Music. This is Belonging, a podcast that explores being alive in the age of loneliness. I'm your host, Becca Piestrelli, a writer, mother, and community tender currently living on the ancestral lands of the Coast Miwok people in present-day Marin County, California. In this show, we explore topics like rites of passage, cultivating meaningful community, seasonal and cyclical living, and what it means to be a good ancestor in these times.
I have thought-provoking conversations with friends, teachers, elders, and ancestral medicine keepers to help support you in bringing more meaning and connection to your life. I also pop in here and there to share updates and learnings from my own story, because we were meant to do this together, cosmically holding hands as we walk the spiral of life. You can expect to be challenged by new or old ideas. Face your beliefs and what systems informed them.
Get curious and brave to tell the truth about the deeper, harder things and feel comforted in the knowing that you don't have to navigate it all alone. Music. Hello friend and welcome back to Belonging, the podcast. Becca P. Estrelli here.
And I'm sharing a solo episode today because I wanna talk about something that's a really important tool, practice, part of my life over the last decade that I get a lot of questions about, and used to teach about and then took some time away because I felt I had more to learn and have come back into a place of feeling ready to teach it again. And that is circle, the practice of circle.
Circle is a deeply, deeply important part of my life. The deeper I go with the people I do it with, the deeper I go with myself, and I actively see the way circling, can be a part of making the world better. Like circle can change the world is basically the line I say, and I know it can sound cliche, And I think a lot of us who are living in these times that can be filled with despair and talk of collapse and in all the ways that we feel challenged by the world as it is.
We're also seeking to feel re-enchantment. We're also seeking to feel a sense of promise. And I'm recording this with the beginnings of spring here in the Northern Hemisphere in late March where I live. And I can feel in my bones, this movement from the despair that sometimes comes in winter that needs to be felt and and moved and processed and composted into the earth. Feel that that freaking addicting feeling of spring coming again, the promise of new life,
and that sense of like, oh, another, another turn on the wheel, another spiral. And what have I
learned and who have I become and what is next for me. And so I have for over a decade now been circling in various ways with one very specific circle for eight years and in other circles for or shorter, and some of them have completed, and I'll talk about that, and some of them have changed and shifted, and what that practice has done for me is helped me see how in this new spring, I am different from springs of the past, and a lot of that has to do with circle. Okay, so what is circle?
Let's start there, because I remember 10 years, 11 years ago, I was Becca, the corporate marketing gal, and a tech company in San Francisco who was blogging about dabbling. That's when I was known as the dabblist on the side and really feeling dreamlike and longing and yearning for a different way of being, for a different depth of relationship with friends, a different experience of purpose in my life.
And I signed up for this retreat. It was called Live Free Retreat, and it was hosted by my now really good friends. They were not my really good friends. They were like these stars to me, Sarah Jenks and Nisha Moodley. I've had Nisha on the podcast a couple of times, and they were both like life coaches who hosted a weekend retreat up here in wine country, California, to take a look at the ways we wanted to live our lives differently.
And so I signed up, it was like the most money I've ever spent on myself in that way. Now it's like such a part of my life, but I just wanna note that those of us who are like, wow, this is a big step for disposable income or reallocating of funds or a way of looking at investing in yourself, I went. And it was just a really beautiful experience intentional gathering with a purpose, with a center. I'll talk about a circle
center in a moment. It felt deeply held and I experienced witnessing, which is the sacred, sacred experience of telling my truth to people who weren't trying to fix me or give me advice. They were a yes to my tears. And made some lifelong friends there and ended up working with both Sarah and Nisha and then
becoming really good friends with them and them working with me and here we are now. That's a such an abridged version of my journey but the point I wanted to make is I remember there were, women there who I very much made to mean that they were like more advanced than me and further on their journey and spiritually more, I don't know, attuned and they knew the language. I remember being in that room and being like, I don't know half the things you're saying. Like jargon,
this is a whole thing in communities. It's very common to create a common jargon, which I read the book Cultish by Amanda Montel, which helped me understand that jargon, which naturally comes about in a community space or a space of like-mindedness or like-heartedness can be sometimes weaponized to create a sense of false belonging. So I'm always so
conscious, I try to always be conscious of the words I use and to try to de-jargonize them. And sometimes I do use these words that are jargon, like I use the word circle. Okay just a story. I remember sitting at a table with a woman
who I just perceived to be so powerful. She was a coach and she started talking talking to me about things being good medicine, and I was like, you know when you just don't wanna seem like a fool, and so you go, uh-huh, and you pretend you understand something when you're like, what are you? I said, I love cows. I said, I love cows. Because there were like cows on the property nearby this hotel. And I said, I just love cows. And she said, cows are really good medicine.
And I was like, uh-huh. In my mind, I was like, what? And of course, now I understand what she meant. Like to be with a cow, the energy of a cow, the spirit of a cow. You know, this is sort of like our innate earth-based indigenous ways is to have an understanding of like the animus world around us and the way that different like energies of different animus things, things that are alive,
which is everything, impact us and nourish us. So that was kind of funny. But I remember there was another woman sitting next to this woman who was talking about circle and she'd use circle like as a noun, like, and then a verb and she'd be like, circle. I love circle. My work is circle. Circle. We gather and we circle. I have circle. And I was like, what do you mean? I literally don't get it. But I liked what she was saying. That turned out to be Sora Soriano, who is.
Now Sora Schilling of devotedway.com, who taught and teaches circle actively. And so So she and I decided to host a gathering we call the Sisterhood Soiree in San Francisco in January 2014. It was really special for me and she taught me a lot about what a circle is. So simply put, circle is an intentional gathering of people in a physical sitting or standing of a circle shape with a common intention or purpose.
There's a lot of other things I can say about what makes a circle, and I'm here to tell you about this course, this program that I have coming out called Circle Craft, where I share more about that. But that's really powerful. The shape of a circle is in itself egalitarian. It's in itself shared leadership.
It's in itself a place where there is no hierarchy. Hierarchy can happen in circle, but the shape itself is one that brings about what I would now term matriarchal ways of being as opposed to patriarchal ways of being which might be more like teacher-student, like a teacher at the front and then students sitting and the teacher standing, you know, these are sort of ways to show power over and I'm not making that wrong in a teacher
setting. I'm just saying that shape of a circle brings about that feeling in a space. So I started sitting in circles a lot more and it very, very quickly through sacred intention, through well-held containers. Container is another term that took me a long time to figure out what it meant. Container being like an energetic space that feels held and somewhat safe or committed to being safer as opposed to being in a space that doesn't feel held, that feels like things would go wrong,
that feels leaky. So I was in more containers that were circle-shaped group gatherings. As someone who's loved dinner parties and parties, this just felt like one step better, one step deeper. And also brought about these, what I would, I called waking visions or or scenes in my mind of how we as women, and women feminine allies used to be, used to gather. In fact, I would have these, what I would call visions all the time. And I would obsessively talk about it.
And it's actually what moved me from being the blogger dabblist who was sharing like DIY and herbalism on the internet and Pinterest to what I'm doing today, which is facilitation and circle leading and teaching about village tending and also living that medicine in my life.
Because it just became such an obsessive, what I would call remembering, because it felt so visceral in my bones of like our grandmothers, or maybe not our grandmothers, but our great, great, great, great, great, great grandmothers our ancestors would sit at the kitchen table, would sit in circle, would gather in the forest, would... And what would they be doing? Would they be mending? Would they be cooking? Would they be helping people birth?
Would they be helping people recover from sickness? Would they be telling stories? Would they be singing songs? It just felt like, wait. I grew up in a culture and a family system that really aspired to that which the overculture taught us. Which was individualist success, nuclear family, isolated living, no mention of a village. In fact, you can't really trust people to help you. You've got to figure it out by yourself. And you leave each other alone. That's the respectful thing to do.
And yet, when I thought about this idea of gathering, particularly gathering of women, although that's not exclusively what I believe is important to a healthy culture, but it is something that this is specifically relating to and specifically important for me in my life. And the women gather. There's power there, there's magic. And also this is what got me into hearth witch and kitchen witching and cooking again and herbalism and a real passion for what I'd call hearth magic.
Because that was a reframing of like what I don't know like second wave feminism might have told me, you know, as a child of the 80s is not feminist, is not powerful. That handcraft, right. Is not as powerful as like bossing it up in the C-suite. And again, I'm not making one exclusive
to the other, but I found myself feeling like, but actually there's a secret here. As I was in my heels up in the high rise in San Francisco obsessively looking and researching and reading all about these ancestral feminine ways, these are terms I'm using, these old ways. I just felt like my whole body say there's power in the gathering and there's power in the circling and that that's the beginning I
think for me. So then I've circled, I've taught circling, I've held circles, I've been held in circles for a long time and well it's kind of hard and I want to name that because I think a lot of us have a desire for that arriving at the destination right of feeling held, of feeling safe, of feeling like we can be vulnerable, of feeling magic, of feeling group ritual, of feeling a sense of enchantment, of feeling a sense of collaboration, of community, a sense of equality.
A sense of rest and ease with each other. And of course we are human beings who have inherited. Stories and trauma. It's been passed down through us epigenetically. It's been actually experienced in family systems, in friendships. Betrayal is definitely the story of women gathering too. And so to be in circle is to be in a commitment to healing that within ourselves and with each other. And so it is a courageous act to circle.
And I know a lot of us see on the like hashtag sister circle vibe, you know, you know, the like flower crowns and full moon howling and gauzy white dresses and, you know, macrame kimonos and the candles lit in the forest. And yeah, I've definitely done that and do that. It's so great. And I think there's there is a bypassing we want to do, which makes total sense because who wants to do the hard thing? Right? Humans are wired to avoid pain, to stay alive, the primitive parts of our
brains. But you can't bypass in a deeply well circle, you can't bypass challenge, you can't bypass trigger. Because if there's anything I've learned in circle is that we are mirrors for each other. I'll never forget I was in a circle where a woman, I perceived her to be high need, I perceived her to be desiring a lot of attention, and I felt so triggered by that. I felt so judgmental of that. And I've had different versions of that, but I laugh about
this woman because she's now just like such a beloved of mine. And I realized those expressions of her that I was challenged by were parts of me asking to be looked at and healed, right? That's like the gift of jealousy or the gift of judgment. This is actually a light shining on the
parts of you that want to be seen and encouraged and healed. And so I tell people like, if they're like, oh, this one woman in this circle or this program, I'm like, I don't know, she might become I'm your best friend. Just, that's a possibility if you stay with it. My point was a lot of people desire that feeling, that end experience of feeling safe and connected, deep, deep kinship and intimacy. And there's a lot of baggage or real deal trauma that prevents them from even trying.
And so I wanna name those, like experiencing malicious gossip. Telling the gossip or being on the receiving end of the gossip being about you, betrayal, lying, cheating, a sense that you can't trust each other. I've experienced these too. Some people have experienced it in a really harsh way. And there's like, there's like the reason you feel bad, right? You feel bad because your friend told a secret about you to someone else and betrayed your trust, right?
That's a reason to feel hesitant or nervous or hypervigilant about circling, about joining or leaving a circle. But there's also a deeper historical context. If you know me, you know I'm always going to map it back to history because that helps me in moments of like, why can't I move through this feeling or why can't I overcome this fear? Why is it still present? to bring some grace and understanding to the historical context of why we are where we are.
We've read my book Root and Ritual. I spend a lot of time talking about our severing from the natural world, the living world, and our severing from each other so that we believe the only way to really quote be successful and thrive in this culture is alone, which is so not true.
We are wired for connection. There's actually a very specific point in history that because of colonization impacts every single one of us on this earth that in particular has created what can can be called the sister wound, or the wound of basically tearing women. When I use the word women. It's not an exclusive term. I include all those who identify as women and folks who are non-binary, basically people who don't identify as cis men. And that time is the burning times. And maybe
you know about it, maybe you don't. It's pretty heavy stuff. The place I learned about it originally is this book I talk about often. I'm going to be talking about it on my next episode with Bear and it's called Caliban and the Witch by Sylvia Federici. And I learned about it in graduate school and then it keeps coming up as a place to understand, the history, basically the history of capitalism and its impact on the female body and the human body in general.
But I also have learned from many teachers including Starhawk in The Spiral Dance, a great book and also a former teacher of mine, Liz Miliarelli. And the Burning Times is a, well, some would say, I have a teacher, Rain Crow, would say the Burning Times never ended. And that is really the point here. But the acute experience of the Burning Times was about 400 years, and it all began in the 1400s.
Certainly the notion of subjugating women and this creation of women being evil because of carnal desire is as old as basically these systems of power that I would call the church or patriarchal capital R religious um systems of power but the 1400s is when um Malleus Malithicarum came out in 1486 which was a papal decree of witchcraft so I feel a lot of attachment and um real connection to this term witch but this is not an episode teaching about witch this is an episode that is talking about
the perversion of the word witch to manipulate and harm and kill women and women's power. So Malleus Maleficarum is also called the hammer of the witches. And it was by Dominicans Kramer and it came out in Germany and it was basically the groundwork for the reign of terror all throughout Europe. I mean that really gripped well into the 17th century and then moved through colonization to all
colonies all over the world not just in modern-day North America. And one of the things it says is no woman having power of self-possession allowed and that a woman who was not a witch was quiet, docile, and submissive otherwise they were hysterical, which created this idea of mass hysteria, which then leads to this whole understanding of the origin of hysterectomy.
And also this is the origin for the modern industrial beauty standards, because there was a belief that a, I don't know, a saintly godly woman, basically a non-witch would not have any sort of marks on their body. And so not only was it normalizing white European features, which is even a certain part of Europe, not only because all of European people look very different, but also that they were or free of moles or freckles.
And there's a lot more you can read about the burning times. It is heavy stuff. It's also, I think, vital, a part of history for us to understand. And the reason I'm bringing it up is because the legacy of the burning times are still felt today. The most acute way to talk
about it is mass incarceration. Again, this is not an episode on mass incarceration, but I really want to plant the seeds for how much this time in history has pervaded things that really cause harm and have us turn on each other to cause harm and create violence and suffering and despair upon each other as humans. Because entire villages of women were wiped out. The number I keep seeing is 9 million women and their allies. It seems about of the 9 million,
80% of them were women. And so I like to think when I feel really grounded. I'm gonna take a deep breath right now because I can feel myself trying to rush through this because it's hard to talk about. And I put myself in the position of my ancestors because my ancestors are European who were alive then, the ones that survived. What they must have had to do to survive, right?
They have had to turn on each other, would they have had to rat each other out, they have had to agree to never see each other again because a gathering of women was the most dangerous thing, for hundreds of years. Which is why circling is a vital lineage healing radical act in 2023 and beyond.
But I try to remind myself when I feel a sense of uncertainty and safety, anxiety around gathering with women or like a desire, some sort of trauma response that has to do with fawning, which I've talked about in recent episodes, like a desire for group harmony or a conflict avoidance.
To give myself grace and love and to rise into that inner wise woman who gathered with women and could navigate conflict far before for many many years many thousands of years many generations before the reign of witch terror on these ancestral lands of mine but they knew how and they that we could remember again and how does that happen it happens through practice, and it happens through navigating all the different things that come up and keeping that north star,
that vision always crystal clear in my mind in our minds of why circling is so vital. So this brings me to someone I consider a teacher although I've never met in person Jean Shinoda Bolin, who is a psychotherapist, a Jungian analyst, and an author of so many wonderful books, including Goddesses and Every Woman, Crossing to Avalon, which is one of my
favorite books to read if you're inspired to do pilgrimage. Recently, Crones Don't Lie, God's in every man, but the book that I am most deeply impacted by and the circle I've been a part of in the most devoted way for the last eight years, we all keep on our altars and use as the North Star is called the millionth circle, how to change ourselves in the world, Jean Shinoda Bowen. It's the essential guide to women's circles. um it reads more like a poem and it's something I go back to.
Again and again and so I want to explain why she calls it the millionth circle. And so Jean Shinoda Bolin wrote this book in 1999 and this was inspired, I guess she was inspired to write the book as she was writing Goddesses and Every Woman and it was also inspired by.
The hundredth monkey story which you can you can look up or maybe we'll provide a link to it in in the show notes that was really, it's an experiment with monkeys on remote islands, and showed that a group of monkeys started washing their sweet potatoes. And when they were washing their sweet potatoes, they were more likely to survive more. And then monkeys on a completely different island started washing their sweet potatoes.
And so it was this concept that if we could get to a million monkeys or a million group of monkeys, doing that then like that is proof that we can enact global change and so her her belief around, circles is, To bring humanity into a post-patriarchal era is when a critical number of people change how they think and behave, The culture does also in a new era begins and this is something I have seen and believe so deeply as well is,
true sustainable change doesn't happen quickly usually, it happens with slow and steady practice. And that there's ripple effect in that and that's how culture changes and that's how a new era begins. That's what can bring us to a more healed place. And there's also this Hobie prophecy that, also is interesting in its origins, that's the closest I can get to its origins, that says when, When all women give their blood back to the earth, all wars shall cease.
And that's about giving moon blood back to the earth. And I remember hearing that and feeling my whole body just sort of shudder and my eyes well up with tears.
So I feel like this idea of prophecy in cultures throughout the world that have to do with keeping to your individual practice, and it's spreading slowly out in ripple effects that once we achieve this vision of like all the women on the earth giving their blood back to the earth to cease wars or all if once we get to a million circles on earth we will be brought into the post-patriarchal era. There's something about that that keeps me in it, keeps me in the work,
and the work is circling. And so this is an invitation to you if you are desirous and curious about circling. I want to share more with you about it. So if you're listening to this in real time on Wednesday April 12th I'm hosting a free workshop where we're gonna chat more deeply about the number one thing people feel really caught up with that they share with me about how to start a circle.
And that is how to find your people, like how to find people to circle with, even if you live in a small town. So it's called the Art of Circle Invitation, how to find your people and call them in even when you think they don't exist, because it is truly an art, not just a to do list thing to do to call people in into this deeper experience of circling. That I have to tell you.
Most people want it. Most people want it. Even if at first they make you think that you're weird, that's just a coping mechanism for our overculture. People want it. People want to circle and gather in intentional ways. So you can go to the show notes or BeccaPAustralia.com slash art of circle, art dash of dash circle, to sign up if you aren't signed up already because I've probably been talking about it a lot.
So you can do that. And then I have a six week program coming up called Circle Craft, a guided journey to bring your circle from idea to reality. So if you are curious and ready to stop wishing and start doing in an imperfect, beautiful way in a space that's held, because a lot of us want to feel held, so then we start the circles, and then who's holding us?
I'll talk about that. I'll teach about that. I'm going to teach about a circle with a center, what that means, how to hold your center, how to have a circle with a center. I'll talk about all the fears of what comes up in circle when a circle goes awry. And I'll talk about the secrets to a longevity of a circle, as far as I know, because I'm in the work doing it imperfectly.
I have a lot to share with you, but maybe just start with sitting with what I shared today, understanding that circle is vital and it is my goal and my vision to get us to a million circles around the world. And then consider coming to the workshop. If you can't join us live, you can join on the replay to learn more about the art of circle invitation. And if you're curious to witness in CircleCraft, Thank you so much for listening today and we'll see you next time, bye. Music.
Thank you so much for joining me. In a time when our attention is being pulled in so many different directions, it means a lot that you took time out of your day to spend it with me and in these important conversations. For show notes and links and more information about my guests, you can head to belongingpodcast.com. And if you'd like to hear more from me and get access to my free newsletter called Slow and Seasonal, you can head to beckapiestrelli.com slash subscribe.
Www.circlelineartschool.com.