes and see because they just assume

that nothing has happened over at the trap for no reason. They didn't get like an all clear from him. They're just casually heading that direction. Meanwhile, Todd is now actively running from the Bigfoot because they did the thing where They hear it roar and it pulled the branches away, but they didn't manage to capture it on camera, but he's running. And then they all come together and start exchanging notes. and we see the cameraman that was with todd and they say that-that

And Todd improvises that maybe he heard even a second Bushman that they immediately dismissed because like, no, no, no, we're not doing that. And the cameraman, they say the cameraman is so freaked out that he wants to leave Alaska. Yeah. Which is an extremely funny sentence that he is so scared by the Bushman that he does not feel... You got punched by a Bigfoot and didn't get a pixel of it in frame. Get the fuck out of Alaska. Get the fuck out of this industry. Yeah, you... Sorry to interrupt.

You are in the wrong line of work. I wouldn't trust this guy to push a mop. I need to leave this landmass because I came close to one of the millions of wild animals that live in Alaska. Bigfoot is not the most dangerous thing. If that had been several wolves, you would be dead. Like, you're lucky it was the bush.

man because all he did was grab some branches and and you know i think threw a tree at them or something i think they they did that thing where it's like i threw a threw a log at us yeah uh and then face says Well, that Bushman could have squished his damn head like a peanut. Like, okay. You know how you squish a peanut. You know, you get a peanut, you're going to eat it. You squish it, you know, how peanuts squish.

Absolutely. I like to make just a little handful of peanut butter when I'm eating peanuts. It's better that way. Yeah, Wild Bill does miss with his phrases. Wild Bill is constantly making up his own idioms, but his have a whimsy to them, like a country insanity. There's a world where...

things Wild Bill says make sense. Like, crush him like a peanut is... So, they go to the trap and they say that it looks like the Bigfoot... grabbed it or something they find a footprint and of course they're amazed to find a footprint there um but then so and literally one of them says we were just minutes behind him

But it's like, oh, okay, so the hunt is still on. You're closer to him now than you were when you started. Like he's somewhere around here. You have an infrared camera. You have a team of trackers and shotguns. get him back toward the trap somehow. I think it's 2.32 is the time. So their Bigfoot hunt lasted two and a half hours and that's it.

Uh, so, but they, instead, they do their failure huddle and, uh, Krusty says, we're not going to let this deter us. Uh, we're going to go back. We're coming up with a new plan. We're going to bleep with this Bush man, just like he bleeped with us. And you can insert whatever you want in there. And then they're in their failure. They make face do a comedy bit. And he says, well, you know, this Bush man, he stinks.

That's saying to Todd, but not half as bad as your pants when he got down there. I didn't even put that in my notes. And as they're walking away, they're talking trash to the Bushman the way scientists do. And Little Bear says, we're going to put a bumper in your thumper. Okay. I personally feel like that was the moment that they decided they were going to fire Little Bear from the show after that season. So I was like, yeah, that's...

It's amazing they kept Face, though, because Face's catchphrase at the end was, If you mess with Alaskans, then he stalls out for much longer than you'd think. Gonna pay! That's his catchphrase. If you mess with Alaskans, seven minute pause, gonna pay. And I get it. This was the pilot episode. This was their first time out. They were feeling it out. They, of course, do not ever do a second hunt of the Bushman. All of that talk about how we're going to regroup and come right back.

i don't know if they thought they were going to do a part two or if they figured somewhere down the line they would do one but they didn't through the two seasons alaska monsters only lasted I think 14 episodes, I think they did a six episode season and then season two, I think was eight. And then as I mentioned that in season two, they switch up the cast for whatever reason, maybe. Little Bear maybe got cast in a Marvel movie and they couldn't.

They couldn't match that salary. So the question, like we watched these spinoffs to kind of see are they worthy shows to cover if Brockway comes back, when Brockway comes back. And if we run out of Mountain Monsters episodes, if they cannot make them faster than we can cover them, are these good shows to watch and talk about? I say yes, because...

While I was doing some other work and getting my notes together, I let this play on my TV. It just auto plays, you know, as a streaming service and looked up at some episode far down the line. And they were talking about how in the trap they were building the. floor of the trap would be covered in nails and the nails would be coated with tranquilizer? I can just leave that in the woods.

Yeah, just leave that in the woods. And I would love to sit down and actually list how many laws that would be breaking to make a man sized, to leave an unattended man sized trap in the woods where the bottom of it is covered in. spikes coated in tranquilizer. Alaska's not some nanny state. You can leave a deadly drug nail bed out in the woods. So I guess the point I'm making is this show does seem to get to a level of insanity that makes it worth it. There are some...

There are so many things that clearly don't work. I think it would be fascinating to see them try and evolve. I do find myself not siding with it. I side with Mountain Monsters a lot. I try to be generous with Mountain Monsters because I appreciate it and I have fun with it. Whereas this is such a knockoff.

It's so phony in a bad way. Face's whole character is just really inauthentic. There's something I like to hate about that, but there's nothing I like to like about that. It's a fascinating show. I can tell you the difference right now. Mountain monsters, however it came together, has always felt like a group of six guys who just got together and decided to do this.

and they talked a production company into doing it and then somehow sold a streaming service on carrying it like it absolutely seems like a bunch of dudes who just figured this out threw it together but it was their thing it was not something like where you know a record company puts a boy band together and creates it for it's like it was its own organic thing

So when they try to recreate it from the top down and they are casting these parts, and these are parts were cast. They have the nerd. They have the grizzled tough guy. They have whatever. The tracker, the wild bill guy, the tracker, and on and on. And they've all got the look. The Mountain Monsters guys just look like that.

This show, they picked out people that had a look just as in UFO Cowboys. They look for like a porn version of Mountain Monsters. And it just feels very artificial. They don't feel natural when talking to each other, when interacting with each other. It's not the same. It's not the same because it's the difference between something that kind of happened organically, or at least I've got the impression that it did, and something that you're trying to force to happen.

It's like that old comparison between Nirvana and Menudo. This is like... Similar in a lot of ways. One is very inauthentic. But I also think that, like, Mountain Monster starts with... The Trapper, John Trapper Tice, being just a BS artist, like a guy who could just say stuff with a straight face that isn't true and can tell stories and can just make up things on the fly and that it all started with him.

I don't know. This is a little bit more, it's more slick. It's more planned. They've got, I don't know, but I, I would be eager to see where it goes because it is its own. It is its own unique bad thing. Yeah. I like they add new bad elements to it. And if we were doing a favorite quote of the episode, I would just have to go with... We're going to put a bumper in your thumper. That's pretty good. Let's see. Let me go through my notes and see if I...

No, I hated all these. I hated all these. I kind of liked that whole shit. We already talked about the shit interaction. If it was me, you'd know it. That was a pretty good line, but it requires a lot of context to get there. I'll just go with the one that Face goes out on where if you mess with Alaskans, gonna pay!