One Good Korean

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. It's a new year, by the way. It was a new year. It's a new year. Any resolutions that you got coming up? Oh, my God. You have no idea what you're saying right now, dude. Can we say Resolution City? You're in Resolution City? Yeah, that's right. I'm in Resolution City right now. Let's break it down. So I'm going to work on some other addictions.

What are they? Are you my therapist or a cop? Both. Okay. So, officer, I have... I do some strange things that... This is not funny. It's just real. No, real is good. So there's this Netflix... You know how sometimes you go to Netflix and there's mobile games you can download? Oh, yeah. Okay. And you're thinking, who's this for? Me. You know what I mean? I download all of them, right? But there's this one game that I play, and there's like 10,000 levels, but I only play one level.

A thousand times. What? Eight hours at a time. Just sitting there on my kitchen counter. And the level was like two minutes.

And it's the same basic level. It feels like a candy crush. It's one of those like puzzly games where, you know what I mean, you line things up. Wait, I saw you play this. Yeah. I only play one level and I was telling my therapist the other day and she goes... stop why because it's um i'm running away i'm not you know i mean i'm being obsessive about something and i do it because i don't want to feel

You know what I mean? It's like, I do a lot of things where it's like, I don't want to feel. So I just, I'll watch the same YouTube video over and over again. And it becomes, it's not healthy. I'll tell you, I got a good feel. I got a good cry this morning. Big time. Whenever I want a real good cry, I watch that Ian Wright video with Mr. Pigden. Yeah. I thought you used it. Yeah, yeah. What a great video. I'm very much alive, Ian. Yeah. And he goes...

Someone told me you we stayed. Yeah, that's a great fucking thing. I cry every time. Yeah. I watch, if I need a good cry, watch Ian Wright reunited with his primary school teacher, Mr. Pagan. And why do I love that you love that? Well, he's the most prolific goal scorer in Arsenal's history. Thank you. And he said, you know what he said in it that was so powerful? That really moved me in a way. Two things. He goes...

He was crying and Ian said, Mr. Pigden said. It meant more to him that Ian Wright played for the country of England than when he flew over Buckingham Palace. That was more. important to him that someone he coached Wow played for England Wow and then he said he turned to hug him and uh he was like two steps down they're in the stadium they're up on the stairs and when he hugged him

He was below Mr. Pigden, you know, like he was hugging his waist almost. I saw that, yeah. And he goes, and I felt like I was seven years old again. I was a young child being embraced by someone, a father figure. Dude, I was, it gets me every time. Wow, every time. but when whites oh what about the white what about the whites

What about the whites? There's so many good things to say about the whites. Not lately, dude. I know. Lately as of not now. You know what I mean? But, you know, what I'm saying is over the history, you guys get a bad rap. We do get a bad one. Yeah, yeah. And what I want to say is, you know what I mean? They have you guys done extraordinary humanitarian, you know what I mean, deeds. Some of us. Some of you. Schindler. We talked about that before. What a list.

That's it. Schindler and Ian Wright's coach. Mr. Pigment. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Pigment. That's it. Yeah, yeah. No. What I'm saying is when it's human. All humans have someone. I'm sure there's a Korean out there like that. You gotta be somewhere. What do you think? I don't know where they are. Like a one good Korean that like helped. That's a great movie. One good Korean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of which, did you see the guy that snuck into North Korea took video of the traffic cop with his phone? Did you see this? No, I didn't see it. By the way, they're going to get this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what I think about these guys. You're off your head. They're going to get you, dude.

They're going to come find you and kill you. Did he go back to South Korea? Then they can't find him. No, no, no. He left North Korea and went somewhere else. Look at, I don't know where it is. It was on TikTok this week. How do we take him out? How do we take him out? Kim Jong-il. Do you want to take him out? I do. See, here's my thing. Because there's millions of people that live there and they're in poverty. And it's like they still believe that we're getting ready for the war with the U.S.

We don't think about you. Ever. You say that until they start some shit. What if they start some shit? They can't. How? Says who? But with like Russia, they could in China, but them alone, they're like- What did you just say? With Russia and China, they could. Oh, yeah, but I thought- So what are you talking about? Of course they can. I thought you meant just them. It'd be like- Yeah, but Russia and China give them- No one acts alone other than Germany.

And look how that turned out. So now the axis of evil could reunite and start another war. And why wouldn't they? Honestly, why wouldn't they? The time is now. It'd be awesome. They're ready. I'm ready to go, dude. Let's go. Blow this whole thing up. Let me ask you something. I want post-apocalyptic shit. If there's a World War III and you and I were called in, there's a draft, and we go, we need everybody.

Everybody? Yeah. Even Carlos. Even Carlos. And McCone. Yeah. Yeah. But he is at whole duty. Those guys are inside. No, I mean, no. Glory Holden. Glory Holden. Yeah, yeah. Just sucking off the soldiers before they go down. No, no, no. I'm just saying that you find, like, if we're in, like, you know. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fighting in Hong Kong, right? And then the sergeant goes, find the glory holes. He knows where they are. But we don't put dicks in, we put bombs in there.

Oh, that's explosive. I was going to say, like Notre Dame football, they slap a sign that says play like a champion as they go out onto the field. They all smack it. It's funny if every soldier before they go to war, they just get to stick their cock in Carlos's mouth. He's just standing next to you. He's like, go ahead, boy. Anyway.

Would you be in the same platoon as me? I don't think they would put us in the same platoon. Would you think there's an Asian? No, what are you talking about? Oh, just no, no, no. Strength and skill. Strength and skill. Strength and skill. No, dude. You'd piss me off today, dude. I would call my agent. No, dude. We'd never get in the same category. That's crazy.

Platoons are, they're like, this is the, no, they have a mix. Have you seen, no, shut the fuck up. Have you ever seen Saving Private Ryan? There's a mixture of different people, you know what I mean, of it. There's the one guy that's scared, like, you know, like the fucking, in Saving Private Ryan, the guy that, plays the interpreter.

Even though I don't know Chinese. Yeah, you'd be the intro. Yeah, but I'm just saying there's got to be something that I can do. I'm the Dennis Hopper character, like the eccentric, you know what I mean? Yeah. Amen, you know what I mean? Wars, globalization, whatever. I don't know. I say things, you know what I mean?

I don't know. What do you think? I know you'd be one of the crazy boys in the bunch. Yeah, but would you not push for that? I wouldn't want you. There's no way that I could. I wouldn't want you in my platoon. But then the whole time I'm at war, I'm like, you know, what's Andrew doing? I have to write you letters. I'd be missing you. That'd be so much fun. I'd see you from afar. Also, if we're in the same platoon, think about that. Then I'm going to see we're going to see each other die.

I'd rather sit in a tent at night hoping that you're well, writing you letters like a long lost love affair on the other side of the battle. And I want to find out that you die from someone that goes.

Soldier. No. No. The dumpling was killed at 435. They wouldn't call me the dumpling. Yes, they would. They wouldn't call me. No. They all get nicknames in the army. That's what you fucking get. Everyone gets a nickname. If somebody called me dumpling, I would pull them and say, can you change that? And they'd be like.

Chopsticks. You got a chopstick. I want to be chopstick. Yeah. Okay. So you're funny, dude. The Chinese chode died at 4.44 a.m., sir. Let me say something. He was Korean. Right. What does it? When a soldier's at war and they get shunned, they know they're going to die. Yeah. What is the one person they call out for? God. No. No? Their mom. Mom!

Mommy. Remember Giovanna Ribisi? Oh, my God. Heartbreaking. Can you imagine you call your mom? She's on an iPad. She's like, leave me alone. But what I'm saying is I would call out for you. Andrew. You go, mom. Andrew. And I'd come running. Morphine, morphine. Bob! Bob! I want you there. All right. I'll be there with you. You know what? You know what? Fuck you! I don't want to be in a platoon with you! I just said yes!

Carlos, you want to be the same platoon? Hell yeah. No fucking way is he going to get in there, dude. He's never going to pass any of the tests. Oh, yeah. No, we're in a situation. They're never easy. Dude, they're going to take his blood and be like, this kid. It's a long war. It's where they went 18 to 35, right? Now, you know, I'm going to give you a Lord of the Rings reference, right? In the two towers, right, they gave old men and kids swords to fight.

Right. We're in dire straits. So we're in a position where we're all being called in. Okay. If they ran out of 18 to 35s are done. Now they need 40 and ups. Yes. That's what I'm saying. 40 and up. Yeah. So at that point. Right. I would write a letter to Congress and go, can I be in the same platoon as Carl? George, you're out. You want to be in it? Nah, I'm fine. You know he's fleeing the country.

Oh, he's a candidate. Well, not wherever. No, he's one of those candidates. Canadian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Mexico. You know, you could see him in Mexico. And he's like, you know, wearing tie-dye. Right. You know what I mean? Just with a bandana. You know what I mean? Like this. And it's like, shut the fuck up, you coward. Coward, dude.

You piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. So you call Congress. Oh my God. You imagine this guy. Dude, in the 60s, dude, you were one of those guys. Patchouli boy. Yeah, patchouli boys. No, my dad pulled the Adventist card to get out of Vietnam. Your dad did? Yeah. He said religious reasons can't fight, so then he went and just got medical tested on for the war. It was the white coats. What was the religion? Seventh-day Adventist.

Adventist? Adventist. Adventist and Adventist. Do you know these? No. Let me ask you something. That thing that Trump, like, is there a flat foot? Oh, Protestant Christian domination. Flat feet. Yeah. Well, for that, but that's, that's back in the day. That was like back. So, you know what I would.

To get out? They just give you Dr. Scholl. I wouldn't get flat feet. I would claim flat face. Flat face. Dude, I would claim flat face. Could I get out, you think? Your Honor. Dude, I got flat face, guys. My friend has flat face. All right. He's just not aerodynamic. Yeah, not aerodynamic. The wind is just going to bounce right off of the sky. Although, I could, like, camouflage myself on a wall.

Like Rambo. Yeah. Dude, imagine me. You just blend it. Bricks on me, right? And I could just stay there. I would stay there for two weeks like this. I wouldn't even, you know, with a knife, I wouldn't even do that. I would just stay there. Just stay steady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How would you camouflage?

Impossible. In fire. Yeah. I'd have to be a fireball. Yeah. That is amazing. Yeah. Rambo in all mud. Yeah, dude. Remember that? Yeah. That's what I would do. But I would do it with actual brick wall. Smart. And they would not see me. How could they? Yeah. Yeah.

i saw some of the something was showing out all like the tricks of the tunnels in vietnam that the vietnamese would dig and they were super intricate dude and how they would try to trick them to get them in or out but what they would do is they try to like flood them out Yeah. But look at the tunnel system that they had. And they would flood them out with water and bombs and all sorts of shit. But then the Vietnamese had counteractive shit.

for the weapons that the americans would use so the things that they would have they would like it was a rope or a pole they would pull on the pole and it would get caught in a machine so then it would pull the soldier in while they were down there yeah and they would have rotating spikes and shit Or they'd have to crawl in backwards or like upside down because it was head first. And they would fucking drown them upside down and backwards. Imagine. I'd be so claustrophobic. Oh, dude. Forget it.

I had an MRI yesterday. I was claustrophobic. I was fucking freaking out. I hate the machine. And all you hear is like, one, one, one, one, one, one. And Ho Chi Minh is the best trail maker. Top trail. Don't you think? Look at that girl. I'm on vacation. She's in vacation. You know what? It actually looks pretty solid, though. I mean, yeah. Structurally, it is. Structurally, yeah, yeah. Then I would just be worried about fire or, you know what I mean? Something trapping you down there?

Look at that thing. That's insane. That's so crazy. They created an entire network. They could like hang out. Yeah. They could sleep for days and days in those things and just hide out. We've never had like a, like, aside from like the British back in the day, you know what I mean? Yeah.

We've never had like a country attack us. You know what I mean? I wonder what like a 9-11. What do you mean? We had the fucking 9-11. Yeah, but not in a traditional like war where there's like troops and you know what I mean? Yeah, on our soil. On our soil. Yeah, we haven't had war on our soil. I think we would. Destroy people, no? They wouldn't even get to our soil.

Even in LA, we've got MS-13. We've got people. Don't you think? Use what we have. Don't you think we would? Yeah, go get the Crips and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Hey, bro, what the fuck, dude? You're Palestinian, whatever. Fuck a Palestinian, bro. Hey, Palestinian, bro. Yeah, bro. Or whoever am I. What kind of Chinese are you, bro? You know what I mean? Dude, I'm me. I'm Ralph. I'm from here. Okay, good. Move over, man. Yeah, but who would they fight for? That's what's interesting. Who?

Who would these gangs fight for? Well, if you're fighting, if we were in a war with Mexico, but we don't get the MS-13. We're never going to be in a war with Mexico. Yeah, we will destroy. No, I mean, I think we would never be in a war. Exactly. So those are our dogs. But if you were in a war with Russia, I think that most of the gangs in America would be on our side. No, you say that. But like, think about it. Some of those gangs have drug ties and those drug ties.

They don't want the fucking federal government telling them what to do. You're right. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd get in bed with like the cartel and whatever government agencies they have power over. What a weird in LA imagine if we were like red dawn, and we were attacked by oh my god be insane Where would they hit up first? I'll be so scared. Would you be scared?

Can you imagine if they're like, we're going to bomb LA and they bomb downtown and you're like, nobody's down there. They hit the wrong part of the city first. They're like, and then we're going to bomb North Hollywood. Yeah, no one's up there. Yeah, bomb Skid Row. You won't kill them. They're like zombies. No, they're undefeated. Yeah, they're undefeated. What does that say? Newsweek thinks they're going to-

That's where the centrifuge of war would be. This is a nuclear bomb? Nuclear bomb. Oh, my God. Forget it. That would happen, but it wouldn't even hit Santa Monica. Oh, Westside safe. Westside best side. Yeah, but we're fucked where we live.

No, dude, we're just, yeah, no. Yeah, we're fucked. We're in the fucking center of it. Oh, yeah, yeah. What are you going to do? No, no, don't you think that, because we're on the other side of the hill, you don't think the hill would protect us a little bit? Some of it.

I think the hill would get some of the radiation fog and smoke, but I think we'd still... We'd get a bad leg. I'm in the yellow. Yeah, you're in the... Oh, you're done. You're done. Yeah, yeah. You're in Los Feliz or Silver Lake? Los Feliz. I think I'd become a shadow. Yes. Which is awesome. Yeah, shadow. Yeah, you do. Carlos shadow. Yeah, Carlos shadow. It's just interesting. And his mouth is like this. Yeah. Wow. That would be, I mean, that would be the way to, you know what I mean?

destroy a bomb. But that's what it says. Nuclear bomb shows the impact of new gravity weapon of the biggest U.S. cities. Wow. Wow. That's scary. Let's hope that doesn't happen. Let's hope it doesn't happen. Or I'm on the road. Yeah, I want to be gone. Yeah, I've always imagined that. Like if I was on the road and I was in LA's taken out. Like, oh, well. No. I got two more sets tonight, so I got to. It would be terrible. I mean, imagine, dude. They wouldn't hit LA first, though.

Who would you worry about? You're on the road. Yeah, well, my wife and my dog. That's number one? This studio, you guys. Okay. Yeah, you first. Okay. Well, you'd be on the road too. Yeah, I'd be on the road.

And then what would you do? Like if I was, you're in Cleveland and I was like in Denver or whatever, vice versa, whatever you want to say. And then, and we wouldn't be mourning because, you know, I would lose so many people. You would lose. So many people. Right. And then our cell phones still worked. And then, well, you think in a day we would call each other or a couple of days? I don't know. See, you know, and who knows if we could get a hold of anybody.

You know how they have cell phones crash when all that stuff goes down? Like 9-11, no one could call anybody and the phones are down and all that. I'm just thinking hypothetically if the satellites aren't down and we could call, would you... I think within the first 12 hours, we would text each other. 100%, yeah. Right away. Are you okay? You good? No, I would text you, are you going to sell your house? Yeah, yeah. You're going to keep your house? And then what would we...

What would you do? Honestly, what would you do? Would the banks be working? Could we get money out? No. No. We're done. Once it starts, it's over. Oh, fuck. That's what I'm saying, dude. Load up. That's crazy. Get golden guns at your house. I would relapse immediately. I'd be there with you. I would try to get to Denver. Let's meet somewhere in the middle. Let's do heroin in Missouri.

And then we'd just be heroin guys. Fine. Whatever. Who cares? I know. You know what I mean? If that's the end, that's the end. Yeah. I want to go out like a... Dude, I had to do my will today this morning. I had to do like my living will. I've done that. Oh my God. And you have to decide like... He literally was like...

Step by step, he's like, if you are in a tragic accident and your brain is incapacitated, right? Like your brain dead, essentially. How long do you want to be alive? Ooh, how long did you say? I had to do it today. How long do you think I said?

Your brain. I'm brain dead, but there, but I'm, you know, in a, I'm in a vegetative state, but there's hope that I might come back or you never, you know what I mean? But they ask you how long. Interesting. What do you guys think? Zero minutes. What about you? One week.

One week. George is actually right. You know I did a week so family could come say goodbye to you. But you said that there could be a possibility that you can be alive. There is a possibility. Why wouldn't you give more than a week then? Just one week.

I said one week they can come say goodbye because I don't want to put the burden of me being in a vegetative state on other people. I want to put the burden. I know you do. Yeah, yeah. I'm a burden guy. You're 10 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a 10-year guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're 10 years. Yeah. I want everyone to come. I know. I said one week for the family to come say goodbye and then after that.

It says drug, drug induced. There's a lot of money though. That's wasted. That's what I mean. Yeah. I don't want my family to have my money. So just put the money. Well, that was the next question. After all that stuff was like, who gets your funds and all this bullshit. So what'd you do? Do I get any? In the event that... I don't like that smile. Do I get any? Well, first of all, my wife gets all of it. All? Yeah. In the event that she's not around...

She won't be. Trust me. Okay. Okay. She's out. Let's say both of us died tragically together. Yeah. It goes to my parents. And let's say if my parents aren't alive. Then it goes to my sister. And if my sister is not alive, it goes to my dog. And if my dog, no, my dog's not. And if you haven't eaten my dog by this point, no. No, no, no. It goes to then my sister. And then after that, it goes to three or four different charities.

One of which being Children's Hospital. They don't need the money. Yes, they do. Okay. My bad answer. Kids having cancer is the worst thing in the fucking... There is literally no greater crime the universe commits than giving children cancer. Interest. You wouldn't need my money. Interesting. You would never give me any of your money when you're dead. You're in my fucking will. You don't get a lot, but you're in it.

Well, then I'll change it. Am I really? Yeah. How much do I get? Everyone's in it. Well, tell me how much I get. Like 20 grand. Fuck you. 20 fucking grand for all I've done for you? You know how much money? I have 100 grand in the bank. Well, then give me the 100. No.

My mom, my brother. We have the same thing, but I give everyone something. I think your mom gets all of it, and if she's not around, Steve gets all of it. No, that's not what I have. Everyone gets something. Abby gets something. Everyone gets something. Abby gets something? My manager, yeah, yeah. Why? Who do I care? I'm going to be dead. That's my point.

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and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash badfriends today. That's rocketmoney.com slash badfriends, rocketmoney.com slash badfriends. That's my point, though. That's why I'm going to give it to charity, because what do I fucking care? I care! No, give charity. Okay. We should give it away. Well, can I have something of yours? You actually do. What? I can't tell you. I think you're lying, dude. No, you do get something.

now we get to the topic of death and i'm it's not death no no it's just a beautiful way of you have to frame your life while you're here and they tell you you're not young anymore you got to fucking set up a thing in case you go away So in case this World War III happens in 2025 that we're in. But when you see like a celebrity die at 53, because I'm 53, right? You go, because I feel so young still. And you just kind of go.

Oh, shit, it can happen at any time. Ricky Henderson died, the baseball player. I know this episode will be out significantly after. How old was he? Young, dude. I think he was 63, which fucking, that fucked me up. I think he died. He died of 65. Yeah. And he died of... pneumonia. What? Which never fucking happened. Maybe he had pre-existing conditions, something else. So Bobby, this guy, the way you love football players, soccer players, this guy was the man.

For you. Well, I mean, he didn't play for anything that I loved. He was just, back when I was a kid, he was... He was incredible. Ricky Henderson was the fucking man. So fast. A supreme athlete. Literally never heard of him. Look at the size of his fucking legs. I'm not joking. That's bigger than your body. That's bigger than your stomach. I'm not kidding. But 65 is so young.

That's what scares me. Yeah, he's pretty young. I mean, that's so young. You're 50 years old. How old was Bob Saget? Well, Bob was a tragic accident. How old was he? I think he was in his mid-50s or late 50s. 50s. 60s. He was 60? 65. Whoa. Yeah. That, that, that fucked me up. Well, that was a horrible accident that should have never happened. Yeah. Right. So that he would have lived significantly longer. He wasn't sick or anything. That was just a bad accident.

What a good guy. Anyway. No more death. No more death. Let's not talk about death anymore. Let's talk about life. Let's talk about the birth of life. Let's talk about a birth of life. The ancient big head people, scientists uncover a lost human in Asia with an abnormally large skull that lived alongside Homo sapiens. They're called Asians. What are you talking about? Big head people. That's what they did. That's just what they called.

Call them Asians, dude. Is that what they just called them? Big head people? Yeah, yeah. Look at how... Okay, well, how big is it? From that photo, I can't tell. This is what they... Like a mock-up of them. He looks... What the fuck? That looks like, what's his name who works at the store? Yeah, yeah. But is that why Koreans have such big heads? Because they intermingled a little bit? Yeah, that's right.

I don't know what the people are called in Korea or in Japan, but there's a type of people that they didn't look Asian, but they're mixed with Asians, and that's why Japanese people look the way they do. It's nicotine. I'm not vaping weed at work. I don't know. Dude, we don't know anymore.

We don't know anymore. We don't know. We know. No, we know. We know. How about that? How about we know? Yeah, we know. Bro, I'm not smoking weed at work. Whenever you've seen me vape. You're smoking weed outside of work, though. I'm not vaping weed or anything like that. I'm not, dude. What's the truth? The truth is that... But did you take something last week? What do you mean? What do you mean? Oh, here at work? Dude, I never come to work high. Okay. But you do it off of work.

i have yes yes a little bit yeah i know but i'm not like because when i saw you in that alleyway when i saw you in the alleyway you did look stoned you looked stoned dude when

when I caught you in the alleyway. Dude, that was a whole situation. Were you not high? I was not high that night. Nothing. I was embarrassed because I was with a girl. No, dude, there was something going on. What do you mean you were embarrassed you were with a girl? No, there was a girl and a guy. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they were doing some sort of trick, like...

some sexual three-way and i was you have a threesome no i didn't but i was embarrassed bobby caught me like striking out with a girl oh well yeah it's kind of funny yeah but but i didn't bring like you've never seen me vape weed in australia here ever Never. Did you hook up with the guy and not the girl? No, but he was more interested in talking to me. It was weird. He DM'd me later. Really? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. I watched this reality show this week and I only related to the gay men on it. Okay. Anyway, what's going on? What's it called? Mexican Dynasties. I loved it. Have I seen this? Have we seen this? Mexican Dynasties? Mexican reality show. It's so good about rich people in Mexico City. Oh. Oh, wow. Now I have to watch that. Yeah. Because rich Mexicans are my favorite. They're my favorite. Yeah, yeah. Great restaurants in Mexico City, I hear.

Is that the people? Jumon, right? What are they called? Jumon. Jumon. Jumon people. At one point, they look like a Spanish midfield soccer player. Okay. And then they mixed it with, you know what I mean, a regular age. Right. Right. And then the Japanese occurred. But at one point they looked like that. It's interesting when people, it is funny when the more mixing there is as time has gone on. Yeah.

Like Tiger Woods, look at his kids. He just plays playing in this thing with his son, obviously. Let me see what Tiger Woods looks like. But he's got a daughter and a son, but it's like you couldn't tell what that kid is. You'd have no idea what that kid is. Oh, the kid is Islander.

They always look Hawaiian. Pacific Islander. At the end of the day, when you mix enough, they're Hawaiian. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What are you? Hawaiian. You know who's cute? Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti's kid. There's no photo? I did see a photo. I mean, it was through a text or something. He was like really cute, like handsome almost. That's a big thing. People now, celebrities, they put their kids up on the internet, but they cover their face with like a smiley face and like an ice cream cone.

It's weird. Then why even have the photo itself? Do you know what I mean? Why put up the picture? If you don't want to have your family on there, don't put them on there. But then why put them on there and then cover up their face? That seems so strange. It's like, just do it or don't do it. Do you like I miss Jordan? Do you ever miss people?

Yeah. I mean, I don't know him. I don't miss him because I don't know him. I miss... He's hanging out with him every day for so long, and then I just kind of miss him. Well, I stayed on the phone last night with Jay Larson for like an hour. Dude, I love that guy so much. He's the best, dude.

And he's a great guy. So funny. And dude, we called each other because it was like the old days. The hallway was like... Dude, I saw you. That was good. It just felt like the old days. It felt like the old days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so Jay called me and I... Or I called Jay and we both said the same thing. I was like, dude, that felt like it used to feel when it was like.

I don't know, when the store had people coming and going more and everyone was finally in town. That was fun, yeah. It was great. That's a fun, yeah. But I miss, there were some guys that I miss. No, I want to, can you be completely honest with me because, um. You did great last night. I wasn't going to say anything. Oh boy. But I'll just get it out of the way. When I walked into the improv and I saw you in the dark, I got the vibe of you going, get away from me. Was that true?

No, you know better. No, no, I'm being real. When have I ever done that? You were sitting there on your phone. You look up at me. I look at you. And then you went back into your phone. And I just left the room. No.

That's what happened. No, I know, because it was quiet in the room. But when I see you at the store, we always say hi. What do you mean? Okay. No, I'll tell you what it really was. You're back. Yeah, I was in the middle of a little pain moment. And I was sitting there in pain until the drugs kicked in.

That was a good, fun improv spot. It was great. I thought they were good. Yeah, they were very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were very good except that girl who left in your set also left in my set. I hate that. What are you doing? In the middle of a setup, you don't stand up in the front row and leave. I have to say something. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going right now? Right now? Yeah. Right now? Yeah, yeah.

There's an obvious piss break, which is when the house goes up and brings people on. That's your way out. In between comics. Yeah, yeah. Or sit it out in the middle of the set.

it's a joke joke joke and then when there's a little break between jokes then get up and get out as fast as you can but not when you're like in the middle of a setup it's like right when you're starting to tell a joke and someone's like and they get and you're like i wouldn't do it yeah because then everybody goes what's that guy doing is he gonna

What is he headed to? In the main room, something happened where I told one joke that I knew that some people aren't going to like. And then I looked to my left and these two girls were so tuned out at me. I stopped the show and I look at him and go, oh, you guys are tuned out. And one girl did this. And this isn't even fun. I don't know what she was doing. She just goes like this. She goes. Oh, she showed your feet. I put her feet in my face. Right. With two feet coming up.

I go, what the fuck is that? And I just walked to the other side of the stage. I go, that's fucking weird. I've never seen that before in my life. What the fuck are you doing? It was almost like, fuck you. Yeah, double fuck. Double fuck with my feet. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. I'm going to ask you another thing. Have you ever had this happen? You're at a club, comedy club. Yeah. There's a woman there. Yeah. Very attractive. Sure.

But there's crazy in their eyes. And so then you have to, and she was like, you know, and I can tell that when she gave me a hug, it was like her chest into me and that she wouldn't let go. Oh, wow. Right? She was going to kill you. Right, and she goes, she looks at me and she's like, what are we doing? And I go, oh no, I'm seeing somebody. Oh, she was looking there. Yeah, because, Carlos, have you ever met anybody that you were like,

I think it's crazy and I can't do it. Or do you do it? He goes for it. 60, 40. Like when I was younger, I would do it more. Now I try not to, but also fail. So I usually do. I think it's 100% fail. For you. Yeah, I usually do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do 64. Don't do 64. I know. How about you? When I see people with crazy eyes. Yeah, crazy eyes. Immediately, I run for the fucking hills. She was hot, but crazy eyes. Yeah, the hot ones do have crazy eyes. Yeah, yeah. But if she's hot.

I know, but it's like, I understand that. It was a dilemma. You did the right thing. I think so. Because you don't want crazy eyes in the morning. She's like, I moved in. I know. Yeah, that's what I mean. That's my U-Haul. Yeah, yeah. I figured that's okay. Yeah, yeah. When they say crazy things like, I make fresh pasta from scratch. Oh, no. See, I'm intrigued. You are? Yeah. No. No, fresh pasta. I'm into fresh pasta. Your third line in.

You know what I mean? I'm Candice, right? I live in LA. I make fresh pasta. You do? From scratch. That's crazy. I would love fresh pasta. Oh, throw it in. You're fine. Fresh pasta? She didn't say I like hand... pluck goose feathers she's not like I fucking kill geese in my backyard it's some arbitrary like information that like shouldn't be in the third thing as long as the arbitrary information is something cool like I make something neat I do an artistic thing that's cool

But if she said- Okay, I'm going to say something. Okay. Hi. Hi. How are you? My name is Lisbon. Hey, Lisbon. I live in Burbank. Oh, great. Yeah, I know Burbank. Yeah. And you know the end of lamp fixtures? I suck on those. You do? Crazy? I love it. I have so many lamps in my house. You like that. My house is filled with lamps. So that's not nuts to you? Not at all. Okay. Hi. Hey, hi. Yeah. Hey, Bobby, I'm such a big fan. What's your name? Chandala.

Shandala? Shandala? Like chandelier and Andrea? Shandala? Okay. Hi, Shandala. That's my mom was a chandelier salesperson. Okay. My dad's name was Andrea. Okay. What's the arbitrary thing? My name is Chandala. Yes. I live on the west side. Okay. I live by Santa Monica. Yeah, I know what the west side is. If we have a nuclear bomb, it won't get to us. Google. Do you know that? Yeah, I do.

I floss my teeth with my own hair. I just want to let you know that. Yeah, yeah. What do you say? That's fine. That wouldn't turn you off. I don't think that would turn me off. She takes her hair, flosses her teeth, puts it back. Yeah. When women do that. That wouldn't turn you off? That turns you off? If she used her hair to floss her teeth. That turns you off. Me too then. Way more than. Me too then.

More than sucking on a lamp fucking thing. Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's pretty normal. If you floss with your hair and then put your hair back like it never happened, this is every day. Yeah. What about this? I had a girl... We were taking a shower together and she peed in the shower. Love. I love that. Pee on me. Yeah. But you know what? And I'm fine with that. Oh, but when I poo in the bathtub, it's...

Armageddon. It is. It should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, whoa, you could do that and I can't shit when I'm taking a bath? Two different things. They are? Yeah, completely. Okay, I don't know. You know that. Yeah. Hi. What? Hi. I'm Cassette. Like a tape cassette? I don't know what that is. I'm 25. Oh, hey, cassette. Hi. I'm such a big fan of Bad Friends. Oh, thank you, cassette. I love you. Anyway, I got another set to do. I live in Venice.

Do you want to come over to my house? What street? Lincoln? Wayward. Oh, I know Wayward. Very specific. I collect dead pigeons. I embalm them and my house is filled with them. Your taxidermy. No. What do you call it? I call it just pigeon girl. I'm pigeon girl. Oh, yeah. I'm out. Really? I'm fucking out. I have huge tits. Okay, what else? And I love Korean men. That's a win. Third thing, and then I'm in. Give me one good one. I make homemade pasta. I'm out. I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, I want to say, if she looked like Margot Robbie. Hot. Right? So hot. So hot, right? God, she's so beautiful. And she had crazy eyes. Yeah. Right? The floss would be fine. I think the pasta would be fine. Pasta's obviously fine. Yeah, it's fine. Dead pigeons all over the house. Taxidermy pigeons. I think dead pigeons would be fine too. If it's Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie. What about you?

If you were not with your wife. I would have to get in and get out. I'd be like, look, let's hang out once. But if you start with pigeons, where else does it go? But you'd have to wear a condom. With the pigeon lady? Yeah. No. I mean, this is what happens. Because you know what Trisha Paytas said? You knock up a pigeon lady? No, but you know how there are women at Hollywood clubs that seek celebrities to get impregnated by them? Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of those. I know. You got to be careful. You're out there fucking hanging out, having fun, being single. And it's like, you never know. Some girl could be Miss Lee. I know. But what I do is I do edging and I edge and I don't come. Do you do that? I have.

Yeah, but you know edging still leaks a little bit. I know. Your pipes aren't closed anymore. Why does it leak? Because we're getting older. You're going to leak. Yeah, yeah. Like after you go to the bathroom, after you take a piss, you piss your pants a little bit afterwards. I do. I know. How do you know? We all do. Okay, good. But as you get older, it gets worse. My dad sometimes will piss his actual pants. Yeah, it does. He'll just piss his pants. Yeah, yeah.

He'll be like, oh, god damn it. There'll be a spot like this big. Have you ever caught me smelling my penis? What? You never caught me doing that? Have you caught me doing that? Smelling it? You've caught me, George, right? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I'll do is... And it's quick. Oh, I've seen you do that. You've seen me do that, right? It's because of the leaking. Oh, you want to make sure you're not leaking too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You leak, don't you, Carlos?

Yeah, those pipes leak. George leaks for sure. So when my brother was 12 years old, he had a neighborhood, this Jewish kid that came over. And my brother had... a casio keyboard that my parents had bought him for his birthday yeah and when my dad took naps right if you made if a feather fell on the ground forget it it's it's

The yellow Incredible Hulk. It's like... You know what I mean? So my brother was playing keyboards, right? My dad took naps naked. Why? So this is broad daylight on a Saturday, right? My dad walks into my... Brother's room, completely naked, right? He takes the keyboard and smashes it on my brother's back. Keys are flying out, right? But when he turned around.

My brother and his friend laughed because what did they say? Your dad's little Korean penis. No, he turned around leaving the room. Oh, his ass? The Korean kite. My dad used to sleep. with a bunch of toilet paper jammed in his butthole, and the fucking toilet paper would be sticking out. He'd look like a Korean kite, right? Shopify! If you don't have Shopify, you're sinking, dude, deep.

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Toilet paper. Why, you leak or something? There's a little bit of leakage sometimes. At night? Or just when you- 24-7. When you sleep. Right now, you have TP up. Well, I'm on Ozempic right now, so it clogs it up. Right. But in just regular- Sometimes. Really? Yeah. So I have to like, and what I do is, I don't know if you notice, I don't know why I'm revealing this. This is so disgusting. Give it to me. Well, I'm already giving it to you. Well, go. Okay.

This is so disgusting. I don't even know what I was just saying. I'm going to do it. Fuck it. I don't care. But it's like, if you notice, I have bottles of cologne on me. All the time. Right. In your car. And I have wet naps. Sure. Right. On the go. So this is an emergency kit. So what I do is at the LAX or whatever, right? Dude, when we're traveling, that's what you're doing. You go wipe off the leak and spray, spray, spray? I spray.

On the pad. On the fucking wet ones. I know. I've smelled it. Right? Then I do a thing, right? Just in case. Just in case. There's leakage, yeah. You don't have emergency things like that? Anybody in the room? Please back me up. Anybody? We're not over 50. Oh, that's true. No, it's just, I think that's hereditary. I think that's your family. I think it's your dad. Yeah, so my dad, I think I'm a Korean kite as well.

You should start walking around with it in there just in case. You know? Yeah. My dad used to, I mean, dude, one time, man, my dad, my dad, my mom fucked up on rice. She fucked up rice? When Koreans fuck up rice, people get mad. That's divorce. Yeah, yeah. That's how marriages end. So rice was way too dry. Oh, yeah. So my brother and I, my mom and dad were at the dinner table.

and my dad and you know you know um korean food what's the great thing about korean food when it comes when you're at a korean restaurant all the little little the little sides yeah yeah hundred so you know my mom did the same thing there's like 15 little tiny, you know what I mean? Oh, I love that. It's the best, right? Love that. And the little grill on the table, right? Snacks on the go. And then the rice was a little too dry. And once I took the bite of the rice...

My mind went, oh, no. Dry rice, dry rice, right? My dad took the table and threw it into the ceiling and all the panchan stuck to the ceiling and it rained kimchi, right? No, I'm not kidding you, dude. And it was like, oh, my mom was running from my dad. It was insane. Kimchi rain. So if you're Korean, don't make it perfect, the rice. Make the rice perfect. Yeah. There's so much trauma. My parents never cooked.

My mom wasn't a big cook. My dad's favorite meal of my mom's is called burnt chicken. Really? It's called burnt chicken. No sauce? No, there's a fuckload of sauce. Everything is sauce. What kind of sauce? She does like a homemade, it's like a honey barbecue. It's got a homemade barbecue with a teriyaki base. It's like a teriyaki base. That's a good... But it's burned chicken. It's chicken that they burned. Did you ever do Hungry Man?

The Hungry Man meals? Yeah. Yeah, the frozen meals. Every meal. Love those. Yeah. My favorite thing of the Hungry Man meal is that little dessert section. Like the apple. Brownie or the... Yeah, the brownie or apple thing or whatever. Oh, it's the best. You never did Hungry Man's?

No, I've done it before. I know the problem. Your parents did doctors. He didn't have to do that. Yeah. Doctors fed you. No, I had it in L.A. My favorite was turkey and the little stuffing gravy one with the mashed potatoes. What is that? Green peas. That was hungry, man.

That's a Hungry Man one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's, I just don't do frozen pasta. Do you do that? In college, I did a lot of bag of Stouffer's. You know, the Stouffer's meals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to do those. And one time I was visiting my buddy Tyler in DC and I had a late night flight and it was.

storming outside, storming. And Tyler and I, you know, we used to get high together all the time. That's how we met in high school, smoking weed at lunch. And I have a late night flight. He makes one of those Stouffer's, look at the Stouffer's two-for-one pasta bags. He makes one of these...

Stouffer's late night pasta bags, right? One of those right there. That bag. It was a bag, right? Exactly, like grilled. Whoa. Asiago chicken, right? So he grills up one of these things, you know? Feeds me before I catch my flight. We're in college.

And I'm sitting there and I go to the bathroom and I'm like feeling kind of out of it. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what am I doing? I go back and sit down and I'm like feeling funky. And I'm already kind of anxious because it's a midnight flight or whatever, pouring down rain. And he goes, are you stoned?

I go, what? I'm not stoned. Do you feel stoned? I go, why? He goes, I put a huge chunk of weed butter in the Stouffer's skillets. I was like, wait, are you serious? He goes, oh yeah, I put a fuckload in there. He's like, I figured it'd be good for your flight. I was like, no, bad, bad. Bad. Did you get high? I was so fucking high. I was so- Were you mad?

No, I couldn't be mad. I was scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, how am I going to get to the airport? How am I going to get home? He's like, oh, what do you mean? You'll catch a cab. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Panic. That was the worst flight. Dude, if somebody did that to me now, sober, I'll be, yeah. No! It's a free one. No, dude, I got way too high. Should I do it as a surprise? No, fuck you. No, no, no, because now it's not.

Yeah, yeah. Idiot. If I eat a bowl of pasta you gave me, there's no way. I would know secretly that you did it. Imagine you dose his pasta, but because he ozempic, he can't finish it. Never even gets high. I know. Wow. Dude, so many of our friends are on Ozempic. I know. It's crazy how many people are talking to me about it or whatever the other one is that you're on.

We go over. There's a bunch of different ones. The amount of people, and I can't name names. It's not my business to say, but the amount of people that I've told me privately are on it. So many. I'm blowing my mind. I feel like it's like a thing. It's almost like a thing I'm finding out that, you know, when you find out as you get older, something your parents did that you're like.

everybody did that yeah your parents like yeah we just didn't don't worry about it shut up i had like i had no idea that many people took this shit it really does work though it's i i can't believe it i know i can believe it it's it's it's what it's you know it's supposed to help people Stop fucking eating and it's working. Because I've been taking this girl out to BLVD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? It goes, yeah. And even me, you know what I order there? I go, give me, as my meal, I get.

The three sauteed shrimp, it's so good. They are so good. Right? And I'll get some, you know, halibut ceviche. You're right. And that's it. And that's all night. That's... The only thing I'll eat. What? Yeah. You won't even have a piece of steak? No. She ate a fucking tomahawk like this. No dessert. Nothing. No dessert. Nothing. I can't get anything else in.

That's incredible. You eat it and you're like, I'm done. I'm about to vomit. God, that's amazing. It's amazing. It is a miracle. And then you don't get like hunger pains at night. What about, yeah, in the middle of the night? Sometimes I do eat cereal. In the middle of the night? Yeah, and I'll eat either. My favorite is I love golden grahams. Oh, GGs. Right? I like cinnamon life. I like cinnamon life. Cinnamon life, my friend. Well, here's why you like it. What? Because the milk is phenomenal.

I want to do Cinnamon Life and just bottle that milk afterwards and sell Cinnamon Life milk. Dude, you're so smart. You're a bright guy. Why don't they do that? Yeah. What's your least favorite cereal? This is easy. Oh, it's so easy. Captain Crunch.

Because it cuts your tongue and your mouth. I hate the flavor, everything about it. But the peanut butter Captain Crunch is pretty good. I can't eat it. I hate it. What about like blueberries? Hate it. Wow. I'm going to tell you right now what I like. Count Chocula. Is that like Fruity Pebbles? No, Count Chocolate is like an iteration of Captain Crunchyrolls. Okay. Fruity Pebbles. Anything Fruity Pebbly, I like. I don't like that. Do you like anything that doesn't come with a toy?

Just make it up for Andres being gone. Yeah. Well, you're doing a great job because he's just as shitty as you. That's the same Bob. That makes me mad. That. That right there ruined it all for me. No, let's keep moving. Okay, Cocoa Pebbles is the same as Fruity Pebbles. I like anything pebbly. You are a pebble guy. I'm a pebble guy. Hold on. Fruit Loops. Nope.

No. I don't like loops. So Apple Jacks are out then. I'm out. Wow. Wow, that's crazy. Apple Jacks are so good. What I do like, I like the frosted mini wheats. Yeah, okay. First of all. It absorbs the milk. It's great.

It's the best. They need more frosting. No, I like that one side. Frosting should go all the way around. That's not true at all. Frosting should go all the way around. It's too much. It's too much. No, then you're eating just shredded wheat. Because by the way, sometimes I'll say this. Listen up. Dude, those things are the best. Listen up, Kellogg's. Yeah.

I'll tell you what pisses me off about frosted mini-wheats. Lately, they've been skimping on the frost. A lot of times I'll see a mini-wheat there, the whole thing, the whole one side isn't frosted. It'll be a little piece of frost. Look at that long piece of fucking...

Sometimes you get a double down. I don't want a double one. No, I love that. All right, so. And I suck it like it's. Right. I know you do. So, and I've talked about this before, I think. I don't know where, but, and I've had to campaign because in the late.

70s early 80s yeah um there was one thing that was the greatest thing ever made it was the greatest thing ever made it's what i survived on i if i think about it today my mouth waters all right give me the initials i can guess it you're never going to guess it give me the initials i'll just say carnation oh instant the instant breakfast no

In the early 80s, there was a Carnation breakfast bar. Oh, you told us about this. Yeah, yeah. Right, the breakfast bar. And they stopped making it. And if you go online, people still want the recipe. I remember this thing. Yeah, it was the greatest... breakfast thing the way it fell apart in your mouth the crunch the crumble everything about it

I would buy 15 boxes at the fucking thing. Is Carnation still a company? Look that up. Do they still exist? Yeah, they are. They do? But they don't make those bars anymore. Somebody owns them now. Somebody's got to remake that. Why don't we fucking, we should do Bad Friends Carnation breakfast bars. Who owns Carnation now? Look that up. Nestle. Oh, they do? Yeah. Oh, Nestle.

Parent company. Frasier and Neve. I think people have tried online. I've read it on Reddit and stuff. People have tried to make it. I don't think they've, I think they've failed. There's something magical about it. Well, the magic is gone. It's gone. Isn't it funny when you find out who owns something? Like the other day I looked up JetBlue because I was like, they were booking me on a JetBlue flight because I got to fly for this gig. And I was like,

Oh yeah, JetBlue. And then look who owns JetBlue, by the way. Because I was looking up what the- Oh my God. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on before you get to it. I was looking up what the flight stat, like are they owned by United? It was like they had a partnership, right? That's what I was looking for, for their points or whatever.

And then I accidentally looked up who owns it. Zoom in. Look at this. BlackRock. Vanguard. BlackRock, dude. I don't know who that is. One of the largest fucking like venture capital conglomerate. They own the world. Wow. They're probably the biggest purveyors of war. BlackRock is basically fucking... I mean, they make everything. Look what they own. As of December, BlackRock's market cap net worth is $159 billion, the world's largest money management firm. They own everything.

They have $11.5 trillion in assets. Trillion. Yeah, because they're military. They make military. Trillion. Oh, yeah. Big T. Imagine, what would you do if you were a trillionaire? You'd never see me again. Oh yeah. You'd see me. No. On everything. Put yourself on billboards all up and down. Clouds. The clouds would be my face.

Is that a cloud seeding? You would look up, all the clouds would be. Oh, they're bobby seeding again. It's so fucking rad. Yeah. Private military companies, black water. Oh, black rock, not black water. That's Blackwater, right? No, but BlackRock does military contracting. Yeah, they do contracting, right. Trillion. Well, dude, you saw what happened the other day to fucking Elon Musk, right? Since Trump's election.

He made $40 billion because of his stock options and everything like that shot through the roof between SpaceX, ex-Tesla, $439 billion. $439 billion. Billion dollars. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at that. Jeff Bezos, 237. Nice try, bitch. He's getting married. Who is? Bezos.

He's getting married? Yeah, in Aspen, I think, this weekend. Are you going? Did you get invited? No, no. Surprised you're not. We should all get invited for how many Amazon... My house is an Amazon fucking factory. The amount of shit my wife gets from Amazon, comical. No, it's honestly at this point, the fucking driver the other day goes back again. Wow.

Back again, that's what he says. Is she addicted? I'm addicted. Is she addicted? She's bad addicted. Yeah, yeah. What did she get? It's bullshit. It's all bullshit for the house. It's stuff. It's small stuff for the house. And you don't yell at her ever. No, why? Who gives a fuck? It's just funny to me. I'm like, more shit? Wait, so does she say to you, you know, I spent $4,200 this week.

No, she doesn't spend it. It's not like that. It's just small stuff. Yeah, but she doesn't have to go to you and go, hey, I spent this. No, why? Okay, that's great. What a great dad. A brother's husband. Dad, brother, husband. What a great dad, brother, husband. You know, some guys are like that. Like, hey, sweetie, I want to see the receipts. You know what I mean? No, because she's not buying crazy shit. She's just buying like... So if she did spend like...

$22,000 on something, would she tell you? Yeah, we'd have to have a conversation. $22,000? I'd be like, what was it? What? What was it did you buy? High heels. Baby, you bought $22,000 high heels? No, I bought like... 14 of them. That led up to $22,000. So don't yell at me. No, well, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot of money. Why are we spending $22,000 on shoes? I like them.

I know that you like him, but could you get less than 14? No. You need him. Yeah. You promise? Yes. All right, it's fine. And you're fine with it? I guess if you say you need him, what am I going to do if you say you need him? Wow. What am I going to say? Yeah. Because then it's like, then I want to go buy something fun for me. Because she could be like, why do you want that car? I really love cars. What's the justification? Right. We all have our bullshit that our partner could go.

Well, that's stupid as fuck. Yeah. And by the way, it probably is. Shoes are dumb. Clothes are dumb. Cars are dumb. Toys are dumb. But like I want we want them. So fuck it. Guess what? The number one thing I buy off of. TikTok and Instagram. And I get something every week. Sex toys. No. Pants. Shoes. Slides. What's a slide mean? Sandals. Flip that. He's right. Comfy sandals. No. Oh, oh, oh.

A thing for the cats. Yes. Oh, I did that, and it never came. I was so mad. A thing for the cats. You know why? Ben, I bought it on Amazon, the same thing, and the cat didn't even play with it. That's why you have to buy a lot. You gotta buy more. I buy everything. A bird. A mechanical bird. You charge it, right? And the cats just kind of walk by it. They don't give a fuck, dude. You got to keep trying. Yeah, I keep trying. I bought a scratching pot that looked like an Asian temple.

Oh, cute. It's right outside my... When I left the house today, the box was there, so I'm going to assemble it when I get back. That's cute. I can't wait. Yeah, stuff for the animal. I'll buy anything for the dog. I don't give a shit. Yeah. But when I say she... If she spent... Like, look, if she had a problem... it was bad and she spent too much money where it was like scary. Yeah. We'd have a conversation about it, but you know what I mean? It would have to be like, what the fuck's going on?

But that was the thing I think about sometimes. You hear these stories later in life, people that are like, this spouse was spending crazy money and they didn't know. Do you know what I mean? You know those fucked up stories where they're like, they had a gambling addiction and they were, you know. What happened? No, sometimes. the wife is so in debt and she's hiding it from the husband. Yeah.

She kills the husband? I've seen a couple of those. Have you seen a couple of those? They kill them because they don't want to have to tell them. You'd rather kill me than tell me we're in debt? I know. Fucking tell me. Or the worst. And then what happens when you tell me that we're in debt? Then I kill you. Yeah, yeah. That's why. Or what would you do if you found out that your wife put a hit on you? I've seen a couple of those too. It turned me on a little bit. That would destroy me.

It'd be kind of hot, though, at first. You'd want to fuck it out. What do you mean? College, you'd be like, you tried to fucking kill me? Yeah, I forgive you, but we gotta fuck a lot. We gotta fuck a lot, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I found out my wife put a hit out on me, it would turn me on for the creativity of it. It's kind of rad. Where'd you find these guys? It's divorce, though. I don't know.

That would be real. Might be fight to the death. Yeah. How about you? How about you do it? George? Oh, I'd just move away. I'd hide. Would you get divorced, though? No, I would not pass go. I'd just be in the middle of Montana. Oh, yeah. Glacier National Park. What are your kids, though? Kids? What kids? He's gone. You take the kids?

If I had time, but if they were a daycare, I'd just be gone. First Greyhound out of town. What a man. Well, you know what it is. You're a real man, dude. He doesn't want these kids or this wife. He's gone. This guy's dreaming of the mountains in his mind. He wants to run away by a little river. But do you have enough to survive? I mean, yeah, but you're like, you know, Ted Kaczynski or whatever. Oh, yeah. He was poor. That was his real problem. Yeah. He didn't get any.

I've listened to a whole podcast. That's his name, Ted Kaczynski? Yeah. Yeah, Unabomber, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him and his brother were real weirdos. Yeah, you would wear, I'd have a beard. You'd be like making things in the fucking shed. Yeah, make his own clothes. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. You'd be so weird. Carlos, what would you do if you're... significant other put a hit on on you oh i'd call the fbi and thank you snitch fucking rat

Snitch. Brat. No, fuck her. Oh, getting divorced is like a cheat code. I would. Oh, now I get to be single. I'd slowly poison her. Yeah. Oh, I like. Oh, yeah. I find out she was to put a hit on me. I'd slowly poison. So I saw one where a girl. gets caught now she's at the cops and they they confront her they go we know we have it all on tape right and the husband's there oh right and then the cop opens the door the husband's there and she goes

Tommy, come here. Just come here. Let's talk. Fuck you. Come here, Tommy. Seriously, what the fuck is going on, Tommy? Tommy's like, fuck off, right? Yeah. But it's like, what do you think is going to happen, lady? Yeah, but she probably was trying to manipulate him. That's, by the way, she's probably. She's probably a master manipulator. She's probably a sociopath, and she probably thinks, I didn't do anything wrong. She wasn't doing that hot!

If you're going to kill me, you better be hot. You better be hot. You better be so hot. Margot Robbie. Yeah, you better be. Margot, fuck, kill me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. Oh, my God. Hey, Sidney Sweeney. Murder me. Murder me. Slit my throat in cold blood. But it's like the gall. To have you put a hit is crazy. It's crazy, dude. If you were going to put a hit on somebody, how would you go find someone to do that, though? You can't Google it.

There's no way to do it. Late at night, I do think about stuff. Because, you know, late at night, you have revenge fantasies. You do, for sure. You don't have revenge fantasies? Not really. I don't care. Me either, then. You love it. I know you do.

So I lay in my bed and that always putting on a hit in my scenarios in my head because I go, how would I do it? Well, you go get a homeless guy. Even then, it's like, no, because they're going to catch you on tape. How? Even approaching the homeless guy. What's Bobby Lee giving a homeless guy four grand? I wasn't giving him that much money. Okay. I hid the money. He had to go get it. So I'm at Skid Row. I got it all planned out. You do? I'm hanging out at Skid Row. Yeah.

I go, that guy might go. Hey, sir, can you come here? And he's like, ah, shit, I'm a fake, a cuckoo-cuckoo. And then you're like, okay, that's not the guy. The cuckoo-cuckoo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my guy. Right, and then so where would I go? And then I would probably go to like Guam. The guy that works He looks like he knows somebody Yeah he does You know hypothetical No dude get the fuck away from me That means he does I think I would call the shadiest guy now

Yeah. But after that, I'd be like, I don't know what to do. I'd get a homeless guy because then it's a phone. You know, if you get a crazy homeless guy and you hide the money, you give him like two couple of tasks. One, he's got to go kill someone. Two, I've hid the money all over the place. It's a scavenger hunt for him to get the money. Then it gives him an adventure, you know? Well, the money part, because these clubs now pay you cash. Yeah.

Right. So I would just do a bunch of improv spots. Right. Get the cash. That's how I get the cash. Right. There you go. So they have cash in my pocket. Untraceable. I'll save about 10 grand worth of. You think someone's going to kill someone for 10 grand? Down payment. You always say put a down payment down. Until the task is done. What does it cost to kill somebody? You go 10 grand at first. Yeah. Okay, 20 grand.

20 grand to kill someone? Yeah. No chance. It's got to be way more than that. Someone's not going to kill someone for 10 grand. You can hire a hitman on the dark web. Or you could get a ghost gun. That's what I was going to tell Bobby to do is he should kill... Her himself. What's a ghost gun? 3D printed gun. Wow. Oh, and you can destroy it when you're done? It's what Luigi used.

Did he really? That's why it was so weird looking. Whoa. So he printed his own gun? Oh, that's cool. That's kind of weird. He printed his own gun, but didn't cover up any other parts of his tracks. Like he literally was like, huh? He didn't have gloves on. He didn't check to see if he was dead.

Yeah, so it's like he left all the other evidence. He, like, went out of his way to get a 3D gun. But he also got a silencer, and apparently that was the wrong move. Why? Oh, you don't know? Why? Wait, why? Oh, you don't know?

you don't know okay so what professional would say right uh-huh is you make it loud because so that people can hear it and they don't run toward gun violence they run away from it and they duck and they hide right so if he would what that's good yeah so you use a regular right that way right there's no one around interesting And the cop that I heard on the news, they said that he played too many video games.

The kids today, they play so many videos, they think that's how you do it. They put a silencer and all that stuff. It's not just subsonic bullets right in the ear. You're good to go. The way you said that was creepy. I know he's planned it. Yeah, yeah. You've had revenge fantasy. He's had revenge fantasy. Yeah, yeah.

subsonic what in the ear? Uh, subsonic bullets. They don't pass, they don't go over the speed of sound, so then they don't make that big ol' pop. Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. That's a real thing? That's good to know. That's good to know. Yeah. Wow. Subsonic bullets. So when you bang it, Right? It doesn't have a bang? It has a bang, but it's a lot more quiet. Whoa. How do you know this, Jordan? How do you know this, dude?

You know, when a raccoon was getting our chicken. Yeah, a raccoon. You're using a fucking subsonic bullet for a raccoon. Subsonic bullet to get the raccoon because it was eating our... Eating our chickens, and that's kind of highly illegal in the LA city limits. To shoot a gun at a raccoon? Yeah, it's 100% illegal. But it was so quiet, nobody saw it, heard. Wow. How do you write things on the bullet? The pen. Very small pen. He didn't engrave it? No, it was Sharpie. What did it say on the shell?

Deny, depose, delay. And people are getting tattoos of it. It's funny. Deny, depose, delay. They're getting the tattoos of that on the back. Dude, that's so dark. Who would you run up to and kiss on the face? What famous... What CEO would you run up to and kiss on the face? Oh, that's good. Governor of Texas. You go kiss him on the fucking face. You kiss... Yeah. He's kissable. He's so kissable. Some of these guys are so kissable, man. I would kiss him 15 times in the head.

Wouldn't you? Back of the head? Yeah. Back of the head. Back of the head 15 times. Right. And the one in the dick. Yeah. That one's the sweetest one. Yeah. Wow. Deny, depose, delay. There's a couple of comics I want to kiss. Who do you want to kiss? There's always a couple of comics. There's so many comics I want to kiss. Who do you want to kiss? Annie. I don't want to name Annie. No, I don't want to kiss her. I do. You really do?

Yeah, I would kiss her. In the vagina. What she did to me the other night was... What did she do? She started a war with me. Of course. You don't know what she did? No. Oh! Still your example? No, you told me. I told you. That was pretty flagrant. It's flagrant, right? That's a little crazy. So I'm going to tell you what she did, all right? So the main room is packed. I'm bringing Annie up, right? And I have a good set, so I say goodnight. I give her a great intro.

Yeah. And also I'm on a date. So you have a female friend there. So I have a friend in the audience, you know, that's watching the show. She had never seen me perform before. And you killed. I did good, right? So then I bring Annie, and as I'm walking toward the back of the thing, Annie's coming out through those curtains, and she has water. She does a pratfall and throws it on my body. Now I'm drenched wet. And here's...

Here's on purpose on purpose. She says it wasn't on purpose. It was on purpose. I found I later found out it was on purpose. And here's the what's the biggest sin there? Throwing water on you. No. No laugh. Nobody laughed. So the room was quiet. The room was quiet and they're like, oh shit. You know what I mean? So now I'm drenched. It's silence in the room. What did you say? My fucking date is blushing.

Right? And I go, what the fuck? She's like, oh, I'm so sorry. Because you see how upset it was? And then as I went backstage, I went, what the fuck? You know, I went crazy, dude. While she was on stage. But what do you think of that? Is that war? That seems like a war to me. It's an attack. Yeah. That's an attack. By the way, to be fair, you still got laid, but it didn't ruin your night, but it is a little, that's a little war. That's a little baby.

she's throwing up a flare she does things like that she'll also do stuff like kick you in the stomach like she does weird shit she kicks you in the stomach well she'll like do something it's always like some karate thing

And then she'll like, you know what I mean? You're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Annie, what are you doing? Yeah, what is she trying to start a war for you for? What is that? I don't know, dude. I thought you guys were always all right. She also told me, she said, well, that usually works. With you? No, my pratfall with the water. Oh, with the water. It didn't work that time. Yeah, because I killed. Yeah, you did too good. Well, no one, also nobody wants to be wet.

It was so, yeah, you're drenched. I don't want to be wet. Now I'm wet. No, what would you have done if she did that? She would never do that to you. But if she did. She maybe would. But if she did, what would you do? I would go grab water or drink off someone's table and throw it right on her in front of everybody. That would get to laugh.

If she threw it at me, then I would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Laugh it off a little bit. I think it would be uncomfortable in the room. I'd grab a drink off somebody's thing and throw it at her. Yeah, and then... I'd start a food fight. And I forgot who it was, but after Annie, the comic after was mad. Why, do you think? There's water all over the fucking stage? So they had to pause, and some fucking doorman had to go out there and clean the stage. So bad.

So you have now this lull. So Jesus Trejo's got to go up and wait for you to... Yeah, yeah. It was terrible. Got to wait for someone to clean up the water in front of him. Yeah. So what's your... Are you going to respond to this war now? Are you starting a little war back?

Yeah. Seems like you might. You know me. Seems like you might. There's a couple of things she's done over the years that have been like, oh man, that's a war, but I'm going to back off. But the water on you. But the water was almost like the last thing, maybe. Wow. Yeah.

But I don't know. What do you think? What would you have done, Carlos? Oh, I would have lost my temper. I've lost my temper at Annie a lot. Yeah, yeah. You guys have beef or something? No, we just always played around like that. Yeah.

Like I walked off her show once. Did she apologize for the water? No, it was an accident. I slipped. That was her way of not apologizing. But you don't believe it. But later she's like, she said, she didn't say, she still maintains it was a slip, but then she told me.

I've done it before, like throwing water, right? So in my mind, I'm like... That's not a slip. Yeah, that's not a fucking slip, bitch. You know what I mean? We'll see how that plays out. Yeah. Anyway, any New Year's resolution for you? Yeah, I've got resolutions. Go ahead. I'm leaving the state of California as a permanent resident. I can't do it anymore. Is that true? I paid too much in taxes. I got to get out of here. I'm done. I can't support this place. I got to go.

So we're moving the show. Where are you going? Where are we going? We are moving the show. Where are we going? To Nevada. Pahrump, Nevada. Oh, I love that place. We'll go. We're moving to Pahrump. We'll go. We've got to go, dude. Yeah. We've got to set up a studio in Pahrump. So we're going to be setting up a studio in Pahrump, Nevada. We've got to move there. State income tax, we'll save on that. We'll still pay our Fed, but no more California. Do you think we would thrive in Nevada?

Yeah. Like by Vegas? 100%. You think so? What the fuck? We would do great. We could move to Vegas and have the most fun. Do shows all the time. Not Pahrump. No. He was kidding. We're not kidding. Pahrump's a no man left. We'll move to Vegas where we'll open up a club called The Brothership. Yeah yeah yeah Only for black people Only for black people Have to be black to get in Welcome to the brothership y'all Wow And we only play George Clinton in the hallway

I think if we did move to Vegas... If we did move to Vegas, what? I would open up like a 150-seat comedy club. See, I think a 100-seater would be great. That'd be great. Just 100 seats. A little 100-seat, little place. We should do that. Should we do a Bad Friends Club in Vegas? The problem is there's too many clubs in Vegas. There's Jimmy Kimmel's room. There's the cellar has a room. But they're not showcase clubs.

They're a headliner club. They're a headliner. No, no. The cellar is a split showcase. It's a split headliner. But they book it in way in advance. What I'm saying is that I want to do like- For locals. For locals and anyone that's in town that wants to work out. A showcase place. A showcase place, yeah.

Maybe we should do that. There's a Laugh Factory, a Comedy Cellar. It's called LA Comedy Club. There's Las Vegas Live, Brad Garrett's Room, Jimmy Kimmel's, Wise Guys. God, there's so many. There's so many. Carrot Top has a club out there. But you can't just call in. He doesn't have a club. He's got the room with the Luxor. But could you, I mean, I've never been to Vegas where I'm like, I'm going to call in this way. I don't know where to go.

Do you? See, that'd be fun to make a fucking... But is there enough local comics in Vegas that you know you could create a system? Yeah, but there's also a lot of... I know probably 40 comics that just live there.

Okay. So you can go, hey, guys, there's no showcase club, so just call in. If you're in town, it'll just work out. All right. Well, we'll start the brothership down there. The brothership, yeah. In Las Vegas, and we'll have- Happy New Year, everybody. And our premiere show, our premiere show there will-

Be me, me, you, Nate Bargazi, Bert Christ. We'll call in all our favors. We'll have to have a weekly show there hosted by someone. It'll be called Murder Anthony. That's good. Anyway, very good. Very good. Good night. Thank you for being... Let's just end on that note. Let's end on that note. Thank you for being a bad friend.