Hey, would you like me to wash your car? Yes, don't be brilliant. No, no, he's offering to wash the car. That'll be 15 quid. Ah, he got me. He got me. Yeah. Cash up front. God damn it. Yeah, I told you not to do it. I don't have any cash. It's okay. You can do contactless. Here you go. Let me just send you a bet. And I'll hop on my phone. Hold on. Okay. Just. Oh, is that your phone on the dash? If I hold it near, will it? I can just go through like that. 15 quid.
It just went through the windshield. Yeah. What? Oh, NFC connections are so strong. That feels like it shouldn't have been near. Yeah, there's 15. I see the notification. It's going to take 40 minutes. What? We're going. You want to third job, right? I mean, I do. Pooing from the traffic light to wash it. Okay. Fine. If you go into a lay by over there, there's another car that's just about to pull off. Is he also? Molly has that. So she's done with that. And then I'll do this. Okay. All right.
I was so happy when he said he would wash the car. I know. And I told you not to. He was just. He was wearing a. The car hasn't been washed in so long and I'm so ashamed. But he was wearing a little cap. You can't trust a kid in a cap. I don't know. My cousin wears a cap. I trust him. Why? You're wrong too. I trust him. Really? Yeah. It's it's just I don't think a cap is a sign of inherent untrustworthy. It is. I didn't want to have to tell you, but your cousin's a little cock.
Yeah. I mean, he's been a trust him. You trust him to be a little cock. How about this? I gave him £500 and he's going to turn it into £750. Why? He's going to lose money? No, no. He's going to buy something and give you change. Okay. So the way it's all about passive income. Okay. Right. So he's going to buy like the rights to like an audio book and then he's going to put it on Spotify. I'm going to have to ask you to get out of the car. What? While washing valet. Oh, valet too.
Well, that's better value for money, I guess. Okay. So someone first to. That's an additional ten. Thank you. I'm going to I'm going to turn NFC off. This is this is costing me too much. Oh, they have a little coffee stop. Let's go over to the coffee stop. Okay. Yeah. You fellas have a good time. I'll be with you in an hour and a half. -----Opening Credits---- Welcome back to Dunbracken. ----------------------------------- Dad, I need you to phone up the school.
They took my pocket knife off me again. You didn't stop them. I didn't think they were going to even risk taking it off me again, but they did. And, you know, now I'm defenseless. I gave you the knife to protect, attack and defend. You didn't stop them. You let them take the knife from you. Well, maybe it serves you right that you don't have the knife. I don't think you deserve it. They did it when I wasn't looking. They did it whenever I was out of P.E. That's not good enough.
You should always be looking. You should carry that knife, especially when you're in P.E. What if I fell? You shouldn't fall. You should be ready to take down your opponents. Cut an Achilles. It was the hurdles. Cut an Achilles for the hurdles. Cut down a hurdle that's in front of you. Think of the many ways you can use a knife. Yeah, dad, I need you to phone them up. I'm going to phone them up. I'm going to show up at the school with my knife. I'm coming for the knife. If that's what you want.
I want my knife back, please. I mean, fuck you. Fuck you? Fuck me? Sorry. Say that again. Fuck you, dad. I want my fucking knife back, please. Thank you. I told you to fight with a knife, not with your words. This is disappointing. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just stab you right now. What was that? Are you laughing at the idea that I wouldn't stab my own child? I think you would. I would? Yeah, I think you would stab me. As dads go, you're hard. You'd do that.
You'd kill your only child. Kill my brothers. And your siblings. And your parents. We have each other, and that's it. So that's why you can't kill me. Because if you kill me, you're on your own. My parents were an accident. OK. The siblings intentional, the parents an unfortunate accident while taking out the siblings. And I don't need you. Yeah, I get that you don't need me. Sounds like you need me. You need me to get that knife.
Yeah, because you're not going to hand it over to me because I'm under 18. You don't deserve the knife. Do you know what you deserve? This rolling pin. Oh, I mean, yeah, this is bludgeoning someone. Exactly. Pretty good. Clubbing is harder to do. A single stab could take someone out. But if you're going to kill someone with a rolling pin, you need to commit. You might need to bludgeon someone 20 times to be able to take them out. You need to become desensitized.
You need to do what you need to do to get the job done. I killed a baker. That's where I got this rolling pin from. I took it out of their hands, looked them in the eyes. 19 hits to the cranium. Not 20. You just said 20. I did 19, and I left them. I left them there. They died shortly after. I wanted them to know what happened. I didn't want to take them out with a 20th blow, and that to be it. I wanted them to really feel what had become of them.
Dad, I feel like if you'd given me a better knife to begin with. A better knife? Yeah, you gave me a pocket knife. That's a starting knife. You can't even use it. You've lost it. If I had given you a better knife... It would be taken as well. You think I would give you my brother's knife? Well, no, you killed him for the knife. Exactly. I would not give that up. You'd have to kill me to get my brother's knife. In fact, give me that rolling pin back. No, no!
If you want the rolling pin, you're gonna have to kill me. I'm offering you up my head. With my bare hands? No, with a rolling pin. You just took it back. So that I can give it back to you in ceremony. I lay my head down in front of you. Twenty bludgens if you must. You... Do you have anything else to be at today? Like, are you good if I do this now? I was writing in my diary this morning. How I had hope for my child. While there have been times where I have given up hope. I've persisted.
Day in, day out. Sometimes I question myself, could I have done? Maybe I could have been a loving father. But that's not the way I operate. Should I just get started? You're using your words, you can't just act. That's a very, like, tap of the rolling pin. If you're going to bludgeon someone, do it. Ha! Give... I'm taking it back! No, that... I thought that was the door. Hello? Oh, Christ. It's the baker. I thought you were dead. Hello? Huh? Son. Do this man a favour. I give you the rolling pin.
Execute him. And I will get you back that knife. Thank you. You just gave it to him. If anything, this baker's going to create an insane amount of damage. Shut up, Dad. Sir, can you... He hit his own leg. Could you... I'm sorry, could you phone the school and pretend to be my father and request a pocket knife? Uh-huh. Please? Why does he have the school's number one speed dial? I don't like this. My name's Samuel, if they ask. It's the kid who had the knife confiscated. Oh.
Yes, hello? Pizza for lunch. How can I help? Shit. Oh, yeah. Pizza. Yep, we serve pizza. What do you want? What kind of pizza? Pop one in for me as well, if you're ordering. Really? Two pizzas. So you have plans for today? No, I do. Two pizzas, your choice. My choice, okay. Send them to me. Wait a minute. It's me. Huh? It's you. That's right. I took that from you. Yes. I took that from you. Help me. That's right, that's the noise that he made as it hit your head. It ran over again.
Cracked down in your cranium. One more dong, no dong count. No. No final dong. This man's making an incredible recovery, Dad. I think you're going to have to start over with him. You think he's made a recovery? What? He's in quite a bad state. When he arrived at the door, he was barely intelligible. Oh Jesus. That's a large bump. What this man out of his misery. Take back the rolling pin. Half pizza. Stomp it. Stomp it. What if I don't? What if I don't? Stomp it. Stomp it. Stomp it.
What if I do? Then it gets sent. There's a whole thing. I have to tell him that I love him. I'm too scared. It's just a whole thing. Oh, Eric. I can't send this letter. You are sending away for a driver's license. You do not have to tell anybody at the DVLA that you love them. I know, but the thing is... I don't think you do know. Because every time you go to post a letter, you have to think about professing your love to the recipient. And it's not how letters work. But I know Thomas.
You don't know Thomas. I do know Thomas. I've seen him from afar. That is not knowing someone, Meredith. I've seen him from afar and I love him. And I want to get a driver's license, but also to tell him that I love him very much. And I want to be his wife. Or girlfriend, or just... Don, to be fair. You're pitching in there. Perfect. I have failed three drivers license because Thomas was... He's just such a dreamboat. I'm sorry, I've failed three tests because, oh my goodness.
Good Lord, where does he live? That lot on Earth is so gorgeous. About being... Like everything, like his hair and his eyes and his lips and his ass and the way he walks. Okay, okay. I don't think owning an ass, right, has anything to do with attractiveness. He's the only person I've ever seen work a donkey. Like this man looks so good when he rides to work. That man on his ass on it. I see what you did there. That's very good. He looks good. He looks good going to work.
Don, are you jealous? No, I'm not jealous. I'm jealous. I'm not jealous at all. I think you don't. I'm not jealous of what's his name again? I forgot. Thomas. Thomas. Why would I be jealous of Thomas? It's Tom to friends, but I'm not. We're not friends with him. I really just need you to post this letter. We have a list of things to get done today. Linda, I think if you did post it... Her name's Meredith. Why do you insist on calling Meredith Linda? I like being called Linda, Dan.
It's what we call. We're special friends and that's why we call each other. If you... I call her Linda as well. Linda and Linda, yeah. Why don't you guys call me Linda? Because your name is Linda. I'm Dan! You son of a bitch! I'm really jealous. I was trying to let you in on the club. Dan is not Linda. You can't just Linda me like that. You have to make it proper. I want to earn my Linda. Don't pity Linda me. Well, Meredith Linda. I'm going to use both to... Okay, Jessica Linda.
Because that's not confusing. Well, I think if you were to tell him that you loved him, I think, well, he doesn't know you. There's every chance that once he gets to know you, he could fall in love. I think if anyone could do it, I think it's you. So... Oh, Linda. I think you go for it. I think you post the letter. Yes. Tell him you love him. And who knows what's happened. Maybe... Look, look, look. I kissed it with lipstick on the back. Holy shit. That's good. Yeah. Oh, that's lovely.
Linda, Linda, listen, Linda, Linda, listen, Linda. And he has to open it. I'm Meredith to you, Dan. Oh, God. You can't call me Linda. Only Linda can call me Linda. I really want to be Linda. Well, you can't be Linda. How does one be Linda? Would Thomas be Linda? You have to be nice to me for a start. I am nice to you. I'm supporting you through this crisis of sending a letter for your driver's license because I am not... But you don't believe that Thomas can fall in love with me. I didn't say I
didn't believe that. And if Thomas can fall in love with you, maybe if I know he's off the cards, then I could finally finish my driver's test. I see what you're doing. You're... Yeah, very plainly landed. You're not a real Linda. Linda, you're putting yourself down. I think Thomas could fall in love with you. No. You're so pretty. I don't need his love. I just need a driver's license. Oh, yeah. God. I know. We need someone to drive us somewhere. Because that would count the ways we can't
get out of Dunbracken. Yeah. And we also can't deliver any of the post. Yeah. I am not being the only person in this post office that can drive that van. Stump it. Hmm. Hey there, you want a coffee? Um... That's 650, thank you. Put your phone away. It's just... Hold on. I did want a coffee. I know, but it's 650. Is that one coffee can or two? That's for a half. What? Oh, well, I want a full. 12 pound. Oh, that's a discount. That's not bad.
Hey fellas, while I'm over here, could you grab me a flat white? I'll spot you for it. 18 pound. Put your phone away. Okay. All right. This is the last one. All right. I'm going to put away. Yeah, I don't think he's going to accept the next one anyway. Yeah, sure. I'll just pick it over here. Here you go. Hey, thanks, sir. No problem. Oh, hold on. Oh, sorry. This is a flat white. I'd ordered a latte. I'll take this one. Thank you. Hey, that's my latte.
Well, I have to take a flat white that I didn't even want. I guess. Um... Yeah, no, it's... This is really throwing me up. I mean, I'm still psyched. My car is going to be clean. That'll be great. They're using scarring pads. See, I wouldn't have thought to do that. No, no, it's not a good thing. And I'm just now noticing that there's a little kid with a paintbrush. I feel like they're just going to scratch it and this kid's going to paint it. And he's going to charge it. So we're
ahead of this now. We're not getting tricked into, hey, put the scarring pad down. No! Well, I tried. It's part of the process. I mean, he... I feel like they would have told us. You're an issue? Rudy's my dad. I don't know Rudy. I don't know him either, but... Where'd you buy this car? Rudy's... Oh... Oh, right. He must have been the owner, I guess? Yeah. He owns it? Oh, okay. Does that mean he so owns it? I feel like I... I guess it doesn't have to own it. But he doesn't own the car anymore.
He's not leasing it, right? Until we pay it off, he technically owns it. Okay, right. Yeah, does that make sense? It just... Here's your raspberry white chocolate scone. On the house. Oh, that's very kind. Thanks. And here's your tip. Thank you. You're very welcome. Oh, see? See? This is why you're so cynical. This is weirdly good service. This is why you're so cynical. It's just what things call us. It's, you know... Hey, I've taken the liberty to updo your upholstery.
Upgraded from a little felt to a little leather. I hope you don't mind. We'll sell things up at the end. It's just... I am, like, on a budget. And that's just a cushion? Could you maybe just, like, run them past me beforehand? Too late. We're already two seats in. That's fine. Just... I'm halfway through the back seat. No, I understand it's a process. And it's connected. It's all one unit, basically.
I understand it's a process and you can't sub it, but just before you start another process, could you notify me? Oh, well, I can do it for my own stuff, but I'm not the only kid working on this. Do we have to go through every kid? How many of yous are there? Oh... So, two. Okay, there's one other. Okay, did you hear me say that I'm working on a budget and if you're starting a process, could you please tell me beforehand? Yeah, but that was after I started my process. Okay, but just...
It's fine if you're finishing the current process. Just don't start an additional one. It's not the upholstery. I'm putting the spoiler in the back of your car. That's sick. That looks pretty cool. Yeah. Man, I was just psyched about it being cleaned. I'm confused as how to... I think I'm annoyed, but they're really winning me over here. It's good service. It's good service. They're definitely stealing from us, but this is good service. Hey, I'm an entrepreneur!
You can't argue with that, and if you do argue with it, I'm going to phone my dad, Rudy. I get it. I mean, it's like this passive income thing, and I feel like I am... That's not going to work. Your cousin's a little scammer. These are general artists. No, I don't think you understand. You lose money initially, but then for the rest of your... It's like a pension you're cashing immediately. If it's a good audiobook, sure. That's how I paid for it.
What audiobook is it? By any chance, was it your uncle's audiobook? No. Memoirs of a Drunken Saint? What is that even? What? I'm pretty sure it's a porno. Oh, I couldn't afford that. It's mostly instruction manuals for kettles. Memoirs of a Drunken Saint was... Wow, I pegged that wrong. No, no, no. Sorry, I couldn't afford the memoirs. They're audiobooks I own and get a passive income from
are instruction manuals for kettles. So whenever anyone needs to work out how to use their kettle, they come to you? Yes. Is it one brand or all brands? Did you get them all? It's a number of brands. You see? Maybe I'm too... I've had two views on Spotify already. Am I too judgemental? I mean, these kids are... I think they're protective. Like old fashioned. You know, my dad was like that. 95 job, just pay with the cash you own. Don't borrow money. Meredith, post your letter
right now. Stamp it and post it. You get your license before Thomas arrived at the Unleasing, so it's easy for you to say. Yeah, exactly. Okay, do you know what? If you had been taught by Thomas... Let's bring Thomas in here. Just send him a letter and get him in this post office so I can see him and get you both through this. I could just text him because his sister gave me his number. That's so nice. I'm so excited for you. So she basically approves. She basically approves.
Like Linda, oh my God. Hang on, Jessica. This whole time, Meredith had Tom's number and didn't tell me. Yeah, but I was too scared. Honestly, a letter is so cute. Exactly. I thought it was cute. It's got a kiss in the back. Yeah, because he has to open her kisser. And it says S-W-A-L-K. Do you know what that stands for, Linda? S-W-A-L-K. Sealed with a loving kiss. Wow. So I should just text him. Hey Tom, where are you at? Oh shit. X. I did it! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God! Okay, dot dot dot dot dot. Dot dot dot. Dot dot dot. Stop dots. No dots? Yeah. But he's read it. Just don't look at your phone. That's very quick to... Right, you take my phone. Okay. Well, don't you look at it. Give me the phone. I was going to watch it. God's sake. What if he texts back? I will tell you. The phone's on vibrate. Will you? Will you tell me you have my phone? Because when the phone vibrates, I will look and see who's texted you.
And then be like... What if your mother needs to contact you? Oh God, give her back the phone. I'm not talking to your mother. I should take the phone. She doesn't like you. Hang on. You have avoided sending away free driver's license yet again. I am not the only one who drives the van. Send it away. But what if... No. Send. He's texting. That is so hot. Do you know what? Tom works in the butchers. I'm leaving to work in the butchers. I'm going to work with Tom.
And I'm going to tell him that Linda and Linda are both psychopaths. Thank you. And that he's never to talk to them. And he might just leave them bragging. Fine. Well we will run the post office. And we will send whatever letters we want. Maybe none of yours. They won't get very far because neither of you can drive the bloody van. We can cycle. You can cycle? You can ride a bike. There's a donkey. You can get the good bar of the donkey of Tom. You can't even speak to Tom.
How are you going to borrow his donkey? We'd have to talk to him then. Oh, he said fuck off. What? Rude. I'm definitely not sending that letter. I don't think he... I don't think I should. I don't think he deserves that. I don't think I should drive ever. Don't be sad. Thank you Linda. You're such a supportive friend. Look, look, look. Here comes the milkman. And we all know we like to shit on him because his job is stupid. What a plunker. I have some pizza bellets here. I don't want to.
How did you cut this pizza? I don't know. He's asking what implement you used to cut the pizza. I don't know. Oh, I know you. You know me. I know you. Because of you we can't cut the pizzas anymore. That's right. I was making sure that they still have implemented that change. You're going to have to tear it. It's 26 pounds? I'm going to have to tear it for our baker friend as well. I don't think he's got the capabilities. Are you buying? I'm paying for it. I'm 16. I don't have any.
16 year old spy pizza. There's no age restriction. Do you want the water, pet? All our dough is pre-made. Oh. Just unfreeze it. Do you want to talk? Precipable? I'm going to have to return these pizzas. Oh. No. Impressive. Um. I do me. Me? Do you have anything else that you plan to be out today? Yeah. But not as a good time? Yeah. My son cried yesterday. What? My son cried yesterday. Oh. We can always do it after the graduation. You don't need to see it. Hey, you seem like a really good dad.
Yeah. I try. I try. Yeah. Some dads try, but they kind of force their kid in the... Uh-uh. Uh-uh. I'm not proud of you. Because what you said hurt my feelings. Maybe you're stronger without the blade. Maybe it is the world. I'm not proud of you. Because what you said hurt my feelings. Maybe you're stronger without the blade. Maybe it is the world. Dad, none of this would have ever happened if you just filmed the school when I asked you to.
Dad, none of this would have ever happened if you just filmed the school when I asked you to. You had to learn. But I still don't have a knife. Go get it with the rolling pin. Go get it with the rolling pin. Hi there. I'm Dill One Drop. Hi there. I'm Dill One Drop. And I am an officially licensed personal trainer. And I am an officially licensed personal trainer. I've got it official. I'll have a certificate. I'll have a certificate. Level two. Level two.
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Dil Wundrop, your new personal best friend, I mean trainer. New personal trainer. That's me. I'm recording this in someone's walls. Hey fellas! Sorry, this one wasn't a project, it was a bit of an accident. Sylvia disconnected the engine. Oh my god, I thought you were going to say you scratched it. Jesus Christ. Can he reconnect it? No, no, definitely not. I'm going to ask for a discount if you disconnected the engine. Don't worry, don't worry. Okay, it's just...
Pilly over there, he can fix you up. Okay, we'll be driving away from this. Yeah, okay. No guarantees, but oh. No guarantees in life, I get it. Okay, so you push the car over to Sylvia over there. I can't drive away because my dad sells used cars. Do you want me to phone my dad? No, don't phone Rudy. I can save you as another Peugeot. No, I really thought we were just going to get a paint job on it, but now they've taken out the engine.
Okay, so we're going to push this around the corner of the bridge. It's just the surface is so rough after the Skrillop part. I am calling my hand on the... Oh god, okay. Did you take the handbrake off? They still have the key. Oh god, okay. It's in a state it's in. Okay, well, we'll keep it here. Maybe he can come to us. Yeah. Did you come to us? Sylvia's not watching today. Oh. What? He said he was over there. That's just his workstation. Yeah, I get it, okay.
I guess we're going to have to call Rudy. Do you guys want me to get my dad on the phone? I mean, I think we're at that stage, aren't we? Yeah. I'm back around to protective again. Yeah, I... This has turned out poorly for us. Well, no, hold on. It's a process. You don't need to be negative. The car... I know it's a process. The car will be painted? The car isn't going to be... The car will be clean? The car isn't passive income. Is it? No, it's not. It's depreciating in value every time.
No, no, I understand that. I would just like it to be clean. I hope it's clean, but I have not heard one Hoover yet. They said they would take an hour and a half. They've barely started. They said 45 minutes. Why are you allowing them more time? The value increased the time. I'm sorry. I should have asked at the start. Where are you fellas headed to? Very... On a date night? Yeah. And I would have loved to turn up with a clean car. That would have been a great first impression.
Yeah. You were driving him to his date night? No, we both got a date at the same place. It was... Double date. Double date. How do you not know it's the same person you were going on a date with? How do you know that person hasn't set you both up? Sorry, this isn't really my domain. I'm just kind of curious as to the dynamic you guys have now. Oh no, it was my... It was... My mom set it up, so... I don't think she would do it like that. I don't think she would do it like that.
Although, she did... When I asked about it, she did turn her baseball cap backwards. Now that I think about it. That's true. And we both... We did pay for her dating services to get us to... Yeah. It might be the same person though. It might be the same person. Maybe we'll... But I would still like to impress her with a clean car. Yeah. But I can phone my dad. Fine. Does he do cleaning cars now? He does working cars. Does your car work? Goddess. I mean, will it? I don't know. I don't fix it.
I just clean it. Silvio's not here today, so we can't get an engine. I'm sorry. That's a different guy. I hate that when people that work go to me and ask me about something. Yeah, you don't have to. Yeah, call Rudy. Call Rudy. Yeah, I could... What else are we going to do? We could get a taxi. I... Hey, you. We want to get a taxi? I know a guy. Oh, great. Here's his number. Yeah, this is great. I'm going to put it on speaker just for... Yeah, I don't know. That's great. So we can both... Hello?
Hello? Hey, are you... I can't read what this says, but are you a taxi? You do taxis? I can't... I got a... A kid gave me a card. We need to write... Yeah, we're talking to... Rudy's kid gave us your number. I'm out of the getaway driver cam. I don't do that anymore. On a... I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know who gave you this number. Oh, no, it was... I gave this to the police. No, it's Rudy's kid. It's Rudy's kid gave it. Rudy, do you know Rudy? Rudy's kid?
Oh, yeah, Rudy. We used to do heists together. Nice. Well, we don't need it unless... Hold on, hold on. Can you put it on me for a second? Sorry, yeah. I'm worried that our date's going to be impressed by him if he's a heist. Good call, good call. He's gone heists because I haven't done any heists. We'll ask him not to come in. But he'll be driving us. Oh, yeah. We're picking them up from their house. Yeah. I mean, you say that. I think it's just one person that's applying.
Yeah. You'd give one address. We both gave the same address. We were like, huh, convenient. I don't want to be cynical, but I think we've been fooled. This is my day of being less protective. Oh, dammit. Would my mom really do that for us? Hey, do you think... I'm giving us some sorrow on it, too. Okay, that's fine. Please come collect us. Okay. I missed us a little bit. Where are we? We're open. Where are we going? What's the plan? It's hearts.
Oh, is that to... I don't dabble in the black market. Oh, no, no, no. We're on a date. We're going on a date with potentially too very adequately resourced for our station people. Your car, is it clean? No, I don't have my car anymore. That's in evidence. What were you going to pick us up in? You phoned me. Oh, I see what's happened. I can ring my mom. I don't think we can afford her. Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Colin McVeigh.
For more information and podcasts, you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram. This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Gerd Donley, Gemma Burnett and Owen Heading. The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon. You can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now. Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.