Episode 0: Farting Hipster Hitler

at Cracked, wrote some of our most popular articles. And yeah, one of the things you were always good at is finding out interesting information about awful, awful people. Um yeah, yeah. I think the genesis of this might have come after the revolution in Ukraine where that quasi dictator Yunukovic got kicked out and he did this press conference afterwards where he was like shouting at how angry he was, and he tried to break a pencil to like emphasize a point, but he had a pin in his hands and it

just bent. And so there's just like twenty seconds of this dictator trying to break a pin and failing. And that's the stuff I want to like the sad like Michael Scott from the Office moments in the lives of all these like nightmarish dictators who who started wars and you know, ruined hundreds of thousands or millions of lives. They're all such like weird, sad people when you really

get right down to them, right. Yeah. One of our most popular articles that Cracked was you reading every single edition of the Isis Like magazine that was almost like a seventeen for Isis kids. Yeah, it's like they're people. Yeah, it's always like these monsters and their monster's regimes are always like there's this beautiful layer of the absurd that if you can get past the nightmarish human suffering, like, there's a lot to just goggle at. Yeah, it's amazing.

So in addition to being a really funny dude, Robert is also a really great journalist. The Personal Experience section of the Cracked site was where he would interview people with just really crazy or harrowing or interesting life experiences and then you would put together these articles that were, you know, funny but really interesting accounts that you've never heard before of, like what it's like to be on Heroin, what it's like to uh be on math a lot

of drugs stuff mostly that. Yeah, but um, you know, all sorts of interesting stories, things that uh truck drivers se out on the highway, which included a lot of people having sex apparently. Um but yeah, So this was one of the ideas when we decided that you were allowed to work with me again. Uh, this was I think the first idea you pitched, and uh, I got super excited right away. Yeah, I just I love talking

about terrible people. You get a deeper understanding of the world when you understand these guys, monsters like Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden and good old fashioned Hitler, Nikolaich chest Go, like all these dictators, but they're also just like like we're gonna be talking about later in the in the series, we're gonna be talking about like Hitler's young adult fiction novels that he based his plans for World War two on, And we'll be talking about like

osamban Laden's love of Hollywood movies and how he'd use it to jazz up his fighters before like going into battle. Like all these ridiculous stories that add like so much color to these people's lives and help explain like why they did the ship they did, like, but also you know, puncture the myth, like we mythologize and make these people into just these huge icons of you know, their Darth Vader type of people. And uh, actually they have bal

problems as well. Talk about today. Yeah, that's what we're getting into today. Adolf Hitler, warlord, uh monster, history's greatest evil and also a ridiculous, farting hipster in his twenties and thirties. Yeah, so you're giving them a little taste of what they would get in a normal episode, just a quick, quick in and out. Yeah. Yeah, I think a lot of people feel like they know the fewer

pretty well. You know, you've seen a lot of Hitler and movies and TV shows, and he's usually either this like psychopathic yeah yeah, yeah, he's either like the psychopathic powerful warlord or the broken, trembling wreck of a person in downfall. And those are both accurate to certain periods. But you never see nerdy hipster Hitler portrayed in fiction, do not. So. When Hitler was a teenager and a young adult, his best friend was a violinist named August

Kuba check Um. Now, after the war kuba Check wrote a book about Hitler called The Young Hitler I Knew And It's weird because Hitler and kuba Check had a very weird relationship. In the book, kuba Check writes about a time when Hitler went with him to the funeral for kuba Checks violent teacher, which quote rather surprised me, as he did not know Professor Desaur at all. When I expressed my surprise, he said, I can't bear it that you should mix with other young people and talk

to them. So that's that's the kind of friend, young little showing up at stranger's funerals. So his friend doesn't talk to anyone else. Um. So one night in nineteen five, kuba Check and Hitler are on a walk and Hitler's you know, ranting about Hitler stuff, which he apparently did from the time he was like fifteen on up. That's adorable, like just a smaller version of himself, but just always ranting.

He's always been yelling about stuff. Uh. And so during this walk they see a quote slim blonde girl, and Hitler grabs his friend's arm and says, you must know I'm in love with her now. God. According to kuba Check's book, Hitler made obsessed with this girl for like four straight years. He never talked to her, he never told her how we felt. He never flirted with her, but he forced his best friend to spy on her

and report back to him for years. Um, there's like all these crazy little like one time, there's this parade and she's one of the girls who's like handing out flowers at the parade, and she like throws one to Hitler just because he's in the crowd, and he's like that was a secret sign that she loves me. Like

he's full on nuts um. So he never talks to this girl, not once, but he becomes convinced that she loves him too, and that you know, all these different things that his friend is reporting on her doing or like her sending him secret messages because he's nuts um.

After the war, someone tracked her down and let her know that like Hitler had had a crush on her when they were kids, and she was like, I have no idea, but she did say, I once received a letter from someone who said they were to attend the Academy of Arts and that I should wait for him he could come back and marry me. I had no idea who the letter might have been from or who

I should have sent it to. So that's do you think it's like the social network thing where everything he did was secretly for this woman, like maybe she'll love me now. I think that there's a little bit of that there, because she was always dating young Austrian soldiers and Hitler kind of had a chip on his shoulder about the army because they were all these like good looking, fit guys and he was like this sick, pale kid who couldn't talk to girls. Um. See, I feel like

there's a little bit of that going on. But as he grew up, Hitler got a little bit less awkward, not a lot less awkward, but a little bit. Uh. And in his mid twenties, when his political career was still young, he started to make some rich friends. One of them was a cultured, wealthy German named Hampstengel uh.

And so this rich dude frequently would have Hitler over for dinner, but he and his wife were appalled by the man's lack of table manners uh And at one point, Hopstengle reports being horrified that Hitler was caught pouring sugar in fine wine so that he could drink it, which is like, God, it's like a Michael Scott moment, right, barbarian Right, someone hands, I'm like, here's this, you know, decade old French wine, and I'm gonna take my wine

with two lumps of sugar. Yeah, wow, that's great. Yeah. So Hitler's a classy guy. But as he grew older into his thirties and stuff, and his political career blew up, he started to make some actual money, mainly from like Nazi Party dues and stuff, and you know, he put a lot of that money into perfecting his look, which would not be at all out of place in an

all right gathering today. In the biography Hitler by Ian Kershaw Uh, Kershawn notes that the young fearer war quote a trilby, a light colored raincoat, leather leggings, and a writing whip. Yeah that's like his leather shorts and a fedora and a whip is how this guy's walking around. Yeah. Um, Hitler in the nineteen twenties was never without a whip. Another description from the book notes quote in his gangster hat and trench coat over his dinner jacket, touting a

pistol and carrying as usual his dog whip. He cut a bizarre figure in the salons of Munich's upper crust. Whip dog whip. Yeah yeah. Hitler impressed girls by whipping dogs with his hippopotamus hyde whip. Uh yeah. And also people. When Hitler would get into fights, you know, there were all these brawls, he would just pull out a whip and start whipping folks. I thought whips were cool when

I was like six. Yeah. Yeah. Hitler didn't grow out of that, and it spent like a solid decade and never leaving the house without a hippopotamus with the whip, just beating people with a whip. Um. So yeah, that's young Hitler walking around in a trill, be in a trench coat, hitting people in animals with whips. Uh. And he went by the nickname har Wolf and made all

of his friends call him Mr Wolf or the Wolf. Uh. And that was another thing he kept doing his entire life because during the invasion of Russia, his secret headquarters was called the Wolf's Lair is hair Wolf, Mr Wolf Yeah, Mr wolf Man. That is a bad nickname. That's that was Hitler's nickname for himself that he made everyone call him by he signed his love letters wolf Wolf is okay,

but Mr Wolf, he's just silly. Yeah. Well, the real meat that I want to get into here is the story of Hitler's terrible farts and how they impacted history. So we've set it up. Hitler's you know, walking around in a trill, be in a trench coat, wielding a whip, hitting dogs all the time. But he's also farting constantly. Because Hitler suffered through his entire life from what was

then known as meteorism, which is uncontrollable flatulence. Uh. He initially adopted his vegetarian diet so that his farts would get better, but they only made his farts worse. Hitler's farts were a constant source of embarrassment and important political meetings.

There's all these tales of like before he was in power, when he was still like in politics and stuff, like him meeting with all of these other German politicians and like just couldn't stop farting, and tiny and closed rooms and train cars, and it just ruins these these meetings where he's trying to like, you know, establish a consensus government or whatever. But this isn't a thing that he's overly sensitive about and you know he's worried about it. Oh,

he hates it more than other people. But it's it's actually a thing where everybody else is like, Oh, there goes Hitler, the guy who ends meetings by farting too much. Well, it was usually he would do a lot of dinner meetings and he would flee the room at the end of dinner like something. They would just Sometimes he would just run out, like right afterwards and hide for the rest of the night because his arts were so bad,

like they would stick his ass out the window. Yeah. Yeah, So in nineteen thirty six, after he's in power, he decides he's had enough of his farts, uh, and he decides to seek professional attention. This brings him into the orbit of a guy named Theodore Morrell, who was a fifty year old doctor who primarily worked on actors. So Morrell prescribed Hitler two different pills for his terrible farts. The first pills were Mooda floor capsules, which is a

medicine you can still buy to day. They're made from the poop of a World War One soldier who proved resilient to dysenterry uh. And that is actual medicine like you'll get it today for for real stomach issues, poop transplants. Yeah. The other thing he took were Dr. Kester's anti gas pills, which were just pure strychnine. Oh right, yeah, yeah, he got the farts. Yeah. There's no consensus on how much of an impact taking poison every day for a decade

had on on Hitler. Some people say that it was probably responsible for his tremors and his like horrible physical pain and ailments at the time. They it said he would have needed to take thirty a day of these pills for them to be toxic. But we know he was taking like six to ten per meal, like he was just eating them like candy. Um. And the doctor

kept him constantly, you know, stocked up on anti fart pills. Um. So there's a U. S. Intelligence report made by the precursor to the CIA during World War Two that noted all this. It's it says Hitler complained of meteorism, especially after eating black bread and cabbage, and an abnormal feeling in the epi hypogastric region. These symptoms probably were due to in neuroses, since occasional errors and diets such as the intake of lentils and pas brought only the normal

amount of complaining. Furthermore, the prescriptions of unsuitable and useless drugs for these complaints brought about improvement. Epigastric cramps and vomiting were noted during These were probably the result of constant strychnine and atropine medications and not of historic origin. So the CIA thinks Hitler's farts are all in his head and it's the poison pills and causing his cramps.

It's a weakness of character, as are all farts. Ye So, Hitler considered Morrell his savior for his anti farting pills, which apparently seemed to help UH and privately said he saved my life. Wonderful how he helped me. Um. So

Morrell became Hitler's number one doctor. UH. This led Morrell to a great wealth and power because he was able to start manufacturing vitamin pills, first just for Hitler and then for everyone who wanted to take the same pills as Hitler UM and presumably in his long like infomercial career afterwards, as Hitler's number one doctor. Yea, so he starts giving Hitler different drugs UH. Like the fact that the farting pills work mean that Hitler trusts Morrell to

do anything. So over the course of World War Two, we know that Morrell gave Hitler ninety two different medications, twenty were manufactured by firms that Morrell owned himself, and most of those had never been scientifically tested, so he was actually testing out drugs on Hitler. Hitler was his guinea pig for a lot of meta sins before anyone else would try them. He'd be like, well, let's see how it works like Hitler, and then we'll sell him

to the Germans. This makes a lot of sense. Yeah, yeah, Now there's a common myth that Hitler was addicted to methamphetamine. That's not quite true. He took a lot of meth but he didn't take anything all the time because Morrell kept him on a constant cycle of morphine, methamphetamine, cocaine,

and a variety of other substances. Jesus um So he had morphine administered about twenty five times from forty three to forty four for stomach cramps, twenty nine different injections, and sixty three kinds of oral tablets and skin applications like he's just doing a carousel of drugs for Hitler. In his last twenty eight months alive, Hitler had twenty one injections to treat colds and seven hundred and fifty seven to restore his energy. Most of those are mixes

of cocaine, methamphetamine, and vitamins. Um. So, yeah, Hitler is taking just a swinging carousel of random doses of drugs and vitamins for the entirety of World War too. Uh. And he doesn't question at any point because these are being prescribed by the doctor who was able to stop him from farting Jesus christ Man, yep, didn't. He also like sleep in till noon every day. Well, he stayed up really late to write, like back before the year

being injected seven times with ant enemies. Yeah, before the Warriors, he would stay up until like three or four in the morning watching American movies and like make all of his colleagues watch them with him. Stalin did kind of the same thing, Like that's just a dictator thing, like forcing people to watch movies with you. But yeah, where we go, that's the sort of crazy stuff you're gonna

learn about history's biggest villains. I guess on this show. Yep, yep, we're gonna uncover who was wearing tril bees and who was farting uncontrollable. Now, what does a tril be Fedora? It's like the alt rightiest hat that exists. Yeah. Yeah, so that's one thing I've learned doing this is that those eight chan Nazis are actually just kind of like returning to a pattern, and yet none of them have the balls to rocket Hitler mustache. Yeah, I'm sure they

all have horrible parting problems though. Yeah, they do not look like a good smelling bunch. Uh well all right, so yeah, so check back next week. I would recommend hitting the subscribe button and you will then be able to listen to our next episode. This has been Behind the Bastards. You can find us on at Bastard's pot and Twitter and Instagram and Facebook, or behind the Bastards dot com on the Internet. I am Robert Evans. Thank you for listening.