Although we've come to the end of the road, I have no problem letting go. The Zachelor is finally over and the ending was not surprising. But what about those Jess rumors ?? Look, I'm just trying to think of something to write, I fucked my back up at the gym. I mean, I'm not any more stoned than usual, I just want to lay down, ok? This episode of Bachelor Massacre covers all sorts of territory, from the cruelty of this season to trusting your gut to brow lamination . And best of all, for the fir...
Mar 30, 2023•1 hr 2 min•Season 2Ep. 12
Zach Shallcross is a lucky man. But he is not a smart one. At the very least, he is easily influenced. So it was disappointing to see how royally he ruined Fantasy Suites aka Sex Week by not trusting the process on a show that is CONSTANTLY reminding its participants to trust the process . We all saw what happened with Clayton ( "the worst Bachelor ever" according to some ) and it is understandable that Zach wanted to avoid the drama associated with it, but it was not so much what Clayton DID bu...
Mar 22, 2023•46 min•Season 2Ep. 11
On the last season of Bachelor Massacre, I referred to the Women Tell All as "Week 9" even though it was in the same week as Week 8. Then I called Fantasy Suites "Week 10" ... Was I right? Was I wrong? Does it matter? Ask someone who isn't a Virgo. This season's WTA was pretty standard though it did have some dope moments, from Jess 's surprising confidence in the hot seat to Greer 's seemingly genuine apology to a twerk-filled blooper reel (were those just pre-bloopers or what? Gave *me* some p...
Mar 16, 2023•39 min•Season 2Ep. 10
Zach is not a hometown hero. He's not really even a hometown homey. If anything, he's hometown hopeless. This is the episode where Zach finally strips away any last shred of respect I may have had for him. Fuck you, Zach. Go home and leave these women to me. The final four women of this season prove, yet again, to be more interesting, emotional, and intelligent than our lead. And Zach proves, yet again, that not only does he have no poker face, he also has no balls, no communication skills, and ...
Mar 15, 2023•40 min•Season 2Ep. 9
Welcome to Budapest, Hungary! The land of paprika and porn and palacsinta. My literal motherland, if only in the sense that my mother was born and raised there. It is indeed a great place to fall in love, certainly more than Tallinn, Estonia. Don't @ me. As my co-host Scotty Boombox points out, this episode is filled with cruelty. From a torturous "mentalist" date (aka group therapy disguised as a magic show) to Greer getting sent home after being led on by the entire production staff, this one ...
Mar 14, 2023•51 min•Season 2Ep. 8
You know you're living in 2023 when you are watching people named Brooklyn and Kat fighting about disrespecting Charity as Ariel and Gabi look on. In my day it would have been Jessica and Irene going at it over Rebecca while Jill and Ashley watch. In this episode my co-host Mandy talks about the movie Encino Man and how there is some connection to Estonia , our setting for Week 6 of The Zachelor. Well, shame on me for thinking she was kinda pulling that out of her ass, because it turns out they ...
Mar 06, 2023•40 min•Season 2Ep. 7
I fucked up. I never should have made the first episode of Bachelor Massacre Season 2 a two-parter. Now we are on Episode 6 of the podcast but Week 5 of the show, and it is going to mess with me for the rest of this Zachelor season, I just know it. Aaarrghghhh *clenches teeth* This was the worst episode of the season so far, whilst having what was probably the best one-on-one doe. Gabi got the highly coveted Pretty Woman date much to her absolute delight (and the absolute MIND FUCK of all the la...
Feb 23, 2023•49 min•Season 2Ep. 6
PLEASE RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE!! We've been working extra hard over here at Bachelor Massacre and Sparse Mansion Media and we really need your help to keep this going. Everyone involved in this show is really busy outside of podcasting and we don't have a ton of time to dive into promotion and "influencing" so if you do listen to the show or are just a fan of Bachelor Nation in general, please take a minute to rate and/or review Bachelor Massacre so the algorithm will help get us out there and g...
Feb 16, 2023•53 min•Season 2Ep. 5
An overnight, love takes flight, an oversight, sho you right. Let's just address the elephant in the room: no recapper wants to release an episode critique after the NEXT episode has already dropped. But like Ferris Bueller said, life moves pretty fast. And sometimes things come up that are more important than editing your pop culture podcast. So here we are, almost a week late. But as Martin Payne said, so goes the salmon. This episode features the fifth(!) installment of the Bachelor Bowl , wh...
Feb 14, 2023•52 min•Season 2Ep. 4
If I ever were to get into the beverage game, I'd start with a Bang -esque masterpiece and call it "Bad Bitch Energy". Welcome to Week 2 of The Zachelor, and I gotta say, Zach is still boring but at least he was kinda sorta cool this episode (not to be confused with crazy sexy cool, which he is not). At least in parts. Please ignore this statement re: anytime he is even close to immaculate guest star Latto . After a one-on-one date with Christina, Zach literally makes out with everyone in the ho...
Feb 02, 2023•48 min•Season 2Ep. 3
Zach is neither a snack nor a mack: discuss. Welcome back to the Bachelor Mansion, folks! It's time for another set of arrivals turned rivals, hot messes in dresses, and tears for fears. Season 27 of The Bachelor is finally here and our lead this year is (surprise!) a boring white bro grown in a petri dish using Jesse Palmer's DNA and a dab of hair gel. Zach Shallcross's journey has begun and I wish his last name didn't end in an "s" like Matt James because this means a whole 'nother season of a...
Jan 26, 2023•43 min•Season 2Ep. 2
Cue up I Know You Got Soul or at the very least Try Again .... Bachelor Massacre is BACK. How we made it this long without talking some more shit is anyone's guess. From Clayton's total misfire to Gabby and Rachel's disaster of a season, we have missed out on some great drama worth commenting on. This time around J Waves will be taking on the hosting duties, Amanda aka MandySays will be on socials, and special guests will round out the panel (including Mandy herself and regular J Waves collabora...
Jan 26, 2023•36 min•Season 2Ep. 1
*sigh* *SIGH* *SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH* Was that me or Matt James? Who knows anymore, the sighs all blend together. This episode of After The Final Rose was fucking depressing and maybe this episode of Bachelor Massacre is too. We prolly talk more about race stuff than love stuff but that is the season that we were dealt. And perhaps that is a good thing in a way. You be the judge! I'm just trying to stay out of court. Shout out Emmanuel Acho for taking the reigns, asking the tough questions, wearing a...
Mar 17, 2021•36 min•Season 1Ep. 12
When they said this season was going to be "groundbreaking" I didn't think they meant that it would make me want to break a hole in the ground and crawl into it. Ooof. Amanda and I were really rooting for Matt James in the beginning of this season but he turned out to be yet another man-child scared of commitment, at least, if that's what his mom wants him to be. He often expressed how much he cared about "the women" on his season but mostly just told them what they wanted to hear and thanked th...
Mar 17, 2021•32 min•Season 1Ep. 11
Dang! I miss the days of just talking about what a bitch Queen Victoria was . Now we actually have to deal with some serious emotions as things get very real for all the contestants and even Matt himself. Say what you will about this season's Bachelor, but the scene with his dad was legit moving and if you didn't get in your feelings over it YOU HAVE NO SOUL. We are down to 3 women: Rachael (sexy and simple), Michelle (athletic and awesome), and Bri (the beautiful boss). All of them are in love ...
Mar 10, 2021•54 min•Season 1Ep. 10
I'm too tired to write a witty description of this episode but let's just say that The Women Tell All was a bit ho-hum seeming. I would have preferred a darker shade of lipstick on Serena C, but that's just me. Mandy would have liked to have seen a dang oil treatment on MJ's hair because that shit looked brittle, which I think is how I like blonde hair since I am attracted to farmers, and subsequently, hay. MJ could never be a farmer though because she is afraid of chickens and eggs. Mari really...
Mar 04, 2021•44 min•Season 1Ep. 9
Hey all. J Waves here. Last week was a mess as far as getting this show done. Monday night I was hit with an epic case of strep throat and my tonsils looked like scorched earth with gravel and scabs poured on it. 8 edibles, 6 pain pills, half a bottle of "severe" NyQuil, and some Amoxicillin later, I am doing much better. But in the brief window between Hometowns and The Women Tell All, Mandy had a birthday which she needed to celebrate all weekend long. So last night, before recording our TWTA ...
Mar 03, 2021•19 min•Season 1Ep. 8
OOF. A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN BACHELOR NATION SINCE OUR LAST EPISODE. I highly doubt you fux with this podcast and don't know what has been going on, but just in case: Matt James favorite Rachael Kirkconnell found herself facing accusations of racism when the tasteless behavior of her past was revealed, including apparently bullying a friend for liking Black guys and DEFINITELY getting her "plantation vibes" on at an Antebellum-themed Old South party thrown by a frat whose members regularly beat of...
Feb 19, 2021•50 min•Season 1Ep. 7
Waves here. You know that feeling when you start doing a podcast on a totally different podcast but then it no longer makes sense to keep doing it that way so you make it its own podcast? Cause that's, like, totally what happened here. What started out as a bonus feature on my podcast Lurk Mode has become it's own ting-a-ling. So if you've been riding with me and MandySays since then or you are just discovering us, we're glad you're listening to the "brand new" Bachelor Massacre podcast. This wa...
Feb 11, 2021•57 min•Season 1Ep. 6
Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode . --------------- The moment we have all been waiting for has finally arrived: "The Queen" is finally dethroned and YOU LOVE TO SEE IT . Good fucking riddance. It's really a shame because I feel like the majority of what me and MandySays have talked about is how much she sucks. Literally, for 5 episodes. Main topic. But it's all good cause now we can move on to other things like MJ's ...
Feb 10, 2021•51 min•Season 1Ep. 5
Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode . --------------- UGGGGGH making a podcast is exhausting, y'all. Me and MandySays watch The Bachelor on Tuesday night, then do the podcast, and then I get up at the crack and edit 4 eva while simultaneously trying to buy stocks and make smoothies and clean my sneakers and all the other shit I do in the morning. I know a lot of you podcasters are doing your mixes "quick and dirty" but ...
Feb 10, 2021•40 min•Season 1Ep. 4
Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode . --------------- I hope Bachelor contestant Sarah Trott has been staying hydrated because the amount of tears she shed this weak was torrential. Yet even as I write this I am finding out that she had been hanging with G-Eazy before going on the show, so no wonder she was depressed. Wack rappers will do a number on your nervous system. You can't even be in the same room with them, the...
Feb 10, 2021•46 min•Season 1Ep. 3
Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode . --------------- So this week on The (Quarantined) Bachelor there aren't a lot surprises as far as format but questions are indeed raised, mainly WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH VICTORIA? Is she a producer plant ? We don't really debate the plant concept though we do make it clear that something smells fishy like the time I left a doggy bag of leftover salmon and lentils in the b...
Feb 10, 2021•39 min•Season 1Ep. 2
Welcome to Bachelor Massacre! This episode originally appeared as bonus content on the J Waves podcast Lurk Mode . --------------- As they say in the clock industry, timing is everything. So we are going to wait one more day to post our official first episode because (insert air horns) it's officially BACHELOR SEASON and boy do we got a hot one. Oh, what, you didn't know I was a part of Bachelor Nation ? You think just because I'm a hard ass rapper I don't fux with a lil reality TV? GTFOH! One o...
Feb 10, 2021•23 min•Season 1Ep. 1
