Hey everybody, it's Roger here for Dunbracken 105.7 and you'll never believe it, they've actually let me out the studio this week. I'm here down in the Dunbracken Christmas markets. We're gonna see what kind of stuff we can buy, but we're also gonna chat to some of the locals around here. It's Christmas time, you know, we're here to celebrate, we're here to be happy, be joyous, you know, get some drinks, get some nice food, get some good stuff. Here's one of my, uh, sir, sir, come, uh, hello.
Hello. Hi. How's it going? It's great, it's me, Roger from Dunbracken 105.7. Oh yeah, the man on the radio, yeah. Yeah, yeah, how's your Christmas going? It's going pretty good, just down here at the market trying to pick up, you know, a fancy burger or... Wow. ...maybe something for the stocking. Yeah, what kind of stuff, what have you bought today already?
I've just bought, I've bought a keychain that, it's a pentagram, but I've been told that when it's upside down, it's bad, but they never told me which one was which. Right, yeah, I've heard about, I've heard about those. But it's, it's green and red, so I think it's Christmasy. Keep it, keep it north, keep it north. North? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a compass? No, keep it north. It's a star in a circle? Trust me, I'm being real right now. North? Yeah. Do I stand north?
Yeah. So I just always have to stand north when I'm wearing it? You know, you could attach it to a compass and that way it will always face north as well, or even just right north on it. What if I put it north on the bottom one? I'm going to go check out someone else. Welcome back to Dunbracken. Ho ho, hello there. Oh, hi, Santa. Hello. It's been a while, nearly a year. Would you like to, you're quite large, would you like to sit on my, you're not a child?
You see, this is what I wanted to talk about. Is it just children that you give presents to? No, no, I give presents to anyone who sits in my lap. Okay, so I do have to sit in your lap. You do, that is by, it's the requirement of the contract. Let me just put this foldable chair to the side. Okay. I just thought it might be too heavy, you do. No, no, I take the brunt of anyone. Okay, it's just you don't seem like you work out. Oh, under this?
But if you need a referral, I've got like a guest pass. No, no, I'm good. I have done many a leg day. Okay, okay. And here I go. You all right there? Yeah. Sure, you don't want me? What about if I like crouch and put a bit of the weight off you? No, you can't give your present. We both have to get through it. Don't worry kids. Oh, oh, oh. All right, could you ask the kids to eavesdrop? Kids, take a step back. Elves, elves, look after that. Okay, yeah, okay. Push that one back.
Push them back behind the light. There we go. Okay. Thanks for that. Those kids have been irritating. They've been mocking me in line. Why? Oh, because you're an adult in the line? No, no, that's just because I've been teasing them too. Oh, okay. Fair enough. You got to take what you give, you know? I don't agree with that at all. Oh, sorry. Well, I'm Santa. Yeah, you give a lot. I just give out. Yeah, so if you take after me, if you give after me. Oh, this is confusing.
Can unduly find ourselves in. What would you like for Christmas? Okay, so about that. Do I need to be good in proportion to the present? No, as long as you cross the threshold for good. Okay, so it's pass fail. It's pass fail, yeah. Now what is something that would cause someone to fail? Something that would cause money to fail. Lying to your parents. Lying to loved ones. Define loved ones. Anyone who loves you. Okay, so if they love me, their loved one, even if I don't love them back.
Yes, that's how you. Okay, that's rough for me too. Oh, I'm sorry. It's pass fail. It sounds like I failed already, to be honest. I've lied to my parents. I've lied to those that love me. But have you done anything good? Because you can still balance it out. I increased my property portfolio. Oh wow, and have you used that money to help anyone? One person. Oh, brilliant. Lovely. That is good, right? Yeah, that's very good. You got to help out others. I didn't say others.
I said I helped out one person. Okay, okay. Don't put words in my mouth. I don't need you to contribute. Sorry, of course. I feel like a lot of lies are just people not paying attention to me. That's fair. Yep. By omission or by addition, I guess. Yeah, addition and omission. By that, yeah, you know, that's a good point. There are people making assumptions. Maybe I haven't lied to my parents. Maybe they're just hopeful. Oh, good.
If you think you haven't, then you probably haven't because I can't watch. I really think I have. Okay. But if you bring them here, we can get to the bottom of this. But that's not the only thing. You can lie as much as you want. Ultimately, you just have to be better good than you are bad. It's a pass feel system. If you do one bad thing, you do one and a half good things. Well, here's what I'm thinking. If I slip you a 20. Helping out others.
Maybe you could shift my name to the other side of the list. Certainly. And I could get that Rolex. That's a 20p. Yeah. Okay. What do you need money for? It's about the gesture. Okay. Here's 20p and my business card. If you need that guest pass to the gym or a man to help help you get in touch with a good accountant, a creative one. That would be useful for me. In exchange, if you could get me that Rolex. I can get you that Rolex. In the meantime, would you like a Lego set? That'd be great.
That'd be great. I would love that. Yeah. This is, I don't know which one it is. You can open it now if you want, but you don't have to. Oh, have you got a collection of them? Yeah. There's a load of them. Would you like one of each? Yeah. Well, yeah, this one has. Yeah, we'll just leave them in the sack. I'll take the sack. You can take this. Okay. Yeah. Are you sure you don't want to leave any for the kids? No. Oh, okay. Well, you gave me the 20p. I am honored. I have my business card.
A hundred business card. Try to fold that. It's very sharp. Okay. Thanks. Oh, thank you for getting off me. Oh, no, no, no problem. I'll see you later. See you. Goodbye. So do we get to cut our own trees or do you do it for us? Oh, I'll cut the tree. Hmm. What? How are your cuts? I'm not sure if I can even cut because I've bought some badly cut trees before. It won't be burned twice. Were they bought from me? No. Can I see one you've done before? I'll show you one right now. Please do.
Let me grab my axe here. Oh, that's a good axe. You think that's a good axe? I think it's a pretty good axe. That's the starter axe. Yeah, that's a great starter axe. Okay. Be specific. You're using manual axe. Whenever I go to a Christmas tree farm and I see a chainsaw, I just want to burn the whole place down. You can tell the arms. I have and I haven't bought a tree there. I just want to make sure I don't burn the whole place down. I'm going to use the axe.
Sometimes I don't even get a look around. They just see me come up with my axe and tell me to leave, but not you. I feel like I could trust you. You can trust me. All right. I want to see this cut. Usually I start with one light swing to make a small indentation in the tree. That will be my mark for the future cuts. That's a good method. Love that. So there's one. And now I move on to the medium axe. Do you think that's a good axe? I'll be honest. It seems like it's a bit of a large one to me.
I feel like a medium axe you sort of want to be able to hold with that one hand, but just about. That's what most people would only be able to do, but I can do this. Really. Look at me. I wouldn't lie to you. I haven't broken any contacts since we've met. Don't judge so quick. I'm here to be proven wrong. Daryl, don't do it. You know what they said. You know what could happen if you do it with this axe again. I'll do it again. You're our best cutter. We can't risk losing you with the medium axe.
You're supposed to start the cut for people. You're not supposed to continue anymore. You're tendons, Daryl. You're tendons. What's the point in just making one cut if you can't follow through? Our other workers will follow through for you. You started perfectly, but you can't keep going like this. Don't take us in dependence from him. The doctor did. Look, I'm not going to make eye contact with you because I'm focusing on... I understand.
... but why would you want to go through life not being able to cut down Christmas trees? He cut so many down. He set the record in this lot and it caught up with him. I don't want someone else to take that from me. I have to keep going. I don't care what the doctor said. Do you know what I did? I cut down his front door and I woke him up in the middle of the night and said, think I wouldn't be able to do that. You think I'd stop. This is why I think I can trust you. You're a man of ambition.
It was a metal door. Use a metal axe for that. Or use a wooden axe. Use the wooden axe. And the blade itself was wooden as well. Wow, you're once in a lifetime woodcutter. Which is why we can't squander your gift. You're squandering his gift by not letting him cut. No, he cuts the first perfect cut. Anyone can do that. Not to this level, but still, it can't... If I cut enough trees this year, they will last for the rest of time. But you will, darl, you will... His legacy will outlive him.
Thank you. Don't make yourself a martyr. You will forget about Christmas, but there will still be trees he's cut down. Your shoulders will flop into your sternum. I don't want to be alive to see other people cut down trees at such a meager... Well, in such a meager way. Yeah, you know what? You've inspired me. Well, don't you be cutting down trees. No, no, I'm gonna throw my axe away as soon as I leave here. I can't measure up to this. What? No! Stop putting more load onto darl's weak shoulders.
They're not weak, they're mighty like fours. Yes, they're mighty, but... Mighty like the trees themselves. The doctor said... He could cut down the world tree itself. He couldn't cut down Yggdrasil. Unbroken eye contact makes me think that you're telling the truth. I feel like, I don't know, we are soulbeacons in my hands. I've never had someone assist me before, but if you would put your hands on mine, we can swing together. Help him. No, you have to do this. No, you have to help him.
If I help him, I'm taking away his independence, I'm taking away his spirit, and if it will be lesser cut, I cannot return to the office with a tree that has a lesser cut. The tree needs to be perfect. I will do the swinging. Don't do it, darl. I will do the swinging, but let you feel the force. Please. I feel like I can even with the axe still, I can still feel the force. We need you after the tree. Manskin, please, let him do it. Let me do it. I don't know what we'll be without darl.
Look at me, Manskin. Unbroken eye contact now. What are your eyes doing, that darl? You need precision, vision whenever you're making cuts into a tree. Make sure it lines up. Okay. If your mind's made up, I'll let you go. We'll probably lose the lot, but if this is what you want. Guess what? The braken needs. I think so too. Plant a tree in my honor if I am to fall. But who would cut it? That's the point, it will live on forever. Oh. No one will be able to cut that down. Cut down that tree.
Cut the tree, darl. Be one. Just blow on my axe for one second. Stop making eye contact with him. No. Look me in the eyes. Let this moment. Let the swing begin. Oh my god, that was perfect. It's cutting straight through it. That was perfect proportion. Darl, stop. I can't believe you're doing this. The men of the Abator is gonna love this tree. Goodbye darl. Okay, I wish I hadn't made eye contact for that. That's part. Oh. Ho ho ho. Hi. Hello, come in, come in.
Okay. Would you like to sit on my knee? Ho ho ho. Is that necessary? It is, yes. Everyone has to sit. Everyone who wants a toy must sit. That's um. I like the rules. That's what I'm here to discuss with you, Santa. Okay. Um, may I take a seat? This folding chair or my knee? If I can take the folding chair, I think it gives me a better strength of argument. Okay, but understand that unless your argument is very good, you may not get a toy. Okay, I will briefly sit on your knee.
Okay. And then I will resume my piece from the folding chair. Does that work? That's true. It does not dictate a time. You can, you can just pop on and off. Okay. One, two, three. Okay, that's enough. And we're done. Yeah. Here's a toy. No, no, Santa. I was going to negotiate. Okay. I thought I was coming here to be able to ask what I wanted for Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yes. But in the meantime, I give you something as a holdover until you get it. Oh, oh, okay.
I can't just apparate what you want here and now. I give you something in the spirit of have this Lego set, this coloring book, this Ken doll, waiting for the moment that I strike in your home and deliver the real present. Sorry. Very aggressive. We use military terms in the North Pole. No, that's okay. Um, no, I've saw some logistics, um, and I'm aware that they're, my toy that I want is on the shopping center, um, location already. Oh. It's in the used car lot. Oh no. What do you mean oh no?
It's a toy. It's just, it's harder for me to, if it's already pre-loved, I have to barter. I have to try and negotiate. Usually I prefer to just- Okay. I was doing it to consider your budget, Santa. I can go for a brand new Ford Fiesta then. Honestly, that makes life easier for me because it's less of a hassle and less of a haggle. Can I have a magenta one? I could mix red and- See, this is why I was going for the used car lot. Oh, okay. My 2009 model is magenta. Okay, fine.
If you want me to spend a few hours of my time because that Rudy down at that lot is a difficult salesman. If you just try and buy a brand new car, he's like, cool, snap, here's the keys. But if you go used car, he's like, I'm gonna work this fat lump of coal. Santa, I've been so good this year and I've run the costs and I've come to this all with all this planned. My mom would really appreciate the car. But you didn't think of Santa Claus, did you? No, I did think of you, Santa.
I just didn't know that you would have a falling out with the guy that worked in the used car lot. It's not a falling out. It's just one master negotiator against me, a jolly old sport. Well, I can go with you. Okay. I can bring the folding chair. I think that really helped my case here. Okay, well, if you come with me, I can't leave right now, but my shift ends at 630. So you want to meet me at 630. At 630. When you're not working anymore. When I'm not working anymore. I'll still be Santa.
But is Santa not always working? I am, but then another... Uh, well, I have to go for dinner, but I could go... Are we... No. No, child. Santa? Are you asking me for dinner in the food court? No, I'm saying that I'm going to forgo my dinner to get you your gift. But my time finishes at 630, and then I can get you the magenta 2009. Santa, if... Do you see how quickly I caved in this entire negotiation? Rudy is going to take me for all we're both worth. At the moment, to be honest, Santa.
Don't you say it. Don't you dare say it. I'm just saying I don't think you're that great a negotiator. You caved. Fuck you, little child. Do you know how hard I work 12 days of the year? Santa, I don't mean to... This is a really warm suit. Yeah, and I don't mean to do this to you and humiliate you like this, but I'm trying to keep the magic alive for the other children in the queue. The magic's still alive. No one's listening. The door's closed. It's just me and you and me. It always has been.
Me, you, and the folding chair. Me, you, and the folding chair. And a Ford Fiesta from 2009. Magenta, yes. I'll meet you at 630. A diesel, ideally. A diesel? Jesus Christ, Rudy's gonna kill me. Oh, wow. You can see everyone's down and they've moved the local bar down to the market. Oh, look who we've got here, ladies and gentlemen. It's the big man himself. What would you like for Christmas, young boy? Stop it. You know who I am.
I've got everything I need, but since you're asking, I'll come and take a seat. What would I like? You sound lighter on the radio. Sorry. That's so nice of you to say, I think. What would I like? I think I want all the Dumbraken 105.7 listeners to have a nice Christmas. That's what I want for Christmas. I can give you this Lego set. Yeah, I'll take a Lego set as well. Great. I might skip the queue. Hey, it's... do you not know who I am? It's me, Roger, from Dumbraken 105.7.
Don't worry, little child. Here's a lesson in capitalism. Celebrities can skip the queue. Oh, is that fair? Was this the last Lego set as well? It was. I mean, we've been in this queue for 45 minutes and it's freezing out here. Oh, don't I know it. Daddy, I really wanted the Lego set. All right, all right, I mean, Roger, I wasn't going to... say anything because I'm a big fan, but it's like any chance you could just give him the Lego set there so he can go and get inside.
I think that goes against the spirit of Christmas. Daddy, I really want it. You skipped us. I think that's against the spirit of humanity. Santa gave me the Lego set. He didn't... would you have given this child the Lego set if he had sat on your lap first? That's being bad. It depends, child. What would you like for Christmas? I want a Lego set. I just... we've been through this. I just gave the last one away. But he's not even a kid. He's a grown up.
You think I don't deserve to be happy with my Lego set? He wished for goodwill for you, little boy. Who? Ashley, my son's not allowed to listen to your show, Roger. Excuse me? Some of the themes that you bring up on that radio show aren't just not suitable for general. We talk about real stuff on Dunbracken 105.7. We talk about the real problems that are affecting this town day to day. I really want a Lego set. Cover your ears there. Cover your ears there, Timmy. Go on.
You talk about reading a tome that was written on human skin. Yeah. I'm not having my son listen to that. And please, if you don't want me to raise a fuss here, can you just give him the Lego set? I will not give him the Lego set. You didn't even want it. I want it now. That's okay. That's valid. Adults change their minds too, you know? Your son has to learn about the realities of the world. Isn't that right, Santa? That's true. Ho ho ho. You can't just spoon feed him like the normalities.
This isn't a normal place, you know? He needs to know the truth. Oh, that man's being dragged away by shadow people. Exactly. Exactly. Daddy, daddy! And they also took the son. Oh no. And it's one of the Lego sets! And it's one of the Lego sets! That's so cold. Oh no, that was security. Sorry. My bad. Ho ho ho. They changed up all the outfits for the security people this year. They did? Yeah, they're all fully wearing black now. Roger! Yes? Would you like the gift I was going to give that child?
Oh my god. Another gift? Here's a Ken doll. Ho ho ho. I can't even carry all these gifts. This is a great day for me. Merry Christmas, Roger. Thank you, Santa. Let's go and have another look around the market, shall we? Oh, the bar! The bar! Roger, Roger, Roger. Yes? Oh, hello. Roger, don't you recognize me? Roger, it's us. Hey, what's up? Hey. Roger, you're out of the booth. Yeah. We heard your voice. We recognized the voice. We heard your voice, man.
I didn't know it was your car, but then when I seen the license plate, I was like, it's gotta be him. He's gotta be out. You're the guys that have been sending the letters. Oh my god, he knows us! We have ideas. We have ideas. We have so many ideas. Okay. You put us on and we spell the beans. We have so many beans to spell. Right. This is a little much. Look, if you want to get in contact with my agent, we can... They're the one dealing with your emails and the letters.
Your voice is like silk of a spider. That's very nice of you to say. Thank you so much. I'm so glad. Look, how about... I'm like a black widow spider that kills anyone it lays with. I could be a tarantula for you. If you want, I could crawl all over your body. You could take our heads after you're done with us. It would be an honor. I have two gifts that I don't really care about too much if I give them to you. Oh my god. Will you leave me alone? Roger's gift. Roger's gift. Roger's gift.
Roger's gift. Just take those. Take those and I'm leaving. I'm running away. Roger's gift. Oh my god. Roger's gift. You're giving those gifts to him too? Creeps? Get away from me, you creeps. What about my son? I don't care. Just play a song. Just play a song. Any song. I don't care. Just even that crap that Mr. Build you sent in. Just play a song. Okay. Let's go. Alright now. I'm just at the mall sorting my Christmas list. When a spy Lego said I could hide underneath my vest.
Or I think, hey, better yeah, look at the para knives on display. I could stab myself in the chest to see just how much pain I can take. Christmas is a time for joy. It's a time for family. But not for everyone. No one about little, little old me. Christmas with my dogs. I'm spending Christmas with my intros of thoughts. Oh, you're never truly alone. Baby spend all of your time with a Christmas tree and intrusive thoughts. Of your own. Of your own. Look at that baby. Look at that baby.
Look at that baby. Look at that baby. Look at that baby. Look at that baby. Look at that baby. They're so smug, unaware. That I could punt it really far if I ever did. To be clear, I'm not gonna do that. It's just an intrusive thought in my mind. I won't act on them. I swear I'm kind. It's Christmas with my dogs. I'm spending Christmas with my intrusive thoughts. Christmas with my thoughts. I'm spending Christmas with my intrusive thoughts. Christmas with my thoughts.
Oh, you're never truly alone. With intrusive thoughts of your own. I know I'll never be lonely. I have something else to hold me. Something to keep me warm. When the fire in my heart has gone. Home. Home. Well, that was Mr. Mildew, the local biology teacher with what he thought could be Dumbraken's Christmas number one. Okay. Sorry, sir. Should we have stepped in there as your bodyguards? Was that a... No, that's great content, guys. Thank you. Thank you for not intervening.
That was good. That was good. I think that's going to be really good on there. Thank you. I need a drink. I think let's say we go to the bar now and we'll get something going. Sure. Great. Yeah. Drinks on me, guys. Sweet. Let's just do something that I've never done on Dumbraken 1.0 5.7. Let's have a chat with the crew. Okay. So the... I understand lights are going to turn on, but why did they turn off all the streetlamps? We only have the one plug. Okay, we only have the one plug.
Please don't be so negative this Christmas. It's just we have limited resources. We try our best. Whenever it plugs in, the streetlights are going to turn on as well as all the Christmas lights? No, it's one or the other. I mean, it's closed off the cars anyway because we have all the stalls. Okay, yeah, no, sorry. That's why I asked us all to wear these high-vis jackets. That's why you asked us to bring torches, right? Yeah. Okay. No, okay.
I've worked hard on it, but I'm not confident they're going to be bright enough. I think that's understandable. Was it just you? Yep, just me and this 12-foot tree and a four-foot ladder. I've worked very hard on this here. I never noticed you out during the day. I need to see what it looks like when they're turned off. You've been doing all that? Wow. I've been working on this since November. I'm glad you came out though. This means a lot to me.
Yeah, well, you put in a lot of work and kept talking about it after church. Yeah, they wouldn't let me talk about it during. That's fair enough, yeah. I think that's fair. That's God's time. Sigh. Hey. You came too. Yeah, I was trying to call you. What's up, Joe? Yeah, you snuck up on us. You didn't wear the high-vis jacket. I don't think we're going to be able to afford the lights. Just with the amount of electricity that the surge, I don't think we're going to be able to afford it.
I can think of some other things we can turn off. We're not doing the hospital. OK, I suggest that one time was a joke. You seemed pretty dead set. You put it into your GPA. I spent more time at a hospital than anyone else. You were like, let's go in to see how many of these machines are being used. And then you claimed it was a joke. It was academic curiosity. And I spent more time at a hospital than anyone else, so I obviously have a vested interest in it.
That's because you were going around pressing a lot of the switches to see what turned off and on. When they're not in use, though. That family's not the same after that. Look, he was so still, I thought. I didn't realize that he was still using the X-ray machine. Yeah, in fairness, I kind of thought the same. Look, no. OK, what I'm saying, though, is the inside of City Hall, it's not at use this day. We can shut all that off. But the mayor's tanning bed. Oh, yeah, he won't let anyone near that.
Can he not use the tanning salon just for Christmas? And be seen by the constituents now? Well, we can close it off to the general public. Half of the general public doesn't believe he is mayor. Do you think he's going to come and talk to them? OK, what can we ask him to tan during the day? It's a 24-hour job. Oh, OK. Like a rotisserie chicken. OK, how about this? The hospital's saying, Dave got sunlight treatments. Dad will tan you. He could just go to the hospital.
Does that part off? That's not essential. It'll leave you tanned. Do you want to speak to the mayor about that? Good luck. I haven't been able to get a meeting. I keep trying to get funding for more Christmas lights. Just... This is important to me. What about the Nativity? We could just... No, it completes the look. Look, the church is angry with me as it is. If I turn off the lights on the Nativity... Fair enough.
Thought it would be no... Look, I considered it, but I went to the hospital first. It wasn't a joke. I'm sorry. But I've decided against it. I just thought there would be more non-essential things in separate circuits. And before you ask, I'm not going to suggest we use a backup generator. Again? No. I understand it's for emergencies. Look, OK, I didn't really want to say this, but what about my house? I don't know if that would be enough.
What are you running at your house that we could turn off the electricity and provide enough for the lights? What are you doing, Si? He still has the coma patient in his house. Oh my god. Si? No, he's not willing to give up on him. It's just... No, he's dead. There's a beat. Oh, is there? It's been a while since I've been around. Yeah, no, there's still a beat. I just assumed it was done for him. Well, I was going to suggest we move him to the hospital first, given that it's going to stay on.
I just asked them to take him back as a Christmas miracle. So what, would you put him in the car and give power through, like, the cigarette lighter? No, no, he's fine for up to 27 minutes. Tried and tested. We have a lot of power surges at my home. And you've tried it with him? Oh my god, that poor man. No, okay, we know after 27 minutes he's still all right, but then the power came back on. I'm glad he's in a coma so he's not having to experience this. How dare you?
None of us want him in a coma. No, but I don't think this is helping his situation. Of course it's not. Mr. Kingsley was the biggest fan of all the Christmas lights. We know that. Yes. He would happily risk his life to get it. I can't, no, we're bringing him to the hospital first. Yeah, but any... Okay, let me be very clear. I don't want to turn off any life-saving equipment. For more than 27 minutes. Well, the assumption is we get him to new life-saving equipment. In time, yeah.
If you think you can do that. I wouldn't need ambulance support here. I know he got kicked out of the hospital, but come on. He's in a coma now. It feels petty. I've done so much for this town for this Christmas. All I ask is that my uncle can go back to the hospital. So that the lights can get turned off. Or that the mayor turns off his town. One or the other. Hopefully we have better chance with the uncle. I think so. Sure. Call him on Blocks. Thank you for listening.
The second part of Christmas in Dunbracken will be available Thursday the 21st of December.