Welcome to the community garden, where there's plots of land and plots of intrigue. Oh, you're walking away from me. Welcome back to Dunbracken. Anya, have you planted all these leeks? Am I the first one you accuse every time there's an unapproved vegetable planted? The t-shirt doesn't help. And like, to be fair Anya, every time I have accused you of the past, it has been you. So I'm just going off a body of evidence.
It just makes it all easier to frame me. Just because I'm wearing a t-shirt of two leeks high-fiving doesn't mean that I would plant leeks. Yeah, well the last time that this happened it was aubergine, so it was two aubergine high-fiving. A bit of a pattern. It was a firm handshake. They weren't high-fiving. Do you bake these t-shirts yourself? I'm glad you asked. Yes, I can make t-shirts on demand. I take my card, it's got a QR code for my website.
I don't think that is the issue at hand. We had discussed and agreed to do mixed planting this year in the beds. We did. I planted some roses. Well now, they're just leeks. I just feel victimized. Oh, surprised, are you Anya? Surprised? I'm not buying it. I'm not that surprised because someone has to fight you every single time. It wasn't me though. These are very good quality t-shirts. Thank you. Has anything come up on your side of the fence since?
What are you trying to know? I just wanted to find out if you had the same problem as I've got on this side. You said it would be okay, but it's coming up down towards the bottom of my garden. Don't talk too loud, the z is everywhere. I'm talking quietly. You're the one that insists on staying on your side of the fence. Oh my god, I'm the loud one. Jesus, you're gonna spill the beans all over the place and they're gonna know.
I wasn't saying anything, I was just trying to ask you discreetly, is there anything on your side? I may have had a few tibbles. What happened to them? What did you do with them? I don't think it's the right time to tell yet. Well, you need to come up with something because I think I've managed to cover everything up on this side. There was quite a lot, but... Look, he'll be gone by Friday, you promised.
Right, well, okay, well look, on your head, I mean, if anything happens, if anything shows up on your side, then you're on your own. What do you think them two are talking about? Probably football. Probably something dumb. Yeah. I don't know, they come like this really weird, like... They're both hunched over. Yeah, they're hunchin'. And it makes me think they're sharing secrets. Oh, and you're secret telling? I think they could be secret telling. Secret telling without us?
I mean, you know, we're neighbors as well, and all four of us have the shared bit of the fence in the middle. Sure, we're all, yeah, it's a perfect X, yeah. Yeah, it's a perfect X. We call our little meeting spot the perfect X. Yeah, I don't know, maybe you should go and see what's going on. Should we go over and see what's happening? Maybe they're talking about us. Dan, this can't go on any longer. We need to come clean. No, I'm never telling anyone what we've done. But we need to.
I'm never telling. We agreed. Yeah, but things change. It's got too serious now. I'm up all night thinking about it. I'm not doing it. You know I'm not. You know I get panic attacks, and that's why we agreed never to reveal it. I just can't live with myself. I'm going to tell. No! So you do what you need to do, but it ends now. Hey, Dan. Hey, Colour. Sorry I was late. We have something to tell you. No, we don't. Huh? You need to know. Should I set out my little camping still first?
Yeah, I think you should sit down. What Dan wants to tell you is I don't think we've ever told you how much we appreciate you. That's lies. That's nice. That's not what we're here to tell you. Are you saying you don't appreciate him, Dan? Yeah, that's also untrue. Did you just forget a fishing rod? Because I have a fishing rod in the van. If one of you has forgot a fishing rod, I can just get my spare.
You know what? I did forget a fishing rod. That is exactly what Dan wanted to say. Isn't that right, Dan? No, it isn't. That's right, Dan. That's what he wanted to say. I'll go grab that. Back in a minute. What are you doing? Will you greet? No, what are you doing? We wouldn't tell. I need to get it off my chest. No, you don't. You need to keep it in your chest. I can't anymore. There's already so much stuff in there. Yeah, well, one more thing's not going to hurt now, you said? It does hurt.
Yeah, well, it hurts me to get things out. I'm still going to tell him. I don't care. As soon as he comes back, I'm telling him. So you may get ready. Then after the sixth divorce, I guess I started to realize perhaps me and Margaret weren't ready for each other. You know, six divorces to one person is a lot, isn't it? That's when I started to think perhaps we weren't right for each other.
But we tried it three more times for sure. Nine marriages, me and Margaret, and only ever stopped after I got hit by a bus and landed in a coma for 17 years. Oh, we did still get married once whilst I was in that coma. And of course, I would like to help you with the hole you're digging here. But I'm on strict doctor's orders. No digging, no planting, no cropping, no plotting. I don't know this no more. Got a bad back, you see. I tried to run a marathon, didn't I?
And whenever I was in week three of my training and preparations, I fell down a ditch and wasn't discovered for four days. I had a family of ducks that started living beside me on day two. And we got quite close. And eventually, one of them started walking across the road, caused a car crash. The car went over me. But that was how I was discovered. I was too weak to talk, of course. So everyone thought I was in the car crash.
And rumors started of an affair between me and the driver of the car, Gerald Finnegan. And don't get me wrong, Gerald Finnegan is a lovely, lovely man who is a dreamboat of a person. Everyone knows I'm surprised I was even put in his league for an affair. I was very pleasantly surprised, I will be honest. I would have said that Gerald Finnegan, that Gerald Finnegan was much out of my league. So that was a nice confidence boost once I got out of the hospital after three weeks.
So now I just come here to relax and chat to new friends and old friends alike. Look, I fed him and everything and he promised me he'd be away by Friday. That's it, that's all it is, it's not much. Just we're so close, just don't mess it up. I told you it was a bad idea. I won't, I won't. Two cups of sugar and one half a cup of Baileys. Baileys at this time? No, yeah. We're having a little naughty pre-session. Morning mimosas, everybody. We're just sharing a recipe for Bailey's cheesecake.
Right. Oh, yeah. I don't know, because we were talking about the hunched over. You were like, how did you? When you're hunched over, that's your level. I was just looking and seeing what the bottom of the fence, see if it just needed a touch of paint. Daryl, you threw your hands up at one point and that's usually when you're getting accused of something, you get defensive. I was like, oh. That's such a good recipe. Yeah, I was like, oh, Bailey's never thought of that. It's revolutionary.
And I was just, I'm just stupid because my back hurts a bit, you know. Okay, well, we'll leave you to it. Okay. That's okay. So they have no clue about the hobo living at the bottom of the yard. I don't know. I have no idea. I think we're finally going to get away with it. Yeah. Oh, thank goodness. We were in trouble. Because we've been taking turns. Taking turns, yeah. Like a cat moving between gardens. Between just our two. I've been feeding him one tin of cream of mushroom soup every week.
Oh, that's not good. I've been giving them tuna. I don't know if they'll mix well. Oh. Well, I guess. No, probably wouldn't. I'll change mine. I have a load of different tins. What do you think, though? They're talking about something. I don't know. They were overlooking. I think they've got a secret. I don't know why they came over and then why they just left like straight away. It's like so suspicious. Yeah. I think anyway, he loves lasagna, but I'm starting to wean him off it. Loan to what?
Well, I'm getting worried. If I keep giving him lasagna, he's going to hang about. But like he said, he said he'll be gone by Friday. Gone by Friday. He said that before. Well, yeah, then he went to you and then he came back. Do you think they know? Is it possible they know? Why would he go there? I was giving him lasagna. Yeah, but you were and then he came to me. Do you think maybe he's visiting more than? No. Do they know? Do they think that we know that they know?
I don't think they have any idea what's going on. There's no way to know about this. No clue. Don't worry, though, because I put a little air tag into his jacket pocket so I can track him around the house. And then I put a collar on him as a little camera. That's so cute. So then I can see him climbing on the fences and stuff. That's so cute. Oh my God. Where is he at now? The cemetery. Just like hanging around? Just hanging around.
That kind of makes me feel weird because it's like, are we not doing enough for him? Well, I guess maybe he just wants to roam in the fresh air. I don't know. Like, are they allowed to roam? Like, should they not be kept indoors? No, well, we keep them outdoors, don't we? I suppose we do. Anya, not to distract the topic of PAND, but could you do like branded t-shirts for all this? None of this like gimmicky stuff. Gimmicky? They're high-fiving. I don't think that's a gimmick. I think that's...
It's not very professional. No, it's not. This is just a community garden though. I don't do like corporate work. I think that t-shirt printing is an art. Yeah, but I'm not saying I'd pay you, but like if we went to the council... Oh, for this quality. I got funding. Oh, like for the community garden? Yeah. Oh yeah. Branded stuff. I'm sorry for pulling on your t-shirt so much, but for this quality I'd pay. How do you get in on that? You know what? Oh wow. I'm starting to think...
Okay, you two are both pulling on my t-shirt now. This is a little bit uncomfortable. Yeah, but it won't stretch. That's good quality. Oh wow, yeah. I thought the leaks and the mayhem were what you were after on you, but I'm starting to think it's all about the t-shirts and the merchandising opportunities. Which came first? The leaked t-shirt or the planted leaks? That's a very good question. Well, they're quite clearly independent train of thoughts.
I made a t-shirt and the same night some sort of leak incident happened. I think it's just, you know, I don't know who did it, but we share a wavelength. And now you're proposing we mass produce these t-shirts? Oh no, that was my idea. Again, I wasn't proposing any of the sort. I'm just wearing my own t-shirts. I just hope we don't have to kick anyone else out like Alberto last year. We said we wouldn't mention that name again. Sorry. Could it be that perhaps Alberto is vengeful?
He still claims he was framed. Sorry. I met up with him. You're saying Alberto came back to town and planted leaks in the night on you. Really? I did meet up with him a week ago. Not in town, but it was far away. And just coincidentally, the morning after you've worn your leaked t-shirt. I'm not saying Alberto has or hasn't done it. All I'm saying is you're quick to accuse and my t-shirt is unrelated to the incident. Look, I'd say it was less gimmicky if it wasn't a jumping high five.
If the leaks feet were in the ground and they were doing like a sturdy high five, different. Gives off a different vibe. But I think because it's like a high school musical type jump. But I really like how it looks as if they're jumping out of the soil. Like they've just been, they've just done enough to jump out of the soil. It looks very clever. They're like, we're ready. Like they have a skirt. Yeah. We're ready to be in a stew. Leeks want to be in the ground.
Leeks want to be in the ground, right? It's provocative. This is what I'm talking about with it being art. This is more of a Rorschach test. You feel constrained and see them as leaks of being out of their place. Whereas you see the freedom that they feel and that they're exuberant about it. What does the speech bubble that says, I did it, I planted them mean? I see evidence of a misdemeanor. Why is no one else upset about this? George, your roses, they're gone. Yeah. Wait a minute.
Where did they go? They've been replaced by leaks. You know, you won't get any nice flowers now after we agreed on the mixed bed planting. I mean, I will say that I hadn't planted anything yet. So Anya or whoever planted the leaks has really helped me out. And that was my fourth job, I think after leaving high school. That was whenever I touched up boilers for people. Yes. And I didn't have any qualifications. And those days you didn't need them. So I just started touching up some boilers.
In fact, I found that I can make some work for myself by touching up some boilers, then going around and saying, hey, your boiler's been touched up. So I'll fix it up for you. I got to learn on the job, didn't I? Then yeah, it was lovely. Oh, that's a nice rod. Is that for me? Well, I guess you can have it. Yeah, this is my first one. But yeah, you can use it. That's fine. Yeah, I'll use the spare one. That's fine. It's to do with the back garden. Huh? Yeah. You know, the back garden.
Oh, the shared back garden. Yeah. Yeah. Those neighbors we can all go into. Yeah. Do you remember we got the fence read on and we all chipped in for it? Oh yeah. Like what was it? Well, we got 120 each or so. That was pretty good. And everyone says the reviews are great. I want to get the number off the guy who did that, because that was a really good job. Yeah. And really reasonable. We looked it up on Nextdoor and everyone says it's a lovely job because he took pictures.
He took pictures and they say, yeah, it's the nicest shared garden they've ever done. And what for like 10 houses, 120? And that's everything there is to say about it. Isn't that right Dan? There's nothing more to say about it. That's everything there is to say. The pictures have undone us. The council have gotten contact. It's one foot higher than is legal. We didn't have plan and permission for this. Who? So you just found out?
It's because he was putting pictures up on Nextdoor saying, look at our brilliant fence. And the council have found out. So you just realised? So we can just say the council we didn't know will? And Dan here had to tell everyone how tall he is. We shouldn't have taken so many pictures of me standing right beside it. Why did you have to post, I love being five foot five? So we went, you know, I love being five foot five. They can tell how tall it is if they know how tall you are.
So we went above the community guidelines. Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus. I'm not going to hide who I am. And who I am is five foot five. You're always denying me my truth. It's fine for you to be that high. Oh, is it? I don't want to be sick again. So the fence has to come down. The whole thing? Can't we just like shorten it? We can get the guy back. We'll just. No, it's all done to spec. There's no if you do that, it structurally is unsound. And then there's a bigger fucking problem.
Who knows? Who knows? The council knows. The council knows. So that's it. That's it done. And so where you're currently digging, which is quite a big hole. This is currently a plot that has been designated as it will eventually be cemented over, paved over. And it's going to become the new designated disability car parking spot, because apparently we're being very ableist in our car parking spots. So we've had to make some changes.
So it would be in advised to plant anything here that you would think would not be ready in about one month. Oh, you're just throwing the carpet right in there. Oh, OK. Right in the carpet goes. I like that you're using your carpet. That'll probably help it to take root. That's very clever. But yeah, you'll need to harvest this within a month or else it will just be paved over for the designated disabled car parking spot, as I did say. Oh, my God, he's gone. He's gone.
I just seen his coat on the cap flap. He's supposed to squeeze out again. Well, have you checked the app on your phone? Can you track him? Hopefully. I mean, like the tag I had on his ankle is like still there. I'll check now. Where is he? Oh, my God, he's at the cemetery. What's he doing there? He's got no family. Do we know too enough for him? I think I'm actually kind of worried about him. Do you want to head down to the cemetery now and? We'll check your tag that you have. Yeah, sure.
Yep. Still at the cemetery. Have you been putting it in the soup? Sometimes I find he kind of notices when it's just kind of bobbing on top of the soup because I don't even like heat the soup up. I just kind of give him the open tin and like put the tracker on top, hoping that he'll think it's a mushroom. Your car has the receiver, right? It'll take us to straight to the roof. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Well, we got to go. We got to go down to the cemetery. I'm worried about him now.
It isn't charged. The car isn't charged. Oh my God. It's freaking electric. Oh, hey. Hey guys. Wow. I ran out of cheese. No way. I ran out of cheese. We got to go to the shop. Yeah, we're going to go to the shop. We're actually going to the flower shop. Flower shop. Because I ran out of petunias. You need some petunias for? The cemetery. For your mom's grave. Because we're going to my mom's grave. We're going to the cemetery. Yeah. Nice. Because my mom, no one ever visits her. It's nice.
What do you think? I haven't been to the cemetery in ages. I haven't been in ages. Which is like in the car. It would be nice. You want to come pay respects to my mom? I mean, let me check my phone for something. Yep. Go to the cemetery. Should we go to... Your car is not plugged in there. I know. That's what I'm saying. I'm such a silly goose. We can't go to the shop anyway. We can go to the carpool. I hope it's not too much trouble. We can drop them off on... We can pop by the store as well.
Go straight to the cemetery. We'll go straight there. Wonderful. I'm going to go and check on... And my son, of course, he doesn't talk to me, but that's because he can't talk to anyone. He's mute. Won't say a word to no one. But he has other forms of communication. He's a lovely drawer. He's a fantastic drawer. Very good at the sign language. And I can't do it anymore on account of my hands not working for me because of the arthritis. So we have lovely locks and lovely silences.
My mother, she's still cooking. She's still cooking along, rightly. She's 104 years old. She also doesn't speak to me. Not like my son, no. She does not like my character. She thinks I'm weak-willed and stubborn. And a fool. And she says I'm ugly. I think it's important that we all go around and say what we were going to plant so that we know that it couldn't have been any one of us. Look, I will just put it out there. I have nothing against leeks, per se. Just I don't want only leeks, OK?
There'll be so many. I'm going to be having, like, leek and potato soup for months. And then eventually, when the potatoes run out, just leek soup. There's so many leeks here. You were going to plant roses. Yes. You were going to plant... Hyacinth, what were you going to plant? Carrots and herbs. What were you going to plant? I will be honest. I was going to defy her and plant a select number of leeks. I wasn't going to dominate the garden with these three.
Mm-hmm. So, OK, you just coincidentally were intending to plant leeks. I also was coincidentally intending on planting leeks. So you really have helped me out. Interesting. Or whoever it was. So, OK. Oh, hang on. Quite clearly, there's some sort of leek wavelength going on in this town. We are all on our own volition, coming off the idea of planting leeks. They're so adaptable. You can put them in anything. There's two of you. I see. I see.
Wait, what if someone took my rose seeds and gave me leek seeds? What if I have been a patsy? I mean, they're visibly grown. They're probably, like, planted as bulbs already. Oh, OK. Good, good, good, good. So they just dug up my seeds. But I love your enthusiasm. You didn't see this as some sort of subterfuge planting. You saw it as a miracle occurring overnight. I just don't know how leeks grow. I'm starting to see it as an organized crime. Sounds very much like you had an accomplice on you.
That's not in the community spirit. No, it is not, George. Thank you. Agreement is in the community spirit. Again, it wasn't me. And it wasn't me. I'm too disorganized. I was busy screen printing. I can see that on you. Yes, it's screen printed. Yes. Oh, I would have thought you sent it off to your printers. No, I make it by myself. That's more rustic. It's more lo-fi. Not in a bad way. Russ. Onyes had said it was an art and therefore couldn't risk companies mass producing them.
Guys, it's just the lack of trust. If you were so set on... It's your lack of trust in us. We all trust each other apart from you. If you were so set on leeks, why did you agree to the mixed planting? You could have lobbied for leeks. I didn't know whether people were going to go for leeks. I would love some leeks, but I agreed on roses. We could have discussed it as a committee and all agreed on leeks. It's not the leeks, it's the betrayal. It's the lies and the subterfuge and the evil.
That really cuts me deep. Again, I did not plant all of the leeks. And while I was going to defy you, it was just going to be a select number of leeks. This is far too many leeks. I was going to plant leeks instead of tomatoes. So you're saying you planted some of the leeks, but not all. No, I had intended to. Well, somebody, as yet unspecified, has filled the entire bed with leeks. There's no room for anything else.
We got a statistical analysis person in to do a statistical analysis and they said the likelihood of us all putting the same thing in was one in a thousand. It also seems to have happened overnight, which isn't normal for the community garden. Somebody planted half-grown leeks. We're very much a daytime activity group. It must have been Alberto. Alberto? Alberto. I said we wouldn't speak his name again. Well, we have to make a determining factor that it was him.
He's clearly in the area if you met him for a drink. And he held a grudge. You met him? Yeah, I said earlier I met him last week for a drink. The betrayals come thick and fast, George. Oh, no, I didn't mean to. It might move on to legal action. So I guess we can't put in for the community garden competition then? No, that's that fucked. Oh, come on. I had just got my daisies ready to go. We can't have the garden party, your birthday that we're going to have. What? We can't have that anymore.
We can't have that there just because the fence is too high. It's a structural risk. I invited Jessica already. I know it was a month away. That was a bit, it's a bit far in advance. It wasn't like a confirmed invite, but we were just working together. I was like, hey, this thing's happening. I was being real nonchalant about it, especially because it was at a community garden. So it was like anyone can show up. So it wasn't even a bit. Oh, well, you're going to find some excuse.
Are you going to tell them it's not a community garden anymore? What? Or community garden? It's not a community. The hits keep coming up. What is it? They've delisted it. It can't ever be classed as a community garden ever again. Exactly. So that's that. And not only that, once the fence comes down, they're going to come around and they're going to salt the earth. It's wasteland. It's a brown site now. They're just getting rid of a full acre of good green grass. Perfect soilage.
Because someone didn't check what height the fence was. What are they going to turn it into? It's just going to be a reminder for any... It's like trying to get an alcohol license. Once you get one, you know... You'll never get it back again. Are they just using our garden as an example for anyone else who tries to go against them? It's landfills. They're doing local landfills. Five minute city landfills. So our house prices are all just going to be tanked?
No. But the good news is we won't have to go very far to put the bins out. I suppose that's not bad. Save a bit of money there. That's nice. It just goes straight in if we're in our landfills catchment area, which they haven't released yet. It's a good chance we won't be though. We can't rely on that. Can I have my party at one of your gardens? No. No? No. I'm busy. I'm washing it that day. Washing the food? Yeah, getting the grass washed. Oh. But you'd attend anyway if I had a...
If Jessica's going, I'll go. Well, I need it at someone else's. I can't invite Jessica to my garden. I need it at someone else's, so it's more of a casual... Oh, if she's free, I might do a barbecue. That sounds good. I'll go do that. Yeah, yeah. I'll invite her, like, for my birthday. Huh? No, no, it wouldn't be for your birthday. That's fine as long as it's something like I can just be there nonchalant when I'm... I don't think I can say it. I don't even have to say it for my birthday.
No, no more than four households. It's not a community garden. No, but Stan... It's your... But you did invite her to a community garden thing, so this isn't one. On the day of it. Yeah, but, okay, so you three... She'll be disappointed otherwise. Yeah. Best you actually just stay out of it, I think. Really? Don't I upset her anymore? Jessica... You're gonna drop out on her, so she probably won't want to see you anyway. I don't have to drop out. I can have it some...
Yeah, but the plan's changed. It should be weird about it. Oh, are my parents still going? Yeah, that's the fourth household. Dan, me, Jessica, and your parents. They're bringing the babs, I think. That's unbelievable. That is typical of them. Yeah. They're always trying to get a third. And of course, there's Martha. She is a mean woman, but she has every right to be Moira Green, who salted the earth. Specifically, salted most of Martha's earth.
And she didn't actually stop here at the community garden. She went to Martha's home and salted her entire private garden and her entire house inside. Salted her bed, salted her boy. Was a 21-year-old man who was... He was thoroughly salted in his sleep. Didn't wake up, didn't know what was happening. Just woke up very dehydrated. And that was all because she was simply getting a prescription before Moira. Because she was there first. She's a mean woman, but she's earned her meanness.
And Philip over there, you would want to avoid his plot and any adjacent plots. He is trying to grow rat poison. He thinks it comes from a flower, and he just keeps putting rat poison in the ground. I think it will grow a bush. It has not, and it keeps killing most of the adjacent plots. I feel like as a town, we should be more accepting and banish less people. Yeah, disagree with that. You've got to draw a hard line. It's just... Like your t-shirts.
Oh, you see them as a hard line rather than flexible... The material, so... Yes, but you can see there's a bit of stretch to it and it just retains its shape. Actually, like in fairness, I would say they have slightly more of an airbrushed quality. Thank you. First kind thing you said all evening. Well, it's just a factual statement. It's a kind of factual statement. Alright. Have we considered the option that it was you and you're projecting onto others?
You think it was me and I'm accusing you? I'm just saying, have we considered the option? That I myself planted the leeks that I don't want in the bed. I mean, we only have your word for it. You wanted rid of them from somewhere, clearly. We've got rid of them so far. We also haven't come up with any sensible suggestion of how it happened so far. They're half grown overnight. From someone's personal garden. Yeah, they couldn't be grown here.
Someone had to be growing this many and then put them all in here. So you think George someone has transplanted them from somewhere else? From somewhere else. So if we find another bed of leeks that's empty... Well, how would we know it was a bed of leeks? Maybe it was originally bigger and they just took some of them. Yeah, all we've got to do is track down, I would say, the first person we found was a barren plot and we banished them. I think we should start with Hyacinth's house.
I think this feels like a lot of effort for an after work activity. Again, why would they be in my house? That makes no sense. Oh no, your house and your house's garden. This is my garden. The community garden. It's my primary garden. She's been pointing the finger all evening. Yes. Yes. It's not very community based. Because the several times this has happened before, it was you, Anya. You've accused me every time and I've denied it every time.
And it's turned out in hindsight to be you every time. We were never able to prove it, but then almost without fail, three months later, you confess to it. Now this could, just to play devil's advocate, it could be a copycat killer. A copycat who has seen the crimes that Anya has done previously. And sorry, I will draw your attention back to the T-shirt that Anya is parading around in front of us. I know I've confessed in the past, but it's really just to draw a line under it.
I can assure you, I've been innocent every time. So you're reneging on your previous confessions now? Yeah. I just thought if I confess, we could have one get together for trying to solve a crime. Because I told Alberto last week that you did the aubergine. Did he act surprised? He was very angry and wanted to get back at you. Okay. Well, perhaps the punishments are for a reason. I see that now. So, um, where's, uh, where's, where's, where's the grave?
Oh yeah, it's nice. Oh, I think I have relatives around here. I'm just going to go look around. Good evening, ladies. You have relatives that way. I have relatives this way. John! John! Wait, you know John? No, I don't know who this person is. I've never seen him before. What do you mean? You know Mike John? You think I didn't realize the tracker you'd planted on me? I told you you were on your own. You didn't tell me you never washed your ankles. Which tracker? Which one? Which one?
All of them. My ankle, my neck, this lovely color, I might say. And I noticed the one on the soap. What? Yes, I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. I thought you'd think it was a mushroom. Look, ladies, it's time I've come clean. I'm not really a hobo. What? I'm actually a secret millionaire. Oh my god. Oh my god. Can I just point out that I'm the only one who did put a tracker on you? I've seen your car. I've seen this to the sat nav. It's got a picture of me in it.
Yes, but it's not attached to you. They all violated- Do you not remember whenever you drove him around in the cage? He had plenty of time to see. Shit. Look, this has all been an elaborate experiment. I fed you lasagna. I just want to say that. It was lovely. It was a lovely lasagna. We really cared for you. I really cared for you. I'm sorry I deceived you. You said my Billy's Cheesecake was to die for. It really was. It really is. It's a lovely cheesecake. The lasagna was great. Thank you.
Tinned soup. I mean, that was a struggle, even for me. Really? That's a bit much. You could have at least heated it up. No, you're a homeless. Have you no pity in your heart? I gave you soup? That's pity plenty. You're a monster, and you're still sticking by it. For that reason, you're out. What? Oh my god. No. Now, the three of you- I see. What about my tuna casserole? The tuna casserole was nice. It was alright. I don't much like fish. Oh, sorry. At least it was warm.
Look, the three of you have won. You're on to the next round. We're going to my secret island in Barbados. Ooh. Yes, there'll be a yacht picking you up at the docks. A yacht? Oh my god. Where will he be taking me? Where will he be taking me? Shut up, you monster. Goodbye. Clancy. Now, Clancy's a good one. You can get in good with him, then you'll find out all the horse betting. As with Clancy, he has a system with the horses. Back to Dumbraken. His system never fails.
See, he keeps the horse racing down at the racetracks. He shoots wild riders. For more information from the podcast, you can follow us at Dumbrakenpod on Instagram. And usually, results in him getting winnings for one of the riders dying. Patrick Meyer. Laura Conlon. Marcus Keighley. Gareth is over there, of course. Kiernsandz. He's a nice man. If you want to learn how to correctly join a cult and correctly leave a cult, you can talk to Gareth.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now. Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dumbraken very soon. And then the other friend that died was Derek, and he didn't have a lot of time left, you know. He was always one for not wasting time. He was like, we've only got a hundred years on this planet. Turned out he only had 26 years, so he was right in a way. And he never amounted to much.
He had just got a job at a start-up. And after he died, that start-up actually went on to become one of the wildest-grossing streaming platforms ever.