#41 - Boundaries Quick Tips #3 | Demands & Requests: What’s the Difference?

Thanks to all the listeners for the great feedback and questions you’ve been submitting. This episode is a response to a listener’s question about the difference between demands and requests. Tune in to learn about the difference between the two, and whether it’s possible to create a boundary with another person without making a request.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #41:

• Almost everyone struggles around knowing the difference between demands and requests. Even if you feel you understand the difference intellectually, it can be easy—and tempting—to use demands rather than requests.
• A request involves asking politely, respectfully, or formally for something. A demand is a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you.
• If you confuse creating a boundary with making demands or making a request, you will be in trouble. Creating a boundary with another person requires that you have an agreement with that person.
• Even if you have very good reasons to be concerned about your spouse, every adult has a right to make the choices they want to make, even when their choices are behaviors that may not be healthy for them.

Highlights from Episode #41:

• Welcome to a quick-tips episode that was inspired by a listener’s question, which Vicki paraphrases. [00:40]
• Vicki starts her answer to the listener’s question by defining requests and demands, and shares an example of a request that her husband made of her. [04:54]
• We learn why confusing boundaries and demands is problematic. [07:43]
• Demands are often made when a person is feeling anxious or very attached to the outcome, Vicki explains. [10:16]
• Vicki makes a couple of comments about specific aspects of the listener’s question. [12:01]
• What do you do when your spouse is engaging in unhealthy behaviors like eating too much, eating junk food, or smoking. [14:48]
• Vicki offers advice for when your spouse thinks they’re a victim when you are not in fact breaking an agreement. [19:25]

Links and Resources:

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
• 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action!
• Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution