Breathe in and breathe out. You're floating on a cloud. You have nothing to worry about. No problems at all. Your wife didn't leave you. She's not sleeping with your brother. You absolutely are not in any financial debt. You're definitely not bankrupt. You have no pain to worry about. Welcome back to Dunbracken. Hi um I've got my granddad here he's coming in for his uh his first ever tattoo. Oh yeah yeah of course yes uh you messaged me earlier about this. On Instagram yeah yeah that was me.
I've been taking myself up all day. Alright uh I mean. He's really excited. Don't do it Thomas you'll regret it when you get older. Stop it Philly. Just cause you regretted your tattoo and now it looks odd. I'm ready. I've waited till I'm older. This is grandad's friend Philly um he didn't actually invite him he just kind of brought himself along to try and stop grandad from getting a tattoo. I've been talking about this for months and he's been talking me down for months.
I'm just really excited you know he's been he's very passionate. What was the design you wanted again grandad? What are you thinking of? What are you thinking of? I've went through a few ideas but I think I'm finally settled on you know a Celtic design. Oh yes yes. I want a bee on top of that. So so generic. Can't believe you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. You didn't let me finish but the bee itself is in vertige.
See that's not black and yellow instead of yellow and black that's original. Jackass. There's no need for that language. There's no need for it around you all the time. Is that something you can do without be okay? Yeah yeah yeah no just give me a just give me a wee minute I will you know drop a couple of ideas and then we'll see how you feel just like vibe it out because. Also if that's not an option we could go the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Oh. But instead of swords and katanas they're just holding hurlybats. Oh yeah no wait. Would you prefer that one? We could yeah. And they're not named after Italian artists. This one. Oh Irish artists. That's really interesting. That's why and they paint with violence. Wow wow. He's very passionate. He's very passionate. That's deep. That's deep yeah. Is that original for you Billy? I still think you'll regret it for the rest of your days.
Oh just because my brother is the exact same one and regrets it doesn't mean I will. Thank you. Thank you for all the gifts. Thank you for the um the nibbles. Thank you for the years of your lives spent working with me. Woo speech. I'm doing a speech. Let them finish. Sorry. Get to the point. Let them finish. So it's a funny thing really because I looked forward to retirement for decades. So did we. But now now it's here. I'm can I have some more wine please? Now it's finally here. I'm scared.
I'm scared about how I'll fill my days. I'm scared of scared that what happened to my father what happened to me he he was dead within two years. Nobody cares. He was dead within two years of retirement and I mean he fell into a deep deep depression. Has he opened his gifts? He gets from all of us. I should have I should I should have visited him more but I've relocated here to Dunbracken for work and you know so far from the airport and it's cheaper to fly to Barcelona than back home.
Here he is going on about airport prices again. He loves to travel. But isn't it weird that you can fly further for for less money than. Can I have some more wine please? I'd go and order a tibetha instead of visiting my dad who got depressed and ill and died. I'm scared. But thank you for your efforts. All right great speech. Now why don't you open this gift? That's from all of us. From all of us even if not all of us put in the same amount. Just saying.
We put in ratios as work from our payslips. Yep. You like it? Um yes. Um it's interesting. Very cuboid. Yes. Very cuboid. Yeah. I mean I don't think I've got anything as cuboid as this in my house. That's what we thought. Is that an enormous Rubik's Cube? Yeah yeah I mean look we just we just but we know you were worried about retirement we thought this would keep your brain active. Yes it'll keep you busy for years. All the squares are black. They're slightly different tints.
One's obsidian, one's dark grey. Space black. Space black. There's even a navy one. It's hidden but it's in there. It'll make sure your eyesight is sharp and keen. Thank you. I mean that will keep you busy. Are you sure these are different colors? Yeah yeah. Oh here's your card. Oh thank you. Um most of us signed it. Um Ben didn't but. I have a wrist problem. Mm hmm. We all know why that is Ben. That's not funny. That's not funny no. I actually do it's like carpal tunnel but worse.
Can I have some more wine please? Yeah. I mean maybe slow down a wee bit. Oh look it's after five. It's a lovely picture of a gorilla. Yeah something funny with its ears and hands. It's a joke the hands are the feet and the feet are the hands. Don't you get it? It's your favorite gorilla. It's dead now. That's Gerald. Yeah. Yeah. You know what it's been so long since you've been to the zoo. Now that you've retired you can go to the zoo every day. You can get a season pass.
You can bring your cuboid. They've resurrected Gerald. No. They stuffed him. Oh who the hell did that? Some crazy woman. Looks like a real man. You can find it out in your free time now. You see there's so many ways to fill your day. You don't have to get depressed like your dad. Yeah. You want me to stave off depression by finding out who taxidermied my favorite gorilla. Endless Sisters of Time. There you go. Yeah. You can start with that.
Do you think people would listen to a podcast where I try to identify bad taxidermist? I think you can record one. You can put it out into the ethernet and never look at the numbers. Sure dad. Yeah. Well maybe I'll do that. You could visit Granddad's grave. Try to see who badly taxidermied him. But the plane costs are so much cheaper. You know I could go to the Balkans. You could compare the different costs. We know you could go to Ibiza instead of going to visit his grave in Barcelona. We know.
We know. We could just go to Barcelona and never come back. I mean it's just a suggestion. I mean it's cheaper. Cheaper. Yeah. We wouldn't have to listen to you speechifying all the time. Your mum's still there too. Yeah. You keep complaining about never seeing your dad and your mum. I think mum would be quite keen for you to do that. Oh that reminds me I need your key card. Do you need my gun as well? Eh you can keep it. Well hold on. Let's not be histy. How are you feeling? Why are you crying?
When you hit my little speech there. I stoned in and out to be quite honest. It was very long. Yeah it was tough. I don't think I would be safe with a gun right now. Well if you feel unsafe you should be armed. Yeah. No. That's fine. You hold on to it. Yeah you keep the gun. I think that's... If you're worried about someone attacking you. Yeah no it's better. It's odd as it is to know that you have your gun and can use it at any point during the day. Yeah it's very relieving.
Yeah. Now we might be talking about company business and that's you know confidential. Yeah and you're tired. I've still got expertise. Yeah yeah but you know it's division you know if there's a leak and then you're not contract. And the thing is we have to decide. I'm still working till five. Yeah you can have the day. You can have the day. Take it off. Don't worry we'll just take it off your final paycheck. I want the final three minutes.
The thing is dad we have to discuss who's taking over as president. I don't want to I have a carpal tunnel thing. Yeah we all know. We all know. It's a real condition. Two more minutes. I can make a final department decision. So it's me or him. Yeah you know what. Which one of us is going to be president. Do I get a vote? No. Go jerk off in the copy room. My decision is this. We're going to advertise. No! We're going to advertise the vacancy. We're going to hire from outside the company.
We're going to hire from outside Dunbracken. No! Oh no mums in Barcelona. You gonna give it to mum? Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. I'm going to hire someone who's qualified to do the job. If you do that I'll put salt in the tea every day. If you do that I will burn this company to the ground. I'll probably jerk off in the coffee room. Timmy and Phil have put in a request that they are stopping taking the medication and I don't know how to get them to.
I've been trying several techniques and they have stopped every one of them. So now I'm scared that they're both just well going to die frankly. This is the final stage in any person's life. Mine or theirs? Theirs. Okay yes. I mean I agreed. You must respect. They have more life experience than me. Maybe they're just like wasn't all that great. Okay I'm going to stop the training. I'm going to stop the training now.
So do you remember the last time a colleague agreed with you that the residents of this nursing home should die? Yeah I mean I've had a lot of therapy to try and block it out but apparently that's not what I was supposed to be doing in the therapy. You're just very willable Jackson. I know but this time I really tried to convince them that they shouldn't want to die but again their logic was flawless. What was their logic? Respect your elders. Listen I understand. I've been there.
I came in here and these old people ran loops around me. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I think if it was just Phil or just Timmy I could mentally convince one of them but they're a team in that room. Timmy is a powerhouse. Yeah the logic puzzles that they get me into in that room of theirs. It's like an escape room but just in my mind. But they want to die. No? Well I'm just saying that's what they want. I'm not saying. Yes but you're... Do I agree with this?
You're convincing yourself that it's okay because you're trying to get out of this. I'm going to send you back there. Oh no. And you're going to have to tell them that they have to take their medication. You have to take your medication. And if they don't take their medication do you know what you do? Leave the room and close the door. Jackson no! Pray to God. Stop relying on God. I stopped relying on God a long time ago and ever since then my house keeps burning down. Wow. Metaphorically or?
Oh no literally. I don't have insurance. But listen to this. I don't believe in God. So the fact that large singed crosses appear on my lawn is no concern to me. But this isn't about me. This is about you. They do believe in God. Timmy believes in God. Phil yeah. Phil and Timmy. Phil and Timmy yeah. Timmy. Timmy yes I see yeah. They do yes they believe in God. They said they've done terrible things and they just want it all over. I think they think they're getting into heaven though.
I don't think they realise that the terrible things element is probably. What terrible things have they done? Couldn't get it out of them. You could get out of them that they've done terrible things. But they would not. Timmy was almost going to say but Phil slapped him in the back of the head. Very very slowly though. Because he doesn't have a lot of movement in his. Well then you understand they have to live. Oh God. Because that is their punishment for the terrible thing. Whoa yeah.
Maybe hell is that room that they're in and they need to stay in it as long as possible before real hell. I've been convinced. I'm glad we came all this way now to see this big giant Irish castle. Oh it's beautiful isn't it? It is beautiful. Yeah. I love it because it's older than our country. Yeah yeah you don't get anything like that. The oldest thing we have is. Old George I think. Yeah old George yeah. He's 89. Are you talking about me? Yeah I'm so glad you could come with us old George.
I'm cold. Don't worry look finally something older than you George. Yeah this castle is like 500 years old. 500 years old. That's way older than you. That is four or more times older than me. Don't worry we're going to get you that record. We're going to make you older than that castle one day. Alright I'll start tearing away. You guys ready? I brought the dynamite. We're going to make old George the oldest damn thing in this place. We're going to go all around this country.
Hang on is that the plan? We're actually going to go around and destroy anything that's older than 89 years old. Oh my back. Yeah George you keep lifting those bricks. I'll be back. You'll never be able to get a job again. I'm a hobby. People look at that thing still. I'm applying every day my LinkedIn profile's flat out. Wait till you get that tattoo and nobody will want to hire you. Really you say. Nobody wants to hire me anyway.
This is coming from experiences you say you had a tattoo as well. Don't want to talk about it. And you still won't give me a job. Alright so here is something I've just drawn up. I think you know I was using both of your ideas. I've put a little bit of the Celtic inspiration into the Ninja Turtles as well. You can see there that you've got. They're black and they're yellow. Wow Granathan that looked really good on you. That looked really good on me because of the scurvy.
I'm already a little bit yellow. It would really blend in. The black would really pop. Our turtle's not supposed to be green. It's original design. Granathan what did you say you wanted to get the tattoo again? Well it depends because it can pull down a lot of bits of skin all over my body. So I think it's the one that has the most tension still available in it. So I think that's my trace here. Oh okay okay I think we could work with that. Okay so are you thinking?
There's not much give there's still not much wrinkle there yet. We can work with it. I've got some clips. I can just clip back the skin like you know whenever you. I keep them. Well I prefer to get them back. That's alright. I would use them for like my laundry and things. I wouldn't want to ruin your business. I can help as well. I can hold his skin back if you need to. I would appreciate that you know. He holds me down for the phone shots.
What actually happens when you take the clips off and the skin just starts flopping about with a picture on it. Oh should you be maybe doing it just au natural. So then whenever age does finally hit me that it just looks the same. Should you do it over the wrinkles? You're the artist. I'll uh you know I'm going to incorporate the wrinkles into it you know create the movement with it you know give a depth to it as you can see. And the turtles one will have turtle keats here. That's clever.
That's clever. Yeah no if you want to come on back then we'll get this started here. So I would prefer to if you're going to be here I would prefer sorry sir good vibes really. So you can if you if you'd be comfortable sir with with your friends joining you. Oh no I would actually like both of them to hold me down because when I lie down it reminds me of the war. Dead on. Dead on. Am I start kicking?
The reason that is because you actually slept through most of the war and that was your position lying down. Yeah but I could hear it in the background. I can't actually live on my own at the moment I have to live with granddad because he needs me to hold him down every night. Yeah okay well if you want to come on and just you know hop in the chair you yous can just get held down I'll go get the clips here and I'll go get some gloves.
Can I just say who what you said um turtle keats who are the other three? Yeah of course so we've got um so we're basing on Irish artists so we've got you know I've got turtle bacon. Bacon definitely was Irish. Is that one Daniel O'Donnell? Yeah you know I have decided to since he said artist it didn't you know. Yeah artists can be many things. It would be many so I've got. You could put my grandson in if you want he is. We've got turtle keats turtle bacon.
Turtle Stephen Nolan. Turtle Stephen Nolan and turtle O'Donnell. Oh. So um. I love this. And they're all carrying the hurly sticks which I think is a really cool idea so if yous if yous want to hop on that wee table there sure and we'll get you hooked on then alright. Alright what are yous holding? Just relax there. I'm telling you you'll regret it. Oh no. I said good vibes. If you can just. Just hold me down. Just hold you down. Okay granted am I gonna hurt is it gonna hurt him? I can take it.
Um how much sensation do you have? I can feel it in the right arm. Oh you'll love it. Alright then. Alright. That's not a good sign. That's no. Good vibes. Is this why I chose this day to finally do it? Have you started yet? Yes. That noise is giving me flashbacks. Hold me down. Tell us about your tattoo Philly. Stop hiding it. I'm too ashamed. Is it the same one that he's got? No the turtles didn't exist at that point. Oh but it's got hurly sticks. Not tonight man. Nah not tonight. Please.
It's my birthday. It's my birthday. Ah go on mate go on he's alright he's okay. He looks drunker than he actually is yeah. I always look drunk. I look drunk as a kid. I would get carted when going to school. It's just I have a drunk face. I have a resting drunk face. I like you. You're a good judge of character. Please let me in it's my birthday. You just look like this. You're not actually drunk. I'm a wee bit tipsy but I look like that. Let me show you my driver's license photo. I look wasted.
Yeah it really confuses the police. Let me see that. Alright when's your birthday? Today. Which is? Wednesday. Come on man. It doesn't say the day on here. Say the date. Does it not? Can I see? No this is a test. See how drunk you are. Oh okay. You can't even remember your own birthday even though it's today. Obviously I remember it if I'm celebrating it. It's after Christmas. Christmas was a little while ago. So hang on. It's after Christmas and it's not New Year's yet. So hang on.
So we can work this out. Yeah we can figure it out. Hang on. It's always the same. What's your fireworks policy? I mean I don't think we have one but I'm going to say no. Don't bring fireworks in. How about just your coat check? I mean we have one yeah. Does it charge? You're not wearing a coat though. What are you going to? It's not for the coat. No I think he's just trying to make a point. It's not nice getting asked all these questions.
You don't even know the answers to whether you're coat checking. This is why you're my best friend in the whole world. He's asking you questions about your birthday you can't answer and then he's not going to let you in. You ask him about the coat thing. He's at a place that he works and he can't even he doesn't even know the answer. I mean how's that fair? Are you drunk? I'm no sir. I'm a professional. Put your hands on your nose and walk in a straight line while saying the alphabet words.
Yeah yeah. Huh? Not so nice now. Guys you're holding up the line but there's people behind you looking to get in. I'm going to need you to. No we actually want you to prove what he just asked. We need to know that you're not drunk sir. How do we know you work here and you're not just a drunk guy? I'm happy to wait. Do you not see the earpiece? Yeah no. Hold on. I got AirPods. Hold on. No not an AirPod. I've got an earpiece. Hold on. Don't step. I'm trying to find. I wasn't going to do that.
That's a stone. Sorry. No. Hang on. Oh hey could you uh can I get in? That's my ID. Oh. He's not the. Sir he's not the bouncer. Happy belated birthday. Thank you. He's got an AirPod. I'm sorry what am I supposed to do? Trust you. You didn't answer a single question. He's got one AirPod and one ear. He's clearly more of a bouncer than you are. I mean you're just wearing yours with some joker and like a big long black coat. And if you see the other just leave it out to coat check.
It's 150. Thank you. Yeah so he knows the coat check. He's more of a bouncer than you are. No fireworks. Fine. What are you doing? I'm doing your job for you. If you work here even. Excuse me. I do. Thank you. I've seen no proof. Can I see that ID sir? This is your ID. Oh happy birthday. Go on Ryan. And here we are. On the plains observing the rhinoceri as they slowly migrate because that's the correct term for an anoceros walking across the plains. Two more grass where they will eat.
Keep going Barry. We'll put it all in with CGI. Now could you could you say there's a seagull flying in? A seagull? What? A seagull. We've got a seagull. We've got a very good seagull. What do you mean a seagull? A realistic feather. It's going to land on the rhinoceros in the finished product. Can you just take that into account? What a fucking seagull. Seagulls and rhinoceroses don't live in the same area. It's all done by CGI so it doesn't matter does it? What fucking CGI doesn't matter?
Where the fuck am I from? What? What? You're just doing the voiceover mate. Alright. I'm just saying there's a change to the script. Jesus cross. Barry stop getting too deep when there's changes to the script. I'm not getting deep Gerald. You do. You do this. You lose yourself every time. It's not losing myself. I'm just trying to stay accurate. You just questioned where you came from Barry. If that's not losing yourself. I think you felt like you'd embodied the rhinoceros.
And that would be acceptable but now we need you to embody a rhinoceros that's going to have a seagull landed on it. Right. Alright. From the top. Here we go. And now a seagull is going to land on a rhinoceros because a seagull has found itself on the African Plain. Well we can't say it like that because that would be predicting that it's going to happen. You need to be more like and now oh look it has landed on it. You know you can't say. You can't talk like you're God. I'm vexed.
Well that's more like God gets vexed again. There's new research. They've found out seagulls all over the African Plains. Yeah. I've got some notes from the producer. So he says that there needs to be a puppy in the scene. Oh for fuck's sake. A lovely puppy. A lovely puppy. Because the children will like that. Did we get the sponsorship then? Yeah we did. Wonderful. Pedigree. That's fantastic. Pedigree charm money boys. Yum yum yum. Come come come.
Hang about so a fucking golden retriever puppy is going to suddenly. No no no. How do you know it's a golden retriever? It's to be a Yorkie. It's a Yorkshire terrier. Pedigree charm don't use Yorkies. They use golden retrievers don't they? They're advertising all different dogs. No that's why we're using a Yorkie because the Yorkie is going to be stamped on by the rhinoceros killed instantly. Oh Jesus Christ. Wait wait.
Yeah. It's going to be killed instantly and then it's going to say Pedigree is the best Yorkie sight. This could win you an award. You know. Really? I've never seen David Amber narrate a puppy being crushed to death by a rhino. And we're going to do the CGI on it. I did see this. They've really got good with the blood effects. The slow motion is incredible. Slow motion. Slow motion puppy getting crushed. They've started using AI apparently. Whoa whoa whoa. No no no. Hold on a minute. Right.
So there's slow motion here. Don't you talk slow. Not like last time. It took about 15 hours for you to get through that monologue about the gazelles and all that. Right. Okay. So you talk normal speed. Normal speed. I'm just going to stand in front of you because it's all done in post now. Hold on. Don't even mention slow motion. You know he's a bit slow himself. Hang on. Hang on. Give me a cue when the slow motion is in here. And I won't talk slow. Or much. Right.
I'll just slow my diction by about. Well speed you up in post. Even if it makes you sound steady. I'm not going to. Right. And if you want to be up for the awards. You don't want to sound like you've taken a fucking lung full of helium. Yeah it's true. Right Barry? Right. Listen. I'm just thinking if it's in slow motion, if I was to maybe talk around 15% speed. I think that's alright. 15% of general or like. So are you saying. 15% of Alan when he's pissed. Oh. Off. Pissed off. Not pissed drunk.
Pissed off. Alan. What quantitative measure is it? It is. Because when you're angry. When you're angry you're real precise. You're a speed talker mate. Yeah. You've got more notes than a producer. Yeah. So Barry basically the slower you talk the less you get paid. Oh. Like that. Right. And does it work the other way around though? Does he get paid more if he talks faster? There's a flat rate. Oh this isn't a newspaper in the 20s where by word. Okay good. Well I've done a minute.
This is a bit of a bollocks up isn't it? Yeah. So I get penalised for talking slower. I think this is a contract you signed. No yeah after that. Is that right? Yeah after you talked so slow. Back to the fucking Rhino. Yeah so already the seagulls landed. Barry. Barry. And Barry. Barry you signed an NDA so you can't tell anybody about any of this. Oh yeah. I did. I did. I signed an NDA. I signed an NDA. Right. An NDA. And now to be fair in this one. Never didn't happen.
Exactly. And now don't forget Barry. You can be surprised by the fact that the Yorkie is there this time because the seagull is natural but the Yorkie it's gonna die. It shouldn't be there in the first place. We're saying bad things about Yorkies. We're saying they don't know where they should be. Oh I'm with you. I'm with you. They said the boys up high they said there needs to be a lady in a bikini. Oh. Is that what distracts the Rhino? Yeah. And that's how the Yorkie gets killed.
It's her dog. And is she gonna be CGI? Jesus. She's gonna be CGI. Fucking Christ. She's an irresponsible dog owner letting it around in a safari. Right. And that's why she would buy Yorkies because she's an irresponsible dog owner. Yes. Yorkies are terrible dogs. Got it. Okay here we go. And she's called Brenda. Brenda. You don't have to say it but just know that that helps inform her character. Brenda's my motivation. Right. Right. And now we see a Rhino slowly migrating to get some grass.
Oh a seagull now land on his horn. Sorry a little faster Barry. Seagulls love landing on rhino's horns. Seagulls love to do that because they moisten the horn so it can kill easier and slip into the carcass of the enemy. But what's this? Oh no. A wee Yorkie named Jeff is barreling towards Rhino. And there's a woman in a bikini. The bikini is red with leopard print. It's agitated the Rhino. The Rhino is now barreling towards the Yorkie. And the Yorkie starts left.
And the Yorkie starts slow mo now. And now the Yorkie is crushed. It's in smithereens. It resembles Heinz tomato ketchup. Can you also specify it's a Victoria's Secret bikini because we're getting sponsored by them as well. Victoria's Secret have sponsored a leopard print bikini but do not endorse Rhino annoyance. That was fucking perfect Barry. You know what I really felt at that time. I mean you named a dog but we can cut that out.
I actually liked it because it gives a little bit of more emotion to people. Maybe we should have a close up of a collar. Oh yeah. Like a little dog bone. Do you know what? Right? Because I have a mate who does dog collars but they're done by... Do you think he'd be willing to sponsor? Well listen to this right. He works for D&G and they're dog collars so we could have D&G in it as well. Wow. This is amazing. We're going to make money and possibly Barry's going to win the award.
Sounds like a wrap. Yeah. Shall we go, anyone for the pub? Fucking hell it's Monday. Ah go on. Yeah. Why not? Yeah we go. Do the boys upstairs want to come? We never invite them to anything. Because they're accountants. They work for a different company. Money people, we can't be dealing with that. Well hang on. No they're really bad guys. They're really bad guys. That's why I'm... Oh Sally I'm sorry. The go between.
Sally every time you leave the room and disappear upstairs you just come down and you always seem to say the right things like but I've never once met these boys from upstairs. Honestly I have. I'm just going to nip out and see what they're like. No no no I wouldn't do that Barry. No Barry. Barry no. Oh fuck you know. Jesus Christ lads the boys upstairs they're the mop people. They're just mops. I know. They're just mops. That's why we told you not to go there Barry. We told you Barry.
Once you know it's hard to go back. I don't think you understand. This hostage high rip off of Discovery Channel has been run by mops. Back to Dunbracken is created produced and edited by Conor McVeigh. For more information on the podcast you can follow us at Dunbracken pod on Instagram. This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Niall McKenna, Cairnsands, Robert Vaughan, Gemma Burnett, Owen Heading, Mark Henry, James Geddes, Drew Hendry and Kat McKnight.
The opening and closing music was created by Conor Mallon and you can check out his entire album on earth on Spotify now. Thank you for listening we look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.