¶ Getting Back With an Ex
What is up you guys ? Welcome back to another episode of the Babbles Nonsense podcast . We also have Meenu here back today from the host . She is the host of Transcend Into Wellness and we collaborated again on this episode . She came to me asking me if I wanted to do an episode on should you get back with an ex .
It had been a thing coming up with her clients and I was like you know why not ? I'm obviously not a relationship expert by any means , but , um , I was like , yeah , I like to put my two cents where it's not wanted sometimes , let's do it . So we collaborated and it did turn out to be a great episode .
Um , she gives five steps on like thoughts you should put into it before you get back with an ex .
If you are going to get back with an ex , and I'll just go ahead and put it out there and say like always take your own situation at face value , no matter where you're getting your advice whether that be a podcast , a book , tiktok , wherever your friends , your family , even a therapist .
Like , always take advice at face value and know where the advice is coming from and see if it fits your situation and always take from it what fits and throw away what doesn't .
But anyways , let's just go ahead and dive on into the podcast and I think you're really going to enjoy it welcome back , guys , to yet another juicy , interesting episode in transcendcend into Wellness and Babbles Nonsense with my favorite host , jonna .
Welcome back , guys . Yes , I know we promised you a juicy episode this week , so we're just we're going back to back , guys . We're recording many episodes in the same day because we want to keep the flow flowing .
Yes , we do , and I want to just go ahead and mark I did not pick this topic . I mean , you pick this topic , so anybody listening ? This was not my topic of choice . Even though I do typically pick the topics . This was not mine .
Okay . So she's completely let herself off the hook , which is , I think , the smart thing to do for this episode . So what we're going to talk about is getting back together with your ex . Is it a good idea ? Is it a bad idea ?
Or , if you are in this phase of getting back together with your ex , or if you're building on this , if you're thinking about this , what things should you really consider ? So this is going to be so useful . Guys .
If you know anybody that's doing this , go ahead and just hit the send button of this episode to that person so that they can consider all the facts and think through everything and make really good decisions for themselves and save themselves a lot of time and effort and heartbreak .
Okay , and so , before we start , I want to say like everyone has to judge this on their own Like we're just here to give personal experiences and what we've been through and what we've like mean you as a life coach and me as like a personal participant . We just have to give like conversation . This is just conversation .
So you have to do with what we give you on your own free will .
Right , absolutely , and this is also what I'm basing this episode off is actually years of research , years of talking to couples , years of talking to the man and the woman independently , individually , and taking feedback from both and seeing the results right . So I'm giving this from a very professional perspective . So that's what I'm going to talk about .
And Jonna , obviously she has a lot of examples . She , you know , has lifetimes of experiences with her friends , with herself , so she's going to give us a lot of insight on this .
So we're going to talk about , like , the five things that you have to consider if you are really thinking about getting back together with either your ex-husband , ex-girlfriend , ex-boyfriend , any exes , right . And the number one thing , the number one thing is asking is this fantasy or is this reality ? And , jonna , I know you have a lot to say about that .
Right . So I personally and I've said this on previous podcasts like I don't necessarily say I have exes , quote unquote because I've been in a lot of situationships , which is unfortunate for me , because , like , I think and fantasize that they are my relationship , which maybe they are in my own reality , right .
So we have to honestly take a look in a good hard look , because we , like we've mentioned this on podcasts before where menus , like , are you telling yourself a story , like because a lot of people , a lot of times , like , even though in that moment , like you have an argument and your , your arguments and your points are valid , then when you get out of those
arguments and you start missing that person because it's very painful , are you fantasizing that that wasn't real ? Like , are you then turning it into a point like my , my own feelings aren't valid because I miss them so much because the pain has then become more important ?
Wow , that's really good and I think it's also something that I mean . I'm not like bashing women or all women , just a disclaimer Women , I'm a woman , so I'm mostly women .
I'll say mostly women do this . I don't . I don't know a lot of men that do this .
Yeah , exactly , exactly so . Women generally tend to fantasize . Women tend to fantasize and see the potential of how great a person can be . Right , they'll say , oh , he's like this , but oh my God , the potential that he has . I can't even imagine . It's so amazing . In five years he could be this . In three years he could be this .
He could be this kind of a dad . He could be this kind of husband . Yes , guilty , as charged . Exactly , am I saying that it's not possible ? No , I'm saying that it is 100% possible . But I'm also asking you to consider reality instead of fantasy , because fantasy is great to believe and it's easy on the mind , it's easy on the ego .
So we stick with the fantasy and reality is a little bit harsh . So that's why we tend to deviate with the daydreaming version of what we think or the potential of how they should be .
Well , and I also think , like when it comes to potential versus reality cause I'm guilty of doing this like and potential is not bad Like that person truly does have the potential because they show you the potential right . Like they show you glimpses of the potential so you know that they are capable of it .
And I now have come to the realization , like I used to believe , like when people would say if quote unquote if they wanted to , they would . Oh well , that's not necessarily true . Maybe they have childhood trauma , maybe they have this , but no , it is true . If someone truly wanted to do it , they really would .
If they saw you as a partner , they would do the things and you wouldn't have to fantasize about their potential , because they do have the potential to do it . They've shown you the glimpses of their potential so they could do it . So don't sit there and kid yourself and say , well , I've seen it . I don't think want to know that they wanted to .
They would for the right person . That's why , like when you see , like I don't know about y'all , but for me I've been in situations where maybe the next relationship or the next relationship after that , they are that person because it was their person . I'm just not their person , so they didn't want to do it for me , right ?
Right , Exactly , Exactly . That's so beautifully articulated because somebody would be like he didn't do that with me , but he's doing that with her Well guess what ?
I'm not your person Exactly , and I know it's hard to come to that realization because we want to be everyone's fantasy . We want to be everyone's person , but guess what ? The universe and God knows better than you .
And like whether you're spiritual or not , I truly believe , like everything happens for a reason and I truly think that , like we can try to control the situation , but if that is not for us , it will never be for us .
Exactly . I think that's really well said . I think there's so many things to consider about this first point , which is the fantasy of it . All Right . And that brings me to a very important point , which is number two , which is all about scarcity mindset . And this is a real thing and I'm not going to say , oh I'm , I don't have scarcity mindset .
I think everybody that walks the earth have scarcity mindset and at some level , women more than men because of the quote unquote time clock , absolutely the time clock , the biological clock . Oh my God , if you find a man on your 28 , then you can get married by 30 and then finally conceive , and da , da , da , da , da .
If you have a child later and I'm not . This is the thing . I'm not disagreeing with biology here , but I do believe that that is not the way you want to live life , right ?
I really think that should not be the factor in you determining whether you have to be in a relationship or you shouldn't in you determining whether you have to be in a relationship or you shouldn't .
And I will say because I'm reading a book right now , guys , and if you are considering getting back with an ex or if you're just having trouble in love in general . There's a book called Love Life by Matthew Hussey that I've been reading .
That is truly eye opening and he actually talks about this , about the biological clock and women , and he definitely acknowledges that women have more pressure and he actually puts into an example like what if the roles were reversed ? What if men had the pressure ? Would men then call women quote unquote crazy for having this like time pressure on them ?
But he also calls out women and saying , like , if we know that there's this pressure , why are we wasting so much valuable time ?
Right , Right , and there's just so much insight , like what Jonna said , into that book . I'm sure you'll find like so many other things explaining and going into the depth of these things .
But the way I've seen scarcity mindset like with my sessions and with my clients obviously not to name anybody due to confidentiality is that sometimes what happens is like they're like oh , I'm going to give him an , I'm going to give him a chance , even though he's not doing anything that I want him to do , because I have seen , like what Jonna said in the
beginning , glimpses of like good behavior . So I'm going to give this a chance because I really feel like this could be something when I'm ready to get married in two years . I'm like what ? So he's not even qualified right now .
Like he's not even qualified right now and you're talking about him being qualified two years later , when even right now he's not qualified . Like that is true scarcity mindset .
When , even beyond that , like if you're just basically taking bare minimum , like which is something I've just realized like I was taking bare minimum from guys for the longest time , like bare minimum being like a text message takes 30 seconds .
And for someone to tell you that they're busy all day , every day , like I get that people are busy , don't get me wrong . But for someone to say I can't text you for 24 to 48 hours because I'm busy , it takes 30 minutes . That's bare minimum , but you accept it . Because I'm getting older , because no one else
¶ Navigating Love and Dating Mindset
I don't have . This connection with someone else , and that's a point we'll get into . Is connection versus chemistry Like is it truly connection ? Is it truly chemistry ?
Because our mind plays tricks on us when we have that avoidant , anxious attachment style that is a trick in our brain to think that we actually have chemistry when it's really just an anxious attachment style .
Exactly the butterflies you feel in your stomach . That's not love , by the way , guys . It's not love .
I've heard before that butterflies in your stomach actually is a signal to run .
It is , it is and it's . It's actually a stress response . You know that that's almost like your body is , is almost in , like flight or fight , and it's like saying , oh , be on guard . You know like things like that , so watch out for the own signs . Like I said , like this episode is truly based from my professional understanding of how these things work .
So , when there is scarcity , I want you to think about it this way . When , let's say , you are 35 and listening to this episode and you haven't found your man , but you want to get married and have kids , okay , when you are looking or searching for something because of fear , it is never the right decision .
If you are choosing something based out of fear , think about it this way . It's already not based out of love or freedom , it's already . The answer is right in front of you . It's already not there . So , and just reflect on this Anytime you have decided something in the past based on a fear , has it really ended well for you ?
And I can promise , I can bet money on it that it's not Right , and that's scarcity mindset . So do you want to have the scarcity mindset or do you want to have the abundant mindset ? So now maybe you'll ask me Meenu , how do I have an abundant mindset ? Right , and there are some tips and pointers for that is that you just like .
You just like how amazing you are . Maybe you're older and you're listening to this . You have a good heart and you're looking for a man . There are so many good men out there , and if you're a man , again , there are so many good women out there .
There are look around you your friends or friends there are , it's just that you can't see them and you've gotten into a scarcity mindset and now you think you're going to end up alone , so you have to be with your ex-boyfriend not really right ?
So let's scarcity not be a reason for why you're choosing a person or wanting to get , get back together with your ex . That shouldn't be the catalyst , because there are so many people that will come into your existence if you let yourself snap out of that mindset .
You also gave me a good example when I worked with you as a client . We talked about dating and starting dating again , and I was like there's just no good men out there . And you were like you already have this perception , so you're putting it out there . And then you were like , okay , let's take that into an example .
Like you're driving a car and you don't see all the red cars , until I say , hey , when you drive down the street , pick out the red cars . Now you're specifically looking for red cars . So you're looking for it .
Exactly , and that's such a great example . So now I'm going to redirect this to men and women right in this episode and I'm going to give you a fun exercise to do . Okay , just a fun exercise . Let's say this this episode is probably going to release on Wednesday in my podcast and Tuesday on podcast .
So let's say I give you an assignment and say , for the next one week , I want you to take account of every good man If you're a woman , then every good man you come across for the next one week , and I want you to just put their name down in a notepad and you know , and then label the reason next to it and saying why you think they're a good man .
Right , and if you're a man listening to this , I want you to do the same thing anytime you come across a good woman and why she's a good woman . So what you have done right now is you have turned on your abundance frequency in your mind from scarcity . So guess what you find for the next one week .
You're going to find good men and good women and I promise you this exercise works .
I've actually tried it Because you're actively looking for it versus being that doesn't exist .
Yeah . So think about it this way . So , when you're thinking about getting back together with your ex , ask yourself am I truly doing this from an abundant mindset , because I absolutely believe that this person is going to be such a good fit for me ?
Or are you doing it out of a scarcity mindset , because maybe you're older , or maybe not even older , but you have that mindset that there aren't good men outside , right ? So I just want you to think maybe your ex is great , maybe this is great , and then go for it . But I also want you to consider these factors before making that decision , right ?
I'm going to talk about the third one , which is comparison of the thief of joy . Like , literally . It's like like again are you doing this because all your friends are in a relationship and you're not and you feel like a third wheel ? Are you doing this because of social media ?
When you open social media , there's all people that are getting married , popping babies , building houses together . So why are you doing this ? Are you doing this because you don't want to stand out alone ?
You doing this , are you doing this because you don't want to stand out alone , or are you really drawing this out of joy , freedom and alignment , agreed , agreed , right , yeah , and the fourth one and Jonna really brought this to my attention , which is amazing , which is attention is not intention . Do you want to talk about that , jonna ?
Yeah , because this is something I've struggled with in the past and I think it's because of the scarcity mindset . Like we struggle in society with chemistry , right , we think that we have a hard time building chemistry , which is very important , like I'm not knocking chemistry because it is very important .
And with dating apps nowadays , like swiping left and right , like we think that we can initially find chemistry off a picture , which you can't , because sometimes chemistry comes in the form of a laugh or chemistry comes in the form of how you toss your hair or how that person reflects , right , like I've dated people in the past that some would consider unattractive
but and they would have asked me before , like how could you date them ? And I'm like , but to me they're so attractive because of the chemistry that I had meeting them . So I've had trouble in the past with attention versus intention . So I have a podcast .
I talk openly about my past , right , so I like anyone can listen to this and if they want to date me , they can manipulate me based on my past , based on my childhood traumas , because I've openly mentioned it , so someone could know that I have , like I mentioned on the childhood trauma podcast that I have problems with being ignored .
So someone who wants to date me could easily not ignore me and give me a lot of attention , and I think that that is their way of showing me they truly care . But maybe they don't have intention . Maybe their attention is to sleep with me . Maybe they're not . Intention is to go on a long term relationship with me . So that is very hard .
This is probably the hardest step is knowing attention from intention . Right , right .
And just to back it up a little bit more . And again , sorry if this offends anyone , right , I'm just going to say it Women like attention . I'm just going to say it . If you're a woman and you're saying you don't like attention , you're probably lying to yourself .
Women like attention because everybody likes to feel pretty , everybody likes to be needed , everybody likes to feel significant . There's nobody that says no , I don't like that , I don't like to feel special . Because what is attention ? It is a special feeling , it is special , you know , basically presence that is given to a person by someone , right , right ?
So , talking about that , guys , it's like I think one of my clients was messaging me and she was like saying oh , my ex reached out to me two days ago and he said he misses me and he's been thinking about which is the bare minimum . And then , and thinking about me , and then I responded to it and I haven't heard back from him for two days .
Saying I miss you , saying hey , what's up , saying what's , what are you doing ? There is no intention behind that . Like , you can literally say that to anyone on the street . That could be to a stranger , that could be to a friend and there really is no thought process behind that . It's just an easy what's up , how are you ?
It's not a hey , I'm really thinking about you , I miss you . I'm intentionally messaging , messaging you to start a conversation , to maybe have a conversation , to maybe have a conversation , if that makes sense , that is intention .
That is intention , exactly . And so you may ask me why should he message me ? Right ? And this is the thing . Wasting your time and assuming why he is messaging you is a waste of time . You have just spent so and so and so minutes and hours talking to your best friends about it , telling me about it and then mulling over your sleep about it .
You have just spent quality time assuming why this person has messaged you . Now , that is not your job .
If the again attention is not backed up with intention as to okay , I'm messaging you because this is what I'm thinking about and this is what I'm planning to do , and I would love for us to sit and have coffee and talk about this and talk about our future . I have a plan .
If that is not stated plainly and it is not stated clearly , then I'm really sorry to disappoint you . They are probably messaging you because , a they're bored , b they're horny and C they just need somebody to talk to . Talking about all this . I really want to highlight that .
My fifth thing that I'm going to say is the most important thing , which is have they worked on themselves ? God , this is important , like like . I can't even tell you how important this is because you're okay . Your ex is an ex for a reason . Again , your ex is an ex for a reason . You broke up for a reason , right ?
So now I'm not saying people can't change . I am the biggest advocate in the world for second chances . I believe in second chances . I think everybody should have a second chance , because nobody's perfect and everybody makes mistakes , right ? Having said all that , if your ex is coming back now , I want to ask you a bunch of questions .
Have they gone to therapy ? Okay , if they've not gone to therapy , have they done self-help ? Have they actually worked on themselves actively as to why they wouldn't repeat certain patterns again with you ?
If you can't see tangible results , if you don't see tangible actions and a tangible plan of action on how it's not going to be the same again , how it's going to be different this time , if you don't see that , you may just be there to like learn a lesson .
¶ Relationship Audit for Better Communication
Maybe we've talked about this in the past . Like both parties not just your ex both parties have to be willing to sit down , have hard conversations and work on themselves , because life it's fast forward and it's moving , and like that's where life is hard now when it comes to marriage , is that are you growing together or are you growing apart ?
And you're growing apart , if you're not doing the work individually and together . Because , yes , you should be doing introspection and you should be like am I valuing myself as a person , am I valuing the other person as a person ? And if you can't do that , then no , you shouldn't be getting back with your ex because you can't do it for yourself .
Exactly , exactly . So , like what John says , are you doing the work Right , or maybe you are doing everything and they're not doing everything , or maybe they're doing everything and you're not doing everything . Either ways , it's something to be looked at right . I'm not saying , oh , everybody has to go to therapy , these are the 10 steps that everybody has to take .
No , the steps are going to look extremely different for each person , depending where they come from , how they want to work on themselves . I'm not saying there is a one solution , one one shoe fits all , one approach fits all thing .
But there does have to be introspection . Like there has to be a this is where I fucked up and I'm willing to work on this , if you're willing to work on this .
Like it has to be that hard conversation of like if me and me and you were dating and we're sitting down and we're like , hey , I don't like it when you shut down after conversation , like is there going to be a happy medium ? Like no , you're not going to automatically come back and say , yes , I'm willing to talk about every single conversation , but are you ?
Like ? There has to be a willingness there to compromise . There has to be compromising . There has to be a willingness . There has to be like self-introspection to not shut down because those conversations are hard . No one wants to hear that they're fucking up .
No one wants to hear that they're doing something wrong and it's okay to shut down for the moment , but to come back the next day , in 24 hours , and to say you know what I thought about it and you're absolutely right . Like I need to be a better person .
Like you're not always going to come back and say , oh , you're right , I should do this , but you should come back with a hey , I agree with what you said here , but I disagree here . Are you willing to compromise here ?
Right , exactly so . This is a very fun exercise . Like , just in case you're listening to this and you're back together with your ex or you're thinking about it , maybe this is something you guys can do which is going to promote so much better communication , better trust . All in all , it's going to help your relationship so much .
Which is I call this and I do this with my clients it's called relationship audits , and so every week I asked the couple to pick one date that you know maybe they can go on a date night or a date lunch , whatever that is and then just ask some questions hey , are you happy with the relationship in the last one week ?
And take it week by week , because it can be fragile , especially when both of you have done the work and are coming together . It can be a little rocky and fragile where , like , trust is still being rebuilt , safety is still being rebuilt . You know there's so many things that are being rebuilt . It's almost like rebuilding a house which has been crashed right .
So you want to do like a relationship audit at least once a week and ask hey , are you happy ? Do you feel like I'm making progress ? Where am I making progress ? Where are you making progress ? How can we make this better , even next week , like even better than the last week ? How can we make it better ?
So I strongly suggest like doing some things like that together which can increase trust , which can increase safety in the relationship , and I've seen that it works so well with couples
¶ Building Intimacy and Communication in Relationships
. And even if you're not back with your ex , even if you're listening to this and you're happily married , you know , happily dating with a relationship with a man or woman , whatever you can still do this exercise because it's going to help you increase the intimacy of your relationship , communication , rebuild trust , all those things .
So I hope you guys got a lot of value from this . So think about all these five factors that we talked about . You know , if you found value in that and if you like this episode , I'm going to ask you and request you to take 10 seconds of your time and leave a review under my podcast and also Babbel's Nonsense Podcast .
We are there in Apple iTunes , we're there in Spotify , we're there in like all different platforms , and I have been working now to make this on into YouTube . I want to really like start releasing episodes on YouTube because it's more like worldwide . So that's an intention of mine that I'm working on in my free time .
So thank you so much , guys , for listening to this , and if you are getting back with your ex , listen to this one more time , or if you know somebody that's doing it , definitely send this to them . Thank you so much . I love you , guys , and we will catch you on the next one .
Thank , you jonna . Yes , guys , always bye , thank you .