S01E114: OMG, You Can't Get Mad It's On The Ceiling!

[jazz plays softly on radio]

[woman] It isn't as flashy as some of the places, but we pride ourselves on being a little classier. - Hm. The crack's real. - Oh, yes. We call this our earthquake cottage. Mrs. Porter had occupancy then, during the big one in '33. Property damage ran into the millions. [man] Would you fix it if I stayed for awhile? [woman] Oh, no. No, this is our showplace. Mrs. Porter wouldn't let us touch that wall. She worked that sampler herself to cover over the hole.

- Alrighty. I hope you'll be very happy here. - Thank you. [jazz continues softly] * Where'd you get those eyes at? * * Where'd you get those eyes? [scatting] [rumbling] [man] No, you stupid bastards! Stage nine! [hammering] [man] Right, take her away. Easy now, easy! You can't smoke a cigarette when I'm doing this. It's the first one of the morning. Oh, come on. [indistinct chatter] You, let's go, please. Come on. Come on, come on, come on!

[man] Who needs to get up at 6:30 in the morning like this? I don't believe it. [man] Let's go! Up, up, up! Get ready. All right, everybody in places! Everybody works! All the extras line up in front of me over here! - Move along! - Everyone over here! All the extras, everybody up! Everybody works! - Line up over here! - Get back where... You, keep going, right up on the steps! You! Come on, come on! You, up on the steps, quick! All right. You, go on!

All right, you. You. Yeah, you, too. You with the moustache, up. [man] On the steps and on the balcony, you know where you were. Your first position. It's the crummiest costume I've ever seen. - [man 1] OK! - [man 2] Hurry it up, hurry it up! Come on! [man] Take it up to number one. All right, come on I said, goddamn it! Get into number one position! All right, boys, let's get the camera back - to the high position. - [playing harmonica] [man] Get in position for the shot. Let's go, quick!

[man 2] All right, everyone, this will be picture! Take your number one positions! Everyone not working in the shot, leave the set now! Everybody off! Come on! That's it. Right, take it up to number one. [man shouts] Come on, get in your positions! [bell rings] [man] Goddamn it, I said keep it quiet in back of this camera! Roll the camera. - 93, take five. - And action! - [classical music plays] - The Baron and Baroness Klaus von Darmstadt. Sir Soames and Lady Ursula Ogle.

The Countess of Huschgroo. Their Excellencies, Monsieur et Madame Echeverrie. Prince Karl and Princess Helena of Regensburg. The Baron and Baroness Doybans of Luxembourg. Prince Simbrun Aruba of Zanzibar. Lord and Lady Deleon of Kittenden. John Jacob Lloyd, Rector of Jocksbridge. Sir Sebastian Sinclair and Lady Bartholomew de Lancer. The Maharajah and Maharani...

Come, puss. Come, puss! No. [boy] * Mama don't want no peas, no rice No coconut oil * * Mama don't want no peas, no rice No coconut oil * * Mama don't want no peas, no rice * * Mama don't want no coconut oil * * Keeps a bottle of brandy Handy all the day * Come on up and see me some time, big boy! [blows raspberry] Ugh! Adore! Adore, where are you? Adore!

What are you doing in there? What do you think you're doing? Look at you! You're a mess! Give me that! Two weeks to get an interview and look at you! You're a mess! - You're a mess! - [man] Turn off the goddamn water. - [man 2] You go around! - Why should I go around, for Christ's sake? - I pay rent here! - You mind your tongue, Mr. Kusich! There are Christians living here! - Who am I? A nigger? - Bye, Daddy! Car fare. Daddy, I forgot car fare.

[man] Why should I lay out money for you? You worked two days last week. [shudders] Odlesh, you idiot! I should make you pay for my cleaning! I'm all soaked! I pay rent here! You punk! - Hi. - Good morning. - Got a car? - No, I don't. - You should. In this town, it's a necessity. - Yeah, I know. - Where are you going? - Paramount. Damn! Can't even share a cab. Bye! Goodbye. - Morning, Mr. Hackett. - Good morning. Do it now. Do it now. Good. Do it nicely. Front and back.

Did you do it? Go on, do it. [horn honking] [indistinct chatter] [man] Twelve pads... What else? India ink. We need a lot of ink. What the hell are we ordering all this crap for? They don't even know we're here, for Christ's sake. Granted, that's how we get away with ordering all of this crap. - Litho crayons. - Litho crayons. Give me dozens of litho crayons. - Dozens of litho crayons. - Yeah, hello? Yeah, I'm calling about the Chevrolet convertible you have advertised in the paper.

Yeah, what year is it? '31. Yeah, right. It says for 50 bucks, right? - Good morning, kids. - Good morning, Mr. Grote. Good news. I'm sorry about this. We're so goddamn crowded. - Could you sign this requisition? - Will you check this? You asked me to draw up an idea for that cartoon series. Oh, yes. Now for the good news. I finally found one opening in the drafting department. I think, um... O'Neill. - O'Neill? Why O'Neill? - Would you come with me? Can you tell us how long it'll be?

Last week you said we'd all be assigned to art directors. If there isn't anything for us to do, why do we come? You're getting paid. How many kids your age can say that? Relax. It's better than relief. Keep up the good work, boys. [slow jazz plays] [horn honks] * Isn't it romantic? * Music in the night A dream that can be heard * * Isn't it romantic?

* Moving shadows write the oldest magic word * * I hear the breezes playing * * In the trees above * While all the world is saying * * You were meant for love * Isn't it romantic? * Merely to be young on such a night as this * * Isn't it romantic? * Every note that's sung is like a lover's kiss * * Sweet symbols in the moonlight *

* Do you mean that I will fall in love? * * Perchance * Isn't it romance * [man] On a very clear day, ladies and gentlemen, you'll be able to see Catalina Island right out there in the ocean. Catalina Island, ladies and gentlemen. Folks, I'd like to direct your attention now to this imposing erection constructed for a real-estate promotion that collapsed in the great crash of 1929.

The same year it was built, Camille McRae, 1929 Clam Queen of Pismo Beach, came to Hollywood in search of beauty and romance. - Her eyes must have turned... - I'd adore an ice cream cone. Chocolate, with lots of little chocolate sprinkles. - ...beckoning her to stardom. - OK.

Then, in the year of the Great Depression, 1932, Camille drove for the last time into the hills of Hollywood, left her Model T Ford, and climbed painfully, hand over hand, up the ladder you can see at the rear of the great H. Each of the unlucky 13 letters stand five stories tall, a mammoth metal monument to this Mecca of broken dreams. At the top, she shed everything Camille down to her undies and leapt to her death! She landed in this very cactus bed and lived for several weeks,

a human pin cushion. Naked she was born... You wouldn't believe the way I am about chocolate. - You know what? - What? One time when I was a little girl, I locked myself in a bakery truck and ate the chocolate off everything. [giggles] Isn't that hysterical? Sometimes, no kidding, I'd stay in my room all day, and stuff myself with chocolate and make up stories. I make up stories all the time. Do you want to hear one? - Sure. - OK. - [shutter clicks] - Hey, that's not fair!

You should warn me. Now, hold this. OK, there's these two beautiful twin sisters, and they're identical, except one's good and one's bad. And the good one is all set to marry this rich handsome boy. But the bad one is jealous, so she puts poison in her pancakes and sends her to the hospital so she can take the good one's place at the wedding. [laughs] There's more, but... Anyway, suddenly the good one shows up at the church and she says, "No, no! I'm the real one!" But no one can tell.

So he has to kiss them both, see which one kisses the way he remembers... You're not listening. Yes, I am. I was just watching their faces. You're funny. Hey! Want to see me in a movie? - When? - Now. - Where? - Glendale. I have to meet this friend of mine who's in it too, but you can come along. I have a speaking part. The assistant director picked me out of all the girls. - Who's your friend? - I play this sexy harem girl. He's a cowboy. Earle Shoop. [orchestral music plays]

- [man] Up, Ali! - [man 2] You mean, "Allez-up!" Inflation! - You too? - Later. Look, Baba! It's pretty soon. Cigarette me. Match me. [men shouting onscreen] There! There it is! - There's more. - Why are you so mad? I just found out what a heel is. [shouting] Ali Baba! There! [all shouting] Ali! They ruined it. Cut out the best part. There was a part where I said, "Allah, be merciful!" [announcer] These are scenes of great importance to contemporary history.

It stinks, doesn't it, Tod? I want your honest opinion. You looked great. I did look OK, didn't I? Didn't see your handsome profile, Earle. Where were you, partner? They had me covered in one of them sheets, that's why. I worked three days. [gasps] Why, that's me! Listen, you don't suppose we could, uh, - steal it, could we? - [announcer continues, indistinct] Hey, you! What do you think you're doing? Hey! You're smashing my property! You come back here! I'm going to call the police!

- [continues shouting] - [announcer continues] [man] Hollywood! [woman] Hey, hey, hey! - Hm! [laughs] - Oh! Come on, Earle's gonna take us all for hamburgers. Shucks, Faye, you know I'm flat. You big dope! I'm fed up with you sponging. - I'm working a rodeo Saturday. - It's always the same story with you. This time you're gonna have to walk home. [car starts] [door opens] Thanks for leaving the lights on! Pop? Daddy! Daddy! [knocking] Changed my mind about that drink. Pop's not home yet.

Just let me get some of... this out of the way. - Hope you like Scotch. - I prefer champagne. - Hasn't she fixed that wall yet? - I like it. Grows on you. You're funny. Here's to it. [chuckles] Got a radio? - Can we have some music? - Sure. [turns on radio] [soft music plays] Oh. - Do you need this? - Oh, God! Don't remind me. If you don't like it, I'd like it. You're my first movie star. Shall I sign it? Yeah, that'd be nice. Thank you. "Affectionately yours, Faye Greener."

- God, who's that? - Why? I hate people with thin lips. People with thin lips are mean. That's true. I read that somewhere. - That's my father. - Oh! [chuckles] Shut my mouth! He's really a very kind man. You wouldn't want to draw me. I don't have all those lines. - You have lines. You have lots of lines. - Where? The line of your cheekbone, the line of your neck... ...the line of your shoulder... ...your back. You're all lines. Changing lines as the light changes.

God knows when he'll show. When he starts boozing it up... If you don't want to be alone, you could stay here. You don't think I'm just a dumb blonde? I think I'm in love with you. Please hold me. Just hold me. - [door opens] - [man] Daughter? Shh! Pop's home. [man] Daughter! I gotta go. [door closes] [drum roll] - [all] Bye! Bye-bye! - [band plays fanfare] - Bye, everybody! - Bye! [man] Say hi to your mother. [indistinct chatter] - [man] Now! - [all cheering] Goddamn it, look happy!

If the director says cry, you're supposed to cry. Want me to teach you how to cry? Want me to teach you how to cry? - Want me to teach you how to cry? - Shut up! - Adore! [screams] Pick it up! - No! - Pick it up! - No! Adore, how dare you do this to me! Adore, come here this minute! Adore! Mr. Estee! - Mr. Estee, my name's Hackett... - This is hardly the moment. Uh, Tod Hackett from Yale. And I wondered if you had a chance to look through my portfolio.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Estee. - You know, I'm from Yale. - Yes, sir, I know. - "Boola, Boola," and all that. We'll talk in the morning. I know you're anxious to get home. - [Mr. Estee] Oh... - [girls chattering] - Have you had a chance to look at my work? - I did, as a matter of fact. Why doesn't he try his hand at some production sketches. What do you know about Waterloo? [dramatic moaning] [distant rumbling, gunfire] [horse whinnies] [men shouting] - [explosions] - [gunfire]

Oh! Isn't he clever? Look, Mary! I told you one day we'll be proud to know him. I need one more sketch of you. So, Mary, do you have to be someplace? - [Mary] Central Casting. Mary Dove. - We could have dinner. - I'm on a diet. - Or go dancing. - Coconut Grove? - I promised her. - Do you know what? - What? You need a shave. - I gotta go. - Shall I wait in the car? - Yeah. Just a minute, OK? - Sure thing, Freckles. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Listen, the feature starts at 7:10, and we don't want to miss the cartoons. Mm! Whoa there, palsy walsy! - Mama's spent. - What happened? Nothing happened. I like you a lot. - I love you. - Don't spoil it. - I love you. - Don't say that. It's true. Love's special. Yes, it is. Don't make me hurt you. You're very kind and clever. But I could only let a really rich man love me. I could only love someone criminally handsome. Please try to understand.

That's how I am. I'm sorry. - Do you mind if I...? - They're rough. I concentrated on faces. You know, camp followers, peasants, watching the battle, waiting for blood. Women at Waterloo? Is that in the script? Yes, there were women at Waterloo. I found that in research. - There were women. - Get a little sex in, huh? Boola, boola! I'll buy that. - Found a place to live? - San Bernardino Arms. - Comfortable? - The best way to describe it is sort of early earthquake.

[laughs] I like that, "early earthquake." Hollywood is a disaster area. - Got a girl? - There's a girl - at the San Berdoo. - Sounds like a cowboy song. That's Faye. The Tin Pan Alley tune you can't get out of your head. Oh, I know. Why don't you come by for dinner this evening? Are you free? Bring her along if you like. No, I'll come alone. Thank you. I like your work. You're probably a little too facile for your own good, but... That can be an advantage out here. Let's give it a try.

So about 7:00, then. And later we're all going to a sporting house to see some stag reels. Should be a lot of fun. Fine. Ah... [music plays softly] Aren't we fancy? Must be going some place incredibly important. - Just my boss. - Oh. Old friends aren't important enough for your boss. Oh, don't apologize. I understand. Hollywood parties, puke! - Bye, now. - Good night, Miss Greener.

* Throw me a beam or two * Wished on a star * And asked for a dream or two * * I looked for every loveliness * - * It all came true - [indistinct chatter] * I wished on the moon * For you * Come along, Froufrou, here we go. Champagne for eight. Five, six, seven, eight... Excuse me, please. That's a good dog. - Claude! - Audrey, darling! Alice, how nice to see you again. Won't you all come in. I was telling Mrs. Princetee only yesterday that the Estees are my favorite couple. [indistinct chatter]

For your collection, Audrey, a small token of our esteem. How charming. So thoughtful of you. [woman] What a fantastic room! I shall call it Wally. [man] What delights have you in store for us this evening? - I want Scotch. - We'll stay with the wine. Audrey bores me. I want to go to the Clover Club. - I have an early call. - [man] OK, get ready. Here it comes. In any other town, Audrey would probably be running a successful lending library. - [woman] Focus! - [Tod] Focus it.

Le Predicament de Cherie. [man] It's the one with the French maid. I've seen this. - [woman] She's flat-chested! - [woman 2] You should talk! - [Tod] Knock, knock! - [woman] It looks like fun. [man] It's Papa is who it is. She's gotta hide. I've seen it. [woman] You've seen it six times too, yes! [laughter] [man] He's not hitting her. There's no marks. [woman] I saw a stretch mark. She'll end up with Papa. [woman] Oh, why do they always have their socks on?

- [man] Looks like Tod! - [laughter] There's no real sensuality. - It's all so slap-bang. - [woman] So to speak. [phone rings] Well, if you'll excuse me, I must pee. Do you gamble? I want you to take me to the Clover Club. Joan's coming, aren't you, dear? I better help her. [man] She has varicose veins. [woman laughs] I wonder where they found her. - Oh, look! - Yes, you see they're all together... It's a... Oh, the film broke! - [all complaining] - [man] We want our money back.

[woman] Just when things were getting interesting! [indistinct chatter] [woman] I've seen it six times. I can tell you... [man] That's all you ever do is see this. [woman] I'm tired of hearing you talk about... [man] Did you see this Hedy Lamarr movie? [woman] Oh, yes! I saw that one twice. Yes, of course. Oh, yes, yes. Yes, Harold's friend. 11:00 will be fine. What hotel are you staying? I'm sorry. I ought to remember that, yes. Yes, what room? 405.

Of course. The arrangements are always the same. [slow jazz plays] [Mr. Estee] Tod! [man] Claude! The film's starting! Claude, you remember the girl I was telling you about at the San Berdoo? Well, her best friend, Mary Dove, works here. And I was wondering if you could ask Audrey if Faye Greener works here too. Audrey doesn't know the name. She'll ask Mary when she's free. If your little friend's available, you'll hear from her. What's your phone number? Don't worry. What's your number?

Hollywood 9742. - [man grunts] - Jesus! - You can't sleep here. - The hell you say! - You'll catch cold. - Hey! You bitch! - Open this door before I freeze my balls off! - Shut up! - You'll wake everybody up! - Oh, you dirty...! Open this up! - You! - Ma'am, please! - You white trash, you! - Caterpillar pecker! Oh! Let's go to your place, Hackett. I need a drink. That's what I get for fooling around with four-bit broads. All slut, and a yard wide!

I'll tell you, no quiff gives Abe Kusich the fingeroo! Not when I can get her leg broke for 20 bucks and I got 20! If you hadn't have come along, Hackett, she would have got it. - Forget it. - Forget it? Forget nothing! I remember those who do me dirt and those who do me favors. - You play the ponies? - Sometimes. Remember, Tragopan in the fifth at Tanforan. - [phone ringing nearby] - Answer the phone, you bitch! Tragopan! - Stop, thief! That's my radio! - Oh, be quiet!

That's my radio! Come back here, you thief! You dirty dog! [man] Shut up out there, you goddamn dwarf! You pygmy, shut up! I'll come out and beat you down with a mousetrap. [man continues muttering indistinctly] [phone rings next door] [Faye laughs]

[man] Who called, Faye? Faye? Faye! Who was that? Daughter? - Sweetheart! - [Faye] Yes! I shall be working the east side of Pinyon Canyon this morning, in case my agent finds it imperative to call me. [jazz plays] Hi. Have a good time last night? - Hollywood parties. - My friend Mary Dove phoned me. - [laughs] - I'm late. - Good morning, Harry. - [laughs] How are you? Hey, hey, hey! You dropped a nickel. The damn pigeons. [laughs] Huh? You want me to drop you someplace?

That'd be very neighborly. What's happened here? - I really tied one on, I guess. - I guess so. I really tied one on. Oh, this is... Well... ...I'm on! Hello, suckers, here I come! Hooray! Whee! [humming] [laughs] So long, Harry. [Harry] Whoa! Don't let them get you down! [sighs] [band plays ragtime] Hello, Mrs. Lady. How do you do? I'd like to entertain you for a moment or two. I'll sing and I'll dance, and I'll take a chance to sell a little bottle of magic to you. - Oh, Jesus! - [dog barks]

- Miracle solvent. - No, thanks. [dog barks] [coughs] Are you interested in magic, sir? Of course you are. Watch this, sir. Watch this. That's magic. Huh? [humming] That is magic, sir. That's magic, sir. Magic is what I'm selling. I'm selling Miracle magic. Miracle! Sir... Oh... [coughs] [doorbell rings] Ah! Hello, little lady. How do you do? [cuckoo clock sounds] Let me tell you about the famous Miracle solvent. - [panting, coughing] - [doorbell rings] [Harry coughing] The name's Harry Greener.

I'm going to give you absolutely free a genuine bottle of Miracle solvent, - for nothing. - Thank you. Just give me 25 cents to cover costs, two bits, a quarter. - They only cost half that in the store. - What? That? [laughs] Take it, take it for nothing. - Maybe this is a better polish. - [laughs] No, keep your money. I won't take it. [laughing] - Please stop. - [laughing] [gasping, laughing] Stop! Stop, please. [laughing] Oh! I'm late. Olive oil. On time? [laughs] Hey! Ta-da! [sighs]

Wait a minute... Help. [wheezing] Do you have any spirits... ...in the house? [doorbell rings] - Is my father in there? - [Harry] Faye. Faye? - Now what in hell's the matter? - He's had a fit. I've been badly taken. This gentleman let me stay here a minute... minute. Simpson, Homer Simpson. Faye Greener. How do you do? Charmed. Speak to me, Daddy. Come on, don't give me that phony Camille bit. On your feet! [rasping] I can't, honey. - Please let him rest there. - Yes, of course.

He has a vile heart, poor dear. I've begged and begged him to see a specialist, but you men are all alike. He ought to go to a doctor. When he didn't come home for lunch I began to worry. I was making salmon salad for lunch. Salmon salade with lots of mayonnaise, huh? I adore it. Let me help. Oh, just move in? - Can I use your phone? - Yes. [dialing] Makes me hungry just to look. [dialing phone] - [woman] Central Casting. - Faye Greener. - Nothing for you today. - Thank you.

My father really isn't a peddler, you know. He's an actor. And my mother was an actress, a dancer, before she ran away. - The theater is in our blood. - I never saw very many shows. I'm going to be a big star someday. It's my whole life. It's... very daring, I know, but it's the only thing in the world I want. - It's good to know what you want. - If I'm not... I bet I know what you'd like. I bet you'd like some ice cream. I could phone the drugstore and they could send some right over.

- Oh, please don't. - It's no trouble. [Faye] I'll get fat. I can get very fat. [laughs] Do you think fat women are going to be popular next year? I don't. I think it's just publicity for Mae West. - [chuckles] - [laughs] - [Harry] Laughter and merriment? - You OK now, Pop? I'm fine and dandy, baby. I'm as lively as a flea, as the fella said. It's a nice place you got here, mister. Are you married? - Daddy! - Ooh! I'd be scared and lonely living in a big, old place like this all alone.

You ever think of taking in boarders? That's enough, Daddy. Thank you. You did a Christian deed and God will reward you, son. Please look us up. We're just down at the San Berdoo. - You know, the San Bernardino Arms bungalow... - Don't forget your bottle - of Miracle solvent. - I nearly did forget. Thank you. Oh, thank you. You OK now, Daddy? [alarm ringing] [Faye] Tod! Tod! - [knocking] - Tod! Tod! Tod, come to the door! Come to the door! Come on!

I'm glad you're home. I'm scared! I think he's dying! Did you ever hear anybody dying? - What's a death rattle sound like? Have you heard one? - No. God, the way he's breathing, it woke me up! - [sobbing] Who did you hear? - My mother. [wheezing] Daddy, are you OK? - Speak to me. - Is that Faye? - Yeah. - [wheezing] - Is it Tod? - Yeah, yeah. Everybody. [wheezing] [chuckles] Who the hell is minding the delicatessen? [Harry laughing] You ain't rid of me yet. - [Harry laughing] - Stop that.

- Don't laugh, Daddy! - [laughing] Stop that! Oh! - [Harry laughing] - [screams] Shut up! Shut up or I'll sing! * Jeepers, creepers * Where'd ya get those peepers? * * Jeepers, creepers * Where'd ya get those eyes? * Gosh, all get up... Shut up! All right, all right! God, what a phony! Everything about him's a fake! [snoring] I had to hit him. I... I had to. God, I look awful. He laughs that way just to drive me wild. I have to stop him. He's crazy. He's sick.

No, he's crazy. We Greeners are all crazy. [Harry coughing] Oh, God, let me out of here! I can't stand all that wheezing and whining. Eyes following me, blaming me. Why don't you move out? Hm? What can I do? He can't get along without me. You having trouble, son? Take it out and put it in her hand. [wheezing laugh] [crickets chirping] [sizzling] This is Hermano. He's a five-time winner. And Pepe, still a stag, but I'll fight him next week in Pedro. And this is Jujula, my champ.

A murderer, this guy, huh? Speedy, and how! - Hey, muchacho. - Hey. Haul your ass over here. Food's done. And bring a bottle! [rooster crows] - [man] She's the hen. - [Faye] For them all? She don't complain. [rooster crows] [rooster crows] [laughing] [man murmurs in Spanish] [man speaking Spanish] - Look out! - [Faye screams] You leave her alone! - Tod! - You want it? Come here! - Get away! Get away! - Come here, you bitch! - No! - Come here! - No! Get away! - Lay down! [gasping, moaning]

You bastard! Get off me! - No! - Come here! - Come here, you bitch! - Get off me! - Shut up! - No! Tod! - Bitch! - No, please! [Harry] You remember Lee. He was very funny, but he used to drink a lot. It never hurt his act, but one night... I brought a lamp for Harry. I thought it'd be nice... - [Harry] Hello, son. Welcome. - Yeah, I thought I'd brighten your place up a bit. I want you to meet the Lee sisters. - Hello. - How do you do? And these are the Gingos. They're Eskimos.

- Rub your nose with my pal. - Nice to meet you. So nice to meet you. How about some Eskimo herring? - Imported straight from Greenblatt's Delicatessen. - No, thank you. That's all right. The studio brought them down here for retakes of Nanook of the North. They've been here ever since. Isn't that right? Ah, my spotlight! - Calling Central Casting? - Silly. I'm calling Audrey Jennings. - Faye, I'm sorry. - How many days? - It was dumb. I was drunk. - When's my makeup call?

And I feel like hell about the whole thing. - [doorbell rings] - Could you answer the door? Thanks. Bye. [Harry] How he'd have loved these bones if he was only here! [laughter] I'm... Homer Simpson. Thank you. [Harry] ...all the Minsky boys say, you know, to all the slaves around here, begin a... - What's a "Homer Simpson"? - [Harry] A grateful customer. That Miracle solvent really fetches them, doesn't it?

I caught you, spy! Nazi spy! [laughs] [crashing] [woman on radio] Are you with us, brothers and sisters of the silent congregation, out there by your radios? Let us hear from you! Dial for Jesus! Let those phones start ringing right now. Praise God! Hallelujah! Let those joyous bells ring out like the harps of heaven. - Glory! - [knuckles crack] Hallelujah! I do not want to hear the tinkle of silver. The rustle of paper is music to the Lord! It takes cash to fill the bread wagon of the Lord!

It takes money to send missionaries to save souls for Jesus! Glory! Glory be! [choir singing] Oh, Master, I adore you, with all my heart and with all my soul. Take me! Make me Thy bond slave. Do what Thou wilt with this frail flesh. Glory! Hallelujah! Dear Lord, I am just a poor woman, but I am yours! I give myself... to Thee. Possess... me! Come to me! Bring all our afflicted children to me! [choir sings] * To be free from the burden of sin * - * There is power in the blood... * - I can walk.

No, this is just in case you have an accident. That's all. We'll be praying for you, Mr. Greener. We'll be praying for you. * There is wonderful power in the blood * - * There is power - * Power - * Power - * Power [woman] Jesus. I ask you right now, in Thy blessed name I ask you, heal them all, heavenly Father. Oh, thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! - Thank you, Jesus. - * In the precious * Blood of the lamb This dear sister was given up for dead by three practicing physicians.

But I'm going to tell brother Bob to take away this wheelchair because our Sister Phyllis is, praise Jesus, going to walk today without help! The joy of the Lord is our strength! You run to Brother Bob, then turn and run back to me. Go, go, go! [shouting] - Oh! - Come on, run to me! - Praise Jesus! - [woman] I thrill when I see an empty wheelchair, but I just run the gas station. Jesus owns the oil wells,

- and the gasoline is prayer! - [cheering] [choir singing] Jesus, this is Brother Harry Greener. I want everyone here, and everyone out there by your radios, to praise Jesus with me. Glory! Hallelujah! I say unto you, praise God! Reach down your powerful hand and touch this afflicted brother and make him whole! Christ Jesus is in you, brother. Do not reject Him. Open your heart and He will make you refreshed and forever whole! [choir singing] [crowd shouting] [up-tempo jazz plays]

[Harry] The audience exploded. [panting] I stole the show. Yeah, stole the show. Oh, I tell you what I want you to do. I want you to read the review. Will you read that out loud? The review on that act right there. - See? - "A Natural Clown"? - "A Natural Clown." - "A natural clown is a rare find, and Harry is a natural. I laughed till I cried. My first thought was Ziegfeld should star Harry Greener." It's a terrific review, Harry. I took a full-page ad in Variety. Nothing come of it.

A waste of money. Waste of money. She drives me crazy sometimes, Faye. She's a... - She's a C.T., ain't she? - If you don't mind me saying so. She guards it like it was the crown jewels. But her mother, that's another story. Her mother... Her mother would open up

if you blew at her. That's right. The head usher, the booking agent, the Flying Cantini Brothers, you name it. But... if she walked in here this minute, I'd forgive her. I'd even forgive her that magician bastard she ran off with. Damn foreigner. I disremember his name. You know that I used to blame her for not making it into the big time, but I tell you, you ain't got a chance in hell if you ain't one of them. You know what I mean? They got it all locked up. To hell with them!

- [door rattling] - [Faye] The door! Pop, are you OK? Pop! Good evening. Dreary. [Harry] Dreary, stale, something... I don't know. Damn... Did you have fun? Homer must be a barrel of laughs. That dope. Strictly home cooking. I always wondered what the point was with Homer Simpson. He's not Rockefeller. - I'm tired, Tod. - Gable he's not. He's not even Earle. I'm in no mood for a jealousy tantrum, Mr. Hackett. Excuse me, but it's awfully hard to look down your nose when you got a pimple on it.

Good night. Good night, Harry. What's been going on around here? Oh, by the way, Pop, I ran into your old friend, Ben Bernstein. - [Harry groans] - You've been into my makeup again. You son of a bitch! I told you to let my possessions alone! Oh, he said he might be able to use you in a Bowery sequence, if you could get off your behind. [Harry] The hell with that mocking bastard! I knew him when he was... [wheezing] ...polishing spittoons... ...in that nigger barroom.

[Faye] I have to be a dress extra to support you. Can't even buy an evening gown. If you can't buy me an evening gown, I'll find somebody who can! You hear that? * Jeepers, creepers * Where'd ya get those peepers? * * Jeepers, creepers * Where'd ya get those eyes? * Gosh, all get up * How'd ya get so lit up? * Gosh, all get up * How'd they get that size? - * Jeepers, creepers - [moaning, murmuring]

* Where'd ya get those peepers? * * Jeepers, creepers * How they hypnotize * [woman] ...with the remains if you'd care to see her. - [Homer] Maybe I won't bother her right now. - Oh, excuse me. Oh, Mr. Kusich! You know what's happened? [Faye] He gave up his whole life for me. - [woman] Cut it out! - We can't leave the remains where they are, can we? He was lying there dying and all I cared about was a pimple.

Faye, child, you know my sole concern in this matter is to help and take some of the burden off your shoulders. Now, there are a few things I have to know if I'm going to help. Did your father have a burial plan? Hm? Did he leave any insurance? Well, child, funerals cost money. Unless you want to let the city bury him. - How much? - I'd say 200 would cover it. I'm sure terms can be arranged. I'll lend it to you. I'll get the money, Mrs. Odlesh.

All right. Then I'll go right ahead and take care of everything. Mr. Holsepp will bury Harry. He does it right. Can you get me into Audrey's? Sure. I've been telling you. - I was saving it. - For what? Are they ugly? Close your eyes. God, I'm so hungry. She waited till the old guy was dead, I'll give her that much. Remember that nag Tragopan I gave you to bet on? You know what it paid? 33-40, 22-10, and 18-50. - Tragopan is Greek for "pheasant." - Hm?

- Wise guy, you ain't Greek. - I speak Greek. I'm a college graduate with honors and prizes and two degrees to my name. And she gave me the old fingeroo! Fill it in, please. - Abe! - Shut up and pour! Listen, I know a cat house down on Western. How's about it? - I gotta go some place. - Well, screw you. I'm gonna get laid. For Harry! [horn honks] [woman] Your estimate said bronze. Those handles aren't bronze and you know it. [man] Miss Greener OK'd them. Ask her.

[woman] I don't care. It's the principle of it! I'm surprised at you, trying to save a few dollars - by fobbing off a pair of cheap metal handles... - Cheap metal handles? They are not cheap, nothing here is cheap. They are not cheap. - [woman] I'll never send you my business again. - [man] Try to understand. [man 2] The services are beginning. This way for the Greener funeral. Greener funeral, last aisle on the right. - Faye, I am sorry about Harry. - I know you are.

I'd like to talk to you for a minute. Alone. You look terrible. What is it? - Jesus, Faye! - You're drunk! - What are you? - Let go, you bastard! You know what syphilis does to your face? It's pretty ugly, what happens. Are you finished? [man] The services are beginning. For the Greener funeral, this way, please. The services are beginning. [sobbing] For those of you who have not viewed the deceased, please step forward. [Faye sobbing]

[priest] The reading of the Holy Scriptures is from the Old Testament, the 23rd Psalm. "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul. He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. - For thou art..." - Gable's arrived and they both came! Come on! They're in the second car.

[priest] "Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me." [man] Hey! Where are they? [woman] Wait for me, wait for me! - [indistinct shouting] - [whistling] - [bird squawking] - [dog barking] [insect buzzing] - [man] Where do you want this thing? - [sawing] - [Claude] Tod? Tod! - [man] Get it over here! Hackett. [chuckles] I really must meet the young lady one day. Now, what inspired ideas, what ideas, if any, do you have about this battle? [jazz plays]

* Everything's in rhythm with my heart * * The flowers that grow and the breezes that blow * * Seem to go with the flow of my song * * And the song I sing's in rhythm with my heart * * Every creature seems to take a part * * The birds in the sky keep in time when they fly * - * Way up high - [knocking] [Faye] Come in. [Homer] Good morning. [song continues] - Corn flakes? - They were in the magazine, with the fresh strawberries. I'll eat the strawberries. Come here, you big dope.

"Faye Greener. Receipts and disbursements." You have beautiful handwriting. They used to prize handwriting in accountancy. Not so much anymore, now. Huh? Six. I'm sick of this. Sick of it! Faye... ...when I was a little boy, I had rheumatic fever. This is a true story. And the doctors said that I had to eat liver to regain my health.

I couldn't bear the taste of it, but I had to swallow it. And one day, I discovered that if I put the piece of liver in my mouth and took a piece of bread and put a lot of butter on it, and then put the bread and butter in my mouth, I could swallow the liver - and only taste the bread and butter. - Ugh! Sometimes you just have to take your liver. And if you help yourself, then God'll help you find your bread and butter. [Faye laughs] [humming] Can I open a charge account at Robinson's? [humming]

[chuckling]

There. [doorbell rings]

Mom said you might want these. Hello, little lady, how do you do? I'd like to entertain you for a moment or two. We'll sing or dance, we'll take a chance, to sell a little magic bottle to you. [laughs] - Can I? - What? Open an account at Robinson's? [tires screech] [indistinct chatter on radio] Faye. [man on radio] Your husband is a... Faye! [Faye] Hey! - Where in hell have you been? - You agreed we shouldn't, that was one of our rules.

- Well, I've been alone here for hours. - I stopped to get ice cream. - About our own rooms... - Where's Waynesville? It's near Des Moines, Iowa. And possessions... And who is Romola Martin? Come on, who is she? Romola Martin. She lived in the hotel where I worked. - She was a dancer. - [laughs] Oh! She was a dancer! Those were some things that she left behind when she moved out. Did you ever dance with her? The ice cream's melting. [man chatters on radio] [slow music plays]

Why don't you ever dance with me, hm, Homer? Don't you think I'd be as good as, uh... ...Romola? If we have ice cream, we might as well have chocolate syrup. - You said not to buy any. - Well, if there isn't any chocolate syrup, then I don't want any ice cream! And don't think I'm gonna sit around and watch you eat it if I can't! I'll get too fat anyway! - Don't you think I'm fat? - No. You should call if you're gonna be late! [drain gurgling] - [slow dance music plays on radio] - I'm sorry.

* Isn't this sublime * We're dancing on a dime * The crowded floor is perfect for * * A nice, romantic time * Oh, how can I help but hold you tight * * Here in a warm embrace * There isn't an inch of space * * For being discreet So I repeat * * Isn't this sublime * This dancing on a dime * We're hand in glove The picture of * * A romance in its prime * Now darling I guess I better confess * * For I knew it all the time * That I'd be close to you * Dancing on a dime * Faye!

God, someday you're gonna shrink up and float down the drain. Well, sing or something, so I know you're in there! [Homer] * Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light * * What so proudly we hailed... * [man] Put these in the back. - Hey, you got a washpan? - Sure. They seem like nice fellows. I mean, anybody can be down on their luck. But just as soon as they get back up on their feet, I mean, they'll find their own place?

[choir singing] * Deck the halls with boughs of holly * * Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la * * Tis the season to be jolly * * Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la * * Don we now our gay apparel * * Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la * Troll the ancient yuletide carol * * Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la * * Fast away the old year passes * * Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la * * Hail the new Ye lads and lasses... * I thought... We said you weren't gonna do anymore extra work,

- that you were just going to act. - Gotta keep in contact, dopey. Come on. [engine starts] [rooster crows] [speaking Spanish] - [rooster crows] - [speaking Spanish] [bagpipes playing] [men shouting, horses whinny] - Ah! [speaks French] - You're not doing it right! Get up! Do it again! Keep 'em rolling! Keep 'em rolling! - [shouting] - No, you're not doing it right! Again! [speaks French] - Ah! - No, again! All right, cut, cut!

- All right, set up over here! Close shots. - [bell rings] - [indistinct chatter] - Over there! Quiet down, please. [man shouting] - [man 1] Everybody, get lost. - [man 2] Blueprint. [man 1] Get off the set! Get lost! [man 2] Come on, everybody... Fellas, the British are supposed to charge the French. Now, you're doing it slowly and I wanted fast precision, hand-to-hand combat. Now let's try it once again. When I say, "Action," I want the British to advance on the French.

[man] All right, Frenchmen, line up in your ready position! [hammering] [director] Come on down there! Let's try it again! When I say go, go! Charlie! Stop the goddamn construction! - [bell rings] - Quiet! Quiet! - [bell rings] - [man shouts] - [director] Let's go! - Ready? Roll 'em! - 117, take one. - [director] All right, action! [men shouting] [director] Get that first line moving! - First live moving. - [man] First line, charge! - [men shouting] - [man] Come on, get with it!

- [director] Second line moving! - [man] Second line, charge! [explosions] [director] Goddamn it! Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing? [man] Come on! Let's see some fighting! [director] Move your asses! The second line's all over the place. Get them out of there, get them out of there! Come on, you guys! Follow me, get out of there! Clear the camera now! Follow me up here! Let's go! - Hey! Hold it, hold it! - Get out of there! - Hold it! - Follow me!

Up here, fellas! Come on! Come on, you guys, up here! Out of it, out of it! Follow me! [screaming] - [wood creaking] - [men shouting] Jesus... Oh, goddamn it! Oh, my God! [woman screams] - [man shouts] - Oh, my God. [man] Get out! [man screaming] Oh, God! - [man] Oh! - [man 2] Get clear! The rest might come down! [screaming] [screaming] [man] Let's get some help! I've got you! I've got you! Hold on! - [all shouting] - Get out of my way! Hey! Hey! Get us a ladder up here!

[man] This thing's gonna fall over! [man] Oh! Jesus, my shoulder! Over here! Help! Faye! Faye! Faye Greener? [people shouting, moaning] Faye Greener? Faye Greener? [man] We ought to sue 'em for all we can. [man 2] Don't let those quacks touch you. - A broken leg's worth $500. - Yeah, but no studio infirmary for me!

- I don't blame you. - Don't sign a release. - What happened? - An accident on 15. [indistinct chatter] [man] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [siren wailing] Faye! Faye! Faye! - Faye! - Tod! - I thought I saw you underneath. - Me, too. - You OK? - Look at my hand! I had visions of you mangled, and just when I've found you again. - How's Homer? - Oh. I have so much to tell you about, about Homer and... - And Mary Dove? How's Mary Dove? - About that too.

You know you brought me to my senses. And my new clothes... And there's just so much to talk about. Hackett, Mr. Helverston's in the barber's shop. Claude Estee's on his way. - Christ. I gotta go. - Listen, why don't you come to dinner? When you gotta go, you gotta go! Homer's a swell cook. He won't let me touch housework. My hands have to be beautiful. Look, I even stopped biting my nails. - [siren wailing] - Well... My hands are still trembling. - Well... - Oh, listen, that reminds me.

I lost my purse, my money and everything. Can I borrow a couple of bucks? Here. Take her to stage 12, please. Thank you. - Excuse me. - OK, sir? Nobody's dead, thank God. Yeah. I'd say it was the classic mistake Napoleon made, when he charged Mont-Saint-Jean without knowing it was a trap. I think a joke is bad taste at a time like this, Claude. I'll get back to you. Murphy, the assistant director, - is on the critical list. - Damn shame. - Sweet guy. - Sure.

- Insurance company's notified? - Oh, yes! - We're covered? - You know, a routine investigation... - Routine investigation. - Why wasn't the hill finished? [Claude] We're not... We weren't scheduled to shoot the hill till Friday. - Right. - Definitely, definitely on Friday. - Warning signs were posted? - I'm sure. Well, sir, I'm not quite so sure about that. You see, sir, the signs were not... I'm sure signs were posted. Poor Murphy must have overlooked them in the smoke.

- Absolutely. - Unfortunately, Murphy's on the critical list. Well, to err is human. Oh, Hackett, let me buy you a haircut. - Take care of Mr. Hackett, Jack. - Mr. Hackett. [radio plays indistinctly] In a dispatch which has just come in from Germany, which strikes a much more optimistic note. German officials say that when the British Prime Minister, Chamberlain, goes to the House of Commons... [knocking] Homer. Long time no see. Come in. How's Faye?

She's out in the car. She sent me in to ask you if you'd come out to dinner with us tonight. - Well, I... - I wish you would come. It would make it a celebration. Sure, why not? Come in. Sit down. Want a drink? - So, when are you two getting married? - Faye and me? - She told me you're a swell cook. - I enjoy cooking. We seem to be going out to restaurants more recently. Faye and I have a business arrangement. Hm.

* Did you ever happen to hear of voodoo? * - * Voodoo - * Hear it and you won't give a darn * - * What you do - * You do * Tum-tum's put me under a sort of hoo-doo * - * Hoo-doo - * And the whole night long * I don't know the right from wrong * * Hot voodoo, black as mud Hot voodoo in my blood * - * The African tempo - [laughs] * Has made me a slave, mm * Hot voodoo, dance a sin Hot voodoo, worse than gin * * I'd follow a caveman Right into his cave *

* Hello, that beat gives me a wicked sensation * * My conscience wants to take a vacation * - * Got voodoo, head to toe - He's such a yuck! - Oh, no one ordered coffee. - I did, Faye. - Why? For me? - No, for me. Take it back. We're celebrating. Let's drink a toast. - Faye, I can't. - To Tod! I can't. It makes me sick. Faye knows. - One little sip. Come on, sport! - [singing continues] - Faye, people are watching. - Mama... He doesn't want to drink. Don't make him drink.

I don't like people who don't drink. It isn't sociable. - People who don't drink feel superior. - I don't feel superior. I'm drunk and you're sober. You feel superior, you know you do! Attaboy! [laughs] Well done, slobby boppy! * I wanna be I wanna be * * I wanna be, I wanna be * I wanna be bad - * Hot voodoo * - [cheers and applause] [Tod] OK, come on, let's dance. Let's dance. [soft music plays] That guy's superiority is driving me nuts. - He loves you. - Yeah, he's such a boob.

Why'd you move in with him in the first place? Well, I'm not sleeping with him, - if that's what's eating you. - So, what's the point? - Come home with me. - No. - You could tell him something. - No. Sneak out. - I can't, honey. - Why? I don't love you that way, sweetheart. You know how I am. Please... ...I want you for a friend, Tod. I need you as a friend. Pretend you still work for Audrey. But that... They were total strangers. You don't understand anything, do you? Want to move in with me?

You don't know anything about me at all, do you? Do you want to get married? If you don't know why I moved in with Homer... He's a decent man, and I was lonely. And he respects me... [sobbing] ...and he doesn't want anything! [laughs] "Garcoon." What are you gonna do with a slob like that? [laughs] [woman singing opera] [man] Alice. Alice! Alice! Alice? The meeting went off pretty well, don't you think? The insurance company seemed satisfied.

So, what do you know about Catherine the Great? That seems to be looming. Oh. Mrs. Estee decided the pool needed a dead horse in it, so... we got one. I think I fell in love with the house. Alice came with it. Oh, Arthur, did Mrs. Estee say where she was going? - Out, sir. Very late. - No messages? - No, sir. Yes, sir. - Two Scotches. Sometimes I wonder what we're doing here, grown men making mud pies to sell to the great unwashed. Claude, let me ask you something.

If it had been serious, if someone had been killed, would it have made any difference? - No one was. - If someone had been though? - Would it have made any difference? - No. The warning signs weren't posted, you know that, don't you? Would it have made any difference? We should go. You're sure it's all right to bring me along? - Hm? - She'll be thrilled. Shall I bring something? Champagne? She'd adore it. Hiya, hotsie. Claude Estee, Faye Greener. Oh! Mr. Estee!

- I wish I'd known. - I hope we're not... I'm practically nude. [giggles] For you, Miss Greener. - Faye, Mr. Estee. - Claude, Faye, please. [laughs] Stick around, Claude. I gotta dress. - Claude. - Yeah. - Fight's off. - What's wrong? - Stinkolas never showed! - [speaks Spanish] - I was gonna lay book too. - Anybody else have fighters? [Earle] No one around here. Shall we vamoose? That's a good champagne. Put it on ice. This is my champ, Juju. I gave $50 and a shotgun for him.

You've got five of 'em. You sell me one and I'll fight him against... - Pit him. Pit him. - Huh? I'll pit him against your Juju. - Put your boy Red in. - Oh, OK. - Hermano 15 bucks. I'll give you two to one. - [rooster crows] What do you call that, a goose? I wouldn't bait hook with it. It's a frame-up. Let me handle it, mister. I handled my first bird when I was ten. I fought chickens all over the Southwest and Mexico. [Claude] Have we got a chance?

Well, his comb ain't bright enough for fighting condition, but he's strong. Uh-oh, I told you we'd been cold-decked. - His beak is cracked. - That's no crack. It's just a mark. [laughs] Hey, good heart, good heart! We fight, but no bet. No bet! - [Abe laughs] - [Earle] All right, get ready! - Get ready. - OK. - Yeah, OK, OK! - Pit 'em! - [man speaks Spanish] - Ready? - Pit 'em. - [shouting] [man speaking Spanish] [Abe] I think we got a hit! Come on, now! I... Oh! I told you we got a donkey here!

[man speaking Spanish]

OK, wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold it, hold it! - Pit 'em! - [speaking Spanish] [shouting] [Abe] Stick up, stick up, come on! [crowing] - [speaking Spanish] - Fight, fight! - Everything look all right? - You look ridiculous. God! Only a nigger could wear an outfit like that. [Abe] Come on, come on! Come on, get him! Come on! [man speaking Spanish] On top, on top, on top! Stick, stick, stick! [man speaking Spanish] [crowing] - [Earle] Handle him! - [Abe] Oh, God! Handle him! Handle him!

You'll be OK, sweetie. - Get ready. - Wait a minute! [exhaling] [Abe] Come here, baby. - OK. - [Earle] OK. - Yeah, OK! Pit 'em! Go! - Pit 'em. Come on, go! Go, honey, go, honey! On top, on top! - Handle him, handle him! - Get 'em out of here! Get that stinking cannibal off! - [crowing] - Whoo-hoo! [man speaking Spanish] Yee-ha! [speaking Spanish] You like my champion, eh, shorty, eh? [laughs] * I'm flying high like a star in the sky * * As I flutter around...

Really, Claude, I mean, as an art director, what do you think? - Isn't it just a little gaudy? - No, stunning! Very... I drank bootleg better than this! [Faye] My dear, what's happened to Mr. Estee's champagne? I'm interested in your opinion, Claude, because I'm in pictures. Only extra work now, but... I haven't had a real chance yet. Acting's in my blood. We Greeners, we're all theater people from way back. [humming] I'm working on my wardrobe a lot lately. I don't believe in luck.

[laughs] Luck's just hard work, they say, and I'm willing to work hard as anyone. Who wants to dance with me? Give me that. Toddy... - Don't call me Toddy. - Sorry. Don't keep saying you're sorry. Will you quit that? Jesus Christ! - [Faye whooping] - [champagne cork pops] [Homer] I try so hard, and nothing I do seems to make her happy. - We don't have any fun anymore. - [Tod] Stop whining, Homer. You think you're the only guy that's been cold-decked by a dumb blonde?

- Shit, what's so special about you? - You're awfully young. Don't patronize me. You're a snob. You're a Bible-thumping, superior, goddamn snob! - Don't be mad at me, Toddy. - I'm not mad at you, Homey. Come on! Drink up, sloppy boppy! - [moaning] - [laughing] You got what you wanted! What the hell do you want? She's a whore, Homer, she's your business arrangement! Look in the mirror! Face your face, you stupid son of a bitch! - [Faye laughing] - [jazz plays] Oh, oh, oh! Oh, boy!

What a quiff! What a quiff! [shouting, laughter] [woman singing on record] * Let the Lord hear you shout * Pour that music right out * Sing your song tonight * Whenever there's music [all shouting, laughing] [Abe humming] What? Mm! Ah! Hey, move over, lard-ass, I want a dance. - [laughing] - [Abe] What the hell are you laughing about, you fugitive from Western Costume?

For two cents, I'd knock you out of them prop boots! Come on. Oh! Goddamn! [Abe humming] Hey! Oh! - Yah! - Ow! [Faye screams] Come on, kid, let's get out of here. Jawohl, brave leader. Can always count on you in a crisis, Estee. Jesus Christ! You filthy spy! You dirty peeping Tom! - [Claude] Hackett! - [record stops] [Claude] Hackett, you coming with me? [Abe] Come on! Anybody coming? Let's get out of here. - Let's go to a cat house. - [Claude] Hackett! [knocking on door]

- [Tod] Homer! - Who is it? Homey, it's me, Toddy. Go away. Please. [door closes] Claude! Estee! [sighs]

[Faye moaning from nearby room]

[moaning continues]

[Earle] What's going on? Faye was sick and I was taking her some aspirins. [moaning continues] You son of a bitch! [Faye screams] Supposed to be my friend! I'll kill you! [Faye] Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out! - [glass shatters] - [shouting] [Homer] It wasn't true what people thought about her. In the morning, curled up like a little girl. Sometimes at night. And she'd say she wasn't angry at me... ...and kiss me good night... ...and... ...it'd mean such happiness.

She liked fun, like sunshine in my life. People need love. People don't understand that. You shouldn't have said those things to me because you hurt me. But I wasn't angry, because I understood how mean she could be. I knew it was hard for her and sometimes she needed more than an old man like me. But I wasn't angry, because she made me happy. I never thought what it would be like... when she went away. - I'll find her. - No. No... Only if she wanted to come back. I only wanted her to be happy.

When she smiled... ...I felt good. It wasn't true what people thought. She liked fun, like sunshine in my life. I understood when her father died. Children need love. People don't understand. [sobbing] Oh, Lord, forgive me for harboring such unworthy thoughts, but sometimes I wish I could tear it all down! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! [Homer] Come home. Please come home. Come home. Come home. Come home. [man over loudspeaker] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen in radio land!

We're speaking to you from the forecourt of Grauman's Chinese Theatre here in Hollywood, California, where tonight, thousands upon thousands of people have gathered to pay their respects to the great showman, Cecil B. DeMille, and the world premiere of The Buccaneer, starring Fredric March, Anthony Quinn, Douglass Dumbrille, Walter Brennan, Beulah Bondi. You name them, we've got them in this great picture tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, one of Paramount's fine studio executives,

- Mr. Ben Shapiro. - Let him through, please. He's just a baby. Let him through so he can see. Thank you very much. [announcer] It's time for a great picture, the greatest picture I ever saw! [overlapping announcements] - [cheering] - Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed... - [all shouting] - ...the first of our stars is arriving in the limousine, and it's... Yes, it is. Ladies and gentlemen, Merle Oberon! - [cheering] - Miss Oberon! Miss Oberon! I've been waiting for hours and hours!

[PA announcement continues]

- Hey, let's move it up there! - All right! Extra, extra! Paper, sir? Extra, extra, read all about it! [police whistle blows] Homer! Homer! [PA announcements continue] Homer, get in the car and I'll drive you. - Thieves! - Shit! Homer, stay right here and I'll be right back. Stay right here! [PA] ...might have recognized, most of you are sitting close by, have already arrived. Ladies and gentlemen, Ginger Rogers! [cheering, shouting] [PA] Ginger Rogers and Tyrone Power!

Ginger, I know that all these people here, your thousands of fans in radio want to hear... Hey! Hey! Hey, get out of here! Get this guy out of here, will you? [Ginger] ...but I just love CB. And I love you too! [man] You ladies listening in on radio will have to go to your favorite theater and see the newsreels of this big event tonight to really know what I mean. Another car is driving up, ladies and gentlemen! Here they are, the lovers of the silver screen, Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy!

Nelson, I see you've traded in your Northwest Mountie outfit tonight for a tuxedo. You look absolutely magnificent! Thank you for coming! Good night, Jeanette. Ladies and gentlemen, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has provided me with pages and pages of facts and figures about tonight. - [man] Hey! - Come on, come on, buddy! Watch your step! - Watch your step! - [all shouting] Stop pushing! Get back! Get back! Get out of the way! For God's sakes, get out of the way!

[PA] Dick Powell... and Miriam Karlin! Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by. Dick Powell! [cheering] [PA] Dick, we just want to talk to you a moment. I know that your new picture is Naughty But Nice, right? - Right. - Lovely Ann Sheridan. We'll all look forward to seeing you in that! Good luck and enjoy it inside, too. Bye-bye, then. Nazi spy! [laughs] - [PA] Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna... - [blows raspberry] * Jeepers, creepers * Where'd ya get those peepers? * * Jeepers, creepers

* Where'd ya get those eyes? * * Gosh, all get up * How'd they get so lit up? * Gosh, all get up * How'd they get that size? [PA] ...The Buccaneer. Arriving, ladies and gentlemen, the very beautiful Miss Glenda Farrell! - [laughs] - [moaning] [PA] And right behind Ms. Farrell's car, ladies and gentlemen, is that new young star of The Buccaneer, you're going to be thrilled when you see him, Anthony Quinn. [shouting]

- [groaning] - [PA] Now, ladies and gentlemen, getting out of his automobile... [screams] - [shouting] - [screaming] - [PA] ...we were hoping to... - [screaming] - [Homer grunting] - [coughing] [PA] ...pictures and the press can get all they want, - newsreels... - [groaning] I'm sorry we can't get our radio microphone, but they're over there now. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Beulah Bondi - and Mr. Walter Brennan! - [woman] Murderer! - [PA continues] - Kill him!

- Some parent killed a kid! - [PA continues] - Beat him! - He's a killer! Kill him! Kill him! [PA] This crowd tonight is wonderful. [all shouting] Come on, take him! - [all shouting] - [PA continues] ...the star of The Buccaneer, Mr. Fredric March! - Please sign my book! - [Fredric] And I might tell you - that the weatherman has played a great role here... - Tod! - Tod! Come here! - The sky is crystal clear... Ladies and gentlemen, something's going on across the street.

I can't see. The klieg lights are in my eyes. But I tell you, these enthusiastic crowds here tonight are something else! I don't know what it is, it looks... That's a first for Hollywood where a star is being carried by fans all over the intersection here. Tod! But don't worry about it... Homer! Homer! Homer! [PA] ...if someone here knows exactly what's going on out there. This is not new to Hollywood. - [screaming] - Homer!

[PA] I hope my producer can find out, - maybe can get back to me. - [screaming] [Tod] Homer! Put him down! Homer! [police whistle blowing] - Homer! - ...world premiere, here at Grauman's Chinese in Hollywood. [screaming] [PA] And that person being carried across... Homer! Put him down! [PA] I'm not going to fall into that trap. In all my years of broadcasting, I have never seen crowd reaction like this! They're going absolutely frenzied!

At this premiere tonight, the police cut off in the middle of the street, but everything's under control! I tell you, if you were here, you wouldn't even believe what your eyes can see! This crowd is just 10,000 enthusiastic, happy, - wonderful people! - Don't, don't, please! Please don't! Please don't! - [PA] But no matter what you hear... - [shouting] They're loving every living minute that they're screaming here! If you don't believe me, listen!

- [screaming] - Listen to this bedlam here in Hollywood! You hear that? If you don't believe me, go to your favorite theater next week... - [microphone cuts off] - [feedback] [all shouting] Get off! Get off me! [sirens wailing] [Tod moaning] [screaming] [all screaming] Tod! - [screaming] - Stay away! Tod, please! [all shouting] [sobbing] Baby... Oh, God! Help me! Get me out of this! Let me in the car! Get out of my way! Oh, God! Oh, God! Thank God!

- [all shouting] - Son of a bitch! Get out of here! Come on! Get that nigger! Kill him! - Oh, God! Stop them! - Close the window! [screaming] [sirens wailing] [man screaming] [all shouting] Keep them out! Out! [woman moaning] [Tod sobbing, screaming] [cackling] [moaning] [rumbling] [voices shouting, moaning] [moaning, screaming] [panting, gasping] [sirens blaring] ["Jeepers Creepers" fades in]

* It's got to be sunny to me * When your eyes look into mine * * Oh, jeepers, creepers * Where'd you get those peepers * * Jeepers, creepers * Where'd you get those eyes? * * Oh, gosh all get up * How'd you get so lit up * Gosh, all get up * How'd they get that size? * Oh, golly gee * When you turn the heaters on * * Woe is me * Got to put my cheaters on * * Jeepers, creepers * Where'd you get those peepers? * * Oh, those weepers * How they hypnotize, yes * Where'd you get those eyes?

* Where'd you get those eyes at? * * Where'd you get those eyes? [scatting] * Those eyes * [song continues, instrumental]