All right, guys, thanks for joining me tonight. I know there's a war on, so I really appreciate you showing up. If we're all ready then, I think we can get started. And I've made some itinerary up. I've actually made... Guys, please. You're just laughable. Oh, Derek, don't be like that. You're just a joke, man. Wear your trousers. I'm wearing them. They're just really small today. Why are they peach coloured? What are the exact colour tone of your skin? Oh, I didn't think
I would get... Do you get off to these meetings? I don't get off to these meetings. Derek, come on. I can see your erection. I call to elect a new leader for this neighbourhood watch. That's fine. If you can get the vote, you can get a new leader. Oh, I don't want to be the leader. I'm quite happy to be a lieutenant. I elect Simon. Nice. See? Not everyone can... Simon, what the fuck? We talked about this for weeks. I thought this was a coup. I thought this was a power grab.
I've got the Semtex right here in case it goes south. We're going to go out in 15 minutes and you've got a coup organised. Well, not anymore. Sorry, everyone. Who watches over and protects a neighbourhood when those sworn to do so don't? The same people who watch over the neighbourhood when the police are already there to protect
it. Here in Dunbracken, the neighbourhood watch of the Glebeside Estate, Crooner Park and Fridge Avenue Triangle, colloquially referred to as the bad part of town, have realised that just because there's a war going on, doesn't mean that delinquents are going to stop delinquiting. Well, if the coup's gone then, we'll just get that started on the agenda. What, I was going to give you your parents for this patrol? I don't want to be with Derek. That's fine, you're not
with Derek this week, you're with Simon. Oh. No, I don't want to hear any arguments from you for that. Well, it's better Simon than Derek, to be fair. Samantha, I'm right here. Derek, I know you're right there. I'm looking at you. Why would you say such hurtful things? Because you really are a hurtful person. When have I ever been hurtful? Just there now. If you're going to excuse yourself, it was just there now. Derek. You just kind of told me we were doing
a coup. You didn't ask me. I thought for a second. Did you not get my coded letters? I did. I did not understand them. Oh, the code. Derek, not everything's about you. It doesn't have to go your way. I was doing this for the benefit of the neighbourhood watch. Look at his trousers, people. This isn't a... Yeah, I was just going to comment on that. This isn't an erection, by the way. It's the end of my baton. I'm ready this week. I'm not allowed myself to be attacked
by anyone this week. So we're allowed weapons. That's why I got the Semtex. It's not strictly a weapon, unless you wrong me. Exactly, yeah. Legally, they're not weapons unless we're wronged. It's not a weapon until I hit the button. In which case, it's a weapon for a very brief period of time. And then it's disabled and defused. No one told me we were bringing weapons. I don't
have anything. Simon, what do you have? Well, you know, I have a nunchucks, but I could split it, and then you could have half the nunchucks. So we have sticks with a bit of chain on. Yeah. Okay. All I have is a stick, so yeah, that works for everyone. Let's hear from the young blood. I thought a weapon was mandatory, so I could only get my hands on a Nerf gun, but also to Derek's point earlier about the coup, it would have been very nice if you'd included the rest
of us in that. Well, by nature of being a coup, it had to be very secretive, very clandestine. I realise now that my codes were too... Difficult to crack, Simon, apparently. I mean, I would also say, even if I cracked it, a coup shouldn't really be more than 50%. Exactly my point. Yes, quite. All right, I'll put it at my first time. Sorry. That's all right. Will there be another coup? Can we put it on next week's agenda? We can put a coup in next week's agenda. I think
that's only fair. Okay. Oh, also in the minutes. Can we say if we're bringing weapons? Because I do feel blindsided by this. I don't know how everyone else thought we were bringing weapons, but I didn't get the memo. I'll apologise, Samantha. We'll put that in the minutes from now on. Weapons included. I didn't know we were bringing weapons. I'm just back from karate practice. Can I just say, I really appreciate the magnanimous way you've handled this meeting, and I'll be withdrawing
my coup. So there's going to be no coup then next week, Derek? Oh wait, is this you being subterfugee again? No, I'm legitimately saying there'll be no coup, but I would say if I were to do a coup, saying there wouldn't be a coup the week before would be a pretty good way to stage a coup. Yeah. I'm willing to sign a document that I'm not doing a coup. No, I'll just put an asterisk beside it for next week's minutes and it might not be included. If we have time,
there might be a coup. How about that? If you need me to look into the coup, I can do that. I think I'm going to get a lighter load on homework this week, so I will have time after school. That reminds me. There are too many pigeons on the Glebeside estate. Well, that's great. Do you want to sort that out tonight? Yeah. You want to go to the Glebeside? Because I had a sign. Of course, Derek, you're with Charlie. Charlie, you've got the Nerf gun with you. Charlie
and Derek. Charlie and Derek. Do you have a problem with that, Derek? No, I think it's great. I think I'm too short. No, I don't think you're too short. Because I think you're too short. Because you're a grown man. And I still have to have a growth spurt. The doctor says that I will hit a growth spurt at the age of 42. Derek. Samantha. Derek, I think we both know the doctor's trying to ease your very small ego. The doctor is my very small ego. Is that what you said? No. Trying to ease
your very small ego. Oh, I thought you were saying because I refer to my ego as the sergeant. You're a lieutenant. And your ego is a sergeant? No, I'm a lieutenant. Well, I was a lieutenant in the coup, but inwardly I referred to myself... So you weren't even the leader in your own coup? Well, he elected Simon. I elected Simon because I believed in his capacity and I liked his trousers. But you didn't tell him. I thought I did through codes. I also don't think I have natural leader
qualities. Well, that is your first mistake because if you... Oh, self -fulfilling. I'm totally fine with riding... What's the term? Shotgun. Shotgun. No, motorbike. The side of a... Sidecar. Sidecar with the child. He's not a child. I'm a teenager. Yeah, and legally... In a few years. This is why we brought Charlie in. Now, Charlie is my next -door neighbour's kid. And now we have someone who can effectively and legally attack children. I can. And I will. And I will. If needed, yeah.
Because remember, the last few weeks, we've been terrorised by them. You're saying if needed. Yeah, if needed. If needed. But it'll happen. It'll probably happen, yeah. Or be. And now we can't get in trouble for it. That's the thing. I think if we just shaved Derek, we wouldn't have got in trouble in the first place. I'm not even going to engage with that. That's extremely upsetting. You know that the same powerful hormones that will give me my growth spore at 32 also
give me thick, thick hair like a dog. Yeah, a dog. That's what you like, Derek. A dog. I'm just so emotional. This is a real sore point for me that I look like a dog and I have to ride with the child. And also my coo didn't work. It's not going very well for me. The sergeant will be very angry. We should just call you Cujo. That is an extremely good joke, and I hate you for it. I wish I hadn't lent you my Stephen King omnibus. Well, you did, Derek, and I've enjoyed
it very much. Thank you very much. Give it back. I've nothing to read at night. The library won't give me things because they think I'm a dog. Try John Irvine. Huh? Try John Irvine. I find it's very easy to get to sleep to. Did you not hear me? I can't come into the library because they think I'm a dog. I could lend you some John Irvine, but you're not getting your Stephen King back. It's a very long novel. It is an extremely
large omnibus. Why they thought that they could put his entire works in an omnibus, it's as tall as a working horse. Simon, do you have anything to add? No. Jack, I can see why you split those two up, frankly. Time and time again, it's just proven that they're an ineffectual pairing. Because each one of them wants to ride in the sidecar most of the time, and that just doesn't work.
Someone's got to take the lead. That's why, Simon, you're going to be taking the lead with your nun, and then, Samantha, you'll have the chuck. I think that's fair. Of course, if you find any kids, run for Charlie. Don't engage. Run and find Charlie. I'm most accessible by walkie, because I'm not aligned on WhatsApp yet. And if you hear an explosion, don't come looking for me. Not all problems are out in the streets,
though. Sometimes they're right there beside us, in our houses, eating our food, making us take student loans out for them, and being unappreciative of most of the things that we do for them. Mom, is anyone using the family gun? No, still in the locker, sweetie. That's great, you don't need it today. No, I did my hunting last night. Oh, my God. Mom, I really wanted to use a family gun tonight. Tonight? Yeah. I'll be back by seven. But I'm meant to be leaving at 6 .30. No, like,
I really need to use it. What do you need it for? Well, there's plenty. What do you need it for? Because, honestly, there's no reason why you had it last week. And, honestly, like, I should be the one using it. I mean, that's what I'm asking. Look, I'm not demanding the gun. We live in a civilized household here. Neither of you will have the gun. Father has precedence over the gun. Oh, shut it, Dad. That is actually such freaking bullshit. Like, honestly. Are you
hearing this? I didn't know you needed it today, honey. Well, yes, I decided I was going to go out and finish off my snooker buddies. Mom, why are you actually letting him speak to you like that? That's ridiculous. I mean, that felt fine to me. Here's the head of the household. Well, we're both heads of the household, but we did agree that when it comes to the gun... Well, do you know what? I think I'm going to take ownership of the gun. Then you become the head of the household,
right? Yeah. Everyone has a gun. Yes, that's what we've always done. Just so you know, I've been, like, stockpiling, so... Guns? Yeah, guns, ammunition. Yes, but it's not the gun, darling. If you have a gun, why do you need a family gun? That is a pellet gun. I literally have like semi -automatics. So I'm just saying like maybe we should stop listening to dad and start listening to me because I'm literally like armed like a militia. Okay, no, I do think we should just
calm down a little. I'm calm. Maybe if you both explain what you need the gun for today, then we can work out a solution together. Okay. Okay, you. first because I feel like you will have a very clear and concise argument and then I'm going to destroy that argument. Yes. I'm hoping to catch traitors off guard at laser tag. Okay. And you? Right. I'm hoping to find people who fundamentally disagree with the morals of our society and then gun them down. That sounds like
a project you could work on together. You're both effectively doing the same thing. I mean... If I give you a lift to where you need to go, Could I get here by seven? Could we stop at Tesco and then I can get, like, some dinner and then that would work for me. Can't you eat beforehand? I hunted last night, honey. Mum, are you... Mum hunted last night. Are you hearing this? Are you hearing this? He's saying, have I eaten? And he knows I can't eat at work. I work at literally,
like, a clothes shop. Like, I can't eat at work. Okay, sorry. I didn't realise you're at work today. I am at work. I am at work. Okay. No, if I pick you up from work and we stop by Tesco's, can you do seven? Yeah, and then, like, we can, like... single -handedly, well, double -handedly, like, create a militia. Oh, I was just going to drop you off. I'm going to go to a movie tonight. Mom, are you hearing this? Like, he's literally saying that he's going to go for a movie instead
of doing that. I do actually, I do find it quite nice to hear you, you know, working together. Because, like, I really appreciate his, like, military presence, and I think, like, oh, this is going to sound so cringe, but, like... All right, children, I'm back. Dad, do you want... I know, I'm back, I'm back. Dad, you really don't appreciate how your children... I've dispatched my snooker buddies. And the gun's back for anyone who wants to use it. I never liked them. Good
job. Honestly, I think your friends are problematic, Dad, so I'm really happy for you. And you know what, Samantha? I know right now I say I'm going to go to a movie, but I think if you ask me again, once you're holding the gun, I respond to that better. Well, this is going to sound really cringe, but I know you're my older brother, I think, but like... Honestly, I really appreciate your presence in, like, all military regimes that
I'm trying to, like, pursue. And, like, I feel like it's kind of cringe to say it, but I really want you there by my side. Okay, well, I didn't know that. I didn't know it was that important to you. Yeah, no, I can be there. Thank you so much. We are strong and we stick together as a family. Thank you so much. Hello, mother. Hello, father. Is anyone using the family gun? Who the fuck is... This? Mum? It is me, Corey. Corey, it's a bit of a shock to see you. Mum, who is
this? It is me, little brother. You might have been a bit too young since last time he was here. Who is this? Corey. I have no recollection of who this is. You were like three when he was last here? I feel like I remember if I had another sibling when I was three. I don't think I was three. I have moustache now. Oh. And I like gun? Please. We've just been over. He has to be part of our family. He loves guns. I love gun. Mom, who is this? The thing is, this is, you know,
my other child. He just shows up every 6 .5 years. Every 6 .5 years when money run out. I am not secret agent. It's astonishingly regular. WTF. What the actual heck? Who wants to watch? You want to watch? What do you say, Charlie? You want to watch? Well, I want to know if these are licensed and official. 100 % official, licensed, Rolex, Breitling, Tag Heuer, all of them straight off the shelf. I just happen to have them on my trench coat because my sister took my stall.
I'm an honest hustler. I'm an honest person. I'm just trying to sell you a good quality watch. This is your first lesson, Charlie. As Neighborhood Watch, sometimes it's important to support local businesses, even if this man is extremely suspect. Hey, if you guys are from Neighborhood Watch, why not get yourself... A neighbourhood watch. Am I right? Very good. Very nice and very charming, but Derek, this isn't my first rodeo. I'm familiar with our friend here from other Facebook groups
for selling counterfeit watches. That's my side puzzle. On my side I sell counterfeit watches. My day job is selling genuine, real, artefact watches. And granted, it is half two in the day. Half two? Like I say, I would be selling these on a stall, but for the fact that my sister stole my stall. But what is passing off one or two counterfeit watches as the legitimate thing during the day? Illegitimately passing off fake watches. How dare you, sir? I'm only doing my due diligence
as neighborhood watch. All right, governor. Can I have some counterfeit watches, if you know what I mean? What are you going to do, friend? You're not meant to be out at this time of day. Why have you got a ball and chain on your ankle? Look, it's took me ages to get here. I need some counterfeit watches. Good friend, who I've never met before in my life, I would like to direct you to maybe a business that operates from the hours of 8pm to 4 .55am. I don't see the sun.
Who knows what time it could be with the equinox coming up. I see you, sir, are sporting the old Atlas watch that relies very much on the sun itself. He is a follower of the pagan religion. We don't need to bring religion into this. I just want to know if you're going to sell this guy a counterfeit watch? Good day! Hello! I'm looking to buy a watch for my wife. I almost couldn't see you. It's very dark. The afternoon's
really, really dark. However, since I have found you at last, I would like a very nice watch for my wife. I reckon as you, you do the weather, don't you? Oh, I do do the weather. Yes, I love to do the weather. I can say you authentic. Tag heller. Brightling. Cassios? I don't mean to bring class into this scenario, but I was here first. My good friend, whomst I have never seen before. I don't want to bring class into it either, but I could almost definitely say I have more
money. Than him. They say that, but they have more liquidated assets. I have free illegal car washes. One has not been accused of being liquidated for years. I went to rehab. I will fucking liquidate you, sunshine, if you don't let me buy a counterfeit watch. I would like to say this to the large crowd that has gathered. I have one really premium Rolex here. I want to know if it's good for my wife. Will it fit her dainty wrist? Where's your fucking wife? Leave my fucking wife out of it.
Excuse me, can we settle down for one minute? I have taken a record of all the things that have been spoken about today. I will bring them back to the Neighborhood Watch to see if we can continue with Neighborhood Watches as the term goes. Please refrain from any purchases of legitimate or illegitimate timepieces for the foreseeable. I don't mean to bring class into this, but I'm leaving grade A plastic explosive right here with a time -sensitive trigger. And how are you
using that time -sensitive trigger, sir? Would you like to see a Breitling, a Tag Hauer? This is neighborhood watch business. A swatch, perhaps? We're quite capable of arming our own explosives. Now, once the sun comes out, this bad boy's going to blow. So you better watch out is what I'm saying. Can our interest use in the Casio glow back backlight watch? You can also do your taxes on it. Charlie, I think we've done all we can. I don't know. I'm quite interested in the calculator.
I'm still waiting on a fucking counterfeit. Wink, wink. Fucking what? I've never met you before in my life, good sir, who I've met for the first time. No, so take this fucking money. So I'll see you after 12pm. Oh, I'm going down the pub, innit? So you're telling me that you have a freaking other freaking child? I am sorry. Mom, I'm trying not to freaking swear right now. Like, honestly, I'm in freaking shock. I know what happened last time he was here. You were skiing. I was skiing?
Yes, yeah. Oh, yes. What the actual heck? How much fun. We could go to some sort of resort together sometime. Big sister. See, isn't this fun? A second brother. Mum, for frick's sake, I thought I was the freaking youngest child and you're freaking telling me that I have a freaking younger brother who wants to go skiing with me? You know how, like, literal, like, awful I am at freaking skiing? Are you being for freaking real? Okay, Corey didn't know that. Never know,
darling. For heck's sake, mum. He might be worse than you and then you'll look fantastic. Are you bad at skiing? I have never skied in my life. I just thought Bond might be nice. Is gun being used? Mom, he's literally trying to steal my freaking gun. And I'm not even being freaking serious right now. I need that freaking gun. I'm trying to bring order to this freaking society. Like, I'm trying not to swear. I'm trying to go by your rules. I'm trying by your rules, as
I usually try and do. But you're telling me you have another freaking child? Honestly, Mom, what the heck? The thing is, Corey, we're pleased to see you, as always. Hello, Mother. Hello, Father. On the back of a long discussion we've just had about the gun. I did not mean to cause concern. I just take gun and we can discuss other time. Well, I'm afraid we've actually agreed on the gun schedule for today. This is fair and reasonable. Right. Okay. My enemies can wait.
Would you like to put in a proposal for your use of the gun maybe tomorrow? Corey, who are your enemies? I feel like since we're, I don't know, like family team. Mum, this is like too fresh for you to be making freaking jokes about this. Right, since we're siblings, who are your enemies? I have enemies in government. Okay, in all fairness, that sounds promising. Ah, look at these lovely chrysanthemums. They're so colourful. And nice. And I just... It's quite clear down
the line, right? I'm so glad I planted them. We can see her googling the flower. She quickly doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm not sure what she thinks a chrysanthemum is. I love the fact they're so colourful. She's not getting reception. Oh, there's so many petals on this. I think the sun's suspicious going on. It's really sad to watch. I love the fact they come in multiple colours. Not sure if it's sad. It's... It's quite suspicious, as I said, Simon. I think so. Is
she trying to impress someone? I don't see anyone else about. Is it you? No one's ever tried to impress me. Well, Simon, you've got this magnetic sexuality to you. Thank you. You're welcome. I just love the fact that they are anti -inflammatory and antibacterial and perhaps even heck. Anti -cancer. Maybe she's a witch. Could be a witch. They have so many amino acids. What do we do to witches? Do we burn them? I think we... No. Good, good. I don't want to burn them. I'm really
sorry, guys. I'm just overhearing you. I'm trying to have a moment. My beloved chrysanthemums. That was just it. We're not too sure if they are chrysanthemums or you're looking at them. I think I know what chrysanthemums look like. I think I know what colours they come in and I think I know their properties. It just looked like you were trying to Google it and you had difficulty spelling it. Yeah, we can see the light reflected up on your face. I was texting
my brother about the chrysanthemums. I was just letting him know about their anti -cancer capabilities, actually, and antibacterial. Does your brother have cancer? No, I don't have cancer, but I just got a text saying how beautiful these chrysanthemums are and I'm so glad you... See, Darren, see, I was texting Darren, my brother, and I was just telling him about the anti -cancer capabilities of my chrysanthemums. It's truly incredible.
The results are better than medicine. If Darren is in the garden next door, why don't you just shout at him? We do not shout in our households. My parents raised me on that. Did your parents shout in your household? Is that why you use such harsh words? Hey, hey, hey! The Neighbourhood Watch. We're the ones to ask the questions, aren't we, Simon? We are indeed. Okay, you're trying to be an authority figure here, but... We are
an authority figure. If we weren't an authority figure, we wouldn't be sharing a pair of nunchucks. Yeah. Bask in the glory of our authority. Excuse me, ma 'am, ma 'am, ma 'am. I believe our session's nearly up and my shoulders are still inflamed. Have you picked those plants you were talking about? Lower your voice. I'm sorry. Because we don't shout in this place. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Am I to understand that you're running some sort of clinic here? Do you have a permit for that?
Well, it's private property, isn't it? So I'm allowed to cure people if I so wish. Nice if you try it. I'm flamed up over here. Just give it two to three... and I think you're going to have a shoulder that doesn't look so deformed. Simon, I think she's a quack. She's a quack and she can't recognise dandelions from chrysanthemums. These are not dandelions. They're quite clear dandelions. I was not googling what they look like. They look like the picture on your phone.
And I know what chrysanthemums look like. I'm something of a botanist. You're not a very good botanist. No. Are you Neighbourhood Watch or are you just Neighbourhood Bullies? Hey, this is a part -time gig for us. Neighbourhood Bullies. Neighbourhood Bullies. Neighbourhood Bullies. Neighbourhood Bullies. It feels like something for, like, small claims court. I don't think this is within our authority. I'm sorry, you think I have a case? I think you do have a case.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I do. Hey, look, the clock's ticking. Your arm looks like an elephant's trunk, sir. I'm also, I am concerned that you promised antiviral, antibacterial, anti -cancer. And I'm not sure... Allegedly. Sometimes with science, you have to do a bit of guesswork. Yeah, but two to three years of guesswork seems pretty crazy. I'm sorry your shoulder looks so deformed and so weird. Yeah, it is looking weird. I'm trying my best. It's not that weird. It is. It
is. At least you've got some flowers on you now. You look so much prettier instead of your deformed arm. Isn't that nice? Isn't that something the Neighbourhood Watch can get behind? Not really, no. Not even a little bit. No, you're a quack. What if she did the other arm up the same way? No. I don't think it would help. At least they'd match. Do you think it will cause the other one to become deformed? I don't know. I did not deform his arm. I did not deform his arm. I think the
Neighbourhood Watch should really... And I don't want to use bad words here, but, like, back the heck off. Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I am apoplectic. Sorry, what was your name again? Margaret. Margaret, we're going to have to put in a complaint about you. Yeah, I'm sorry where I come from. We respect people of the law. Very sad news. The chrysanthemums are withering because of our harsh, loud words. Oh, my God. I think that's the least of your worries, Margaret. You're
screaming. Margaret, you're going to have to come with us. Margaret, you're going to have to come with us. Stop resisting arrest. Stop, the roses are going to wilt. The roses are going to wilt. We're going to wrap your hands up in the nunchucks. The roses are going to wilt. Hiya, it's me, Jason. Is anyone using the family gun? Jason. Are you being for real? You told Jason about a freaking gun. Jason is no family. My brother, my Russian brother. I thought we were
meeting at laser tag today. No, I'm here for the family gun. We've already talked about the family gun. Who do you want to kill? Because we're literally about to kill the education minister, the finance minister, the treasurer. Can you honestly be fucking real right now? I tell you who I'm killing right now. It's everyone in this room. I would put it to slaying. Honestly, Jason, you are a freaking hoot. You're so fucking funny right now. Sorry for swearing, but can we hang
out after? Can I give you my Instagram? Oh, my God, he's such a hoot. Big bro there, was this your target? How do you know that you weren't there for that discussion? I listen always. You were going to freaking kill Jason. I didn't say I was... Right, can you literally kill... I don't alert your enemies beforehand. Right, but honestly, Jason is such, like, good fun. Like, he honestly takes me to, like, the best parties and everything. Thank you. Exactly. No, we are in disagreement.
Why are you killing him? Okay. You are not using mom and dad's gun to literally kill Jason. It's a family gun. That is so fucking annoying. It's been in our family for five generations. Literally don't even do it. It's not mom and dad's gun. It's everyone's gun. If Jason touches family gun, we have a right to murder. Don't literally tell him that. I'm not being funny. Mom, he's literally telling me to freaking kill Jason. I am very much part of his family. And Jason
is literally my freaking friend. Fuck you guys. Mom, can you actually deal with this? Because I literally can't because I'm going to freak out if you don't. freaking deal with it right now. We were working together so well five minutes ago. It was such nice teamwork. I am sorry. I have caused consternation in family once again. I actually think it was Jason's fault. Corey, don't change. Jason, please change. No. Jason, don't change. Change, Jason. Change from living
to dead. Thank you, Corey. I feel like if we unite and we can take the gun, do you want to kill the treasurer? Jason, I wish you were away every 6 .5 years. Honestly, Stop being mean to Jason. He's honestly so lovely to me. You are such a diva. I love you so much. Thank you, Sleigh Queen. Sweetie, I'm afraid I have to agree with the boys on this one. Jason's really irritating. Oh my, are you being freaking for real right now? He's literally my best freaking friend.
I honestly don't even freaking care. Okay, he's two years older than me, but honestly, in school, he's such a freaking ally. The last time? Corey, shut the frick up. You don't even freaking come from here. You literally come from Russia. No offense, no xenophobia. This is learned. No xenophobia. I don't need any xenophobia. He's literally Russian. This is a learned accent. Right, you're my freaking secret brother, so can you please, like, stop being so freaking problematic right now? Last
time you weren't here, you were skiing. Jason was here natter natter all day long. Just wouldn't shut up. And I said, if only there was war and we could have a reason for murder. Corey, I'm
not being even, like, serious right now. I know you're my, I suppose, like, my... younger secret russian brother so much leather sister who i have seen twice in your leaf we text about you all the time cory right if you want to use the gun we can both use the freaking gun okay but do not speak badly about jason he is one of my best friends and like i'm going into right you don't know this because you're my russian secret brother who i've just freaking met i'm going
to six from next year and i don't know if you know what that means It means that I have to really practice being freaking cool. And I'm not being serious right now, but I really need this. I really need this. So, Corey, could you please, like, calm down? We can assassinate the treasurer of the government together, but you do not speak badly about Jason. Am I really clear right now? This is honestly fair family discussion. I have missed these, no? I know. I'm really proud
of our debating skills. Can I suggest one final thing? We all vote on whether or not I get to shoot Jason. You may be wondering, what was the head of the neighborhood watch doing this evening as his patrols uncovered dodgy watches and flowers? He had another dodgy character he had to keep an eye on. His own father. Hey, hey Clem. Clem. Clem, come here. Clem. Clem, I've just been sitting outside my dad's house here for the past two hours and there's lights on there. Have you seen
him? Have you seen him being up to anything? Have you seen your dad? Yeah, my father, my sire. Yeah, I've seen your dad. Do you know he's been doing anything weird? What do you call weird? He watched Neighbours and that wasn't that strange. He watched Neighbours? He watched Neighbours and then I saw him get a cup of tea and that wasn't that weird. Alright, well after 2 .30pm, well, oh okay, after Neighbours and then after
Doctors, what did he do after that? Because I know he's doing something in that garage of his and I... Oh, the noises. Yeah. The noises. No, don't worry about that. He won't let me in, and I'm sorry. No, I don't think, Jack, it's your place to be, to be anywhere near that garage. No, I need to know. He's a criminal. He's not a criminal. He's had a criminal past. He's not a criminal. He's had a criminal past. And he treated my mama wrong, and I'm not convinced
he's going to continue. Son. Son. Oh. You there. Don't be talking to him. You watching. You watching me. Um, um... Papa. You best not be watching. No, I know you're doing something in there, in that garage. You what? You know? You think you know what I'm up to? No, I know you're doing something, but I don't know the... Yeah, you don't think nothing, do you? I don't know the specifics, Dad. Yeah, you don't know fucking nothing. Don't speak to me like that. You don't
know nothing. John, John, leave the boy alone. No. Clem, Clem, stay out of this. You're only an uncle. This is a family affair. No. No, Clem. No. We're back to this. When we were children. You and me, Clem. I'm looking after your son. I'm trying to steer him away. I'm trying to steer him away. I'll look after you. You wish you would look after me in a non -sexual way. I'll look after you, Clem. Hey, I have the full authority of the neighbourhood watch behind my back. One
of my friends has Semtex'd her. So if you don't open up that garage and let me... Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Well, I'll take this baton out of my tight peach trousers. You know what? You take your baton out of that tight peach. I want to see what you do with it. No! John, you don't want us to eat, John! Look, everyone, that man's taking his cock out. No, I'm... Form a cloud. No, I'm not, I swear. The peach -coloured trousers is very different to my skin, and the
big, large thing is a baton. Why is it a peach baton? Well, it was two for one deal. But look, I'm not that big. I just, this isn't, it's too big to be... Look, I don't need to explain this family business. He's told everyone he has a small peach cock, everyone. He's my son, then! Darling, you're humiliating him. Leave him alone. Come on. He's humiliating himself. No, I'm not. He's trying. You're trying, son. You're trying. Why are we bringing the family business out into
the street? Graham, stay out of this. Look, I just want to put everyone here. I'm not trying to put my nose in. The boy asked the boy. I asked what the boy was doing. Yes, son. What's he doing in that garage? I know he's doing something fishy in there, mommy. He won't let me see either. Every time I go in, I'm putting a wee blindfold on me. Oh. No, see, I knew you weren't treating her right. You let me in that house. She's in there for an hour a day and you think I'm treating
her wrong? Dad, no. Dad, don't. You tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong and I'll take this neighborhood watch and we'll see what you're doing. Son, don't worry. It's the best hour of my day. Oh, no, Ma. I don't want to hear that either. Mob, I've made a horrible decision. Let us disassemble and discuss this later. No, Mom, come back. Get all of you back here. Dinner will be at seven, son. Am I allowed in the house? You're allowed in the house. You're my son. You're my kin, aren't
you? Thank you, Dad. You have to sit in the dining room, though. But I'll ask you, are you going to defy me? Are you going to ask me my business? No, not in your house. No, you're not, are you? Not in your house. You're not going to ask me my business. So what's with all this neighborhood watch business? Your house, your rules, but... My house, my street, my world! No. No, duh. No, that's really wrong. That's right. That's right. Now you learn your bliss. And your house... Do
you know your bliss? No, in your house I do, but in this street, I am the head. This street's my place too, is it not? Are you saying the street's not my place? Can I not live on the street? Can I not be on the street? Is that what you're saying to me, son? Are you saying I can't go onto the street? No, you're allowed onto the street. You're not allowed to paint it or anything, but you can be on it. Uh, Radio Jack from, uh, Derek?
How's it going, Derek? How's it going? Uh, might be good to have mentioned, I put little bricks of Semtex in your dad's shoes. In my dad's shoes. Do it, son. Do it. Free us from this. Do it. If you want to... What's that look in your eye, son? I've not seen this look before. Why don't you just explode all over the... If you want to be on the street so much, you can be all over the fucking street. You can be all over. I've been killed? Hello and welcome back to another
season of Dumb Bracken. I am very, very pleased that you're here. And if you have enjoyed this, please do... Tell people, review it on iTunes and Spotify. We've been getting some lovely reviews from people in the past couple of months, and that really just made my week for quite a while at one point. There's been a few just really, really fucking lovely reviews, and that means the world. The war stuff is just a little miniseries I thought would be fun to do at the start of
this season after how last season ended. Everyone just started knocking it out of the park. Gave me a bunch of brilliant, brilliant scenes to work with. So it kind of blew up from one episode that was supposed to be 30 minutes long into four episodes that all are about 45 minutes. Every time someone is funny on this show, they give me more work to do. So yes, all four episodes of the War miniseries, which is the opening to Season 3, they will be released on a weekly schedule.
Sort of weekly. I'm deliriously tired. I've been working on this for too long into nights. Because I have a lot of episodes finished for season three. About six episodes ready to go. But not the war ones. Crucially, I don't have the first few episodes of the season complete. But my life is about to change significantly as I am moving to America. So what does that mean for this podcast? I don't think it changes. Well, what that means
for the podcast is nothing. But it means that I will probably have less time to do the podcast. So in preparation for that, instead of weekly releases, I'm going to be moving to fortnightly releases. But what else do you need to know? Yes, this episode featured. Ah, who did it featured? Featured a fucking all -star cast of, like, a lot of people. It had, because I didn't do this last episode either, but it had Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Niall McKenna, where is the rest
of the list? Amelia Price, Rachel Coulter, David McCauley, Marcus Keeley, Aaron Marshall, and that is all of the usual. unusual they are all voices you've heard before wonderful returning voice talents but we also had three new people that you will hear over the next few episodes as I've recorded more and more stuff with different people you heard Claire Thompson you heard Robbie Robinson and you heard Aidan Kelly for the first time this episode so we have a lot of new voices
And that's very exciting. A lot of new, fresh talent coming in in Season 3. I love just listening to these funny fuckers just being themselves and having a laugh. Being themselves is the exact opposite of what they're doing. But they are the funniest people I know, and I love getting the chance to build a show around the funniest people. And if you're curious right now as to
the music and stuff that's happening... The two main songs, opening and closing credits, are both by Conor Mallon, and the album you can check out is Unearthed, and honestly, you fucking should. It is an incredible, incredible album. The song that you're hearing right now is called 144, and it is a beauty. I might start even changing the opening credits into different songs of his, because I just love them so, so much. I think they're so good. Check that out. And what else
do I need to say? Do I need to say anything else? I don't think so. So enjoy the next two episodes. They'll be releasing in the next two weeks. And then we'll be going to a fortnightly release schedule for the rest of this season. But enjoy season three. I am excited. There are honestly some of my favorite ever scenes have been recorded here. And I'm so excited for you to get the chance to hear them. I can't wait to finish them. God, it takes so much work to put together a podcast.
And join us next week for the never -ending saga of four parts.