Hey everybody welcome to the bad comedy podcast Jason what are you doing? What are you doing over there? What do you think I'm doing? I don't know. I'm Jason Melton welcome to the bad comedy podcast. I'm trying to start this podcast for 30 minutes We've had to keep on starting and restarting it because Jason keeps standing up What are you talking about? If I have to get something I'll get up and get it. Stop getting things. Who cares?
What if I have to do something? Because it's not it's not good. I kind of like standing I stand during the podcast. You want to stand during my twitch stream? You're a stand-up guy. I love stand-up. Folks this is the bad comedy podcast. Not the comedy just doing just standing I hate stand-up comedy. If it's your first time tuning in it's a podcast that is bad We don't really know what it's about. We've been doing it for several years
We're comedians. It's funny several years of this podcast we've not prepared for one episode. No Yeah Our guests come on. We have no questions ready. Yeah Well, we're like excited to do the stuff we talked about in a previous episode in front of them. Yeah, it's the best And what was I gonna say? Oh, no, we do prepare that one question for guests. Like you're telling me all about your life Yeah, there's that question Who they hate yeah, those are the two standards. Who do you hate?
Tell me who do you hate? Some people are so scared to say they hate. Pussy. Yeah. Our shit. Yeah We have a full wall of awsies. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we're not getting demon timed this time. Hell no You can't demon time me. Because we love you YouTube. Yeah So you had you were talking about John Hickok? I had a really good joke about him at the power our open mic yesterday. Is that right? Yeah, I was actually this is true
I was in the bathroom at the same time as him. Uh-huh, and he was peeing in the toilet Oh sure explain a John Hickok is John Hickok is a tall guy who's Makes YouTube videos with his seven feet tall bald guy with makes YouTube videos with his dad
Yeah, he looks like you could be a WWE guy probably. Yeah, if they had an anti-semitic faction He looked like he looks like a guy they'd find in the u-haul on the way to the Capitol building Yeah, like he's riding in the back of the u-haul with an AR dude imagine like imagined if like Like a group of skinheads saw this guy like this is what this is the dream have you seen the movie Becky with?
No with Paul Blart as a white supremacist. No, we've talked about this There's a really tall guy in it and they should have got John Hickok No, I only guy that got his huge though. I think he's a pro wrestler I only watch the one with the Harry Potter guy. Mm-hmm And they have pretty huge guy in that one, too That is actually reminds me a lot of Kev Kowlum, but like
But like a way bigger version. I wonder who it is. I like the big guys Remember we were watching the accountant and we were talking about the accountant We're like, do you recognize that henchman from other movies? So we're like looking up the IMTBs of
Long beard. Yeah. Yeah, he's in like every he's like a henchman and everybody you guys probably know we're talking about it It's a guy with the black long beard and he's bald and he takes him on the farm He's always a henchman if you've seen like any movies You've seen them. Mm-hmm. Any movie with a gun in it? Yeah Yeah, any movie where there's a henchman? We should have him on the part. We should I mean
What does he do when he's not being a henchman? I'll write it down. Get that henchman from the accountant Yeah Even over zoom The only exception we'll ever make to our non zoom policy is if it's that guy Yeah, we'll zoom him in. Yeah, if it's like even if it's like Chappelle or Louis CK No, they got to come to the podcast studio if the henchman wants to come on in Chappelle you could smoke in here. Yeah You know, he'll go anywhere you could smoke
We'll smoke anywhere. You can't smoke. We should have cat Williams on the podcast and I'll cancel him if you know what I mean We'll have dog Williams Dog Williams. No, my name is dog. Will you should be like dog dog Jefferson or something? Yeah Yeah, dog dog. William is like Willie dog Willie. Mm-hmm So another alternative to Williams Jefferson Davis two last names. What's up with that tall dude?
Yeah, famous for gun videos on YouTube and it got 40. It got 45. Yeah And I heard him peeing and you know, he's like 8 feet 3 inches You know, he's like 8 feet 10 feet tall. Yeah, so it like it sounded like, you know, like it was just really loud
Because the P was falling from really far. Oh Yeah, it's like oh it's like I said it's like when you drop a penny off a building You know and I said John Hickok he can he can't make love to a girl and finish on her face because it would put a hole in her brain Yeah He also is really big and he wasn't in the room. So he still doesn't know this joke. He also told to him personally He also has a fire hose the size wiener hole Yeah, I
He just whipped his dick out one time. I said don't do that. But yeah his dick hole like Probably the size of a quarter Day circumference he's got like a roll quarters in there pretty much and he's peeing out pennies Yeah holes in girls brains It doesn't even need a gun he just needs to get you to be attracted to him right and then you're dead He can just drink pennies. Yeah I want to go back to my idea you had like six months ago. Okay a gun that shoots knives. Oh, yeah, that's a cool idea
I think that idea a lot. There's a knife gun or a sword gun in Final Fantasy Is there I think I've seen anime guys with this? Okay Like a gun with a sword eyes, I guess you could shoot and then sword maybe we'll get no maybe we'll consult What's the point? We'll consult Christian Royce on this. I want a gun that shoots swords I'm legit for about a month had a crossbow in my Amazon cart That I was just waiting to pull the trigger on and then I just is it expensive
It was like 80 bucks. Yeah Imagine the crossbows have a huge range in price Yeah, they go from like 50 bucks to like 800 because you can get Problem is I don't understand crossbows. Well, you can get hunting ones and you can get like Antique ones that are like old like old medieval looking ones
Yeah, but you know what stopped me from buying it. Hmm is it said it would take two people to put the string on And I really don't want to fucking enlist a friend to get my crossbow up and going and then I can't even shoot it I'm just in my condo That's like that's like oh I ruin my own wall Back in the medieval times the British had the biggest had the best bows the British longbow Take like several people to pull it back and they just shoot giant arrows
Wait a minute though. They would get special Would there be two people pulling it back or like one person would hold the bow and the other person I think you'd be like Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, I just picture a bunch of guys pulling the rope back Yeah, well they do have those Maybe they put the bow in the ground too Yeah, yeah, I remember watching this They kind of mount it. Yeah, and then and then later on came like
Bow artillery, which is more crossbow style, but can we do this gun that shoots knives? Do you want to like make one? Yeah But like or hire someone to make one. I don't know how to make one. We'll talk to the wet wizard customs guy The guy who engraves our switchblade Yeah, he's gonna make a gun that shoots. What we'll do is we'll talk to you We'll see you John Hickok goes to for custom guns I know John Hickok has done a couple jokes shitting on knives. Really? Yeah, he's like I'm a gun guy
Quit all this knife business. You probably don't like that. I'm a little bit like hey man. What's wrong with knives? You're a knife specialist. Sometimes you bring a knife to a gunfight, you know, yeah Never bring no weapons to a knife fight is what I say, you know Yeah, never bring nothing to a A pen is mire in the sword. Tell that to a guy with a sword in his ass That sounds like a little classic street joke I don't know. Yeah
I wrote a street joke for this. Oh, I should do it on the patreon though. It's dirty save it. Yeah Yeah, guys patreon.com slash bad comedy is where we get real insane and we already talked about our actual crazy ideas our final fantasies Yeah, Final Fantasy is way too close to ultimate solution. Yeah, it was a fantasy But I don't get it there's like the Final Fantasy one should have been the last one Because that was the final one. Yeah, there should be like man fantasy one fantasy to a game
That's supposed to be final shouldn't have 20 iterations. Yeah, that makes no sense. Yeah. Yeah It's like the last of the Mohicans to it doesn't make sense. Yeah. Yeah, cuz it'll be probably gone. So Well, I guess it could still be the same guy. I don't even know what a Mohican is It sounds like a sounds like a tropical drink. It sounds like me In Mexico, let me get a Mohican I'm trying to fit in Mexico. Oh, I love mohico
I'm Mohican. Yeah Mohican hats to go with my Mohican curly mustache All those All those drug lords down there that they call Jeff L Jeff Jeffy for some reason for some reason they're all named Jeff every year. I like I would every cartel leader in the I went to my girls Graduation it was a Mexican Catholic Church ceremony and they called God El Señor Oh, yeah, a Mexican church. This means like the man or is like the desert
It means the mister. I think it means the man likes like senior senior Mac senior Jason means like mister like the mister I Was saying it meant the him. Yeah, cuz it'd be how do you say God? You know, cuz you could also be like senior. Could you please? Let it be like I love a guy. It's like a respectful way to refer to a man. Yeah, I love a guy I love I love Adios meal or maybe they think that deals me or a man content
Maybe the deals maybe they think I'm in love with God. Maybe they think that he's a senior in high school. Oh Maybe oh, maybe they think he's like senior frogs You know, you know, you're a stop girl Yeah, junior junior stop. Go loves when I call him senior go go here in your he never gets mad here in your past Me the ranch and it's when he's working with a bunch of uh, cuz he's like a Polish
He's like a Polish guy so he's working with a bunch of like Mexican guys. Yeah I bet they're building they're putting like in a in a they're finishing a basement or something Yeah, cuz it's a drywall cuz junior. Well, junior was in here. He loves you near He works with them on old cars and they try to put like like hydraulics in it and he's like no no not in my car No hydraulics in this shit. You know, can you go pick up more screws? You and your he's like fetching
Somebody made a fake account for my dad for your dad. Yeah, and it says mark and Epper The second and I'm like and it has his picture I'm mark never the second But they're trying to be him and They're messaging people I'm gonna tell them what should I tell them? I'm gonna tell them that like I have I have I have their IP Address and I should offer them a bunch of Bitcoin. No, what's no what are some threats? I can say say
Hey, do you want all my Bitcoin? No I want to threaten them Like I say like that I'm gonna get there get to all their shit What can I say that I have of theirs? Their IP address yeah be like IP Obtained I was on a Leslie Tanner stream the other day and I was said I could fight everyone in the chat once I was being a villain I was being a villain and they get mad at me and they were saying they stole my IP they had my IP
They're trying to say like trying to scare me. Yeah Yeah, I wasn't able to watch when you went on because I was working on podcast stuff, but was it good Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, shut out the Leslie Tanner check out Let's eat the Tanner twitch guys the program works everybody get in the program. Yeah It's called meditations You tell me But he does meditations. He also does meditations So you kind of call it explore your inner life, right?
Like you call in you give him your problems and then yeah, it's a little bit like Frazier Crane. Yeah
It's a little bit like except he's got better hair. Yeah, it's kind of like scared straight He gives you the truth, you know, yeah gives you the real and similar to scared straight Like you end up being a criminal after you hear that all the kids on that show ended up having like really it didn't none of them had a very low success rate just like John Tapper's show rescue Yeah, it was like one of those shows were like we're fixing people like this and then they like ten years down the line
They're like all these bars closed immediately. Yeah, but with bar rescue I went to Nick's living room in Milwaukee. They had some episodes for bar rescue where they had to go rescue it Oh, really? I went to Nick's living room Milwaukee. It had been bar rescued They made the whole bar look like each part of the bar was like a different person's living room like old-timey kind of That was actually really cool. It's like Lincoln Lodge
No, it was it was more like it felt like an actual living room. Not like a bar Mm-hmm, and it was really cool and there was no one there It was like they made this place really cool and obviously they made it too Cool for the yeah to know for the area fix it. Yeah. Yeah, it's cool, but it's not fixed It's not what it's meant to be and like I remember there's like maybe a bar here will never work, right?
And they would fix up like sports bars like shitty sports bars. That's what they're supposed to be and yeah They're making like fancier. They don't gonna go there. Yeah. Yeah but I've always wanted to open this bar called purgatory and the first floor is already Coles bar the First floor is just a regular bar like a standard bar not a dive bar not a fancy bar But then upstairs is like Fancy it's a fancy club
Like all white and stuff and the basement is just like a reckless dive bar with metal and stuff. It's like heaven and hell. Oh Sweet, it's kind of sweet, right? Yeah, there's that bar That has upstairs. It's like a cocktail bar. Mm-hmm over in Logan Square does it have downstairs it's a All red, okay, they got ski ball in the front, okay Okay, well, there'd be no ski ball here and then you go upstairs and it's like a tropical bar. Yeah
Okay, this would be a little bit like heaven and hell now. It's like a take on it and no purgatory though Yeah, no, that's your innovation Yeah, purgatory is just like What's like a regular bar heaven is a beach. Wait, what's that phrase life is a Beach, I was playing in the sand. Yeah, that's what little Wayne says I don't know. Well life is a beach is like a Margaritaville type t-shirt
So shout out to little Wayne for ripping off a t-shirt you'd buy in Florida. Well, yeah, it also comes from life is a B-word Yeah, yeah I get that part. Yeah. Yeah, but then you got to get some like genius like Margaritaville guy to come in Jimmy Buffett be like life is a beach like I like the beach Yeah, and Jimmy Buffett died, right? Yeah
He was eating at a buffet. I think yeah, I always take my head off on what if he got killed by a parrot He died choking on parrot bones I've got to tell you this my sister's wedding when they were like reading off their vows there was like a neighbor like Nearby because this was like near the rocks outside in Evanston near the rocks on the lake She had a wedding by the rocks in Evanston by a rock in Evanston By the lake
Are you giving a caveman instructions? Yeah directions to get there. You just follow the rocks Yeah, from Evanston you know what I'm talking about Hey yo, shout out to Evanston People from Evanston love Evanston I know I even have a story about Evanston now, my ex Well anyway There was this guy So we kept hearing a whistling Coming from next door
It was Jimmy Buffett? No I got up from my seat while they were in the middle of the ceremony because I was like I'm going to beat the shit out of whoever is doing this laughing And then I couldn't see anything And then It's got to be a bird Well Hold on, let me give me three more guesses That's close Probably as part of it Was it a Then I went back and sat down and then And then it kept going And then I guess my brother got up and he got a better look through the fence
And it was a guy with a bird holding a bird on his shoulder Probably surrounded by hot women You know when you got a bird it always attracts a bunch of hot women No He was just the whole time That's why those guys do that He's having his parrot cat call the wedding the whole time He was making the bird do that?
I'm sure he taught the parrot how to do the Well I was in a I was house sitting for somebody one time And there, my brother and his wife has a bunch of animals because she works at Animal Hospital I'm not kidding They have three dogs Two or three cats in the basement Two birds, they had crows, squirrels Two birds They're all rescued So the birds there So I brought all my music equipment Because back in the day I used to do a lot of home recording And I'm like this is going to be sweet
I got this house, I'm going to do recordings all night And then all night The fucking bird was just chirping I couldn't record anything because it was Just getting bird noise in the back of every fucking Every take That could have been cool But it was like, no it sucked I think you could record And then also I got drunk and then the dog peed everywhere And then my brother Eric was like, that's cool what happens to me all the time Because he used drinks too Yeah, nice Oh I wanted to let you know
So you know that we have at our three office chairs? Yes So I think we I wonder how this story related to The previous story Well I Because I was I was playing off your bird thing And oh my point was just that birds don't shut up I don't know if he trained it It just never shut up I didn't know you had a point at the end Not coming with your office chair So I was thinking we Interview someone for the third chair On the podcast Can we get that guy with the bird maybe?
Well I have like 20 people Planned to come by and interview today So we might have an interviewee coming through at some point So just want to kind of Give you a heads up on that Okay so we're getting another podcast Host? Well we're going to see We're going to interview and see if anyone's good enough Why do I not been pulling my weight around here?
Yeah Well in fairness I weigh a lot Yeah If I was a poet my name would be Ezra Putting on the pounds Yeah Or Your song I'd be eating my taco It'd be putting on the pounds Eating all the Ritz Yeah that's good Different types Of Pizza Hut I want to See Sam Talent because I want to call him Ezra Weighs a lot of pounds or something Because he's a writer He got mad at me Because I go, he goes I went upstairs and had a pie And Mo didn't know What he meant by pie He's like there's pie upstairs
He's like pie like pizza I go Mo he's an author He uses a lot of fancy words And then Sam got He looked at me really angry He goes don't be like Mac right now or something You're going to hang out with that guy too much I was being fine with Sam Because I warned you I noticed you were on your best behavior You didn't really warn me I go Sam doesn't want you here And then you go Hey Sam can I buy all your merch That was the first thing you said to butter him up He's already got butter on him
I wanted a poster I feel like if I didn't warn you You would have gone Hey fat guy fuck you bitch You would have come on like that But then instead you're like Hey good to see you I want to get some of your merch before I go You're all polite and also I'm going to buy stuff off you You're giving him incentive to be your friend Oh well he's gave me one AKA clout chasing Apple polishing Butt sniffing I would never butt sniff him His butt looks like two butts fighting over a smaller butt
I was wearing a Nathan Lund shirt Because I'm a Lundite And I don't like Sam Talentson I care if he doesn't like me Hell yeah dude I love that attitude I saw he made a thing on Instagram And a song And it just seemed like he was stealing some HSD Oh my god He kind of looks like Jack Black He kind of looks like More like Kyle Gass Sam should be in movies And he should play like the nosy neighbor Yeah He's got them glasses And his head is always kind of looking out He's kind of looking around
He would be good at that Speaking of nosy neighbors If you ever got one you can just flash From your badge with the Ostking wallet folks Go like hey I call it the puss king wallet Because you're a big pussy If you flash really fast you can just say hey FBI Stop what you're doing now If you flash it that fast everyone's Going to know you're lying That was way too fast If a cop did that to me I'd be like Fuck you dude You're the Boston Strangler for sure You got to let them look at it
But don't let them read it I would flash it But keep talking to them Really intensely so they're like They're distracted That's probably like a magician trick It's got to be in my Navy base pass To switch it around By the way I think you just doxed yourself 8 times Flashing your ID That doesn't matter I just can come over I Docs myself Today But if you want to Join the Ostking gang and get one of the Best wallets of all time go to Amazon type in Ostking A-U-S-K-A-N-G wallet
It's a smart wallet that you can Connect to find my iPhone you can find it And It's honestly the most legit wallet I've had It's got Basically the most features of any Wallet you can ever get And it's very small so you can use it as a front pocket Wallet and you can never lose it Ever It's even got a little speaker on it that's loud So if it's around the house like most of my stuff I spend You know like three quarters of my life looking for Items You're a big loser Okay yeah thank you
Not nice but Yeah if you're one of those types of people There's a lot out there that suffer From the disease of losing stuff all the time This will save you half your life So go to Amazon Find the Ostking smart Wallet and then you can use promo code bad Comedy at checkout and you get a Total of 45% off It's only 60 bucks that brings it down to like A dollar you know Pretty much Pretty good yeah and then With the savings You join Patreon.com slash bad comedy Speaking of Patreon.com slash comedy
I did want to call out A few people whose cards are declining On the Patreon so they can hear this publicly Okay I'm going to write down my Idea for a thing to say Let's call them out I would call it Andy Mango His card Andy Mango I texted him I was like what the heck Dude His card declined on June 26 Anthony Hernandez his card Declined on the 4th of July of all days Mr. Eddy His card declined on June 1st Matt Perez what the hell we're in a band together Mr. Eddy Matt Perez since March
Matt Perez is the other guy in our band My whole band is Dude your whole band is Next you're going to tell me my car is declining No DJ Sliderbite His car has been declining since December And Andrea Sham doesn't surprise me Well and neither does Sliderbite Sliderbite is good friends with our manager As you know A notoriously very broke person And then Our manager he's always He's always hooking us up with Gigs whenever his phone is turned on He's great And then met his weird friend Hector
Hector he had me up and he said Put me on the Yeah Buddy Awesome Time show I'll bring a bunch of people he pulled a mac And I go If you show up I'll use you for this bit Because I did Tony the Tiger again Which Junior was drunk And shitting on off stage He's like this is not funny He's hating on it Then I asked somebody what they thought of the show Who used to come to Yeah Buddy Awesome And they were like I liked everything except Junior Who said that?
So that show was a You know I brought back an old show I used to do And a bunch of people came who used to go to the old show And she was like I liked everything except Junior Was like he was too drunk He was like scaring everybody Sorry Junior Everybody didn't know him Everybody who knew him was like hey he's cool Maybe stop getting too drunk and punching Egg Lords Well he didn't punch nobody Him and my dad were both hammered I think they might have become friends
Everyone's like your dad's so cool I'm like My dad's drunk I'm scared He was setting off my Alerts like run Everyone's like oh this guy's Fun and I'm like run He's also not cool his favorite movie is Wizard of Oz He loves the Safety dance It used to be I don't know what it is anymore Your dad's gay right?
No I would never be son of a gay man If he was If my dad was gay I would have disowned him A long time ago Chris Gayman Yeah oh I had a joke About Chris Damon My roast joke at him So Chris Damon is the bald guy that had a stroke Is there a stroke involved?
No it was about how he worked at the grocery store for 20 years I go this guy worked at a jewel for 20 years I just wish he would listen to women when they tell Mary on no Also Derek Strong is back on the scene Also Derek Strong is back on the scene Also Derek Strong is back on the scene So jewel is making a big appearance Employees of jewel are making a big I was wondering what that smell was He's been in His oculus For about a year He just came out of the oculus
And he works at jewel in the oculus too But now he's working at jewel IRL Yeah Yeah But It's Funny when people's cars decline They say I'm poor and it's $2 Yeah Sign up for Patreon Everybody's cheap It's $3.99 You got the $2 one if you were a guest Or if you joined a long time ago We're probably going to raise it Because of inflation Because we haven't raised it so you better join now Or else It's going to be way more expensive And then when we have We plan on having Stephen Hofstadter on soon
And then we're going to have on Tim Dillon as well So Get in now or else it's going to be $100 a month Yeah But you get grandfathered into whatever you join at Uh huh So What's Been in the news I think like I think there's That's the first time it's ever been quiet in the pocket I think there's Stuff Probably not The news is like look for things to talk about That would suck If prepare Uh NASCAR Was that going on?
The reason why I know NASCAR is going on is because In front of the show Adam Urbanski told me I'm not looking forward to going downtown tomorrow They got that NASCAR shit going on That's where I get my news from people complaining about their Commutes Yeah well I did want to give a shout out To some cool patrons like Adam Urbanski And C. Tugler Also Adam Urbanski did my ants Got rid of my ants Like your mom's sister I used to put poison everywhere Around my condo Oh okay Not even on your ants
My aunts My aunt Linda, Laura, Nana Uh Rosie Oh I know Rosie Shout out to Rosie She'll take the whole page one and two Yeah you know Rosie page one Page two you know Uno, Rosie Whenever I play people are like ooh I love Uno I always think oh yeah so does my aunts My aunt Rosie Hey folks and if you don't know Who aunt Rosie is maybe listen back On the other episodes And the Patreon Sign up for the Patreon if you want to know who aunt Rosie is My real aunt We should have aunt Rosie on the podcast
Yeah That'd be good Oh happy Sin dependence day everyone Like Anybody who's actually a patriot Or celebrating Like the good trend To say that America's good and stuff It's sin dependence day America has never done anything good All they've done is transphobia And xenophobia You know like This country's Never done anything good is all they've done Yeah Except for like Vending the cars and electricity And like tv Nazis? Everything No I guess we invented everything
White people? No America pretty much America? Yeah Shout out to America Yeah I was joking happy independence day guys Shout out to the philosopher William James the great American Philosopher Who's that? He He's a philosopher What was his theory? Is it like a White spermacid one?
No he was just an American Philosopher William James Cause you know all the philosophers are from like Ancient Greece and like Germany and England Are there any from Oh no Oh you mean like a philosopher There's some from England too like The utilitarianism guy Jeremy Bentham And John Stuart Mill And of course The guy life liberty and property John Locke Okay what about Jordan Peterson? Shout out to He's Canadian And is he a philosopher?
I think he's technically a psychologist Yeah but also kind of a philosopher I mean yeah I guess he's more famous for his Harris? Sam Harris I think he's American Well I was going to say Chris Higgins But I think he's British Those are like the modern ones Not Chris Higgins What's his name? Do you know what I'm talking about? Hitchens Wait No Chris Higgins is right No Chris Higgins is a comedian Hitchens Do you know who I'm talking about?
There was Sam Harris They're all British except Sam Harris I think Hitchens And they wrote all these books about atheism There was like a This guy But Jordan Peterson is the religious side of it There's a documentary where the guy Ben Stein He debates this other guy Oh Ben Stein He's an actor He's an actor He had a game show and he's a famous conservative He's been in a bunch of movies He's like a small I feel like he always plays himself He plays like a teacher Ben Stein
And he had a show called Win Ben Stein's Money That he used to watch on Comedy Central Do you ever watch that show? No He's like okay I'm a boring Ben Stein He was always like that Win Ben Stein's Money Who else?
Justin Golak is a modern sophist I'm trying to remember the guy Who's a fucking This is a good sophist Justin Golak is a sophist I've talked to him about that Fuck I can't remember these guys names But there's a bunch of guys who were like Do you remember when everyone used to talk about atheism on YouTube?
No And then there was all these debates between Christian debates, atheist I hate hardcore atheists And I hate hardcore Christians There's a reason why everyone hates them Is because there was a time on the internet Where that was like a very popular thing It's now It's a parody of itself now Everyone kind of like Became self aware that this is Really gay Neither of you know The Christians have been the same They're still the same They're like the same the whole time
Kirk Cameron was involved in this Do you know the actor Kirk Cameron? Probably by face From all of the movies No, but I think he's from the Left Behind series My left foot I know my left foot God takes you to heaven except for your left foot It gets left behind What it is?
The Left Behind series is like God's going to come and take everyone To heaven except the people who are not Cool And then so you might all of a sudden Like you're sitting here talking to me Mac and then all of a sudden it's just my clothes On the chair And I'm in heaven Similar, this is called Left Behind It's like a book series and then they made a Movie or show about it, it's a Christian It's Christian content, bro But that's the same thing as the Left Overs I think so
I never watched the Left Overs But Left Behind is the original What about Left Forward? My favorite was Kevin Sorbo had one called God is not dead A famous play Off Nietzsche God is not dead Or Kevin Sorbo Hercules Is there a buzz? No That heard a buzz I don't know I think some of our people are showing up to audition Yeah maybe Lining up downstairs Whatever, fuck them I'm going to be real Simon Cowell today Do you have the accent for it? Are you gay? That was absolutely Dreadful Spot of tea?
Is he Australian or British?
He's British That's going to be a no for me dog I like the black guy Randy Jennifer Lopez Used to judge American Idol Me and my girl have been delving into JLo Recently Do you know that she came out with a Music video movie and a documentary Recently that she paid for herself And everyone's been hating her Everyone's not interested in JLo Right now and she tried to get everyone Interested in her and everyone's been rejecting her She's like look at me and everyone's like Fuck you bitch
So there's lots of stuff like media Trashing her I watched her music video It's called This Is Me Now Or something like that Does she shake her booty? I don't remember, probably She's married to Ben Affleck, he's in it They're separated right now He's the accountant, his password is Charles Babbage Charles Babbage He goes It's between Bull and Babbage Remember?
He chooses Babbage, he's like obviously Babbage Obviously the coolest I couldn't tell if it was because Babbage is the cooler One or because it's alphabetical Like Babbage is before Bull He's such a stickler for stuff He has to go alphabetically That's my favorite part of that movie is when they say Charles Babbage How about when they reveal the lady he's been talking to the whole time is the droll and retard from the home Spoiler alert That's a huge spoiler alert
They're like why does she have such a nice computer? We're the Babbage Patch Kids We love Charles Babbage Shout out to Babbage He invented the computer, look him up He's had a great career So yeah It's a really cool computer I've had a lot of fun It's a really cool computer It's a really cool computer I have an interesting What's that? Is that tea that you brought? Yeah I got some tea right here Interesting Is it good? That was fun to slam shit I want to slam shit more
in there. Oh nice. I've done this before it's pretty easy to fix you just take the filter out and you pour the tea through the filter. Oh nice. So but this filter has lasted you forever and it's super easy to fix. I've had it like a year or some shit yeah. And that only happens when you slam it down on stuff otherwise. Oh yeah I'm slamming it. Otherwise it's very stable. No it's completely unstable. I'm not gonna defend it.
You saw what I did everybody I'm an idiot. I was like this is fun and then I broke it. But this is a cool steeper club. You put the tea in the little filter and you put it in the fridge overnight you get a pint a quart two quarters. Probably like five gallons. Probably like five gallons of tea right here. And it's just made for you and you know what I've been doing is I had to get another pitcher and I put a cup of sugar in it and I make a sweet tea for my
girl. My girl likes sweet tea. She's got a sweet tooth. Yeah sweet tea is good. Yeah so I've been doing cool steeper sweet tea is my idea. That's what I drink when I drink sweet tea when I'm sitting on my rocking chair. Outside a cracker barrel yeah. Playing big checkers. Looking at the tractors on my plantation. Yeah looking at all the tractors at my cracker barrel. I'll take another cornbread. I kind of want to buy a tractor.
I kind of want to buy cornbread. I could go for a cornbread too. Legit I had a cornbread. I make a fire ass cornbread. I had some at that party but like no one ate it. I ate a bunch of your mac and cheese. They had those Nurah's recipe. I made it sort of she mixed it. We made it together but it's her recipe. I like mac and bees. It's when I'm walking around with a bunch of bees. Yeah I guess when you're a you know when you're a
Crip you don't say be what you don't say bees when you're a Crip. I don't know what that yeah like instead of having a bitch you have a sitch that's like a Crip thing. They don't want the way they talk. They don't say the letter B because of blood. They hate blood. Yeah they say you're a Custer instead of a buster. What if your name you never heard about this. No. What if your name's Stan. That's fine. There's no be. What is Bobby.
Yeah they call you Cobb. I don't know what they do for the second B but if you got if they call bitches sitches. So they call Bob Keene. You know there's a Vince Staples. They call him Cobb Keene. I didn't give I never give a fuck about a sitch. If I ever gave a fuck about a sitch I'd always be broke. Wait. That's Vince Staples. You should say Sroak. Yeah he should say croak. I'd always be croak. Croak yeah. Yeah so you put the C
instead of the B. So they're called Bob Keene Cobb Keene. Yeah Cobb Keene. That's actually where I got that. Cobb Keene. But yeah Custer. You're a Custer. I like General Custer. He's cool. He's all he's all like fancy. I got to show you this Crip Mac video then you'd understand everything. Yeah I don't get it too much into the western gang life. I'm all about the Chicago gang life. Yeah the Jacksonville shit is crazy. They just killed the
Fulio the Fulio guy. I think his name is like Fulio Julio or something. Well if he's his name is fool. That's the one that honestly from all the YouTube being I've watched that's the gang culture that scares me the most. Which one? The Jacksonville guys. Why? Like they kill each other do rap songs about the same day. Oh yeah you show me that. They just kill each other constantly. What about MS-13? Those yeah actually never mind those are the scary ones. Those are the scariest ones to me. I was
saying that to Nura. She's like there's black gangs in LA too because we've been talking about it because all the Kendrick Lamar shit. I go yeah the black gangs are scary for sure but the MS-13 are like torturing people. Yeah on the west coast I'm more scared of Hispanic gangs. Just because the cartel shit. Yeah yeah well all of it there's pipelines of that stuff and then that bankrolls the gangs and
then I mean that's just the closest place. I mean I don't know shit I'm sure all these guys would kill me. I'm scared no matter what yeah of a guy with a gun. Yeah I mean any like border. But the one in front of the gun was forever. Yeah that's true yeah. Kendrick Lamar lyric. Uh-huh he's really good. Who but he's a poet. Yeah real Ezra Pound. Ezra doesn't weigh a lot of pounds. Yeah he's very skinny. He's short. Uh-huh he's a little man. That's my distor
Kendrick. Come at me Kendrick. Yeah what are you gonna do Kendrick? If he eviscerated me for that. If he did this one against you. Jason is a fucking pedophile. He's a pedophile certified pedophile. He's a fat pedophile. Yeah pedophile. Wow. How come he doesn't get demon timed? Yeah what the yeah what the hell. I thought Kendrick was coming after me. Yeah cut off our electricity. I think Kendrick's demon
timing us. I think he's reporting us. Did you see the krump dancing in the new music video? Well I know krump dancing. For the fourth of July. I'm trying to get. Kendrick Lamar came out with a music video for his diss on Drake. Oh really? Yes the song of the summer. Do you know this song is elevated past the beef? I know. It's the song of the summer. I know song. It's like that song happy by Pharrell.
Oh the song song song of the south sweet potato pie and I shut my mouth. It's like it's like that song man down by uh Rihanna. This is the best part of it gone gone with the wind. You don't know anything about songs of the summer. Ain't nobody coming back again. I don't mean to ruin I don't mean to come down on you this hard but I feel like you don't know shit about the song of the summer. I know song itself. Yeah. That's
what I was singing. So you would. I know I do remember there's this one song of the summer that I remember. It was uh I forgot what it was. Blurred lines. Was that one? I think one might have been uh I took a pill in Ibiza. Show of each year I was cool. When I finally got sober felt 10 years old. I don't know that one. Uh Mike Mike Poser. Poser. Um Pilsner. Mike Pilsner. That was my favorite kind of beer
when I used to drink. Mike Pilsner. I'll take a Pilsner. I'll take a Mike Pilsner. Yeah. Let me have a Pilsner. Can I get the Pils? Yeah. You know uh. Oh yeah cool steeper club.com and you get uh 25% off with the promo bad comedy. Yeah. Or if you want some tea for the summer. You get 50% off or 20% off. It's I I've been doing it for like a year. I like it. I got all types of tea. You guys think about you get 20% off every time.
Think about the compound interest. Yeah just go check out the website cool steeper club.com and you decide for yourself. It's basically free. Yeah. Um and also sponsored by Lobo Den Podcast. Yes. How much time? Of course he's of course he's like uh. We gotta be his like two hours right? No we're 47 minutes. What the fuck is going on? I don't know. I'm so tired today. I don't know why. You don't know why? No. You've been
partying too you've been working too hard. We also been playing hard. I have been I have been working hard and I got I got pretty drunk last night but nothing insane. What'd you do last night? Got uh had some people over. Oh yeah you did invite me. Yeah I did. That's why I told Paul. Oh wait that is. I haven't seen. Wait that's two nights ago. Yeah. What the heck? You invite yeah I was gonna say that
two nights ago you invited me. I appreciate the invite. Yesterday was a. Me and Nura stayed in. I actually put out a picture of us sitting there looking like shit. I don't know if you saw that. My fourth of July pictures. It's like me and Nura and she's in Urbana and I'm like my hair is all scraggly. Yesterday was just a blur. I don't even know what I did. Probably hung over from the fourth maybe. I don't yeah I
I think I did. I worked on the deck. You do any fireworks? They did a bunch of fireworks like next door. I went on the road one time with Sam Talent and we went to uh Wisconsin. We bought a bunch of fireworks when we were in Indiana and then we're in Wisconsin. We tried to light one off and it was a big rocket.
We didn't have a tube so they just put it in the ground like in the dirt was soft and then they lit it and then the fire shot but it was stuck in the ground and then just exploded at like head level. My brother. We all hit behind the car and it shot sparks all over us. My brother my brother was telling me that his friend his friend got injured in a terrible fire. Oh yeah my my uh my my brother's wife's brother. I don't know what you call that. My sister-in-law's brother uh got hit with a
mortar and lost hearing and shit. He got hit in the back with it like blew up by his head. I think that's your cousin-in-law once removed or something. Yeah that's close. When they come to the once removed stuff I'm just like oh no this is this guy has no blood relation to me. I think he's my he's removed. He's my half brother's wife's half brother. So you're probably just as related to him as you are to like Charlemagne. Yeah Charlemagne to God. Yeah. Shout out to Leland he's a cool guy. I have
Charlemagne and uh. I don't even smoke where's my ash. I was looking at my 23 and B's. Yeah. And uh that the ash is an ashtray in the kitchen. I sure I'll grab it because oh wait look look down there. Oh no. Hold on um I want to grab. If I gave a fuck about a seach I'd always be broke. Um I want to grab a. I want to stand for a little bit. Hold on. I'm kind of into this. Like a new thing trying out for the pod. Here you go. Here you go. All right. No no no no. All right. I like
to be an off camera. I think it makes it more interesting like people are like what's going on. You know. Yeah. People have not been watching for a little bit. They zoned out all of a sudden. They're like where's what's Jason doing. Yeah he's standing up. He's why is he standing and spilling drink all over the ground. Uh huh. Well I'll grab the ashtray because I want to grab it on crustal wool. Okay. Get a napkin maybe. Yeah and let's get a single napkin. Get that much of coffee.
I used to work at a goddamn place uh school and the school it had to brown paper towel to clean up. You ever fuck around with the elementary school brown paper towel. Those don't do anything. I'm trying to think about what you could actually use them for. Like if you needed to smear paint around maybe like to paint something like because it doesn't absorb it's not absorb it. You might as well be taking like a like a roofing tile and trying to like wipe up a spill.
And here's the other thing about it. I was working with kindergarten through third so they spilled their milk cartons on the ground every single day. So I would have to do that. I would have to work with that brown paper towel every day and what you end up doing is you just take half the roll out every time. You just know it's like no no. But you learn when you're cleaning up a spill
basically uh you just use five times as much as you would of any other paper towel. The reasons the reason is so cheap is because they're acting like they're giving you a lot but every time you use it you have to use five times as much. Yeah I need that ashtray and also for my own home I need a cash tray because I have so much cash. I'm gonna keep it on a tray. All right what else I got something else written down here. Well this is for the Patreon so you
guys won't get to learn that unless you sign up. And uh do we mention that John Hickok comes on a girl's face it's like dropping a penny off a building under her. Yeah yeah it's like shoot yeah shooting it yeah so it is dangerous. Yeah very dangerous. So we can't do it. Shout out to all the women who have died. Are my sunglasses on my head? No. I feel like I'm in a different world right now. That's a cool show with black people. You ever watch that? The what? A different world. No.
It's like a sitcom black people black women in college. Okay and maybe they're living in the house. I always mix up a different world and the college one. There's like one where they're in a house and one where they're in college and some of the same actors. Full house uh college. No it's all black women. Oh um. One of the shows has Sinbad on it. Sister Sister. Young Sinbad that's my man. See why is he called Sinbad? Because I'm pretty sure Sinbad was like a pirate. Because you're
pretty sure sinning is good? No Sinbad was like a cool pirate. Yeah true. Like a like a Mediterranean pirate. Sinbad's just a name like Michael. That's not. I know more Sinbad's than Michael's. That's not true. Michael King Jr. probably one of the most famous. The original Michaels. Yeah one of the most famous civil rights people. Is it Michael the Archangel or some shit like that? Saint Michael. He's the Archangel. He's the patron saint of something. Who's a patron saint of good
and pussy? Um Dionysus. Dionysus? Yeah. Isn't that that uh. Whoa. Do you think he's a philosopher guy? No Dionysus was the god of partying and. Oh the god. Pleasure and sex. I'm thinking of who's the guy who like is like some people bury their dead and some people eat their dead. So there's no morality. Therefore there's no morality. I hear they are. You don't know that guy? Um no like what era is he from?
Diogenes. Have you ever heard of Diogenes? Diabetes? He was the original troll. You'd love this guy. He basically he like um. I think you told me about him once but tell me again. He was like a sophist kind of he was the original troll and he would piss people off like and I think even the way he like died he did some shit where he's like they put he made them put up like a statue of him in a place where it was like really disrespectful to the religion there or something like he just like
hated like the rules. That's pretty cool. And he was like a contrarian and a dickhead to everybody. Nice. Yeah. Um we should look yeah. Diogenes is yeah is basically the the god like the inspiration for this more or less. Yeah for being a dickhead to people. For good comedy. Um folks um if any any aspiring podcasters out there uh current podcasters if you ever want to eat and podcast at the same
time if you eat uncrustables it's almost unnoticeable. It's uncrustable. Because it's there's no crunch so it's like if someone's listening to the podcast somebody know you're eating an uncrustable. I've actually been working on putting on a crust on an uncrustable for years. Oh really? And I'm about to give up I think it might be uncrustable. You think I could do that on stage? It's really good. That's a 10 second five second clip.
All right I'm just going in the act. Sometimes it's just too good. How'd you do it? Uh I couldn't. What were you trying to do? I was about to give up. I've been trying to put a crust on it for years. So you're just putting crust you're just cutting crust off from normal bread? Yeah. Maybe you could prank someone who loves uncrustables just put crusts on. Oh I put crust on all your uncrustables. I'm an asshole. I'm like I'm torturing them.
It's like now getting somebody's backpack when you turn inside out and put all the books back in. I thought they were uncrustable. Um I'm getting more serious about my stand up a little bit. I'm trying to you know I've been complaining to my girlfriend a lot about how I'm a failure lately and she's like you're not a failure baby. I go bitch you don't know. I am. I get real serious. I go what do you know? You're not on my
Facebook seeing all my friends getting more successful than me. Wait so this is a new thing you complaining about? No same old thing. I'm just no longer letting her reassure me like she's been trying to do in the past. Okay gotcha. So you're coming to terms of being a failure trying to do something about it? Not coming to terms. Or you're gonna you're gonna make sure you're not a failure. I'm gonna try a little harder. Nice. Not really but I always try
hard but I think I'm gonna I was inspired by Sam's act. I'm gonna try and get my stand up act better or at least finished. Can we cut that out? I forget what I was gonna say. I want Sam Talent to publicly acknowledge that he likes me. He did he put a picture of you on his Instagram. Did he put it in his story? Yeah he put it in his story. Oh he did? Well I think he put like it's time for all Lundites to die and it was a picture of you wearing the Lund shirt. That's
fine. But it was like you know it was a loving hate. What do you call it? Love hate. He didn't repost. You guys are frenemies. He really doesn't want Ham Talent to get out I don't think. Yeah he doesn't want to know. Look I did his story. He said he's a good boomerang of him but it said it said Ham Talent in it and it uh and they shared that on Hubble Juggle I saw. Yeah he and Sherrick said and I had like three little piggy things on it. I don't think he wants to feel going Ham Talent.
He told me uh uh I said I like your new stuff. He goes yeah I've been working on a more serious act. I don't want to be known as the Toad Guy because you know his last special it's called like the Toad's Morale and the in the special the Toad is his penis. It's like he's talking about his penis for half the special. Calling it a Toad. And then I said would that be great. I can't wait for the reviews of your next special. The Toad Guy gets serious. Like they still call him the Toad Guy.
He's kind of telling me a similar thing when we were outside between shows um and and before his because he did way better second one um and I was like you do the same oh the same jokes and stuff and he was like yeah cool. Nice dude. There's a lot more of the conversation. Like some of that stuff a little bit. Well I just wanted to say that joke I had. I think the Toad gets serious. I think he was he said that was the point of my story. He's saying
your story didn't have a point. No he was kind of talking about he's trying to have a more structured act and less just less depending on crowd work. Yeah he should work on a more structured diet. Yeah he's too much crust that's the problem. Yeah put down the crust buddy. You've had enough. You've had enough dinner. You could probably. Shout out to Dale. He's had enough dinner for several lifetimes. How come all our successful
friends are fat as fuck. Actually Sam looked like he lost a little weight. Am I wrong? Oh yeah you're wrong. Kind of made me worry. Okay good. Made me worried. I don't want him to like come down. He needs to stay bigger than me. Well no. It's the only thing I have on him. No no no. I think you're getting I think you're bigger than him. I'm bigger than Sam? And he stayed the same yeah. Well he's taller than me isn't he? Yeah. I don't know. You think I'm fatter than Sam?
You think I weigh more? I think you're fatter. Just fatter? Yeah. I don't know that. I don't believe you. Yeah so he stayed the exact same. Let's do a poll. But you went from less. Okay we'll do a poll. He stayed the same but I went up. Okay well. Is that what you're saying? Yeah so just like how I never actually make the polls that Sam's gonna make. Yeah. You should make this poll and make the same. Yeah I'll make it just like you do. I'll make it. I'll get right on it. Guys
comment if you want more polls. Yeah if you watch this episode go ahead on to Patreon or go ahead on the YouTube and comment. Yeah. What you think? Oh actually I want to start saying on the free episodes to like hit the like button and subscribe to the channel. Do you think it helps us? Do you think I'm fatter in my... No. I don't talk to somebody more objective than you. I guess I can't trust you at
all. Why? Because you would lie to hurt me. Well right right. I mean that's like you. Right right. Right now you're wearing black to hide it. I'm wearing black to hide your fatness. I'm wearing a dinner roll shirt. I'm not hiding my fatness right now. I don't know. I'm celebrating dinner rolls. I don't know. The next episode we'll do we'll do no shirts and we'll kind of
look how to do it. I'll do a no shirt episode. I don't give a fuck. I've done it before. Yeah that used to be a segment we would do on uh we did hit do an episode of uh RoboCop 2 with a girl when we did shirts off time and she took off her shirt too because she was a psycho. Shout out to it was uh I'll tell you later. I don't need to bring up old shit. Where are the interviewees? Then she went live on Facebook. We were all basically naked doing a podcast.
Like she went just bra or she went full? Full. Full frontal? Yeah. Geez. It was crazy. That's awesome. Yeah. That show was fun. Every episode our guests would ask us to cut a bunch of stuff.
Really? Yeah. I think most of our guests know that we don't cut anything out. The worst thing we ever did I tell you the story is we gave a girl a interview and we gave her a borderline personality test that we found online and it was like 10 questions or 15 questions and she answered yes to every single question and then she goes what does that mean and we go anyway our next segment oh I do want to do it basically diagnosed her like she had no idea it was brutal. It was so
painful but it was like real art. Are there online IQ tests? I think so. That like I took a RU black test and it turns out I'm 58 percent. Really? Oddly. I've I got 100 doing that one. Yeah right. There's a bunch of black people in the comments like oh hell no I got a 50 percent. Yeah those are like those like like BuzzFeed ones right? Yeah it was that kind of shit. The kind of shit where you got to close four pop-ups in order to like actually take the test.
Let's uh let's go see if the interviews are waiting outside because yeah I don't know there could be a line forming for sure and you guys remember joining the AusKang gang back at the AusKang wallet AUSKANG type in an Amazon and promo code in Amazon we have an Amazon promo code guys. We have money for this? What? Sorry. Yeah. Do I get some of the money? Yeah we get some money. Okay. So so they so you get 45 percent off the promo code bad comedy in Amazon we know Jeff
Benzos okay. We're good friends with Jeff Benzos. So type in Jeff Benzos that's my dealer. It's called the smart wallet plus the best wallet. That's my dealer's name in my phone. It's literally the best wallet I've ever gotten. Cool steeper club.com promo code bad comedy as well. It's promo code bad comedy everywhere. Go to patreon.com promo code bad comedy. Should we put a promo code on our patreon? Go to promo code.com. Go to promo code.com slash bad comedy. Guys
patreon.com slash bad comedy it's 399 a month. That's I guess sent a week pretty much. Nothing. It's literally nothing and thank you so much for listening. This is a very exciting episode and then we're gonna have some interviews coming up. Those will be on patreon probably because we can't let you guys see that because that's got some behind the scenes stuff and then maybe we will add some of the podcast. Maybe we won't. We'll do a poll. Eddie do you have any final thoughts?
Actually we're just kind of pausing. We'll see you guys. No no we're gonna end this episode. It's an hour. Let's just end this. The next episode is on patreon. Jason Melton comedy.com. Jason Melton twitch. Cool Jason Melton on social media. Follow me at badboyofcomedy on all platforms and then go see Willie Nelson on September 7th and then catch our live show on September 8th. Yeah and then go see oh September 8th we have a date. I believe so. We should be advertising that. Well
it's early. It's still. Yeah. It can't hurt. Well it was in the email that you were changing. I didn't read it yet. From like a week ago. I remember the email. You have pretty quick response time to stuff. We go to that. I was busy. We're gonna start promoting more and we love you guys.