Ep #9: Unleashing Confidence: Overcoming Self-Doubt in Women

Hello everyone and welcome back to another enlightening episode of Beyond Doubt, Unleashing Confidence. I'm your host, Nafi Guntoye, and today's episode is dedicated to an issue that touches nearly every one of us at some point in our lives. Self-doubt. Specifically, we'll be exploring the psychological roots of self-doubt in women, understanding where it comes from how it manifests and most importantly how we can overcome it.

Self-doubt can be a formidable obstacle in our journey towards living a fulfilling life but here's the good news it is not insurmountable by understanding its fruits we can begin to dismantle its power over us brick by brick thought by thought before we dive into today's discussion, I want to remind you to visit my resource page on my website at nephewwellness.com forward slash resources.

There you'll find a carefully curated selection of tools, books and articles that can support you on your journey to greater confidence and self-assurance.

So let's get started. Part one, understanding the roots of self-doubt. Self-doubt is a pervasive issue, one that holds us back from reaching our full potential. It's that little voice in the back of your mind that questions your abilities, your worth and your right to be where you are. But where does this voice come from? Why do so many of us, especially women, struggle with self-doubt? To begin to answer these questions, we must first understand that self-doubt doesn't arise out of nowhere.

It is often deeply rooted in our upbringing, our societal environments and the cultural narratives we've internalised over time. These factors combine to create a powerful, often unconscious belief system that fuels our insecurities and undermines our confidence. The influence of perfectionism. One of the most significant contributors to self-doubt is perfectionism.

Perfectionism is the belief that anything short of perfect is unacceptable and it's a belief that is particularly prevalent among women.

From a young age, many women are socialised to be people pleasers, to strive for perfection in all aspects of their lives, whether in their appearance their academic or professional achievements or their roles as mothers partners and friends but let's pause here for a moment ask yourself what does perfection or perfectionism really do for us on the surface it might seem like a motivator pushing us to achieve and excel but in reality perfectionism is a double-edged sword.

While it can drive us to set high standards it can also paralyze us with fear. Fear of failure, fear of not measuring up and ultimately fear of not being good enough. The renowned researcher and author Renee Brown has spoken extensively about the dangers of perfectionism. She says perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect.

Perfection is an unattainable goal. This pursuit of the unattainable is what fuels self-doubt because no matter how hard we try perfection remains out of reach and when we inevitably fall short we begin to doubt our abilities, our worth and even our right to be happy. Consider the example of a woman who's constantly striving to be the perfect mother. She spends hours preparing healthy meals, ensuring her children are excelling in school and maintaining a spotless home.

Yet no matter how hard she works she feels like she's failing because she can't meet the impossibly high standards she set for herself. This is where self-doubt creeps in, whispering in her ear that she's not a good enough mother that she's letting her family down but the truth is her self-doubt is rooted not in her actual performance but in it in the unrealistic expectations she's trying to live up to.

Ask yourself, are the standards I've set for myself realistic or are they rooted in unattainable ideal? By recognising the role that perfectionism plays in self-doubt, we can begin to challenge these unrealistic standards and replace them with more compassion and more achievable goals.

The role of early experiences experiences. Another significant factor in the development of self-doubt is our early experiences. Our childhoods are formative years during which we begin to develop our sense of self and our beliefs about the world around us. Unfortunately, not all of us have childhoods that are conducive to the development of healthy self-esteem. For many women, self-doubt has its roots in critical or unsupportive environments.

Perhaps you had a parent who was highly critical, always pointing out your flaws and mistakes rather than your successes. Or maybe you had a teacher who focused more on your failures than your achievements, leading you to believe that you were somehow deficient or lacking. These early experiences can have a profound impact on your self-perception, leading you to internalise a narrative of inadequacy that persists into adulthood.

Dr Tara Brach, a renowned psychologist and author, has written extensively about the impact of these early experiences on her self-esteem. She notes, the beliefs that most imprison us such as I'm not good enough or I'm unlovable often stem from unmet childhood needs. When these needs are not met we begin to form beliefs about ourselves that are rooted in fear and self-doubt. Let me share a story with you of a woman named Sarah. As a child Sarah was constantly criticised by her parents.

They will point out every mistake she made, no matter how small and rarely offered praise or encouragement. Over time, Sarah began to believe that she was inherently flawed, that no matter how hard she tried, she would never be good enough. This belief followed her into adulthood, manifesting as chronic self-doubt in her personal and professional life. But here's the important thing to remember. Our early experiences do not define us.

While they may have shaped our beliefs, we have the power to challenge and change those beliefs as adults. Ask yourself, what are the earliest memories I have of feeling like I wasn't enough? How have these memories influenced my beliefs about myself? By bringing these memories to light, we can begin to heal from them and replace the limiting beliefs they've created with more empowering ones.

Societal expectations and gender roles In addition to perfectionism and early experiences, society, societal expectations and rigid gender roles also play a significant role in the development of self-doubt in women. From a young age, women are bombarded with messages about what it means to be a quote-unquote good woman. We're expected to be nurturing, selfless and accommodating, all while maintaining a certain standard of beauty and success.

These societal expectations can create immense pressure, leading to feelings of inadequacy when we inevitably fall short. And because these are expectations, often deeply ingrained, we may not even realise the extent to which they're influencing our self-doubt. Take, for example, the story of Michelle Obama, one of the most accomplished women in recent history. Despite her numerous achievements, she has spoken openly about her struggles with self-doubt.

In her memoir, Becoming, she writes about the pressure she felt to be perfect, to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect first lady. Yet, despite her best efforts, she often felt like she wasn't measuring up. Her story is a powerful reminder that even those who seem to have it all together are not immune to self-doubt. Ask yourself, what societal expectations am I holding on to that may be fueling

my self-doubt? Are these expectations realistic or are they rooted in outdated gender roles that no longer serve me? By identifying and challenging these expectations, we can begin to free ourselves from their grip and develop a more authentic sense of self.

Comparison, the thief of joy. Let's talk about another major contributor to self-doubt, comparison. In today's digital age, it's easier than ever to compare ourselves to others. We scroll through social media, seeing only the highlight reels of other people's lives, their successes, their happiness, their seemingly perfect relationships. And we wonder why our own lives don't measure up. But here's the thing, comparison is an illusion.

We're comparing our behind the scenes with someone else's edited version of reality. Focus there on the word edited, okay? This can lead to a vicious cycle of self-doubt, where we constantly feel like we're falling short, no matter how well we're actually doing. Theodore Roosevelt famously said, comparison is a thief of joy. And this couldn't be more true.

When we compare ourselves to others, we're not only undermining our own accomplishments but we're also robbing ourselves of the joy that comes from recognising and celebrating our unique journey. Consider the story of a woman named Emma. Emma was a successful lawyer with a thriving career but she couldn't shake the feelings that she wasn't doing enough. Every time she scrolled through social media she would see posts from other women who seemed to have it all.

Successful careers, beautiful families and glamorous lifestyles. The more she compared herself to these women, the more she doubted her own worth and achievements. But one day, Emma had a revelation. She realised that she was comparing her entire life to the carefully created snapshots of others. She decided to take a break from social media and focus on her own journey, setting goals that were meaningful to her rather than trying to measure up to someone else's standards.

Over time, her self-doubt began to fade, replaced by a sense of pride in her own accomplishments. Ask yourself, when was the last time I felt truly inadequate because of a comparison I made? Reflecting on this can help you recognise the harmful patterns and start to break free from them. Remember, your journey is your own and it's worth celebrating exactly as it is.

The impact of imposter syndrome imposter syndrome is another significant factor that contributes itself out particularly among high achieving women imposter syndrome is the feeling that you're a fraud that you don't deserve your success and that it's only a matter of time before you're found out it's a phenomenon that was first identified by psychologist pauline clance and Suzanne Imes in the late 1970s and it's still highly relevant today.

Even the most successful individuals are not immune to imposter syndrome. Take for example Maya Angelou, one of the most celebrated authors and poets of our time. Despite her incredible achievements, she once said, I have written 11 books but each time I think uh-oh they're going to find out now I've run a game on everyone and they're going to find me out her words are a powerful reminder that imposter syndrome is not about our actual abilities it's about our perception of them.

Imposter syndrome often manifests in the form of self-doubt, leading us to downplay our achievements and attribute our success to luck or external factors rather than our own abilities. This can create a cycle of self-doubt where we constantly question whether we're good enough, smart enough or capable enough to deserve our success. Ask yourself, do I often attribute my success to luck or external factors rather than my own abilities.

Recognising imposter syndrome is the first step in overcoming it. By acknowledging that our achievements are a result of our hard work, talent and perseverance, you can begin to build a more accurate and empowering self-perception.

Part two, overcoming self-doubt, practical steps. Now that we've explored the roots of self-doubt, let's turn our attention to some practical steps that you can take to overcome it. Remember, self-doubt is not a permanent state. It's something that can be managed and even transformed into confidence with the right tools and strategies. So number one, challenge negative thoughts. One of the most effective ways to combat self-doubt is to challenge the negative thoughts that fuel it.

Our thoughts are incredibly powerful. They shape our beliefs, our emotions and ultimately our actions. When left unchecked, negative thoughts can create a self-fulfilling prophecy where we begin to believe that we're are not capable or worthy and as a result we start to act in ways that reinforce those beliefs. But here's the good news, you have the power to change your thoughts. The next time you catch yourself thinking I'm not good enough, pause and challenge that thought.

Ask yourself, is this really true? What evidence do I have to support or refute this belief? You might find that your negative thoughts are based more on fear and insecurity than on actual reality? Consider the story of Eleanor, who struggled with self-doubt in her career. She constantly doubted her abilities, often thinking, I'm not smart enough to get in this job.

But when she took the time to examine her thoughts, she realised that they were not based on her actual performance, she had consistently received positive feedback from her colleagues and supervisors. With this new awareness, Eleanor began to challenge her negative thoughts and replace them with more accurate positive ones, leading to a significant increase in her confidence and job satisfaction.

Try this exercise. The next time you experience a wave of self-doubt, write down the negative thoughts and then write down evidence that contradicts it over time this approach can help you rewire your thinking patterns and reduce the power of self-doubt, Number two, practice self-compassion. Another powerful tool for overcoming self-doubt is self-compassion. Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding and support that you would offer to a close friend.

It's about recognising that you are human, that you're not perfect and that it's okay to make mistakes. Dr Christine Neff, a leading in Researcher and Self-Compassion, explains that self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook or lowering your standards. It's about acknowledging your imperfections and failures without judgment.

She says, when we are self-compassionate, we are able to admit our mistakes and take responsibility for them, but without the harsh self-criticism that can lead to self-doubt. Consider the story of Rachel, a woman who was struggling with self-doubt after a failed business venture. She was constantly berating herself for the mistakes she had made, which only deepened her feelings of inadequacy.

But when she learned about self-compassion, she began to practice speaking to herself with kindness and understanding. Instead of focusing on her failures, she started to acknowledge the courage it took to pursue her dreams in the first place. This shift in perspective allowed her to rebuild her confidence and eventually start a new successful business. Ask yourself, how would I speak to a friend who is going through what I'm going through?

Then try to offer the same level of compassion and understanding to yourself. This simple practice can go a long way in reducing self-doubt and increasing confidence. Number three, set realistic goals. Goal setting is a powerful way to build confidence and reduce self-doubt, but it's important to set realistic, achievable goals. When we set goals that are too lofty or unrealistic, we set ourselves up for failure, which can lead to increased self-doubt.

Instead, break down your larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate each small victory along the way, as these successes will help build your confidence evidence and motivate you to keep going. Remember, progress is progress no matter how small. Consider the story of Olivia, a woman who struggled with self-doubt when she decided to pursue a new career in a highly competitive field. She set a goal to land her dream job within six months but when the six-month

mark came and went without any job offers, she began to doubt her abilities. priorities. Rather than giving up, Olivia decided to break down her goals into smaller steps. She set a goal to apply for a certain number of jobs each week, to network with professionals in her field and to take on freelance projects to build her portfolio. By focusing on these smaller achievable goals, Olivia was able to build her confidence and eventually land her dream job.

Ask yourself are the goals I've set for myself realistic and achievable if not consider breaking them down into smaller steps remember it's not about how quickly you achieve your goals it's about making consistent progress towards them. Number four, seek support. One of the most important things to remember when dealing with self-doubt is that you don't have to go through it alone.

Seeking support from others, whether it's a friend, a mentor, a coach or a therapist, can provide you with encouragement, perspective and guidance you need to overcome self-doubt. Consider the story of Amelia, a woman who was struggling with self-doubt after being promoted to a leadership position at work.

She felt overwhelmed by the new responsibilities and doubted her ability to lead her team effectively but rather than keeping her doubts to herself, Amelia decided to seek support from a mentor who had experience in leadership. Her mentor provided her with valuable advice, reassurance and practical strategies for managing her new role. With this support, Amelia was able to overcome her self-doubt and thrive in her new position.

Ask yourself, who could I reach out to for support when I'm struggling with self-doubt? Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. We all need support from time to time and there's no shame in seeking it out.

Number five, limit comparisons. comparisons as we discussed earlier comparison is a major contributor to self-doubt to combat this it's important to limit the time you spend on activities that lead to comparison such as scrolling through social media or constantly checking on others progress instead focus on your own journey and celebrate your own achievements consider the story of lucy a woman who was constantly comparing herself to others in her industry.

She would spend hours on social media looking at the accomplishments of her peers and feeling like she was falling behind. This constant comparison was eroding her confidence and increasing her self-doubt. But when Lucy decided to take a break from social media and focus on her own goals, she noticed a significant improvement in her mental well-being and confidence. By limiting comparison, she was able to appreciate her own journey and celebrate her unique achievements.

And I would also like to add my story because I at one point was trying to be a social media influencer so I was on social media hours a day especially on Instagram and I built my Instagram following up to like 30,000 but honestly guys it was not I wasn't happy when I got to 30,000 followers I was like okay I need a hundred thousand and then and then I was looking at people that had five million and guys it was it was it was robbing my joy so my brother actually he challenged

me to take a social media break during Christmas so I was like okay fine I'm not gonna post for a month and I'm not going to go on it for a month so I deleted it off my phone and guys within that month I was just like hanging out with my friends instead of like.

Going to going to someone's post to see what they're up to I was like calling them and just being like okay tell me what you're up to and I actually felt more connected after my month off social media than I did when I was on it so for me I've incredibly reduced the amount of time that I spend on social media and I don't want to be an influencer and I'm just enjoying my own journey and my own life and my time with my own friends and family so I would definitely recommend it because

everyone that I know that has done it has seen incredible improvements in limiting their time on social media you can get apps now that can lock you out after certain minutes or certain hours. So yeah, I would definitely 100% recommend that. Now ask yourself, how much time do I spend comparing myself to others? If the answer is too much, consider setting boundaries around your use of social media or other activities that lead to comparison.

Remember, your journey is your own and it is worth celebrating. Number six, embrace failure as a learning opportunity. Failure is a natural part of life, but it's also one of the most common triggers for self-doubt. When we fail, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that we're not good enough or that we'll never succeed. But the truth is, failure is not a reflection of your worth. It's simply a part of the learning process.

Consider the story of Thomas Edison, who's often cited as one of the greatest inventors of all time. Edison fell thousands of times before he finally succeeded in inventing the light bulb. Yet, he didn't see these failures as setbacks, instead he saw them as valuable learning opportunities. He famously said, I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Edison's ability to embrace failure and learn from them was a key factor in his eventual success.

Success ask yourself how can I reframe failure as a learning opportunity rather than a reflection of my my own worth the next time you experience a setback try to view it as an important opportunity to learn grow and improve remember every failure brings you one step closer to success process.

Number seven, affirm your worth. Finally, one of the most effective ways to combat self-doubt is to regularly affirm your worth. Take time each day to remind yourself of your strengths, achievements and unique qualities. Write them down if it helps and review them whenever you start to doubt yourself. Consider the story of Hannah, a woman who struggled with self-doubt in her personal life. She felt like she was constantly falling short, both as a mother and as a partner.

But when she started practicing daily affirmations, she began to notice a shift in her mindset. Each morning, she would write down three things she was proud of, whether it was something small, like making her children breakfast, or something bigger, like completing a work project. Over time, these affirmations helped Hannah build her confidence and reduce her doubt. Ask yourself, what are my strengths and achievements?

Write them down and review them regularly. By affirming your worth, you can build a strong foundation of self-confidence that will help you overcome self-doubt. Also, on my website, nephewwellness.com forward slash I've got some.

Affirmation pdfs you can download them for free and you can print them out and you can just use them as affirmation cards if that helps you part three inspirational story jk rowling's journey, i will just before i before i go into this i will just say harry potter is like one of my favorite book series so I do bring up JK Rowling and Michelle Obama a lot because I find them very inspirational but you know find whoever's inspirational

story resonates with you and also you know use them as motivation so as we've explored the roots of self-doubt and practical steps to overcome it, I want to share with you the inspired story of J.K. Rowling, the beloved author of the Harry Potter series. Rowling's journey is a powerful example of how persistence in the face of self-doubt can lead to extraordinary success. Before the Harry Potter series became a global phenomenon, J.K. Rowling was a single mother living on welfare.

She struggled with depression and self-doubt, and her manuscript for the first Harry Potter book was rejected by 12 publishers before it was finally accepted. Despite these setbacks, Rowling didn't give up on her dream. She continued to believe in her story and her abilities, even when the odds seemed stacked against her. In her Harvard commencement speech, Rowling said.

It is impossible to live without fading at something unless you live so cautiously that you might well not have lived at all, in which case you fail by default. Her words are a powerful reminder that failure and self-doubt are not obstacles to success, they are part of the journey. Rowling's story is a testament to the power of persistence, self-belief and resilience.

Resilience despite her struggles she went on to become one of the most successful authors of all time inspiring millions of readers around the world her journey reminds us that self-doubt is not a permanent state it's something that can be overcome with courage determination and belief in one's own worth part four meaningful questions for reflection as we begin to wrap up this episode I'm going to leave you with some meaningful questions to reflect on.

These questions are designed to help you gain deeper insight into the roots of your self-doubt and to empower you to take action in overcoming it. Number one, what are the earliest memories of self-doubt that I can recall? How have these memories shaped my current beliefs about myself? Reflecting on these early memories can help you identify the roots of your self-doubt. And begin to challenge limiting beliefs that are holding you back.

Number two, what unrealistic expectations am I holding on to and how can I start to let them go? Identifying and challenging unrealistic expectations can free you from the pressures of perfectionism and allow you to develop a more compassionate, realistic view of yourself. Number three, in what areas of my life do I compare myself to others and how can I shift my focus to my own progress and achievements.

Limiting comparison and focusing on your own journey can help you build confidence and reduce self-doubt. Number four, how can I reframe failure as a learning opportunity rather than a reflection of my own worth? Embracing failure as a natural part of the learning process can help you overcome self-doubt and develop resilience. Number five, what are my strengths and achievements and how can I regularly affirm my worth?

Regularly affirming your worth can help you build a strong foundation of self-confidence and reduce the power of self-doubt. Take some time to journal these questions and see what insights emerge. Remember, self-awareness is the first step towards transformation. Part five, recommended resources. Before we close, I want to share some resources that can support you in overcoming self-doubt and building lasting confidence.

These books offer valuable insights, practical strategies, and inspiration for anyone looking to develop a stronger, more confident sense of self. Number one, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. This book is a must-read for anyone struggling with perfectionism and self-doubt, Brené Brown offers practical advice on embracing your imperfections and living a more authentic life. Her work is grounded in research and filled with relatable stories and actionable steps.

Number two, Mindset, the new psychology of success by Carol S Dweck. Carol Dweck's work on the power of growth mindset is incredibly powerful. This book will help you shift your perspective from self-doubt to self-belief by teaching you how to embrace challenges, learn from criticism, and persist in the face of setbacks. 3. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach This book offers a compassionate approach to self-doubt and teaches you how to accept yourself fully, flaws and all.

Tara Brash's teaching combined mindfulness and self-compassion providing a pathway to greater peace self-acceptance and confidence you'll find links to these books in the description, and also check out my resource page at nephewalness.com forward slash resources I highly encourage you to check them out and see how they can support you on your journey to greater confidence and self-assurance. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Beyond Doubt and Leashing Confidence.

Remember self-doubt is something we all experience but it doesn't have to control our lives.

By understanding its fruits and taking practical steps to overcome it we can unlock our full potential and live the confident fulfilling for the lives we deserve if you enjoyed today's episode please subscribe leave a review and share it with someone who might benefit from this message and don't forget to check out nephew wellness.com forward slash resources for more tools insights and recommendations until next time keep believing in yourself and unleashing your confidence you've got this bye.