Doing Good Together: Kind Acts as a Family with MiaLisa Millares EP 375

I am going to be interviewing Maya. Lisa miliaris of Doing Good Together, which is a nonprofit based in the Twin Cities that is focused on helping people raise kind and involved kit so lots of information and resources for how people can raise children who are empathetic, who want to make a difference in the world, and also projects and things for people who want to volunteer together as a family. So, Sarah, I'm curious you guys do much

in the way of volunteering. Our kids have done projects of that sort.

Like the kids do this thing called market Day, which teaches them a lot of skills, but then they donate the proceeds to causes of their choice and they have to research that and they actually like send in the money and feel good about that, which is nice. And then on a more experiential level, there's just a ton of like cross age mentoring that goes on. And I think this is very like Montessorian I guess to some extent, is that like truly service in terms of like helping

those outside your sphere. I don't know if that's different than what our guest talks about, but I love the idea of like older kids going into a little kid classroom and helping with reading or helping with projects and things of that sort. And that's just sort of like a natural part of what is expected from you. And I really really love that.

have done a few things. Jasper volunteered with a vacation Bible camp this summer at our church. He was helping with one of the younger groups there. Ruth is going to do that the next summer. Both of them have volunteered in the four year old Sunday school class with me as well. So this see what you're talking about with doing the service for younger members of your community. Jasper maybe doing a more extensive service project this fall,

which he's getting involved in. I can't really talk about the details of that at the moment, but he's been applying for that and it's been a lot of training involved in doing that. So that's great. But I think what was so cool about Miley Say's advice when I did this interview is how you can get involved without going to official events or organizations, which again has the barrier of not necessarily even being able to take children

under age eight or so. She had tips for things you can do at home, like projects you could do as a family that would be helpful for places, just ways to talk with kids about being more empathetic about thinking about problems and to start this conversation. So that was, you know, a lot of food for thought, and I think people will come up with some useful tips out of this interview. So hope you will give it a

listen and we'll go to Maya Lisa Miliaris. Well, Sarah and I are delighted to welcome Maya Lisa Miliaris to the program. She is the executive director of Doing Good Together, based in the Twin Cities. So me, Liisa, could you introduce yourself to our listeners.

have three kids myself. My kiddos are twelve years old, nine years old, and five years old, and so this kind of work just folds into my life beautifully because I'm always looking for really good ways to show kindness and give back with my own family, and it really gives me an opportunity to kind of do that work with my own kids and also let others benefit from that. So I've really been excited to find this position and to continue this great work. And my staff is just

wonderful and coming up with great ideas. So I hope that you'll be able to take some good ideas away from this podcast.

so it shows up a lot. But our programs are parenting with Purpose, So that's kind of our first program, and the idea of this is that we want to provide people with ways to incorporate kindness daily into their lives. And so we have kind of a section there on how do you do that? What does that look like? Talk more about what that is kind of as we

go on, Laura. Then we also have a booklist, So we've got booklists that are really categorized for busy parents who want to try to really boost their kids reading in mindfulness or empathy or social justice. So we have a curated list that's available at the library or that you could purchase on Amazon if you wanted to and just be able to get that booklist. And we have

conversation starters. We all know that we're busy, and so having this opportunity to just kind of like, hey, these are some vetted books, here's some great conversations that we can have after a long day. It just kind of helps parents to be able to do that efficiently and effectively. And then we have different kinds of projects that are listed on our website and they're all projects that you can do from home very easily with minimal time, but

a lot of impact. And there are ways to give back in and it's kind of starter projects, right, like ideas of how to do this in a very easy kind of way to just fold into your family life. Kind of our first program and I send out a newsletter monthly that kind of tags to these different ideas that we have, and we have quite a deep bench of opportunities and ideas and things like that, because we've been around for twenty years, so we're actually celebrating our

twentieth anniversary this year, so that's kind of exciting. Our second program is family service fairs, So we actually provide in a couple of places in person, So in the Twin Cities and in Miami, we do these family service fairs where kids and families come together, usually at a community center or a school, sometimes even a private organization

that's looking to have something for their staff. We'll do these popourri of different kinds of opportunities, and that way kids get kind of an introduction to different ways to give back that are meaningful and kind of crafty that they can do with their parents and the really geared

for kids kind of four through twelve. So we do that with in person, as I said, in the Twin Cities in Miami, but we also actually do consulting throughout the rest of the Nation on how to do that, and we even have some DIY guides and how you

can do that yourself. So really kind of great ways to kind of introduce volunteering in a meaningful way and get kids to get the depth and breadth of different types of opportunities because kids, just like adults, have their specialty of what they want to do to give back, right, so it kind of gives them an opportunity to have

that breadth of experience. Our third program is actually volunteer Opportunities, So we actually put out a listing in ten different metro areas of curated volunteer opportunities that exist for families

to go volunteer together. So, Laura, it is super easy to find volunteering on your own, but when you want to go with your kids, it gets more complicated, right, you have to you know, there aren't as many opportunities, So we curate that list to take the legwork out for parents so they can know they get a nice opportunity and there's a number of different choice is that they have that they can choose from. It. It populates Senior Inbox monthly, so we have that great program and

then we have a membership as our last program. Since we've been around for so long, we have lots of different projects that we've done with different organizations, with museums or professional organizations that asked us to do special projects or create a workbook, and so we usually co brand that and put it into our kind of membership kit. So if families want to become members they have kind of a greater number of resources.

a door. It can be helping someone by picking up something if they drop it. It can be very simple kinds of act that caring. It can also be going further right, having that piece of empathy, that idea that you can kind of flip your perspective one point eighty and be able to see something from someone else's perspective.

And that's something that we know is kind of a developmental milestone for kids, and that we as parents are guiding and helping that along and trying our best to practice that sort of empathy muscle with our kids as we go. And so I think Karen can look a lot of different ways. It's really interesting our theoretical kind of underpinnings. And I don't want to bore you with a lot of data, so I'll get you just a sound by on this. But the idea is that there

was a study from Harvard a while ago. Basically it's said that what parents want more than anything, they want kids that care, they want kids that are good people. They want them to care and to do good right. But in that same study, it's said that kids believed that their parents actually wanted more than anything high grades and achievement. So is that interesting? There's this rhetoric gap between what parents actually want most of all and what

kids believe that the parents want. And so when we have a rhetoric gap like that, we have to stop and think and say, well, why is that? I wonder what that is? And of course I don't want to diminish the fact that academics is very important for kids, right, especially I come from Minnesota. Right, there's some great disparities in academics. We want to be really careful about saying

how important that is. But at the same time it has to go hand in hand with caring with kindness, right, And so we have to think about what do we do as parents that might shape that image to our children, and how do we fix that? How do we shift so that kids realize that being caring is really something that we all do want absolutely.

I don't know if this is something that people have or not, if there are people who are more naturally gifted on this front than others. I, with my broad observation, maybe that that is true. But what can we actually do to nudge our children maybe more toward the empathetic side wherever they happen to be on the continuum themselves.

And that can be as simple as if you have time as a family to sit down at some point for dinner or breakfast together, if that's a possibility for your life, taking a moment at the start of that to just take a breath together, right, to just say, all right, we've had busy days, We're coming to this space. Let's just stop for a second, and let's just take a breath together. It can be that simple to kind of change the tone of how we are. It's amazing

breathing can really help in that way. Next it would be to kind of use that time to take a moment in that space together to reflect a little bit about your day and about gratitude, and even shift to your older kids being able to kind of lead that sort of a check in with your family, Right, how are you today, how did everything go? Is there anything you're grateful for? Or even turning it to a future focused what are you going to do next week to help people? What are you going to do to be

kind next week? So just that's shift to just take a few minutes out of that time. Another great space that I love to kind of advocate for working toward empathy and having great conversations is the car. I don't know if you have that situation as well, Laura, but I spend a lot of time driving my children around to various things, and so spending time in the car being able to reflect a little bit during that kind of dead time is really a great way to spend

time together and to really use our time wisely. So I like doing that kind of reflecting on that, having a gratitude journal that kids can reflect in on a regular basis is a great way. So starting with kind that self care and that gratitude piece I think is

a great trainer for empathy. Then I would say the third thing would be kind of working toward reading, right, So using those books to help kids expand their context and to be able to really focus on whatever topic it is that you're wanting, whether it's kindness or empathy. Reading is just an incredible way for kids to be able to engage and to be able to just get a different context and to start thinking about things from

a different perspective. Followed by, of course, conversation and having those little conversations with your kids about the book is really helpful and that will help them to place the

care that you're giving. When you do some kind of a volunteer piece, right, whether you're volunteering at home or doing something as a family, or helping out with chores, or even going outside the home and doing some kind of a volunteer activity, those are really great ways to kind of connect and be able to build that muscle.

kept for me. When they have a beautiful picture, I love to take that already done project, right, something that they've spent time and really given some thought into and done a beautiful job, and to allow that to kind of less someone else. Right, go into a community and really really help with so like a nursing home or assisted living facility. There are actually practical ways to do

this too. As a parent. You can set up a little magic mail center where you have scissors and crayons and markers, and we have even an already printable sheet with addresses on where you can send to different nonprofits that accept this beautiful artwork. So your kids can actually take their own artwork and their own time that they're already doing this and do something great with their beautiful artwork.

It's not extra time for the family, but it's an opportunity to give back in a meaningful way that really really helps everyone. Kind of in the situation another great neighbor.

of part of your daily life. So kind of adding to the things that already exist in your life to add a spin of kindness and a twist of giving back. Would you like some more.

helping sometimes with food assembly. I know there are places here in Minnesota where that food assembly can be as young as five years old, and kids get that opportunity to kind of work together outside and create a great meal for lots of folks. We even have kind of adopted pantry sort of options. It's a great one too. This one's kind of a hybrid between at home and

going out. But each time you go shopping, you know, bringing something that might be on a food list from a pantry that's close by to your house, so that you have that list printed because they really do need specific food for those pantries, So making that a time to call with your child and see what that list is, and that way you have it when you go food shopping, or when you do your order, intentionally putting an extra can or two in there so that you're filling up

a bag to be able to build a relationship with a foodshelf. Going to nursing homes is a great one as well. Being able to bring kids with you can really be a cheerful kind of shift for folks that are really lonely and just a chance to just enjoy each other's company. When it's something like that, it's hard

to tell whether you're really giving or receiving, right. I mean, it's such a beautiful friendship and kind of relationship that you can build with some of the elders in that community that it can be a really wonderful experience for folks together. Additionally, things like doing Valentines and creating a great party for your kids where they're creating valentines for a community to really brighten someone's day as a wonderful

opportunity as well. So lots of different things exist, and our listings show tons of different opportunities, from environmental ones to working with animals, creating dog toys and cat toys and things like that for various communities. It just there's lots of different ways to contribute to just finding them, and we try to take the legwork out of that.

I love caring person to kind of show that philanthropic kind of generosity. It creates someone who's actually going to be a philanthropist in the future. So one of the things that I like to do is to first talk to kids and say that you know, everyone at some point in their lives is going to need some help in some way. Right, at some point in our lives, we're all going to have a chance to be able to give in some way, right, So it's important to first know that we all need help at some point,

and we're all going to give at some point. And I don't mean just money, right, like in a broad spectrum, but then to kind of narrow that down and to think a little bit about how we spend our money. So there's ways to kind of section off. When kids have some money that they might want to save, you can kind of take and put it in different categories so that this is spend and this is saved, and this is donate, right, So that's a great way to

do to do that. But then I like to have the kids actually create a little giving box, something that can be an upcycled sort of little project, a box or a container of some kind, and make it really beautiful, and then work with your kids to figure out what is their passion because you know, we all like to give to various and different causes, right, we really want to focus on what's important to us, right, donors, adults, owners as well, and so trying to find your kid's passion.

What is it that they're really passionate about. Are they passionate about helping kids? Are they passionate about helping elders, about the environment, about animals? Whatever it is? Right, and help them to figure out what that is, and that can be done through reading and talking with them and giving them some of the experiences, and then have them save their money in that little way to give back so that they're able to kind of take their change

and make an impact in some way. So I think that's a really really simple and easy way for parents to kind of help.

hits the road when it comes to empathy. And maybe some tips for our listeners about how to talk with their kids about the topic, not so much that the kids are a bully themselves or are being bullied, but if they're aware of it happening, how they can help create an environment that's more supportive of everyone.

like have you ever felt excluded? How did it feel you know, have you ever noticed someone else who was excluded? Did you say anything to them to try to make them feel better? You know, how can we make others

feel included? What does inclusion look like? Right? So getting them really thinking about the idea of exclusion, because we've all felt that at some point in our lives, right, at some point, kids, little kids can even identify with that at some point, right, And so being able to have that kind of identification and a conversation about that really helps to ground it in something that they know and be able to get them thinking about how kindness can make a difference. What can you do to be

kind to someone else? How could you show kindness to someone who maybe is feeling excluded or is looking like they need a little bit of help. And then of course always talking to kids about the safety of talking to an adult as well, it is imperative in most cases, and bullying as well.

going apple picking. And there's just something about apple picking that makes it feel like fall. So apple picking is my love of the week this week. So how about you.

children feel included at school, all those wonderful things. So today's question is actually a version of a comment that was left on my blog, And this came after we had our seven year anniversary a best of both Worlds and talked about how we're trying to encourage people to believe that they can have the best of both worlds, that they can have a thriving and wonderful career, that they can have a happy family life, that there's no

contradiction between these two. And then we had this comment from somebody who was broadly wanted that and was having some practical issues with that. So, Sarah, maybe you can read this slightly compressed version of the comment.

She writes, I'm fully embracing the need for childcare, but finding someone to take my money is really challenging, and quite frankly, is making me question whether I can have the best of both worlds. She writes that her schools before and aftercare opened with a wait list, so no new family's gotten in and this is their second year in a row for that to happen. She also posted for an after school babysitter in four Facebook groups, reached out to many many others, friends and family, et cetera,

but could not find anyone. There are some local grandparents that can help, but not on a regular basis. So right now what they're doing as cobbling together some days with a neighbor. But it's very challenging due to kids' sports schedules, and the mental load of having to keep it all straight is a lot, and it's all falling on the person who wrote this comment. So she wrote this is to say that trying to figure all this out and maintain full time working hours as school starts

has proven impossible. She wants it to be a success story of how we can make it all work, but right now it feels out of reach. Oh so so so hard.

get an infant spot in these places. Which the problem is then some people, some well meaning people, tell young women having their first baby, well, why don't you just wait and see how you feel like if you want to go back to work, And it's like, well, if you wait to see how you feel, if you feel like going back, you will not have a spot if you want, you know, daycare for young children, and so the choice is going to possibly be made for you.

So that's not really great advice. This is not this particular listener's issue, but one thing we do always want people to check is to make sure that you are paying both a little bit above at least the going rate.

So figure out what truly people are getting paid for nanny jobs in your area, and then make sure whatever you're offering is going to be a bit over that in order to get more people who are interested in because obviously some of this is just an economics issue that if you pay enough, you can almost always find somebody. The problem is the amount you might have to pay may make no sense for what this is if it's a certain sort of job market wherever you happen to be.

So you know, we understand that this is this is complicated, and yeah, it's unfortunate. Sarah, what would your thoughts on this?

I don't think there are quite so many options. But like where we happen to be, there you could always do like the JCC has aftercare and the dance place has aftercare, and there's like there's such a market for it. And I guess two working parents is so common here and part of the culture that I think there's like been economics that have grown to support that even if

you're not hiring an individual. And so the sad truth is that it may be very geographical and if you live somewhere where almost everyone has a very highly paid like full time nanny and there's usually only one person working in many families. I could see how maybe you wouldn't have the growth of these kind of industries and then you're stuck. Or it's sort of like just the community's grown very very fast and the area hasn't been

able to keep up with that kind of demand. Because you said there is a program, and yet it's sold out in like two seconds.

be helpful. And then even thinking about whether if there are a lot of other peop people in the same boat, could people get together and create some kind of group situation. But all this is like a lot of work, and I just want to acknowledge that this does totally suck.

You know, we often warn people that school is not childcare, you know, on this program, like it's not set up to be that, and that's what people are sometimes surprised that it doesn't match working hours, and some districts feel no obligation to do anything about the fact that working

hours are different from what their school is offering. But I would hope that people who are presum in the business to serve children would be doing their best to get the funding to establish you know, or working with contractors to establish more before and after care programs and to offer more slots in order to meet the demand of the ones of the kids who are there. Because yeah, this is a problem a lot of people have, and it's there needs to be the industry of solutions and

ideally lots of options. As Sarah was saying, like you could go to the JCC, you could go to the y, you could go to maybe a church offers something. Maybe you know there's a gym near you that has an aftercare program or whatever, or that there's two different things that are going on at school, and so you could choose an after school club track or just a more of an everyday games and stuff track. That's what it should look like, and I'm very sorry that in your

community it doesn't. So we're giving a real empathy and we hear you. We hear you, and we hope you come up with a solution. Just I would say one upside is eventually the kids are older, you know, and this becomes less of an issue. For kids who are

say twelve and older. Often there are more activities after school, like at the middle school level, so they could go join us sport and stay after every day till four forty five and take the activity bus home, and then you no longer have that issue and they can stay by themselves too, so you do aid age out of it. Eventually, Fingers crossed you find a solution that works all right.