And my roof's just got a bit of stuff on it that I needed cleaned and I don't know, it looks-- like I went up there and now it looks like a lot of the slate's missing. Really? Yeah. Wow. Slates you say? Slates are gone, yeah. And are you sure you didn't miscount? No, it's not even like it's- I didn't count them to begin with, it's just as a loader. You didn't know how many there were to begin with, why would you even say they're missing if you don't know how many there are supposed to be?
Because there's like holes where the slate should be, there's like missing slates. Are you a roofer? No. They're probably there for like airflow. Oh really? I would imagine so. Oh okay, sorry, I just thought that- there's a lot of moss there as well and that's what I was going up originally for but now you say, oh okay, well. I mean I'm just saying there's no reason to investigate that.
You didn't know how many slates there were beforehand so whatever number there is now that could be the correct one. Yeah and you're a private investigator. Yeah. So you would know, does that happen a lot? Yeah that's always what I say, the important thing is you need to know in what way things are different. Okay, well. You know, like sometimes people ask me to look for their missing parent and I go, do you remember ever having a parent? Some people can't remember. I get that.
And then, you know, first thing, check they exist in the first place. Fair, does it matter if the parent could remember you? Um. Because like if you remembered you had a parent but the parent had Alzheimer's and couldn't remember you, does that- That's an interesting scenario, it hasn't occurred to me yet but I will keep that in mind. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, so all I'm saying is don't worry about your missing root slates. Alright, well here's that money. Yeah, cheers.
Thank you very much. Yeah, no problem, anything else you want me to investigate? I thought this would take longer. I had the whole day through. Could you follow my son? Okay, now, you know what I'm gonna ask? Do you remember having a son? I wanna be honest with you, I do. You do, okay, and you can't picture proof? I do, yeah, now, but that actually brings me- he hasn't contacted me for a while. What's a while?
Four months and I'm worried that he in fact doesn't remember me, which is why I kinda- Now, how often would you expect him to contact you? Is four months an unusually long period for him not to contact you? It is, yeah. Okay, okay. Usually he'd be every other week, minimum. Sometimes it's more than that, sometimes it's every week. Now, looking at that picture, I'm guessing- He was a chubby teenager, but he's- I wasn't gonna guess the weight.
I've learned that the hard way, clients don't like it when you guess their weight. Welcome. Back to Dunbracken. Alright, Mrs Jones, I've finished painting this glass house green for you. Um, you've must a panel on the top corner. Look, well you just need one that's still glass. You know, just to let the light in. I want the full thing green. Okay, that will be an extra £20. I paid you in advance. For a greenhouse. Yes. Not a glass house.
I have done it to industry standards, which is leaving one panel still glass. Well, I want it to be my standards. Like I say, I am willing to do that, Mrs Jones, but it will be an extra £20, because I did not factor in the cost of the extra panel of paint. You're gonna have to wait for the painting in two weeks' time. Well then, I will complete the job in two weeks' time. Well, I have tomatoes to grow. Well surely they'll take more than two weeks. Oh no, they're very quick in here.
Well, it is a very high quality greenhouse, I will give you that. Well, it's not a very high quality greenhouse if one panel isn't green. Mrs Jones, you're just not familiar with the way things are done in the greenhouse business. Sorry, you have a look at those tomatoes and tell me I'm not familiar with the business. Look, I am not disputing the quality of your tomatoes. You name a colour, I've got a tomato in it. Brown. Got one. Well, I am impressed. So we just have to build a fire.
No, we have to build a relationship. It's the theme of the event. Come on. The theme of the event, but they took, what, all 30 employees out into the middle of the wilderness and, I mean, Mr O'Reilly just said survive and drove off. Did you not read the document in advance that said, here's the mission statement, here's the aims and objectives. No, why would I do that? It's not just about being here as people.
It's about being here as like spirits and connecting together in a way that's beyond work. That's all well and good, sure. But like I thought we were going to be here. We'd maybe do a bit of like clay pigeon shooting. There's a lake. We could maybe just like go rowing in the lake and things like that. But we just, we're just building a tent. Somebody brought some marshmallows. Sorry, where's the, I'm starving. Where's the marshmallows?
I think Derek has them in his bag if you want to just hook into them. Like are we supposed to hunt? There's six tents. There's 30 of us. I don't know. Yeah, we're meant to build a society and only the strongest survive. Just like in the workplace. The headcount is being reduced in the office and only the people who are the strongest will survive. Was this in the mission statement? You need to read these things. Come on. That is a terrible way of telling us that some of us are getting fired.
Well, they're not, you're not getting fired. You're getting downsized. Sorry, do you know where Derek is? I can't find him. He went off hunting for a while, but I don't know. All right. Okay. Thanks. His bag should be about, his bag should be about it. It's the one. Yep. Cheers. So the 10% at the bottom, they're not going to be asked back. In fact, there's not even going to be seats in the bus. That's all right. So I'll, oh, so he's literally getting a smaller bus.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So there's 30 of us. I only have to beat three people. Yeah. How do I beat them? What are, what is our... If we form relationships, then we'll become a group and the group will survive. Right. So what I'm thinking is we betray three people, oust them from the group. Sort of like a survivor-esque thing. We just, if we get a group of 27 together, we just have to oust three people.
We don't even need to, because there's no point in splitting into smaller groups because you split into smaller groups, then your whole group could be gone. Well, if there was two groups of 15, that wouldn't work. You're in trouble then. But if you ended up with all groups, 10 groups of three, then suddenly one group's gone. That seems illogical as well. So we just have to make sure we're in a group of at least 16, because we're not going to get rid of all 16 people.
They might get rid of three from 14, but they're not going to get rid of three from 16 then. That would be silly. I found Derek. He's out in the forest. He's been skinned. How many people were with him? Oh, great. Was it only him? It was just him lying in a clearing and he's... I got the marshmallows though. Oh, this is good. So now we only need to oust two of them. I didn't. Oh. He's skinned alive. Perfect. When you say skinned, like drunk. No, no. His skin has been removed. What?
Yeah. I don't know. It's not like him. The fleshless body. Yeah. What, like by an animal? I don't know. It seems... Did it look surgical? Yeah. No, it seemed very... Right. I want to team up with that person, I think. Let's find who... I think we should get help. I don't think this is part of... No, no, because this person's going to just... All he has to do is skin three more people. I don't think this is part of the team building. There was no mention of skinning in the mission statement.
No, what I'm saying is someone has obviously shown initiative to get ahead in the corporate world. Who has ever shown initiative at this company before? Do you just want marshmallows? Oh, could you pass it over if you... Yeah. I'm quite hungry. Cheers. This actually is more reason to get into a big group because they're not going to skin a big group. You might skin if you're just two people. They might take a chance. Actually, I should check to see what else Derry had in his bag.
Just the marshmallows are sitting out. Maybe he has... Hold on. The pink ones are nicer than the white. I'll come back shortly. Hold on. From Bonnie. I don't know. I'm worried. I don't think this is part of the team building event at all. You were saying they were going to cull? Yeah, they were just going to do... The ones who are bad at the team building exercise, they're just going to leave in the woods. Those white ones are bad. They're not going to... Leave in the woods, but they're...
Okay, so between the lines, it doesn't say that they're not going to be skinned. Not going to leave in the woods dead? This could be Mr. O'Reilly hunting himself. He's not hunting himself. He could be himself hunting the bottom three. Can't Chius after and skin somebody so for what? Derek's pretty slow. Or sorry, Derek was pretty slow, so you could definitely chase and skin him if you wanted to. That's not nice about Derek. The man's dead.
If you can't speak ill of the dead, who can you speak ill of? So that's another one likely. So there's just one more we need to get done. And we're good. I'm not comfortable with this. Look, you're not even taking part in it. I'm not doing any killing. You're not doing any killing. Look, if three people were going to probably die out in the forest anyway by a bear, so it's better to get it over quickly. Now I say that if they're being skinned, that could be a very slow death.
Let's hope they're being killed and then skinned. Maybe once Jimmy comes back, we can find out if Derek looked like... I don't know what you'd even tell. I'd say it would be the amount of blood. Actually, you know... I've watched plenty of documentaries now. Come on, you don't watch a serial killer documentary. I have no idea how to tell if someone's been skinned before or after they've been killed. You didn't watch that Netflix documentary, The Flanders of Great Britain?
Didn't watch The Flanders of Great Britain. What was this? Family. Well, who's that? Hey, hey, what are you doing up there? Hey, who is that? I can't see. Why are you hooded? That's three. I'm sorry, are you following me? Yes. Yeah, because you're really on my elbow here. It tends to be different customer status, different self-checkouts, and you're really keeping an eye on things. Can I help you? Okay, I'm going to say a number. Okay, and I just want to watch your reaction, okay?
Did I take the... 13 stone. Did I take a product that you were eyeing up and put in my trolley before you were... I just... I'm going to say a parental figure. And I just want to watch your reaction. Father. I believe I'm looking for you. No, I'm sorry. I'm not your child. No, I... I'm sorry, sir. You're very confused. I know you're not my child. I'm just here doing my bursaries. You've been following me because you thought I was your child.
I don't think you're my child, but I think you're someone else's child. Oh yeah, I am someone else's child. We're all someone else's child. In God's eyes. And you know, literally also. Yes, that's true. I like to think of myself as my own mom, but I suppose I am someone else's child. Okay, well, if that's everything... I'm just going to take a quick picture of you. No, no, I do not consent to that at all. Okay, I'm just going to hold my phone up. No, sorry, I just...
And I'm going to take a selfie. Can someone help me? I'm having an issue, not baggage area. Just... this man's bothering me. It's all right, ladies and gentlemen. I am following him. No, that's not him. You sure? That's not... no, it's definitely not him. He does look different. He does look different. But he reacted to father and 13 stone. So I was confident. Oh wow. Are you sure it's not him? I mean, I haven't seen him in four months, but it's... the facial structure, the hair, the eye colors.
Hello. I mean, the eyes look red in this father, so that could just be a... It could be he's a demon. Okay. Oh my God. What if it's not my child, but somebody's child has a demon in them? He did confirm he was someone's child. Oh no. Yeah. I'm going to get the priest. Okay, here's the mistake we made before I start my investigation. And I'll give you a discount because it's my mistake too. Oh, okay.
We should have looked at the picture from four months ago and drawn a trajectory to what we expect him to look like now. I made a classic mistake. I started looking for someone. I didn't know what to expect. This is the tiles on the roof all over again. It is. It is. Yeah. And there's more of them gone, by the way. Again, we didn't count them when we were up there. We don't know how many there were beforehand. It just feels like there's a lot of holes in the roof, but you're right. I forgot.
I'm going to count them. Yeah. I'm going to count them. From now on, I'll count them. Yeah. I mean, you'll count them. I don't know why you would want me to count them. Okay. But... I mean, I'll do it. I charge hourly. Yeah. I'll do it. Yeah, no, that's true. Right. Well, if you keep looking for my son, I'm going to look for this person with a priest and we'll exercise this red-eyed demon. Don't worry. You'll still get a cut once we know...
We still haven't drawn a trajectory to what we expect your son to look like now. That's true. Okay. So in the picture you showed me, 13 stone. Yeah. Now, so the problem is it could go one or two ways, couldn't it? Or stay the same. Which is one of the two ways it could be changed or different. You expect more or less or... and I'm open to this. My initial guess overall. I don't think so. You're a very good private investigator. I trust your gut instinct. I'm glad to hear it.
Okay. He usually eats more when he's living away, so... Okay. So that was my mistake. He also exercises more. Ah. So same weight, but more muscular. Yeah. So that's what... That's a mistake. I made for someone who looked just as fit. Oh, yeah. This is why you always need to remember what are you expecting? Also, my son, definitely not a demon's type. So I would... Not a demon? Not a demon's type. Not a demon's type. I mean, a demon could possess anyone, but he just doesn't seem...
Okay, but we would expect no demons then. Expect no demons. So as soon as you see those red eyes, just... Yeah, there. That's all right. I've got a crucifix. I will flash it in people and see how they react. Okay, good, good, good. Room four has not come out in 42 hours. And I am so curious. Me too. My God. What are they doing in there? I don't know, but I've... Like, they're not dead, because I've heard noises. I went up to the door with a glass, but I couldn't hear anything at that time.
It was nighttime though, so it could have been sleeping. How's your throat? Oh, great. Yeah. The lozenges haven't really been working. Yeah, I think it needs... I think you need to go to a doctor. I think so. Jerry, I mean, your glands are huge. That seems like a little much. It looks like you swallowed a plate. They're giant. It really does. It's kind of getting in the way of... Is it that noticeable? Yeah, yeah. Every time you... Like, it's... Your shirt is so far undone.
Yeah, you can't button your shirt up. I mean, none of us want to do all the top buttons, right? Like, that's a lot of buttons. But you used to be able to do the top buttons though, Jerry. Yeah, but... So I can't play this, huh? Like, it's okay. Like, it's a sick day. You can go home and just have a sick day. Yeah, no. The problem is if I go...
Because I've been trying to hold it in, because I want to go on the date with Melissa next week, and I don't want to go to the hospital, because they might put me in bed rest or something, so I'm just trying to hold on. It's a whole week away, Jerry. Come on, I can do it. I feel like if you go home and rest, you'll be in good form. I really need the money. I don't know if I can pay another full bill. So... And it's been going pretty well with her. Okay. So, like, I want to...
Well, I guess then you're going to stay and you're going to work the rest of this nine-hour shift. Yeah. Is this contagious? Like, what is it? Oh, no, don't worry about it. It's just a sinus infection. In your neck? In your neck? Yeah, it grew down. It grew down? Yeah. Who's your doctor? Dr. Phillips. Dr. Phil. Dr. Phillips. Yeah. Dr. Phil. But to be fair, I haven't went to him. Yeah. So where are you getting this information about it being us? Googled it.
So it's slowly working its way down my body. I think I'm going to get a lung infection and that should... The plant size of the throat will be in the chest and no one will know that. Wait, so is Dr. Phillips just an online doctor? No, no, he's my... Oh, he's your real doctor? Okay. Yeah. But I just haven't went and seen him because he's going to tell me I'm sick and I can't have that. Yeah, you know that you're sick whether or not your doctor tells you you're sick.
You know, it's not like when he says that it magics into being. Yeah, but then legally I have to like stay off work and I really need the money. Um... You're entitled to sick days. You're paid for sick days. Oh, you used them all at the beginning of the year for that festival, didn't you? Yeah, I was not sick and... Yeah, yeah. Look at me now and yeah, it was trouble. The last of the daylight, I remember that, that festival. Yeah. It was bad. God, I just used my leave on that. Did you?
Yeah. Yeah. And the worst thing is I don't even remember. I was in so many drugs. Oh, God, sorry. It was a little bit of thunder outside. Oh, I thought it was 42. Okay. Oh, you're right. It is. Oh, God. Oh. Those were just dark clouds. Thank goodness, yeah. 42 is up to... Oh, God. Hello? Uh, Diane's bed and breakfast. How are you, Diane? This is Ethel in room four. I'm out of smokes. Any chance you can send up that very attractive young man with the, uh, with the big old lozenge in his neck?
Ethel, when you're told about this, Ethel, bring the tractor party in. Yeah, oh, you... Hold on. Stanley, Stanley. Stanley, Stanley. For what purpose do you want... Just a little eye candy, you know yourself. For what purpose would... Eye candy. Eye, eye candy and... Yeah, eye candy. I just want to see. I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to grab him or squeeze him or rub him or anything. Don't worry about that. I'm only an old lady who's looking for smokes.
Okay, well, we can bring you cigarettes. It's unorthodox, but we can do that. Fantastic, fantastic. Cigarettes, you say? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we can bring... Send up the fellow that looks like he swallowed a bass. Um, yes, I believe I know who you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They want you. He's got one of them, uh, Shakespearean roughs on, but it's in his neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. I know the one. I know the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the one who looks like somebody blew a balloon up inside of him. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one with the tight arse. Yes, yes, the one with the exceptional legs. Um, of course, of course. Um, well, you just stay where you are and... Oh, I'm not moving. Don't worry about it. Stanley's gonna give me a good scene in two now. Now, right, Stanley. I am just getting ready. Just getting ready.
Getting ready by the way means he's been chewing his viagra for the last four hours now and he's just starting to work up a bit of a lather. Now, just to let you guys know, um, checkout is, um, you know, it was about... We won't make it. We won't make it. We won't make it. We won't make it. We won't make it. We won't make it. Well, I know. You actually haven't already made it. Yeah, yeah. Great. So we're just gonna charge you for the extra day. Is that okay? Look, we, money is no object.
Okay. We have traveled the world. We are, we are aristocratic. Tell them they can bring another viagra pill up with us, folks. Wow, it sounds like our... There was more to that, Stanley. Sorry. It sounded like there was more to that. Any chance you have any more of the blue pills down there? We do, the viagra pills, the ones that you're... Oh, I don't care. So this day is like, you know, he's gonna be hard as a rock for about two days. Viagra pills. Bring him up a sugar pill for all he cares.
We were still at the top sale. All right. Okay. Well, we'll do that now. And, and, uh, yeah, he'll be up to you in a second. If any baby oil. We do bring up the viagra pills. We'll bring up the viagra pills. We'll bring up the viagra pills, but not for the use that I think that you want to use baby oil for. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's done, nothing like that now. It's, it's just purely sexual. Describe, okay. Yeah. Never mind. Purely sexual.
I don't think that's just for sex. We can send you a massage. Yeah, we're very dry. We're very dry. Okay. Well, I'm going to let this be the problem of the boys. Okay, well I'm gonna let this be the problem of the boy with the strep throat. So, um... Dude, Jerry, the tight arse. Yeah. The buns of steel we call them. Yeah, is there anything else? That we call them? What else do we call them, Stanley? Buns of steel! I said that one. Uh, tray bakers.
Tray bakers, now that's what we've been working on. We're not sure about that. We're not sure about that one, boy. Ha ha ha ha. Uh, I call them my little gumdrop. As well. Wait, wait, wait. Ask him what he thinks a tray baker is. Because I think it's fucking great. Alright, okay, fine. Sorry, we're not on an impasse. Look, sorry, to body. What's your name on the reception there? Ethel. So, Ethel, if you don't mind me saying you sound like a John. Uh... There's so many ways to work a tray baker.
I think the blood's gone away from your brain. Yeah, I think I do mind you saying that. Um, we're gonna actually... I think we need that room now. Uh, for somebody else later on. There's not a single person that's gonna pay for this room. We have to work with them. So, you can have it if you want, but you'll have to drag our oily bodies out. Um, okay, uh... Look, the room upstairs there, they need, um... You to bring baby oil. Uh, a bunch of Viagra. A bunch of Viagra? Yeah, a bunch of Viagra.
Well, like, just, I don't know, just go to the drawer, just take a hand. Is this 42? Cause we're finally, no? Um, was it four or 42? I think it was four. Eight. You're in room eight? I'm in room eight. Yeah, no, we're not the shut-ins in 42. Okay. No, no, no. Oh, you're room eight, okay. So your name was Ethel as well, and my name was Ethel. Yeah, I think we're both Ethel. That's mad, you never see any more Ethels. You're not. I'm Ethel the Nettle. Are you Ethel the Kettle? Oh my god! Oh my god.
You can stay here as long as you like. I'm very nice, there. Honestly, that's out of our hands now. Bring them the best baby oil we have. And the finest Viagra. And the finest Viagra. The finest Viagra. The ones we were keeping if any royalty ever showed up? Yes. Yeah, God, okay. And it turns out they were just having sex. It actually wasn't that exciting. I was hoping it would be like murder behind the doors. Just to be clear now. Sorry? I'm sorry, I just overheard you there.
We're not the couple in 42. Go murder, O! Oh right, well I guess we better go check on 42. Yeah, this is an entirely different room. I said room eight. We're gonna go check on room 42. Ethel, do you want to come? More than you know. Okay. I'm sorry, I think maybe... Sorry, I just had a question about this flyer for an exercise class. I think you spell exercise like the demonic sense rather than the fitness sense. I'm just drawing your attention to it. I don't plan on attending. Don't worry, son.
It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss it. It's gonna be okay. That's not my son. I'm using son in the paternal sense. I'm gonna say a number at you. I just need you to react. You red-eyed boy. Sorry, I was just asking about typos. No, it's not a typo. It's not a typo. Hold on, your son, how good was his spelling? B+. Unlikely to get that wrong. Okay, but we have spotted it. Oh, it's bad eyesight, so probably not.
Okay, sir, you're not a missing son, or at least not the missing son. You don't work in the leisure center, D. You are. I rent an office in the back. But you are potentially a demon. Now, if you'd wait here for a while, look at your red eyes. Well, they're not here. Again, remember. I'm gonna take out my phone. No, don't take my photo. No! You know, I think we've made another classic mistake. We set up an exercise class when we expect your son to need zero exorcisms. We conflated
the two cases together. We did, yes. It's tough being a detective. It is really tough. Yeah, I should pay you more. You should charge more. I charge what I think I earn. Back to Dunbracken is created, produced, and edited by Colin Lothman-Bey. For more information on the podcast, you can follow us at DunbrackenPod on Instagram. Guests this week were Patrick Meyer, Marcus Keighley, Laura Conlon, Luke Benson, John Close, Rachel Coulter, Adam Crossan, and Aaron Marshall.
The opening and closing music was created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now. We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.