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You're part of the team. You're part of our family. Come join us. Make no mistake about it. He's coming for us. Could you imagine Biden doing this? I don't think so. Because News with Gavin Crawford. Ah, hey, everybody. Hot crow. Hello. I'm Gavin Crawford. Welcome to Because News, Canada's funniest news quiz.
Pierre Polyev said this week that while he wants to cut the federal public service, he doesn't object to remote work. The conservative leader said it seemed perfectly reasonable that some people could do their jobs from home once it was explained to him what a job is. Over the next 30 minutes, we'll be making games out of the news. Let's welcome this week's panel. She would like to send Elon Musk a controversial hand gesture of her own. Put your hands in the air for Martha Chavez.
We will do. I'm glad this is radio. Yeah. And I will say I just mean I love you. In the middle chair, she is excited that it's men's fashion week and less excited that it's men's fascism week. Welcome back, Ashley Boddy. Yeah, love those military uniforms, but not the Nazi ones.
Finally, he's like a British newspaper, relentless, determined, and legally has to apologize to Prince Harry. Give it up for Miguel Rivas. Oh, I still say he should have shaved. All right, panel, are you seated semi comfortably? Yes. Perfect. Then let's begin. Here we go. Gather round, panel. It is Because News story time. Have a listen to this lovely tale about a toddler with a magic pen and be ready to quiz.
Donnie had a big black Sharpie, and anything he wrote with it came true. Donnie loved his Sharpie and used it to change the path of hurricanes, alter maps. He even used it to get people out of jail. Of course, Donnie's big black Sharpie didn't really have unlimited powers, but everyone around pretended that it did. So Donnie sat, day after day, writing his huge name everywhere.
All right, panel, there's your heartwarming kid's tale. Can you tell me for a point why were Sharpies making a big appearance in the headlines this week? Because everyone in the United States has clearly been sniffing them. It's actually because they were discovered to be woke because the most popular color of Sharpie is black. They got DEI'd. It's terrible. I think that I know what it is. Trump.
He just used it because he just loved to write his signature, and then he declared this, and he declared that, and changed this, and that because I want to. And, you know, that's what he did. You're correct for the points. Yes, the Vanity Fair headline reads, Donald Trump takes a Sharpie to democracy. Within hours of being sworn in, President Trump signed dozens of executive orders, all with the help of some big, bold, permanent markers.
One of the first things he did with his magic pen is to order a new name for something. Panel, for a point, what does Trump want to rename? He wants to rename the Smithsonian because he has a lot of trouble spelling it. Call it the Smith. He wants to rename the White House. No, actually, he's very comfortable with that name. With this obsession that he wants Canada, he wanted to change Lake Superior to Lake Superior Race.
He probably wants the Great Lakes because he thinks they're actually great. Yeah. He's like, they got the Great Lakes. We need the Great Lakes. We need the Great Lakes. Make the Great Lakes great again. Call them Great Lake 1, Great Lake 2, Great Lake 3. It's called Eerie. I'm not scared of it. I'm not scared of it. He said he wants to rename the Gulf of Mexico.
A short time from now, we are going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. I wonder if he spells it G-O-L-F, because he likes it so much. It's now the Gulf of America. Only condos all the way around.
Also on Trump's to-do list, taking a Sharpie to the Constitution. How, for a point panel, did Trump try to wield his Sharpie against the U.S. Constitution this week? Well, he said, unless you are from Slovenia or the former Republic of Czechoslovakia, if you have a child in the United States, it's not American. That's what he said. You are correct for the point. I mean, he did leave out the part where actually Baron isn't. He's hating on immigrants, but his wife speaks like Boris and Natasha.
I don't like that. He signed an order that aims to end birthright citizenship, which allows anyone born in the U.S. to be considered a citizen, which has been a constitutional right since the late 1800s. There was a lot of uproar over that decree. A panel just before this taping, a federal judge has already temporarily blocked that order. Oh, good. And then that will go all the way up to the Supreme Court and... Oh, no! Yes. After a long day of signing stuff, Trump ended the workday with some typical Trump...
flair. In what Trumpish way did Donald end his day of signing? Ashley? You know, he just took a nice bath in some OJ. No, no, no, no, no. He threw the sharpies. You're correct for the point. The ABC News headline reads, Trump throws pens used to sign executive orders into the crowd. Yeah. There is at least one thing Trump has not signed yet, and that has one country holding its breath. What previously promised...
What thing did Trump not do on day one, Ashley? Tariffs. You are correct. We all thought day one he'd just be like 25 percent across the board and it didn't happen. And we're just hanging on his every word like tenderhooks. We're like, he didn't say it. We're free. We're fine. And then an hour he's like, Canada, we're like, we're doomed. Like we're just on this roller coaster of this crazy man's hostile emotions right now. We have to be like reacting like kids when you're bullies like.
Meet me in the parking lot at four o'clock. You're dead, Crawford. All day. I'm like, oh, crap. And he's like, no, I meant four o'clock on Wednesday. Like, oh, great. Now I got to be worried till Wednesday. I'm loving this window into Gavin's awful childhood. Relax, Gavin. It's been 58 years. The BBC headline reads, Canada avoids Trump's tariffs for now. Do we think he even knows what he's going to do? Because I feel like when he was asked about it and he was like, oh, yeah.
At first. Like, I don't think he knows what he's doing. No, I can't believe it. Ashley, that's disrespectful, Ashley. Look at him, he's orange. If he knew what he was doing, would he go out in public like that? No.
Well, if Trump's many threats are weighing on your mind, I guess take a number. A recent headline from the Globe and Mail reads, Experiencing political anxiety? You're not alone. No! We're all in this together, folks. That article offered some suggestions for dealing with political anxiety, but it was the usual stay offline, find community, or curl into a ball type of thing. And sometimes being told not to doom scroll just doesn't cut it. So this week, CNN looked...
To the past for comfort. Panel, can you guess where CNN suggests we turn for solace? To the bottle. No. Just look back at history to any of Trump's other enterprises that he drove completely into the ground. Yeah. And hope for a repetition of the pattern. Trump University, Trump State. Trump Casino. He broke a casino. The casino always wins. The CNN headline reads, he wore a toga and spoke Latin. This ancient philosopher can help you survive the anxiety of the 2024 election. Which?
Toga-clad guru can help us, panel. It's going to be Pythagoras because the whole Trump presidency is going to be a right angle. Wow. It's not every day you get a theorem joke. That joke was for anyone with tape on their glasses. Meet me at the flagpole. Four o'clock on Wednesday, next Wednesday.
It is, in fact, Marcus Aurelius. Marcus Aurelius, one of the Stoics. The Stoics, of course, practice the endurance of pain with an emphasis on knowledge and virtue. Canadians could likely use a bit of Stoic philosophy right now from Seneca. Panel, this is an easy one. What was the philosopher Seneca's famous quote about worrying? Ashley. Worrying makes an oar out of boo and yee. Ashley is having a stroke. Of genius.
It's like, don't worry, be happy, essentially. You're not far off. Don't be sad. Cheer up. I don't know. Seneca put it this way. A man who suffers before it is necessary suffers more than is necessary. That guy was really smart. That's true. I guess it is. Don't worry, be happy. Yeah. A man who suffers before it's necessary suffers more than necessary. Don't suffer more.
You don't suffer more than necessary. Well, we're having fun. Sorry, audience. Well, let's move on from the Stoics then, panel, if that's not your cup of tea. According to CBC's ideas, one way to deal with these polarized times is to employ one of the practices of Nietzsche. Which practice of Nietzsche should you employ in these troubled times? Just remember that God is dead and no one's coming to save you.
Exactly. I think Nietzsche said, scream into a hole to see if it answers. Into the abyss. But because there are not many abysses in Toronto, I say, scream into a hole. Like the sinkhole in the gay village. And no one will notice or look at you. I'd blend right in. The headline reads, polarizing times call for Nietzsche's practice of passing by. What is passing by?
It's the idea of like, don't engage if you don't have to. We feel like we have to respond to every single thing. It's kind of like, just let the lion eat the antelope. You don't have to stop it because then you'll get eaten as well. That is correct. That can't be right. I know, it's weird. I don't know. Do you think the Greeks doom scrolled? Yeah, but it was like a physical scroll.
That's when your scroll's too long and it rolls on the floor when you open it. Like, oh no, I had to delete papyrus this morning. I was spending too much time. Don't worry. Be happy. Don't worry, be happy. I'm Gavin Crawford. This is Because News. This week I'm joined by panelists Ashley Bodding, Miguel Rivas, and Martha Chavez.
This week, we learned that Canadians will soon be saying goodbye to something, panel. To help you figure out what it is, please welcome our resident Because News troll, Kevin. Hi, Kevin. Thanks, Kevin. Here's my riddle. You've probably never had one, this oozy, sludgy blob, because there's lots of other tasty things with which to fill your gob. But if you feel nostalgic longing for the days of yore, then hurry up and catch me before I leave the corner store. Where am I?
First of all, ew. I can picture the inside of your sinuses now, so thanks for that. Ashley, you heard about a sludgy blob and leaving a corner store. Can you solve Kevin's riddle? Yeah, Kevin wants to know what he is. He's my ex. You said you'd never tell. Don't, Kevin, not here. Martha Chavez, what is the answer to Kevin's riddle? I have no idea. That was too Canadian for me.
I'm an immigrant. I don't know everything you eat in this country. Yeah, give Martha a chance. She's only been here for 25 years. 40. All right, I will tell you then. The headline from CBC reads, Hershey's Canada sending cherry blossom to the chocolate graveyard. RIP, you nasty, dusty piece of garbage. I mean, to be fair, I might give Ashley a point for that because the boxes generally are dusty.
Oh, yeah, they're on the shelf for seven years. You'll be able to get them for seven years, folks. The cherry blossom. Go into the chocolate graveyard. Anyone been to the chocolate graveyard? That's when you play soccer baseball in the rain at recess. Chocolate graveyard. The chocolate-coated cherry treat dates back to the 1890s. Originally manufactured by Lowney's, it is being discontinued this year. When you get to the center, it's a very special center. It's a cherry special theme. It's a chocolate-coated creamy center. Cherry.
If you get to the center, shame on you. If you get to the center, get to the hospital. Hershey didn't provide any details as to why the cherry blossom is being discontinued, but a food marketing professor from Concordia had an idea. According to the professor, consumers are looking for treats that surprise them and take them somewhere else.
Then surprise you and take you somewhere else are mushrooms. Yeah, I guess so. Or kidnappers. Never let your candy take you to a second location. As the old saying goes, panel, when God closes a door somewhere, he opens a window for another fun snack. This week, Progresso Soup Company stepped up to the plate.
Can you guess what fun snack you can now get from the Progresso Soup Company? Soup-flavored bubblegum. Kind of. The headline reads, Progresso's new soup drops are wilder than Willy Wonka could have dreamed. It is a soup...
Flavored candy. I wasn't that far with the bubble gum. No, you were not. According to the website, well, it's soup you can suck on, of course. It's essentially a savory lozenge, a hard candy that tastes like chicken noodle soup. I mean, it sounds like they're just describing a bullion cube. Yeah. Progresso is releasing the soup drop this January for two very special reasons. Why this January? In time for Valentine's Day.
Honey, I got you some soup drops. Oh, honey, you reek like gazpacho. I think you're super. It's peak cold and flu season is why. And also January, if you did not know, is National Soup Month. So everybody get out there and grab yourself some soup drops.
So now it's not copper soup, but it's copper suck. I don't understand it. How much do you figure you pay for a packet of soup drops? They'd have to pay me. Soup drops. You want to talk about Trump again? No. No, no, no, no. Give me the soup drops. Oh my God. Knock it off and get on board with the soup drops, guys. Give me the soup drops.
But it doesn't matter because we are still talking about abominations. Who wants that soup suck? Yeah, we're still talking about the horrors of the world. Well, there goes my chance of getting sponsored by Progresso. Soup, drop it like it's hot.
I'm Gavin Crawford, and this is Because News. This week I'm joined by panelists Ashley Botting, Miguel Rivas, and Martha Chavez. Martha's so upset by Snoop Dogg performing at Trump's inauguration ball, she's going to burn all her marijuana. Yes! Because News. With Gavin Crawford. They are the fake, fake...
Disgusting news. Panel, with everything that's going on in the headlines, sometimes at Because News, we make sure we don't miss the smaller, more local stories that matter to everyday Canadians. To do that, we usually turn to my somehow still alive grandfather, Ezekiel, who is here now to bring you news from the porch.
Thanks, Gavin. I can't believe this show's still on. Anyways, as I was sitting on my porch the other day, I started thinking, you know, the problem today is that nobody knows how to mind their own business anymore. I blame social media. But then I saw this article, and I kind of think it proves my point. Get a load of this headline panel.
calls list. Can you tell me for a point, why did the bylaw workers feel the need to release a list of the calls made by the public? This is just awkward for me because I also used to date Ezekiel. Good times. Miguel? They released the calls to the public so that we would look ourselves in the mirror and feel shame.
That is correct for the point. They said they released the cost to educate people on what a bylaw officer can actually do. Because apparently people have all kinds of things that they think are illegal and they're really eager to snitch on their neighbors about it. I'll give you some from the list in the article. In quiz form.
One resident requested action be taken against a neighbor because they put something in their driveway that violated community standards. What was it? Martha? I love beef. A flag that says that in BC where people are vegetarians. That's a very plausible guess, but it is incorrect. Anyone else? I thought maybe just it would violate community standards to put a casino in your driveway. It would, but no. Miguel? Violates community standards. A Tesla.
Wow, you're close, but it was in fact a yellow vehicle. I can't believe you didn't get that. Another potential crime was reported by the bylaw officers regarding a neighbor's back fence. Someone claimed the fence was freaking them out. An action needed to be taken. What was so freaky about the fence? It was electrified. Oh, that's a good guess and so wrong. He had a scarecrow.
That was kind of like watching what they were doing, no? Oh, you're real close. Ashley? I was going to say the eyes in the wood. It was close to a scarecrow because they called in because there was a creepy cat sat on the fence and stared at him.
And they thought that was a crime. Yeah. Oh, they had too much time in their hands, I tell you. So there you go. That's the news I think Canadians really care about these days. Personally, I don't see the point of bylaws. People should just be allowed to do whatever they want to do as long as it doesn't bother me or make me feel uncomfortable like one of them rainbow crosswalks.
This has been Ezekiel. Back to your dumb show, Gavin. DM me. DM me, Ezekiel. I miss you. No bylaws. Only straight laws. And clear laws. I'm Gavin Crawford. This is Because News. We've got Martha Chavez, Ashley Bodding, and Miguel Rivas, who in honor of the late David Lynch will do the next round speaking backwards in another dimension. Because News. Yes.
Hi, my name is Alameen Abdelmahmoud, and I would like to invite you to the group chat. It's called Commotion, and I promise it is not another text thread that's going to blow up your phone. It's a podcast where I talk to some of the smartest and funniest culture critics we can find about the biggest stories in arts and pop culture. We are talking about things like Beyonce's Grammy snub or the future of the WWE and so much more. You can listen to new episodes of Commotion every weekday, available wherever you get your podcasts.
Panel, it is time for the most exciting round of news we ever do here on the show. That's right, it's time for board game news! Panel, I want you to have a listen to this fake ad for a new game and see if you can guess the story that inspired it. There's the air raid, siren! Hurry, better get underground into the bunker and don't forget your flashlight! Yes!
I just traded for six months' rations, suckers. From Fun Zone Games, it's the board game everyone really should play. Always ready. The board game taking over game night, but hopefully not the whole island. Aw, shucks. The generator's out of juice. Now I gotta go to the surface. Watch out for searchlights. Roll the dice. Trade for canned beans and learn fun skills like spying and disguise. There are plenty of ways to win when you play Always Ready. Taiwan! I mean...
Always ready. Batteries for bucket lights not included. All right, panel, there is your fake ad. Can you name the news that inspired our fake board game, Always Ready? I believe it's about how to prepare for becoming the 51st state.
I mean, that is a good guess and it could be, but it is not. Ashley. Always ready is me at a buffet. Is that right? It's a fun board game. Feed Ashley at a buffet. No. It sounds like it's like war related because someone's in a bunker and they're going to the surface. So is it about the apocalypse, the zombie apocalypse, some sort of war? That's got to be right. Something in there. It is about a war. In fact, the headline from Al Jazeera reads, could a board game help prepare Taiwan for war with China?
Successful players can win either an individual victory or victory of Taiwan, but not both. So it's not going to be victory of Taiwan, too. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow. There could be one slight problem, however, with the manufacturing of the game 2045. What is that slight problem? It's for sure that it's made in China. You are correct.
For the points. Yeah. Oh, no. Mizo Games, the parent company, usually manufactures all their games in China. Yeah. 2045 wasn't the only board game making news lately. Panel, a classic family board game has announced they're about to make some modern updates. What classic family board game is getting a 2025 update? Martha. Monopoly. You're correct. For the points.
Finally, finally. I thought chess was finally going to get an update. Been waiting on that. Ashley, did you have any guesses? I was going to say the game of life, but you just you don't leave the starting. You just stay home and scroll. The game of life. It's one square. There's no spinner. Martha gets the point on that one. The headline from Polygon reads Monopoly getting a major overhaul in 2025. Monopoly was originally designed to teach people a lesson panel. What was the original point of Monopoly?
Thimbles do not go as fast as cars. For Ashley Botting to learn to get terrorized by her brother with his hotels and watching him go, yes, yes, while I gave him all my money. It was to despise the evils of capitalism, but instead it showed us to want to be capitalists. It was a how-to. You are correct for the point. The headline from BBC reads,
Monopoly was invented to demonstrate the evils of capitalism. Unfortunately, much like capitalism itself, it was simply too fun. And it made people feel way too good to stop. So in their efforts to modernize Monopoly, the game is embracing capitalism. What are they changing? You don't have to go to jail anymore. You can do whatever you want. You can build your hotels and not pay people. And you don't have to go to jail.
Elon Musk owns the bank. And now everything is in cryptocurrency. Those are all good guesses. Ashley gets the point. Monopoly is adding a go-to-jail expansion in which players can win corruption cards that are only available to convicted felons. It's Monopoly. No longer a game, just a reflection. And that's it for another exciting edition of Because News. Our champion this week is...
Why it is Martha Chavez. Congratulations, Martha. You have the honor of reading our credits. I am Gavin Crawford. Experts advise against exercising if the temperature is below minus 18 degrees. So if you can see your breath, you're okay. And if you can see your soul, stop. We'll see you next week. Why? Thank you so much for being here. Give it up for Miguel Rivas, Ashley Bodding, and Martha Chavez.
This is your amiga Marta Chavez, the winner of Because News. Congratulations to my illustrious runners-up, Ashley Button and Miguel Rivas. Because News is written and produced by Vanessa Greco, Pete Murray, Gavin Crawford, Phil Long, and Jess Klimowski. This week they had help from... John Caruana, and John Blair. Rounding out the team is Erin Conway, Browning Page, Chris Lyons, and our fabulous recording engineer, Paul Hodge. For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.