We have some of our most fun at restaurants where I'll sit on the same table with my lover and, and bitch, it'll be across the table and I'll order drinks for us and make it obvious like I'll have this, my boyfriend will have this and my husband over there will have that. And then just wait, you know, it's just, most servers are very gracious and they, they just distinctly try not to react in the moment.
But you know, 5 minutes later you'll see how all the other servers in the restaurant looking over at us like, Oh my God, you know, and that is so much fun, so much fun for us. It's it's what makes this so much fun. Hey everybody, I just wanted to give you a quick notice. I am starting to offer a one-on-one coaching session. It's called Ask Crystal, it is coaching for individuals and couples as they explore ethical non monogamy.
Whatever your dynamic is, I've been living in this dynamic for 10 years and I've learned a ton. And I hope to share some of that wisdom with you in the hopes that it will help you. So you'll get the details in the show notes and I hope to see you there. Hello everybody, Crystal Welch here and I am very excited to announce this is our maiden voyage with my Co host and cuckoldrus.
She's a friend that I've known for a while and she's just as so much fun to talk to. We decided to do this together. So in this session, we're going to be just discussing a topic that's very prominent with most cuck couples and that is how to find a quality bull or lover or whatever it is that you refer to them as. I don't know a single cut couple that doesn't struggle with this issue. I hope that it's informative and helpful for couples as well as
bulls that might be listening. Welcome, Anne. Thank you, Crystal, it's fun to be here again, so really looking forward to this conversation. I sort of formulated four key ideas that I think get in the way or make it difficult to find quality bulls. So the first one that I landed on is I would challenge men that want to relate to cuckold couples specifically. We're different than swingers. And if you're not sure what that is, then that would be a good
place to start. But my first suggestion would be is to check your assumptions. Don't assume you know what we want. Don't assume that we are just like other couples that you've been with. Check your assumptions. Because literally every single couple that I know, they have their own specific wants and needs and the types of people and the types of relating that they work best with. And so your first and primary job is to find out what that is. Because first of all, it may not
comport with what you want. Just don't make any assumptions when you're meeting a new and I'm speaking about cuckold couples specifically. When you're meeting a new cuck couple, please don't bring any assumptions to the table. It's your job to ask quality questions and find out who they are, what they want, how they like to interact.
Are they just like kind of the one and done situation they or they want something more of a quality friendship where you can socialize together and maybe create something longer term? You know, there's no right answer to that, but it is your job to find out if what you are available for comports with what they want. And I think this gets missed way too often. And what do you think?
I mean, I tend to agree, but sometimes when and I'm, you know, looking for that person to add to our dynamic, when I start immediately with labels, say I'm looking for a bowl and this is what I want. It tends to not always work that way because there are men who just want a relationship with a couple and they don't understand it enough. So sometimes I think it works too initially just so you can have that meeting and see if there's a chemistry and then gradually bring them into cuckolding.
Sometimes I find that if there's too many parameters and this is just for me, it may backfire and maybe scare them off or maybe they won't want to try because they don't want to take the time to learn. So I think there's a lot out there that they don't know. And so sometimes I think some gentleman, they see the term cuckolding and they're like, they may just move on because they aren't used to it. So that's one of the things I have found. Some men don't want to be labeled as a bull.
Like they find that. They find that derogatory though. They're dominant and they're very good and bad and they have all that bravado. But there's something about the term bull that doesn't sit with them well. I think though, both of those points are really well taken and I too am averse to labels. But so I would ask you this, how then if you're meeting someone for the first time and you guys know what you want, how do you describe what your relationship is and what you're looking for?
Often times I describe it as best I can on the phone because when I meet men, I have a process. I don't just, you know, meet for a drink and think something's going to happen. You don't have insist on a conversation on the phone and then meet for coffee. And yeah, it may take time, but you get to know somebody that way and you get to know if they're willing to take the time
to get to know you. And often times I'll share my blog with them and ask them to read like the last few entries are probably more relevant to where we are today. But I want them to understand that because sometimes you can only explain so much. Sometimes though, I also feel I give him way too much information at first and then it scares him away, you know? So I think it just depends on the person. And if I can't have a conversation with them, it's probably not going to go
anywhere. Right. But one example to your point, just the other week, somebody that we had talked to like two years ago reaches out out of the blue and we never did get together with schedules and whatnot. And he's like, he reached out and he said, you know, we really have unfinished business. And I'm like, So what do you have in mind? And he said, well, I want a cuckold session where he's caged up and taking pics of me pleasuring you.
And I had to correct him. I'm like, wait, wait a minute. Like, you know, he's setting the scene without asking any questions. He's just assuming that he's just. That's the problem is sometimes you say something and they want to set the scene. Yeah, So that's how it goes in real life. And so when I say check your assumptions, I mean even your assumptions about what you think a cuckold couple is, even if
they don't use cuckold couple. But I do expect any lover that I'm going to actually engage with I, I do expect them to be curious about that and ask some questions because what we do and what we like and how we like to interact may not be at all what you're looking for. For instance, in our, in our case, I agree with Anne completely.
If I can't openly talk to you and share good conversation and some laughs, you know, I'm much more interested in how you tick and how I feel when I'm with you. And if I can't get a read on that because you're closed or you're, you're not curious about anything, I can't tell you how many people I've met that didn't have a shred of curiosity.
They just had it seemed to me like they just had an agenda that they were going to get a piece of butt and you know, call it good and it doesn't lead to a good experience. So I have to I have to talk to them And you know, it's basically it gets down to how do I feel when I'm with you? How do I feel when I'm talking to you? If if there's not some electricity, some humor, some intelligence, it's off the table for me. And it's up to you know, that's a two way St.
We both have to add to that. But when you when you come to this table over here with no curiosity and preset ideas about what you think we are, you're probably not going to even clear first base. Yeah, I I tend to agree.
But sometimes you get caught in that spot where you have this physical and intellectual chemistry with someone and they're not willing to go all the way in the cuckolding dynamic, but you still want to engage with them because as a cuckoldress leaving and you know, meeting up with someone as a cuckoldress without telling James, but telling him when I get home, there's a piece of that that that is very hot to us. But I still want this person to
engage with us as a couple, whether James is there or not. You know, I want that interaction. I mean, that turns me on. I like when my gentleman lovers reach out to James, especially without me asking. You should check in with James, like let him know like what you're thinking like this, right? So, you know, my whole thing is finding the men that make me
tick. And hopefully I can bring him into where we are because it's you and I, we're in locations where we don't have a lot of resources and right. Meaning. Meaning. So diverse. Sometimes we have a particular. And sometimes putting labels to things tends to, sometimes it dilutes kind of the pool of men. And, you know, maybe that's OK. But if I could find that perfect person or two, I think it would
be great. But I think I'll let you know when I it happens because I've met several gentlemen who want to engage with us, but they're so their time is so limited. It's like, how can you find that person that's more available so you can build that dynamic with them together?
That's one of the key things that sets, I think couples in our dynamic kind of apart from let's say swingers or that most couples I and I'm not all, nobody wants exactly the same thing, but many of us and many of our friends like to have actual friendships and relationships with the lover and we want that too. And there's a process to that. It's it's no different than if we were just single people and free dating. I've got to be attracted to you. I, we have to have something in common.
There has to be easy conversation flow and we both have to be available for whatever it is we say we want. Because I've had the same experience that you have, Anne, you know where it was just gangbusters and then they end up with no time or no ability on my very first point is check your assumptions. This is the part about being curious and being really open about what you want and what you're actually capable of, because they might be two
different things. What you want and what you're actually able to deliver may not be the same. Second thing is to know yourself and know what you want and be honest about what you want and be completely candid about what you want and communicate it. What I have run into on more than one occasion is because we are, we are a Poly flavored couple, meaning we want to have real relationships with our
lovers. We've had a a few instances where Rich was just super good friends with him and he and I had great chemistry and that's what we want and we're clear about it. I've had numerous people who badly wanted to get together with us, but actually, at the end of the day, they weren't available for that at all. Either they had too many other commitments or they live too far away. But they misrepresented. Yes, I want that too. I want that. That's what I want. Yeah, that's what I want.
And then they couldn't come through with the goods. So it doesn't pay to misrepresent that at all. Just know who you are and know what you want and communicate it openly and you'll you're likely to find a couple that matches what you want if you do that. Right. And I think sometimes it goes both ways. You know, when as a couple, couple as you are seeking, sometimes you have to have a little flexibility too because you just don't. Yeah, you can't if you're so
rigid. This whole lifestyle is flex is about flexibility and giving people a chance too. Right. And also as far as genuine connection, I said whether it's Paul, that's all I want is genuine connection between James I and this person. Whether you call it Paulie or not, I want, you know, I appreciate lifelong friendships. I have lovers that I've had for several years. It's just they're not available or in different places in their lives, but we're still in touch.
It's how do you find those that right, the availability goes on. I think you, that's why I think it's important to have if you can have a few, at least where I'm at. No, for sure. I mean, I'll settle for one right now, but but you're exactly right. So, and then that leads us right to point #3 that I had is to communicate all of what we've just talked about plus your boundaries. There are many fewer lovers, I would say out there that have cuckold experience.
And it's, it's quite new for many of them, if not most of them. And so we don't take a really hard line in the beginning, but I let them know we are married. He is going to be involved one way or the other. You know, our ideal situation would be you make an effort to be friends with him and then you guys can work out how you interact. I know what Bichard's preferences are and he's very willing to communicate them openly. Like is fluffing a yes or a no?
Is clean up after a yes or a no? If you've got hard limits or hard a hard boundary about not doing that, that you need to say that. And that's everybody's, that's everybody's obligation. Everybody's obligation, you know, we all have the same ability to be flexible where we can be, and only we can decide which items we can and will be flexible with. But it starts by being willing to really communicate honestly. Oh for sure.
And I think it when it comes to boundaries, I've never really had a true conversation with someone about boundaries. There might be a question of do you have any hard nose? But we are tend to be people who are very flexible and adventurous and sexually we've tried just about everything. And I think we welcome challenges and nothing scripted. But I think those that asked the question, you know, do you have
any hard Nos? I think that's important to get that communicated on both sides because you can't assume, yeah, that your lover's going to want to fluff your husband and vice versa, right? I just like men who are just open minded and aren't afraid to try new things so. That is the that is the ideal Unicorn in our world to open minded and open minded, adventurous and willing to try things and and curious about us. You know, curious about us.
All of these things that we've talked about so far today are the things that lead to really, really good experiences where everybody feels honored, everybody feels that their needs have been met one way or the other way, and everybody leaves the connection satisfied and happy. I mean, because it's so much more than just the sex thing. It's so much more. It's so much more it can be.
But that's where the good stuff is, you know, to have a good friend and somebody that you can laugh with and somebody you can, you know, go out to dinner with. And, you know, one of our favorite things is to go in public. And, you know, I have a strong preference for, in fact, I am black only. I don't date white guys at all. And one of our favorite things is to go in public and I'll be with my lover holding hands or we'll be arm in arm and you
know, Bitchard will be behind. You know, he chauffeurs us there and and he just loves it. He loves it. He just, it just makes his little cuck thing tingle. We'll go into restaurants and we have some of our most fun at restaurants where I'll sit on the same table with my lover and, and bitch, it'll be across the table and I'll order drinks for us and make it obvious like I'll have this, my boyfriend will have this and my husband over there will have that.
And then just wait. You know, it's just, most servers are very gracious and they, they just distinctly trying not to react in the moment. But you know, 5 minutes later you'll see how all the other servers in the restaurant looking over at us like, Oh my God, you know, and that is so much fun, so much fun for us. It's it's what makes this so much fun.
It's stuff like that, you know, we like to be in public and so it has to be somebody that we can go socialize with and likes doing that and likes doing that stuff too. What are some other maybe issues that you've had that you found a solution for, or you found a new way to navigate it? I don't know if I found a new way to navigate it.
I feel like I'm more clear in communicating and correcting people, men, potential lovers, when they have an, you know, they make assumptions and want to set the stage. I feel like I'm stronger at saying, look, no, that's not how it's going to go without pissing them off and having them walk away. I'm better about that. Is it anything new? No, I don't have any magic tricks to to share. But I feel like the longer I've been in this journey, the stronger I've become in.
Just communicating what I want, right? I don't know if there's any ways that are more interesting than others, better ways to go about doing things, whether it be communicating or attracting men. You know, I, I do as much as I can. Sometimes I find I feel like I have a profile on a swing site and actually it's the same one on a couple different sites. Sometimes I think it's just too long, but explains exactly what I want, you know? And people are going to read it or they're not.
And the ones that read it are like, yeah, this is what I want. So it's finding the men that will follow through. Yeah, that's a big one. That's a hot, hot button. You're almost in the door right off the bat if you actually took the time to read, read my profile and can and can feedback on some of those things or respond to them, man. But it's rare. It's rare that I find that it's rare that men will actually take the time to actually read a profile, which astounds me. It just astounds me.
So one of the other hot button items too, is the issue of dominance or submission. Many, many black men like to or play a more dominant role. They see themselves in that way and, and it's very enjoyable and both of us are good with that. But I don't make any assumptions about them either. I always ask, you know, are you dominant? Do you expect us both to be submissive? Because I'm not stuff like that. And yeah, not at all.
But that's another place where I've had a lot of people make assumptions that I'm automatically, you know, as a cuckolder. So I'm automatically going to be submissive and be his little sex slave and and so is Bitchard if they don't, you know, throw him away completely. So that's the that power exchange stuff.
We go into quite some depth and so that we're on the same page with that because that's an area that can that can be problematic if you don't understand who it is that's in front of you. Right. And I I find that I'm I'm not submissive, but I like strong, confident lovers. Who? Can be leaders in bed and but I also like that exchange of, you know, no, there's not one person that's it goes back and forth. You know, it's this chemistry that, you know, maybe he's initiating something.
I'm initiating something and it goes back and forth to me. That's but if there are strong men that want to be dominant and want me submissive, they should never assume that I think that's a a place they may take me after. There's a comfort level and a A level of trust.
Right. That is the exact conversation that I had with this person recently, that if there's a certain intimacy between US and if there's some some trust and if we have a good friendship and we've established a good camaraderie, a skilled person could take me there at least in the in bed. You know, during my day-to-day life, I'm never submissive. I mean, just ask my husband.
But that's something that I would play with that with the right person, but it'd have to be exactly the right person and you have to approach it exactly the right way. Oh, yeah, I, I agree. I think, I mean, I think there's a point of liking someone who has power and strength and bravado versus a dominant. There's somebody who's confident without being a Dom in the whole BDSM language.
In fact, I went on to Fetlife and I'm like, OK, I'll maybe I'll create a profile here, but there were just so many labels you could associate with. And I'm like, huh, I wonder if I'm a good, I'm a cuckle dress. I'm going to put my, I'm going to put the full profile in here and see if I, if it's interesting enough, you know? Yeah, they have these laundry lists of labels and you, you have to identify your this or you like that. And which is helpful.
I think at least it can start a conversation if people actually read that. But yeah, you made a good point that I want to highlight to the difference between being a strong, confident, assertive man, which I love, versus a dominant man that wants to kind of push people around. That's been my experience. And, and, and that's really where those are two completely different people. I agree. The man that has that has the need to be the Lord and master of the entire household forever
and all time. It probably wouldn't work with us, but strong, confident, assertive, I'll tell you another key to that too. For any bull that might be interested in this. What works for me is master a flirt. Man, that's kind of a dying art. Master the fucking flirt. It's you can't imagine how many good things could come your way if you know how to flirt.
Right, I agree. It's like you set up a date with someone and there's, it's great, but there's no conversation between the day you talk and then, you know, a week later it's like, come on, like, can you tell me? Like you're thinking of me? Even if you're not like your your Jack's, your Jack's hard. Like right now you're mourning, like just getting those like little snippets occasionally. You have no idea what it does for me. I Yeah, Well, it's so hot, so wet, don't you?
Don't you think that's most women though? And I, I don't know why flirting has become a dying art, but the men that are good at it, at it, they have women 12 deep at all times. It, it's a, it's a magic thing. It doesn't cost you anything. It is a it is this art form, I think that can be mastered, but learning how to be playful and flirty and TZ that is so hot. I'm exactly the same. I'm just like I'm an all a puddle for people that know how
to flirt. Now, given that we just said that, here's the other thing that doesn't work for me personally. I don't want to see your Dick pic unless I ask for it. Don't send me a Dick pic thinking you're going to get to know me. I want you to, you know, show me that you can make me laugh. Show me that you can't be curious. Show me that you have something to say for yourself. Show me a little bit of your personality. All of those things are much, much more important than your
Dick size. We'll get to that. Everybody's got a Dick. Not everybody has a flirt. That's what I'm saying. Well I don't want to see a Dick Dick pic unless I've seen the Dick and played with the Dick in person like so. And this is my new best friend. It's follow up Dick pics are good and knowing that two of my a few of my favorite lovers are married, you know, cheater 1, cheater 2 like covering. I want to refer to them and
they're fantastic. It's just their heart, but they have amazing Dicks. So when they send me something it's like I'm thinking of you. I love it like. Now see? But see what you just said right there? And that's a flirt, yeah, 'cause you already know the Dick and you know the guy and you've had a good experience with him, you know? But an unsolicited Dick pic? Why do guys do that? Stop doing it. Just stop. Stop doing that. Nobody thinks it's fun or funny.
I don't, and I don't know anybody that does, but they just insist upon sending those and, you know, flirt with me instead. You'll get you much further than sending me a picture of your Weiner. Right, right. If we're speaking to the gentleman, the bulls or lovers or however you define yourself, just be honest in the presentation that you give. You know, don't say keep talking
about your bbci. Don't give a shit if your BBC is. I mean, yeah, I want a large Dick because I need size, but I don't want to know those details. I'd rather know what's in your head. I need to know that brain. Yes. And if all you're going to talk about is your Bbci, can assure you. Most times when if I have this conversation and we go out for coffee, I take them to my back seat.
They don't pass the test because they want to think that they're going to satisfy me. But first of all, all they do is talk about their BBC and then usually that's a red flag. I should know better, but it's usually not the case. Any advice that we could give to maybe couples that are also struggling with trying to find the right kind of lover for them? You know, I think as far as, you know, couples, obviously some couples, the men, the husbands
do the looking. That's just how it works, you know, try to have an open mind. Know that they may not all check every single box, but maybe they will eventually. You know, I think the most important thing is do you have a chemistry intellectually and physically and see where it goes. Like have fun. Can you have fun with this person? And does this person seem open minded and just take it one step at a time? Because if you don't try, you don't know. Like you'll never know.
And I just think the easiest part is to, if you see someone that's attractive and they're communicating with you through whatever site you're using, don't be afraid to take it a little further and see if they're willing to bend and you know, if they're willing to be flexible. I just feel like if you just shut everyone out because they don't match your description or they don't ask all the right questions, you could lose a potential lover or friend.
I think that's, yeah, I think that's really, really solid advice. And one thing you might consider is have like your master list of things that must be there. Like I must be able to talk to you. You have to have a little bit of intellectual heft. It's absolutely a requirement of mine that you got to make me laugh. If you're too serious or you don't have a sense of humor, we probably won't get along.
How you dress and what you do for a living and even your availability, you know, I can be flexible with that. If if the big rocks that are in my bucket get ticked, we can fill in with all kinds of little rocks and much can be defined by the lover. But know what your really core requirements are and and to the best of your ability.
See if you match on those things and then be flexible just like Anne said, be flexible on the little rocks because you might be surprised, you might, you might think something was was a big rock and it's really just a Little Rock and you might find something that's really special by being open minded about that. Yeah, and sometimes I'll. I'll be.
Frustrated because I'm like, well, he didn't ask me any questions and so OK, well, if that's the case, maybe I need to restructure the conversation so that I change up the dialogue so that I'm offering information and then maybe that'll spark questions. I mean, sometimes it's like, well, do you have any questions? And they're going to say, no, I don't have any questions. So. The truth is, they don't even know what to ask. That's why they don't. Know what to ask?
Yeah, they don't know what to ask. So, so that's a, that's a really, that's a really helpful tip is if you're not getting some good curiosity questions going, then try and provide some information and then ask them how they see that or something like that. It might get the conversation going a little deeper so that you could you could know more about where where you're going
to intersect or not intersect. Well, even if you wanted to have find something like get a conversation going, well, what do you do when you're not fucking women? Like, what do you do like, and I don't care about your job. Like what do you what makes you tick? Besides, yeah, you know, what do you do in your? What are your hobbies? You know I. Where have you travelled? Yeah, and it's like, well, I just, I play video games all day. I'm like cool, like, or what do you do for fitness?
I don't have to. I don't do anything. Well, to me that's a deal breaker because fitness is really important to me. Yeah, yeah. There's kind and curious ways. Yeah, kind and curious ways to interject that into conversations, to kind of excavate who's in front of you. And then maybe they'll pick up the hint and start asking you some of those questions and then you're off to the races. But hopefully this has been helpful for everyone. I think it's an important
conversation. I appreciate you so much and for, you know, being willing to contribute your wisdom here because you've got a lot of it and just thanks, thanks for participating. That's. I I really thank you and I'm flattered that you invited me to join on the conversation and looking forward to what we talk about next. Our dear producer gave us a list of questions because he's in a in a cut group and they fished out about 10 really good questions.
So we've got we've got material to cover. So we'll be covering some of those topics on next time. But thank you for being here and it's been really fun and hopefully it's been helpful for our listeners. OK, thank you. Till next time. Bye.