How did the internet go from this... You could actually find what you were looking for right away, buying to this. I feel like I'm in hell. Spoiler alert, it was not an accident. I'm Cory Doctorow, host of Who Broke the Internet from CBC's Understood. In this four-part series, I'm going to tell you why the internet sucks now, whose fault it is, and my plan to fix it. Find Who Broke the Internet on whatever terrible app you get your podcasts. This is a CBC Podcast.
I'll be known as the fertilization president. He says, and he says, Hello, everybody. I am Gavin Crawford. Welcome to Because News Canada's Funniest News Quiz. Why? smoke rises from the Vatican which of course means we have chosen this week's panel. He just got in from seeing if a hundred men could fight a gorilla and boy are his arms ripped off. Comedian Ivan Decker. Hello. Good afternoon!
In the middle chair, re-wearing what they wore to the Met Gala, because why buy a giant top hat that covers your whole body and only wear it once? It's the always-on point, and John is Charlie. I'll wear the top hat next time I'm on. And finally, if she does not win today, she's going to see if Ivan will give up his seat so she can just try again. A very crafty Jan Garwana. You know, sometimes you just got to elbow your way in there.
All right, panel. Are you ready to make games out of the news? Yeah! Yes! That's the enthusiasm I love to hear. All right, then let's begin. Here we go! Panel, we joke around a lot on this show. I mean, actually, it's kind of the point, really. But sometimes the news gets real serious, and we simply can't be silly about it. So... Please now just have a listen to this very important breaking news clip that you simply have to hear to believe.
I just wanna tell you how we're feeling Gotta make you Never gonna get Never gonna let I'm never gonna take down and That's right, you got rec-rolls! I love it! Yes, I've been waiting so long to rec-roll the panel, and yet you still heard all those lyrics. Tell me for a point, if you can, why Never Gonna Give You Us was all over the headlines this week.
I feel like there's a political angle to this. Is it that Polyev will never be the Canadian Prime Minister? Because I feel like it might be that. That is in the ballpark, but incorrect. Ivan, I thought it was somebody asked Loblaws when they're going to start carrying Canadian produce. The answer, never. Never gonna give you squall. Somebody must know for real why I was never all over the headlines this week. It was because Mark Carney went to the White House and addressed the 51st state
The headline from Global News is Kearney tells Trump that Canada is never for sale. In White House meeting, the meeting started well with both men praising each other. What careful adjective did Prime Minister Mark Carney use to describe President Trump? Was it amorphous? Truly one of the most amorphous presidents. Not wrong. Ajahnis. Did Carney borrow from some Gen Z terminology? Did he call Trump... I mean, that would be good because I still don't know quite what that means. Was he like, well?
You sure are president. Carney said that Trump had been a transformational president. Wow. and diplomatic. it's kind of laden with many meanings. Yes. I think you could be from the right and be like, he sure is, and then be from the left and go, he sure is. Despite his praise for Carney, Trump couldn't help but soft pitch his big dream of absorbing Canada. I'm a real estate developer at heart.
When you get rid of that artificially drawn line, somebody drew that line many years ago with like a ruler, just a straight line right across the top of the country. When you look at that beautiful formation when it's together. I'm a very artistic person, but when I looked at that beauty, I said that's the way it was meant to be. I'm a very artistic person, Mark. Look at all these coloring books I have. It's almost all in the lines. You're gonna love it.
Maybe Trump's coloring books are just like a scribble and then he's like, I didn't want to go in those artificial lines. Somebody put them there a hundred years ago, made them in the shape of a clown. Why? Somebody drew it. Nobody knows who. You'd think someone in my position wouldn't have access to that information. No idea.
Carney, for his part, shot back with a real estate analogy. He said some real estate is never for sale. He used the examples of Canada and two other places. Where is never for sale? Yeah, Buckingham Palace was one of the examples. Here, the White House was one of the examples. Everything north of that line that Trump hates is the last example. I like how he used the White House as an example, and he said,
You know, Buckingham Palace, you've been there. And Don, where are we now? The White House, right, not for sale. Nowhere else, buddy? Canada! Yes, correct. Points for Giannis there. Here is the Prime Minister. There are some places that are never for sale. That's true. We're sitting in one right now, Buckingham Palace and you visited as well. That's true. It's not for sale. It's true. I have been there. Yeah, I just like that he somehow managed to like
externally say no, but then have Trump being like, that's true. You make a really good point. It's like someone said once, find a way to tell someone to go to hell and make them eager to pack. Yeah. Which is kind of what he did. I mean, I love that we now, our prime minister is now just Jim from the office.
just like sitting there listening to this like verbal vomit that the president of america is doing and it's like just like eyes to the camera like just a soft exhale oh my god his body language is so funny oh my god and those clips just the Number of twitches his left eye made was just so real. Just a slow aneurysm. Like, you've never seen an aneurysm happen in real time to a person's brain. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty hard. Like Jan was saying, it's hard.
when you know what a trade deficit is and someone that doesn't is trying to explain it to you. To stay that calm, it must be crazy. It's true. It's like a weird, the new test of world leaders is like, hey, stand beside the dumbest person you've ever met while they talk for 35 minutes and if you can keep a straight face It's like last one laughing. World edition. Do you think that he went back to his hotel after and just like very quietly closed the door and went,
I do know what a trade deficit is. Yes, absolutely. A trade deficit is what you got to do. Like he just like yelled for an hour into a pillow. His poor wife at home is like, you have one new voice message. It's an hour long. Release the tapes! Release the carny rant tapes! I honestly think that he went to a pub with his friends after Mark Carney and just laughed about the whole thing. I hope so. Do you hear what I said? That we're the owners of Canada and he just bought it? That was good.
Trump was fairly cordial with the prime minister in between airing his grievances about Obama and California. The president took a moment to list off some of the things he loves about Canada. What were the three things he said he loves about our country? Oh, I know. One of them is that he has yet to be convicted of a felony. That's nice for him. Major Perk. Jonathan?
These are the three things I'm thinking that he was envious of. We have some of the best water. We have some of the best minerals. We have some of the finest racists. He mentioned three specific things that he really loves about Canada. Did he say Wayne Gretzky was... He said he loves his mother's relatives, Wayne Gretzky. and Alex Ovechkin, right?
For the most part, Mark Carney got good marks from the media and pundits for his performance. The Sunday Times ran the headline, Mark Carney shows the world how to deal with Trump gray-rocking. For a point, what is gray rocking? Yes, I'm very familiar with this. Gray rocking is when you gentle parent your own parents. Yeah. You're kind of in the ballpark, but also wrong. I like how the audience was just in. They're like, yes, 100% Ivan. Look at that face. He would not lie to us.
it is a technique that is used when dealing with, uh, emotionally toxic people like narcissists, et cetera. You basically, uh, become a gray rock and be, it is, Making yourself as uninteresting and unaffected as possible. Sometimes I do that at parties when I don't want to talk to someone. I just go, mm-hmm. Oh yeah! Right. Yeah. You got it. There's only two people on this panel. You got Grey Rock. You got G-Rock. You got G-Rock.
Gray rocking wasn't the only technique Carney used during Tuesday's meeting. The Globe and Mail said the Prime Minister had to learn something on the fly for a point panel. The headline reads, Mark Carney goes to the Oval Office and learns a new skill from Donald Trump. According to the Globe and Mail, what skill did Carney learn from Trump? Interrupting. Dissociation active dissociation. I mean I might give you a point for that because they say he learned how to suffer fools.
which apparently Mark Carney famously not good at. apparently Carney has little patience for people who do not know what they're doing he is a snippy little queen he is he is Mark Carney has been in his brat era his entire life like no like Look inside yourself, Rosemary. It comes into his brain, and he didn't say hardly any of them. The Globe said that our Prime Minister has a catchphrase. Three little words he uses. He used them often during the meeting. What is Carney's catchphrase?
So's your old man. Does anyone know for real what he uses when he wants to get in there? I actually do know what the catchphrase is. Was it... Please mr. Trump. Can I please have a little talk? Sorry, that's Danielle Smith's catchphrase Sing it out. Sorry. Is it If I May? You are correct for I might adopt, actually. That is very good. He did it a number of times during that meeting. He puts his hand up like this, and then he goes... If I may. And then he just goes on to what he was doing.
According to the Globe and Mail, Marco Rubio and J.D. Vance sat on a couch next to Trump during the meeting and just laughed at all of Trump's remarks. The Globe said they were reminiscent of which two characters from pop culture? Oh, is it Beavis and Butthead? You are correct for the points. Yep. Gracias. Yeah, they rarely cut to them, but if they did, it was just them being like... Like when you do morning radio, and they always have people there just to laugh at the radio DJ.
Honestly, I feel like we're not too far away from somebody adding sound effects into Trump's press conferences. Like some air horns and a toilet flush. They'll give him the buttons, I bet. If he was able to just be like... It's like, guess what? We're taking even more women's rights away. I'm Gavin Crawford. This is Because News with Ivan Decker, Jan Caruana, and Adjanus Charlie. And just like Winnipeg, Toronto, and Edmonton, they're all still in it to win it. Get those hopes way, way up.
Canada's News Quest. Imagine, if you will, a show from NPR that's not like are a show that focuses not on the but the stupid, which features stores animals in their pants and competent criminals and ridiculous science studies and call it wait wait don't tell me because the were taken. Listen, is one it is golf where We got your podcast.
The news is full of battles and scary conflicts, panel, but occasionally a fight comes along that although daunting is also just a whole lot of fun. Can you name the joyous competition that will soon be lighting up the world? Me versus a bowl of Air Canada Lounge oatmeal. Always a treat when that happens, but no. Are they sending Katy Perry to space for good? I didn't realize there were so many Katy Perry fans. Sorry. Hasn't she been through enough? 11 minutes. I know.
And then a whole rocket just goes in the ocean, and I'm still supposed to take my own bags to the store. I'm still mad about it. I do feel that. I'm like, you know what? Don't put this on us if you're going to send Katy Perry to space for 11 minutes. But back to the show. Okay. No, I'll give you a hint. It is a competition that is happening in Europe next week. Very exciting battle.
Conclave 2, electric boogaloo. You thought one pope was fun. Wait till you get two. It is not Conclave 2. Giannis, do you know? It's gotta be Eurovision. It is indeed Eurovision! the European Song Competition. which comes around once a year, and we talk about it on this show. Mostly because my whole job is to get Canadians more interested in Eurovision. I think this show is the only context I have for Eurovision. I don't think...
The headline reads, Eurovision Chiefs Promise 2025 Show All About Surprises. We love surprises. Fire up those glitter balls and get ready to partay. The Eurovision Song Contest starts this Tuesday. The winner will be crowned on Saturday. Oh, wow, that's fast. It happens all in a week. Canada, unfortunately, cannot compete in Eurovision, but there might be one Canadian taking to the Eurovision stage. Which Canadian is everyone hoping to see on this year's broadcast?
Ooh, our most European-Canadian, Celine Dion. Ivan, do you have a guess? Alex Ovechkin. Wow. Ajanus, for the play, this is Celine Dion. It has to be. She only does the big ticket things now. The Olympics, Eurovision. The headline from MSN News is Eurovision is still trying to secure Celine Dion with a week to go. Oh boy. intense negotiations, Celine famously won Eurovision in 1988 when she was brought in as a ringer for Switzerland.
Whoa. See, you learn a lot from the CBC. Yeah. I love that she's holding out for more money. That's my girl. Yeah. Because the debt do go on. But let's get on to some of the top-rated songs, panel. Bookmakers are laying odds that Swedish group Kai... will take the Eurovision crown on Saturday with their catchy song Barabada Bastu. Here's a clip.
It's giving frontrunner energy to me. That song is about something every self-respecting Swede loves to do for the point what beloved Nordic pastime is Barbarabastu about. Oh, I know this, actually. It's a very popular Nordic tradition, which is seeing your grandmother naked in the sauna. Bara bara bustu is the sound of your drill dying right before you're done assembling an Ikea book. Catchy song about assembling Ikea furniture is a good guess. It is, in fact.
Ivan Decker for the point. It is about sauna culture. Yes. That makes sense. Barabarabast means let's just sauna. They're all dressed up like people going in a sauna. Here's a little clip. I did not know that. I'm on board with any song. Sauna! I have two questions. One, is it a legal requirement that every Eurovision song has accordion in it? Because I feel like every single one has a... Second question.
Is that really sauna vibes? Like, do we want to hear that track in the sauna? They sauna differently there. It's a lot more hardcore. You get very hot. The lyrics of that song are like, it's 90 degrees, can we go higher? And you have to play a really hot accordion. Yeah, exactly. And you have to take your accordions up as well. Anyways, that song is a frontrunner, but there are many other exciting entries just as ridiculous as that.
Every year, there's a sexy entry. This year, Australia's Gojo has that lockdown. He's got a kind of a Benson Boone vibe going on. The song is called Milkshake Man. Just for fun, Jan, I want you to listen to this verse, and when I lift the needle, see if you can complete the lyrics of Milkshake Man. Okay. Drink it every day before you know.
Your jeans won't fit and they've got a hole. Because your butt's too big. Because you're drinking milkshakes all day long. Very good. Here is the actual lyric. I mean, you were close. You will be bigger and stronger with harder bones. Calcium is great. if you're a woman getting older. The Australian Dairy paid for this? Yes. Ireland's Eurovision entry is about a dead Soviet space dog.
Does anyone remember the name of the Soviet space dog? Yeah, Laika. You are correct for the point. It is about a dead Soviet space dog called Laika. Have a listen to Laika Party, performed by Emmy, and see if you can complete the lyrics. Okay. I hope Laika never died and she spins around us still. She has a party in the air and always will. I hope that she is what-
I hope that she is happy. I hope she is delirious because she is a dog star. You know that she is serious. She's the brightest star. That's good. Wow. That's good. Oh my gosh. We picked the right topic. Finally, the dog constellation makes it into the show. My guess. Which was? I thought it might go like, I hope that she is up there looking down with a smile.
So we can all remember that she did it doggy style. Oh yeah! That's good. I think that takes it. I mean, honestly, you're kind of the closest. Here is the actual lyric. I hope that she's alive. She isn't. Sorry. Spoiler alert. The dog that went to space in the 60s. Maybe tomorrow I must be... This year, Britain is represented by the all-female pop country group Remember Monday. Their song is called What the Hell Just Happened. Have a listen and get ready to complete the lyric.
I wanna shave my head-o. I wanna paint the whole town red-o. I wanna... I want to shave my head. I'll paint the whole town red. I want to go out and get high. I want to boink some random guy. But I'll probably just watch True Crime on Netflix. Freedom! Here is what she said. I want to kiss a stranger, so you get a point for a makeout with a random guy. The semifinals start this Tuesday, and like our podcast, you can catch the whole thing on YouTube. Now, if you'll excuse me.
I need to go see a man about a milkshake. On the show this week, Jonas, Charlie, Jan Caruana, and all the way from Vancouver, Ivan Decker! Panel, it is time for a news clue. This week's clue comes to you in the form of a leaked voice memo. Have a listen if you will and try to guess what news story this clue is all about.
I don't want to put breaking up on the table because I... I mean like I hostile to me but if that's part of your journey, I, like, super get that, like, for you, and, like, obviously, I low-key carrying this whole relationship. Again, I'm not that you should live by. I just love that for you. All right. You heard that message, panel. For a point, having listened to that, can you tell me what newsmaker was giving some hard pick-me vibes this week?
It's very much giving like Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy season one. But I think it was Daniel Smith. You are correct for the point. You nailed that Pick Me Girl voice, like, perfectly, by the way. I didn't know you had it. It was new to me, the Pick Me energy, but I kind of understand it, but can you explain it? Oh, I'm assuming we all know. Something we all know. Okay, we don't all know. The pick-me girl. It's someone who tries way too hard to get other people's attention.
The headline is, Danielle Smith is playing with fire when she flirts with Alberta separation. But they can write that about a man. Premiere. Would they write like, Doug Ford is feeling flirty and cute as he tries to sell off Ontario plays? I mean, I hope so. Yeah, I'm kind of going over by that.
Daniel Smith spent much of the week saying she will support Albertans if they want a referendum on separating from Canada. But also that what? But she'll support Albertans if they don't. So whatever you guys want, we'll do. I know how frustrated so many of you have become with our country. As most Albertans know, I have repeatedly stated I do not support Alberta separating from Canada.
The premier then went on to give two media events on how separation could happen. Great. So she's actively making it easier to separate, but she really doesn't want it to happen. That is correct. separation is not an easy road. Just ask the leader of the Bloc Quebecois. Handily, a reporter did this week. Reporters asked the leader of the Bloc Hebecois for advice on how to go about separating. What tip did Yves-François Blanchet give to Daniel Smith?
Probably nothing good because they're still part of Canada. You are correct for the point. Here is Yves-Francois Blanchet. Power. success so far. It does not place me in a position to give them tips about what to do, but I could give them tips about what not to do. I love that guy. Honestly, he's the best. In a different part of that clip, I believe, I think he says that part of the reason why I
province should want to separate is that they should have a culture in the first place. I think he said. Which is the shadiest thing. We have so many queens in government, I'm telling you. Mark Carney, Blanchette, they are shady. It was great. He said, oil and gas is not a culture. That literally is what he said. Although, I have several relatives who might beg to differ. Daniel Smith has already set in motion a way to make separating a bit easier. How is the Premier giving separation a leg up?
She's begun digging perforations around Alberta so they can just rip themselves from the rest of the country like a paper towel. Good guess. Anyone else? It's actually quite scientific. They're accelerating climate change to the point where British Columbia will be swallowed by the ocean. so they can then have access to a large body of water, which is one of the main barriers to separation.
We'll get our oil to Tidewater somehow. That is an ingenious plan. Yeah. What she is doing, the headline from the Edmonton Journal is, Danielle Smith lowers the bar for Alberta referendum. A new bill that if passed would dramatically lower the number of signatures needed to put a referendum question on the ballot. They would only need 10% of election turnout. Currently, it is 20% of electoral turnout that needs to sign.
So it's a little bit easier, quite a lot easier, because 10% is not a lot of people. In fact, there are many groups in Alberta that represent 10% of the population. For example... child-free couple. Do we have to keep eating at restaurants with Little kids? Great. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Even conservation efforts in Alberta have even led to the beaver population.
becoming 10% of the population. What referendum question would the Beavers put? I don't think they would put up a referendum. They'd just say, damn it all. Jan Caruana! the honor of reading our credits. Skype officially operations earlier this I'm scared of old me. Adyana! Adyana's Charlie!
Hey Canada, this is Jan Caruana, winner of Because News. Congratulations to my runners-up, Ajanus Charlie and Ivan Decker. Because News is written and produced by Elizabeth Bowie, Gavin Crawford, David Carroll, Phil Lung, Jess Glamowski, and Kate Evans. This week, they had help from John Blair. Rounding out the team, Aaron Conway, Bronwyn Page, Diana Markulin, Chris Lyons, and our recording engineer, Paul Hodge. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca.