Exploring Betterism: Michael Starr's Journey to Empathy and Peace

My guest today is Michael Starr.

Michael's love for exploration began early. While studying at Carnegie Mellon University, he embarked on a 54 day canoe trip from Pittsburgh to New Orleans with a friend. His adventurous spirit also led him to hitchhike and bus throughout the United States, Mexico and Guatemala for four months, living on just $3 a day. Empathy and veteran facing the challenge of developing empathy for others, Michael discovered a way to empower people to make things better.

This led to a creation of his philosophy of betterism, which he details in his book Journey into peace, a language for peace, progress and healing. This book advocates for using wise and empowering language to improve one's life and avoid language that causes suffering and conflict. We welcome Michael to the podcast. Thank you. Thanks for the opportunity and honor to be here with you today. Amen.

In the last 15 years was a r and B singer, Darrell Davis. He's a black musician and singer. And Darrell has also had a very profound impact on me. He grew up, I think, in the northeast and got exposed to racism at a relatively early age, being a boy scout and leading a parade and people throwing things at him and not understanding why. And he had this quest to understand why. How could someone hate me who doesn't even know me?

And so at some point in his life, he wanted to find out about the Ku Klux Klan. And so he was on this pursuit of understanding, why do they act the way they do? Why do they believe the way they do? So he arranged for a meeting. They didn't know he was black at the time. And I guess it was kind of touch and go for a minute when the leader came into the room. But it was someone named Roger Kelly, who was a grand dragon of Maryland.

And he got to know Roger Kelly and actually was invited to attend some of the rallies where they did the burning cross and all that business. And Roger got to see him perform as a musician. And they actually became, they became friends. And Roger would invite him over to his house, and he would invite Roger over to his house, each other's homes. And Roger later on went on to be something called an imperial wizard, which is some kind of hooptie doo in the Ku Klux Klan, in the national level.

And he was able to, Darrell Davis was able to, by listening without, you know, I guess without putting people down, listening in a respectful way, asking questions in a respectful way. Not that he respected their ideology, but he respected their right to have of you and by them being heard. And I hope we could talk later on about the power of listening by them being heard by Darrell Davis, by him conducting himself in a respectful way. I believe the number was over 200.

Ku Klux Klansmen disavowed their membership with the KKK. And how is that done? Through listening, caring, and treating people in a respectful manner. And that has had a very, very big and profound impact on me. Well, you know, think about that, is that you talk about the importance of listening.

You could have gone in there and just judged, and right away, you know, been very defensive and never really looked at opportunity to break through and bring to a situation that looked maybe kind of hopeless, actually, some sense of healing and understanding. So that's a powerful story you shared. I think, is a very powerful example of how we can connect and create relationships through respect and listening. So, Michael, let's get into your book.

Can you take us back to the beginning of your journey into peace? What was the pivotal moment that set you on this path. About probably 25 to 30 years ago, I was standing on my front porch in Houston, Texas. It was a humid night, and there was an ambulance with the lights flashing and a police car with the lights flashing, and they were taking one of my family members out in a stretcher, and due to a substance abuse issue, and I looked around and I looked at this.

It was a really nice house that we had in Houston and a nice location, and it meant nothing. It was like. It was sort of the low of my life. I said, wow, all this. All this work, all this effort, all these focuses, and here I am with someone I dearly love who's on the verge of, you know, death, perhaps. And that's when I began, and that was a pretty low low for me.

That's where I began my quest to find a way to see how I could help myself and help others have less conflict, more peace, more harmony, and have a healthier view of the world around them, because we all deserve it, and we are our own greatest allies, and we are also our own greatest enemies at times. I love that. I like the idea of your book betterism, and it's the central theme of your book. How do you practice this philosophy in your daily life?

Well, let me just define a little bit of my definition of betterism. It's a word I coined. I'm sure others have used it in another context. But betterism goes back to, as we began our conversation, about me competing against myself being better. So it's about the philosophy of continually looking to ways to be a better mic. I have these states of being that I introduce, like, 20 of them. One's called be the stream. That a stream only exists in movement. It only exists in moving forward.

And when it runs against an obstacle, it goes over, under, around, but it continues undeterred. And so betterism is this continual pursuit of finding ways to be a better me. And part of that is to set goals along the way. But these are not a traditional view of a goal where it's a destination. I climb on Kilimanjaro five years ago, and the goal was get to the summit.

But the goal really is not only the destination, but it's the journey towards that destination, a journey that is fun, a journey that is full of healthy relationships, and a journey that has integrity. And achieving the destination is important as well. But in a lot of ways, we spend more time on the journey than we do at the destination.

I remember reading a book by, I think, Chuck Noll's biography, who was coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers and his wife commented, after winning the Super bowl, he kind of felt empty. It would be like, okay, what's next? Win another Super bowl. So the time that we are at the peak is a short time. Really enjoy the journey, but do it with integrity and do it in a way that has healthy relationships along the way.

There's a saying that I often quote is, I've climbed a ladder of success only to reach the top and realize my ladder is against the wrong wall. I think that conclusion is incorrect, though. It isn't necessarily that your ladder is against the wrong wall. It's that your process of going up the ladder probably was lacking healthy relationships or integrity or doing things that were fun.

Because we can have lots of destinations, they're almost somewhat arbitrary, as long as they're done with integrity and have some pertinence to what's valuable in our life. But, you know, live life in a way of integrity. And I love adventure and fun. So you mentioned adventure, and I looked at your bio, and you've done some travels. How has that adventurous life and those experiences shaped the language and the message of your book?

Well, I think one of the things that it's taught me that focus on process, if you're looking, going back once again to a goal, is the journey plus the destination. That's part of my languaging. But to have these goals, like, for example, climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. I was 69 when I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. I spent a year preparing to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, which fortunately, I was successful in doing after ten days of ascent and descent.

But I went into that sort of because of where I was in life, with the understanding that it wasn't just about getting to the peak. Euro Peak is the name, the actual peak on that mountain, but it was about the journey to get there. So I spent a year with personal trainer, I spent a year hiking all over the country. My wife and I flew to Flagstaff, Arizona, because, like the tallest mountain in Arkansas, where I live, is like 2000ft.

So we went to Flagstaff, which was 12,000ft, saw a doctor, saw a heart doctor, thought I had a hernia. Turned out I had a double hernia. I got all those things taken care of, but it was so exciting, it was so much fun, the process, and I was focused on that process of prepare. You know, I watched YouTube videos, I talked to the leaders of the group, which was peak Planet. That took us up there. I sought medical attention. My diet was the best it could be. I did all this preparation.

My wife was my partner in crime and preparing for all that. It was so much fun. So when I landed in Kilimanjaro airport, it was probably near midnight, it was nighttime. And Kilimanjaro airport's a fairly small airport. If you've ever been to, like, burbank or Sacramento airport, it's probably smaller even than those. And I remember when I got through customs, I was the last person to get through customs. And I said to myself, let the game begin. I am ready.

I don't know what this outcome is going to be. What is this 69 year old body going to do when we're at 19,300ft and 50% oxygen? I don't know. I don't know how my blood pressure is going to react. And as it turned out, it was a little touch and go there for a while. So there's certain things that are. It's sort of a let go and let God type of thing. You have to just sort of leave it in the hands of God, leave it in the hands of universe, whatever your view is. But you can impact that preparation.

So I say focus on prophecies, focus on preparation. Prepare the best that you can, but enjoy your preparation along the way. I love that because you're right, it is. And that language is so important for us. It really is about the journey versus the peak.

Being a Steelers fan, I appreciate that. No, didn't stop with the one championship, so. But, yeah, the journey is so critical. It is life. Yeah, but the destination gives the journey context, and the journey gives a destination context. You can't have a journey that I think in my opinion, that is meaningful. Unless you have a destination that you're pursuing, you may not reach the pinnacle, but you have a direction, and you're pursuing that direction. So they're symbiotic.

They need each other to coexist to be meaningful. Right. I agree. You started out our conversation talking about the importance of empathy and how it's a powerful tool. As you think about your own personal story, I know you shared one. Is there a time when empathy led to a breakthrough besides the example you showed in understanding and even communication? Yeah. One example that does stand out for me, and it's a real nuts and bolts example.

I come primarily from the world of nuts and bolts, manufacturing and maintenance of locomotives. And I've managed thousands of people, and I have budgets of. At one time, I had a budget of $100 million a year with several hundred people working for me. So my experiences are grounded in what I call the reality of, you know, nuts and bolts. I was a new plant manager, having transferred from Los Angeles to Houston. I was new in Houston, and I was walking through the shop, and the.

One of the union reps for the machinists approached me in a rather belligerent and antagonistic tone of voice and said something to the effect, there were some expletives there. You really think you're doing an effing good job here. And he was pretty po'd about it. And I'd already been a manager for a number of years, and I had a little bit more, I guess, with under my belt.

Had he approached me, say, five years previously, my view of him, my perception, my paradigm of him, my language relating to him would have been, he's a malcontent, he is a antagonist, he is an enemy. And I would have approached him in a certain way, more maybe defensive, or maybe I'd have been more offensive.

But at that stage in my life, I kind of reached the point that I understand that, you know, if we cannot take things personally and we realize that a lot of pain that people project onto others is internal pain they have within themselves. I saw him in pain. I saw that as a cry for help. I could have seen it as an attack or angry. And so my view of him was that he's got a cry for help, or he's in pain, his people are in pain, he wants to be heard.

And so, leading with empathy, I said to him, so why do you feel that way? And he says, well, you did ABC and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I says, well, okay. And then kindly I said to him. A is company policy. I didn't have a choice, and I expanded on that. B is something I've used at another facility, and we do have the worst safety record here, and I think we should try something new to improve that. And c is not something that's in the works right now.

And then I would continue on and say, what else? What else? What are other things that you're concerned about? And to make sure that he was heard. I hear you. Here's what you're saying. I not only hear your exact words, but I hear your emotion, and I legitimize you and respect the fact that you feel the way you do. And I probably would feel the way you do as well if I was, you know, seeing things as you see them. As a result of that, we became just great allies.

And with him and some of the other unions and some of the other folks at that facility, we became, we went from the most unsafe facility out of about seven to the safest facility, the best productivity, the best quality, and most importantly, I think, fantastic employee engagement where employees really felt they were heard and felt they were part of the team.

So by changing my language, my thinking, my perception of seeing, hey, a cry for help, someone in pain as opposed to an enemy, and being angry at him, it made all the difference in the world in creating an ally in the months and years ahead. And I was there for seven years. You mentioned earlier that you want to get back to this.

Let's talk about it now, because you gave an example of that. Talk about the power of transformative listening. I'd like to give a short example. I am an active member of Al Anon, which is a group for supportive families of alcoholics. I'm also an active member in the Nami organization, which is an organization for. It's a national association for mental illness, for mental illness. And both of those situations are and have been in my family.

And so I'm very interested in how, I mean, if there's ever a place that we want to be impactful with people, it would be people who are addicted to something or people who have a mental illness. I mean, it's the most challenging because the consequences of that are these dysfunctional family relationships, impacts on children, impacts on the penal system and crime. It is so huge. And in his book, there's a fellow named Javier Amador, and the book's called I'm not sick. I don't need help.

And he's a psychotherapist. And he talks about reflective listening. I talk about relationship listening. Using slightly different languaging. But he talks about how valuable listening was in learning to connect with his brother, his older brother, who was schizophrenic. And my, you would think schizophrenic. I mean, that's like, at the one end of the spectrum of how challenging could be to kind of be influential with people.

So he found that by focusing on the relationship, that listening was the bridge that helps us build relationships, healthy relationships of trust, respect. And so he would have. He would listen, and he would say things like, you know, if I saw things the way you did, or I was, I would. I would feel the same way. You know, even if his brother said something really bizarre, like, there's Martians that are coming out at night, which schizophrenics can have some pretty bizarre kind of behavior.

And he created this movement. It's called leap listening, empowering, agreeing and partnership, that it's been shared with millions of people all over the world as a means of connecting with people. And so I, if it works in the mental health area, just think how effective it can be with us. So I found in relationship listening, which I call it, that it's about listening.

Be the student, listening to learn, be the empowering mirror, listening to reflect back to them, kind of a summary what they heard of. Once people feel hurt, acknowledged and respected, then now there is a clearing, there is an opening, there is an opportunity for them to say, well, what do you think?

But prior to that, it's best to keep your opinions and thoughts to yourself until they're ready to listen or to acknowledge that maybe you have something to say, but they're not going to do that until they feel respected. You know the old saying, people don't care much, you know, until they know how much you care.

And I think that applies to but effective listening, I would say, is the single most valuable interpersonal skill that we can develop in having healthy relationships, not only with others, but with ourselves. I love that. I was also moved by your journey, that you went on a trip around the world in Mexico and Guatemala on $3 a day, living on that tight of a budget and traveling like you did.

How has that shaped your perspective of the language of generosity and gratitude? Well, certainly, and this goes back to my mother to some degree, who was so grateful to be in the United States of America, having endured what she did with the communists and seeing women hung up in the town square with their chest cut open and babies stuffed inside, stripped naked along the railroad tracks by the Nazis and sprayed with oil to be delast and all the dehumanizing things that she faced.

But through all that, she maintained an attitude of graciousness and gratitude and to be grateful for the simple, simple things, you know, as I traveled through those four months or so, four or five months, through Mexico, Guatemala, the United States, I did everything from working the jackhammer to just sleeping in the bushes, sleeping in Salvation army missions, I became very grateful for hot showers. I love hot showers. It's like one of my great happinesses in life.

I mean, I wake up even today, I'm like, oh, man, I'm so glad I could take a hot shower today. And you realize it's the simple things in life that mean so much. Healthy relationships, you know, relationships that are largely devoid of conflict, largely devoid of anger or hate, but full of respect and support. So, you know, the best things in life are free. They're not. They don't cost a lot of money. I remember when I came back across the border, I think it was in Brownsville, Texas.

I was coming back to the United States because I had to go into the Navy in a few months, which is part of the reason I was doing my Jack Kerouac thing. And I had, like, I think, like, $2.45, and I just crossed into Brownsville, which is still about a couple thousand miles away from Pittsburgh. And I'm thinking, like, wow, I got more than enough money to make it home. I'd stop somewhere, find a white castle, get one of those slider hamburgers. I was good for the day.

Those burgers come back to get you, though. So, you know, I want to talk a little bit about your book. What is one actionable piece of advice from journey into peace that my listeners could implement today to foster a more peaceful and progressive mindset?

Well, at the risk of being self promoting, I would say buy the book, read the book, study the book, teach the book, live the book. I mean, I have spent 25 years getting the book ready, ten years actually writing the book. And it is my, I guess my effort to try this, make this world a better place for everybody. As far as a particular thing that comes out of the book, we talked about listening, and so learn to be an effective listener. And I think empathy.

I have a term called the EBC, symbiotic three empathy, boundaries and consequences. I think if we lead with empathy in our views of ourselves and others, people can help being who they are, given their birth order, their age, their DNA, their parents, their socioeconomic status, their geography, all the factors that that led into them being who they became is inevitable. They would become who they became.

And if we can have empathy towards others because we live in an age right now that we have what I call Contra identities, where people identify themselves as oppositional. I'm good because you're bad. I'm smart because you're stupid. I'm great because you're a dummy. It's sort of like, whatever happened to merit? I'm good because I play the saxophone. Really great. Or I'm good. I know how to resolve conflicts. Or I'm good because I. I know how to, you know, do ceramic tile, whatever.

So we've moved away from a meritocracy and more into this sort of, I guess people feel entitled and etcetera. But I'd say, you know, move away from, you know, being a victim. Be more self reliant, and focus on understanding, as Christ said. Because when Christ said in the Bible, forgive them, father, for they know not what they do. And I have a whole chapter on forgiveness. I see it as a noun, not a verb.

I don't see forgiveness as an actionable thing we can do, but as a place we can achieve, where we no longer harbor bad feelings. And I give a whole chapter about how we can do that is that when we focus on trying to understand why people are the way they are, there's nothing left to forgive. We just. It is what it is. And so by having this understanding of people can help being who they are, we free ourselves. Because what gets in the way of our really good behavior?

Anger, resentment, despondency, conflict. What happens if we wipe most of that stuff out? Then we could be the beautiful people that we deserve to be and are, I think, designed to be. I love that. I'm always curious of my guests and people who are reached this kind of stage in your life. When you think back to all the things you've done, what do you want to be remembered for when your life is over? I don't care. I don't care if they even remember my name.

But I do care that I was someone who introduced a way of thinking. You know, change your language, change your thinking, change your thinking, change your observations and perceptions, change them. And you change the way you interact the world around you. Whether or not they link that to me or not is. I really don't care.

But I do care that my message, which I strongly, strongly believe in and advocate, is a message of, there is a way to make peace with the past, achieve progress in the future, and live today free of resentments, hatred and anger. In harmony with other people around us, and that through language. And I have three types of language. Why is empowering language, useless language, and dangerous and tyrannical language?

By improving our language, we can improve the quality of not only our life, but our relationships around the planet. And I hope that seed grows and spreads regardless of who gets the credit. I love that. Where can my audience connect with you and purchase a copy of your book, journey into peace? Well, they could connect with me on my website, executivecoachingservices.net. executivecoachingservices.net. The book is available in kindle or paperback on Amazon.

Journey into peace by Michael Journey into peace by Michael M. Star. And that's how you could do it. Well, Michael, thanks so much for having this great talk with us and kind of pointing us again to how much important language plays in our understanding and how much it can shape and change our culture around us. And, you know, we have so much language today that is hurtful and not productive and not peaceful that I think people are seeking.

How can I live a more peaceful, reflective life as opposed to one that's always filled with conflict, tension and trauma? So I appreciate what you've done here, and I appreciate the fact that it's centered on Christ's example, because I think that's really important for us to talk about making lasting changes, that what's the center of that change? And who are we modeling that change after? So I appreciate the work that you're doing. Amen. Thank you so much, Michael.

Thank you, sir.