It's not going in. It's not stitching. Yeah, it would have been better if you brought the fucking sewing kit. That's why it's an emergency sewing kit. It's so weird to be out in the woods anyway. I understand, yes, the scout ceremony and stuff, but like, I didn't know that we were gonna be here and a button would pop. Do you think, Kyle, would they be mad if I went on without a top button done? Yeah, you can't hand out badges when you don't represent the scouts adequately.
And I'm gonna be honest, there's the second question of how are we gonna sew the badges on. They're not iron on? No. We're sewing them on on stage? Yeah. Wait, hold on, have you not practiced for the ceremony? No. Are you kidding me? I didn't know I was sewing them on. I thought they were iron on, I thought we were ironing onto the kids on stage. That makes sense. Yeah. No, it's, this is proper Boy Scouts here. We have to- What if he tightens the bolo tie so that it covers the top button?
I know you know, but pretend you didn't. If you didn't know- No, look, look, look- Okay, hold on. No, I'm sorry. Look, that looks smart. That looks nice and smart. Breathe out here. What? Breathe out. I need to see you breathe out. I'm breathing out right now. You're not breathing out. I'm breathing out. You're not breathing out. I'm gonna light a match. Why were we expected to sew on the patches with one emergency sewing kit? I feel like that's something that you should supply.
Well you were meant to use a regular sewing kit and then it disappeared and then you didn't bring an emergency sewing kit. Well, I had to gut the fish somehow. That was you? I forgot my Bowie knife and I forgot my multi-tool and I forgot my packed lunch. What did you pack? Let's make this a shorter list. I packed my car. Okay. I drove. I packed my car thinking I was gonna drive and then you pulled up. I was just like, what? So everything is in your car? Everything's in my car, yeah.
She pulled up and I was like, well, yeah, this makes sense. I knew I was like, I'm forgetting something. I knew I was forgetting something. But when did you realize this? When my shirt button popped open. Just now. Yeah. Pretty much, yeah. Wow. Because obviously I forgot my lunch and that's what happened with the fish. But I didn't really put two and two together. I was like, well, there's a fish there. I'm kind of hungry. I should have realized sooner that you just arrived.
I had tied everything to the top of the car and stuff. Honestly, that is kind of on me a little. That's embarrassing. I hit my head on the canoe of the car as I was walking by. I was walking to your car. I did laugh at that. I felt bad for not checking to see if you have a concussion, but really what I should have felt bad was not saying it. Hey, do you want to bring your canoe? Yeah. I had to get into Tim's and he did not enjoy that. I know that I agreed to step back because I'm too passionate.
It's not the word that parents used. No it's not the word the parents use, but it's the word I'm using because I take this seriously and the parents said, no, they did say they said you take it too seriously. And I said, there's no such thing as taking too seriously. This is survival. This is training the future generations. These are life skills. These are their kids. And then I then yeah. Okay. I said, you couldn't survive five minutes out here and I slashed some tires.
Yeah. I wonder if they're doing okay. But anyway, all I'm saying is when you two took over for me for one day, it's only been a few hours. I agreed to let you two take over for me, but I thought you could fulfill the same obligations between the two of you. But apparently it's a team effort to mess this up. Oh yeah. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I should have. I could, should have seen some mistakes that you were making and I don't know. I'm just having a good time.
I'm so glad that you appointed both of us to this because there's no one I'd rather do this with. I just felt there was no one person who could replace me. And I thought the two of you might get a good shot. Well to be fair, I'm conconct right now, potentially. Power through it. Power through it. What did you learn during your first? Dude, you're best. That's what we say. No, no. I said, I said do as well as I do the best. Welcome back to Dunbracken.
If you're ever lucky to perform on my stage, count yourself blessed is what, what I would say. Tony at the back, a rising star. But don't cry, Tony. I'm not crying. I just nervous. That's acting. And he is not yet allowed on my stage. That's right. Everyone. I was not nervous. Round of applause for Tony. Oh, really good job, Tony. Thank you. Mr. Colonel, should we? Colonel Marzipan to you, Roberts. Who was my question?
Because I'm my surname is Roberts and your surname is Roberts, but you don't go as surname. You go as first name. Your Colonel first name. Should I be my first name Steve? What achievements have you made to possibly use, give you that title and not to go by Roberts rotten boy? What was that? That seems unfair. I love is unfair, but I haven't had a chance to achieve yet, sir. What age you seven? Oh, I forgot. We don't achieve anything till we're seven. Tony, what age are you?
I am seven and a half. See what I mean? Maybe in the next six months, I'll get a growth spurt. That was acting you buffoon. I'm six and a half. Oh, Tony, I've been triggered. Tony too powerful. You're getting too powerful, but I admire the power. Roberts. Sorry. You probably didn't hear me properly because I didn't announce it. Roberts. Yes, sir. You have nothing to your name. You're lucky to be here. Are we related? I've never had offspring. And I deny anyone who brings that up.
I wasn't bringing that up. I was thinking that maybe it sounded like perhaps it was maybe that you and my mother might be a family if we're both Roberts. Your horrible witch of a mother. I know her because often when I walk down the street, I spot something in the corner of my eye and I immediately shout witch. But no, it is just another Roberts on the run. She says that her brother calls her a witch and he went to war, but she doesn't know which one. Abigail.
And that is good that he has had no progeny. Roberts. Roberts, come here. Yes, sir. Do not bring up family matters. Especially not in front of Tony. He's so strong right now. I was just trying to confirm if you were family because I didn't know if it was family matters until I knew if it was family. For a while it was just matters. Outside of camp with family, but inside of camp. Do you know how bad it would look if this was perceived as nepotism? No. It's really bad.
Could I get a part in your next play for my silence? You're trying to bail me just like a fellow actor of mine did 15 years ago. And what happened him to to to father to your uncle, my father or your uncle, your uncle, my father. Oh, goodness. Wait, wait, is that not how it works? No balls. It's the PTSD. It's the goddamn post theatrical stress disorder. You've got me all worked up. Did you put him in that militia that was making cardboard tanks that got blew up? He did that to himself. I know.
You do not usurp a colonel. Mr. Marzipan. Colonel. Mr. Colonel. Can I have my shoes back? Speak up. Can I have my shoes back? The first to break. The first to ask for their shoes back. And what do we say to that, children? You shall never act. That's right, Tony. Mr. Colonel, I just want to do mime and you've not taught any mime yet. He hasn't taught any acting yet. He taught Tony how to act. Tony's a natural talent. Monologue. We're doing monologues. There's no such thing as natural talent.
It is all acquired. We're doing monologues. Do you want to speak, nephew, nibbling? I've been. Then take the stage. I've been damned. Embarrass yourself. I've been named. Like a part of a family. I've been named nephew. Good job. You said in here we weren't family, but then inside the walls that you yourself created made a familial remark that destroyed everything that you thought you held dear, maybe? Yes, Roberts. Did you know what you were doing the whole time?
Was it me you were trying to trick into a natural God given gift that Tony, the stupid frig... Tony still has power. Oh, okay. I thought that maybe I was usurping, but maybe I went too far on my own britches. He gets shoes. Roberts is the first to get shoes. Tony, I thought that would have been you. I've just finished my mime monologue. While you were mastering the art of two weeks ago, I've mastered an additional art. Well, may I say if it were any good, we would have noticed. But you have.
He's been wearing mime shoes the whole time. Look at me. I am walking broken glass. You'll hurt yourself, Tony. No, wait, that's... Look at the pain on his face. No, there's definitely no glass. Oh my goodness. It looks like he's walking on mime cool snow. Look at the way he walks with a little bit of heat on his face. Stop it. This is incredible. Tony, the floor must be hot. Someone touch the floor. This is... It's both dry and wet. No. Class leave. Class leave. Lock the doors. Lock the doors.
Lock the... Go on, mime. Go on, mime. Class leave. No, you're not putting up a barrier between... No. Put the shutters back up. Where have you gone? Where have you gone? It's... Mr. Colonel, I'm just letting you know that I got my shoes back when you weren't paying attention to me and you were focusing on your two favorite students. Tam. Tam, child, is it just me and you? Or is there a third?
Tony, he summoned a power and I don't know if it's mind games or he has left the room, but is he still here? Have you fallen to the mime powers as well? You can see his feet just under the curtain there. I can't. Just... Do you want me to pull back the curtain? Hi, Tony. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Sir, are you okay? Theatre stress, child. Do you want your shoes back, sir?
It appears that Paul, the man who ran the town fair, Paul's house has been ransacked again, but much like the last four times, he has still not been located. No clues have been discovered as to where he is holing up in town, but people continue to search. In other news, the capybara is officially now the town mascot after giving all the other town mascot contestants in the town fair Ebola, killing them all dead.
Thankfully, the only human in the mascot contest, Syrup Boy, the boy whose face had been burned by a rhubarb pie, was already in a bubble during the fair, as the translucent qualities of the bubble made for a more pleasant sight to look upon his rhubarb and syrup infused face. Syrup Boy has since recovered enough from his injuries and most of the rhubarb has wilted and fallen off his face of their own accord.
Thus, when a team from the Ballyhoopermore Ecological Facility finally caught the capybara, they were able to place it immediately in the vacated bubble in order to stop the continuing spread of Ebola throughout Dunbracken. Unfortunately, the petting zoo has refused to take the capybara back after their legal team told them that their impending court case would go much better if they claimed to have never seen the capybara before.
Therefore we cannot confirm nor deny who actually owns the capybara. Thus, it has become a ward of the town and, because it was the only one left in the running, becomes Dunbracken's 23rd official town mascot. You can catch glimpses of it in its bubble all throughout the town, but do approach it with caution and preferably whilst wearing a face mask. Right, that's plenty of wood now for the winter I reckon. You sure? You don't think we should… I could go out and get a bit more.
Ah no no no, that's too much now. I think we'll end up burning the place down if we have any more wood. Still a few trees out there. I could be started and I could be back by morning. Ah Jenny, Jenny, just stop trying to do stuff. What? I'm a woodsman. I know, I haven't been trying to impress you. I swear it's just my natural habitat. I'm not quite a magnificent woodsman like you, but look how few trees there are left. Jesus, stop trying to impress me.
Every time I say there's enough things done, you go and say I'll get more of it. It just doesn't add up. I brought home enough yogurt to last us three weeks. And I got another week's supply just in case. Just in case you stop trying to impress me. Just in case you...what if you spilled some of it? If I spill some of it, it's fine. We go down to the shop. We're in a mountain cabin. We've got a car. We've got a car, but what happens if there's a wildfire?
I've cut down all the trees so that's unlikely. But what happens if there's snow? What happens if the car...what if you didn't put enough petrol in? And we have too much granola so we desperately need yogurt? That fourth week, what would you do? I guess I'd probably just try to forage stuff. I'm a woodsman. It's fine. It's fine. This is supposed to be a time where we just kind of hibernate for a wee spell. For a wee spell. Sure. And we could do two wee spells if you want.
I could go get some more berries. You don't have to forage. You stay...yeah, that sounds perfect. Just the two of us connecting out in the woods. Well...and me. Yeah, the two of us and Davey. Yeah. Well, you said it was okay if I joined you at the Airbnb, okay? We did. Yeah. And you said that it wasn't going to be a third wheel situation and that while we were sharing costs, we were also going to share time together.
And honestly, it feels a little bit, and I don't want to say that you were lying to me, but it feels a little bit like it is a third wheel situation. Well, we kind of invited you, kind of...well, I wanted you to come as...can we just go over here for a moment? Just stay there over there, Jeannie. No worries. I'll just look at the trees that I want. Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. I won't go foraging, but I'll think about where I'll forage next. Beautiful. Davey, I need you as a buffer.
She just keeps trying it. She's coming on quite strong. I reckon I'm going to try break up with her. You fucker. I am not another break up buffer for you, you son of a bitch. You're so good at it. You son of a bitch. You're so good at it. I can't believe I've fallen for this again. You've been with her for two and a half years. I thought there's no way this is a break up buffer situation. I have jumped on this grenade too many times for you. You're so brilliant. I remember Anita.
You brought her on that holiday. I remember Anita. Why do I remember Anita? I was...holiday? Honeymoon. Yeah. Honeymoon. I spent two weeks with your jilted bride in Corfu. And you're complaining. She was a wreck. She was a wreck. And I had to keep saying like, maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe you know, it's not what it seems. Maybe there was a reason. Well, that's your mistake. Maybe. But I had to make up some reason that you sent a man dressed like you to the altar.
Well, it's going to happen. Okay. The break up. The break up's going to happen. Fuck. Whether I send a lookalike, a doppelganger of myself over there to that bush where she's picking red currents or... Can you just do it before she destroys the rest of the forest? Like there's so few trees out there. Like there's a pile of animals outside staring in the house looking for Lorne. There goes another. Well, look. Jesus Christ. She is quite a woodsman.
She's quite, to be honest, it's kind of threatening. That's kind of why I'm putting this to the side. There's always something. Yeah, you know. There's always something. It's the ego. Yeah. You're never going to find anybody unless you're able to put that aside, you know. Not everyone is a threat. Sometimes people just have their own strengths. Well, sometimes you just want to be a person that's with somebody for three years and then get bored and move on. That's what you want. I think so.
That's so sometimes you want to just constantly hop from relationship to relationship arbitrarily. Look, the most constant thing in my life so far has been you. And I'm happy with that. Well I honestly, watching how you end up breaking up with people and watching the instability in your relationships has destroyed my ability to find love. Has destroyed for me the very idea of love as a constant. Well that's you just putting too much of your own self into this. Well I'm your buffer!
I'm your buffer! Pssst. You're in the danger zone. Sandra is that you? Yes Jeremy. You're in the danger zone. Why is it called the danger zone? Because that's where all the guns are pointed. What do I do? Take two small steps back. Try not to make any noise. Can you see what direction I'm facing? How do you know that back is the correct way? Because I'm an expert at this hunting game. Take two steps back. No more than two. Back for me could be like left for you. Back is back Jeremy.
Just take two steps back. Small. One. Two. Stop. Okay stop. Behind you is a wire about three inches high. When I tell you I need you to hop backwards. Are you ready? Wait. What if I hit the wire? What happens? The guns go off Jeremy. Look. If it makes you feel better. This has really only happened once before. And it was a really lovely funeral. Who? Who did this happen to? People spoke really highly of him. People crying and there was cake. There was dancing in the aisles. It was very lovely.
Are you talking about Nigel's funeral? You were there. They said he died of natural causes. No no. It was a terrible accident. He was shot by a booby trap in the forest. Yes well they weren't meant for him on the plus side. Nigel would have understood this is a lifestyle. How do you know who they were meant for? Were you part of the setup for this? Jeremy I'm a hunting expert. Nigel would have understood Nigel was an expert. Nigel would have died for his love of hunting. It's a lifestyle choice.
I don't understand. Of course you don't. Of course you child. Why did you bring me out here? Because you're clingy. You've been begging me for months to bring you out here. I thought we were just going to shoot a bow and arrow at a rabbit or something. Bow and arrow? This is 2024. We use guns. There's no bow and arrow Jeremy. It seems like such an elaborate setup and anything could go wrong. Anything has gone wrong before. Once. It was only once. You wanted this. Do you trust me?
Less so than when we started. If I'm honest. If I'm honest there's only two ways out. You either take the risk and jump back after three or you die. But if I don't move I'll not hit the wire and then I'll not get shot. Sandra. True. But if you don't move eventually hunger will come for you. And then thirst. And then the animals. Sandra. Your tea's ready. Mom. Why are you shouting? I told you. You have to be quiet out here. You're embarrassing me.
Mrs. Lyons. Mrs. Lyons I think your daughter wants to try and kill me. Sandra. You're all being so loud. What are you doing there? What are you doing with Jeremy? I'm cheating on my game mom go away. She wants me to jump over a wire and if I don't I'm going to be shot. Sandra. She killed Nigel too. What? You guys are no fun. You were about to ask what did I learn during first aid. Don't iron on when you're wearing the shirt. You had to learn that.
Yeah that's why I was like well we're not going to iron them on to the kids on stage because that would say it with me now. Hurt. Why did you iron on the badge? You quite clearly didn't earn it. Do you have a first aid badge? I want it back if you do. No I thought once we got to this level we just kind of got the badges like we that was jumping a level. Oh no mines are all my back. Take that off. No I can't singe to my skin. I don't care take it off.
I thought we could just like claim any of the badges we liked. You pull it off. No you don't get to claim the badge. I like this patch working one. I've never made a quilt but like look how cute that is. It's flopped off but it's a little still on. Super glue. I started on Pritt sticks so I did learn. Don't worry the kids don't know what the ceremony is for. Just the end. I think the kids worked hard. They deserve this. They deserve to have.
None of them gave me their lunches so how hard did they really work? Hey how many of the parents have made it here have you slashed their tires? They're all here they can't leave. Oh yeah it was here. It's the opposite. They're waiting. Six hours ago yeah you slashed the tires and the parents asked you to step down. Some of them are struggling and I know I know. I guess that's your point proven in two different directions. I didn't think they struggled so quickly so immediately.
Some of them just started eating poisonous berries right away. To be fair. And the kids knew they were poisonous. Hey maybe it was suicide maybe they just wanted out fast. To be fair I was passing those berries around so. Yeah. They probably thought I had vetoed them. And what I'm saying is none of the kids ate them. I'm proud of them. Yeah they're good kids. They ate them well. They're really good kids. You know what I know I screamed at them a lot but I did it because I care about them.
And they took the message too hard. And now they're screaming at their parents because it's the only way some people will learn. I'm not seeing any poison berry patches around. Did you is that one they were presenting today? Plant life identification. Okay. It's not specifically for poison berries. I couldn't get that one. It's just about broader broader recognizing the trees and yeah. I can recognize a tree. I see. I heard tree tree tree. No that's a bush tree. That's a man in camouflage.
Why is he here? Shoot sir. No no he don't worry he's with me. He's just making sure you know. I was going to speculate a hunter because he's a gun but that match makes more sense. Yeah. He's here to ensure nothing goes wrong. So what has he been doing watching it all going wrong. Been like through a scope. Okay let me rephrase that. I asked I asked him to protect the kids. The adults are on their own. They had the gunster in the badge.
Is that why every time I tried to hand the kid a berry it was like it fell out of my hand. Yeah. Oh. It just it just slapped your hand. Wait. I'm sorry this is a silly question. Are we adults? You know what at this point ask what? Are we the adults here? Yes. Yeah. All of them here. Other than all the parents. Yeah I'm 19. Yeah. That makes me an adult. Oh yeah kid. Yeah. And I knew that. No way. I think so. You have a really 24 year old energy. Yeah. Might be the kunkunkun.
Okay. Here's here's what we'll do. All right. You go to one of the cars with a slash tire and just sort of fly down. Okay. Okay. I'm not doing it without him. Yeah you're right. You're not. First straight answer all night. Oh just come back. Jenny. I think you're right. We're good here for the whole winter for sure. Yeah that's enough of everything for the winter. I've had to think about it. Just us two and Davey here. Yeah. Thank you for coming.
Well no it was actually we were just chatting about that Jenny. I'm going to get a taxi home I think. Oh they come out this far. That's nice. I don't care if they do or not actually. I'm just going to start walking. Oh right. We'll take a walk with you. No no no no no. That sounds fun. That sounds fun. We'll walk 30 feet back. Jenny I have something I need to say to you. No no no no. There's no need. I'm actually leaving right now. So you probably have to pack up and everything.
You've all your stuff all over the cabin. Oh no. We'll be here all winter sure. So you'll be here all winter. Yeah we'll be here all winter. No no no. Yeah yeah so you'll have to bring. You know where to find us. Yes I do. Big slap on the back there for you. Big slap on the back for Tommy. Tommy give your friend another slap in the back there. Sure. Turn around there Davey. Oh I just broke your ankle. Looks like you're stuck here. What a crap. What a crap slap on the back.
Oh you're hiding Courtney. Hiding him. Jesus. No I'm fine. You're a one time. Bring him in. I'm fine. No no. Let go of me. Let go of me. I'm fine. I'm fine. Move the yogurt. I'm moving I'm moving. Why is it outside of the fridge Jenny? It's cultivating. It's cultivating. It's not. It's going off. It's cultivating. Some of it cultivates inside. I'm not saying you should be with her. I'm saying I'm not being a break a buffer. We've had a discussion Jenny. No we haven't. What?
I'm going to close the door here. No no I'm getting out the door. I don't think this is right. I don't think the two of us. No I don't think you should have broken his ankle. I agree that was a terrible move. Where are you going? No no that's not the only thing that's been broken up. Oh well I can put the fridge in. Tommy don't you dare leave me here. I can put the yogurts back in the fridge if you feel that strongly. I'm sorry. It's been a good run. Tommy come back. I have to run now. What?
Tommy you son of a bitch. I don't want to be with you anymore. Tommy. What? Son of a bitch. Davy's there to tell you more about it. Davy. Take a seat Jenny. I loved you. Loved? Yep past tense. Take this pamphlet it'll explain everything. So you've been broken up with by Tommy. Yeah. Why is there details for a sequel on the back of this? Oh it'll happen again. To me or to for him? I don't know Jenny. All I know is it's just you and me now. Yeah we're gonna be here. I can hang you right back up.
Do you want me to break the other ankle? For you. Okay it's named just through the window. I'll pay you back for the taxi you ordered. Thanks. Do they come up? Yeah. Bye. Wow. Some of this yogurt's good and cultivated. I'll just put that on the ankle. Lactose intolerant. Look at that. Lactose intolerant. Don't worry it's Greek so that's good. It's good strong stuff there. It's cultivating well I'm sure. I don't think it's helping at all.
Don't worry there's plenty of granola for as long as you need it. You're taking this break up remarkably well. You guys mind that I'm here as well? Oh Izzy. I had Izzy here as my buffer. As your buffer? Yeah. What are you buffering? I just was worried that conversation would get stilted when you were here. Well Izzy's fuck all yous. You've been awful quiet. Oh boy. She's awful quiet but it's just nice to know that she's always there if needed.
She's got the combination of being very quiet and very annoying. Yeah it's an impressive quality. Do you want me to talk more? I can't okay. That's usually the response. Why are your teeth outside of your lips? Well that's a very rude question. Well I find looking at your face to be rude honestly. It's rude to go around with a face like that. To be fair he does have a broken ankle so this might be displacement right now. I wouldn't take this. Are you trying to nag me?
Oh I'm not trying to nag you. You fancy me. One broken heart can see that you have a face like a wood chipper. Jenny if you could just leave us alone in the cabin for a few minutes. Don't leave me Jenny. Don't leave me. I'm going to open a yogurt pot now and just get started. Shana na na na. Don't finger the pot. It's dripping down your hand. It's onto your shoulder now. I don't even have to put it into my mouth to get it on my teeth. No you don't. It looks like your teeth are getting bigger.
Yes extra calcium. Oh my god. Well I guess this is going to happen one way or the other. I consent. I consent. Hello and thank you for listening to season 2 of Back to Dumb Bracken. Back to Dumb Bracken will be releasing weekly every Tuesday until the end of time. Time of course is a variable construct that is constantly changing. The end of time for Dumb Bracken season 2 might not be the end of time of all of human history. This episode was sponsored by no one so that's nice.
Where is that going? Oh yeah this episode featured. Say it with me folks. Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Ger Donley, Luke Benson, John Close, Saul Greenberg, Christine Clark and Mark Henry. If you want to check out more, if this just isn't enough, if this whole one week shebang for one different podcast isn't enough then oh boy have I got some great recommendations of improv podcasts for you.
Luke Benson who featured in this episode hosts my favourite of all time podcasts, my favourite podcast in the entire world, Luke What's After Happening, which is another improvised podcast. It's a history podcast where they take the history of something and make it up on the spot. If that sounds confusing, it's not. It's exactly what I just said. To trust what I just said and then listen to it and you're like oh that's exactly what he just said. Yeah that makes sense.
If you want to know more about Dumbraken, follow us at DumbrakenPod. That's when you'll get to see more guest information and just random stuff that I put up. The opening and closing credits are done by Connor Mallon and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now. This has went on way too long. Thank you as always. Pachton and Dumbraken will be releasing weekly every Tuesday until the end of season 2.