Hey, is there a queue for the microwave at the moment? Or is it just your stuff? Like can I get my mushrooms in here after that? Um, I've got a couple things that I'm going to be microwaving. Whenever I'm done with the sauce, I'm going to be moving on to the steak. But there's no one after you? No, but I'm just letting you know I might be a while. That's okay. That's okay. No, I have 26 mushrooms to microwave. Stuffed mushrooms. Sorry, I should clarify. Alright, cool.
It's a stuffed mushroom for everyone in the office. I get that you're already sort of spoken for for lunch. But if you want a side of a stuffed mushroom, I've got a stuffed mushroom for you. Not microwaved yet, but it will be if you want it. I usually take a long time to microwave things because I kind of like being alone. Oh, no, that's okay. No, I wasn't. You can come back in like five minutes and I'll be done.
Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to impose. I'm more so treating this as like a virtual queue kind of thing. I just wanted to like give my spa after you. I'll remember you. Don't worry. You will come and find me after you're done and make sure that no one else gets the microwave before anyone else takes it. Is that okay? Yes, that's okay. That's okay. Welcome back to Dunbracken. This here, this is where I keep the supplies. That's nice. That's really nice.
That big steel door. That's what I close down so that no one can see. And of course, the tarp that I pulled off beforehand. Unfortunately, when I'm in here, I can't get it back over. So everyone can see the door and I just pray to God that they don't find it in time. What? You're in the middle of a roundabout, Harry. Yes, my bunker in the middle of a roundabout is, whenever I'm in it, visible to the human
eye. Yes, because the tarp, the little camouflage tarp that looks like a pile of roses, I can't, I haven't worked out a way of closing it over when I'm inside. I could have someone else, but then... Harry, you're asking me to die. No, I'm not asking you to die. I'm showing you this bunker because I thought it was really cool and I put a lot of effort into it, but I was, I just, I have more to show you in the bunker. I didn't mean to get caught up in the door thing. I don't want to go inside.
You're not going to go inside? I'm scared of this. It's fine. We might be in the middle of a roundabout, but it's the safest of all places. Just drive. I can't, there's no, there's no, left or right? Just drive. What, through it? No, obviously not through it. Just follow the road. It's been a mistake. It's road just goes in a circle. I don't understand. Look, mate, just go counterclockwise on it. What, so, well, what time is it? Four. Right. So what does that mean?
You're thinking of mainland Europe here? It's clockwise. Is it clockwise here? I think so. I'm sorry, man. I apologize. It's a time zone. So does that count? Well, then it's five o'clock in mainland Europe. So. So drive. Right. Or left. I'm not the navigator. I'm sitting in the back here. You see the way that car went. You're not the navigator. I'm the driver. So what the fuck are you then? You're just a passenger, are you? I am. Yeah. Right. Well, here's, here's a bit of news for you, mate.
All right. Here's the keys. You decide. Fine. Get out. I'll drive. Fine. I'm staying in the middle seat. Yeah, no, that's fine. We know you get carsick anywhere else. Yeah, no, I have to stay. I'm sitting in the back. I'm not sitting up the front with him. Yeah, get out. Well, I'm not moving over. Fucking move. No, I'm staying in the middle seat. No, I get car fighting. OK. But if I get sick, it's your fault. Good. Can't you just sit in the front? No. All right. Well. We're not friends.
Yeah, we don't need to be friends. I've had some of my worst enemies sitting in the front move me. Tim, you're going to have to get out and go into the front seat. Yeah, I am. Don't rush me. OK, but. I'm just. All right, fine. Here. He has to, he has to psych himself up for every little thing. I'm going. All right. A number of scenarios running through. You know me. I love scenarios. Yeah. What if we go inside and the tarp goes back on?
Then that's better. The door is heavy enough to lift the tarp up. OK. It's a very low and weak tarp. Tell me this is a weak tarp. It's a weak tarp. This is a weak tarp. What else have you skimped on in this bunker? What do you mean? Let's go inside and you can gauge. You can look at all the scenarios of everything I've skimped on. Listen, if you open the door, I'll look in, but I'm not descending down those steps.
You have to descend down the steps. It's a 12 foot ladder. You won't see anything other than darkness. Maybe you go down the ladder, describe it, audio describe it to me. Fine. You know what? I will. I will. Actually, no, I could describe it to you right now because I've been inside so I could tell you what's there without going inside. You could describe it and then go inside and see how your description differs. It's funny how the human mind works.
And right. Happy now? Happy I'm in the right seat? Yeah, you're in the right seat. Roll up the window before I drive. I don't want you throwing up. Master, you got to. You got to. You got to. You got to. You got to. You got to. You got to. Your car is good. This is really OK. It's not my car. You saw me get the key. You're the driver. That doesn't give me ownership. Well, if we get into an accident, the insurance is on you. So. If we get an accident, I'll make sure the middle gets it.
Well, we'll get into an accident because I don't know how to drive around this round thing. I know how to drive. I'm taking off my seatbelt. So if we go in an accident, I go straight through the windshield because I'm done listening to you. Put on your seatbelt or get out of the goddamn car. I'm not having you die in this car. Not if you two are keeping fighting. And get out. We're not going to stop fighting, are we?
Sorry, lads. He's heading down this ladder here. There's a bit of a queue forming just and. What? Hey. I said there's a queue here. We just assume that you're going to head down the ladder somehow. Harry, I thought this was a secret bunker. This is my secret bunker. Why is there a queue? This is everybody's secret bunker. What? What about the sign inside that says Harry's? Yeah, look, so a bunch of us are getting down there just to remove those signs or replace
them with our own sign. Everyone here has got their sign with their name on it. So if we can get down there and. They're like big name badges. Look along the line. There's a lot of people here. Geraldine, Francis, George. God damn it. They all know you can read, Harry. Very proud of you. But anyway, there's a bit of a hold up here. So and there's only so much space here on the island here in the middle of the roundabout. So if you don't mind.
I see actually as the line actually now beginning to stretch into the road. It's right in the stretch in the road. So if you just want to. Just go in a circle, you fucking idiots. Go in a circle. Harry. No, but you're standing right in front of the. Can we just if you just like out of the way. Go ahead. Fine. Go ahead. I don't want to. See, when you go down the ladder, could you describe it to me from the bottom? What's up? Could you describe the bunker? Oh. Like Neco?
Like Neco. It's been quite big. It's 12 foot at all. My god, it's very far away. What do you mean it's all gone? Is that what he said? How dare you? It's lovely in there. I put a lot of work into that. Did he say something about going to the toilet? Don't you? Don't you do it? I haven't installed any toilets and facilities yet. Here comes someone here. I think it's a policeman. I don't care. Shut up. Why would you shut up? I'm not doing anything wrong.
All right, Lance. And what are we doing today? I'm not getting out of the car, officer. I don't know. He wants me to shush for some reason. It's just put your hands where I can see them. Yeah, down the wheel. Lance, Lance, Lance. Have you never seen a roundabout before? I know what a roundabout is. Definitely. I've heard it. This is my car. I've heard of them. Roundabout quiz, Lance? Oh, yeah. It's a way of talking about something without saying what it is. There you go.
Roundabout quiz number two. Which way round do you go? Hold on. Hold on. About. Guys, we've got to get our answers together. Look, it doesn't matter what they say. I'm the driver. Who's the driver? It's me. Yeah. You're responsible. Final answer. How do you go round? About. All right. About. You know what? I'm not going to say it. It's a trick question. Shut the hell up. Get out of the car. You know what? I'm done with you. Get out of the car. No, get out of the car. Fine.
Get out of the car. That's two on one. That's my car. Push him. You guys do this every time. There you go. I haven't been seatbelt bucked on. Push him out. Fine. Okay. Get out of the car. You know what? I'm not going to answer your question. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. Okay? How has this happened? This was my secret bunker. Oh. I... When you said it was a secret bunker, well initially I got very excited. I understand why. I put it on the forums.
I've told you to stop using the forums. I've tried very hard to stop using the forums. No one likes your comments. You often get down voted. Just because what I say is unpopular doesn't mean it's not true. Most of it's untrue. It's weird though that they believe this. There was a secret bunker on a roundabout. I mean enough people are going to see it for some of them to come check it out. A secret bunker in the middle of the roundabout, in the middle of the town.
People are going to check that out. Makes the top thing look insignificant. Yeah. We have bigger problems. Our friendship is failing. It is. I can't believe I've shown you another bunker and the town has stolen it from me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you put a lot of effort and money into these things. Twice. Sorry. I didn't skimped it at all. You skimped on it? I skimped on everything. Yes. Right. That's all I needed. All I needed was the two minutes. Unbelievable.
It wasn't even two minutes. Probably much less than two minutes. Wait, where's your sign? Where do you think it is? Did you put your sign up? And my sign will be replaced by Francis. Francis' sign will be replaced with the person next to the queue. So on and so forth. Let's go. That's the way it goes in the secret bunker. Hey, that's my sign. Right now I have to venture out in the middle of traffic. I just got hit by a car. I don't know why they don't look when they cross. It's a roundabout.
I'll need a witness statement from you. I'm all right, guys. Don't worry about me. That's my car. I think it was going the wrong way in the roundabout. I didn't look. Unfortunately, you're going to be charged with not understanding a roundabout and entering one anyway. I know what a roundabout is. What sort of sauce? What sauce do you think goes with a steak? I think it's pepper. Oh, I thought just tomato. It's very red. No, that's the light from inside the microwave causing that.
How do you cook your steak? In the microwave. That's why I'm here. Pretty rare. I mean, no, actually, I do it for at least seven minutes. That's not going to be rare. It's going to be cooked well through. I don't like the idea of getting poisoned by a steak. Boiled. What? What? It'll be boiled. You mean it'll be boiled? The moisture in the steak. It'll be microwaved and it will. It's not what happens, is it? It will bubble. It'll like vibrate, I think. Vibrate?
Sorry, are you laughing at the way I'm cooking my steak? I've just had bad experiences with people frying things in pans before whenever it comes to steaks. I just thought. Whenever it comes to sauces as well. Sorry, I'm talking now. I think you're done talking about your mushrooms. I heard enough about that. 26. One for each person in the office. Sorry, I heard Dave raising his voice. Are you bothering Dave about his steak? Sorry, Malcolm. Sorry. Are you OK, Dave? Because I need you.
Yeah, no. I'm sorry for shouting. For a reason, my voice is hoarse. No, no, no. You can shout if you want. That's what I'm saying. If you need to get it out, because this is an important meeting, I need you to top your game and if you want to shout, I don't want you in there frustrated. I won't be frustrated if my steak's cooked. Yeah, I was surprised to actually even see anyone in here because usually it's like, oh, Dave's in the kitchen. Stuffed mushroom day.
I was celebrating on behalf of everyone in the office. Oh, is this one of those things that they just say online like, oh yeah, it's soap day or something like that, just to try and like, I don't know, make a social media post? Is that why they do that? To just like have content. It's like, all right, it's Tuesday. There's nothing going on in the office. Let's just say it's sock day. Oh, post if you've like ever lost a sock. Oh, I haven't lost a sock in a long time.
I'm pretty good with just, you know, bundling them together to make sure that they're all there. Like you have to be a bit of a... If you check, Dave, there are six mushrooms in the Google doodle today. I'm sorry. There's two on the lowercase G. The L obviously isn't a mushroom. Yeah, but I do actually have to speak to you about this because you can't force HR to send out emails about it being a specific day anymore. I wouldn't say it's forcing.
The email that we all got this morning, HR had to send out. You've, I don't like this. I don't like this accusation of had to send out. I'm just gently reminding people. Gently. Dude, you were taking up my microwave time. You wouldn't stop talking about the mushrooms. I don't, I don't, I don't care. I really don't care. I just like to be alone with the microwave. Okay. Just hearing that. Sorry. This is a bit... Don't let it out. Let it out.
It's just the hum is just, if I can focus on that for the seven minutes while the steak is cooking, whenever I boil that on, huh? It's not going to be boiling. It's not going to be boiled. You can't boil a meat. I mean, in furnace can boil a meat, but I wouldn't say you could boil a meat in a microwave. I've been... Let it out, Dave. Let it out. I've been, I have been putting my steak in the microwave for a long time. I think I'd know if it was boiled or not. For a long time or for six minutes.
He's been here for three years. He's been here for three years in a microwave my steak. Every single day. Okay, right. There's the sauce done at least. Seven minutes. Classic starts with the sauce first. Yeah. Fine. I like to let it cool down just a little bit. Yeah, of course. Oh. I like to talk about your microwave time and you don't seem to be letting me get awarded edgewise. Because he likes to be alone. I like to be alone. I let you do all the talking at the start.
I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want... I told you I'll be like five minutes, which on me, okay, it's going to be at least seven whenever I get this steak started. But then after that, it's yours. You can talk to whoever is in the kitchen. That's fine. I just want to reserve my space in the queue. I was just curious about... We did that. We did that. You reserved your space. You were telling me in such an in-depth... I've reserved the microwave.
...the large veins full of fat are bulging right now. Yeah. Do you know how much blood isn't getting to my heart right now because it's going to the beans? You eat a lot of red meat is the impression that I'm getting from you, Dave. Probably too much. Oh, well, I mean, it's kind of obvious. It's kind of obvious. I kind of told you that a microwave is a steak. I don't know, Dave. Christ, yeah. This is probably... Is this good for my blood pressure, do you think?
It's probably not, though, but it would be great for the meeting. If you go in hot and heavy, scare those builders, that'll be great. Do you have a problem with me using the toaster? This is Dave's alone time in the kitchen. Yeah. What do you think? It's a communal kitchen. You can put something in the toaster, but I would ask that it doesn't require commentary. No, I don't want to give it commentary. OK, then do that. Put stuff in the toaster and don't talk about it. I'll keep an eye on it.
I'll give you a shout whenever it's ready, if you want. I didn't want to know the details about what you were doing in the microwave. I just wanted to know, is there anyone after you? And I told you. I told you. You've got a space. You'll be next. So wait till I'm done. If you want to put stuff in the toaster. You're in the entire process to get there. I mean, I'm surprised you didn't go to the the Maillard reaction. I told you this at the start.
There were also several silences that you filled with questions about his cooking habits. I think it's weird. OK, reserve judgment. I think it's weird to give stuffed mushrooms to everyone. It's stuffed mushroom day, Dave. It's stuffed mushroom day. Well, guess what? I don't care. It's my steak day. Is it micro steak day? Yeah, no, that's every day for you. Yeah. Crazy. Is there a doodle for your meal of choice? Why would there be a specific doodle for my meal of choice?
Oh, maybe if I contact Google, they'll be able to give me a specific doodle based on my fucking cookies or something. That works. I mean, the man who had steak for three years in a row, that kind of deserves a doodle. You can just contact Google. That guy that eats like a load of Big Macs, did he have a doodle or something like that? No, he died before they got it through. Oh, God, really? Yeah. He was like a hero to me.
Every break in this office, he had a long time in the kitchen to order a Big Mac. Do you need me in on this meeting to take any notes? Can I make a request? No to that. Don't want you in the meeting. Oh, why do you get to start handing out mushrooms? We don't know the allergies of these builders and we really need our parking spaces back. I factored in 26 mushrooms, 25 now. What do you mean 25 now? I think you revoked mushroom rights, Dave. Thank God. I don't care. I'm glad.
You still have 26 mushrooms then. How big are they? 25 for circulation. They're stuffed mushrooms. They're portobello mushrooms. They're sizable. It would have been a great size for the steak. That's going to take forever to put in a microwave. Are you going to stack them? There's maybe two mushrooms a microwave, if lucky. Well, how about maybe for future we could get another microwave and I'll just put that in like, you can stick a microwave anywhere. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous.
Stuffed mushroom day is once a year. Yeah, but so I can have a bit of a long time. With two microwaves? I'll put the microwave in the bathroom and I'll just go into the bathroom, lock the door and microwave it in there. It's protected from everything else. It's true. There's a vacuum in there so it can't get any of the gross stuff. Dave, if you get our parking spaces back, you can put a microwave wherever you want. Put one in the parking space. I don't care. That'd be perfect.
There are too many tents here in the campground. You could say it's intense. I didn't hire you for your quips and puns, Dominic. I hired you for marketing purposes. You were supposed to fill this campground. Well, Marcus, it's hard when all you have is, well, I wasn't completely honest with you. I didn't go to marketing school. I knew it. I knew it. Sebastian, have you been listening this entire time? I'm going to open the door. I knew it. I knew. I'll close the door behind you. Thanks.
Hey, let me back in. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to put you out there. Let me back in again. Wait. Oh, a lot of it. Sebastian, first of all, this is incredibly bad etiquette. I was eavesdropping because I haven't trusted this guy since he was hired. That last marketing campaign was useless. Dominic, what do you mean? You tried to sell RVs campground. You tried to give them plots of land. People will build a life here. You could have year round business if you just encourage people to stay.
Sebastian, give Dominic some credit here. You know, we don't know. We're not in the marketing world. You don't know that this wouldn't work. Although now you've also said that you didn't go to marketing school. So now I don't know what to think. Well, look, I'm just very passionate. That's how they got me. They were like, you should stand at the window. You should get into this. And I was like, I don't have any money. Like you will one day and once you do come back to marketing school.
I thought I'd just bring that joy to other people, you know. I guess marketing is just con men trying to trick normal people. I'm a proud marketeer. It's like pioneer, but marketing. Wow. That's the first thing I learned. But you didn't go to school. I heard it through the glass. Ah man, after my own ears. Hold on a second. So you did go to marketing school. Well, it came through a bit muffled, you know, because they realized eventually they added more glass the longer the semester went on.
Hold on. So you went to marketing school, you just didn't get a formal qualification. I didn't get it. I'm like you in that sense, Dominic Marcus. You didn't have a formal education. Hold on a second. How do you know my real name is Dominic Marcus? Well, I didn't. I just sometimes say my own name to give myself confidence. Sebastian. That was week one. What? I was trying it out. Did it work? No. I know what kind of do for you there.
Yeah, I just what's the rules with like what kind of keys you can cut. If you own them, I'll cut them. Okay. If I own the lock. Yeah. Well, that's implied. It's not necessarily. Sometimes I just have a lock and I lost the keys. Do you need your shoes resold while you're here? You may as well. While we're talking, he'll do that. That's what I do. So I just. I just said, usually it's the same guy doing. Well, no here we do it separately and I like to get started first.
Cause his takes a wee bit longer. Like, yeah. So if you do want to, I'd prefer the ask me now. Otherwise you're wasting my time. Okay. Just one moment. Do you also do it? Soul shoes? No. I resold the shoes. I just wanted to check. But he does also cut keys. Yeah. All right. Not here. No. Right. Do you do it cheaper? I can't say that's part of my deal. Is it more discreet? To sell the shoes here is that I don't discuss keys in the premises. Oh, sorry.
Is there any rules against which shoes you will resold and what we saw? So we were dealing with this customer, sir. So I just, is there any rules or legalities around which shoes you will resold and won't resold? Show them the contract. Will you? I only resource shoes that you own and are legally yours. What about the feet? What are you going on about? Do you mean whose feet will go in the shoes? Yeah, if the feet aren't mine, the shoes are mine.
There won't be any feet in the shoes when I resold them. We're not that kind of business. That's next door. Sounds like you don't mind. Okay. No, that's great. But if you need that, hold on, hold on. He does those as well. You do those. I do those, but not here. He does. Yeah. Not here. In our contract, he can't discuss doing shoes with the feet in them while we're in this premises. Just like I can't discuss doing keys. Okay. I don't need feet in them. I just need my shoes resold.
Well, then I'd rather you ask me to do it now because I want to get started rather than have them. And you're actually second here because there's a customer here. Yeah, no, no. I mean, I'm taking off my shoes as you're talking. No, I know. Sorry. I didn't mean to cut in line. I just wanted to ask a question or else I'd have to go somewhere else. Don't just say, here are my shoes, if they could get resold. Sorry.
It was confusing because the shop is called Cut In Line and that's- But that's not what you do. It's not an instruction. No. Okay. See, I didn't actually read the store name. I just walked in and then- Just walked straight into the conversation. Yeah. You're very rude. You've taken your shoes off, but where's the proof they're theirs? That was unnecessary. I mean, they're feet, so they could be anyone's. That's an excellent question. And you know what?
You're the first free-solder to actually ask me that. Some of these Kylo sellers, they just, they come in, they don't care what they're doing. But me- I mean, that's why I was asking if there's rules, but the key's cutting as well. Because I don't- He sounds like a mystery surer. Could be, you know? I think he is. I mean, I can't say or I can't say. I've got like an online receipt from when I bought them. Do you accept those? Like in my emails?
Well, if you go next door, they can print it out for you. Oh, you need to print it? I need to see it. For a copy for- I can't go to you on my phone. I can see you getting ready to interrupt me. Don't even interrupt me sir. I can- I am in line right now. You always waste your turn. I thought you were about to leave and it's just, I have printed photos of me wearing my shoes. Say, a printout is real. If it's on the phone, it might not be. I also have- So do you print it out? It exists?
Printed photos of my key. Oh, so you have keys as well? No, I would like this key recreated. I don't have it anymore, but I have a photo of it. I don't know if that's possible. Hold on. That looks a lot like my key. What? That is something that I do, but not here. A lot of keys look the same though. So- No, no, but hold on. Let me just hold it next to the foot. Yeah, they're the same key. Oh, well that's great. Can I just have a cut of his key then?
That actually solves a lot of problems because I figured that would have been quite hard to cut. Well, you do have a photo of it, so I'll do that for you. Yeah, okay. But if it's his key, then it doesn't belong to him. So then how can it be his to be getting cut in the first place? Don't worry. The lock is mine. The lock's his. Have you got a photo of the lock? I don't. Yeah, there you go. Because I still have it.
We'll get a photo of it and print it out next door, but I suppose- It would have to be a printout. We don't take it on the phone. No. Because I can't bring the lock here because it's, I could bring you to the lock, but I don't think it's due calls. No, well, if we were to do that, then we wouldn't be here. So we couldn't do what we're supposed to do. Sorry, it was a stupid thought. Stupid thought. But if I'm not here, I can look at it because then I can do keys as well.
But as long as I'm here, I can't talk about the keys. No, no, that's fair enough. He's actually said too much. Makes sense. Sure. I hope that doesn't affect my rating. I'm sure you've been very diligent in checking the shoe ownership, I respect that. I'm more concerned that we seem to be sharing the same lock. Is this for a storage box? Oh no, no, mine's for my apartment. Oh, okay. So then we should be fine. I don't like it. My key is for like a post box at the bottom of apartment complex I use.
22 Bridge Street. Yeah, mine's for an apartment, but 29 Riverside View. Look, you're in the business. Yes. Is there someone selling identical locks? No, I don't do that. Not here, but I do do it elsewhere. So, okay, but he does know how many keys and locks there are, but he can't tell you. I can tell you there, but I can't tell you here. I'm just concerned for my safety. I can tell you how many shoes there are.
I mean, if you were to tell me, come in here and say, I have the same shoe as someone else. Is that possible? I could tell you. But not here. I mean, do I have the same shoes as someone else? He can't tell you. Well, I can tell you, but not here. Okay, so I misunderstood. Well, you don't have your shoes anymore. Do you have them with you? I mean, it's the ones on the counter. I need a printout. How do we know they're yours? I have a printout of my shoes.
If that's a printout of these shoes, I can tell you. It's not. It's a printout of the shoes I'm currently wearing, but I could give them to you. And is that proof? Because it's me wearing the shoes. So is that proof of me? Well, if you want them redone, you're second. That's fair enough. So I have to wait for him to find. Okay. Yeah. I would have to go home and there's a lot of broken glass outside. Right. So you go and do that. And then when you come back, we'll deal with you.
Then we'll deal with him. I can't get into my apartment without the key. Well, once you get back and deal with that, we can sort you out. Okay. I'll figure it out. Are you guys just on Yelp? No, we're here. Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Colin Lutham McVeigh. For more information on the podcast, including the weekly town newsletter, you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram.
This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keely, Laura Conlon, Jared Donnelly, Paul Moon, Niall McKenna and Aaron Marshall. The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now. Thank you for listening. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.