Excuse me, could you point me in the direction of your dairy farms please? Do you want to do it? No, no, you're going ahead, you're going ahead Al. You're better at it. I'm meant to be shadowing you so... You've been here longer. That's why it hurts that I'm meant to be shadowing you. I've been here so long. My dad started this company. I'm sorry to interrupt but... One second sir! We're trying to figure something out. We'll get to you.
So can you show him the way to the dairy farms and I'll watch you showing him? I'd prefer if you did it. Dairy, is that the one that's... I'm sorry but whenever you're ready... That's the one with the cows I think. Dairy farms? Yes, that's the one with cows. You really know your stuff. Well yeah, I'm interested in a dairy farm. I've been doing a lot of research and I would just like you to point me in the direction of your dairy farms. Just one second.
He's done his research, he's going to see right through me. God. You need to take this one. He sounds like he's going to be able to... Sir, you'd know of a dairy farm if you'd seen one like... Well, yes. I mean there's three main types at the moment. The most popular one I was looking at. I've been reading with Dairy Farm magazine. Should I be taking notes? Yeah, take some notes. Alright. Sorry one second, can you repeat all that? Sorry, is there anyone else that works here that could help me?
Because I would like... Yeah, Tommy over there. He works here. He's not just my friend, he works here. But I mean, neither... He's been shadowing for a while there. If you don't mind me saying, neither of you really seem to know what you're doing. I do mind you saying it hurts. Just simply... Also, Tommy, he knows what he's doing. Well, it doesn't seem like it. Well, it might not seem like it, but I know what I'm doing. Do you or do you not know where the dairy farm is?
The dairy farm, if you could just explain to me once more the features of the dairy farm that you want. Just so we know, we're talking about the right type of dairy farm. Do you have more than one dairy farm? I'll let you know as soon as you specify just exactly the features. Well, I mean, at the moment, really, I am just looking for your standard dairy farm.
I might be looking to accessorise, you know, which was actually my next question was, do you have accessories for dairy farms here, tractors and so on, or do I have to go somewhere else to get those? We do, but they're locked and neither of us have the key. Yeah, no. We're not trusted with the key, but I can call my dad and he'll be down there in a brief hour.
Do you know, I mean, I really, I have to say, you know, in this day and age, you know, you try to shop local, you try to support small businesses, small farm shop businesses. Oh, you should go online. I get all my stuff from Amazon. It's easy. Well, I'm beginning to think that, yes, actually, I might have been better going to the farm shop superstore across the other side of town. Oh, no, no, just I've got Prime. You can use mine if you want. You'll get it.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you're not going to go local, don't go. If you don't have your vats, just go straight to Amazon. Don't go somewhere in between. That's crazy. There's actually, there's a deal, it's like half price and barbwire this week on Amazon Prime. Really? I mean, can I just ask, how did you get past it? This just seems really... I had access and I thought I wanted a quiet day. You breezed right through it. Well, there was a gap. I mean, I just... Oh, Jesus Christ.
I used that to get in. Welcome back to Dunbracken. I swear the whole thing, the whole, the whole church bell's gone. Where's the rope? It's gone too. Every piece of the bell is missing. The inner piece, the little bit that sits in the inside that hits the bell, gone. The rope of the bell. Thankfully, we've still got the stairs up to the bell. That's it. Well, they aren't the stairs up to the bell anymore. They're just stairs up to nothing.
I don't know what we're going to do. Was it here yesterday? I was at least here three days ago. Tuesday was the last day I was here. And I was doing my final inspections. I mean, the bell's never been stolen from the church before, so I figured... And on the eve of the annual ring off, it couldn't come at a worse time. How are we going to choose our new priest now? Hello, hello. So are we ready to get this ceremony underway? Hello, Bishop Brannigan. Are you OK? How are you getting on?
I hope you have preparations in place for our new priest selection. It's the old ring off. We've got 24 hours, Bishop Brannigan, so... Yeah, the bell is, it's been cleaned at the moment. I'm glad because it was very dirty when I last saw it. It was. And thank you for blessing us with your presence. As you know, I'm required to be here in order to oversee the ceremony. Of which priest rings our bell the best to become the priest every year?
Yes, which priest, we call them a priest at that point, even though they're not yet a priest, rings the bell best to become the priest. At which point they will be the priest. Do you think that our parish could ever get just an already ordained priest, just even for a year? Maybe this year we'll just have an already ordained priest, maybe we don't need a pre-cooked priest. Traditions are what keep the church alive. Was it not for this, it would be in the Dark Ages.
This bell itself is a relic that was touched by a saint. What saint was that again? A saint, a Jermis. Saint Jermis. Saint Jermis. Saint Jermis. Saint Jermis the patron saint of... Bells and bell ringing. Oh, of course, yes. All of that was, did he go around just touching them all in? Surely I've told you the tale of Saint Jermis. Once every priest. Saint Jermis was at first a man who was not a priest, but then he told, told the bell and told a way at his work and life.
Like some sort of bell whisperer. And through that. Oh, he told a way, making bells. That's right. I thought you meant he whispered two bells. And through that became a priest. And in that act of being a priest and not a priest through bells, he became the first person in this very room. Wow. To become a priest through the ringing of the bells. So the first priest that Dunbracken had is a saint. Saint Jermis. Good Lord. So the bell is quite valuable.
It's a sacred relic to our local community and to religion and to the world and universe at large. Oh, right. So if it was being, say, sold somewhere, that would be fairly easy to find, you would think. Well, I wouldn't say that you could sell something priceless. Well, you maybe wouldn't put a price on it, but I'm pretty sure an antiquities dealer would. What would the price of something priceless be? What would you pay for it? Yeah, can't put a price on it.
Well, I shall return here tomorrow morning to start the blessing of the bell. Of course. So if you can ensure everything's in place. Of course, everything will. But as we said, getting cleaned and we're just for no, apropos, nothing. We'll just maybe ring all the pawn shops and things like that. Yeah. Ring out, ring out you bells for the bells toll for thee. Yes. Thank you, Santa Jermis.
Police in Dunbracken have been left dumbfounded after a recent breakout from the short stay car park, which is currently being used as the long stay jail cell due to a water damage issue in the original long stay jail cells. The jailbreak appears to have been orchestrated by Vivian, who townsfolk will remember as the recently incarcerated councillor from our sister city in America, the city of Colonell, Georgia.
Vivian was of course originally taken in after she introduced a chili to the town food supply, causing mass hysteria to occur at the local drive through restaurant Farmers Park It. All that was left in Vivian's allocated jail cell slash car parking spot was a note saying gone to Costco to get Beverly a jacket and some magazines. Not entirely sure what or who a Costco is, but if anyone has any information on her or Costco's whereabouts, please get in touch.
If you would like to know more about our sister city of Colonell, listen to Welcome to Colonell to learn all about Vivian and her fellow councillors so that we can find this cost, Suncoe, and she can finish serving her two day sentence. Or at the very least let us know how long the effects of this chili is expected to last. The jailbreak appears to have occurred when police were called to the park this morning after receiving reports of loud birds on the playing fins.
Thankfully, a police spokesperson has said that they arrived and settled the situation quickly and effectively. Alright guys, you all brought your uxacks? You got your first day of kids? Yeah. What about your sleeping bags? Oh my god. Did you not pack them? No, I thought you had them. I just packed a black sack. That'll keep me warm, right? A what, sorry? A black sack. That'll keep you dry. Like a bin bag? Like a bin bag, yeah. A black sack. Well, it's better than nothing.
You sure you don't have any sleeping roll? No sleeping bag. I've got a Tesco's bag. Alright, this is good. Yeah, I've got a sandwich bag. Look, look. That could be for your hand. The wild is all about improvisation. I thought we'd be in a hotel. You thought your Duke of Edinburgh camping experience was going to be in a hotel? I was also told we'd stay in a hotel. Yeah, it was on the email. Well, this is good. Because when you're in the wild, you're going to have to think on your feet. Do we?
It's not going to be a day trip. It's not going to be a hotel trip. It's just I've been told I'm really bad at thinking on my feet. Mm-hmm. Well, we're going to fix that today. Oh, it's just I find it quite triggering. But do you want to sit down and you be not on your feet? Yeah, can I do that for like the full three days? I mean, not really. There's bears in these woods. Well, how about we do it in turns. So you sit down and then I sit down and then we can... Just take turns thinking.
Yeah. Yeah. No, I can stand. I'll watch over you guys. Oh, thanks. Both of you take a seat. Are you going to be thinking, like standing up? No, I won't be thinking. I'll just be standing. Standing, OK. No, I'll stand behind you guys. No, if you're standing, you have to be thinking. Oh, no one told me that. Well, I am now. OK, well, I'd like to be sitting, please. So we'll all be sitting. That's not going to work. No, I have to stand then. If you're sitting, I have to stand. Oh, for the bears.
Yeah. As you said, boss, look out. You've got to be focused. Would you mind standing in front of me, please? The sun shining in my eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, there you go. Thank you. That's so much better. Thank you. Well, I'm on the timer, so it'll be your turn in three minutes. Three minutes, OK. Guys, while we've been discussing here for the past minute, the bears have already been planning. How do you know that? Because I trained these bears. Hey, sir, where's the toilet?
And released them in these woods. What do you do that for? So that you can train and learn how to survive. Train for what? For surviving, for your Duke of Edinburgh award. We did get the train here, actually. I'd like to get the train home now. Oh, a different kind of train. I don't like it here, sir. Where's the toilet? Everywhere's the toilet, Joe. Yeah. I've got the Tesco's bag. Do you want that? Oh, I think a sandwich bag would be a better size for me, actually.
Yeah, Jennifer. But what am I going to sleep in? I can share my black sack with you. If everywhere's a toilet, are we in a toilet? I just went to the toilet. Sorry. Oh, God. Did. Oh, God. I'm sorry. No, it's your turn to stand up. I can't stand up. Don't make me do it. Oh, no. Move away, at least. Oh, my God. Can I move? I know I'm blocking the sun for you, but is this too much? He doesn't deserve to have you as a shid after that. Can I have the Tesco bag now, please?
The smell is definitely going to attract bears. So I'm going to suggest, Joe, you stay here. Guys, get your sandwich bag. Yeah. You can take... You're not going to need this bag very soon, Joe. I'm sorry, boss. Sorry, should I eat my sandwich first? Because I have the bag, but it's got my lunch in it. So, like, should I eat that or, like, what should I do with it? Yeah, I'm quite hungry, actually. It's 1030. Yeah. Tell you what, give me the sandwich. You guys can stay here with Joe.
I'll go and get help. Did anyone bring any Sudokreme? Hi. Just look at the cell, this bell. I would have to take you out to the back of my truck, but I've got a bell here in my truck. Is it too big or something? Oh, it's massive. Biggest bell you've probably ever seen. It sounds like a scam. He's going to mug us when we go out. What? Why would I do that? Here, look, here's my wallet. You can have my wallet. No, you're not in it. All right, but you have it. Are you wanting to pawn this wallet?
No, no, I'm wanting to pawn the bell that's in my truck. If you'd just come out with me. It's fine craftsmanship on this. This wall is good leather. It is. The stitching is... As a genuine fake. Tommy Hilfiger that. Hilfiger, it says on it here, I see. Ah, genuine fake. Got it from Tiger himself. You have a lot of ask for a Hilfiger around these ways. I'm more interested in the bell. I think once you see this fucking massive bell. It's no need for language, all right? It's a pawn shop.
But once you saw that... It's a family pawn shop. There is no way I can describe this without being a little lewd. OK, well, let me ask you one thing. Can we see the inside of this wallet? If you agree, if you look at the wallet, you have to come and look in my van. The best I think we could do is for this wallet, we'll look at the bell for five seconds. That's good enough for me, because once you see this, bad boy, you will ho ho, you will start cursing.
You will be throwing out, and I don't want to say this, profanities quite consistently. It's a family pawn shop. It is a family pawn shop. Are the kids here? In the back. All right, well then, thankfully my van isn't in the back, so you can curse as much as you want. That's out in the street. Anyone can curse in the street. All right, well, bring the bell in. I can't, it's too big. I would need just to... I mean, I can... I mean, if we pawn a big bell, where are we going to put it?
We can't put that on display, taking up space. That's a fair point. I didn't consider that. I would be willing to cut you a deal, though, because this is... I believe this was touched by a German saint, so that's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. So this was heavily touched by a German saint. And do you have any certificate of authenticity that can show this? I could ask the church for one. This sounds like you don't. I don't have one, no, because I want to be frank with you right now.
I stole this from the church. It's the church's bell. Stolen goods. Stolen goods. Well, you've come to the right place, because we are a pawn shop. We are a pawn shop. You're one of only two pawn shops. And the other one threw me out in my face. They said, we don't deal in stolen goods. You need to go down the road. The family pawn shop you need to go to.
Yeah. I was really hoping to be dealing with one of the kids, because I've heard they're much more willing to go into the black market sort of antiquities. Don't you worry about our kids, mate, all right? I don't think we know much about bells, but we do know someone who's a bit of an expert in old German touch bells. Let me see if I can get my buddy down here to have a look. Grant, I'll wait. I'll wait.
Townsfolk have become increasingly concerned this afternoon after a flock of dead birds was discovered scattered across the playing fields. No one is sure where they came from or if they are the same birds that police had been called about this morning. That appears unlikely, however, as the police received reports of loud birds in the park, not dead birds in the park. Yeah, it just arrived there. Just a small potted plant. And I don't know where it came from. I don't want to move it.
I would like to park my car in my driveway, but the potted plant's there. And you phoned 999 for this? Yes. I was worried about who left it, why they left it, because, and I'll tell you this, it was on its side with a little bit of the topsoil falling off. Wow. And there were footprints, small footprints, because there wasn't a lot of soil through the mar graphs. Well, that does sound like a horticultural crime, but not something of police matter.
There was a second set of footprints and a Swiss Army knife also dropped. I think two gardeners maybe got in a fight on my driveway. My ring doorbell's not working. That was going to be my next question. Or else I would have. Those things really help me out. Yeah, because I don't want to. It saves a lot of time. Yeah, and I don't want to move it in case, you know, it's evidence. I didn't commit the crime, but if I move it, then my fingerprints are going to be on it.
Well, I do have to command you for airing on the side of caution. As you saw something suspicious. Thank you. Do you have any cause to believe that there might be a device in the potted plant? No. Or do you think it was just peripheral to the gardener's scuffle? I think it might have been the cause of the scuffle because it's a particularly nice plant. I think one of them maybe grew it with the seedling from the other one and he didn't know it was his seedling and they were annoyed.
So you know an awful lot about this. I do. I'm a gardener myself. I think it was Jake and Samuel. I think it was Jake and Samuel. They've been on an awful tiff also. Samuel's at the bottom of my yard bleeding. Would you like to speak to him? I'm not going to interview evidence at this point. Oh, I didn't put my fingerprints on you. I'm still alive and could be helped by a good doctor in time. I'll get to the ring them after 999. Once I'm done with this.
Okay. Now, interestingly, he won't implicate it was Jake, but they've been having a bit of a tiff for a while now. Sir, just to clarify, did you witness this? No, I just came home. Oh, fucking sure. I saw you at the window, you voyeur. Okay, yes, I did see it. I didn't. I thought I was hiding in my blinds. So I looked out my blinds a little and I saw. You can't afford full length blinds. Yeah. I saw his cock. Yes, I was wearing a kimono.
Sir, you cannot address me directly as you are evidence and then that could implicate us. I wish someone would dress him directly. He can't do it himself. I was in the comfort of my own home. You and you were fighting on my property. I wasn't fighting. All right, you were losing a fight then. Oh, sick bird.
In the ongoing Birds in the Park saga, a further twist has reared its twisted head, as a journalist from the Dunbracken bracket was sent amateur video footage of an intense battle between police and birds that occurred at 11am this morning. Police appear to have been wounded but thankfully none of them have died. No one knows what the birds were doing at the park or what caused them to be so loud, which prompted residents to call the police in the first place.
Officer, officer, that squirrel is going to destroy that tree. Please, please, either you shoot it or I will. Samuel, you know I'm not allowed to discharge my gun anymore. I will do it. I can't let anyone, they will see that there's shots fired. They'll know. There's an app now. Sorry, there's an app now. They have an app that can triangulate the sounds of gunshots and they can play it via satellite. I just think you're trying to stop me from shooting the squirrel.
I can show you it right now on my phone. I won't because I'm locked out of it because I got my password wrong and it won't recognize my face. Show me this. I don't understand how this would work. I just said I can't. I would show you it. Is it on the App Store? It is on the App Store. It's called Guns Now. Okay, let me... Misleading title. Yeah. Okay, let me type in Guns Now. 399. It's for the safety of the community. So wait, hold on. If you're locked out, we can just shoot.
No, because they don't know by just that. They'll check my gun. I have to check my gun in every time I go home. I can use mine. Why wouldn't you just shoot it? Why would you call me here? I'm trying to follow the law here. I've been told all for just shooting animals unprompted. Now what happens if you shoot this delicate derelict tree? I guess it's not derelict. If there's a squirrel living in it. I'm not going to hit the tree. I will just hit the squirrel. It's on the branch.
That's what you said about the spider. Yes, and I missed the spider. I hit the oil tank. It went sideways very quickly. Inadvertently, I guess the spider did die. We think. No, the spider survived. Really? Yeah. No corpses ever. No, no, I just watched it go away while I was trying to reload my gun and then all the oil spilling into fire distracted me. That's what happens. Look, this is a really important tree and I can't have anyone shooting shots near it.
I can't risk that sort of thing to my career. No, but you'll let a squirrel on it. The squirrel's not doing anything wrong. It's going to destroy this tree. It could be infected. It could gnaw at the tree. By law, that squirrel is now squatting in this tree and we cannot evict it. Squatter's law doesn't kick in immediately. Trust me, I know. Well, how long has the squirrel been there? We don't know how long it's been there. No, I've been timing it. Seven minutes and 45 seconds.
Okay, so you've got... By the way, good response time. You're lucky I was on my break. Oh, no, I wouldn't have called the police if I thought they sent someone else out. You're more tolerant than other officers. So you knew they were going to send me out? Yeah. Why wouldn't you just call me on my phone? Because I wanted to be official. Do you want to follow the law? I'll give you that. All right, here's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to shoot the squirrel. Oh, come on.
But I'm going to turn my back. I'm not going to shoot you. I didn't think you were going to shoot me. Where were you going with that? Samuel, I thought... Sorry, I shouldn't interrupt. My brother keeps telling me I should... Yeah, I was going to turn my back and put on my noise-canceling headphones, and if shots were sounded, then yes, the app would pick it up and I would be dispatched here. But by that time, I'm sure you and the dead squirrel carcass will be long gone.
All right, let's give it a go. Put them on. Okay. I've been cheating on your wife. Okay, I'm going to turn my back now. Okay, gracious me with the check you didn't hear that. And... Yeah, I hit the tree dead on. What? I hit the tree dead on. Okay, so we're going to have to take you in because this is a national tree. It is of historical significance. This was the first tree planted in the town, so I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to place you under arrest. That's fair.
This is Dispatch. Shots fired. Shots fired. We've pinpointed it at the tree. Dispatch, I'm already at the tree. I can deal with that. This is Dispatch. If you're at the tree, then who fired the shot? Don't you do this to me. It was a man who... Run. It was a man who I am attempting to shoot, and that is why there are shots being fired from my gun. I'm going to try and take out the squirrel. Well, sounds like you have it covered. Dispatch out. Ah! I missed the squirrel.
Police have once again been called out on a bird-related escapade today, as they received several calls of loud birds once again, only this time at the seafront. Upon arrival at the seafront marina outside Dunbracken's only fish and chip shop, Chips? There appeared to be a gaggle of many different birds all flocking towards what appeared to be one man in a large chicken costume. After refusing to stand down, police fired upon the large chicken man with no prejudice.
Later, Police Officer Stephen Buckets told the Evening News that he couldn't tell if the person was repeatedly saying caw or bomb, and, not one to put the lives of all of Dunbracken at risk, Officer Buckets shot the large chicken man. No charges have been levelled at Officer Buckets, nor are any expected. Here he is. Klaus is here. What is the reasons I have been called today? Alright, so this bell is going to blow your fucking mind, and I'm sorry for... What's the language, please?
We're outside the shop. The kids are in the back, like you said. We're all good here. What's the language? I am not used to this kind of behaviour. I do apologise on his behalf. Well, is it Klaus? Klaus? Yeah. Okay, right. Well, nice to meet you, first off. Your hands are a little wet, but I'm not going to judge you for that. They must be ready to feel the merchandise. They cannot be dry. How would I inspect it? That's fair. That's a good point.
This man has never dealt in porn before. He is a dry hand. Lubrication is required to sense the value of any item. Really? Okay, well, that's good for me to know. I will be getting into every nook and cranny. This is a big bell, so there's a lot of nooks, a lot of crannies. And you would be doing this with dry hands? Look, I didn't touch it. I was using gloves whenever I took it. But I'll open this door. Your mind's going to be fucking blown. Oh, it's the language. Terrible, isn't it?
Alright, so, you ready? Yeah. Oh my god. This is a big bell. Is that your expert opinion? Yes, we have seen bells like this in Germany. Often they are... This was touched by a German, which is why we got you involved. I got him involved. Let's be clear. I know my stuff, and when I don't know my stuff, I get so many nos. That's good business. And I stain my stuff. I shall touch this bell in every nook and cranny. Get a no for it. Interesting. Oh, yes.
Now, do we need to get this out of town in the next 18 hours? Just... This bell was definitely produced by a saint. It has very similar bells since Germany. Would you... How much would you charge for such a... I don't want to say priceless thing. I would say in its original state, certificate of authenticity. Priceless. A priceless bell. What about if we can't authenticate it? What is our... But for my good friend at the family pawn shop, I'd say you should offer... 30 US dollars. 30 dollars?
US dollars. 30 US dollars. Thank you very much, Klaus. I'll see you later on. Look, I spent three days taking this out of the church. Yeah. Thankfully no one showed up or else... And I spent three days not working, so I lost at least easily 200 quid. I make a clean 66 pound... My issue is your finances aren't really my problem. But what is your problem is that you said you have 18 hours to shift this and you've been offered 30 dollars. I'm going to offer you 20.
Look, come on, man. I'm doing you a favour. This is a huge bell. Look, I can't store... It's been touched by a German. Come on, man. It's now been touched by two Germans. Exactly. So is that 40 quid? Is that what we're saying? Is Klaus a saint? I'm not going to overvalue something that Klaus says. He clearly couldn't have gone into every nook and cranny of this. That was a very quick... So you're disputing... I'm disputing it. Get another German in here. I don't believe that it's 30 quid.
OK, well, let me see if I can get another German. But do it quick. Can you do it quick? You're really pushy here, you know. There's a queue of people out the door at this point. Is the 30 dollars still on the table? No, it's 20. Oh, for fuck off. Right, that's S10 now for your language. All right, we've got a deal. Yeah, fine. OK. Is it 10 US dollars? Nigerian dollars. Come on, man. I've had to bump you down again. That's such bullshit. Come on. I wish I was dealing with your kids. Fine, fine.
Back to Dunbracken is created, produced and edited by Connoth McVeigh. For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram. This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keighley, Laura Conlon, Eddie Goodwin, Kate Thompson, Rachel Coulter, David McCauley, Joe Donaldson, Niall McKenna and Aaron Marshall. The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now. Thank you for listening.
We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.