Hey everybody, welcome to bad comedy podcast. My name is bully Madison and I'm here with Dylan Mahler, Dylan Internet and coin shortage Alex D. Yeah. What's up folks? It's another beautiful day out in Maga country. That's where coin shortage here is from. She's a she's coach here of the RNC, the Republican National Committee. Congrats on the win. No, I didn't say that. Okay, congrats on winning this the smallest dick competition in Michigan.
It was actually it was the biggest dick competition in Michigan. Okay, whatever. It's fine. All right. All right. So I was thinking about something. Well, I do have some bad news, but we can talk about that later. I was thinking about, isn't it how gay is it being nice? Being nice? There's this trend going around. I accidentally was nice one time. And I was, I was like, I shouldn't have been nice because then they started talking to me. Like, like, like they,
they attempted suicide the night before. Okay. Oh, I hate when I have to say something reassuring the next day because they made a whole video the next day. Oh, I messaged them and they just kept messaging me and I was like, was it private or public? Was it? It was a like a cry for help or was it like a direct message for help? But I probably messaged them and then they started just messaging me a bunch. And then I was like, probably just do it.
Yeah, you should probably do it. I don't know. I had a friend who literally did that in high school and I'm not going to call them out. But yeah, I literally generally happened. Yeah. But it was like, what did they say to someone that they knew was just like, like they just like kept, they kept going up to them and being like, I just, I'm really sad. I really want to kill myself. Like I really want to, and then, and then he was like, just,
just sorry. Oh yeah, it's a huge. It's like, just do it. Is the girl the crowd? Yeah. It's like, this is math class in high school. Like, yeah, you can't be a boy or a girl a crowd wolf too much, right? Because then people aren't going to come and the wolves actually there. You know, that's the old adage. What? The old adage that look at adage. It's a word. No, wait, what does that even mean? No, that phrase. No, the whole entire the boy or crowd
wolf. Yeah. So it's a story about a boy. No, I understand. There's wolf. And then it turns out the whole time there wasn't a wolf every time. And then people he did it all the time. And then one time there was a wolf. Added. Yeah. It's like the opposite of the question. I don't know. I don't know. It's like a old to go. Oh, fuck you. There's a magazine called adage. What does it mean? A proverb or short statement expressing a general truth. There
we go. I like what do we do? I like proverbs more than like adverbs, because like they're like the professional version, kind of like pronouns, like pronouns more than nouns. Yeah, because it's like the pro. I'm more of a premium noun gal. Yeah, the upgraded version. Yeah, I yeah. A lot of pronouns these days, huh? I was thinking we should rank like there should be one of those things like what's the worst racism, sexism. I mean, yeah, I
think it's like black racism. And then you can go to like, I'm a homophobia. You can literally only talk about Italians. Yeah, so you know how Dylan for a long time I've been trying to get rid of synonyms in general on the full thesaurus. Oh, yeah, that's kind of part of my agenda. Yes, part of my agenda. And I had a mandate to get this done. So now I have to I said I'm deleting most words goes on a lot of mandates. Yeah, which words are
you censoring? I'm just getting rid of words that are we don't need. So I'm getting rid of all pronouns. It's just dude. All right, he's a dude. She's a dude. We're all dudes. I like that. So that's easy right there. Yeah, whatever you are, you can't express yourself. Well, you can use no dude. Yeah, girls are dudes that dudes are dudes. Everyone's dude. You don't need to express yourself with a pronoun. Right. So and then if everyone has
the same one, then there's no reason to what is it? Well, yeah, what if like, all right, keep going fuck it. No matter what you're dude. So and I also want to get rid of some words like syncophan. That's one of my first to get rid of xenophobic. I don't know what that means. No one knows what that means. You're afraid of immigrants. No. And what it means, right? It's something. Yeah, it's like you're like people not in the
technical means alien like Xeno alien. Yeah, let's get rid of that word. It's it's dumb. We cried. Let's get rid of the word. About unprecedented. Let's get rid of the word novel. Let's get. Oh, I like that one. Well, I'm not wrong. Not like a book. Like new like like the novel coronavirus. Great book. What's wrong with that? Not everything has to be novel. You can use a different word. Mandate the window. Yeah, you can go on a date with
a man if you want, but it's not a mandate. It's a date. What else? What the heck? I think I had some more. I wrote them down. It's like, hold on. Let me find the boo. Yeah, they got the teacher. Tranko. Yeah, I told you it's hard. What did you pay for this app? Quagmire, the word Quagmire. But not the family guy. Not the character owns. No, not the character. Okay, when did you see the word? I've been hearing on the news a lot. People people.
How people explain the pull up from Afghanistan? A quagmire, a quagmire. Yeah. Well, that's kind of downplaying it. What? No, it's not help your ear case. No, a quagmire means like a huge boondoggle another word we need to get rid of. Well, yeah, it means just like a massive fuck up. Yeah. I like that. We'll get rid of quagmire boondoggle. You're fired. I don't even know. I don't like that one. I'm gonna say to all the synonyms. Is you're
fired. So what about like, like the simple ones like hot, cold, big, small, those stay. Okay, so the simple like five little words probably do will probably do little instead of small. Anything three letters or little, little, little. Yeah, but there doesn't need to have a little small, tiny puny. It's pointless. Okay, large, huge, big, huge, huge, huge. That's what they actually said at the Michigan Dick Contest about my call back call. That's
a call back. Yeah, folks. You ever heard of that? I'm I take I take stand up comedy classes at Chicago comedy.com. Chicago. Have you seen those billboards? No, you haven't seen those like signs that are like randomly placed around about like comedy, Dan Cassis, like comedy, comedy, Dan Cassis. All right. I think I have seen those. Yeah. I don't know. Are there
one about Chris Piggins? I kind of want to do commie. Maybe I'm not sure I kind of want I kind of want to check it out just to see who runs it because it has to be someone affiliated with Lincoln law. I'm not sure maybe I don't want to pay though. It could be someone they do stand up classes second city that don't teach you how to be funny. I think it's funny to virtue signal on teaching classes ripping people off like you're like, what's her name
Angie McMahon? I want to I want to hold the class like that. She's like women are women are funny. And also they should give me money to teach them how to do stand up. And she also harasses the shit out of me or she would to get on to get booked on shows. Yeah, she messaged me her availability and I don't book anything. Guess what I did not respond. I don't think I just sent you an email. I don't look girls. I just looked dando CMO. Yeah,
I want yeah, I want danda CMO to host everything. I mean, if you get a non binary person that counts as like three things. So you can just have the rest all be other white males. Um, favorite sound effects. It is pretty funny on the south side show that PD runs he pretty much just books white males. Yeah, but it's too far for the girls. The girls like it's so far. I gotta get my can I get my makeup on. Wait, which fucking show and then I have to rollerblade there.
It's the show on the south side doesn't imply the riddles the riddles. It's a bar. Hello, the bar show. So he can't get girls to do the show because they're like, it's too far. I'll do I'll do it for money. I gotta put my makeup on and rollerblade. There's no girls. Yeah, every girl rollerblades. That's what I thought. And it's listen to Blondie. Yeah. They're like, they're like shit, I can't drink beer. I got to drink this white claw.
Yeah. And vodka. Yeah, I love vodka. So my impression of a girl, I just want to have fun. Who wants to do vodka shots? I got a vodka water. I got a vodka water lime. Oh, man, vodka water with lime. That's way too many calories. What the fuck? That's what all the bitches wanted in college. Oh, oh, what? Yeah, now we're all just sober. We're all lame. I'm not sober. I hate me and sober. Why? You want to talk about it? Yeah. Well,
I'm sad. I'm sad. Sometimes we like to do one of my best friends died today. Chris Grieva. Let's grieve. Rest in power. You don't even know he's he was a good friend. Let's grieve. When nice. No, I got a call real griever. I mean, I'm what about Chris Mourna? Honestly, I don't know why you're joking about this. Oh, okay. My friend died. And I just wanted to let you guys can I see a photo of him? My friend, the crusher, he let me know
that Chris Grieva died in his sleep. It was somehow a hot dog related. So either you have his pants down to either choke. So I think what happened was probably get a picture of that he was eating. He was eating a bunch of hot dogs because he normally does that. And then I think that he was choking, but everyone assumed he was having a heart attack because he's fat. And then then he died from choking is kind of what I gathered. But I
can you generate that but I called Chris Grieva and he said he that's not how he died. So how do you die? Oh, my God. Did you see the news about the chainsaw? No, the guy the fucking chainsaw when he got shot. He got he was like a nursery. It was like I think it was like literally an old guy too. Like it was like one of the people at the fucking like hospice like a nursing home that yeah and then the cops like just shot him. And that was it.
Like a chain like wielded a fucking chainsaw. It's okay. It's kind of your inner frame. Like it's like a dirty angle. I'm too tall. Like it's like I'm in film school. He moved his seat up to be cool. Yeah, I'm all the way. It's not it's it's like it's like over the shoulder negotiation to Fibonacci sequence. I love golden ratio. It's self referential and continuous. It's a nice picture of Greece. Greece Greece Greece Greece Greece Greece
Greece. I don't know what you're making fun of my my dead fat dude with his pants. I don't I just probably what do you know what my reaction was once I heard that Chris Grieva died from the crusher. He like literally didn't die though. You know right. Well, I don't know him. I whenever there was a post that he died and people were saying rest in peace Chris Grieva. So when I heard you call can call. No he's dead. I couldn't pick up. How do you call
a dead guy. Just listen to his voicemail. He can hear his voice one more time. Alright, so the first thing I thought was where am I going to stay when I perform in Pittsburgh. Because it's your life. I was like how am I gonna I'm not gonna really get booked out there as easily. Even though I yeah what can happen your world tours. Yeah, that was what I thought of the most. You better help PDs. Okay. Yeah, I gotta check on PD or some out
of places to start from scratch. Yep. I got one. I got the comedy bar and PD and Pittsburgh. Those are the three places I went the fuck is PD PD. PD Rodriguez is a guy. Oh, he's a show on the South side that girls won't roll a blade to. Oh, yeah. It's all connected. Do you ever roller skate? And why is the answer? Yes. Yeah. I did. And bitch, I was going through it and it was like a discounted sale on these beautiful roller skates. And I'm like, dang,
I really just I really just should try this and then I did. Yeah. And then yeah. And then every time I would like I tried it on the 606 and just I would fucking eat cement. Yeah, it's so sad. I bust I bust my shit and I was like, okay, you know what, this would be funny if I made a video of me busting my shit. But then I was too afraid to fall like on purpose. I'm such a fucking coward. Because a lot of experience. I did a bunch of catamine with
the Albers is and Brandon and we walked this is a joke. No. And we walked down the 606 and we thought it was like like Jurassic Park, like a jungle. It was it was in the summer. Yeah, we walked we walked like 100 miles, I think that's what rainforest and it's like 5am and like people are like biking to work. Holy fuck. Did you scare him? We were just walking around tweaking. Probably. Yeah, they probably thought we were zombies. I'm tweaking
out man. Yeah, I don't know. I've never done catamine. Those are those are that's like with the wine drunk. I probably will never do all it is is the opposite of cocaine. I actually need a cat. It sounds miserable. I'm trying to what's what I saw an advertisement for if you've been affected by if he did anything to you. And so I need some catamine to try to unlock if I've repressed any memories. Yeah, I think yeah star, baby. I think you
might have been a victim. I saw that lawsuit too. And I thought about pretending that I was a victim just that I could get some money. You know, people do that all the time. There's some good. Yeah, they check out your profile. Yeah. And they're like, dang, I don't think he did he would like fuck with you. I was pretty sad when I saw the line. I think you're lying. No, he grape. He grape to me. There's a real he read the party. That's not funny.
That's not funny. That's not funny. That's not funny. Maybe it is. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. Maybe it's funny because it's awful. Hey, what's up, Mac? You want to try this dream comedy? He said it's not going to knock you out. And I said, okay, they knocked me out. I woke up and I got great. I was covered in. I think I just got great. Yeah. And then I tried to try to walk out of this house, but my feet were covered in
blue. I slipped. I slipped and just like flew up like a cartoon on my back. And I was like, what the heck? Just like a banana or something. No, because my feet was blue on my feet. Okay. And then I just kept like falling and sliding everywhere because there's a loop everywhere. Oh, yeah. But now I'm going to press charges. So there's not a banana. No, no, it was no, I wouldn't say that. There's a there's a lot of there was a banana I think
involved for while I was knocked out. This is the potassium you ever seen, honey. I shrunk the kids. I think I got Gilbert Grape. And it's like who's eating Gilbert Grape? Turns out it was Puff Daddy. I got Adam Gilbert Grape. What movie were you watching? Yeah. I want to know that. Yeah. Not Leo's Best Work. What's your what's your favorite P Diddy song? Adam Gilbert. Probably ain't nobody gonna hold me down or whatever. I like I like
a whoa. What? I like more money and more problems. True that. That's about it. It's like when you have all these blackmail tapes of you. Gilbert Grape man. He's like those are the problems. What about you? I don't every I'll be missing you. So what all of the songs are just they're not even they're just the original song and then other people rapping over it and he's like the kingpin. Yeah, he doesn't have any songs where it's just him. I feel
like I think that he has like albums but then none of the songs are ever just him. Yeah, because he has that one song last night. Couldn't even get an answer. But then there's a girl in it. He changed it from P Diddy to Diddy. Yeah, I think his name changes before that. My theory is that well, he's like a reason he's changing them like related to all the darkness because he there was like some guy that basically I think kind of griped him.
There's this like record producer that he basically was griped by the West Coast. Wait, the West Coast one. You talking about Shug Knight? No, it was like this old guy that P Diddy hung out with and I think that that guy did what he's doing to other people. There's a big conspiracy that basically Wow, there's a big conspiracy. You're way to the top that that should night and P Diddy had to park and Biggie both killed. Yeah, I think he's
not even a conspiracy anymore. Definitely paid a guy a million who did he? Yeah, like he said, did he did he did he did he do that? So isn't how that's how gay is it being nice? I want to go back to that. I mean, you know, I mean, sometimes these gay guys, it's on a spectrum like being gay. How is it? How how gay is it if you're a straight guy being nice? Um, okay, this is like, what is what is someone's being super nice? I think if
you're a mean gay person, you're generally kind. And if you're a mean straight person, you're generally a mean straight person. I don't mean it doesn't have to be to I think polar sides. Just being nice. No, it's like a graph, though. I'm pretty sure like, well, there's like a spectrum of nice and mean. Yeah. And there's a difference between being kind and nice. That's like the big thing. Everyone's like, Oh, I'm kind, but I'm not
nice. Like nice is like, kind is kind might be gay or I do. Yeah, kind, like, kind regards, like when people say that shit to me, I'm like, they're so I'm like shut your damn mouth. Yeah, or like, we're saying since last day. Yeah, have a blessed day. Yeah. Okay. Bless these nuts. Have a blessed day. But now like, yeah, it's just it is gay, but gay is okay. And that's why they expelled Lucifer from heaven is because he was gay. Play went to
hell. No, he was pansexual. He was pansexual. You fuck you fuck pans. He slimed God that one day. Oh, that's why he slammed God. I forgot about that. That joke's like 10 years old. A little bit too much. Not even it's like not even. It's actually older than the universe. Actually, the new to our listeners. That was not via group chat. But so you got to pretend like the group chat has never happened. That's we can say jokes like we just came
up with them. chaos. chaos. We need to get rid of kind or nice. Yeah, so it was a two strike rule they haven't had. So what happened was Lucifer is gay and God didn't like that. And then Lucifer as a prank, it's lying to God. Nickelodeon style and God was pissed. He's not a big sense humor. Send him down to hell. And then he became Satan and ran out. So it turns out yeah, what he's just a cool guy now. What chapter is that? I think
that's Proverbs two forty nine delta. Trap. Fox Trap. Oh, man, I've never been a Fox Trot. I've heard. I think Lucifer fucking was the reason why I shut down. I've never seen a Fox Trot. Yeah, that's a really gay story. You want to talk about? Trot. Let me just trot to Fox Trot my way there. No, what about Fox Trot? There's another great word. It's
kind of like trotting. It's a I would have rolled her blade. What's what do you call it if you're like running around like this and just like jumping and skipping galloping and not galloping prancing and prancing. Oh, prancing. That Wow. That Wow. That's what I've been doing all day. I'm a little tired. I was prancing around Humboldt Park. I got threatened. You got humbled. Yeah, I did. I feel certain to kill me for being super
lame. Yeah, no, I mean, I feel like Humboldt Park. It's really there's no in between. They're either like the most hipstery fucking person from like a wealthy ass China or you're like stuck there because your family can't move. Yeah, that's more Logan Square is a little more hipster. Here it's like here it's like like either completely hood or completely.
Yeah, that's why I'm trying to say more more yuppie than hipster. So more like this neighborhood skip the hipster phase because normally the hipsters come in to the bad neighborhoods to be ironic. Yeah, and then they are the foundation for gentrification like me. Like I'm a gentrifier. I colonize this area. But I mean, I did it. I did it without even the hipsters leading the way for me. They led the way in Logan Square and Wicker Park to actually so park
with us pretty nice. What they do is their hipsters are kind of the pilgrims of so they're actually the worst because most of the time gentrification wouldn't happen if it weren't for hipsters landing there first. It's just I don't know. So it's like the pilgrims landing on America every time. Yeah. And then the gentrification is a British empire that comes after. Yeah, and they kill the Native Americans. No, we're your ancestors. I don't know. I
got to call them. You're Polish. They're yeah, colonizer. I apparently this is my dad's fucking nuts though. Apparently everybody was colonizers at some point. Especially not me. We were all probably our ancestors were all slaves at some point to where we're all wearing chains, right? You used to be mostly I guess we're still wearing chains, huh? We're all slaves at one point. I'm more like a scavenger than a colonizer.
Scavenger. I'm kind of more of a nomad. IMO. No, no, man. Yeah, all these numbers and symbols is identified to me. It like doesn't actually match who I am. And it's like the government telling me that this is my social security. Sure. It's 43812. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. That's the fuck you. Right. That's what the vaccine makes you do. I told you about the side effects. I can't stop getting the boost. It makes you say it.
It makes you say your social security. Moderna, dude. I love Moderna so much. Give me more of that. Moderna. I keep taking them. I'm just like six feet. Yeah. I love how postmodern. It feels so great. Like have you ever played one of those like video? Sorry, wait, that's I have. I played that. No, it's because I'm high on this cart. I know you're talking about it. Definitely has fentanyl or something in it. Anyway, but no, like Dave and Buster.
Yeah. What the fuck do you want from me? I knew I know Dave. I never met Buster. Yeah, I have about Dave and boost. He's in the back. Even booster shop. You got to pay a little extra. Yeah. He'll be already for some Boston. I love I love Pfizer too. That's a good company. Pfizer just felt way too uppity for me. It was like Pfizer. It's like shut up. Fuck you. Moderna was like Moderna. Like, oh, no, Moderna is a fancy sounding Moderna. No, no, Pfizer
is like Pfizer. Like that's like like, like chill, chill the fuck. Yeah. Oh, I'm gonna rather. Yeah, I was playing with my cats the other day. I was having them practice hailing. Yeah. Nice. It's pretty cute. They're a little too good at it. That happens though. Yeah, little kitlers, little killers. Little baby, Hitler. I miss I miss Josie. I want to be a dog back. Josie never would hail, right? Josie would hail sometimes. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, it's a when there's bad weather, she would hail. Yeah, because you get a little bit more racist when you experience bad weather. Yeah. That's like that's why I think of like a rainy day thing to do. Just get a little bit more intolerant in your head. Yeah. Because you just kind of upset about the way it is like translated to some group of people. Exactly. I mean, I never get depressed because instead of that, I translate it into like extremist
anger and hate. You know, that's kind of like a good way to kind of channel your stress and depression is turned it into like really terrible hate. It makes a lot of sense and it resonates with me, I think. Yeah, it's kind of like yeah. The outsourcing kind of exactly. It's like the four hour work week. Yeah, pretty much. It's kind of like it's like you be you be I what your verse will basically you be I you by you be you be I
by sex are you me you be I always be buying. Yeah, I was a ABB. I was thinking one time about how sales tactics people buy a story, you know, they buy they like the salesperson. Yeah. So in a way, people buy people they do and they do. Yeah. So imagine being a salesman, you're trying to sell kid. Yeah. Easy sell. Yeah. I my sales skills, I could sell kids. Yeah. Easily. I mean, if you're an adoption agent, agent, the only thing something is
that I need the kids. Yeah, that is funny. We still sell people. You just adoption is you sell yourself. You could sell your organs and you can do that. But you can also yeah, if you're a woman, you can be an incubator. The best thing about being an organ donor, you know, is when like you're they declare your brain dead, we really not but they still like take you away and put you down as they get organs. Or in my case, they're just like,
no, we you can't sell. We don't want your yeah, for me, though, like those lungs are toast. Use it for science. Yeah, use it to see how someone's lungs get this bad. Use it to scare kids. Thomas, you put that picture on packs of cigarettes. Yeah. This is what your lungs will look like if you don't smoke. This is what your looks will long like. Nathan Lund. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever? Yes. Sorry. That was like the sound of Alex sitting
down. Would you ever do guys? Do you ever donate a kidney to someone? Hell no. Not even one. Hell no. Maybe I was trying to have them literally me be inside of them. You know what I'm trying to say? So you have to have sex with them while the transplant is going on. I know, but if I'm really into them, I would give them a kidney. If one of my cats. Yeah. I actually like they can have mine. Dylan, that won't work. Give them to that's not no, because
you're human. What's wrong with your cat? Nothing. Oh, okay. Fuck me. I guess. I just think if they needed my kidney, I would give it. What's your cat's name? I have two. So the black one is Sabbath. Black Sabbath. Oh, funny. Orange one is Floyd. Orange Floyd. That's good. Not Garfield. No. Why not Garfield? There's not movement about Garfield. Yeah. What the fuck are you trying to say? Orange lives matter. Remember the Orange Floyd movement?
Backing? Yeah. Hit me like a ton of bricks one day. I had already named the black ones Sabbath. I remember the Orange Floyd thing. You should have named them like Dante Devonte. I had no choice. The matter. Yeah, even what? Dante is inferno. He believed in volcanoes. I like volcanoes. Do you like volcanoes? More of a geyser type of gal. Geyser. More of a geyser. Yeah, that's a Pfizer's name for I was going to say. Have you been to Yellowstone?
No. This jacket, it's giving Pfizer. Really? It's from fucking... Let me say Pfizer. Just a sentence. Let me just say a fucking sentence. It won't stop. Okay, there it is. Thank you. Her whole acorn account is in Pfizer. Go ahead. Tell us. Notice the ladybug shirt. Why not a malebug? Yeah. You feminist? I bought this at New York and it was like way too expensive and it was called... It's from only New York. A store
called New York? Yeah. It's called only New York and New York. I was in New York. Oh, it's in New York. Yeah, it was like three years ago. It was like two years ago. A lot of listeners don't know but this is our New York studio. Our New York City studio. I love New York. Yeah, unique New York. Great show. Folks, if you're a first time listener, you got to keep listening and if you're a multi-time listener, then join patreon.com
slash bad comedy. I just want to apologize. Those are the better episodes are. Oh my god. If you're a first-time listener, then this is the first day of the rest of your life and... Apologize because of an ad or what? I call them a rad. I would always ruin the ads because I'm so punk rock and I don't sell out and then I realize maybe I shouldn't ruin the ads because it's pissed me off. Yeah, when you're in the ads, I'm like... We're
just trying to make a little bit of money. No, we just want to make the army larger of baddies. Yeah. Do you like... So now you're part of a network where if hell breaks loose, which I think it's probably going to break loose. Yeah, we have an army, so you have an army. Nice. Yeah. So we got our guy coming over later. So yeah, so baddies get to protect coin shortage now. All costs. Take bullets for her. Yeah, they take bullets for us. Even
if there aren't any, find a guy and then dive in front of that bullet. Yeah. Yeah, stand up for us. Dude, I'm going to fucking bomb this place. Yes, that's the energy. So you look so cool. Talking about bombing this place. Yeah, you've already been kind of bombing all day on this place. Oh, my God. Everyone hates that pun. It's just too overdone. What about the Unibrowmer? Like every Broward comic. More like Unibrower. I feel like I'm bombing
right now. Unibrow. What about Unibrowers? The Unibrower. Unibrowers. Yes. Ted Kizinski more like that. Ted Kizinski. About a hiding like Ted Kizinski because he's crappy. What about the Unibrow? Tina's costume. She had a Unibrow and Halloween. I didn't notice. Who's that Oklahoma city bomber that got framed for doing it? Didn't really do it. It was Bill Clinton. Thanks. I don't know. I've mind she's becoming a bee. I've minds think alike.
That's what we always say. Is that it's kind of kind of profound. Man, it's a novel. It's pretty novel in my opinion. I fucking I have a few of these. Did you know? Did you know that? We talked about that. We did. I talked about how. Oh, man, I was really drunk. I talked about how your fear of bees was not it was unfounded and mine made more sense because they had to take by hive bees. I stuck my glove in a baseball net as a child and there's
a bee. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, you guys are. He also hit his sister in the head of the school bit. I'm in a little bit. Okay. Pissing me off that day. And yeah, she's okay. He was like, I want her to be like me. She bullied me hard. Sorry, folks, I dropped the board. Your ACT score. I was 25. All right, one attempt. What was yours? Nothing. Oh, it's because it was more. It was so high. You don't want to make us feel bad. Yeah. 36. You got
36. Yeah. Okay. And what was that was on the IQ. I went to what that was on the IQ. No, that was on the ACT. I went to Stanford. Stanford. I always like to bring IQ test. What did you study? Well, I thought I thought it was a car college. I thought it was standing for Ford. And then so I dropped out. I fucking hate when the app. Yes, I went to Harvard
and then it was pretty hard. So then I went to University of Iowa instead. I went to a lot of colleges, but I have my master's in, you know, farming and business, like all sorts of things like racing, agriculture, most sciences like physics. I was really one. Yeah, medical law, political science, political law, policy side. Yeah, we call it policy. We always call policy for short. It's kind of cool. It was like a little inside joke we all had. It's
just easier to say. Yeah, but how'd you hear about the inside joke we all had in policy science major? I was eavesdropping. I thought that was an art school. I had a classic mix up. Turned out it was policy. It's probably a policy op. They're probably doing multiple psyops on you. A bunch of psyops at once. A lot of experiments. Yeah, schools really fucked up if you really think about it. Yeah, it's like they brainwash you. I got a conservative
arts degree. They have selective information. Oh, nice. I got a conservative arts. Yeah. I got a degree in weaving like painting Donald Trump as a class. Yeah. It's like knitting American flags. It's like basically Hobby Lobby. No, it's also you shoot guns. Hobby. It's a lifestyle. I really like Hobby Lobby, but walking in there is like, well, I learned
a lot about building because we practice building walls and stuff like that. And we also, you know, learned how to they teach you a different type of writing where you do like all caps in certain areas of emphasis for tweeting, you know, and then also we learned how to, well, it's xing now. We learned how to I think this is called tweeting. No, it's xing because the liberals would use Twitter. No, it's xing. It's sexing. And I'm like a
man. Oh, we did something about building walls and Twitter. That's not Twitter. So we learned how to learn how to tweet in a threatening way or a mean way. Did you use 4chan? I use 5chan level five. Yeah. And I've never been on 4chan or 8chan. I've only been on the second one. Yeah. That one was kind of a I couldn't really never I could never really get into a tumbler. I couldn't really tumbler. Pinterest. I lost Pinterest. Nice. I lost the app. I
love Pinterest. I find so many graphs on there. I did too. I did too, but I lost lost Pinterest. I don't know where the app went. What kind of guy was on my home? I kind of like made for like, like 30 year old, like, moms who have nothing better to do other than like craft and the best products. I'm pretty much like, yeah, and I wait really? Yeah. I'm 31. What are you crafting? I made do epoxy. He's obsessed with epoxy. Oh my God. He's got his
teeth on epoxy. epoxy this table. He chipped his tooth. He boxy. That's awesome. Wait, what was that for? What? You you epoxy this? Yes. Wait, did you like hold on? No, wait, you say that's okay. But no, that's like beautiful. You wait. Did you chop this? Did you chop this dollar up? Well, it was really expensive. So I had to go to the mint. Uh huh. And I had to pay I use some around $50 million for that. Like
this huge dollar bill, $100 bill. Yeah, you know, series 2006. That's what that's worth. It's like, it's like, worth its weight in gold. And it's really heavy. The table. You went to UPS and you were like, can you print out a huge dollar bill? I'm going to put it in a table. You know why that's not true? Because I didn't go to UPS and it's also not a dollar bill. No, it's 100. Yeah, you said a dollar bill. That's girl math. Yeah. Whatever.
So you actually your landlord's like, how much is rent? They're like $800 a month. And you're like, okay, and you can make dollars. Because you think a dollar and $100 is the same thing. They're both dollar bill. I do. I do do that a lot. I do that a lot. I'm not even fucking joking. I like, I'm like, shit, I got to do the dishes. I only have like only one dish. And it's like, and then and then I'm like, oh, I can't get through
my kitchen. Girls are just like, I know, and I'm just I'm just useless. Like, I don't even know how to really, I don't know how to do like a sandwich. How do you do a sandwich? What even is a sandwich? I think I've heard it before. I've get it. I've heard it like getting yelled at me. Sandwich. Make a sandwich. Dando seem a yelled yelled about sandwiches on Instagram. He was talking about what's what's their joke. Something with the Earl
of sandwich was the first guy who invented the sandwich about a little bill. Wait, I'm going to watch the real right now. Okay. Should I then to see mo looks like non binary Mozart a little bit. You're going on a binary Mozart a little bit. Fucking bad ass. Yeah, bad ass, dude. He's got a fucking sit in front of their face. It's like him just talking. It's like my friend. No, he's like, I got a sandwich. He's like, I got a sandwich. No, he's like
they talk about religion a lot. He's like, I'm gay. If you don't like sandwiches, you're gay. Fire religion jokes. But then I heard that in Wisconsin, if you're talking about that, or you should have our religion, people, that's the thing that they just or the Bible about accept. Yeah, dude, people like God. Yeah, I talk about my God like that. Yeah. My God is just watching Dan those seamos reels on this podcast. I'm like, gosh, they're so
funny. You know what? Sometimes we like to put our own reels up and have the guest. Yeah, we did that one episode. It's pretty sweet. I checked this one. We just lost my reels. Oh my gosh, I want to go pro like an open mic this week. I might do that accident one time I had my phone in my pocket like filming but just to record the sound and it was like it looked really cool. But then I was like, I'm these people aren't agreeing to be on
camera right now. I secretly wear a GoPro at a meetings. Oh, just kind of like because I want to I want to make a documentary about all these people's stories. I'm not going to tell them about it. And then I'm going to, you know, put it out. Yeah, I'll put their names in the credits over and knows who it is. Yeah, because I want them to get the credit they deserve for all their stories from a literally carry on gift that keeps on given
a no like fucking that's what America's all about. I'll put their name, their address for them to express themselves. And then I'll put together, you know, maybe like a crime task force to if they confessed any crimes. You know, yeah, because I got a whole mccountable to you know, like you can give them their five minutes of fame in my movie. But then you get a hold of mccountable if they're anonymous secrets that I'm releasing. Yeah,
put their date of birth, their credit card. Yeah, so social. Yeah. Or if or call them out if they don't have a social, you know, if they're an illegal immigrant, love credit card. Yeah, we love credit cards. I love credit cards. I love being like a Wayne credit. Being in credit card debt is great. Oh my God. It's just something like this. I have a discover. Is it the it? Yeah. That's what I call most people that sit around binary.
I was free today. So I call it. Or some it is it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that it never sounds like it's pretty sure we talked about earlier that all pronouns are going away. So everyone's dude. I like, I have, yeah, like if they're non binary, I think that I don't want to be labeled as either one. But then we're like, all right, you're this one. I think Dan is cool with dude because girls call each other dude sometimes and stuff.
I think Dan Dan is cool with dude, but not like not like bro or man, but only because Dan says like stuff rules. I say, what's up, bro Han man, dude. You're so masculine. Yeah, I just shove them in the box. I said, I said, you're the man doce emo. Get in the box. I mean, their name is very yeah, like they need a cigar. Yeah, it should be like Daniel or Daniel at least. Then Daniel's kind of binary Daniel with two L's but no
E at the end. How about that? Yeah. Daniel start Daniel, Daniel, the Lewis, Patrick done done. Don't see you on a dime, Daniel, Dom, Dom, Daniel, my God, if he was European, but you got the white, you're wearing white shoes, Daniel. The video was Dom, Daniel, Dom, am I going to be like this forever? No, what are those? Ever like, like, like just sit there and just kind of think about stuff. Yeah, sometimes I'm I'd be thinking he's not thinking. No, I got to put a fucking YouTube like I got
to watch something 24 seven. I got to watch like someone like talking to my ear and being like the latest Joker to movie is like some of those lines. Yeah, what I like to do is watch the like a short like real or an X a video on X like saying an opinion and then I just respond to the phone and with my copy exactly what it says. I just say I give my argument to the phone. I talk to my phone. I say actually I think this. Yeah, dude, my
dad. You ever do that? No, he had rumble, though. Remember that? I'll say dad. Rumble appreciates free speech. No, brumbles still rumble. It's like an app. I don't even know if it exists anymore, but like it's like an app where you literally just like pick a topic to debate about and it's all like conservative people. So they're like, I agree. I agree. And like the whole point is that you're supposed to be bumping
in heads. And it's just like they basically just like gathered all these fucking people who are basically like my dad who are like, man, I just got like ran about immigrants somewhere and it just became basically X. Yeah. Well, X is actually half and half now. Yeah, it is. No, I don't really I don't know. I like Twitter. I think I just showed up way too late to the game. I think what you did is you were watching all of the conservative
stuff. So the algorithm is sending you conservative stuff. So it looks like, I mean, no, obviously conservative. No, I think I know I literally just have like fucking 35 followers on there because I like started it like I mean, it's gonna leak two years ago and then I just gave up. I don't get it. I mean, you're the coach or the RNC. So I'm sure you do have some like right leaning belief. Yeah, I feed him really well. What do you want me to say? I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck that even means. RNC. It's easy as one, two. What am what are you addressing me as right now? My school fucking failed me. Well, I was saying that you all the left social media failed. I'm saying you're the top level of the Republican Party. Mark Zuckerberg. Who's actually right now? Eric Trump's wife or someone else? Do I look like her? No. Okay, well, I don't know. All girls look like kind of like Chinese people. Yeah. You know, I'll be long hair. Yeah,
long hair. And they're all like, they're all blading and shit. I'm gonna have like pixie cats. They got makeup on shit. Yeah, chill to swim. Swinton. Yeah. I think all girls who use that to be the same long hair, they wear makeup on a roll of bleeding. What's your opinion on and they chew gum and the microphone for girls that now I can take a do Molly at a festival. Do you do that? I don't do Molly. I feel like I'd get like
I don't do pills because I feel like I just go way to ham. Dr. Pill. Yeah, actually, the reason that this girl stopped doing it at a roll just pretty bad. She told me on accident. Thank you. Inspiration. I did Molly at a concert. I had sex with a girl named Molly in the Porta Poti in Palo Paloza. Okay. Claimed a fame. I did Molly. Amazing. You can go. You can find that you wrote in the or you love or was it just like a situation? Yes, lost.
You got a you got a call that number is in the pristine Porta Poti. Jesus never known talking about was that where it's like eight, eight, three dash truth. That's these are people. Truth social. That's the phone number when there would be a guy like yelling about Jesus in public. When I was a kid, I would like stand there and like debate with them and I'd be like, you have no evidence of I don't know why I would be like the kid arguing
like logic points to like the guy when was he did he Charlie Kirk you? I think we did change each other's opinion. I don't think you change his opinion if he's going on campus to breathe. Oh, you guys got to do that. You guys got to have like a booth outside and just start yelling all of your fucking conspiracy theories. I'm level five change my mind. So people level. No one's gonna get like that's too niche. But like, you know, no, oh, this
let's see it. We make it the zeitgeist by just saying it over and over. We've created eventually level five. Are you banning zeitgeist? I don't even know. I'm pretty sure that bad comedy if you're a regular bad comedy listener you're in a new zeitgeist. And you're bad. That's another word that's going away by the way. So use it what you can. God bless. I fucking hate that word zeitgeist. It's like my goodness gracious. And we're back. Ladies
and gentlemen, I'm trying. I'm trying to have a good time. You're so good wholesome time. Yeah, this is no use. I'm trying to keep this PG. I swore way too much Swiss Swiss cheese is flipping dang it Swiss cheese is pretty wholesome. Isn't it? Yeah, what the heck? It's pretty Swiss cheese is very wholesome. Fuck. Nice. Keep swearing. Are you doing Tourette's idea of Tourette's? I think I do. What's your problem? No, I literally what is it starting
to tick lately? What is a woman? You love your talk about tick tock a woman is. Um. Hashtag dove. Yeah, that's not an answer. No, this is actually maybe the best answer so far. Hashtag deadass. Keep more hashtags. Hashtag. Yeah, I have to use hashtags. There are women. I used to say hashtag yellow all the time. Oh, yeah, I was like your ideology. I've been eating iron. It's based on truth. I've been eating iron. A lot of iron vitamin gummy
bears. I love how there's just everything in a gummy bear now. Yeah, I guess so much fucking magnesium through my gummy bears. You know that. Your energy drink the other day. You can become like Magneto. You know, Magneto. Yeah, a lot of spoons have been kind of flying my direction. I don't know why. Magnetium. You can be kind of like that. Yeah, that's probably why I'm ticking. But that's why I'm so ironic is all the iron in my blood.
Yeah, I just have a lot of lead poisoning too. Yeah, you just have to have a lot of pencils. You get bullied and people would stab you with pencils in school. Well, yeah, and they were the like mechanical ones, too. I was like, yeah, I was born like 10 years ago. Mechanical pencils, they need to get rid of because that's going to take everyone's jobs because that's like way too sophisticated. I remember like mechanical pencils. What do
we do next AI? I can't hold. Yeah. What a mechanical pencil. What's next? Waymo cars taking everybody at that was the number two pencil factories jobs. What's next AI taking everyone's jobs and universal basic income? Is that what's next? Hopefully both. Hope that's pretty big. Yeah, there's mechanical pencils and also there's AI. And don't get the UBI thing. It will be the greatest depression. Yeah, we can't even stathom. I feel inequality
of the job. We're just gonna be depressed. And there will be eight people with all the technology. I might work for Amazon. You could be you could be their mascot. You dress up as an Amazonian. Wonder Woman. No, I was gonna say, like, I kind of want to like dress up for their commercials. If I ever get like, you know, you want to even let me in that warehouse delivery driver commercial. Yeah. Kyren Harrell is in all the McDonald's commercials.
I think it's a good idea to Kyren Harrell. Yeah, well, he looks like a guy that would be in McDonald's commercials. And he wasn't one. He'd be like, this burger is amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I think Jason told him he looks like he would be in McDonald's commercial. And I think he said that he was. Yeah. And then I saw McDonald's commercial. I look
like I have a compliment kind of sort of. I don't think so. Well, they like they want to get the most like they want someone that's multi multicultural and also ethically ambiguous. That's the word. And also has my own which is funny because he's just a black guy. I have black. Yeah, I don't know who knows. You definitely round down with him. I don't really talk. I don't really talk about race. I love Kyren Harrell. I'm kind of I feel like
a lot of the comics in the scene. They don't accept me as one of their own. Ask him. Ask him. I'm starting to get a little ticked off. That's not funny. That's not funny. That's not funny. Ask him the question. Yeah, I will ask. Why? Oh, why? You don't you hate his culture? So you don't need you only ask him. Why is that? Oh, I'll have to do is appropriating. I'm not misappropriating. I'm using Kyren's. You know what he what he says?
I don't. Well, I'm going to start talking about Dr. Fauci to or yeah, I got the talk about Fauci. The devil. I was almost died of covid. We could talk about Dr. Evil as I call him. No, happens after we die. He's evil. I don't know. It's all gonna crumble. We got about two minutes. So let's talk about what happens after we die. We think I heard it's like a DMT trip and then you just kind of like keep tripping and then you get born again. Apparently
born again. Is a Christian? No, like in like you would be I think like I believe in multiple lives, I think multiple lives matter. It is kind of crazy for only in God. Do you think there's Republicans and Democrats in heaven? There's Republicans in heaven. Maybe a couple of Democrats. Oh, brother. I mean, demo. I want to. Yeah, SpongeBob is in heaven. I want to get reincarnated. That was the word you were looking for. What wouldn't the multiple
lives? Thank you. Yeah, no problem. We're gonna get rid of that word too, though. Incarnated why? That's a really gnarly word. Yeah, gnarly is reborn. Isn't like gnarly. No, this is Patrick. So, oh my gosh, I think that we get I want to get reincarnated as a dog because you don't have to get a job because then you're like anxiously attached to someone. You're like, fuck, when is my owner gonna fucking come back? Oh, my God, excited when they walk
in and you don't have to get a job. You just kind of sit around to watch TV. I want to be a cool cat. I don't want to be a cat. You can't turn on the TV. I think you forget that we like loser autonomy as like people once we're reborn, like whatever animal. Yeah, this is sorry. This is not funny. You'll be you'll be you'll be born as a like a praying mantis or something. Why the fuck do people keep saying that shit? Wait, if I literally
not you're not joking. My sister said the same exact thing. I'm not even fucking with you. You're gonna be reincarnated as a praying mantis. You look like a praying mantis. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? There's way more praying mantis looking people like dank as it's really just the man's sunglasses. These are my dad's. I started those when she said that. Probably. I like I don't like showing my real eyes. I don't know. It's like it's
like the windows to the soul. What color eyes do you have? So what are you hiding in your song? It's like Hazel. It changes depending on how I feel. That's demonic. Yeah, that is definitely demonic right now. Right now. It's kind of like a purple. Do they ever go full black? No, we're getting you arrested by the church. The Catholic Church. Which one? The Catholic Church. Can it be a better one? Nope. They only like little boys. Well,
I think that we all go to hell. Although I think yeah, I think like everyone like since we're we created highways and shit like I think we're going to hell. Yeah, I think like we we're going to stop getting reincarnated to be honest because like we're in that era where we're like literally like freaking out about Cyber Monday and shit. What if it turns out though that that did break all the good things we think are good? It turns out it
was the bad things the whole time. And we're like, see that word God is like thank you so much for creating Amazon Prime. I've been trying to do that for God's cool. He's like sick that you killed people. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that was totally the mission. You're right. Sex. Then people that like were like Christian thought all the rules like fucking nerd. You're going to hell. Yeah. And then he has the bounce up in heaven is like St. Peter or something.
I mean, it doesn't make sense if you go to heaven, you get to do anything you want. Yeah. That stuff's probably yeah, like is there a club in heaven? Like I think according to the biggie Smalls, he says, is it heaven? He said God, probably if you if you went to heaven, he said God, probably have me on some real strict shit. No sleeping all day. No
getting my dick lick. Yeah, I think it's too heavy for no. I see. I think it's kind of like I feel like if heaven were or to exist, I feel like it would be kind of like Chicago would be like heavily like, yeah, well, biggie didn't want to go to heaven. He said, he said, not really, he said, hanging with the goodie goodies dressed in white. I like black. He said, wait, no, he said, fuck that shit. I want to tote guns and shoot dice. So that's
what you do in hell. You shoot dice, which is pretty fun. No, that's really clever. It's warmer down there. It's probably cold as heck up in heaven. That's like what that's like in Norfolk. No, hell is like saying heck. No, I feel like I feel like hell is not that cool. Can you please call it heck? We don't swear. HG double hockey stick. I feel like people are like, oh, there's flames and cool canyons and we could smoke weed and have a
lot of sex. No, I feel like hell is like the TSA airport. Yeah, because I feel like it should be like a DMV. I get to say in line list. Listen, yeah, yeah, you just hear like a like a crying baby in the distance. Like a lot of crying babies. Yeah. And then you just get searched 24 sevens. I don't have anything. I put on like it's on a German. I put on like stuff to go to sleep. Like it sounds on my phone. It's just crying babies.
No, I put I put like the fucking ASMR of cutting soap. I put babies going like I have a 9 11 compilation. It's just 50 different angles. We should switch places. God damn. We should get a we should get a I mean, I don't really want to try to train. I don't want to live here. 9 11 gives me bad memories. Oh, yeah. I was there. Ground zero. I was working there. Yeah. It's tough. It just wasn't that long ago. Now if you really think about it, time
is just a flat circle. You feel like you're working at ground swan. That is why that's because ground zero was not funny to Mac. Not funny at all. It's personal to me. Oh, he did he worked with him. He did he I'm grounded. I guess. Nice. I worked with P. Diddy and Dow Jones there at the 9 11. I was trying to think of like the people that jumped and making that somehow ground zero. They were grounded. Yeah, they didn't jump and then
they were waiting. They didn't land on the tree. No, you're not P. Davidson. You can't joke about it. Yeah. How many reasons these families how many people that jump thought they would land it? I know you should call their relatives and ask. I'll ask. Yeah. This is a question to the public. If you have a family, let's do a poll. Also, we wouldn't know. We'll do a poll on Patreon. We're going to close this one out. So my computer
is in charge a little bit. So folks join patreon.com slash bad comedy for the good episodes and then this was not this was trash. Yeah, I mean, on purpose, the normal episodes are bad. The guest episodes is the funniest thing in the whole world. The funny number one Patreon, they say in the world and we're going to win number one podcast that is gazelles. It's going to be too big to rig. So vote for us for the gazelles. And do you have anything
you want to plug going shortage? I'm not one of Grace's shows. I totally forgot about you're going to watch a show. No, I'm in one of her shows. I mean, yeah, which grace Baylor. Okay, well, one grace. There's Leishman. There's she's in New York making it. There's Petra. Wait, which one? I don't know that one. Leishman. Oh, she's a good giant. Yeah, she's like so funny and famous. And like, I don't under like she's not funny. She's
so fun. She's so funny and untouchable. And like she just so like generally like, Oh my god, like I just want to be her. Yeah, I want to be her like she's on the red carpet every five seconds. Oh my god. It would take you like an hour to climb up her because she's a giant. I feel like it's got me worth getting level. Whatever she's done. I'm sure. Oh, it's getting banned. A lot of people call her race Leishman. She's so racist. Why? What
she said in hearing in New York, she says a lot of, you know, that one, that word. Oh, he says a lot on stage. Yeah. In all black rooms. I heard it's safe. Oh, yeah. She goes under the brown. So just because yeah, just because you're tall doesn't mean you can play basketball. She thinks she thinks that. Oh, I hate when I'm becoming okay. No, in comedy, it's different. It's a totally different universe. Yeah, it's different zeitgeist. Dylan, do
you have any plugs? I love electricity. Shout out to electricity. Okay. And follow me at comedy Betty. Oh, I'm also going to be in a Christmas movie. I don't know when it's coming out. It's called Uncle Santa. It's like a who's who shot a Brad Kauffman. Fuck. He hates me now. Who cares? I do. You have to let go of that too. No, he has a like, if you want the honor to be my guest, you have to cut ties with Brad Kauff. He has money. I don't
want it. So many fans with money. He spent it all on likes. All right. No comment. Well, we can go through the pattern and do no comment. We're three. I just looked at two videos and then I would end up doing a deep dive and I was like, this guy's like complete fraud. Anyways, I want to plug Brad Kauffman unfollow him. No, no, go watch his movies support the craft. Yeah, check out Steven. Maybe check out Steven the house and
Adam Addis having sex in the same bathroom or check out. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I meant check out Steven Haas films. It was a little short. All these are talented and offer things and that doesn't mean they're perfect and we can't make fun of him. I'm telling to he's a hand talent. He's not ugly at all. All right, folks. Hey, folks, thanks for listening. You've been a real bullet son of a gun. My dad is a gun. I try to think of something bullet
something cool to say. Yeah, you're real. Thanks for thanks for giving us a shot. Oh, fuck me. Tell me and put a bullseye episode and join patreon.com slash comedy for more for the good stuff. Should I sing? Yeah, no.