Hello and welcome to Big Gay Energy. I'm Caitlin. And I'm Fiora. Come along with us while we dive into the fun and nuances of queer media. Representation matters. And we're here to talk about it. Cheers, queers. Today on the big agenda, we are talking to Edgar Gomez, the author of the new memoir Alligator Tears. Welcome to the podcast, Edgar. Hi, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, we're really excited to talk to you today. Like, thank you for sending us a
copy of your latest memoir. We appreciate it for our listeners at home who may not know what is your novel about? And so it is a memoir, and it's called The Alligator Tears.
And it is about growing up in Florida, really poor in the early 2000s, and really believing in the American Dream and trying to claw my family out of poverty by basically any means possible, only to gradually realize that the American Dream doesn't always work out like we might want it to, and trying to figure out what to do then. Yeah. And what inspired you to write
this now? Yeah, so I, I've been wanting to write about some of my experiences growing up poor in Florida for a while now, just because I had these like, scenes in my head, these moments in my life that I was like, I can't believe that happened. Or I, I had so many questions about stuff that had happened in my childhood. And so I know that I wanted to write about like that time that
my family lived in a motel. I knew that I wanted to write about, you know, my father's struggles with addiction and how that impacted my family, me and my mom and my brother. But I, I sort of, I didn't know what I wanted the message of the book to be. And so I was kind of sitting around waiting for that. You know, I was like, I have these moments I want to write about, but what what do I want
the book to say? Because I didn't just want to write about being poor for like the sake of writing a confessional, you know, I wanted to be able to offer something a little bit useful to a reader. And basically, yeah. In the in the pandemic, the start of the pandemic and I was basically just seeing so many people in my community. I was living in Queens at the time. So many people around me who are basically just being like
discarded by the government. And they were people that reminded me of my family, of my mom, People who had basically worked their whole lives believing in the American dream. And the idea that if you just work really hard and, you know, stay humble and don't make a fuss and don't complain, you're going to be able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps
one day. But seeing so many people in my community basically being marched, like, sent off to their Duff, you know, I started questioning the American dream and who benefits most from it, where, where that came from. And I think that's when I sort of started figuring out what I wanted the book to say. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, pandemic projects make
sense. It made us really reflect on what have we been doing this whole time and just it made some realities really stark and hard to like ignore when all the hustle and bustle kind of like stopped. Yeah, I mean, I you really also didn't have a choice. Like where I was. I was in a tiny apartment just like staring up at the ceiling everyday, reflecting, even if I didn't want to be doing that. So yeah, I guess it it was a pandemic project at first. Like what else are you going to
do? Did you? Break bread, also in the pandemic. No, you know, I didn't learn anything useful. Like I didn't learn a language. I didn't learn how to make sourdough. I was just really depressed. And then I was like, I'm going to write a book. Relatable. I just started doing edits on YouTube. I was like something creative. Please escape. Yeah, yeah, I I thought time I was really depending on Drag Race.
I was like, I need like something to like beam positivity at me. So one of the aspects I like about the book is because you do handle a lot of really, you know, difficult topics and handle them really beautifully. But also throughout the book, there's a good deal of humor, Scrat scattered throughout the novel. So how did you approach finding a balance between the gravity of reality that you were talking about and like the levity of comedy when you were putting the memoir together?
I feel like that balance is just like the natural way of like being of like, that's just what I know. That's how my mom raised me. You know, whenever there's like something dark or you know is happening or something tough is happening, you can like laugh your way through it somehow. And I think part of it might be because my mom just like has
dealt with a lot in her life. And when you've had a lot of, I guess, really traumatic experiences, you, you're, you're, I don't, I don't think you need to have traumatic experiences to appreciate life. But I think, but I think that was her case and I think a little bit my case as well, where you kind of learn to just shrug off the little things and learn to laugh at everything. And so that's just my, my
natural way of being. I don't know any other way to be. I love that because like, even if you're like, upset about something, we're like, yeah, but at least I'm not there anymore. Like I've grown so much, and like it could always be worse. Yeah, it could always be worse. And sometimes, sometimes when like so many bad things are happening, it just starts to feel so ridiculous and absurd.
It's like when you're having a really bad day and it's just like a bad thing happens, a bad thing by the end of yours. Like, you know, what else are you going to throw at me, universe? And I think I'm just in that mindset all the time now. Just like, OK, something horrible. Cool, I guess material for the next book. I mean, that is a good way to look at it. It's like everything is material. Well, I used to be like that a
little bit more. In fact, when I like first started writing nonfiction, writing memoir, I was an undergrad at UCF, University of Central Florida, shout out. And I took this creative writing class that was like intro to creative writing. And it was you write 1 short story, one poem and one personal essay. And by the time like I wrote a poem and it was like, was bad. I wrote a short story. It was like not good either. And then it was time to write the personal essay.
And at this point in my life, I was like 22 years old, something like that. And I had a lot of shame about being queer. I had a lot of fear around queerness. But there was this gay bath house in Orlando that I really wanted to go to, but there was just something holding me back from going there. You know, I was like, I don't want to be that kind of gay person who goes to a gay bath house.
But when I was in this class and they're like, OK, time to write a personal essay, I was like, OK, this is my opportunity to go to the bath house and treat it like, you know, I'm an investigative reporter. And I wrote about it and I turned it into the to my workshop. And I was super freaked out. I was like, Oh my God, like, what are they going to think about me? And they were really nice and supportive. And I was like, I don't know. I was so blown away that I kept
writing after that. But all that to say that, yeah, I, I used to be more like, yeah, I'll do anything for the plot. Now that I'm older, I'm like, I'm too lazy for that. And there's just, there's also just enough plot going around and happening all the time. I'm overwhelmed by plot that I don't need to go like find it. As you get older, yeah, like it just comes to you. You're like hide. Yeah, basically. And I'm also, like, done writing memoir for a minute. This is my second memoir.
I'm like, so sick of myself. I'm not writing about myself, you know, I want to write, you know, gaze in space or like something, something. You know what? Yes, please do that. OK. That sounds awesome. Yeah, gave in space and there will be no homophobia there because I'm so sick of writing about homophobia too. That is fair. We're all sick of homophobia. Yeah, yeah, In space, people are are heterophobic. Yeah, that's. Gonna. Be. Yeah. Give me that novel.
Yeah, flip the script. Did you ever watch this movie? It's like this old logo movie thing called like, if that's the world, we're mine. We're the world. Mine. We're the world. Mine. Yeah. It's so good. I love. The I. Used to that movie. Yeah. It's really. But it's kind of that. Yeah.
I used to love all those, like, when I was, like, in high school and, like, desperate for, like, gay content, just like the logo movie of the week, you know, or like, whatever thing you could find on YouTube typing and like, yeah, gay movie, yeah. But back to your memoir, the way you write is very captivating and I just kept wanting to read more and felt very engaged in the book and your memoir. Each chapter is broken up into smaller short stories. Why did you choose that format
for it? For a couple of different reasons, I'll say one of the biggest ones is that, yeah, each chap, it's a, it's a memoir and there's there's a story that you follow throughout the whole book, but each chapter is like it's own almost like an episode. And you're not necessarily going to see like they're all like stand alone episodes that like you're not necessarily going to see every character throughout
the whole book. And I'm kind of drawn to that kind of writing because AI can get very bored writing a story and I'm like, or, or just like might need a break writing a story. And I'm like, I like to be able to jump around. I like the idea of of books that feel episodic in nature because you can read a a chapter, set it down, pick it up a week later, read another one and it doesn't feel like you have that pressure to like be through it right
away. And it also, I think gives me a little bit of freedom to just really jump around with like, OK, this story, all I really care about is this being a really funny story. This story, you know, it's going to be a little bit more romantic. This story like I, I feel like I can have like a ROM com. I can have like a scary chapter. I can, I can really, like, play an experiment with my voice and with tone a lot easier. So yeah, I'm drawn to that kind of writing, yeah.
We can't hear you, sorry. I said it's like real life where the tone changes constantly. Perfect for a memoir. In your novel, one of the phrases you wrote that stuck with me is you described poverty as quote, cartoonishly inescapable, which that really stuck with me. It's such a good descriptor, especially just living in America. So in your experience, how did this reality of like, poverty impact the pursuit of the
American dream? You mentioned it a little bit at the beginning, but like that cartoonishly inescapable part specifically. Yeah. I mean, I think in that moment I was referencing how when I was young, there was when I was I think in like middle school or something. I remember being like asking my mom, I was like, like, can we go to the library? It's like like a sweet, innocent ass. And she was like, no, because I caught.
It's like I don't have the gas to get there and I was like, wow, we like really are so poor that we can't even drive somewhere free to get something for free. I was like, that's why I was like this does feel cartoonish at this point, but I I don't know how it like growing up for doesn't impact basically everything about you. I feel like I'm still in like, this like survival mindset where I'm like, you know, I'm doing a lot better.
You know, I have a stable job. Everything is, like, cute at the moment. But every now and then I'm like, yeah, I can't. I like, I spent $50 today. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm still in that like, survival mode, but related to the American dream. I think my American dream was, yeah, you're going to work really hard and you're going to do whatever you have to do to be rich one day.
And rich for me represented having enough money that I could basically get my mom a really nice house and, you know, pay off all our like, medical debt and help out my community. And I, I was working really hard to, to get there.
And I think because of growing up poor, I was just so focused on that dream and on that pursuit that I didn't, I, I, I didn't have the opportunity or the time really to stop and look around at the systems around me that we're really making it cartoonishly inescapable to escape poverty.
Because I think that if at any point I had looked at, I hadn't like looked at any other of the other people in my community who's like sort of footsteps I was following, like, for the most part, nobody was getting this, you know, American Dream. I really in my community, I was seeing a lot of people work
really, really hard. And in one way or another, they were telling themselves, you know, I'm out, have time to stop and rest and be happy later, either when I can retire or, you know, oh, when I, you know, save enough to go back to Nicaragua. Or also on a spiritual level, you know, when I, you know, die, I don't know, go to heaven and I'll, you know, have salvation
there. But I was just seeing a lot of people postpone their happiness for later because of this American dream that they believed in. And I, I was really doing the same thing. I was just working, working, working and hoping that one day would lead somewhere. And it was until the pandemic that, you know, it was like a break on everybody's life that I had that time. And yeah, that's when I feel like I started to, to wake up to the scam of the American Dream.
And I started to ask myself, who's benefiting most from this idea that we should all be working really hard and keeping our heads low and not making a fuss? Who's benefiting from that, right? And it's it's definitely not anybody I know. That's fair. Yeah, no. I'm like bleak. No, it's. True. No, no, you're. You're being real. That is what's spot on. It's exactly. And that's, that's a really good thing about your book. I mean, because it's, it's your
own story. Like these are your experiences. It's real. And it's people need to see how other people grow up because not everyone knows like your community and like, it's just different experiences. And I love that you chose to share that with everyone. And to write this memoir and your previous one, you have to do a lot of self reflection and live in the past a lot. So did that and also like learn more.
I don't know if you've like went around asking people about like what they remember to piece some stuff together, but what did you learn about yourself or did anything part of your childhood heal maybe? Yeah, I think, you know, that was one of the I was having this like existential crisis in the in the pandemic again or at the beginning of it, because I was writing my first book at that time. And I was like I said, I was working so hard.
And in my mind I was like, your book is like the writing is the one thing you're like talented at. This is going to be your ticket out. This is going to be the thing that finally makes you rich. This before I realized how much writers get paid. No, but I was having this like, kind of existential crisis where I was like, you're spending so much of your life, of your actual life, sitting down at a dusk writing about your life.
And there was kind of something like Earl Burrow, like snake eating his own head about it. Where I was like, is this like, is this like an OK thing to be doing? Like this can't be OK. Like I, I need to be out having a life. Like, why am I spending so much of my life writing about my life?
That's doesn't seem like right. And the way that I sort of resolved that crisis for myself was by asking, you know, am I getting anything from this, even if this never gets published, Like, am I, is writing the story still helping me in any way? Am I growing? Am I learning anything? And I think you can't help but learn something about yourself. You're writing a memoir. You know, it's very easy to start, You know, identifying patterns. You know, you start. Really, you know, taking apart a
different relationships you had. I think though I write memoir, I, my stories can sometimes read a little bit like fiction in that, you know, I like scenes and dialogue and really putting the reader in my shoes. And I, I've really learned a lot from taking fiction classes. A lot of things that I've applied to my nonfiction that has also helped me in my life.
For example, when I'm writing about other characters, especially characters that maybe did something, you know, behave badly towards me, I still want them to come across as realistic on the page. I, I, I'm not out to like make anybody look like a villain. And in that effort to to write like a fully human character, I have to ask questions like, you know, let's say I'm writing about my mom. I have to ask myself, like, why was she acting that way? You know, what was her motivation?
What were the stakes of like, why was this so urgent for her? And through asking those questions of different characters in my book, like, I also can't help but learn things about my life. And there's no way that that doesn't, you know, impact my relationships, you know, going forward in one way. Like writing the both of these books has been my attempt at, you know, also just healing my relationships with my family because, yeah, both books deal
with my family and I've. And I've had to ask myself some tough, tough questions about them. And I've also had to speak with them, like you said. And, you know, I, I never believe that, you know, getting these answers, you know, figuring out why they behave they did. I never believe that that
justifies their behavior. But it, it does give me valuable context that kind of gives me a little bit of peace in a way, because once I have like a reason why people are behaving the way they are, at least that's sort of like there's a rationality behind it. When I don't have that, it just feels like chaos and just like, oh, everybody was just acting wild for no reason like that. I don't want to live in that
world. Like, I at least there's a little bit of order, even if the answer kind of sucks, even if the answer's like, oh, because they grew up in a homophobic, you know, culture. I'm like, OK, well, at least I have an answer. Yeah. At least you know something. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. What, when you're writing this, this particular memoir, was there a particular chapter or scene that was emotionally difficult to write but felt essential to include in the story?
Yes, yeah. The chapter that felt just most, I guess, emotionally urgent is the titular chapter. It's called Alligator Tears and it's about the Post nightclub shooting in Orlando, which is something that I've written about before and I wrote about it in my first book. But in my first book, I I was trying to answer different questions for myself back then. Back then I was just trying to figure out, you know, why did this happen?
Why did a man step into Pulse and kill 49 predominantly Latin X people on Latin night? And that is an example of like, I really had to do a lot of research and I had to, you know, try to figure out what his motivation was. And that chapter focuses a lot on on the shooter. This time around. I was like, I don't, I barely want to talk about this man. Like, I want to focus on what it was like to be at Pulse in community with the people who were going there every Latin night.
I wanted it to be more of a celebratory chapter. And I wanted to sort of capture what it was like for me to go to polls at a time where I was struggling with a lot, a lot of shame around being queer and just being welcomed and, and feeling at home there. And so I sort of wanted to go
the complete opposite route. And that's why I, I felt very urgent that like, I don't think I did a mistake with my first book, but I felt like I did need to also celebrate that space and remember it that way because there's already, there's so many sad stories that I've also contributed to. And I was like, right now I just, I just need to remember, you know, being happy at this club, you know, dancing with
like some hot Puerto Rican dude. And I capture that a little bit because I think people need that too. Yeah, I will say that is the chapter that stuck with me the most. Like, as a fellow queer that grew up clubbing in Central Florida, I really, really appreciated how you handled that chapter about Pulse because it was a safe haven for so many queer people at the time.
And I have a lot of fond memories of going to Pulse, so I appreciate you describing it that way rather than the tragedy, which is like what most people would associate it with that aren't in Orlando or like never really went to Pulse. And then in the not in the in your book, you also mentioned like other queer spaces at the time that existed in Orlando. So in this, in the spirit of celebrating, I want to know which of the Orlando gay bars was your favorite and why?
OK. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you ever went to Parliament Health. And so I would say both post and Parliament were my favorite, but for different reasons. Like yes, they're different, Post very different. And. They were post was like, you know, you. It was a little bit cuter, a little more like stylized, like kind of gave like a South Beach aesthetic. Inside. They had like white couches and
it was a little bit more. I wouldn't say it was like posh in any way, but compared to Parliament House, it was. Parliament House was like, you know, everything in Orlando is a theme park basically like like, like even going to McDonald's. Like we have the world's largest McDonald's, the world's largest checkers. Like everything is like to the extreme. And Parliament House is like that in that it had a, it was, it used to be a resort for
straight people in like the 50s. And so it has like a private beach and motels. And, you know, in an alternate universe, this is like there'd be such a good like White Lotus station at the Parliament House, right? And it had like a theater, It had a restaurant, it had a gift shop. It was like a whole thing and but, but it was really known for being the messy bar. Yes, and especially because it had motels attached.
And yeah, I, I, I always loved going there like on Christmas because I like, I knew it would always be open and they would always go out of their way to like, even though it was messy, it was like yours family there. Like they would give out food. You know, the, I, like I knew the drag Queens there also the drag Queens there were some of the top drag Queens in the
country. We had a Sony glove who won drag race, Jasmine, Barbie Royale who won miss like international, like only iconic performers there. But Parliament is where I went the day, the morning after I found out about the Post nightclub shooting. And, and I went there because I knew it would be open. And so there's something about just, you know, the fact that I, I, I, I could always depend on on Parliament House, even if it was really messy there, I always knew that they would take me.
Yeah, that's a valid, very valid sentiment. And that's like all the bar are all the kind of gay clubs in Orlando kind of had their own personality, like you're saying, but like there was something about them that felt like home, even though they were all messy in their own right. Yeah, yeah, I miss Parliament. Yeah, it closed, but they're reopening it, supposedly. They've been saying that it's
supposed to reopen downtown. And I think it's going to be a new thing without, without all the feminists that made it what it was. Yeah. And Parliament House was also my first, I I think it was my first gay bar that I like, ever went to. Oh, wow. Because they had a big outdoor courtyard that you could kind of just sneak into. So I think I had those, like, war memories because of that,
too. Yeah. OK, this conversation just shows how much that spaces like this are needed because look how much you 2 just bonded over these places and having it be dependable for you, especially when your life was like so you don't really know what's going to happen having that place where you know you can go and you should be safe. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, it was like, my, my cheers, you know, like that TV shows like where everyone knows your name.
Yeah, I just gay bars in Florida are just like a whole other, you know, thing. And it's like especially chaotic because drinks in Florida are so cheap, at least compared to New York. Like a drink in Florida is like $3. I'm like, this is not going to lead anywhere good. But you know, when you're in Florida, when you're in Florida, you really need a strong, cheap drink. Yeah, Oh my gosh. OK, so we've been talking about how you've been spending a lot of time going back to your childhood.
If you could go back in time and give your past self a piece of advice, what would it be? Oh, I feel like I'm on Drag Race with that. Surprise.
And what would I say, you know, after writing both books that heavily feature my mom as a character and both books have have led to me having like very, I guess, a personal conversations with my mom, very, you know, vulnerable conversations with my mom and, you know, hearing about our lives through her point of view and how she felt throughout some of the most difficult moments of my life.
I think one thing that I would tell myself is that, you know, there was a long period of time where I really did feel alone and like I didn't have anybody that I could depend on. And I will tell myself that, you know, I though things with my mom were a little bit tough. Every now and then. I would tell myself that, you know, you did have somebody in
your corner. You know, she may not have been, you know, behaving in the the ways that you you wanted, but she did love you and she was rooting for you and she was trying really hard. And, you know, just like you yourself were figuring out this gay thing and what it means and how to, like, navigate it, she was doing the same thing for herself. And I get it doesn't justify anything. But yeah, I, I would just remind myself that that that I wasn't alone and that I did have
somebody in my side. I don't know if I would have been brave enough back then because I was just so ashamed about so many queer things that I, like, really put a wah between US. And I was like, really afraid to talk to her about, like, anything.
And I think it would have been really beautiful and maybe maybe in a corny way, but it would have been beautiful if we had been able to figure things out together instead of, you know, figuring it out on our own and, you know, having to find our way back to each other. Yeah. Yeah, that that would definitely be nice. And it's, but it's like so hard for children and parents growing up, so like, see each other's side because, I mean, the kid doesn't have the experience of an adult.
And then the adult, like you're so far removed from being a child that you forget what it's like to really learn the world for the first time. Yeah, yeah. And even, like, outside of, you know, queerness, when you're a teenager, like teenagers and parents, you're just like, there's always going to be, you know, something to fight about. You're always going to be like, you don't understand for some reason. So this is just a fantasy.
You know, in my fantasy, we would have been having beautiful, honest conversations with each other throughout my teenage years. But nobody is really doing that with their parent at that age. Nobody that I knew, anyway. That's what all therapists hope happens. Exactly. And you know, I even I had, I had like one or two friends who were queer and their parents were queer and even they have their queer trauma related to, you know, so even if your parents are gay, there's still,
it's going to be some drama. No one's exempt from that. No. And drama's good. It's, you know, material. It's. Material and helps you learn valuable life lessons.
You know, I, I, I really don't try to see life that way because I want to believe that I'm living like an authentic life where I'm not just like, Hey, there's like a, like a, I don't know, like artificialness to, I'm going to do stuff for the story, you know, but there is like a little bit of, I don't know, maybe relief or like a silver lining to now that I am a memoirist and I know that, you know, whatever I'm going through, I will probably write about it someday when something
really bad happens. Like the one silver lining is that like, OK, well, at least, you know, you might, you have material for, for the book. So, you know, I try not to see life that way, but it it is like the one consolation prize for trauma happening. I mean, if it helps you get through something. Yeah. At least that that's. Positive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I think it helps a little bit. In your memoir, you write to be the main character was to matter. Why do you think representation
in media is important? You know, I think representation is important because it, it sort of helps show you what's possible. I think I'm, maybe I'm like a visual learner and like, I need to see somebody doing it to know that it is possible for me. And you know, I didn't, I, I don't feel like I had a lot of, you know, queer Latin X models
of success. You know, I had a lot of models of, you know, if you grow up queer, you're probably going to die and bad things are going to happen to you and you're going to get gay bashed and it's going to be sad. And then Lifetime will make a movie about you and I'm. So sorry, I'm trying not to laugh at that. But that's like what that was like my, those were my role models. You know, when I like saw myself represented, it was like stuff like that.
And I, I think I really needed models of, you know, I would love to be a model of success and like, you can make it. I think it's a little bit more complicated. I think I'm more of a model of you can make it past trauma and still have a, you might not be rich, but you still have a rich life and a fulfilling life and being community and have love and, you know, do things that you're passionate about. But I think I, I needed to see somebody model that for me.
And so I'm hoping that, you know, I don't think the, the book is going to let I, I, I definitely don't think of it as like a, how to guide or a like, follow these steps to success. But I, I, I do hope that, you know, at least if it were me when I was, you know, a teenager, if I picked up this book, it would give me a little bit of hope, knowing that look, knowing that, like, you know, things don't always work out perfectly, but they're going to work out one way or another.
And I think that's something that I needed to hear, Yeah. I think that's something a lot of people need. To hear. Especially in the times we're going through so. Yeah. And it's kind of like that thing like with the, you know, the times that we're going through of it all. Like it does kind of give me a little bit hope looking back and saying like, oh, everything is a little bit cyclical. We have had, you know, really dark historical moments like
this in the past. And you know, I was going to say, you know, but we made it through. But not everybody makes it through. So. So I don't know what my inspirational message there is. Not you don't always need one. Sometimes it's just like, you know, just keep. Swimming. Just keep swimming. And that actually, that is kind of the message that my book ends on. Like, quite literally, it's just just keep swimming. I never. Yeah. Oh my God, I love that you just
said that. That really helps me understand my book a little bit more. Just keep swimming. Alternate title, yeah. Well, we're glad we could bring you that here today. Thank you for coming to talk to us. I really appreciate it. Those are all the questions we have for you. Thank you. Again, For those at home that haven't read it, go pick up a copy of Alligator Tears. If people want to stay connected with you or follow you, how can they do that? Just I'm on social media.
Otro Edgar Gomez. Yeah, that's where I'm at. I'm only on Instagram right now. All the apps are, you know, overwhelmed, you know, Yeah. All right, so go follow Edgar on Instagram. Thank you again. And until next time, hydrate for lesbian Jesus. And get up all over the place. Bye. And with that, we've been big gay energy. Thank you for listening. We'd really appreciate it if you downloaded this episode and left us a review. No matter how brief, your contribution will help us reach
a wider audience. We would love to hear from you about everything and anything. You can find us on all social media platforms at Big Gay Energy Pod or e-mail us at [email protected]. Join our Discord server to connect with us and our friends who also love queer media. The link to join is in our episode description.
Below, if you'd like to support us, check out our merch store on big gayenergypod.com or join our Patreon for early access to episodes, exclusive content, and so much more. Until next time, hydrate for lesbian Jesus. And get it up all over the place.