Music. This is belonging a podcast that explores being alive in the age of loneliness I'm your host Becca piastrelli, a writer mother and Community tender currently living on the ancestral lands of the coast of Miwok people and present day Marin County California. In this show we explore topics like Rites of Passage cultivating meaningful community, seasonal and cyclical living and what it means to be a good ancestor in these times.
I have thought-provoking conversations with friends teachers elders and ancestral medicine Keepers to help support you in bringing more meaning and connection to your life. I also pop in here and there to share updates and learnings from my own story because we were meant to do this together cosmically holding hands as we walk the spiral of life.
You can expect to be challenged by New or Old ideas face your beliefs and what systems informed them, curious and brave to tell the truth about the deeper harder things and feel comforted in the knowing that you don't. Music. Hi friends welcome back to the belonging podcast it's Becca piastrelli here with a juicy episode with the one and only.
Tim piastrelli, my partner my husband someone I've been with for the last 17 years of my life and he has been a guest before he was a guest on episode 32 this was like three or four years ago that episode was called navigating marriage spiritual transformation which he life with Tim piastrelli and we thought we'd give you a little update on our life seeing as a lot has happened for us and the last several years having a baby deciding to shift the trajectory of Our Lives if you're not up to
date we bought a farm in the Hudson Valley of New York we have been in the process for the last several months of buying this property that really called to us I mean we've been looking for a while to see where our home is to see where we wanted to Leave the hustle and bustle of tech life that I left but Tim hasn't left yet, and our vision of buying land and building on it and living
more earth-paced life and maybe I'll share that story another day but we thought maybe it was in Vermont we thought maybe is in Colorado and then. This farm this property just magnetized us to it and at a time when we were just like kind of unavailable we had covid we were not well and yet still this place said come come here and so that has been happening behind the scenes over the past several months.
And now we are in the process of taking legal ownership, of the land and migrating our family from California to New York which we are taking a very slow migratory plan we have we have some privileged there to be able to move slow saying goodbye and feeling the grief of leaving California and really trying something new and saying well okay let's see what happens so I shared that last week on Instagram and too overwhelming response that gave me a total vulnerability hangover
but yeah I'll share more there as things move along but what I can say is we.
Have made the leap to have land and 10 animals and farm and raise our child in a very different space than where we are living now so we knew the farm was happening when I interviewed him this was like maybe six weeks to eight weeks ago and I interviewed him but we were not ready to share about it because we were like we weren't sure if it was going to happen and it was really intense and part of us were in denial about it
so you're going to hear us be like we're talking about maybe buying land and. The actual thing is we have done that but yeah I asked on Instagram for some questions for Tim and I took those and I asked him.
And we talked about the difference in each of us and our lives and our Paces Tim's origin story around growing up on a farm and and then navigating towards computers as a place of safety in a really chaotic home environment and how he's looking at the age of 40 at his identity not being about how much money he makes or what he does and how having a child impacted him how having a partner with postpartum mental health struggles impacted him and
and his experience with men's work and men's Retreats and how that has really opened him up and we're definitely a work in progress so I don't want this to turn into like, Becca and Tim share the secrets to, fill in the blank because I'm pretty protective and private about my partnership so this is like a big deal to be sharing this conversation with you and Tim was like pretty hesitant and then had a lot to say
and then had to listen just to really you know be careful with his words and really you know sees words as spells and. What I'm saying is I don't want to come modify my marriage, it's something so much deeper than that so this is a way to share a bit of my life that is very much in process and in progress like literally in process we are so just like figuring life out figuring how this next phase is going to go but it felt like you know a dispatch from the trail a Captain's Log if you will.
So yeah why don't you have a listen to what what he has to say in this conversation about a tech-paced into an earth-paced partnership and men's work with Tim piastrelli. Three years later after the last interview I did with you for the belonging podcast. My partner my husband Tim piastrelli for a while that episode was hot hot hot but basically I was interviewing you about what it's like to be married to me and like. How you.
As a person who's very different from me view me and view my work so here we are three years later and this is people have been asking to have you back. Also because I've been sharing about the transformation I personally have been going through and you've been going through your own transformation and we as a family have been going through our transformation. So we're here to chat about it welcome Tim piastrelli thanks Becca.
So where should we start I put out a little question box on Instagram and we got lots of questions I'd say the hottest question we've got is how do I get my, my man my partner in. This work that I talked about and I'm into and I think there maybe this assumption that, you're into this work to are you into this work the work that you do or what do you mean right I don't even know what this work is spiritual connection.
Operating with intention a connection to ancestors in the land are you into this work. Yeah I think it's different for everybody for me I would say having integrity and more intention. And I guess belonging is something that I look at that I'm going to Journey with you in yeah do you feel like I dragged you into it. Mommy I think you helped educate me into I want to say dragged into it so what got you into it. Um so your question I mean I think since 2013 and your journey.
I've just been having in 2013 that's when you quit corporate start of the dab list started doing the blog yeah. The life coach work yeah you're laughing because I had a long Meandering Journey. Through it that was frustrating for you at times and frustrating for us. Yeah definitely but also I think even a space is evolved a lot and as you evolve, and I was kind of a pessimist as some of it in the beginning oh yeah you were hardcore skeptical with the term life coach and those aspects.
Very fast forward last five or six years. As you continue the shift I just naturally gravitate around yourself like you your friends and the visuals and just having more of a conscious lifestyle of. Slowing down knowing when the speed up how the have presence. That's been very helpful for me physically mentally and also my career right and so just step you more into a leadership realm of having intention and.
Having belonging around you having people feel like they are belonged with you that's a word yeah so one thing I've. Been sharing about us and about you is our desire to step out of. Like the hustle culture our desire to step out of productivity hustle grind culture that has.
Hurt us in a lot of ways but also we've benefited from in a lot of ways and I've shared that we have thought about buying land and leaving, are you know San Francisco Tech lifestyle and and doing something different and I've shared that you've had that desire to I've also shared about how, you've had this really
fast-paced job that's contributed to trouble sleeping and and stress and that after we had Atlas you to go back to work really quick and it was really hard and and so one of the questions we've got was like what, has happened for you I mean the people know how I feel but what has happened for you internally to shift. Away from this like lifestyle this that we all are trying to keep up with that actually is hurting us and and look towards a different way of life even if you don't fully know.
I don't fly know what we're walking towards in the future but I know we're walking towards something different I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. I would say for my whole life I've been very.
Very fast paced I usually five six steps ahead over calculate and index and then really process data very quickly, it's been one of my strong suits it's also incredibly exhausting, I think also having probably eighty HD going to a room hearing 15 conversations at once and processing that data in parallel lets you know it's just a lot it's. Been a very productive aspect and whatever you want to call.
My corporate life and success there but being able to move quick and I would say you know at being 40 and now having Atlas slowing down. And having more time with hers just. That's a focus point for me so what do you think having her was the Catalyst yeah for sure it having our daughter was definitely the key there it's not the only thing though just natural burnout. Right being executive always being the top contributor driving teams.
Be in the tech industry not just like typical software Tech but cutting-edge autonomous vehicles from Hardware or software there's just a lot going on there, yeah you're literally building robots and treating being expecting each other to be robots.
Yeah and you know doing the death marches which essentially a Turman, the software industry they say that yeah it's a Death March which is we don't actually do that all the time but, that happens where you are grinding 18-hour days and working on the weekends to hit product release or deadlines for board or new Investments or just.
Just agreed upon releases and so that's just the culture we live in with inside of tech you know it's not always that bad but, it can be rough right so just getting out of that for me just seems like the right thing to do at some point, he said that your you've always sort of been fast-paced your whole life do you want to share any reasons why you think that is I don't know I'm just I've always been.
Really quick to the draw when people are explaining something is picking it up and jumping ahead.
Being able to move fast I mean from being a young kid very isolated only being friend as a computer for actually can you share why I think it's important to share for people listening who really know me and like, always talk about like earth-paced and slowing down I think it's probably interesting for people to hear that I am, in partnership with a person who who's like some major soothing mechanism as a child was computers I mean.
Yeah I've been on my on a computer at a very young age of like 9 and, been very fascinated with how you can manipulate and inputs or outputs and what you can do there and then not really having a lot of friends and being bullied and just being stuck on this thing. I learned a lot and I was fascinated with going quick and making changes and just also my behavior my patterns of wanting to.
Always optimize and do something better faster more efficient Mass has been my whole life but what was what was before the computers you lived on a ranch oh yeah yeah I grew up on a farm. Apple orchard with all some Vineyards with your literal Italian grandfather. Great grandfather great-grandfather showing you the ways of your ancestors yeah and that was like amazing from as early as I can pry remember like three and a half or four and so about.
67 and then we had to leave the ranch because of a horrible divorce and. Move to a place Suburbia town from there and then was kind of thrown another whole realm of just. Finally we typical Suburbia right and as long as I've known you you speak of those the of living on the farm with such. Belonging with such like happiness it was it felt good to you.
Yeah we can go outside at five years old and just drive a tractor and digging dirt and climb up trees and go raid the vegetable garden and play with the animals and, rinse and repeat and really took a. Freedom Lawless environment if it's a lot of fun yeah yeah I'm sure I give my mom a little heart attacks but but yeah it's a lot of fun growing up in that and being dirty and playing with your hands and. Yeah then going.
Well defined Suburbia with only box stores and the farmer markets or local markets or a town they're leaving knows each other it was weird yeah and the computers became the place to go yeah it was that side normalized that. And that was you know and also my when I really good still best friends. He was laying the computers that age too so him and I he actually introduced me because of his dad who was intact.
And that is really him and I are like two peas in a pod yeah it's already started so here you are 40 at 40 years old. Having reached like a an inflection point in your life you talked about hitting midlife. And making a lot of power relations with the limits of your body about.
Like the the culture that you work in about you've got a you know partner who's always talking about like earth-paced and slow down and, and I'm wondering if you have anything to share around like the integration of these parts like child who grew up on the farm and then the one who mastered computers that like kept him safe and you know was ended up being a your livelihood in here you are now with the two-year-old and,
recovering from burnout we're talking after you've taken two months off from work. What do you have to say about like what you know of life now. Given like your experience yeah I mean I've definitely burning the candles at both end for since my pride mid-20s or four of them. Your favorite word I say grinding right which then I get so triggered when he says it's not for you but for me grinding is was a form of success for me like. Associate grinding and output with.
Identity of how good you are right which is not true at all as I've gotten quote wiser I would say so yeah I like. I don't know feel like your identity you've been contending with your identity, yeah I'm we stepping away from Tech and being on top and all that at some point like that is an identity shift and. I've made my career and my life and really who I am about.
Being the best on computers and being able to do the impossible this is a self identity but really then, tying that to work and output but working output is not your daddy that's a job right let's go. Not what like it's not what you do it's the Integrity that you show up and you know. I guess yeah what you value and then the day I love what I do. But that's not my identity right and so that's been that's been a big thing the last like five years for me just realizing oh my job.
A my status in that job is not my daddy this is a title. And a profession it's not me right so that's been a big so who are you I'm still figuring that out. Still figuring that one out I think a lot of men struggle with this do you know their daddy or. I like the pressure to provide hustle culture seeing who they are outside of what they do, I mean I know women contend with this too.
But I think what you're going through is deep and important and also just so important to voice for so many other people going through it. Yeah I mean a lot of men have. Identity concerns or issues or however you want to phrase it I made quote midlife crisis that people talk about which I think is a little different actually but, yeah from the circles I'm around and the men that I'm around people when you start doing.
More intentional work with yourself and start asking the harder questions and focusing on past trauma or. Looking into your relationships or your behaviors and patterns and actually emitting to certain things you want to change and starting from point A to actually get the point be like literally looking at that, I think a lot of stuff comes up and identities usually a big one right and then to figure out like who you are.
And change you want to make it's pretty can't really make changes yeah I'm like I know I said earlier I don't really like what is your identity I have a lot of things like I say or my Identity or them working towards but acknowledging. That for me a corporate executive in a very successful tech company. You know trying to sell a product and change the world for certain perspective any money is not.
Who I am it's just what I'm doing but it's not who I am some identity that doesn't make me a better or worse person. Some of that stuff gives me purpose but there's so much more than just getting up and writing code or running teams like.
Purpose is also gearing up and sturdy and land and, playing with Atlas and helping out at school or helping other men like there's so many things right so it can your dad he's always in my opinion is always shifting and so you just kind of walk into your values and principles. And I think that's something that I'm just homing more into and one of my values.
Right now our principles the spend more time with family and be more present for Atlas, been slow down and like really be present and it's hard to like. I call bs anyway I said that they can multitask and be present and do all the stuff because that's me and I know I know I can listen. But I'm liking my present 100% I'm always wandering I'm always thinking for steps ahead and being true present is dropping everything you're doing.
And being still in time and listening to that person or being just observing that person or that object or that you know whatever insert X there so.
I know I'm really good at multitasking and it could be 80% present with multiple you know objects at once but that's not true dropping and having a devotion presence I feel like that's something that I'm trying to work more on yeah and I. I know I can't do that if I'm everyday this being programmed to multitask and Chaotic environment of work right that's not something that's going to be conducive to me feel so good to hear you say these words and it's Felt So Good.
To feel that Focus Shift on family on Atlas on us. I think this might be a natural time to ask like I've been very open with this audience around. How hard the last few years were for me, being postpartum and append emic and being diagnosed with with delayed postpartum depression and rage and and I've even shared that a lot of that rage was targeted at you. Because you were talking you were the one here and just like how hard it was for me.
To acclimate to becoming a parent I wonder if there's anything you want to say. Besides the fact that Alice's birth shifted your priorities and how do you look at your identity more deeply what was it like for you. As hard it's very hard and having atlases the one of the most wonderful things and also one of the hardest most chaotic things ever. I can't continue this lie that it keeps shifting right and it gets easier and easier and easier but also hard and a different way right.
But not being sleep deprived and you know that that's been a big a big a big plus yeah this like can we just can we just go. Deep on the sleep deprivation for a second that was really really difficult for us like sleep deprivation is a form of torture and I know that every parent is somehow sleep-deprived but our experience of it I mean it felt like a reality distortion. It felt so hard yeah I mean yes yes yes and for me.
I'm kind of chronically in the past have been sleep deprived because of work and you have insomnia working 16-hour days or 15 or whatever and then going to been thinking about work and waking it all night thinking about work and, for the next task I need to do and why or how to make it better and then getting up and doing it's like I've always had that, which again is it's a blessing and a curse and I think when having the Alice a really showed the curse I'd like.
The inhibitor versus the enabler bit like holy shit this is not going to work I have to rest them a die. I couldn't rest and then I go back to work and then so having Atlas 3 weeks after having her. Have him do a structure reorg on the team moving some people out there was really just had a really intense music really hard during that time and you know both physically on me and you, also mentally on myself and my team and.
Just the people like you know doing or shifts and moving people up and out and it just like his people's livelihoods is just so taxing and when you're saying moving people up and out and work shifts you're talking about firing pin yeah firing or promoting or restructuring yeah right in charge of people's livelihood yeah and like during that when you're so tired and you still need to ensure the show up with empathy and that,
you are grounded and that you can give those individuals the same amount of focus and even some conversations are hard based performance summer hard based off just decision that we're going to say she has to make, and everyone's human right and so approaching that.
In a sound Collective manner while being sleep-deprived while you know that it's just like it was a lot three weeks postpartum yeah that's inhuman yeah and then a cool and then of course we had a lot of deliverables the hit and deadlines we had end year this is a lot going on when Alice is born and so like, we struggled you and I for sure and so is like point I'm making here is. The first couple weeks were like just in Twilight Zone on what is going on you know I have an understanding.
How to take care of a baby with expect more about just like whoa and then going back to work and then.
Doing that while still caring for you and the baby and the first couple, months as a man at least from my experience was really hard because he had this little creature, that was a blob that was attached to you and then there was you, and so there is a sort of belonging and the baby needed you but nobody really needed me but I had to run around do everything and so it's like I just felt like this vessel that was just.
Moving things for people and taking care of everyone but nothing you had no space to acknowledge or give me gratitude the baby wanted nothing to do with me right just re attach to you until like probably four months and then that's when like oh. The baby had a lot of Rouse had a lot of instead of Shifting had a lot more attention and could really you know.
Express herself towards me and want to see it so it's like it's like that all star the shift and you kind of came out of your Hayes a little bit. As well and seeing some of the you know as you say invisible labors of that was going on yeah the beginning was just felt like I was. Stuck in work and stuck here and just do any things for everybody and I think for myself as a lot yeah yeah it was hard and I think.
Start getting more sleep in the babies are sleeping in different Cycles got a little better but. Verse 18 months were rough but also beautiful that's all way right there anything you want to say about when I was diagnosed. With delayed postpartum depression and how that felt for you I mean it's good that have an official diagnosis of it like because it was very clear to me something was off. When were you seeing or feeling um you kind of like a void in you like.
There's nothing behind the curtain sometimes right just a former depression I could see and then also a lot of some of the Rage or Outburst of inconsistencies we're just, just new to me right of behavior I best a scene so that I could tell there was something going on and also just just didn't seem happy. So moving to a step up he wasn't so I'm moving to a step of you taking self-care was really important.
Acknowledging that, and actually use saying oh I have this I need to take care of it was it big sigh of relief for me because it's like okay my partner. Is acknowledging this and she's going to take care of it and then for me. Hearing that I was just want to be supportive like cool what could I do and that's been sort of open up more with me and talking about.
How you fell or like what was going on because we hit a dry spell her we're going to dry dry point at where, we weren't actually communicating our needs or what we were feeling it was just like, get through the day and co-parent and just survive housing in the night yeah you know instead of actually like that was a while of that docking and communicating we were just passing each other just doing tasks and so, it was good to hear you had that or at least that you were approaching.
And taking care of yourself and then it just opened us up to talk more about it right and then me the make Atomic shifts for little high small shifts of. My own habits of how to help with inside of what shifts would shifts did you make your habits um how is he assumed verbage I communication like trigger words for you just made sure that I was really conscious made sure that.
Do you know small touches of passing the kitchen or something you know just like little things so you felt that you were, taking care of what that you had a connection you know I mean I know it was important to you as you express some of your concerns with just yourself and not feeling like.
You had a partner like you were just missing kind of like human interaction and a bit and also just being more cautious and being more having more empathy towards you and so, just as we practiced now as you know if something happens and, we have a disagreement now being more patient and trying more presence and having more empathy for that and asking questions and not being defensive right,
I think that really restarted my own practice skin like oh crap yeah it's not about me right so I was kind of a big thing. Sounds like fatherhood has been really humbling for you I know it's been really humbling for me motherhood there's a way in which. I'm here I'm hearing you say like it's not about you right now so the only person who can really take care of you as you. Yeah I mean yeah you don't you have zero Cycles the.
You do now you have more now back then yeah I really I remember you being like I have needs and I'd be like I nope, nope which think can build resentment because like less you int want to be taken care of to I need the stuff totally and the first 4 months you know. Working being the financial supporting unit and really running around Non-Stop and not sleeping.
And also having a lot of baby duties to compare it in and all my regular tasks and very I do pride myself being a very connected and present father from kind of day one, but yeah it was just a lot and then just not seeing seeing definitely builds resentment right like for sure yeah. There is a common grievance I hear from Mama's around.
When the non birthing partner is particularly about a man being getting disconnecting, for some reason like I'd be curious what you think those reasons are is it because they don't feel like they matter because it's really overwhelming is it the sleep deprivation like you know just, all I know is I talked Mama's who are like screaming out for connection and feeling like they're out of the room they're just not there. I mean it's probably like it's Hawk on that one I would say.
A lot of it's probably just the man you know non birthing partners. I would say their own postpartum in the beginning like I went through it they have pushed harder and nobody knowledge is that. So that was that was hard but I would from a check-up perspective for me it was just I would have to pass out because I literally couldn't go anymore yeah but mentally I was I was.
I think I was very checked in I wanted to help you know I'm not I wasn't one of those fathers who are not who they go I'm not going to change a diaper you know putting some rolls on a baby thing like no I so I think like for a lot of, men, it's probably men who are that's not my job right I didn't see there so here's the thing right that happens that happen for you is there no modeling from their own father sure or the modeling was,
the mother did it all Yes or that's just what society and Norms say to you know good old times one goes and makes money one stays home with the kids and that's it right so like however, one's family or, you know upbringing was for them and that's going to propagate to a certain perspective but safe for. There's like a couple camps there's the exhausted.
There's the one who just mentally can't take it like can't be a father right there's a camp of these our society Norms that I'm going to put, labels on and this is what I'm going to do and you're going to do maybe without having actual commitments or, agreements around right yeah the energy exchange right and I think. With an energy exchange of what partners are doing it or not clear. That's what things are complicated and so like I look at partnership has a 50/50 energy Exchange.
But that could be index 80 90 percent in one area to 10% some routes really depends on what you're looking at and capacity limit yeah and the capacity is part of that exchange though.
Just like if if someone can only give you 20%, that's it and you still want to 50/50 that means they're giving you ten percent then writes like of that so it's just it's this is where the commitments are really really important I think you and I started to figure more that out but we're still figuring it out yeah but I think like I get I get frustrated when I hear people say like.
I can't change a diaper or something like that it's like really actually makes me angry when you hear men talk about they don't want to change diapers it's like. With my daughter the most vulnerable spot she can be changing her diaper. And then making sure she doesn't get a rash on her butt and like taking care of like how would you why would you not want to do that and like to see her in that and that vulnerable position. Where she just smiles and wants to talk and interact like it just really.
I feel like some people just that check out is really scary like I think yeah I think that's also going to propagate you know we have a daughter but if we had a son like it's going to propagate. More of that stigma of men are hands off of kids and like. Yeah and all that so I don't know I'm going with this one but that's just kind of it we love us kind of how I feel that were, from me specifically men definitely more involved with their children and having clean.
Clean energy exchanges of accountability and agreeing with your partner of what is expected having quote your own contracts with each other and being willing to renegotiate at any time correct it's not set in stone sign of blood this is really important and like men you to step up and, do that what's really important to be there in those moments with your children at least that's my opinion and I'm curious
I know I know in that first like six months I had a lot of like my inner child triggers come out particularly I would notice I've talked about this in the pockets before like Atlas would cry. About sleep and I'd like play out like experiences of like.
My parents like responding or not responding to my needs when I was a baby or like I remember I'd Rock her and I'd realize like am I rocking her I'm my rocking me like a real sense, and I've heard this from other parents to like having a child does trigger some sort of like childhood memory inner child healing and I'm wondering, if you have anything to say about that just because just knowing in particular your story which you don't require to share here.
Around being a dad nothing in the early days triggered me of like taking care of myself why I always told myself was always be a better better father than. The father's that I had right I do remember when we would do nighttime massage with her after bath you would say every night.
I wish someone massage me like this when I was a baby yeah because I was just like I was I didn't think about doing that and then as we were putting you know, spoils and massaging her after a bath I was like well it's really smart and I was like yeah that never happened I can't recall this but I wasn't there was Zero resentment that I was more just curious like whoa. This is this is cool like and I kind of want to give Alice.
Everything that we can give her to yeah to help her right and so it was interesting interesting to see like or massage overnight as Royals. Becoming we think it'll be like mashed probably pretty oils on my skin to yeah right just harvest the observation well that's a perfect segue I think to what you are doing for yourself.
I know a lot of people want to know about men's work, and that is something that you engage in that's something you've engaged in for a while dip your toe in come back in you're going to you're working in. It pretty intensely this last year and I guess I'm curious why is Men's Work important. And also what is it. I mean men are fucked up in this world they are why toxic.
The toxic masculinity and the corporate and Tech environment and this is all this is all my own experience list capitalist patriarchy is the answer yeah and like. Just not Egos and just not being humble I just saw there's a lot going on there but for me. I would say like yeah star some men's work what like 2015 or something you went to a weekend retreat yeah like a long time ago and that was cool and you came back changed the game back just you know fired up it's interesting when you have to.
You know i gaze with a man you don't like cut can you tell the story for like five or 10 minutes staring at somebody, like right in their face and then going to the next part and are doing it again it's this is intense first thing you did at your first ever men's group Retreat is guy gays walk in first thing you had to do well there's like something there's like the more like a.
There's two camps there is the first ever did which has some eye gazing was intense I'm like working there is the more modern stuff I've been doing with say your son's which is also the same thing yeah but the, it's just not doing that work ever and you do that you like what the f is going on yeah very vulnerable it is very vulnerable I'm gonna run yeah because you're uncomfortable you realize.
When you're uncomfortable you don't want to be vulnerable and then you don't have trust like you can't actually be vulnerable in front of another man if you don't trust that man right and it's an interesting balance of. Am I in let my guard down who am I going to be a my up at a front on him I just going to stare Mean Mug am I actually going to really open up and.
You know some men to start crying right away so I'm just like me have to take a poker face Who start to soften up over time and as other men starts to smile it's like yes oh yeah I gazing was intense but, the immense work it's healthy for me to just remember that. There's other brothers out there that need support and that you know if we don't focus on fixing our own.
I don't want to call issues we're on systemic kind of reoccurring, like bullshit that we manifest and no mentors of ever showed us like we don't help solve that for us which is going to propagate to other, you know the youth beneath us and so it's the really important, help better our self our partners our community by not being toxic right like really tapping into you know the feminine and the masculine and will however you want to relate to those but also, have you know,
being the king being a lover being like a Jester and funny being the warrior still noise are archetypes you would within the minute I like knowing when not to take ship and not to do an toxic way and really show up and defend your loved ones but also have empathy and know when the Dew is just like there's so much there,
it's complicated that's for me it's just really it's helpful just to dip into all these and being around other men because you learn so much and every time either man is you know has a processor explain something you can always relate to it, make it so super powerful you go to an event and say nothing the whole time, still come back on holy crap like you learn so much about yourself death encourage people if they go to.
Men's group to share and show up it's like when you're in school or anything. You get what you put in it you know so yeah which is and being vulnerable. Is the best way to learn right how have you transformed in the spaces because I remember you saying that some of this in this particular men's group you're in it's been reflected to you how much you've shifted in those containers.
I don't know I just did this natural I think my progression Last 5 Years of doing Men's Work having a really Kick-Ass executive coach. And is dipping into my own leadership style and. As I get older is all Health pie in these circles to of step out more of emergent leadership or just share and really just not care like it part of it's like not.
Not caring so much about me but others think about you or your own shit just expressing and, being humble and then just having feedback and you start to realize when you're honest and transparent what's going on for you other men. They're also going to show more vulnerability towards you and build more trust and build a safe container and that's how you actually get to healing and and figure out.
You know what's going on but yeah I mean I don't know if there's an answer your questions more of a ramble but we want to hear what you have to say, I guess one thing I want to know so men's work if we can just say what it is is like like I have my women circles, and I have like the work I devote to like in the like all the pie slices of my life you know we only have so much energy capacity. Time money I devote a pie piece too.
The work in like with art my teacher grandmother Sarah in my woman's Circle and then we have a community that we like go every beginning of the Mets and do Beltane with and that's a spiritual connection so one of your pie pieces, being in containers of men being vulnerable and working through processes, so that toxic masculinity can like leave the building yeah and like.
Totally and examples of that like I don't sing right but in these groups were all be in a hot lodge together sweat lodge and someone will lead a song and we all start singing along and have ceremony and like our own ways and it's just like super rewarding yeah never thought I'd be in a sweat lodge with you know whole bunch of dudes singing. Indigenous songs led by you know a brilliant man just like and doesn't vibing off of it and then also yeah like it just.
So healing and connecting and what I realize is that you as a man. It's very competitive specifically like the corporate and like Tech world like Minard almost taught to not trust and like again I'm speaking from my experience in you I am I absolutely don't trust in the security industry and I mean I trust his kind of take job not to try yeah trust is. Is earned not given and I think.
Showing up to these groups and being vulnerable and being transparent you start to earn trust really quickly and you start to give trust to others is you're noticing that and that's been really rewarding because. My whole life I don't think of you know I have my core group of friends and a small subset I have never been more connected to an intimate way with these men.
I've never had that my life right so super cool to be connected no the deepest darkest shit too, you know seen men just healed around pain and, and share their experiences and laugh with them and fight them literally punch someone in the face right like like literally yeah safely yeah with boxing gloves and doing kind of Secrets Paris and just like things like this, that we can't.
We can but we don't do outside of these containers and it helps build the repetition safety to process ourselves and others so when we come back, we don't we're not a Melting Pot where we know we have tools we have a network we can call we have people we can talk to and things are hard so yeah it's just. It's a support group you know men like it's pretty awesome yeah returning to the ways of council which is think is so important yeah so you so you know I'm all about revilla zhing right.
And I'm still trying to figure out what that looks like in these modern times and you and I have had deep conversations about like you know the ways of hyper individualism and I'd say that you're a low-key prepper and you and I and you've always talked about your bunker underground and me being like no no let's look at it differently and you and I being a No-No let me let me bring in this and so I guess I'd love to.
Know what you have to say about your vision for us as a family and in our Greater Community are greater family. Of what re Village in means to you in these times I mean like if you ask that question 20 years ago I would have said you know, bunker of ammo right but if you ask that question now we're going to five years ago I would say oh yeah a bunker because they're fun and they're cool, but the garden above with the people stirring it and the tools given to them as what does the Doomsday.
Approach you know like community of Skills and Trade not about isolating yourself with ammunition and taking butts about building a strong network of individuals who. Can't end the land and do different trades and show up and show for the you know quote whatever the village may be studying much more of the my bunker attempt now but. Yeah for us I think having an intentional Community where you know everybody and.
Do you have resources to give that's food Power Water skillset money yeah money well money can Define all those at the same time but I'm talking more from a skillset perspective.
You know we built a really cool solar array with 15, test of power walls like what does it look like the power similar distributed grid for Neighbors if you know I mean like stuff like that I'm really into the yeah you have a big vision of the infrastructure side of the community, answer my skill set can help a lot more with yeah it's an intentional community of individuals who,
have hard conversations and don't necessarily don't actually get along like I don't want to call like-minded people I want people that.
We're going to ask hard questions and are going to argue and you know but people need to show up and they need to be committed to, while the term Ivy is putting in work which can mean a lot for people but when I refer to that it's you showing up with Integrity to what's needed at that time so yeah, like tential community of individuals who want to partner to make everybody better.
And help kind of just sustain yeah but everyone uplifted one up, as as we say this from our Suburban single-family home we're exploring this we're definitely not experts and we are still figuring this out but we have a vision yeah I'm also like personally.
I don't want you know people living like you know when he saw the like I want to share it house I don't want to share it houses around like shared too much space like I'm cool having a people in acre away right like like like theirs, I still like my space and being able to isolate I need to and so I think a lot of people in here.
The term I start talking about intentional Community you're like really judging Bill jr. or you know living with your friends who like oh you're roommates and like now I don't know someone could go have, a module 3 bedroom 2 bath home, down the street for Acres or 44 Acres away like that's that's the that's the communication area backyard you knocked down a fence in Santorini shared backyard and you you put a stake the pigtail on a barbecue out there right yeah yeah it's
so I think so many ways to do it so I want people to when we say that this a, live together in a comedic economy it's like no no it doesn't it's not what we're talking about that's not what I'm talking about at least yeah well we're talking to you yeah so we're exploring that. Okay someone did ask a question about how. Your relationship the evolution of your relationship with Atlas. I know you spoke a little bit about how in the beginning she was just like a blob that didn't need you.
And then you learn to cherish diaper changes but there's anything you want to say is like. Being Tim the father of Atlas about how that's evolved sure my Alice melts my heart every time I look at her she's just so amazing she really is. And I would say when she started staring at me and blinking and smiling I was like oh shit because if for it was just.
Sleeping should wake to go back in the boobs the way you know I mean it was like that for quite a bit haven't you sit there and just kind of zone out but eventually she would look you mean I could just tell that like oh she's looking at me she's like. She understands like who in a way of who I am like oh I'm here and then ever since that you know fast-forwards today. She changes so fast but the my relationship just get stronger stronger with her like every day is love or more and more and more.
Yes I like oh I don't love her before. Is just easier for me to express my love to her and really just be present with her that's like. She's nonstop speaks right now and run around and I feel like if I was with another human being I've like oh my God I'm over this toy with her.
I was sit there and just, smile like to soak it all in I want to continue doing that so back to the whole conversations of being present and like you know getting out of technol that when I'm working or doing cool stuff that's fun. But the moments were you just watching her. Jump on the bed and make a little tent and like just talk to you and process and figure things out there's nothing more magical than that it was something more entertaining or fun. Is that so.
Bernie father's out there running the thinking like it's really really hard and it gets a lot better and it's just. The bond I don't know what it is like with a son I'm sure it's amazing but dad daughter bond from my experience is my only experience is just, something so special about that I can't even I can't articulate the words yeah I wonder if it's also just her as a human you and. This being yeah yeah could we yeah she's just amazing yes yeah.
Yeah I heard her get far enough from around this conversation we hear giggling behind yeah I'm just made me smile thinking about her running around yeah and also selfishly and when she gets scared, she gives you like the biggest hug right like sure run to you and we grab you and give you a big hug and you know I'm smiling because like.
I know something for her nothing to be worried about but she doesn't know you know piece of lint blows across the room hits her in the head with that is and it's just. This is so adorable to see how she processes that and how she runs to me for safety it just is such a rewarding feeling of probably my own trauma and bullshit that I'm still working on it.
Feeling like oh I can take care of her and all this stuff and I don't know I just, this is great yeah yeah there's something about us birthing her that she's brought us to a more natural pace of Life yeah.
That's a good way to put it also when you look at her tell a lot of people this every baby's probably the same there's no, conceived plan manipulation nothing it's just raw emotions of a human who's just feeling, is she happy hungry said scared what she needs self-expression it's just amazing to see that and you go wow if we could all function that way.
I mean we all did one yeah but if we could function that way again not as a toddler two-year-old but and I should be able to have conversations and process data, just not be in our heads and just Express what you need and how you're feeling, like that's a relationship right there right you know they give me like you and I as we go deeper into this just being vulnerable and expressing what we need.
That's so hard to do but that's really what it's about right yeah and just the fact that she's always orienting herself towards pleasure she's always looking to be delighted.
To laugh to dance to sing she's, that reminds me that we as humans specially those of us who contend with like anxiety depression anger, to remember that our innate way is oriented towards pleasure and joy and laughter that's been so healing for me to just be you know the humble witness of this human, Sheen area that's a good point too she gets upset.
But she's never I've never seen that less grumpy like what no but like like when she's sick or she doesn't have something that she like really wants but saying no or, you know kind of forcing an all done situation.
She'll just find the next thing to make her happy so I'm going to she's not going to sit there in the corner right now and stew on it, and then make up a story of why Mom's batter now that's all going to shift right right but it's just great to see the state of the brain development who they are it's like.
Like whoa that's just that's just the Primal being and then eventually, we are Society others and then she starts to develop in our world that will start the shifts right as it is and we'll meet those right which is it's interesting to say, I think we should wrap up here with just maybe. Coming back to you and me and the relationship I like to reassure people that were a lot better than we were. And I think it's also really helpful to tell people like.
That we went through a really tough experience the baby bomb as I call it of having a child having it really tests in and poke holes in the relationship and that.
I mean not that we're fixed or anything but we've made I definitely feel like we're emerging on the other side of this you know massive initiation and, and also we've been together for 17 years so we've had many versions of relationship and and embodiments of who we are and I wondered if you wanted to say anything from your perspective about the relationship you and I are in,
in this moment and what we've just come through I mean relationships my opinion it's like like architecture you don't you don't build them. Tulasi building the change right and so what I mean by that is looking at like a gang I'm off the audience is going to follow this this reference but check like like looking at something like a, a monolithic application like a giant no one knows what that is Tim well I'm going to go with the new it's okay,
like building something that you think you're going to just build it and it was going to run forever and be done kind of like you know some systems of stuff I think I everything's interconnected and change one thing it all breaks, they go out of the banking system still that we run on in our infrastructure runs on but when you look at modern applications and microservices and
deployment models you start to think about like oh you build things for change because the landscape the ecosystem applications are always changing you have contracts you start to build out or distribute systems which is the way of the earth which I you know what I mean by that for us is that. If I looked at the woman I married or even proposed to ensure our dating so now mean.
Then I try to keep that same narrative that I was talking about of what we it's just a matter crash long time ago and so being able to go with the flow and be adaptive and having you know, pointer I resources that you need and really just adapting to the situation and Building Things For Change is key.
And so continuous education continuous work around updating your tool chest or your War chest wherever you want to call it what ya like like how how, you know pull strategy or defense or Agra soften this language, and this is the language I use I'm sorry because you are talking about me right yeah I have are you so it's like, how to approach a battle or deescalate or how to think about a fight yeah or, even just knowing that I need,
my Approach that works today might not work in two years because you are different I'm different things are different and so just, always updating your strategies are I'm going with here yeah no I hear you and ensuring that when you're building tools or you're talking that you're not saying it's a one-and-done or this is the fix that, doesn't exist it's continuously changing the landscape is changing,
and I think when you focus in on your values and kind of core principles each other that's really key those shouldn't shift too much but just the execution of it it's just I just know from my experience with you like, the more vulnerable we already each other and softened is always better yeah but those approaches how we do that are continuously changing, yes right so whatever whatever that is.
For real people to hear yeah they are relationship is it's bad I'm a better swordsman on the right word a relationship is a relationship that's continuously changing and it has harder days and has easy days, - see right now it's their easy days yeah and we went through some hardships of, just getting through it and now I feel like we have more time and ability to articulate with each other and talk,
before we didn't have that time and probably we didn't want to make time for it either because we were just frustrated and tired I want priority lender resource to yeah, and like anything you want you want to work on yourself people go to the gym the eat healthy you gotta work on your relationship but we do couples therapy for so long now write as a maintenance and then.
Doing date nights and really making efforts like you have to do that at least from believer of that yeah when you're both working and.
Time is just difficult and it's always easy to sit down go we don't have time for that so you have to make time with the prioritize it yeah prioritize relationship, Esther perel says paraphrase this but you you will have many relationships throughout your life and it's up to you if it's with the same person or not, and I really like that when that's been really helpful for me to think about how, you have been with the same person you but we've had many variations on the relationship and.
Yeah you've always been Tempe australe but you you're right now emerging into this like new embodiment of who that is and we all know I'm shifting and changing all the time so.
Yeah that's us so I would put it, building scalable infrastructure oh my gosh yes yes I wonder if anyone else is giggling with us or if they're like what are they talking about you get a just a sneak peek into who we are all right Tim thank you, thank you for your words bye bye, thank you so much for joining me in a time when our attention is being pulled in so many different directions it means a lot that you took time out of your day to spend it with me and in these important conversations,
for show notes and links and more information about my guests you can head to belonging podcast.com, if you'd like to hear more from me and get access to my free newsletter called slow and seasonal you can head to Becca piastrelli.com / subscribe.