I find that the trans people that have the best sense of humor are also the ones that made the best activists.
Welcome, beauties to part two of my interview with Monica Helmes and her wife Darlene Wagner. If you have not already heard part one, it brings us to where we are now. I encourage you to go check it out. First, here's Darlene talking about the first time she met Monica.
We met at a square dance. Okay, the well, it wasn't a square dance or more like a contra dance. It was contra dance slash square dance, a little bit slower than a contra dance, and I asked Monica to dance. It was the first time that Monica showed up to my dance group that I had been involved with for a couple of years and in which I was starting to come out as trans, and it was a safe base for me.
Yeah, what was the trans community like in like two thousand and nine when you were coming out?
There are very few people, like, very few professionals. I've I'm a fairly privileged person as far as trans goes. For one thing, I'm Caucasian. Second, my parents are fairly well off. They own a house and own land, and I still had to pay my own way through grad school though. Yeah, but I was fairly privileged, and there were very few other trans people of my background around. Most of the transgender people I knew were African American homeless,
forced into survival sex work. And to this day I rack my heart and mind and pray and meditate on ways in which I can reach out to my life fortunate sisters who are hurting or maybe maybe not. I shouldn't say hurt. I sound a little I probably sound a little patronizing. I don't mean to sound that way.
It's just that I think it's okay to say that. I mean, since January of this year, six black trans women have been shot and killed in the city of Atlanta, right, And that, I think is something you know, to say, like, those are the people that are most at risk in our community, you know, right.
I want to do everything I can to help them and keep them safe. And I'm soon going to be getting a five oh one c three going called the Transgender Day of Remembrance Atlanta, although I might later have to change its name to get the transgender out of the title. If according to how the government cracks down on transgender organizations. But it's that adaptability thing happening again.
But I want to focus on violence prevention for transfeminine people and also violence prevention for biological females as well, because we shouldn't be in conflict with our non trans sisters. We are facing the same patriarchal violence and denial of bodily autonomy that they are. We should be united rather than fighting each other over things like tell her what
happened to your coworker. One of the non trans women recently slain by gun violence was my coworker from CDC, thirty eight years old, has two kids and a husband. So back on May seventh, I organized a march through the Marietta Square commemorating not only the trans women who've been slain this year in Atlanta, but also my cisgender coworker. We must do everything mobilized and organized to stop femicide.
What do you to enjoy or what do you get out of fulfillment out of being in a relationship with another transgender woman? How has that impacted you positively?
Interestingly enough, Monica thinks of herself as lesbian, whereas I tend to shy away from the term lesbian. I might actually be bisexual, even though I'm not really attracted to men. I'm very very much attracted to feminine type people. I'm most strongly attracted to other trans females, probably because it's just that's who I connect with the That's probably why I've been with Monica all this time. She just being next to her, it just feels so safe and so familiar to me.
Yeah. Yeah, what about for you, Monica?
Well, I initially when I first started transitioning, I thought that I was bisexual, and when I came out to my mom being trans, she said, oh, gee, I wish you were just gay. And then about three years later, I realized that I wasn't bisexual, that I was only attracted to women, And so I called my mom and said, guess what, Mom, you got your wish. I am gay. All my life, I've only been attracted to girls and women, And I realized, why do I have to change when I become a woman.
Yeah, when you were trying to access medical transition, trying to act access gender firming care, was that something that you had to hide the fact that you were attracted to women?
Oh? No, No, this was in the late nineties. That that stuff I got it was gone. Yeah, that stuff was all different.
It had been changed by our previous generations who had made made it better for us.
Think a lot of a lot of my lot of those are my friends. Yeah, like Dallas Dnny.
Yeah, Dallas Denny was a big part of that. Yeah. What was it like working with Dallas Denny and working on those publications during that time?
Oh yeah, Transgender Tapestry. I wrote an article that's the way it was, and it was about various things that happened in the community over the last time since we public policized, and Dallas and I had a really great relationship. It was it was so much fun. You know, I kind of made it sound like, you know, she was at the the the Transgender Tapestry tower and up at the you know, the the top of the.
Executive office executive office.
Yeah, and uh, you know, and and then she would say things like, well, I'm going to double your pay, which was zero anyway. So yeah, Dallas has a great sense of humor, which I find that the trans people that have the best sense of humor are also the ones that made the best activists because they didn't get burned out. Darlene and I make jokes about everything we see something on television and did they just say such? You know, and you know we we would just we
create our own our own jokes out of it. So and we call uh the governor of Florida, Ronda Sauron.
Like sorrows. Yeah, you have to have a sense of humor in order to live this life, you know, because it really tries you. You know, society tries us, and it can be very stressful. And if I wasn't able to laugh at myself or life, I don't think I'd still be here. You know, we're going to take our first break when we come back. Monica and Darlene share their experiences with parenting and welcome back.
Now.
I know you to mention you recently tried to adopt a child. Do you want to talk a little bit about that.
Darlene, I'm gonna like, I'm willing to open up about it.
When was this, by the way, when.
We took her in.
In mid December, she identified as transfeminine. We figured, you know, this is going to be a great match because two trans women raising a transfeminine child who's been in the foster system for five years. We can be her forever family, and we can protect her and get her the care that she needs. Unfortunately, she had lots of trauma to unpack five years in the system, and in before that, unspeakable abuse that the Defacts documentation just barely scraped the
surface of. She was very closed off, noncommunicative. She would occasionally laugh, occasionally show some emotion or anger. Actually, looking back on it, I should have been more suspicious that she didn't get angry more often. She was very detached. I really care about this kid, even though she doesn't live with us anymore. I loved her as if she were my own biological child. Not quite the same as a death, because I know that the kid is in a different house and is happier, or at least I
hope she's happier now. And her foster mom said that she put on weight during her time that she was with us, which is a good sign. So we kind of got her to a healthier, physically healthier place at least.
Do you think you'll ever try to adopt again?
Yes, yeah, I'm not giving a I'm want to have a family, and unlike Monica, who had a chance to have biological children. I never had that chance, no serious relationships with any cisgender women prior to my transition.
Right, And Monica, what is your relationship with your children and your grandchildren? Like now?
Really good? Actually, we're in fact a week from today we're going to be flying out to Phoenix to see them and then drive to California to see the other son. Haven't seen him in a while, and be nice to be able to spend some time with them.
Although Monica and Darlene did not match with their foster child, they're still interested in parenting a trans child together. Here's Monica as she talks more about the power of activism. Were there any more details maybe about your own transition story that you wanted to give and just like how that was for you at during that time when you were transitioning.
I joined a online group, well it was not necessarily only just online, but it was a group of former submarine sailors called United States Submarine Veterans of America. And so I joined them before I transitioned, and then I started transitioning, and I wanted to still be part of
the group. You know, there was a local chapter and everything, and and the local chapter was having a problem with me being me, So it took a little bit, but I finally renewed my membership in this organization, becoming the first transferson in the organization and it you know, it was also my first active activism.
And I know you're also the first trans people to place a wreath on the.
Tomb of the Unknown. Yeah, A Trensien your American Veterans Association. We went to DC in two thousand and four and it was a march to the Wall because a lot of trans women were afraid to go to the wall and see the names of people that they knew and stuff, and so we wanted to give them a safe thing to do it. And we had fifty people show up and it was was wonderful. And then that on that weekend, we also laid a reef at the Tomb of the Unknown, first trans organization to do that.
Yeah, that's huge, Monica. Thank you just for for everything you've done for the trans community and for trans veterans. I mean, that's that's amazing. I know you you're talking about moving out of Georgia because of the way that the things have been.
Lighter, hopefully rather than sooner. Georgia is my home, and I've tried living in other states before, but I was really homesick.
Yeah, And I being raised in Georgia my whole life too. I've never called any other state home before, so it's kind of a hard reality to start to kind of think about. And I hope that doesn't come to that. But what keeps you both hopeful when the times are as bad as they are. What keeps you both going well?
For me, it's noticing that every time there is another election, even in a small election or some place, the Republicans are losing. Just last week, there was an election for the mayor of Jacksonville, Florida, and the Democrat won, the first Democrat to run this city in a long time. And the person that the Republican who ran was spouting all the Rohn de Santis things and apparently the people
didn't want to hear it. So I'm hopeful that what we might be seeing is, you know, it's a little scary to hope that it's going to half of it to see all these elections come about where people with something that is going to help other people is going to be the ones that get elected, not the people that want to take us back in time.
What about you, darling, do you have anything?
My greatest hope during these dark times is the inherent strength of the transgender and non binary communities. There's a lot more to us than what we lack in political clout or economic resources. There is a fire, a natural fire inside of us that cannot be extinguished. And Monica alluded to how elections are important. In voting is important,
but I would expand upon that. We've got to put our fire inside of us to work not just around elections, but year round, especially even in off years like this past year was an off year in the Georgia. Legislator passed nasty laws to suppress us. But we stood up. We stood up at the Liberty Plaza outside of the Capitol building. We're going to stand up more across the summer.
We are going to organize, We're going to mobilize. We might get a little militant, but that's what it takes when we are under attack systematically, we have to push back with all the energy and intensity inside of us. And I want to conclude with the words of Winston Churchill, never give up, never give up, never give up. And then my own words too. You are loved.
We're going to take our last break here, listeners. When we come back, we will wrap up our conversation with Monica and Darlene with a question from Janie Danger, and we're back, listeners.
I actually have a transflag of my own in my house above my bed, and in fact, the person who bought it for me bought it at pre I'd, i.
Want to say, twenty nineteen and I wasn't.
Able to go because I had to work, and they bought it from you like yourself, and he signed it.
Did I sign it?
Yeah? You did sign up?
Oh yeah, because we were We did booths every once in a while to you know, for either our church or other places, and then I would sign flags.
Well for people. I appreciate that. It's very cool and I like to tell people that when they see it. And also anytime I post like a picture or like a video or something and people see my room, I get a lot of comments from people saying you need to iron your flag, and it's like, you need to mind your own fucking business.
How about that?
What do you think about ironing?
You think about I've and the reason I've not done it is because I don't want to mess up the signature. And also I don't own an iron, So yeah.
It's like, you know, it's up to your up to you, you know, right, you know it's your flag, that's my flag.
You know it's an our flag. Yeah, well but this one's literally mine.
Yes, that one's yours. So you do what you want with.
It, thank you. So I can tell that to the haters.
Yeah, tell that to the haters. Monica Helmes said, do whatever you want with your flag, thank you.
Are you on? Are you on Facebook?
I think I'm on.
I am on Facebook, but I don't really. I don't really use it. I've been trying to get banned from Facebook for years.
Oh well that should be easy.
It's surprisingly not.
You can get away with the horrendous things on Facebook.
Yeah, I'm more afraid of getting a concerned phone call from my mom if I post something that's a bit off on Facebook. So my my mom polices my posts on Facebook.
So yeah, it's the worst one because your whole your whole family's there. Why would why would I want to use the social med My family is on.
Her whole family is definitely on and everything.
Yeah, you should see Jenny on Twitter and what's the other one, the new one, the Blue Sky, the Blue Sky.
Yeah, yeah, you gotta get I don't have any invite codes. I would give you guys some.
If I do.
She's dying for a Blue Sky invite code.
But yeah, I got.
I'm on there now wife Sucker dot blue Sky Social. Yeah that's kind of all I had. I really liked the, uh the progress part. And also I didn't know you were a Christian. I'm also a Christian and that was really touching.
So I didn't go, do you were a Christian? Janey?
Yeah. If I've not talked about that.
I've never we've never talked about that.
Yeah.
Wow, yeah, I'm learning things, so yes, well yeah.
Well maybe one of these days that you can do a breakout Christian punk rock hit.
In the other incorporated some mostly on the on the new album that I have coming out. I've gotten some kind of It's not incredibly uh it, but there is a lot of themes like that, and there for sure things of God.
And you listen to Fly flyly, I used to Oh yeah, Paramore girl.
Oh yeah, Para is awesome.
Yeah, or under Oath if we're talking like Christian more specific Christian bands.
Have y'all listened to Ethyl Kane yet.
Ethyl Caine?
Y'all?
Ethel Caine is she is our She's our trans. So she's a trans woman from Tallahassee, Florida who makes music all about like the Southern it's like Southern Gothic like, and it's like got some like religious undertones because she was Her album is called Preacher's Daughter because she was literally, uh, what do you call it? The people that do the snakes and stuff? Yeah, she was the son of a of a snake.
There's a certain kind of Christianity. I forget what it's called. It's like, I don't know if it's southernist. But in that movie Faces a Death, that's the one actual real death they show. It's a preacher who's like, I've got the power of God within me. The snakes won't hurt me, and this they killed him.
Yeah, well what if the snakes have the power of God in them too?
That's true and that goes back to what you said about like.
You gotta respect nature.
Yeah, God and nature, the two and two like true things like everyone else, like, yeah, of a preacher that's just a total like Charlatan like you know, it's like it's like the atomic bomb versus a coughing baby.
True.
And that brings us to the end of this week's episode and a last to the end of season two Beauty Translated. I hope you enjoyed all of the conversations we had this time around. Thank you all so much for your support and listenership. I couldn't do this without all you bouties out there. Please continue to encourage everyone you know to listen to the show, because I believe that the more people who listen to these stories, the further down the evolutionary path to understanding we will become
as a society. If you haven't already, please leave the podcast a rating and review over on Apple Podcasts. It would mean the world to me. And now this is goodbye, but only for a little while. I will be back for season three of Beauty Translated in the fall with more badass trans trailblazers. Thank you all so much, and
until we meet again, stay beautiful. Beauty Translated is hosted by me Carmen Laurent and produced by Kurt Garon and Jessica Crinchitch, with production assistance from Jennifer Bassett Special thanks to Ali Perry and Ali Canter for their support. Our theme song is composed by Aaron Kaufman. Beauty Translated is proud to be part of the outspoken network from iHeart Podcasts. For more iHeart Podcasts, listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.