The Ghosts of Past Traumas w/ Babbles

I had sat down to try to record this probably three or four times and I just couldn't get my thoughts together , like I don't know if you have ever like just if you're overthinker or maybe you are kind of an emotional creature and you just sit and think and you're like man .

This is a really good thought and I really want to share it , because that's what I wanted to do with the podcast , as you all know , and I was like this would be a really good topic because I mentioned that I've been working with me and you , who is an energy healer , life coach and doing all the work , also working with my therapist as well , and just

having like some epiphanies lately of how I am the way I am , or why I am the way I am and why I do things the way I do them , and whenever we learn these things , i think it's very good and inspirational to yourself to be like oh so I'm not just a fuck up , i'm not just doing these things because I want to do them and I want to be an asshole and

start drama . But I wrote it down in my notes section and I'm going to probably read it . So I hope it doesn't sound like I'm reading , if you will , because normally I just have a little bullet points and then I just go off on my tangent switch We'll see , we'll see guys . So , anyways , here we go . So feelings What are they And why do they exist ?

Trying to discuss this topic has been difficult because it requires vulnerability . We've had a podcast where we've talked about vulnerability and you know , i get to choose what I want to share and I get to be vulnerable when I want to be vulnerable . After all , this is my podcast .

But I want this podcast to ultimately mean something , whether it help one person or many , or it just is a therapy session for myself where I can , you know , further grow right . But I'm definitely not a therapist or qualified by any means to sit here and tell anyone how to feel , how to discuss things , how to argue , you know anything like that .

So anything that I say is literally just something . I've thought . I've done the work , i've been doing the work . I'm not completely done . I don't think anyone is ever done when they're working in therapy , or I think there's always room to grow . We're humans , we all make mistakes every day and we learn something new every day . It's really true .

But I wanted to discuss some like , i guess , epiphanies if you would that I've been having something moving through my energy , work and things like that , mostly around feelings , disagreements and like validations . Do we need validations in ourselves ? Should we seek them from other people ? How do we disagree ? How do we argue ? Are feelings good ? Are they bad ?

Kind of like . That's what I wanted to discuss in this podcast today . We all know that everyone grows up in different circumstances . Some people have better circumstances than other . Obviously there are worse circumstances , but ultimately everyone has a story , everyone's different . That's what makes us who we are .

Some stories just shape us how we think , how we feel , how we communicate , how we argue and even how we disagree with other people . But what we don't do is we don't hold space for these disagreements , these arguments , these different way of thoughts , because we don't have room to do that . Or I mean we could if we make space to do that .

But that's something I'm learning to do is making space for other people , making space for their thoughts , their emotions , how they're feeling , instead of just going only with my feelings . And I know that we do that , and I talk mostly about disagreements and arguments , because that's where a lot of passion comes from and a lot of heated debates , if you will .

And I've realized when we're doing that we care mostly about how we feel , right , we care are my feelings hurt ? You're not trying to hurt the other persons , but you're trying to protect yourself . That's like a human mechanism Your brain is trying to ultimately protect yourself .

But we have to go through these things to know how to hold space , to know when to agree , to disagree or whatnot . But going back to like childhood trauma and triggers and things like that and how we kind of shape these thoughts and emotions . I haven't really ever opened up about my childhood .

I have some a little bit on the podcast , but never been like super vulnerable and just disgusted , if you will . But I made a lot of connections with Min Yu and just being very vulnerable with her and telling her how my perception of my childhood was . Now , obviously there was other people involved . That was their perception as well .

But I pinned down some of my childhood trauma that has carried over into my adult life . I was ignored a lot as a child . I was that child that acted out just to get attention , whether that be , you know , screaming or throwing a toy . I remember doing those things just because I couldn't get anyone's attention .

I was told that I was too fat , that I was too ugly for anyone to like in my junior high years by family members , and that's something that carried on over into how I feel about myself now . I know I've discussed that I don't have the best confidence . That's something I'm working on and you know we're not supposed to tell people that we're not confident .

We're supposed to just fake it till we make it . But sometimes I think just being vulnerable and saying where these things come from allow people in and allow people to understand you a little bit more . And you know that is what started in my early childhood years and developed into that .

Like most people have family members that you're like , you're beautiful , you know , even if they're not , that's what the family says , because you know they say you can't be ugly to a family . But hey , my family told me I was . So here we are . I was also physically and verbally abused from ages 10 to 15 by my sister .

She was in and out of trouble a lot , so I don't know if she just thought it was . You know , they say that you hurt the people that you're closest to .

So I don't know if she felt like when she said these things about my looks or my weight , or just even just like being verbally or physically aggressive towards me , if that was because she was acting out because something else was hurting her . We've never really sat down and had a conversation fully about it .

I don't know if either of us are ready to do that , but that happened nonetheless And I was blamed for a lot of family fallouts because when my sister would do these things , like my friend's family would see it and they would tell my mom like you have to do something about this and you know that caused a lot of .

I feel like not ill will , but like resentment , i guess , is the word . Whether that be true or not , that was just my perception at that time of the situation . Not to mention , i also lost my dad at age 10 . I know I mentioned this on like an early podcast , but my dad was very absent , like he wasn't wanting to be a father .

You know , my mom worked several jobs . He would literally not work or stay out at the bars or , you know , cheat on my mom a lot . He refused to marry her . They stayed together 12 years . She really tried to make it work because obviously he was the father of her children , but it ultimately didn't work And when I was 10 , he died .

He passed away from a car wreck And you know I remember I was the , it was Easter weekend and I was supposed to go spend the weekend with him but my sister was in trouble And so I couldn't , or I could have gone , mom , my mom always left it up to us what we wanted to do . She never , you know , tried to sway it either way .

But I was like no , because I really didn't have a good relationship with my father . I was mostly a mother , a mommy's girl if you would , but my sister really was more of a daddy's girl . So I don't know if that's where the conflict came in , i'm sure it was .

But I ultimately said no , my sister's not going , i'm not going , and my last words to him was that I hated him So clearly . That was traumatizing . When the last thing you say to someone is I hate you , you're in a fight and then they pass away the next day .

So with all that kind of like wrapped up , i know that was quick , not a lot of details , but not to give too much detail .

That ultimately is my triggers , you know , of not feeling heard or being misunderstood and not being able to allow like friendships or relationships to end on bad terms , because I was always afraid if they ended on bad terms and something bad would happen the next day . That's just something that was formative in my years of growing up .

I would say that I have a very strong personality , you know , that very opinionated type . But like what ? Like who ? me ? No , not me . But I used to think that people had to think how I thought or we would never agree , get along or be friends .

But through this work that I'm doing in therapy and energy healing , i'm ultimately realizing that we all are going to disagree at some point . That doesn't make either party right or wrong , because everyone has their own perception of situations and feelings on every single situation , just like I was talking about .

You know how my sister , you know , was verbally or physically aggressive to me , her perception of the situation might have been different . She might have been like I'm very hurt , you know , my dad just passed away , you're annoying the shit out of me , and that could be her perception . But my perception was my sister hates me .

So everyone has a perception in their situation and that doesn't make anything right or wrong . That just says like this is why we feel the way we feel , and feelings aren't right or wrong , they just are . They're just feelings . It's how we move through those feelings that ultimately matter . It's how we grow from them .

But we ultimately have to be willing to do the work . We have to sit down and say I mean , hey , and ball means if you're cool with how you are and you don't wanna grow and you don't wanna do anything , that is fine . I'm not saying everyone has to grow and move on and be a different person .

I'm just saying for me , i was tired of like getting in these situations where I was being misunderstood and I wasn't expressing myself in the best way , like , whether it be my tone or my delivery , like ultimately what I was trying to say in any situation was valid and it was a good point , but I just wasn't delivering it in a good manner because of my

trauma , like if I felt like I was being unheard in conversation .

It ultimately led to an argument and it always left the other person confused because they were like I don't know why we're arguing about this , when it was really more like you're not hearing me type situation , like I'm really just trying to get my point across , but it's like hitting a glass wall .

Have you ever had those conversations where you're just like I'm trying to get this point across but it feels like no one is hearing you ? but they are , they're just .

Sometimes people can't relate if they haven't been in this situation or and sometimes that's when you just have to shut the conversation down , validate yourself , know where you're coming from and say , hey , let's just agree to disagree . This conversation isn't going anywhere .

And that's something that I'm learning and something that I don't want to continue happening in friendships or relationships , because it's just not conducive and it's not fun and no one likes feeling like you're always wrong or like you're the person that's always arguing .

So that's why I'm choosing to work through my trauma and feelings and how to communicate more appropriately . That doesn't mean I'm going to be the best communicator ever in life . It doesn't mean I'm going to change overnight , but it does show that I'm trying .

Obviously , i'm 35 , i have 35 years of experience with these behaviors , more of like an anxious attachment style , if you will , and I'm just , i'm just trying to work on it . I'm learning that this anxious attachment style comes from the abandonment that I felt as a child .

I wasn't physically left at a store or anything for someone to find , you know not that I know of , but I was abandoned emotionally , in my opinion . When my sister and I disagreed and my mom , you know it's appeared that she took my sister's side , i ultimately emotionally felt abandoned .

When my dad did , you know , act like he didn't want us , you know , or to be a father . That was abandonment . So , with that being said , i've learned , you know , through other tragedies in life , that life is ultimately short .

Like you know , my dad passed away when I was 10 , my grandma passed away when I was 15 , my uncle passed away when I was in my 20s , and those were my grandma and my uncle were two very important people in my life . I've lost a lot of friends to suicide .

I'm from a very small town where , you know , drugs are involved in , whether it be intentional overdose , you know from suicide or unintentional overdose . I've lost a lot of friends from high school And more recently I had a friend that I used to work with or a co-worker that got diagnosed with a brain tumor And that just really hit me hard .

Because we all know that life is short , we all know that it's not promised or guaranteed tomorrow And I hate that . It just takes tragic events like losing someone or losing a job , falling out with your friends , going through a breakup or a divorce And anything else that's very tragic in your life . It takes you for a moment , for that split moment .

You're like dang , life really is short . But then it's like a couple of days go by and then we just forget that And then we go back to our old habits and we're not trying to make any conscious efforts to change , and I don't know what that is . There's got to be something like scientifically with the brain that makes you not want to do that .

But it's just crazy because literally you could wake up tomorrow and be told like you got 24 hours to live , and then what would you do ? Would you change anything ? Would you want to say anything ? I don't know . This is getting deep and kind of like sad , but it's just true , you know .

But something that I think we can ultimately do is just start taking ownership over our feelings , take responsibility for our trauma and our triggers . It's not someone else's responsibility to know your trauma and your triggers .

It's ultimately your responsibility once you figure them out , because sometimes they're not obvious and sometimes you don't realize what you're doing , but it's once you realize it . If you want to work on it , it's your responsibility to work on it .

Now I do think that if you realize what they are and you're realizing it's happening and you stop , like for me , if I'm having this disagreement with a friend and I realize that we're disagreeing and I stop in the midst of it and go , you know what , i think this has more to do with my trigger and not the actual conversation .

Can we table this for a little bit ? That's maturity , that's growth , you know . So that's just , you know , taking responsibility for your triggers .

We can learn about them , get uncomfortable , have conversations , do the work , whatever work that may be for you , whether that be therapy , reiki , theta healing , hypnotherapy , reading books , talking with friends , listening to a podcast , you know , any of it is fine as long as it works for you .

Like , when I say that I'm working with an energy healer like I know I get some eye rolls , like whatever , but honestly it's been the best experience that I've had . I'm not like I'm not . I don't even care to say that Like I've been in therapy , i'm not saying that therapy has not helped me . I love my therapist .

She has definitely helped me in so many ways .

But doing this energy work and trying to like learn about just trauma , i guess , and how that energy , like suppressed energy , and you really doesn't ever go away , like when , kind of like the example of how we used to all tell men not to cry Well , i haven't , but like if you had a little boy or whatever , like how that was kind of the thing , like that

was kind of the thing , like suck it up , don't cry . And they suppress all these emotions . And then we wonder as adults , like why men can't communicate or why they don't show emotion when it's something that you think they should be emotional about . But I mean , hello , they were told for years like suck it up , don't cry , you're a boy , stay strong .

So that kind of example just makes a lot of sense . When you talk about suppressed emotions and how they just can't work themselves out until you you work them out . You know , i saw a meme on Instagram that read worry about your character , not your reputation .

Your character is who you are and your reputation is who people think you are , and something in that just like struck with me , because it was it kind of summed up everything I've been feeling over the past couple of weeks because I struggled a lot with caring so much what people thought of me And even like when disagreements happened or friendships ended or

anything like that , like especially when I worked in the ER , when I was cold , i seemed heartless , i was called a bitch . You know , like I worried so much what people thought of me because I just knew , like at my core that's not who I was . I know that I'm a very caring person .

I know that sometimes I care more about other people than myself , and you know they say not to do that because you have to take care of yourself , to take care of other people , but at my core I truly care about other people . Like I want the best for everyone . I want everyone to feel happy and joyful And I know it doesn't always .

I don't come off that way , but that if you're like a good friend of mine and you're listening to this , you know that to be true , because I would drop anything to help a friend at any point in time

. So with that you know , like people who knew me never judged the reputation that I had , like whether that be that I was coming off cold , heartless and a bitch to other people but yet going home and crying it not from work , because I was like why do these people think this ? Obviously it's me . I'm portraying it this way .

But why am I portraying it this way ? Why do I have to suppress all my emotions and wear this mask ? because I was scared , i didn't want to be vulnerable . I didn't want people to know that I was very tenderhearted , because if they knew that then I could be hurt . Ultimately that's . No one wants to be hurt , you know .

So most of my friends would tell you that I have a huge heart and I would drop anything to help a friend And that's what matters to me is that my friends know that and that's my character .

So I shouldn't really worry about what people say reputationally about me , because I know that not to be true And my friends know that not to be true , so that's all that matters , right . But I say all of this like I know it's kind of babbling on , you know , here and there .

But I say all of this because recently I felt like I've taken two steps forward and three steps back on my journey of this healing process And I've had a lot of thoughts around that because I had some recent disagreements with friends .

You know that didn't go as well as I thought they should And I didn't stop the conversation in the moment and be like , hey , this is my trigger , you know . But I did realize that afterwards , after talking to my energy healer and life coach , i realized that it was my trigger that was upsetting me and I didn't handle myself in the best situation .

But what I was saying in that moment , in that disagreement , was valid valid to me . But I was wanting them to validate my feelings And I was getting upset that they weren't , because they weren't seeing it from my perception , and that's okay .

And I realized that , like , after talking to her and talking through that situation , i realized I actually have came a lot further because I didn't let that disagreement create like this huge turmoil in my life . I actually realized that the very next day I didn't feel down . I was just like , oh , this is what it is .

And I reached out to my friend and said , when you're ready to talk ? like you know , i'm sorry about how I delivered everything , i'm completely wrong in this situation , not afraid to say I'm wrong when I'm wrong , and I just , you know , realized that we're all doing our best that we can And I was like , okay , so that's growth ?

Like I recognized it Now did I still handle myself poorly . Apps are fucking lately , but I realized it . And that's what matters , because if you realize something , you can change something . And that's where growth happens .

And just in knowing that , like I used to be so afraid of people leaving , and that obviously comes from my abandonment issues But ultimately I think that friendships that are lasting aren't broken by one disagreement . I think true friendships where you care about the other person , i think that growing and maturing is just part of life in a friendship .

You're gonna have disagreements , you might have days where you don't speak , but I think that if you have that you know ability to sit down and talk about it , that you realize that people just don't leave and abandon you by one disagreement And they don't just walk in and out of your life If they truly have pure intentions for you .

They're not trying to just stay around for the benefits . Now , hey , i'm not saying that some people don't . Some people do come in your life just to benefit off of you , but that's not everyone .

And I think that's where I used to put up that shield and become this cold bitch because I didn't want these fake people around me , because I didn't trust my intuition at the time . But I think that the more you grow and the more you mature and the more you trust your intuition , you know who's genuine and who's not . I think you just know that .

But anyways , i'll end it here . I wanted to share some of my journey along the way that kind of has been going on the past couple of weeks and where I am and have somewhat of a more vulnerable podcast opened up and shared a little bit more . I hope it was helpful to some . I hope it wasn't all over the place .

I'm sure it was , but you know me , i'm not going back and listening to this to see if it was . But if you like this episode or any episode that I'm doing , please share it with a friend , share it to your social media or you can go and rate and review the podcast . Hopefully you'll give me a five star review And you can do that on Apple or Spotify .

When you rate or give reviews , it definitely like changes the algorithm and podcasting too . There's obviously algorithms everywhere And it helps the podcast get out to other people . But anyways , guys , thank you so much for listening to this you know babbling nonsense And until next time , as always . Bye .