Bobby's Missed Connections

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Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Well, look at who's back. Hello. Look who's back. Hello. Hello, Porgs. You know, it was really good to see you when I walked into the studio. I fell a little off. Did you really? No. I hugged you twice.

I hooked you twice. But with some extra touching. With some scratchies. I love doing scratchies with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some poor nipple scratchies are good. A couple of tickles for the boy. Yeah. You're back from España. Had some family time. How are you feeling? Okay. Yeah. Happy to be back. Are you happy to be back for real? Especially because I saw you guys try to replace me.

We didn't try. We did. We did. We're very successful. We absolutely did. That guy was fantastic. We found a wonder kid, dude. Yeah. He's the best. The big C. Dynamic. The big C, dude. Are you threatened? A little bit. Wow. Well, you didn't edit that episode, did you? No, but George did and you watched it. Did you watch it? I did. You did. I know he watched it like a sick little weirdo. Yeah. He's not as good as me. There is no way he is as good as me.

And he was, wasn't he? He was. Yeah. We flew him across the country just to temporarily replace you, but nobody, nobody, Bad Friends, no one can replace Fancy Beast. We're happy he's back. He's back. Well, so the big seed doesn't really know what food is. I don't think he eats. Yeah, I mean, everything. We brought him to John and Vinny's, right? Yeah. And everything was like, I don't like it. Yeah. Well, the first thing you brought out.

was was it like a burrata or something and he had no fucking idea what that would have ever seen burrata before in his entire life he thought it was a dead ghost yeah Oh, he hated the gem salad. Gem salad tonight. By the way, it's just lettuce. It's a Caesar salad. He hated it. With a little spice in it. So good. Yeah, he didn't like that. And then...

What he did like was the anchovy pizza, which is strange. He loved it. There was no cheese on it, just red sauce and an anchovy stripped across it. And he'd like that. He was like, that one is pretty good. I was like, the fish pizza is good. You don't like any of the other pizza. He didn't like the Cagliatelle. He didn't like the Bronx Bomber. He didn't like the Bronx Bomber, the meat pizza.

real pasta i think no he's never i think it's a little too chewy for him or something he went like this yeah yeah like a horse like trying to get rid of something and then and then the embrace afterwards where it was as if we were never gonna see him again Well, we're probably not. Yeah. No, you know, we do. I will say this. We do really. I don't want to give anything away to the fans. We are.

We do love the big C. We like the big C. We will see him again. I hope so. We love him. Yeah, he is unique. We got to get him some, you know. What? Some action, I think. Wow, wow, wow. Well, I mean, he's 31, 32, and then he hasn't had since Dominican Republican in high school. 13 years. Which I don't even believe. Do you believe that story or no? I don't think he's really had sex. Come on.

of course that's not real he's never had sex he wanted a vivid detail about how it happened how she ran away afterwards and ran into the forest she was able to cut the ropes escaping to the woods and i was chasing her come back here little girl yeah it was a wild story he had an elaborate story because he because he's been broached with this subject many times people have said

You know, he's been around another guy that's like, hey, you know, you working on anybody right now? You got anybody on your roster? No, no, not really. I had sex once in the mini game. I think it's like, it's not like. You know what? Let's not make fun of that. We're not making fun of it. Let's go backwards. I'm proud of him because he's saving himself for real love. That's what he said at dinner. He said he wants to meet real love. I think that's what they all say.

Well, dude. They all say that, right? It's either we take him to John and Vitties or... Oh, that's true. That's true. You won't screw me, Logan! Yeah. It did feel that. Like, we should be extra nice to him. Because we don't know. We don't know. I don't want to read about a Westfield mall in Jersey getting fucking lit up. Oh, my God. That would be the end of our podcast. He's wearing a Bad Friends merch shirt. No, TMZ.

Did you see the mug shots of the guys that robbed the Louvre? No. This is unreal. Look at how hot these guys are. I'll be the judge. Is this a movie? Well, that's Chase Crawford on the left. No, but they're saying he looks... That's him on the right. That guy... Wow. Look at his... I'm hot. Welcome to Hollywood. Yeah. They're going to cast this guy as soon... You know what? Someone...

Someone is going to bust him out of jail and put him in a movie. Yeah. Remember the model? Remember, like, the hot model that we saw in, like, Tubi on, like, black stuff? We should make a movie. I got it. We bust him out? Mangione? Right? Yeah. You know what I mean? The two brothers with the Boston, the young brother from the Boston Marathon, what's his name? Sarnaya. We'll leave that guy in. He's cute, though. I know. Bring him, is he?

Yeah, Jeremy Meeks. He's already an actor now. He's famous, right? He got like famous. Wow. Okay. But go back to the mugshot of the guy that robbed the Louvre. I mean, honestly, though, look at that guy's face. Yeah. That guy's a thief.

yeah look at the neck proportions how easy would it be for this guy to get an older woman who's rich to give him money brother right you don't need to rob yeah you don't this what does it say this is one of the two right that's one of the two what's where's the other guy is the other guy They keep showing him, so obviously the other guy is not. No, he's sexy too. Yeah. Is that Big C? I went to Paris to rob your lobe. I stole Mona Lisa.

Why is that happening? Hot guys doing this. Why are hot guys robbing? Yeah. When you look at Kyle Rittenhouse. Hollywood's dead. You're like, you get it. Right? Yeah. You look at Rittenhouse, you're like, yeah, but when hotties are doing it, what's going on with our world? It's diversity, you know, it's killing that stuff. This is DEI. Right.

DEI is like enough uggos we need to start getting hot guys to rob right this is the this is the fucking this is the lib contingency added again oh my god they're hot so are they in trouble a little bit yeah They used a crane to like... But he didn't kill anybody.

They didn't do it. No, they didn't do it. Oh yeah. That crane company is from Germany. Yeah. Their ads is like, you know, in and out, faster, whatever. Like they're selling through the roof. Well, you might as well market, use the marketing. These guys stole a crane and then they hoisted.

uh the ladder up to the window dude it was in it's in broad daylight i mean it was like in the middle you can see it it's not like it was like hidden and sneaky they just put the crane up to the window walked in and came out and so they they got the merch They got merch. Well, I mean, not merch, but they got, at the loo, what, they got paintings and stuff? What is it? No, just jewels. Jewels. They got jewels. Our Rudy jewels. They stole them. She was in there. Then they got out.

And they escaped. And they escaped. And then they caught him. But some rat. On the run. Somebody ratted him out. Oh, the rat. Who's the rat? Google the rat. Google the rat. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Go back. I'm sorry. I want to see that real fast. It says the heist is valued at 88 million euros. That's 102 million American. Wow.

Eight pieces of historic French jewelry. Fuck the French. Who cares? Yeah. No, we love the French. We love the French. They came this close to getting away. I know. It's amazing. They should have let him go. I would start small if I wanted to rob. What would you rob?

Well, I would start like back, like my high school days, like Kit Kats and you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. And then you would still like, okay, I got away with that. And the next thing you would rob is like shoes from Pay Less Shoes or something. Yeah. Right?

Like, I got loafers. By the way, that's why they went out of business. Oh, yeah, yeah. Everyone stole from that place. Oh, the next one is, you know, if you go to, like, San Francisco, you went to the CVS or everything is locked up now.

You think I went into a CVS in San Francisco? I went from my hotel to the club to the hotel to the club. Oh, I went to a CVS. I did not walk outside. We were both in San Francisco and the CVS, you know how in LA, half the things are locked up at fucking San Francisco CVS, right? It's all. Toothpicks.

Locked up. Well, those are weapons. Yeah. That's how they broke into the Louvre. Yeah. I mean, everything. Yeah, but I will say the city- Bengay locked up. I buy a lot of Bengay, I'll tell you this. It's funny that it's locked up up there. What? Chips. Yeah, it's crazy. And then there's so many of those buttons. Who loves chips? I wonder. All of us. Yeah, all of us. We all love chips. Yeah. And then there's one person, some poor Filipino lady, where you have to... She just happened to be.

but you know you're pressing the button but you have to imagine there's 40 buttons being pressed throughout the fucking she's the key master She's got 50,000 keys around her neck. Just running through the fucking, like, yeah. What about this? Why don't you just get one guy per aisle? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, hey, dude, I'm the fucking, you know what I mean? Deodorant guy.

I'm the cereal boy. Yeah, you'll be cereal, I'll be deodorant. And I have all the deodorant keys. Right? McCone, I don't know what you would do. Okay. What's going on? Are you stunned? What's going on? I thought he was going to tell me what I was going to do. No, he doesn't know. I was giving you the option. I'm the CVS fucking manager. I go, what do you want? What do you want to do? What aisle do you want? I do the condoms.

Oh, fuck. Okay. Give him the condoms. Why? Because you don't use them? Yeah. It'd be fun to monitor that one versus the other ones. Keep an eye. Speaking of McCone and love, I was introduced to a new friend of his recently. It ended later that evening. Never mind. Wait, you found love and then you ended it? Well, we went to the Dodger game.

and uh we afterwards i said hey we're gonna walk down the hill because you can't get a uber i was like we're gonna walk over the hill and probably go to shortstop or grab a beer just hang out and then so we went to little joy and i said come meet us and this guy this is how nervous he was in front of this girl i haven't seen him like this in a long time

I was pretty hammered. And I was just giving him cash, just handing him cash, like get her a drink, go get her food. And he was nervous. I could tell because when he showed up late, I go, where did you go? He was late. He goes, I thought you said little boy. I'm like.

There is no little boy bar. There's no little boy bar, dude. There's little joy. And it's literally across from your house. Wow. You know what I did? What'd you do? On the flight to San Francisco, there was a attendant, a flight attendant. She was beautiful. So I wrote her a letter. Oh, yeah. Restraining order now. No more Delta flight. The guy next to me. Fancy is back. Yeah, I was sitting next to a businessman. I go, excuse me, sir, do you have a pen? He's like, yes, young man, I have a pen.

Gives me the pen. So I take the, you know, the throw-up bag. Barf bag. The barf bag. Barf bag love note. Right. And I wrote this, like, you're so pretty. And, you know, here's my number, this and that. My Instagram, everything. Right? Yeah. Nothing.

Well, did you check your requests and all that stuff? I checked it. I've been checking it for days. But did you get her name? Was her name on her name tag? No. No. So that would have been a... I looked at the phone. You know, when you do DMs, you're not a single guy, but I know. I go through it. You know what I mean? You siphon through all the profile pictures. Nothing. Yeah. And you take a risk like that. But she was so pretty, Andrew.

that I had to take a risk. She must have been a smoke show. She was a smoke show. What airline are we talking? Alaska. Oh no. Was she Alaskan? No, she was just a white girl. She was so attractive. And I thought, you know, she smiled at me and this and that. Listen up, Alaska Airlines. Wait, wait, wait. You didn't talk to her? You just wrote her a letter? That's like high school stuff. Wow.

And I put checkboxes. Do you like me? Yes, sir. No. That doesn't work. Self-sabotage. Yeah. And that thing with the hand thing. I gave her one of those. You go to prom with me. Yeah. Yes, she. Well, Alaska Airlines, this is easily huntable. Anybody out there that works for Alaska, there's a flight out of Burbank that goes to SFO. She didn't find me attractive. Sure she did.

You're very attractive. No, there's lots of rich, famous guys in first class, and Bobby's just one of them. So she has a pick. Oh, that could be it. She's getting a lot of barf bag love notes. Exactly. She got a stack of barf bag love notes at the end. Yeah. I mean, would you take a risk like that or no? No, because I feel like you'd be called like lame or something in a group text after. Oh, so what? You're departing the plane. There's no time to talk.

They're at work. It's not time to talk to girls. So you can never see her again? No. You think that never happens? I don't want to be a part of that. You're not interested. No, I don't want, like, to be made fun of in public or someone, like, film me, like, look at this guy asking this girl out. I'm afraid. You don't want to end up on a TikTok. Yeah, that's scary. Okay, so I'm a flight attendant. Exactly. Get ready with me while I talk about a Creep McGreep. And then they do a breakdown of it.

Yeah, I know that I've seen, I've watched, I've literally, there's flight attendants who do TikToks and I see them sometimes and they talk about passengers. Oh, she could TikTok my fucking barf now. Oh yeah. Oh my God, that'd be so embarrassing. But you didn't say anything, all you said was, yeah, I find you attractive. Uh-oh. Oh, what did you say? I drew a very detailed, you know what I mean? Swastika? No, of my penis. No. No, so here, cause

15 years ago, I was, I don't know what airport I was in, but I was sitting there and this lovely lady sat next to me. And I think this is before I met Kalilah. And we had a conversation and she was very pretty. yeah and very nice and i never got her information i always felt i think about that and then sometimes you know you'll run through the airport you'll just see some of you guys you'll lock eyes with a girl a little smile and you're like oh that's a missed opportunity

And so from now on, I don't want to miss those opportunities. If I, if I feel like. That's cool. Take them. Shoot that shot. What? You're smiling. I don't like it. Well, I'm just saying. without your glasses that you don't have right like you don't see that well like two feet apart so i don't know if those smiles that you see are directed at you you know or you're imagining them

You do have tremendously dogshed vision. You think everyone's smiling at you. Everywhere Bobby goes. Dude, that made me so angry. It makes me so angry. I don't know what it is. I mean, welcome back, but I don't know, dude, you know? That was a good one. Why don't you look up Missed Connections? Because I guarantee you there's a Missed Connections website.

You know, is that Craigslist that does it? Yeah. Starbucks in Santa Monica. Let's zoom in. I am the Asian female that was hesitant, but talked briefly over coffee about a month ago. If around and still interested, let's have coffee again. This is like wildly sad. It's beautiful, but sad as fuck. This is what I'm talking about. This is why you have to seize the moment. You know what I mean? And maybe I am blind and I can't see the smile. Okay.

But it doesn't matter because maybe one of them are a smile. Looking for Sarah from Pasadena, I think. We should respond to some of these. We should just be Sarah. Look, you gotta shoot your shot. yeah you're single and free you got to keep shooting your shot until you find love and it's out there yeah could it be on alaska airlines maybe this guy needs to apologize asking the italian girl of my dreams for an opportunity to apologize in lancaster my only sin was to love you too much

I miss how it used to be. You're never alone. I'll always be there if you need me. I still love you. Oh, my God. These are so heartbreaking. Well, it's even sadder. It's that it's on Craigslist. Do people use Craigslist heavily now? I don't think anybody uses that anymore. Facebook Marketplace took it over. That's exactly what it is. I think there's a lot of love loss and misconnections in this world right now. Well, how do we mend that? How do we mend it?

I don't know. I'll tell you where there's a lot of love. San Francisco. Holy fuck, man. Those gays go fucking bananas. They have the most fun. I got hit on a bunch. I got hit on that one time while I was there. By a gay and I was out.

You got no guys? I get no gay love, no. I sit up at the bar to have dinner and I'm- Oh yeah, I didn't go to any bars. No, at dinner. I had dinner at the restaurant. I mean, the hotel bar. There's another thing that happened. I have a couple of things that happened, but another thing that happened was I get a text from- some random number saying hey can you speak at my meeting that's cool right so i go i didn't ignored it and then you know i mean he was kind of con you know persistent so i said

okay i'll do it you know and so i show up and so there's this one guy in in the program he's a the biggest rock star right and he's a guy that i've met for the last 20 years. He has no idea who I am. It's almost, you know how you meet somebody and they act as if they've never met you before? You've met a bunch? Yeah, I mean, I've been introduced to him, but it just, I mean, he's an older rock legend.

Okay. And so now I'm speaking at this meeting and he's sitting there with his wife in the second row. He's never seen me talk really. And I have a 30 minutes. I'm the main speaker. Right. And so I'm like, all right, I'm going to, you know. You doing some time? But you know, I was like, I gotta hit this. Yeah. What's your opener? My opener? It's getting so cheesy. I can't. Please. I don't wanna do it! Because here's the thing is that I have to- For the fans. I will. So what you're doing is-

It's not just you can't go up there because there's this other comic that spoke once and he did his act literally. You know what I mean? He did his stand up and he lost the room. Half the people walked out. and people you know a lot of people know i'm a comedian so it's like you can't go in like and try to be funny right so you start with real so yeah so i said i said i just first thing is i say you know

I have to say that AA is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. True. And when I was 17 years old, I luckily got a spiritual aching or psychic change. you know and um and then move on from there you know me about helping others and this and that right and but then i go into i know my my my you know pitch is it i can get funny

You can talk about my parents and stuff, right? So I do start doing acts, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? And I'm doing it, and I'm doing pretty good. It's like 350 people there, 300 people.

It's a big AA meeting. I look over and the guy's... Oh, he's... He's dead? He looked like he was dead. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, oh. He didn't hear a word you said. Yeah. But anyway... yeah he but you know i um my fantasy would be you know i mean you know come over to my house you know i mean come over yeah to the house yeah and then he you know and then it's like you know

Here's an original sign, you know, whatever. I don't know. Thank you. Thank you. You know, I want to have that moment of like you, like you and Taylor Swift. You know, like he says something funny and I'm like... Very funny. I want that photo. Everybody wants that photo, right? Of just you and Obama or somebody.

You had a redemption with another rock legend the other night at the Comedy Store. Oh, that's right. I had another redemption. Who? I think I could say it. Kiedis? Kiedis. You redeemed yourself with Anthony? Yeah. Like now you're back in his good graces? Yeah. Did you speak to him for a while? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And? It was magical. Give you a second copy of something? No. But I almost went like this.

Almost. You think that's good? Dominoes! Hey, man. You know what, dude? What, baby? I love two things in life. Let me guess. Specialty things? And pizzas, right? I knew it. What did Domino's do? Do they do specialty pizzas? They do both. Are you serious? A combo, dude. And check it out, dude. What? Look at this red box here. Delicious? You eat a box? You know what it is? What?

Extravaganza! Is that an extravaganza? It's an extravaganza. I already took a bite here. I already had a piece, but I'm gonna have another bite. Of this extravaganza. This extravaganza! A super loaded deluxe pizza with pepperoni, ham, Italian sausage, beef, fresh onions, fresh green peppers, fresh mushrooms, black olives, all sandwiched between two layers of provolone and cheese made with 100% real mozzarella. I'm drooling right now.

I'm grueling. I got a couple of really good pizzas on my table right now, and this one especially. Is that what I think it is? That is the spicy chicken and bacon ranch. Ladies and gents, this thing is phenomenal. I love jalapenos.

especially because I like a little spice and a kick, and they drizzle with a little buffalo sauce. Of course, it's made with 100% real mozzarella. And in here, they got that grilled chicken breast, smoked bacon, and jalapenos, probably one of my favorite combinations of food layered on delicious crispy crust.

Ooh, Domino's. You know, they have other ones. You know, Wisconsin. Oh, oh, my God. They have the Wisconsin. Come on with the Wisconsin one. They got the six cheese, the Wisconsin six cheese, and also your favorite city, Memphis, Memphis barbecue chicken. Whoa.

And, hey, wakalakaliki, dude. Wakalakaliki, makikimuku. You know what we got? We got Honolulu Hawaiian, bro. Honolulu Hawaiian is up there as well. And Pacific Veggie, dude. They got so many different kinds of dominoes now between the spinach and feta, the extravaganza, the mitzah. They also got...

Yo, Philly cheesesteak, dude. Yeah, yeah. Yo, use over there. Go get a Philly hoagie cheesesteak. They got the Philly cheesesteak pizza. Delicious. So, if you're at home and you're hungry, get yourself some Domino's. Doop.com. Did you know there's a website that shows you identical versions of expensive products for way less? It's called, my friend.

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It's Men's Health Awareness Month and Talkspace wants to know how you feel. Guys, this November, prioritize your health by prioritizing your mental health with Talkspace. Can I talk to you? Please. Yeah. Every Thursday, you know. we have the schedule on my therapy you always go to therapy without places like talk space i'm not i'm a goner yeah yeah yeah i think it's very important it's extremely important

like therapy can be costly by the way it can be and thank god for talk space it's affordable and in network with most insurance providers and we are a big proponent of talking to someone on this show and talk space therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans like i said and you can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed therapist who's going to fit your

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Yeah, that's right. You can even talk it out between sessions by sending text, video or audio messages to your therapist. There's more to Men's Health Awareness Month than just mustaches. Talkspace is here to help you with therapy on your terms. As a listener of this podcast, you're going to get 80. off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash badfriends and enter the promo code SPACE80. That's SPACE80. S-P-A-C-E-8-0. To match up the licensed therapist today.

Go, go over to talkspace.com slash bad friends and enter the promo code space 80. And you have a new movie coming out. All I get the tick tock is all his movie. What movie? The magic movie. Every other ad is the magic movie that you're in. In the movie. Yeah, you are in the magic movie. I'm in one scene. You're in the movie. And then you disappear. You're on fire. He's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm in one fucking scene. It doesn't matter. You're in the movie. And whenever I see that, I go, my boy's in this. I'm so proud of him. Shut up. I mean, really, I'm real. That's good. Elite stuff. You know how little movies are being made, right? And for a... Somebody in our ecosystem, a stand-up, you know what I mean? An actor that gets into anything is a big deal. Let's have a... Come on, man. Thanks, man. Step into your glory, dude. What happens in it?

What do you think? In the movie? Yeah. Now you see me. Yeah. And now you don't. I pop in and I pop around. Are you a patron? What is it? I mean, you can send an NDA. You can talk about your role. Well, I'm in the crowd and I'm yelling at I'm yelling at them on stage. They're all on stage. Eisenberg. Woody. Woody and Isla Fisher. Morgan Freeman? No, Morgan's not there. Yeah, yeah. And Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher. Yeah. Woody was...

Well, talk to me about, can I add? Woody, the coolest thing was meeting Woody. I was fascinated. I wanted to meet him so good. Did he know who you were? No, no, no, no. No, but the director introduced me. He's like, oh, he's a comedian. Woody's like, I love comedians. And he's like, he does a podcast. And he's like.

I have a podcast. I was like, yeah. And then he was like. Did you say that your podcast does better numbers? Than his? Yeah. I mean, does it? I checked on YouTube. Does it? No, I didn't look it up. I actually have no idea. Does he have a pod or is he just starting it?

but he was just talking about the world he's fascinating oh yeah him and him and um him and ten dancing yeah yeah yeah yeah um i don't know rad dude very nice guy i'm i'm more broken up right now because uh my boy got his title stripped away My good friend. Good of you. Prince Andrew.

Good one. They took it away, man. Good one. Let's go back to the movie now. That was a really good deflection. Oh, I can't do jokes? No, but I see what you're trying to do. You want to go this way. No, I have nothing to say about the movie. It was fun. I mean, I'm in one...

quick scene it was awesome i mean it was a budapest we talked about we talked about going to budapest it was great i'm gonna see it i'm gonna i hope it's good yeah i don't know i know nothing this is one of those things where you touch it and you leave i don't i have no idea i get in there and then they're like thank you goodbye

Although Budapest film crew, probably the best film crew I've ever worked with. No, I'm not kidding. No, I know I did it. Shocking. They're amazing. They're so fucking good. They're so great. They're on top of everything. And you're like, oh, I don't need that. Hot too, some of them.

yeah some even some of the girls too but it was they were really no it was a great time but yes i'm gonna go see the beautiful architecture i hope people go see it some of it half the city is yeah the other half is in ruins it's in ruins yeah but um i'm more concerned about all these japanese bears getting loose i was thinking about you the other day i wanted to call you yeah i've been seeing that they're overtaking japan yeah brack bear everywhere that's the headline i wonder why

Because they're not having as many children. Now, I think they're overpopulating because they're not being controlled. There's no hunters. So I think they're inviting hunters to come help. Why kill them? Because they're killing people. I know, but can you gather them up and then put them in an area, a fenced area where this is black country, black bear country? This is Baltimore. This is Baltimore.

Well, I'm just saying, like, create a town, you know what I mean? A town for black bears. All the black bears go there, and you stay there. Yeah, don't drink out of the white bear fountain.

according to the japan times 12 people have been killed more than 100 others are injured nationwide just this year alone wow it's pretty crazy yeah whoa that black black bears are gnarly look at that they're getting more aggressive yeah like i apparently they're they're showing up and like trying to get into people's houses

it's fucking rad japan's hunter population has been shrinking people don't hunt 60 of licensed hunters now are over 60 so there's no kids are doing it well yeah i would just gather them up And bring them somewhere. There's other islands around, right? You can put them on boats. Yeah, put them on boats and bring them. Not Okinawa, that's pretty populated.

Yeah, put them on boats. We can call it Amistad, whatever you want to do. However you want to do it. No. uh put them down to yeah okinawa is they already did that once okinawa you know what i mean yeah but there's probably other islands around japan where they can you know i mean put the bears in cage okay so you think i don't killing animals is not my thing

Yeah, but if they're killing people, you gotta protect your population. Oh yeah, we have guns, so I guess. We have guns, none of these guys have guns. I mean, they do have guns in Japan, but not like this. Wow, they're pretty big. And they're mauling people, huh? And they don't look Japanese at all. Yeah. I thought they'd look a little bit more Japanese. Well, why can't they just get their guy to do it? Who's that? Who's their prime minister or whatever? No. Huh.

Godzilla. Release Godzilla, dude. Godzilla would fuck that thing up, no? We call on you to help us, Godzilla. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Mothra. I mean, you know, Mothra can pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck. How many bears? I have a stuttering problem. AI, how many bears can? how many bears versus godzilla how many bears would it take for godzilla yeah i wonder with it i wonder what the scale would be no number of normal size bears can take out godzilla see you're right yeah he could wipe out

Probably a million of them. Well, let's reenact. Yeah. Let's get him out here. Or Mothra would be easier because Mothra can fly and just pluck them from the ground. Yeah, pick them out of the sky and throw them in the ocean. And throw them in the ocean. Yeah, that's actually very smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or something, you know. Well, get on it, Japan. What are you guys fucking waiting for? Yeah, yeah.

Don't cage those Mothra. They got to be released. Little tiny Japanese girls. When's the last time we saw Mothra? He's been out. I think he had an injury. He had an MCL tear or something. He's been out. He's on injured reserve. I want to bring Yamamoto and Otani and the baseball bats over there. Congratulations to the Dodgers. Oh, yeah, the Dodgers. You're wearing your Dodgers hat today. Go you. It's heartbreaking to see Blue Jays fans, though. I just feel so bad for them. Nope. Why? You.

S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A. Don't fuck with us, Canada. I know, but, you know, they were leading for most of the game. Yeah, they blew it. They're in home turf. They blew it. And you could just see them just not being able to get it over the line. I actually loved it, dude. I loved it, dude. It was fucking great. Yeah. Yeah, it was kind of wild to watch. Especially because I was in San Francisco when they won and SF fucking hates the Dodgers. They were so mad.

Tuesday, this guy came up to me. He goes, hey, I'm friends with Theo. I go, okay. And he goes, I'm the new manager of the Giants. The team manager? Yeah. I just got hired. This is my first year. I'm starting work. next week or something but i wanted to starting work next week i don't know what it was that's not how they talk yeah that's but that is give me the name tony tony vitello came to my show tuesday seriously yeah with this girl wow yeah super nice

I mean, I didn't do that well, but yeah, Tony Vitale came. Really nice guy. That's fucking rad. Yeah. I mean, still Taylor Swift, but you know. That's the manager of a bad sports team. Not bad. Are they bad? No, they're okay. They're fine. is he it's new i mean i told him i go you have a shot right you can he's a manager you can rearrange yeah they don't have control it's baseball's money

The Dodgers have all the fucking money. Soccer's the same way. Isn't soccer the exact same way? I don't know. There's no cap on soccer, right? Yeah. Do you guys have a salary cap? No. So it's the same thing. So why are the best teams the best consistently? They have the most money. Yeah.

If there's no salary cap, that's why people hate the Dodgers. The Dodgers spent the most fucking money. But 12 years ago, Leicester City won the Premier League, right? Yeah. And they were the worst team. They have no money, right? Yeah. They had no... They came from the championship straight to the Premier League. No star. They had Jamie Vardy, which is the one guy.

I've seen that name. I know that. Yeah, and they won the Premier League. That doesn't happen in America because of the refs. And we have teams like Manchester City. and chelsea roman and bravovich owns chelsea he's like an oil baron from russia i mean they have all the money in the world and leicester still won my point being is is that you can still be a thrifty manager and look at stats and go you know i mean this kid

I know he isn't a household name or, you know what I mean? But I think he's perfect. You know what I mean? No, I know what you're saying. I think that may happen in soccer, in baseball, unfortunately, now. There was a guy, Billy Bean, for the Oakland A's, and he kind of revolutionized. You never see Moneyball? No.

With Jonah Hill and Brad Pitt. You didn't see that movie. It was fucking phenomenal. It's great. But it was about the story of this and what you're saying. He kind of like an iconic manager who literally. kind of revolutionized the way you could pick players and get them young. But it's a big money game now. It's all bullshit. It's all money game. That's why those guys really hate the Dodgers. They got the most fucking money.

And I get it. It was like for years as a kid, the Yankees for me. It was always the Yankees. I was always like, the Yankees are unstoppable. Oh my God. $350 million. But this summer, what Arsenal did was, if I can talk soccer for a second. I'd love it.

um and wait let me ask you a real question so leicester city is that what you said yeah so some of the players are they from the area as well so they have pride and local so so this is the thing that we don't do anymore either right yeah so most of these kids are fucking from elsewhere and you just

play with the team that you play with. The cool thing about soccer that I love is that you see these local guys play for their squad. Their city, there's like pride. We also have a youth program and Bakayo Saka, Ethan Waniere. Some of these players are... Louis Skelly. They're all... Louis Skelly's 18, and he's in the main team. He plays with the... Main team in the Arsenal. Wanieri is...

18, 19 plays, and they're all from Hell End. They're all from the Academy. And our big star, Bokai Osaka, is from the Academy as well. So it's like they've been there as kids. Right, that's right. Yeah, there's pride. There's semblance of pride. We don't have that. I'm jealous of that. You used to have a player when I was a kid, like, you know, Jordan was Chicago to us. He stayed in Chicago.

Right. Like some, there used to be kind of a vibe. Like you, you stay there as long as you could. Now these guys don't give a fuck. They're going to go wherever they're going to go. Whoever's got the best check. And that's how it goes. That's sad. Well, that's just the, that's, but the business did that. These guys don't really have, it's.

almost like you're putting a position when the Dodgers called Shohei and they gave him $700 million. Yeah. I mean, how else is he going to pay for those gambling? Let me ask you a question. So this summer, um, Arsenal FC. So Liverpool, right, spent so much money. They got this guy, Isak, and all these guys, and they spent $150 million per player. Isak cost $100 million.

Over 100 million pounds. Jesus Christ. But what Arteta did was he bought people from leagues that people were like teams that were like people were like this summer like. 30 million for that guy? Who is this guy? Like, we bought a defender named Mascara. No one had really heard of him. But he knew. But he knows that he would fit right into the team. And so now Arsenal has... a backup for every position that's just as good.

Whereas Liverpool spent two or three millions of dollars on two, three, four players. They don't have the backup. You know what I mean? And it's about stats and about like, I mean, what's going to work in our system. You know? Right. No, I think it's fascinating. But I don't know much about baseball. So you're saying that baseball, there's no... So the Dodgers doesn't have like a youth program. Well, they have a farm system, right? You have a farm league. Like you have AAA. You do have a system.

But these guys are quick to get rid of them and trade them, especially if they can't afford them. But you don't have scouts? They do. They do, they do. For kids? Oh yeah, they scout.

12-year-old. Oh, yeah. They scout middle school and high school. Then you bring them to the Dodgers Youth Academy. Do they have that? Yeah, they do have training facilities. And then you guys live here. But most of the time, do you go to school here? Yeah. That's more a non-American thing. The NBA just started that in India not long ago. Yeah. In India. Yeah, because they're looking for the next seven footer. I want to play basketball, man! I want to hoop!

Why won't you let me play? Yeah, yeah. Listen, Ranjit, you're five foot seven. I can be a stander? Why can't I be a starting center? It is fucking funny that we all, we do, the NBA, the NBA has so much. money overseas because like guys like Steph Curry he's probably bigger in China than he is I mean he's huge he's a global superstar but like overseas there's so much money in the NBA overseas because Asian kids fucking love the NBA we can't sell the NFL to almost anybody

But the NBA, you can sell to fucking everybody. Everybody loves it. I mean, those guys go to China. They do like a, like Steph and those guys, they'll go do like a summer camp in China and make like $30 million for like a weekend at camp. Just because he's, you know.

They're massive overseas. I mean, big here, but still. Can I ask you another question about sports? LeBron James. Did I ever tell you that story? When I was on a boat. You met him? No, no, I was on a boat in Europe and the guy's like, you know LeBron James? I was like, yeah, he goes. He will stay there when he come here, that place. He will stay. I was like, is he there now? He goes, no, but we will watch.

I guess he stays at the same mansion. They're like, LeBron James. This is LeBron James. Wow, wow, wow. What did you ask me? About basketball? No, I want to talk about, because now I'm really kind of getting into baseball a little bit this year. Love. Yeah. I had no idea why it would be exciting. But now, you know, watching the World Series and the playoffs and stuff, I get it. It's a nerd game. But I don't get football.

I don't expect American football. And I want you to convince me that it's good. Why is it good? Well, you know, baseball is my number one. So I can't. I agree with you. But baseball is like soccer. And the fact that like these are all.

This is all chess moves. Soccer's coordinated chess moves. Baseball is calculated statistical moves. Trying to advance players in different positions, the likelihood of scoring, of positioning. Football is that too. It's fucking awesome. But you like it because you like... You like these little technical moves, and I think that's what you like. Football is more like pure, raw, athletic strength and talent and ability going at each other at full speed as hard as you can.

Of course, there's strategy to it. It's hard. I don't know. Selling you on football is tough. You don't like violent sports at all. I do. UFC, I was a big fan of it. But you know what show that I've been watching on Netflix? I command everyone in this room to watch it. There's a show called Physical 100. Bring it up. But it's Asia, right? Oh, I'm out. so it's basically um so it was a Korean yeah so that's the Philippine team that's Manny Pacquiao yes so like

It's Australia, Indonesia, Korea, Japan, Turkey, right? Look at the tits on that guy. Yeah, Turkey, Thailand, and they're all competing. Right. Are the Thailand a bunch of ladyboys? No, but I think Indonesia or Thailand does have a ladyboy on it. It should. Cool. But it's, but the Philippines are making me laugh.

Why? Because, man, he's so small. He's so tiny. You know what I mean? What is the competition? What do they do? Well, there's only four episodes right now, but it's basically the first one was they have these four...

circular platforms, right? And there's, I think, eight countries, right? Okay. And each... So they basically... there's a gigantic circle and in the middle of this dirt mount is gigantic circle see if you can see these he's bringing it up right now yeah trailer this is the trailer for it yeah yeah but it's not it's not show because they're going to show the whole thing show oh yeah so you can see the circular

thing right there right right right okay so you have eight countries and you have to dominate a circle wow so the most people on the circle right right if you have like It's King of the Hill. King of the Hill, but it's like, how many others? One, two, three. I think there's five. This is rad. Right? But it's like when you're watching the first round, you can see Manny Paco just flying through the screen.

Yeah. It's pretty brutal. Can they punch? You can't punch, but it gets pretty scrappy, dude. It's a really fun- You can choke, you can hold down. It's a fun show to watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in. I'm already in. This is fantastic. But there's some countries that, I mean- that would just not like us we would just well yeah that's why they don't want us a part of this shit we'd we'd get the most lunatic yeah out of our mind guys ex-military like just ready to fucking kill at will

But every team has famous people on it. So the Australian team has Robert Whitaker. He's one of the best UFC fighters. You know Whitaker. And then... That's fucking Mongolia. They're badass. And look at Genghis Khan. We call him Genghis Khan in the middle. They have Genghis in there, dude. Look at him. But it's a really fun show. Physical 100. Yeah, Physical 100 Asia.

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World Report 2023. Time checking account required. I don't know, dude. To get you into football, honestly, though, we'd have to embed you with a team and your team left your city and came here, which is, you're here now. Yeah, the Chargers, yeah. Well, maybe you could be a Chargers fan. For Tottenham, for you. Oof.

Ooh, something came out? Yeah. Oh, that's a tonsil stone. Yeah. No, don't put it in the art. Yeah, I like to ferment it. There's a lot of things. I had a zimping burp. That was a tonsil stone. Yeah. Do you get those all the time? It's not a tonsil stone, dude. It's soft. Look. Okay. All right. It looks like it. It does look exactly like a tonsil stone. All hard deposit. Okay. That's what I thought it was. What?

Tonsil stones. It's just debris that gets stuck in those little hangy things in the back of your mouth. Did it smell your finger? Does it smell? Yeah, it smells like what I ate. It was a crab. It was a crab? It's a crab. Oh, it's a piece of a crab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome back, fancy.

No big deal. No big deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went there. I went to the fucking crab place last night, and it fucked me up, bro. What do you mean? The bowling crab. Oh, yeah. It's too much sodium. I can't do it. It's too much. i just don't like mass amounts of seafood yeah and then you got to get the potatoes and the carrots with it but it's like and then if you go medium like who when did fire become a flavor an element should not be

I don't ever want to eat a sandwich and go, this is earthy, right? Have you tried our new wind burger? Yeah, wind burger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's delicious. When did fire, who likes it? You get fire. You know what I mean? I agree. I hate the taste. Like when they do, it's a smoky thing. I don't want smoke. Smoke tastes like you burnt it. Yeah. I don't want smoky anything. Yeah. They do that a lot with drinks now too. They smoke on top of a cocktail. I don't want the smoke.

yeah or you go to an omakasa place right they take they slice tuna or whatever they put it you're right on a wooden plate, but then they put a thing over it. Yeah. And they stick smoke in it. Like cedar wood. I don't like that. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't like that. I totally agree. I fucking hate that flavor. I don't know why they do that. Somebody, it's a culinary thing. It's got to be like a cool.

fancy culinary thing and then that's that makes that in the community that makes it good or don't put fucking you know I mean um caviar on top of salmon Now the mom and the fucking kids? I don't eat the mom and the kids. You've never had chicken and eggs? I refuse. It's a combination I can't do. No, I'll do it. Chicken and eggs? It's mom and...

Baby. Yeah, the family's all together. We'll get grandpa in there then, Dan. Might as well. Yeah. I'll take a ground patty of meat with a full-grown cow, and then it's mixed with... A baby calf, you know? Why not? What's it called again? What's wrong? Veal. Veal is delicious. I can't do baby anything. So you want them full grown before you eat them? Well, I'll be honest with you.

There's been a lot of guilt now as of late of eating meat. Why? My TikTok algorithms. Oh. Oh, LibTalk. He's on LibTalk. I'm on LibTalk, dude. We lost him to LibTalk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, people just raising cows and the cows cuddling with their owners. Right. You've never seen that? No, I mean, I've seen, yeah. They kiss on the lips. I love it. Well, then you need to move to India. Like this. They worship the cow. Like this. This is like...

Look at that. How many smash burgers could you make out of that? A lot. Yeah, we could make a lot out of that. Look at that. Yeah. Those are free-range happy cows. Yeah. You don't feel guilt? No. Because they're sentient beings. Like the other day, I went to your house, saw your dog. Yeah. Right? Yeah. They have the same human connection. There's not enough meat on her though. I know. She's tiny. That's why I have a tiny dog. Brad Williams would be full.

I know what you're saying. I get it, dude. I have this, I've had this moral dilemma before in my mind, but also I really love red meat. I like it so much. I do too, but it's like, you know what? I can't wait until let's like grow it.

well they're working they're doing that now what do you mean we have that yeah but get to a point where it's like tasting good yeah get to it doesn't taste like shit yeah like accessible but it's all we're all in beta with all this stuff like this fucking home robot they're pushing out you know this oh yeah that thing That thing looks like shit. Do you know what they need to do? A guy to control it. Yes! Yeah, it's insane. Why don't the guy controlling just do it? I know. This is very dumb.

A guy has to control that fucker. And they want 20K for this thing? Is that how much it is? Yeah. The dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. I was thinking about getting one. I know. You know, I love Roman. You have to wait for Optimus. Yeah. I'm going to wait until that improves, though. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Bobby, would you like me to clean up the cat poop today again? Yeah. I don't want to keep asking, Neo. I think it's the dumbest. I watched the video of it. You know what it did that blew my mind? in that one promo video it does this it like wakes up he's like neo load the dishwasher and then it goes like this and it looks at its hands and that made me go

Fuck. Because that's what I do. If I'm like fucked up on drugs, I always looked at my hands. I look at my hands too. Yeah, because you're like, oh, where am I? Is this mine? Imagine sleeping and then that's, wake up. Look at that. Dio, what the fuck? I need you to wake up. Also, put a mouth on it. Yeah. I mean, you did the eyes. How hard is it? Just put a mouth. Let me get a little bit of morning head. We are literally three years away from these things also being just sex dolls. It's like...

The neo-programmers are like, look, sir, they're doing no chores all day long. They've loaded not one dishwasher. We're 10 years away from probably 20% of the households having something like that in the house. How many people have a Google device where you can talk to it and it can play music? How many have like Alexa or whatever? Yeah. You do? You do? I do, yeah. Yeah. Three out of five. 10 years ago, you were like, what are you talking about? 15 years ago.

but now in the future everything's going to be automated you're going to talk to the microwave you're going to be like get the food from the fridge talk to each other and then put it in there and heat it up yeah and by the way yeah gonna be rad fancy went home to spain to go see family

You were gone for what? Two and a half weeks? Yeah, exactly. Two and a half weeks. Yeah, because I miss you every day. I have it on my calendar. Fancy gone, fancy gone, fancy gone, fancy gone. We did miss you like crazy. I texted you a few times just that much. I'm missing seeing you. i finally joined um bobby's club what is that oh yeah it's a tough one man yeah it's i still um at times i just think about them you know

It's so surreal that they're no longer with us. Yeah. The worst thing was the bureaucracy of death. The bureaucracy of death. Yes. That's interesting. It's a great band. Yeah. It really is. It's a great bureaucracy of death. So much stuff.

there's so much bullshit that comes along with that oh yeah yeah and it's also a racket is what you're like the amount of money that happens when people die the amount of it's just it's fucking it's a racket it's crazy birth wedding death the three best best businesses you can get into Because it will never go away. If you want the most secure job in the world, do births, weddings, and deaths. You will never not have work forever.

and they can and they fuck people over they rip them off oh yeah everything was like that like my dad wanted to be cremated like like yours and we have to still pick a um coffin wait why Exactly. That's why I asked. Well, because that's how it is. They're not going to create it by itself. So you have to.

buy and they show you you don't know the prices it's like how long is it gonna be there like just to go through the thing wow so so basically they're like you have to pay for the coffin for them to be in it while they while they burn it right god that's fucking crazy But everything was like that. Insane. Yeah. And do you have the ashes? Yeah, I do. Do you want to mix ashes with me?

It's not a bad option. Yeah. I still have mine. Let's mix it. Let's see what happens. You get a Spanish-Korean goat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would happen? What would happen if you made their souls? Yeah, they probably they would just bump into each other. They don't even know each other to be freaky. Yeah, merge in the afternoon.

Where would you love to spread your dad's ashes? Some place in Italy, you know, a place he loves. My dad was an art history professor or something in that world. That's fucking cruel. Like anything Italian, like over an olive garden? Can we do that? Go back to John and Vinny's if you got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could sprinkle your dad over the gem salad. My budget is tight, so yeah, maybe. Do you want to be burned? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, my grandfather, who was like my literal hero.

I've talked about on the show. He always, he always was like, land is for the living. He would go past cemeteries. He'd be like, this is fucking bullshit. It's a bullshit way. It's like, you don't need to, no one is immortal. Land is for the living. Get out of here. Let the next people have the land. Why do you have to plot land and be like- I mean, I grew up like having to go to the cemetery and like, you know, people like, it's a little surreal, like cleaning the- Oh yeah.

Now, did some people have a stone? They have a tombstone. Does he have one? No, no, no. My dad didn't want any of that. Your dad's the fucking man. I'm going to go old school. Barry. Barry, yeah. Right? Just in case. Just in case it's like, what if McCone wants to visit me? No, no, but here's what you do. You take the ashes, you spread them in a place that means meaningful to you that you can visit often.

And then you see them all the time. But your little tidbits and ashy bits are all over the fucking place. What I'm saying is that my body will be in a place. Your body will be gone. It'll be gone before you even, before anyone, it's gone. You're not there anymore. You'll rot through the coffin. You'll rot to the coffin. The bugs and the things will get in there. They eat you. It dissipates into almost nothing. There'll be nothing left. Kind of so depressing.

I think it'd be cool to be buried just no coffin and actually just decompose in the earth. Well, they do that, dude. They do those raps. They're called like eternal... What are they called? Tree ones. I would do a tree one, yeah. The famous actor did it. There was a famous actor that did that, right? Or he said...

cause he got cancer that he wanted to do it, but it's like an eternal, they wrap you in this biodegradable thing and you kind of go back into the earth and it's all, that's fucking rad. That to me is very cool. Yeah. Just burying a body is illegal. Yeah. Wait a minute. Seriously? Like a felony? I mean, if you die, you can't just bury McCone in your backyard. I'll be right back. Oh, dude, speaking of that, this is fucking crazy. They just found in Vegas. Did you see that?

200 plus bodies or something buried in Vegas. Like a casino. Yeah, a casino. I know. They finally found... Wow. They finally found... What was it? A funeral home? It was a funeral home that did it. Now they're pinning it on a funeral home. A funeral home recovers 300 plus piles of human remains outside Las Vegas. What do you mean? A funeral home took the bodies and buried it? No, they're... What do you mean?

There's a federal investigation into who dumped more than 300 piles of human remains. They think a funeral home did it. But why would they do that? It's probably cheaper than paying for the... Because there's got to be some sort of... I bet you it's expensive to remove human remains. There's probably a fee. And they were like, fuck this. We'll just throw it in the desert. I'm guessing. Wow.

Bureau of Land Management officially confirmed piles were human remains. The department was actively investigating cremains. So they were all cremated, cremated bodies. Well, then what's 315 piles of dead bodies. Wow. That's so many. Yeah. There are rules to, you know, and. In order to spread the ashes, you know, you want to do it in the ocean. You have to be, I don't know how many kilometers in. You cannot just do it. Right.

You can scatter. You're on your own property, obviously, of course. Public land, the rules may vary by the location. National parks, you have to get a special use permit. Who do you think is buried in a national park? Got to be Roosevelt, right?

I mean, wouldn't that make the most sense? Oceans and waterways. But you can spread ashes sneakily. A lot of people do that. Yeah. People do it all the time. Well, people do, you know, people do a lot. I've heard this, that people go to like, when they go to baseball games or soccer pitches or something that means a lot to them, they carry a little bag and they spread it out there.

Oh, cool. That I think you would fucking know. The Emirates, yeah. What is that? Someone's mom from Bad Friends Live. That what? Are you being serious? Yeah, it's Luke's mom. This is from- Oh, this from London? No, no. It was from- I believe Pittsburgh. I can't believe we still have that.

Yeah, we've had it for two years here. We don't know what to do with them. This is meaningful to him. Well, let's combine Luke's mom, your dad, and your dad. Yeah, that's what happened. What if Luke's mom's hot? Yeah. You're dwelt your dads would be like, fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah, very good.

Yeah, yeah. Let's mix them, dude. I see bone. Do you have some? Do you just have some of your dad? He's not. Here in LA. He's not going to mix. He's not going to do it? Why? I just think we should. I mean, I guess did Koreans and Spanish always get along? I think my dad and your dad would get along. Koreans are a little abusive, so I don't know. A little. Holy shit. Well, look at that.

Modern relations between South Korea and Spaniards are very good, characterized by increasing cooperation and cultural exchange. Historically, Spanish missionaries who first encountered Koreans described them as peaceful, intelligent, though a long period of limited interaction followed.

Once they saw him once, they were like, they're very nice. Like, you're going to go back? No chance. Both countries have since forged a modern strategic partnership based on shared values like democracy and have experienced similar histories of civil war and subsequent rapid economic growth. That is pretty fucking interesting.

I mean, it is kind of wild to think about the spreading of the ashes and what does that do for the area that they're spread in. Like when you go back to the East Coast and you're in some old creepy fucking, you're like, it's got to be buried. I think haunted shit is only because they buried stuff beneath it.

Like when you're on native land, it's because they buried on native land. And when they're like, yeah, that area is haunted. I'm always like, well, they're under there. You know? I also saw... Talk about country relations. I saw this thing this morning on the way to the airport about Finland in the Finland open prison program.

These guys get to like come and go as they please. Yeah, they have cars. It's fucking unreal. They have cars. This guy was working out and then he went to work. He went to a cold plunge. Yeah, I saw that. This guy. This guy, yeah. I murdered somebody. Look at me.

He is in there for murder, for murder one. Yeah. And he's like joking on, he goes to a garden, he's like picking flat. It's pretty, it's wild. Yeah. I mean, the idea in Europe is that, you know, prison is a place to rehab. Rehabilitate. Yeah. It's something that Americans do not. believe in no no but do you believe in it as a european i think so yes i think it's a i think some people yeah i mean obviously there is there might be some exceptions we probably have the world's most

violent, twisted criminals. I would imagine the US is number one again at that. I bet we have the most fucked up wild shit. Yeah. What crime, let's say we're a government. we are kind of a little we're a little government what crime is too much to do the rehab how about second degree murder second degree see look up second degree no i'll let's say i'm a presenter i'm going to present you a case yeah all right so um

I have a client here. Welcome. Guys, thanks for coming. What's the client's name? Alfred Simmons. And he came home from a trip early, went to his house. Yeah. and his wife was having sex with two of his workmates where do they work uh costco oh seriously yeah I love corporate though. So this man, okay, this man, this man comes home from work. Yeah. He finds his wife in bed with two of his Costco coworkers and they're going at it. What position are they in?

Oh, every position, my friend. Wow. So he's just sitting and watching. He's cucking. Is he cucking for a little bit? Yeah, well, his friend David is upside down. I don't know how they got the ropes tied around his ankles upside down on just the ceiling, but he's upside down. Wow. licking her um tush armpit please don't assume sir sorry okay and um the other one

a little dwarf man, little person, all right? And he's got marshmallows all over his body. He boiled down marshmallows, put it all over his body, right? And he's sort of just like on her chest and just... getting the marshmallow juice on her breastises. Got it. You know what I mean? Region, right? It sounds more fun than that. It's pretty fun. It was a fun time. But anyway, this guy, Simmons took a machete. Simmons?

What was it? Alfred. Alfred Simmons. Mr. Simmons. Mr. Simmons. Yeah, I'm sorry. I call him Simmons. Yeah. He took a machete. Yeah. And he chopped up. Unfortunately. But what about the other man? They're fine. Okay. Yeah. So it was an unintentional second degree killing. It was non-premeditated. That was second degree.

Yes. Since it was a dwarf, right? We couldn't charge him with first. First degree, right. You could always get him for half degree murder. It's a half degree murder. We consider that and it's like a half. Half degree murder. Half person. Yeah. So anyway. He deserves rehabilitation. You think so? Okay, good, good, right. I heard you have a client. But I would say this. You would need to have him make amends with the family.

with the family of the little person that was murdered. So you'd have to get him to go to find that. First of all, you got to find that tree. Well, we'd have to buy him a plane ticket to get to Middle Earth. And we don't even know how to. That's what I'm saying. We don't even know how to do that. So I heard you had a little client. I do have a client. Yeah, so tell us. Yeah, Barbara Duke, Mr. Barbara Duke here. Well, based on the name. Alan Barbara Duke. Okay.

He's a doctor and a lawyer and a physicist. Oh, wow. He's very well accomplished. Already then probably ready for rehabilitation? I don't know. Okay, well, that was the case. It was pretty egregious. He was eating lunch at a Jimmy John's. Good sandwich. Freaky fast. And I'll tell you, he was eating lunch and he found a pubic hair in his sandwich.

Oh. And he turned around and a bunch of the young teenage pimple-faced boys, braces. They were laughing. Shit's lit, dude. What do you think about that, bro? Wow. Our pubes are in your fucking mouth, bitch. Oh, so these kids put their own pubic regions inside the sandwich. Yeah, these three. That is really uncalled for. Wow. But Barbara Duke, he took this the wrong way because he was having a flashback from the- What was his first name?

What's Barbadook's first name? Mr. Barbadook. No, what's his first name? It doesn't matter. But Mr. Barbaduke had a flashback from his childhood where he was bullied when he was very young. I see, I see. And many people in the neighborhood make him eat their pubes. That was Pube the Duke. It was a game they played. Well, it's understandable, yeah. So Mr. Barbaduke kind of had a flashback. He grabbed- What did Mr. Barbaduke do?

He grabbed one of the bread knives and he slowly cut up each of the teenage boys and he cooked them. And they're still now serving some of them at Jimmy John's.

it's it's a new flavor you know chipotle introduces something new every couple of months yes now jibby john's introducing teenage boy okay uh and he well it's interesting that you would say that because it's like first of all um you would think that once somebody's carving up one teenage boy that the other teenage boys would run he cut he he dismembered all he took the knife and cut off all their legs with the butter knife with a butter knife

A bread knife. A bread knife. Bread knife. Seems difficult to do. Well, dude, Mr. Barber Duke was quite strong. He trained Taekwondo and sword mastery when he was in college. Okay, well, I've never seen that done, but anyway. He's very skilled. Yeah. He's well skilled. What do you think, guys? Rehab. Rehab, rehab, rehab, rehab, rehab. You think he's good? Yeah, we're good. Yeah, he's good. Mr. Barber Duke, we're fine.

Carlos doesn't realize he's Mr. Barbadino. In prison, can you wake up whenever you want to wake up? No, I think there's a bedtime, there's a wake-up time, there's a yardage. But I can't go, I'm going to sleep in, I'm going to mix. Prison would hurt you a lot. Oh, I bet. Because bedtime. I wouldn't be able to walk or anything. And honestly, then you'd have to get up and do shit. No, but I can't go, hey, yo, prison guard. What's your name? Larry. Prison guard. Yeah. Tomorrow? I'm Larry.

Hey, Larry. Hey. Tomorrow, you know, breakfast, all that stuff, we sleep in. No. Wake up. You got to do exercise and clean. Yeah, but I'll do that after lunch. No, well, we'll just beat you then. What do you mean? We'll just beat you. We'll physically come. I didn't do anything. I just want to sleep in. I tire. Too bad. No cameras. Oh shit. You'll beat me? Yeah. With what? Huh? What'd you beat me with? What do you want to be beat with?

Do you think they would beat me? They would make me get up in the morning like a military? That's what they do. Can you sleep early? I'm going to sleep early. I think so. Do we even go to bed early? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, I don't know. Lights out is 11. Can you Google it? I don't think, do they make you wake up? Of course they do. Yes, they do. Also, it depends on what level of prison you're in.

Yes, you do have to wake up in prison around 6 a.m. Structured daily schedule includes mandatory head counts and work assignments. Yeah, man, you got to do shit. You're forced to do labor. You're doing labor. Oh, my God. They get paid. But they would let him do stand-up and get out of it. You know what I'd do. What? Fuck everyone. Yeah. You would get fucked. Whatever. Whatever it takes. I want to sleep in. You'd be bottomed. How did that Friday go?

It was okay. I mean, I love San Francisco. The punch is great. And you were there before. And, you know, they talked all about you. Bobby was just here. That was a cool week. It was me Tuesday, Wednesday, then you Thursday, Friday, Saturday, right? And on Friday during the day. matinee shows was Doug Benson. How funny is that? No. Yeah, he did 4 p.m. Wow. He does like 420 shows in certain cities. Oh, that's fun. At 420 p.m. Yeah, I think he did Saturday before me, I think.

That's a lot of fun. I didn't even get to fucking see him, though, because obviously he's on the road in and out. But no, dude, that club punch was great. San Francisco's awesome. There is also a perception of San Francisco that comics have sometimes. Where they're like, San Francisco, liberals, snooty. They were fucking. I feel the same way. I said everything. It was rad. It's fun. I just think San Francisco is misunderstood as an audience. Also, the homeless team.

safer. They're not as knifey. Yeah, they're not as knifey and they're having conversations with themselves, which is nice. I just saw a guy doing that on the way here. You ain't got no clarity within this time frame. What do you mean? They're like talking to each other Infinity stones create the magic

And they're having conversations with each other. And so you're just kind of walking by. You can't add. No. You can't go. The mind frame is down below. And they're like, what you saying? You know what I mean? They'll go down below. Yeah, but.

You can listen to them. They're not, you know, I mean, like. not knife shanky yeah yeah yeah we need it that would be funny to put an uh a homeless guy at an improv and sign him up for 101 or whatever over at ucb yeah just a homeless schizophrenic guy and he just kills he gets on snl year two yeah That'd be cool. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, crazy bones. But there is a lot. Do you see a lot of homeless there?

Yeah, yeah. But they're so sad. Well, we live here. Yeah, yeah. I see it fucking here. I love the homeless here. It's so crazy. I saw one person in Spain in those two and a half weeks. Yeah, because you kill them. You kill them. You get rid of them. What do you do with the homeless? Yeah, what do you do with the homeless there? Airplane in LA. I saw a couple of TikToks about Japanese homeless. You know what I mean? And the typhoons get them.

The typhoon. They do. That's real? The typhoons fuck them up. Yeah, yeah. Well, they look so cool. No. That's just a cool guy. no it's like a famous meme because it really is a homeless dude no i wanted to start a clothing line called hobo

And that was, when I brought it to a company, that was the photo. I mean, you look like that. I want to do a line of clothing that looked like that. You wear that shit all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Balenciaga kind of does that. Yeah. They get it off of that Russian dude. You know that Russian dude?

Okay, look up Balenciaga and then the Russian streetwear guy. That's right. Have you seen this before? No. You're going to love this. This guy. This guy right here, right? He goes to thrift stores and he's... influencing fashion trends. He's like a homeless guy in fucking Russia. Are they paying him? No. Do they want to keep this man homeless just for his art ideas? Good idea. Smart.

Yeah. Yeah, don't let him in. And they steal his fashion ideas by looking at his photos. And he knows this. Look at it. That's what he normally wears. And then look what he did. I mean. it's incredible that's dark what who's who who's who the guy on the right yeah yeah go back to some of these other ones i mean dude dope no yeah he's got a cool style yeah good style

Yeah, he's cool. Obviously, he was an artist of some kind. I don't know. Harper, yeah, Bazaar, just... Ukrainian magazine. Wow. It's incredible. It's crazy they're just stealing from them. Oh, let me tell you something that happened. Yeah. Oh, my God. You just pissed me off, dude. Yeah. So, flying to San Francisco, do you have a driver? No.

How do you get to the hotel? Just Uber. Okay. Well, I have a driver. I know you do. Okay. Yeah, he tells me. Yeah. You get the driver for me. I get the driver for you. It's not in his deal. Yeah. You pay for my driver? I pay for your everything. Okay. So anyway. No, he pays for his own fucking. Yeah, of course. Yeah. So this guy, you know, I land. There's a guy has a sign Lee. I go, hey, it's me. He's like, what's your first name?

I go, Bobby. He's like, okay. I'm not lying. It gets worse. Then we actually were walking, smoking to the car. Yeah. He goes, uh. What hotel are you staying at? He doesn't know? Isn't it in the fucking thing? That's why I ask him. Don't you know what hotel I'm staying at? Because I do. Do you? I go.

i don't know it's in some of my i have to go to my emails and check it out just getting kidnapped by a fan no just check out he goes no i can't put you in my car unless i know what hotel you're staying at seriously yeah and i go well what you already i already gave you my name right He's like, it's rules, man. I've never heard this in my life. Yeah. And now I'm going through my emails. Then I finally go, the hotel. He's like, okay. Wow.

And I still give him a big tip. I knew you did. I was just going to say, I bet you gave him a hundred bucks. But I did. I threw it at him almost. You know what I mean? I go, here you go, man. I whipped it at him. Yeah, fuck him. Right? I just got out. Didn't say goodbye or anything.

It pissed me off. Yeah, that's fucking weird, dude. Do you know why? He doesn't think that I am anything. How many Lees have he seen, you know? It's San Francisco. I also said Bobby. You know what I mean? That's a rare Lee. That's a less commonly. Yeah. It's also like, you know, I don't know. Did I read it wrong? No, that's fucking weird though that he did. I don't know why. Has that ever happened to you? I'd take Ubers. You've never gotten a car.

It's the same amount of money. No, I have, but they've never... No, I have. It's not the same amount of money. What do you mean? It's more expensive, for sure. It's way more expensive. No, but I have taken... I'll do it first from now on. Is that what you're saying? No. No, you're paying for it. You deserve it.

I don't deserve anything. I just think it's easier. I like the torture of a foreigner who's speaking on the phone. I like that. I like to go to a new city and hear their foreign local, you know? Yeah. Redhead. I want to hear that. Yeah. No, but I've had that before. I've had it before where I'm like, oh, that's me. And because I use an alias, I don't use my name. I'm like, that's me.

And then they have to like check to make sure. Cause it's not, you know what I mean? Cause it's not my name. I see. Cause it's weird that they hold your fucking name. That's the weirdest thing. That's why I put mine when we go on the road. Yeah, that's smart. But you're so fucking famous.

Bobby Lee, the name is famous. Oh, this guy had no idea. He knows who you are. No. Maybe he was fucking with you. He wasn't. How old was he? He was like Brazilian, so he had a thick accent. Oh. You know what I mean? But I almost gave him a bad review, but I didn't do it. No, no, you can't do that. Why? Why can't you? You can't. It's not. Let him suffer. You're living a great life. Fuck him. You're right. You're right. Was it worse than our mean Uber driver in Detroit? Remind me.

remember we were three packed in the back of the car yeah he was being so rude to us and you were asking if you could turn the ac on and he just wasn't listening kept turning his music was that the one where we were laughing really loud there was one uber i was in with you Well, no, that was in London. Oh, that was so funny. We were back.

On the way to the show with Chappelle. Yeah, yeah, that was so funny. And you asked what this building was, and he was like... And he goes... And that's all he did. He turned back around. And there was... Dead silence at first. And then all of a sudden we just lost. I died lab. Although we also validated him. We were like, oh, cool. Oh, you were in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretended to be on the phone afterwards. What? You pretended to be on the phone afterwards. You're like, what?

Okay. That was so fun. But then you guys were like, we're going to bomb tonight. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We could feel it. Something was in the air that night. As soon as we passed fucking Abbey Road, I was like, we're dead. We're legends. And then we're fucking penis. Thank you for being a bad friend.